Governor Rick Scott Getting Ready for 'Dopeheads' to Infiltrate Florida

Gov. Rick Scott Steps Off Spaceship at Fundraiser in Miami, FL

Florida Governor, Rick Scott says he is on the side of the law that says "No" to drugs. Therefore he will be voting no on Amendment 2 come November 4.

"This is being fueled by a bunch of dopeheads, and I just can't have that in my state," said the eerily calm Scott.

Scott  is taking part in the camp that believes the horror stories expounded by movies like Reefer Madness and Marihuana (both made in 1936--years before he was even born). Scott claims his older colleagues rented the movies for him to watch to drill into him the serious nature of the plant commonly known commonly as cannabis or marijuana.

After watching the movies, Scott stated "Gee, I didn't know they spelled it with an "h." Is that a Mexican thing and should I be aware of it?"

Asked if his stance would change should he or a member of his family get cancer or any other serious ailment that would warrant the use of medical marijuana to treat the symptoms of such disease and Scott replied, "Well if you put it that way," and then laughed as if to say that he believes that he and his family are impervious to serious ailments merely because they have the best health care available in the state of Florida.

"We're good," I think," said Scott, but if one of us develops any kind of back pain, we'll just go to the local pain clinic and get some pills the legal way."

Marijuana Fundraisers Inundated with Donations of Twigs and Seeds

Proof that lack of marijuana affects a person's
abilityto create decent photoshop images

Election Day is almost here and two states, Arkansas and Massachusetts have ballot initiatives to legalize medical marijuana. What does this mean? It means the pot issue is a hot issue and both states have candidates looking to grab votes based on whether or not they back the controversial laws.

It also means that both sides are lighting up the phone banks (no pun intended) asking for donations to fight for or against legalization. In Arkansas, response to those contributions has taken a bizarre turn.

A spokesperson for Arkansans for Compassionate Care, the organization campaigning for the legalization measure on the ballot says that instead of money, they have received hundreds of envelopes filled with twigs and seeds in support of the measure.

“We’re not quite sure what to make of it,” said Darryl Hartnell, vice chairman of ACC. “While the twigs and seeds appear to have come from authentic cannabis plants, it is not certain what that has to do with our requests for donations.”

Montel Williams, former talk show host and huge supporter of the Arkansas measure to legalize medical marijuana, said he may know why people are sending in the unsmokeable portions of the plants.

“It is a show of solidarity, plain and simple. A stupid show of solidarity,” he said. “But honestly, after paying the street price for an ounce of pot, not many of the supporters have enough cash to send in so they send a cry for help instead.”

“Could be,” said Hartnell, “although we’re thinking it might have something to do with our adoption of the song Twigs and Seeds by Jesse Winchester as the anthem of our movement, which,” he said “disproves everything opponents are saying about how the use of marijuana affects a person’s ability to reason properly.”

Nationwide Bake Sales Expected to Make Millions for Obama Campaign

Organizers for the Obama camp are currently making plans to hold bake sales in cities all across America for the sole purpose of getting Obama re-elected.

The bake sales will take place in locations throughout America on various dates, the first one to be held on July 7. Ads have already begun appearing in local newspapers in an effort to alert supporters of the sweet treats they can look forward to purchasing for this most worthy cause.

Dozens of volunteers have been charged with the task of collecting and disseminating some of the best recipes in the country to assure the bake sales are a huge success. In fact, Sally McWorter of Worthington, Ohio was chosen lead organizer due to the distinction of being the top-earning bake sale hostess of the year in the state of Ohio.

Speaking at a local PTA meeting after learning she was chosen as lead organizer, Sally assured all involved that “this is going to be the mother of all bake sales. Folks who are fans of everything from snickerdoodles to home-made fudge are going to be amazed at the variety of goodies (referencing Mitt Romney’s word for chocolate donuts) we will have on sale at our tables.”

McWorter claims she has access to some of the top prize-winning recipes in the United States. She has no doubt the sales will break records.

“We are going to rake in millions, regardless of the fact that few bake sales in history have ever taken in anything more than a couple hundred dollars at any one given time,” she boasted.

