Monday, December 24, 2012

Santa Denied Access into Arizona on Christmas Eve


Arizona Governor Jan Brewer and Sheriff Joe Arpaio of Maricopa County have joined forces this holiday season to make sure that Santa doesn’t invade their state without proper documentation. The move came about when Brewer was advised that many department stores in the state had hired undocumented workers to play Santa this year despite strict immigration laws recently enacted.

“Who wants to ask Santa for his papers?” said one store manager after being asked what he thought of Brewer’s decision to ban Santa from coming into Arizona.

“We have it on good authority that Santa’s passport has expired, as has his Visa,” said Charlotte Grinchley, Governor Brewer’s closest advisor. “For this reason, we are not taking any chances with anyone who sports a red suit and white beard in this state, including the original Santa,” said Grinchley.”

State governors from the other 49 states in the union have all signed special last-minute exceptions to allow Santa entry with the promise that he take care of the visa issue immediately come December 26th, but Brewer wasn’t budging.

While the North Pole, where Santa is officially from, is not owned by any country, and therefore anyone who lives there should be able to pass through the United States without a visa, Brewer isn’t buying it.

“If on foot, the man would have to pass through Canada and by doing so, he’d have to show a visa to lawfully enter the United States,” said a huffy Brewer, pointing her finger at her own Attorney General, who had put a piece of legislation in front of her to sign which would allow Santa entry into Arizona regardless of his immigration status.

“I’ve instructed Sheriff Joe to keep a close lookout on the skies tonight to make sure that undocumented jolly, fat elf doesn’t touch down anywhere in my state,” said Brewer.

So what are the kids of Arizona getting for Christmas if Santa Claus won’t be coming to town? No one knows, but it is pretty much a safe bet that Brewer and Arpaio will both be getting lumps of coal in their stockings.

Romney’s Latest Sophomoric Prank Cost GOP the White House

One of Romney's many prank photo ops

It was bad enough they spent a king’s ransom on trying to get him elected, but backers of Romney are now hearing stories of how he never wanted the job in the first place and how Romney himself had to be held back on election night as he tried several times prematurely to call Barack Obama and wish him much success in his second term.

All this while Florida Governor Rick Scott was furiously using last ditch efforts to swing the state of Florida in Romney’s direction.

Romney’s son Tagg came out on Sunday in an interview with the Boston Globe and claimed that his father never really even wanted to run for President. Feeling a bit sorry for the prank, Tagg told the newspaper that his father’s running was all his (Tagg’s) fault.

“Dad’s been a prankster all his life practically (we still secretly chuckle over that hair cutting incident). When the 2012 elections were nearing, we told Dad that it would be the biggest prank of his life to make the GOP think he was a good candidate,” said Tagg.

“I can’t tell you what was said in the various meetings leading up to my dad finally deciding to go for it, but suffice it to say, some key Republicans were left in the dark about my dad’s unwillingness to actually BE President.”

Tagg says at the time it seemed like the perfect prank that brought the family closer than it had ever been before.

“We were all in on it, even Mom. She was actually enjoying herself the most,” said Tagg. “She would get up on the stage and laugh and smile and no one had a clue that she was laughing because she knew Mitt was going to throw the race, so to speak.”

Tagg says they were rolling in the aisles in the last hours leading up to the elections watching Rick Scott scramble to take away as many voting rights as he could in hopes of Romney becoming President.

The eldest Romney also let fly a little secret that photos and videos leaked to the press that depicted his father as a bit heartless were actually just the Romney family’s way of dropping little hints that no one in the family had any intention whatsoever of giving up their lavish lifestyles to live on a President’s salary.

It was a hoot,” says Tagg. “I never realized politics could be this much fun. We were having the time of our lives, except for the occasional photo ops with idiots like Meatloaf and Ted Nugent,” he said.

“We’d have a race back to the tour bus for a quick shower to wash off what we called the “red neck.”

Newt Gingrich, however, isn’t laughing.

“I knew it all along. I tried to get people to listen, to understand that Mitt Romney wasn’t the man for the job; that it was all a big joke, but would they listen? Especially Shelly (Sheldon Adelson),” said Gingrich.

“Just when I had Shelly where I wanted him, a half-million shy of paying off my Tiffany’s credit card,” here comes old Mr. Prankster being his usual self. Did he care if I could possibly end up on the wrong end of an Obama welfare plan? Not in the least,” said a furious Gingrich on Face the Nation Sunday, who didn’t hold back his palpable dislike for the former GOP Presidential Candidate.

Meanwhile, Romney’s running mate Paul Ryan, when asked, said he knew nothing of the charade.

“All I know is that when I was running for Vice President, they called my positions on certain matters wonky and they continue to call my position on the fiscal cliff wonky. I want to know where the hell the word “wonky” came from and what the hell does it mean?”

Friday, December 21, 2012

Two Guns Don’t Make a (Second Amendment) Right


So, the NRA finally came out Friday with an official response to the shooing in Sandy Hook, Connecticut. They basically said we need more citizens armed with guns so that the good guys can take out the bad guys.

As far as I’m concerned, two guns don’t make a right. Imagine arming teachers if you will. As the gunman approaches, he/she has two options…make sure the kids are protected as quickly as possible from harm, or run to his/her desk leaving the kids to fend for themselves, unlock the drawer that holds the gun (all guns should be locked up when kids are around) and get the gun out and shoot the shooter with his/her single-shot handgun.

Meanwhile, the shooter, having emptied the 30 rounds in his semi-automatic rifle, has exchanged the clip with another 30 rounds and is halfway down the hall looking for another classroom to victimize.

I find the whole idea of arming teachers ludicrous. While having an armed guard at every school may cut down on shooting attempts, it won’t stop that one gunman who doesn’t care if he’s shot to death trying to take out as many victims as he can before being stopped.

And the kids? Well, they now have to live in a world where one of the first people they see when they go into school in the morning is an armed guard in full riot gear, holding a semi-automatic rifle (after all, it’s the fire power that makes the difference), not smiling but standing ever vigilant against the next mentally ill person to try and get past him. It’s almost like the movies, only realer.

Bottom line, no guns, no deaths. Two guns don’t make it right. That’s all I have to say about the matter.

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Most Church Leaders Not Looking Forward to Rapture


A recent survey of religious leaders from hundreds of Christian churches across the nation indicates a startling fact…they are not really looking forward to the Rapture. For those who have been hiding under a rock for the past 150 or so years, the Rapture is to occur during the second coming of Christ when true believers are swept up to escape the tribulation, or something like that.

Anyway, who knew that some Christian leaders are not so keen on the idea of a rapture of their congregations?

“We were looking forward to donations from these folks for at least a few more years,” said Father James David of the Apostolic Christian Christ’s Holy Christian Temple in Farnsmore, Indiana.

“We’ve been counting on renovating the Church basement since last spring when the sump pump went out and de-lectrified all our appliances and left a gaping hole in the middle of the dining hall.”

Other pastors who completed the survey had similar tales of woe. “You can’t do God’s work if God’s taking the money to heaven,” claimed one particularly distraught minister from Minnesota who admits the time just seemed to get away from him and he hadn’t realized the end times were upon us.

“Not to worry,” says one Biblical scholar who has been studying the Bible for years.

“While we don’t want to jump to any conclusions just yet, it would appear that the ‘rapture’ as it is being taught today is merely a made-up event to keep us Christians on the straight and narrow.”

This scholar warns us against false prophesies and assures everyone that the chances of a parishioner getting hit by a bus or dying of a heart attack are far more likely than them being swept up by Jesus Christ their Lord and Savior.

According to his research, the word rapture doesn’t even appear in the King James version of the Bible and in fact, the doctrine of the rapture may have first been propagated by an English Presbyterian preacher named Edward Irving in the 1830’s.

One Baptist minister from Oklahoma, however, claims he has no problems whatsoever with the rapture, as he has already planned ahead one way or the other.

“I ain’t taking no chances. I’ve got all my parishioners’ promises in writing to leave everything they own to the Church before they go to the great beyond,” which begs the question…if the pastor believes in the rapture, and more importantly, if he’s swept up to heaven with Jesus, who’ll be left to spend it?

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Pennsylvania Woman Hospitalized After Opening Gift Box Shipped by Sister


Helen Sewickly from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania is resting comfortably in Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow Memorial Hospital after receiving cuts and lacerations while opening a box she received from her sister Hermoine from Hershey. A family spokesperson says that the box was packed so tight that when the packing tape was removed from the top, the contents of the box sprang up into Helen’s face causing non-life-threatening injuries.

 “I always knew something like this would happen sooner or later,” said Helen from her comfortable hospital bed, one eye still swollen shut.

“Hermoine has always prided herself for getting the most things in the smallest amount of space. I remember a couple of summers ago she was moving some of her things into a storage unit over at Honest Abe’s Store ‘n More, and even Abe couldn’t believe how much stuff that girl stuffed into his smallest unit, a 3 x 5 ft. space. 

“Who knew mattresses could bend like that.”

Winnie Spurlock, a family friend who happened to be visiting Helen, shook her head in agreement. 

“I remember when the Post Office came up with those pre-priced priority shipping boxes,” said Winnie. 

“Hermoine even came up with a jingle for them that went something like: ‘If it fits, it ships…’”

“That’s the rhyme from the commercial you ding-a-ling,” said Helen as she wiped a bit of dribble from her lacerated lip.

Ms. Swickly is expected to spend another day in the hospital for observation but is otherwise expected to make a full recovery and make it back home in time for Christmas.

Meanwhile, her brother, Herbert has been notified not to take any chances. His box from Hermoine is tucked away in a corner of his garage until he gets the go ahead from his sister that it is safe to open.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Still Plenty of Time to Buy For Christmas - Net's Best Satire, Vol. I Now Available Online


At Discounted Price

Book Review (Short Version)

Sure, it's a great book because two of my stories appear in it, but if we're being honest, there are other satire writers out there who are equally as talented as me. Ok--more talented than me. Oh alright, stop twisting my arm--INFINITELY more talented than me.

But that just makes it that much more important to get your copy of this hilarious book today. You'll be happy you did.

Net's Best Satire, Vol. I is also available on Barnes & Noble website and wherever else great ebooks are downloaded.

Saturday, December 15, 2012

Native Tribe Rumored to Know Pathway into Inner Earth


The rumor that inner earth is a paradise--known only to those who know about it--is true. So says one insider who claims that although he will not divulge where the opening is, he can say that it is now being utilized by an Arctic tribe who has been preparing the area for the end of the earth as we know it for going on three years.

Banana, peach, guava, citrus trees as far as the eye can see, hundreds of varieties of vegetables, lakes stocked with several species of edible fish, and enough game and fowl to feed the approximately 20,000 inhabitants for many, many years are said to be in place at this location, which is believed to be situated almost 700 miles below the earth’s surface.

Joshua Cane, a Harvard paleobotanist, has been studying the mythical world of Concha Terra for going on thirty years now and says that up until recently, it was just that…mythical.

“The news of this tribe readying Concha Terra for purposes of surviving a catastrophic event on the earth’s surface is not only one of the more interesting things I’ve heard lately,” said Cane, “but I tend to want to believe it due to the fact that there are too many similarities between what I’ve learned over the years and the small amount of information gleaned from the insider’s cryptic announcement.”

Cane was quick to point out that Concha Terra is not related in any way to the Hollow Earth so many Arctic explorers (including the infamous Admiral Byrd) and new age followers believe exists below the Arctic Circle.

“Evidently, this place is real. It exists and it is being utilized as we speak as a bunker by the tribe known only as ‘the Meek,’” said Cane, “who claims that the reason no one can find the place is that this tribe has also retained the ancient knowledge of being able to float above the earth instead of walking on it, allowing them to visit Concha Terra without leaving tracks in the snow.”

“Wishful thinking,” claims Jerry Newberry, a Scientologist from Nome, Alaska. “These rumors have been around for decades and every lead has turned up more false information.”

Newberry claims that even if such a place existed, it would be almost impossible to ready it for living conditions due to its depth. However, Cane disagrees with Newberry citing evidence that there are natural vacuums located just 20 miles below the surface that whisk the native Conchans to the inner sanctum within minutes.