Rumors swirling about the Romney camp are already pointing an accusatory finger at Obama’s supporters calling them nothing more than drug dealers in aprons. They believe that if, in fact, millions are expected to flow to the Obama camp by simply holding community bake sales, there must be something illegal going on.

Many seem to agree with this assumption. Since brownies are expected to be the number one seller at the sales, most everyone has concluded that the treats are sure to contain a “special ingredient.”

Plans are in place for Romney to run televised ads ahead of the bake sales warning folks ala “Woodstock” style not to eat the brownies. [For those too young to remember, one of the most famous lines at Woodstock was an announcement by a hippie known as Wavy Gravy warning concert goers to not take the brown acid.]*

The bake sale organizers are not denying the rumors and, in fact, are quick to point out that at some bake sales in states like California, Oregon and California that have medical marijuana laws in place, they expect to make a killing off of supporters who carry medical marijuana cards—hence, the million dollars in expected sales. It is rumored that buying one pot brownie could set you back as much as $30; $35 with nuts and frosting.

Meanwhile, Republicans say they aren’t threatened in the least about the upcoming bake sales. Said Romney supporter, Sheldon Adelson, “Hell, I like sweets just as much as the next guy, but all that nickel and dime crap is for the birds. I’d rather just write a check.”

*Of special note is the fact that the aforementioned hippie, Wavy Gravy actually shares the Romney name, having been born Hugh Nanton Romney. While W.G. Romney claims he is absolutely not related to Mitt Romney, it has been implied that unusual names like Willard Mitt Romney and Hugh Nanton Romney can only suggest that there is a familial connection, which, if true, could very well link Mitt Romney to one of the largest hippie communes in recent history. This related story is still in the development stage and will be reported on once all the facts are in.

Secret Medical Marijuana Community Thriving in Central Florida

Just up the road from Cassadega, Florida, “Psychic Capital of the World,” there exists a tiny little community of septuagenerians who are defying Florida law in order to make their lives more tolerable.

“Hemp Hollow” is what the residents there affectionately call their little hamlet. You won’t find it on any map, and unless you are one of “them,” you would never even know it exists. But every day, the smell of brownies fills the air as 70+ year old grandmothers spend their mornings cleaning marijuana buds and incorporating them into some of the best baked goodies you’ve ever had.

Lola Lipshitz, (not her real name) a transplant from Long Island, New York, has been living in Hemp Hollow for close to two years now and says if it weren’t for her finding the place, she’d most likely be living, in her words, “a crappy existence in one of those state-run assisted living facilities playing bingo every Wednesday night and eating beanie-weenies out of a can.”

Lipshitz, together with her life partner Wanda Wolfshitz (not her real name either) founded the colony of elderly potheads after they visited Lola’s daughter in San Francisco and found a doctor who would prescribe medicinal marijuana for their various ailments.

“I had a bad case of the shingles,” said Lola, “and my daughter took me to a doctor who told me point blank, “you need pot, honey.” At first, Lola said she was dead set against it, but with a little coaxing, she ate her first pot brownie and from there it was like a whole new world opened up for her.

Lola and Wanda grow their own medicinal marijuana in a large storage shed that stands in the middle of a wooded area out back of their home. “Fortunately, we live quite a ways away from an incorporated area. We grow prize roses,” said Lola, “and, so far, we’ve been lucky. Everyone thinks that’s why we have all that fertilizer and potting soil.”

Wanda says they don’t know what they’d do if either of them got caught, “cause we have about ten of our neighbors who are counting on us for those brownies.” But both agree that living on the edge being “ganja grannies” as those who know them have so dubbed them, is way better than bingo, beanie-weanies and bedsores any day.

Senate Considers Replacing Part of Medicare Plan with Medical Marijuana Plan

~Sorry for two pot stories in a row, but even I can’t control the need to know…p. beckert

While the debate in the Senate continues over whether to raise taxes on the rich, cut spending on Social Security and Medicare, or both in order to deal with the debt ceiling crisis, there is one option on the table that is getting quite a bit of attention from both sides—incorporating a medical marijuana option into Medicare-Part D, the national prescription drug plan.