Unfortunately, Cane’s interview was cut short by two men in lab coats who came to let Cane know it was time for his medication. Newberry was told to come along as well, as was their fellow patient known only as “the Insider.” 

Sunday, December 2, 2012

John Boehner Suffering from ‘Walking Nervous Breakdown’

W-we s-still d-don't h-have
a d-deal....

Sources close to the White House say that they would have a debt deal today if it weren’t for the obstinate stand by John Boehner in refusing to allow even the most reasonable plan to come up for vote in the House.

No one in their right mind would let the country fall over the fiscal cliff, especially since both sides are pretty close to a deal, but it seems that may be just what Boehner is intending.

“And that,” says one physician who has been treating Boehner for other small ailments, “may be because John is suffering from what we call in the medical industry a ‘walking nervous breakdown.”

Dr. Henry Jefferson, who takes care of Boehner in Washington, explained that just like people can walk around with pneumonia and not know it, i.e. walking pneumonia, there are many people walking around with mental breakdowns and aren’t aware anything is seriously wrong with them.

“They appear to act normally, but small signs to the trained physician eye can give them away. A small eye twitch, a bit more slur in the speech pattern, an obstinate unwillingness to compromise, these are all signs of walking nervous breakdown.

Asked if gone untreated, it would develop into a full blown neurosis, the doctor said that it was difficult to say. He did comment on the fact that he hadn’t seen Boehner cry in a while and that is always a good sign, but that if things kept going the way they are, it wouldn’t be long before he’d be back blubbering like a baby again.

“All I can tell you is that I’ve advised Mr. Boehner that he should seriously consider getting this debt thing wrapped up as soon as possible, regardless of whether or not he pleases everyone in his bunch, because if he doesn’t, it very well could lead to a complete nervous breakdown.”

Monday, November 26, 2012

Sheldon Adelson Receives Worst Investor of the Year Award


Vegas Billionaire Sheldon Adelson knows how to make money and he knows how to spend it, or so his financial advisors thought until they finished counting all the beans in the jar. Seems Adelson spent just a little too much on something that turned out not to be such a sure bet after all—the Romney/Ryan Campaign.

Because of the huge amount he dumped on Romney’s failed bid for President (not to mention the millions he spent on Newt Gingrich’s failure to launch during the primaries), he has just been named Worst Investor of the Year by financial radio host Clark Howard. Howard says Adelson beat out Karl Rove and the Koch Brothers by a few shekels.

It was damned near impossible keeping Adelson from spending huge amounts of money according to his personal assistant. 

“Last year it was all about the Jewish people,” said Amanda Hockencourt, one of Adelson’s closest advisers. 

“To his way of thinking, there just weren’t enough Jewish comedians on television after Seinfeld folded, and he was spending copious amounts of money on getting another show up and running that would make him laugh when he needed to laugh”

“That plan failed miserably,” said Hockencourt. “Just look at this year’s sitcom lineup. Not a winner in the bunch.” (Sources close to Adelson say he quit when he realized the best he might be able to come up with was Sacha Baron Cohen).

 While it is only a fraction of what Adelson is actually worth, Hockencourt said Shelly had to know he was throwing good money after bad both on his bid for the next Seinfeld and later when he decided to back Newt Gingrich and other failing Republicans.

Even an idiot knows when to quit,” said Hockencourt, off the record of course.

Hockencourt stated that the real spending started when Romney did so well on the first debate.

“He’s a lying fool, that Romney,” Adelson was heard telling his financial adviser on the phone. “We can’t lose with him in there taking politicking to new lows.”

Evidently Adelson was dead wrong.

Speaking of Karl Rove, he picked up an award of his own—Most Despised Leader—by the supporters of his Super PAC, American Crossroads. Seems a majority of the people who gave money to Rove to spend on this year’s election are re-thinking their own investments in the losing campaign of not only Mitt Romney but other big losers, Todd Akin and Richard Mourdock, the two Senate hopefuls who had problems keeping their misogynistic thoughts to themselves.

“To make a long story short, the losers made the losers winners,” said Howard while discussing Adelson’s less than adept handling of money. Howard claims he shipped a gold-plated trophy in the likeness of a Monopoly $500 bill to Adelson in time for Hanukkah.

In related news, Donald Trump, unhappy that he didn’t make it to the top of the losers list, announced yesterday that he is firing his financial adviser, his campaign adviser, and vows to never again play Monopoly with his grandchildren. 

PolitiFacts reports that Trump did not, as previously reported, fire his hair stylist.

Monday, November 19, 2012

Secret to Mayan Calendar Revealed


We are now just about a month away from the end of the world, and how do we know this? Because we have a Mayan calendar that predicts it. At least, that is what a large portion of humans around the world believe.

According to various readings of the ancient calendar, the earth will undergo catastrophic changes on December 21, 2012. Either that or the changes will be for the better. It’s all according to whom you ask.

However, one scientist says both sides are wrong. While the calendar does appear to end on 12/21/12, in reality, there is a perfectly logical reason for that.

“The person who kept the calendar going way back when died,” said historian Greta Shushkind, “and when the next person took over the task, he wasn’t as, shall we say, ‘married to his job’ as the first Mayan timekeeper. Within a week or two of taking the job, the replacement timekeeper decided to walk away, leaving the calendar to fizzle out on December 12, 2012.”

Shushkind says by the time anyone noticed the missing astronomer, too many celestial events had passed unrecorded. For that reason, she believes the gloomy date is nothing more than a result of shoddy record keeping.

“Odds are pretty good that on December 22, there will still be last-minute shoppers clogging the malls, making parking a nightmare and having quite a few people wishing for an end to the madness, but end of the world as we know it? Hardly.”

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Honey Boo Boo Ups Salary Demand to Include Twinkies

I ain't doing nuthin' till I get my Twinkies

Alana Thompson, the child star of the reality hit (by the lowest standards possible) series Here Comes Honey Boo Boo was told on Friday that her favorite snack food, Twinkies, were no longer going to be sold in stores and she was going to have to find another sweet treat to get her through the day.

“No mama no!” screamed the pint-sized puddin’ pop when told she could only have Little Debbie Cloud Cakes instead. “I hate those durned thangs,” she was quoted as saying before locking herself in her own private dressing room. Honey threatened to stay in there unless the show’s producers promised to add Twinkies to her salary demands.

“It got loud in there, real loud,” said June Shannon, Honey Boo Boo’s mom. “We tried everything…7-11 brownies, Dunkin Munchkins, even Moon Pies, which is my personal favorite,” said the distraught mother.

“I was so desperate, I went home and baked a yellow cake yesterday, but I ate it before I could get it in front of her,” she said.

Honey Boo Boo’s show may be cancelled if the producers don’t come up with some Twinkies, and fast.

“Right now, we are negotiating with a seller on eBay to buy a dozen boxes of Twinkies for about $200,000. That should get us through at least three or four more tapings, and then we don’t know what we are going to do,” said May Wortheimer, assistant production manager. She agreed with Shannon that they couldn’t even buy the beauty queen off with moon pies.

“It is that serious,” said Wortheimer.

“If we don’t do something soon,” said Shannon, “we may have to enlist the services of a good pastry chef to see if he can whip up something to bring my baby out of her sugar slump, otherwise, our gravy train is gonna leave the station empty.”

Meanwhile, the closing of the Hostess Plant has lovers of another brand scrambling for the last boxes of Drakes Cakes on the planet. Ring Dings, Yodels and Devil Dogs are soon to disappear from even eBay, leaving folks to wonder how we ever got along without Hostess.

In related business news, today Little Debbie dropped flyers from helicopters advertising their abundance of sweet treats at area supermarkets. So far, it has had little effect, and the competitor is scratching its head wondering what is so different about their bakery snack treats.

Executives at Little Debbie are hinting at closing their doors as well to see how much a box of their Nutty Bars could fetch on the black market.

Friday, November 16, 2012

Obama Schedules Haters Beer Summit


President Obama has asked the White House kitchen staff to order up a couple cases of Texas’ best Shiner Bock and to “make some of those delicious wiener puffs and cheez whiz thingies” for a special beer summit he is planning within the next two weeks.

“I know my re-election for some, especially folks who live in the redder states, is a tough pill to swallow, so I’m inviting them here for a beer summit to see if we can find some common ground,” said the ever-optimistic Commander-in-Chief.

Obama admits the first beer summit (between a black Harvard professor and the white police officer who arrested him) wasn’t exactly a success as neither party showed signs of changing their stands and accepting any apologies, but he is sure of one thing.

“Beer is the universal language of men,” said the President. “Give a guy a free beer and he has to do two things…(1) he has to drink it, and (2) he has to at least acknowledge the guy who bought it for him. Those are the rules of buying a round.”

“Not so fast” said Texas governor Rick Perry upon learning of the beer summit.

“Oh, he may get us to the White House on the promise of free beer, but I guarantee he ain’t gonna like what we have to say once we get a few rounds in us.”

Perry was likely referring to his upcoming agenda to ignore certain mandates of Obamacare as well as lead other states in their threat to secede from the union. It appeared that Perry and others may accept the invitation to the Haters Beer Summit simply to “cop a buzz from the President, and that’s about it” as Florida Governor Rick Scott put it.

This didn’t seem to deter Obama one bit, however.

“Not a problem,” said the confident President.

“If the Haters Beer Summit takes a nasty turn for the worse,” he said, “we’ve already come up with a Plan B. We’ll just spin it as a Good-Bye/Good Luck Party for all those who wish to secede because honestly, it’s the best idea they’ve had all year.”

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Christian Coalition Torn between Hating Obama and Fearing Armageddon


The elections are over, Obama has won decisively, and now the Christian Coalition is at a crossroads. 

Founder Pat Robertson says that these days he is finding it difficult to re-focus on the Apocalypse because he had faith that Romney would win and “that would be the end of the political nonsense,” as he puts it.

“We worked hard to get this country back in shape, elect a good leader, and move on toward our most important message which is “get ready for the day of judgment, but it didn’t happen,” said a deeply troubled Robertson.

Robertson says he has been receiving many phone calls and letters asking him “Pat, what do I do now? Do we continue to hate Obama or start stocking up for the end days?”

“I tell them that at this point in time it is just too soon after the elections and for right now, they can take a few days to hate their President, and then when the numbness and anger wears off a little, they can go back to stocking their weapons and building their bunkers.”

Robertson apologized publicly for his feelings. 

“I’m genuinely sorry that I am having such a hard time getting past the fact that Obama was re-elected that I can’t be there whole-heartedly for my followers,” said Robertson with a noticeable heavy heart.

Robertson just wants his followers to know this “I am fully aware that the world as we know it is going to end on December 21, 2012, and we need to get cracking if we are gonna beat this thing and get ourselves ready for the rapture, but try as I might, I can’t help thinking that my own world ended on November 6, 2012 at approximately 11:15 eastern standard time.”

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Obama Was Already a Winner!



He's still our President and today, we can all breathe a sigh of relief. He's got our backs.

CONGRATULATIONS MR. PRESIDENT!

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Yes We Did in 2008 and Yes We Will in 2012


No joking around today, folks. Obama is the best man for President. He's done a remarkable job this past four years under the worst of circumstances. He cares about America. He cares about you and me.

Please, if you do nothing else this year, go to the polls on Tuesday and vote to allow him to serve us four more years. You won't be disappointed.

And, if you can, especially those of you in swing states, give a few hours of your time leading up to the election and make some calls. It's not hard and it could make all the difference in the world.

Thank you for your time and thanks for putting up with my sarcasm this election season.

P. Beckert
One of Obama's Biggest Supporters


Friday, November 2, 2012

Where Are All the Obama Signs?

One Florida Woman's Retirement Fund

ORLANDO, FL - Several Florida residents are scratching their heads and wondering why there is a dearth of Obama signs in the Orlando area.

Janie Collins, a 27-year old volunteer with the Obama campaign says she has gotten the same question from several of her supporter friends.

“At first we were like ‘man we are screwed’ when we couldn’t find any signs in anyone’s yards to indicate support for the President. But then I finally figured it out,” said Collins.

“They aren’t being stolen by Romney supporters like everyone believes. Those Obama signs are collector’s items,” she said. “They are worth something.”

Asked about the Romney signs, Collins responded “Yeah, not so much.”

“We’ve seen thousands of Romney signs all over the city, but only a handful of Obama signs,” said Ginny Schott who admitted she was getting ready to go out just after dark and snatch a few more Obama signs for her collection.

Schott said she read on the internet that after the election, regardless of the outcome, anything with Obama’s name on it is going to be worth a small fortune.

“The way things are going,” said Schott, as she walked us out to her garage and showed us her stash of Obama memorabilia, which included about a hundred yard signs, “I may just be able to retire early on what I have out here.”

She added, “Thank God for Obama and thank God for eBay.”

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Early Romney Voters in Ohio Asking for Do-Over after Sandy


Requests are flooding the Ohio Supervisor of Elections office in Columbus, Ohio from early voters who want their ballots stricken from the record and allowing them to cast a re-vote, this time for Barack Obama. At least 300 such requests have been received since Wednesday.

Election officials say this has never happened in the history of Ohio elections.

The person behind the drive to set the political record straight is a Republican business owner who claims he was hoodwinked into believing Mitt Romney was a leader he could count on when the chips were down.

Mark Humphries, owner of Bottoms Up, a local pub, told reporters he had a feeling when he cast his ballot early that something might happen to change his mind.

“I wasn’t even on the fence or nothing,” said Humphries, who voted the Saturday before Sandy hit the eastern seaboard.

“I mean, I really bought Romney’s spiel hook, line and sinker. I hated paying taxes…Romney said I wouldn’t have to. I was against big government…so was Romney,” said a convincing Humphries.

“I mean, I went so far as to consider contributing to his campaign,” said the disgruntled voter. “Thank goodness my wife talked me out of it and we spent it on groceries instead.”

Humphries said when that storm hit New Jersey, and reached all the way back to Columbus, he waited to see how Romney would respond.

“Oh he said all the right things…God…awful…donate…you know, he looked sincere enough. But when I saw Obama, man, I gotta tell you, he was kicking some serious disaster relief butt,” said Humphries.

Humphries said he learned that there were many more central Ohioans suffering from what one political analyst called “voter’s remorse,” and he set out to do something about it.

“I started the “Take Back the Romney Vote” movement, but from what they are telling me, no matter what I do to try and rectify the situation, I pretty much have to live with my decision.”

Humphries says there is one saving grace in all this.

“I’ve got a wife who was smart enough to realize that Obama was the guy to get the job done and she says she voted for him,” said Humphries.

“So, bottom line,” he said. “At least she cancelled out my vote. All I can do now is ask everyone I see to please, please vote for Obama.”

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Ann Coulter and Sarah Palin Trade Barbs Over Retard Comment

Play along and I'll make us both rich.

Ann Coulter is taking plenty of heat for her use of the word “retard” to describe President Obama. Word of the slur caught Sarah Palin by surprise and, while one of Coulter’s biggest fans, Palin said she had to stay true to herself and her family by publicly admonishing her.

“Look, I like Ann,” said Palin from her Wasilla home on Friday, “but sometimes she can be such a moron,” said Palin laughing.

“No seriously, Ann, you idiot, you’re still my BFF,” continued Palin as she smiled and winked at the cameras. 

“If I didn’t know any better,” said Palin, “I’d think you have the IQ of an imbecile.”

Asked what she thought of Palin’s public flogging of her, Coulter simply responded “Say what you want about that back-woods bimbo,” and left it at that.

In a related news item just this morning, Ann Coulter lashed out at the people who bought her book and who are now asking for their money back.

“What a bunch of losers,” said Coulter as she ducked back inside her home to retrieve her ugly stick to beat off the reporters.

“There are about a gazillion new books out there--some of them with mostly pictures and very little writing--yet those idiots are way more interested in what I have to say than someone who actually deserves to be on the NYT best-sellers list.

Coulter pushed further. “I gotta say that the America I helped to shape is definitely not disappointing me. When dimwits who can’t even read plunk down the $10 or so bucks it costs to get a copy of my new book, I have to laugh at the absurdity. 99% of them can’t even spell Demagoguery.”

Asked if she wasn’t worried her attack on her fans will cost her dearly in book sales, Coulter replied “Are you kidding? Those numskulls love me.”

Friday, October 26, 2012

Meatloaf Performance at Rally Stops Romney Surge in its Tracks


The fat lady has sung, or in this case, the fat drunken has-been rock star known as Meatloaf has sung, finally crippling one of the crookedest-run Presidential campaigns in Republican history.

The crazy train has left the station
It seemed that Ted Nugent’s remarks earlier this year at an NRA convention where he ranted about not being around if Obama gets a second term would have sunk the candidate, but it didn’t.

Then came Clint Eastwood, who seemed to be the only person who thought it would be amusing to talk to an empty chair at the Republican National Convention. Crazy? Maybe, but not near crazy enough to change people’s minds about voting for Romney, except for Eastwood’s daughter, who has publicly voiced her support for Obama.

But now, this week, Meatloaf has finally brought the celebrity crazy house down by maniacally screaming out his hallelujah version of America the Beautiful at a Romney rally in Definance, Ohio.

“It was a gin-soaked performance by a washed up musician who obviously didn’t realize he would be forever known not as the guy who made an unpopular Monday night dinner a popular diner staple, but the guy who brought down the Romney campaign,” said Anderson Cooper as he began his 360 show on CNN.

After watching the performance on YouTube, a fed up Paul Ryan is said to have called Sarah Palin to tell her she wins, the Vice Presidency is hers…again.

Meanwhile, Mitt Romney left the stage with what little dignity he had left and immediately called Donald Trump.

“Listen Don,” he said into the phone, “I don’t care how many more washed up celebrities you bring to the table to shore up the dimwit vote, it ain’t worth the measly million you contributed to my campaign,” then continued, “Well, ok, Don, if you really think Gary Busey can put us back on track. Ann is a huge fan.”

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Obama Volunteer Thanks God for Strong Third Debate Performance

AP Photo

The presidential race is now down to the last two weeks and, as a volunteer working for the Obama camp, let me just say one thing “Hallelujah for a good debate performance!”

I can vouch for the fact that no amount of money in the world can make someone take the abuse we’ve taken at the hands of the opponents we come across in our work on the phone banks and canvassing. Of course, I can’t speak for the other side, or even for my fellow volunteers, but in my opinion, I have come to regard political volunteerism as a form of self-flagellation.

I am truly wondering if I am a masochist. How else do I explain the fact that, after my first night of predictive calling, I didn’t go running and screaming into the night vowing never to return again to any phone bank location?

So what drove me to volunteer in the first place? What drives anyone to volunteer to call total strangers during the dinner hour, while their blood sugar is dangerously low, and ask them who they are going to vote for? Civic duty? Belief in the man whom I’m making the calls on behalf of? Hope for a better future? For me, it was none of those things.

Truth be told, I’m still hoping to meet Michelle Obama, but I’ll settle for President Obama if I have to. I’ve got two weeks left to do it, and if I can get anywhere near a pair of tickets to see that woman speak, I’ll climb over burning coals to get them. Hell, I’ll call a whole night’s worth of Republicans…which brings me to just how unpleasant it is to make calls for a phone bank.

First, for those of you who ignored the voices in your head urging you to get on the bandwagon and make some calls to help re-elect Obama, here’s how a phone bank works. You are given a script of what to say to the people you are calling. Attached to that script are a few pages of names of the people you will be calling and their information such as telephone number, political party affiliation, gender, and age.

In the beginning, the people we were calling were pretty much a mix of Democrats, Republicans, Independents and undecideds. It was tricky getting through a night without getting cussed out at least once by a Republican who (a) didn’t appreciate me interrupting the Bill O show and (2) being so bold as to ask them if they were still planning on supporting Obama for re-election, to which the answer was a resounding “Oh hell no!”

The night I was told I was an effin’ idiot for calling on the Jewish High Holy Days, well that one will stay with me long after the election is over.

So, you can imagine my trepidation as I would show up for subsequent phone banks. Tonight’s phone bank just happened to be scheduled the night after the third presidential debate was handily won by Obama. I had no idea that would be a determining factor in the types of responses I got from the people I was about to call. Past experience told me to hold onto my hat cause it was going to be a rocky ride. The Republicans on the list would be waiting to take their wrath out on anyone who even dared utter the name Obama. 

I received my list of names and went to a secluded spot of the home where I chose to make the calls from. I anxiously perused the list.

The first three names were all Democrats. Good, no problem. I called them. No answer on any of them. Even better. Seemed most registered voters finally knew the drill. If it was a number they didn’t recognize, it had to be from a phone bank, and most of them were smart enough to let the message machine get it. I was feeling better about showing up tonight. But then I came across my first Republican call of the night halfway down the page.

John Smith (not his real name)
R for Republican
Age 57
Gender male

At first I considered not calling the number and marking it “NH” for not home, but honesty got the better of me…actually curiosity got the better of me.

What would John say? Just how angry would John be after last night’s debate? I had to find out. Besides, it’s not like I was in the same room as him and asking “So, you’re a Romney supporter eh? How’s that working out for you?”

He couldn’t reach through the phone and hurt me. I dialed the number.

Ring, ring, ring…I cowered…ring, ring, ring…then “Hi, you’ve reached John Smith (not his real name). I can’t come to the phone righ…”

I breathed a sigh of relief and silently congratulated myself for not giving up, then I hung up. I marked the name off as not home and looked back at my list. I leapt for joy when I saw the next name. It was a female, age 21, and she was a Democrat! I was invincible!

Soon, I was down to the last three names on the list. They were all Democrats, two of them were at the same number, and I said out loud to the empty space “Yes, I can do this!”

Once I finished marking off the last name, I gathered my bag, bid adieu to the phone bank hostess, and walked out to my car happy to have survived another night of volunteering.

But I have to say. Tonight I left the phone bank feeling a bit unsated. After I had my list in hand and the determination to call everyone on it regardless of their political affiliation, I felt almost cheated out of possibly the last time I would ever hear someone on the other end tell me “For eff’s sake, quit calling this effin’ number,” and I wondered.

When Obama is making some of the very calls I’ve been making on his behalf this week while going from city to city, do you think he’ll get a list with some Republican voters on it, and more importantly, will he get cussed out too?

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Marijuana Fundraisers Inundated with Donations of Twigs and Seeds

Proof that lack of marijuana affects a person's
abilityto create decent photoshop images
Election Day is almost here and two states, Arkansas and Massachusetts have ballot initiatives to legalize medical marijuana. What does this mean? It means the pot issue is a hot issue and both states have candidates looking to grab votes based on whether or not they back the controversial laws.

It also means that both sides are lighting up the phone banks (no pun intended) asking for donations to fight for or against legalization. In Arkansas, response to those contributions has taken a bizarre turn.

A spokesperson for Arkansans for Compassionate Care, the organization campaigning for the legalization measure on the ballot says that instead of money, they have received hundreds of envelopes filled with twigs and seeds in support of the measure.

“We’re not quite sure what to make of it,” said Darryl Hartnell, vice chairman of ACC. “While the twigs and seeds appear to have come from authentic cannabis plants, it is not certain what that has to do with our requests for donations.”

Montel Williams, former talk show host and huge supporter of the Arkansas measure to legalize medical marijuana, said he may know why people are sending in the unsmokeable portions of the plants.

“It is a show of solidarity, plain and simple. A stupid show of solidarity,” he said. “But honestly, after paying the street price for an ounce of pot, not many of the supporters have enough cash to send in so they send a cry for help instead.”

“Could be,” said Hartnell, “although we’re thinking it might have something to do with our adoption of the song Twigs and Seeds by Jesse Winchester as the anthem of our movement, which,” he said “disproves everything opponents are saying about how the use of marijuana affects a person’s ability to reason properly.”

Do They Make Bowling Balls for Little People?


My husband is an idea person. Ever since I’ve known him, he has told me his ideas on many products he would like see on the market. He is one of those people who actually sees a new product and will say “don’t you remember I mentioned this to you as a great idea a month ago?” intimating that it was his original idea, and lamenting the fact that someone with the ingenuity and backing beat him to the market.

Once, he took one of his ideas so far as to come up with a complete drawing of a contraption to plug the leak during the Gulf oil spill crisis. He had me scan it and send it to an e-mail address he got from a television report. He got a reply back thanking him for his suggestion, and, to be fair, his idea was one of the ones that others had come up with and was actually considered as a viable solution to the problem.

So, believe me when I say that he doesn’t just come up with any old idea. He thinks things through before he just puts these ideas out there.

Which brings me to today’s conversation as I was driving him to work. We were discussing a sweat problem. He works with the public and although I’ve never noticed him having an underarm sweat problem, he assures me it is very real and very problemsome.

This led to a conversation about his idea for dealing with underarm perspiration--underarm sweat pads. He told me he has been thinking of a way to remedy the situation and gave me a rough vision of the product he envisions which involves two rubber bands and a folded paper towel. Ingenious, I tell him. What a great idea.

“Yeah, but the rubber bands start to hurt after a while,” he complained. “I’ll need to use wider bands,” he said seriously.

In my mind I am picturing him using fabric headbands strategically placed over Bounty paper towels because let’s face it, they are the quicker picker-upper. With that image in my mind, I tell him back, seriously, that I’ll check the internet for some products that might be helpful, although judging from the zealous way he attacks the problem, I am assuming he doesn’t believe such a product could exist and he is the first person to have thought of a solution.

And then he hits me with another of his serious ideas to make this a better world…bowling balls for midgets. He doesn’t know that they are now called little people, but nevertheless, I can tell by the way he brings up the issue that he is obviously concerned for their safety. He claims he can’t imagine them being able to bowl with a large ball because they have such little fingers, never mind the weight of the ball issue.

Who can argue with that kind of logic? I think for a minute and tell him “Well, I would guess that if midgets (little people) do bowl, they could use a child’s bowling ball.”

He agrees instantly. “Yes, I guess that would work,” he said smiling as if a load had been lifted off his shoulders.

So, we left it at that. I dropped him off at work and went back home to look up underarm sweat products and found quite a few on the market, which, I’m sure, he’ll say someone stole his idea, even though none of the products involve paper towels or rubber bands.

As for the midget bowling balls, I could find no bowling balls advertised as being targeted toward little people. Instead, I found a whole page of Google links to a pastime called “midget bowling,” and plenty of links by the LPA (Little People of America) assuring everyone out there that little people are people, not bowling balls. Evidently, when it comes to bowling, some genius who doesn’t have the little peoples’ interests at heart thinks that greasing up a little guy and throwing him down the lane toward the bowling pins is the correct way to take a little person bowling.

Nevertheless, if for no reason other than the fact that little people should have the same abilities as full-size people, I am going to encourage my husband to pursue his dream of developing a line of bowling balls specifically targeted toward Little People. Who knows? The PBA may just one day include a chapter known as the LPPBA (Little People Professional Bowlers Association) and it could all be due to one man’s dream of making this a better world for everyone.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

President Obama Relieved Catholic Cardinal Withdraws Invite to Al Smith Dinner


Update: Dinner went off without a hitch. Both Obama and Romney showed up. While Obama asked for a steak, Romney asked that Obama be burned at the stake. Otherwise, was an uneventful evening.

An invite prematurely sent to President Obama and GOP Presidential candidate, Mitt Romney to attend a traditional dinner hosted by the Archbishop of New York created quite a stir in the Catholic community this past week.

The Alfred E. Smith Memorial Foundation Dinner, or Al Smith Dinner for short, is an annual white-tie fundraiser for Catholic charities and usually involves inviting the standing President and his opponent to give keynote speeches at the dinner. The gala offers a comedic respite from the slings and arrows of an otherwise hotly contested Presidential campaign.

This year, however, the Catholics are finding very little to laugh about due to the uproar over President Obama’s mandate on birth control. The Catholic hierarchy is criticizing their leader, Cardinal Dolan, for sending the invitations out before first consulting with them. Upon hearing the news that President Obama accepted the invite, they were livid.

Fortunately, however, misconstructions by the Catholic Church and Obama have seen both parties scrambling to get out of the dinner, and today it was reported that Obama was extremely relieved when he was informed that the dinner invite had been withdrawn.

“Boy, this sure saves me a lot of embarrassment,” said Obama upon learning of the retraction.

Sources close to Obama claim that the President initially read the invitation wrong and thought the Catholic Church was throwing a dinner in honor of legendary soul singer Al Green.

“When I received the invitation, I about fell over,” said the President.

“I thought, now this is just too great. Who knew the Catholic Church and I had the same taste in music? I was already planning what song to sing with Al as a duet. Man, I couldn’t have been happier,” he said smiling.

“Unfortunately,” he said, “Michelle caught my mistake and hit me with the bad news. It was Al Smith, not Al Green, but not before I had already RSVP’d.”

Not wanting to give anyone the wrong idea about his obvious pleasure at being informed of the withdrawal, Obama was quick to say, “Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m sure this Al Smith guy, whoever he is, is one great fella, but I’m not sure he so special that I could spend a whole evening trying to make funny when my hosts are clearly not too pleased with me right now.”

Obama then added, “We all know how the Donald Trump thing went over at last year’s White House Correspondents Dinner.”

Meanwhile, when Mitt Romney was asked if he had received his invitation to the dinner and whether or not he would be accepting, his response was “Al who?”

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Romney Under Attack, Explains Binders Full of Women Further


"...I then had my secretary go through and dog ear the pages that contained black
and Latino women to make sure we were filling those quotas as well…”


Mitt Romney has come under fire for his statement at the 2nd Presidential Debate that he had gone into the community to seek out women who were qualified to work in his cabinet and was given “binders full of women” to choose from.

Romney claims it was not as bad as he made it sound, that he was only trying to make a point that he knew the importance of appearances and having women in his cabinet was going to make him look good further down the road when it counted most, i.e. when he ran for President.

“Once I got the binders full of women, I then had my secretary go through and dog ear the pages that contained black and Latino women to make sure we were filling those quotas as well…”

Romney admits that it took several binders to find the women whom he eventually gave jobs to and stated that this underscores his comment that most women are best when they are at home making lovely homes for their husbands.

Romney admitted his biggest problem back when he was Governor was the issue of retrofitting the women’s rest rooms with updated “thingamajiggie machines” referring to tampon and pad dispensers.

“I’d never come up against that before at Bain,” said Romney, “and quite frankly, that is where my wife Ann came in quite handy.”

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Overworked Guardian Angels Putting Lives at Risk

Sorry Buddy, You're
On Your Own

Today’s busy lifestyles are beginning to take a toll on the angelic presence sent here to protect us according to a Catholic priest who says he’s personally witnessed his fair share of Guardian Angel meltdowns.

Brother John David Patrick O’Malley of Boston, Massachusetts claims that he is getting an inordinate amount of calls to give last rites to people who claim that angels are visiting them in the hospital and telling them basically that they are on their own.

“I show up to see someone who claims they have a life-threatening infection after getting a paper cut and I’m thinking ‘what the hey?’” said O’Malley.

“A rash is incurable and a headache means life or death for someone who’s just been told they have meningitis,” said the over-stressed priest. “Everyday maladies that used to require a band-aid, some anti-itch cream, or a couple of aspirin are now putting people at risk of dying if they don’t get to the hospital fast.”

Asked if he knows what is causing these extreme conditions to manifest in otherwise healthy individuals, O’Malley said he does but not many doctors are taking him seriously.

“Our guardian angels are being over-worked,” he said. “We are taking advantage, actually have been taking advantage for some time now, and they are just fed up,” he said resignedly.

“I know, they are supposed to be there through it all, to catch us when the bungee cord breaks, take the wheel when we have had a little too much to drink, or mop up the floors before we take a walk down aisle three at the supermarket, but we are blowing it. Texting while driving, not taking our full prescription of antibiotics, relying on unscrupulous drug dealers…there are too many of us taking too many risks, and we have basically worn our guardian angels out.”

O’Malley says it’s like the teachers strike in Chicago. Teachers were hired to teach a class of no more than thirty kids and instead are faced with 40 or more students who all need special attention.

“It’s way too much for them to handle and they are dropping the ball, or rather, we are dropping the ball, slipping on it, fracturing our skulls, and instead of waiting for them to get to the emergency room, we are checking out early cause our guardian angels are deserting us,” said O’Malley.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

47% Distancing Themselves from the 99% of Which 52% Don’t Identify With the 1%


The lines between the haves and have nots are still a bit blurry, meaning the 1% pretty much have it all while the rest of us don’t. However, the lines between the haves less, the haves more but not as much, the have nots, and the basically screwed are still a bit unclear and need to be scrutinized closely in order to determine who is going to vote for whom in November.

Originally, the 99% were represented by Occupy Wall Street protesters who believed that they were paying for the mistakes the top 1% made as they worked on taking all the wealth in the land and investing it in high-yield CDs at a measly rate of around 1.50%. (Not really—they are getting a much higher rate on their investments if you consider the lower percentage rate they are paying in taxes—we’re like 99.9% sure of that).

Anyway, the 99% eventually fizzled out to around 2 or 3% who really hung in there and gave a crap, while the other 96% packed up their tents, went home and began bitching on the internet. Because the majority of that 96% refused to answer polls asking them what percentage they think they belong to, the only thing we can be sure of is that the 32% of those that fall into the basically screwed category are still basically screwed.

Of course, of the total 96%, presidential candidate Romney originally claimed that 47% are shiftless and are living off the rest of America. However, he has since flip flopped on that and has told Americans he is “for” 100%, which doesn’t add up, because no one at this point is really sure if he is talking about the 47% in addition to 52%, as well as the top 1%, or the top 1% (without the extra two zeros) who refuse to give up a dime to help anyone in the 99%, leaving the 52% to fend for the 47%.

Meanwhile, the polls indicate that 48% are planning to vote for Romney after 67% claim he won the first presidential debate, and surprisingly, 48% are planning to vote for Obama, even though only 23% declared Obama the winner. This leaves 4% (not counting the 10% who didn’t answer the debate question) who are still not sure who they are voting for.

But, if you add that 4% to the 96% who continue to support Occupy Wall Street, we end up with 100% of Americans who absolutely agree they are totally fed up with the election and could care less who wins just as long as they can return to their regularly schedule programs.

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Comedy Central Endorses Mitt Romney for President


The various personalities that make up the Comedy Central channel were asked on Friday to give their view on which candidate Comedy Central should endorse for President. Once the final vote was tallied, many were surprised to learn that Mitt Romney was the clear winner.

“Don’t look at me,” said Jon Stewart as he hurried toward the elevators. “It’s that scoundrel Colbert. Two to one he used the money he’s been making on his SuperPAC to buy Romney votes,” a charge Colbert did not immediately deny.

“Look,” said Colbert, “Mitt Romney is my bread and butter. Sure, Obama is my orange juice and eggs, but when it comes right down to it, I’d rather have a foodstuff that can be used at more than just the breakfast table.”

Many of the other personalities agreed with Colbert partially because no one at this point could find anything funny about four more years with Obama at the helm.

“Obama just doesn’t give us anything to work with,” said Hugh Morris, a writer for the Daily Show. “Sure, there’s always Joe Biden, but even he isn’t enough to carry Obama for four more years,” he said.

A few of the writers agree that with Romney’s C-3PO walk alone, they could virtually have enough laughs to carry them at least through 2014.

“Granted, he’s no George Dubya,” said Morris, “But then again, who is? A guy like that comes along once in a Millenium.”

Even with the threat of Romney pulling an “NPR” style ban on cable TV, the cast and crew of most of the shows still decided they’d take a chance with Romney.

Stars Keegan Michael Key and Jordan Peele from the new hit show Key & Peele are the only Comedy Central personalities who are considering crossing the line and voting for Obama.

“I’ve tried impersonating Mitt Romney,” said Key “and to be honest, my wimpy white man impression sucks. If Romney gets voted in, I’m afraid we won’t be looking at another season of Key & Peele.”

Peele disagreed. “I’m gonna pull a flip-flop on this," he said. “I wouldn’t write Romney off so quickly.”

“If worse came to worse, I think with a little white face, an Eddie Munster wig, and a pair of sad monkey eye contacts, I could do a pretty decent Paul Ryan.”

“Plus,” he added, “I’ve always thought the Mormons were a rich source of humor…almost as fertile as fanatical right-wing Christians, so yeah, maybe I will get behind the Romney/Ryan ticket after all.”