Just as Franklin D. Roosevelt saw a need and filled it with the Social Security Act of 1935, and President Lyndon B. Johnson oversaw the establishment of Medicare within the Social Security Act of 1965, a new amendment to the Social Security Act is long overdue.

Luckily, President Obama sees that need and is now poised to put his full support behind an amendment plan written by Representative Dennis Kucinich (D-Ohio). His plan is simple and effective--include a National Medical Marijuana Plan as an alternative for seniors and those with medical conditions who are finding it hard to purchase over-priced and sometimes dangerous prescription medications.

“It just makes sense,” Obama reportedly stated after one particularly grueling night trying to convince some conservatives that they all better think of ways to produce a rabbit from the proverbial hat that is the budget mess or they are all gonna get kicked out on their keisters come 2012.

Surprisingly enough, this is one idea that received much positive feedback from both sides of the aisle, save for a few diehard alcoholic senators who don’t want to step on the toes of their largest campaign contributors, i.e. booze manufacturers.

Hoping to sell the amendment, Obama told those in attendance, “The largest portion of our populace-- the baby boomers--are well on their way to retirement age. Many of them,” he joked, “already know the medical benefits of marijuana, regardless of whether or not it’s legal.”

Then, in a more sincere tone, he told them, “We need something that doesn’t cost the United States government an arm and a leg to fund. Marijuana is cheap to grow, it’s a natural substance, and with many illegal immigrants in places like California, Oregon and Colorado already growing it for us, all we need to do is grant them asylum in exchange for them turning over their marijuana plants to us to process and provide to those in need medicinally. It’s almost too simple.”

Obama held private talks with Kucinich before putting his support behind the budget plan/Social Security Act amendment. The main thing Obama wanted to know was how much of a chance he had selling the idea to the Senate.

Kucinich handed him a tray of brownies and told him, “Offer them a few treats with their afternoon coffee sir. I guarantee you’ll get the thing passed.”

Ed Note: News reports out today claiming the Federal government recently ruled that pot has no medicinal value and should be classified in the same category as heroin are patently false. It is vitally important to reiterate you can’t believe everything you read.

Marijuana Candles Give New Meaning to the Term Melting Pot

A new product is hitting store shelves in the states where medical marijuana is legal. “Melting Pot” candles. The candles are made from a mixture of beeswax and potent medical marijuana and are the brainchild of Potpend Home Products, manufacturer of various pot products for the home.

These unique candles have been approved for use by the FDA, DEA, FDIC and NATO. Said company spokesperson, Patrick Pending, “we realized when medical marijuana became legal in many states, there would be some people who would not be able to take it the traditional way, i.e. by smoking a pipe or a marijuana cigarette, so we decided to do something about it.

Our candles are produced in such a way as to incorporate just the right amount of marijuana within the beeswax allowing for a consistent dispersal of medicament in a small area. This, along with the patented wider wick, allows the patient(s) to gather around it and gain the full benefits just by normally breathing in the smoke.”

Mr. Pending claims that he and his colleagues have spent many, many man hours testing the candles and can attest to their potency and effectiveness. “Not only do the candles help to alleviate the symptoms of so many medical maladies, but they also lend a calming ambiance to any room,” said Pending.

Melting Pot candles will be sold alongside traditional medical marijuana in marijuana dispensaries, and the company hopes someday soon to be able to sell them at local Wal-Mart and Target stores. In addition, the group is hoping to produce smaller taper-type rainbow drip candles like the ones made popular in the 60’s. “After all,” said Pending, “sometimes it takes more than just a medicated candle to make someone feel good.”

Got Cannabis? Ad Campaign Convinces Big Names to Star in Commercials

In one of the largest attempts yet to get the word out on legalization of marijuana in California, a large Los Angeles public relations firm by the name of Blunt and Schuster (BSPR) has come up with a ‘Got Cannabis?’ ad campaign that will star some heavy hitters from the entertainment world.

Like the ‘Got Milk?’ campaign years ago touting the benefits of drinking milk, the Got Cannabis? campaign will pull out all the stops to inform the public just how beneficial pot smoking is. The tag line for the campaign will be “Pot, It’s not just for getting high anymore,” alluding to the fact that medical marijuana is just one of the reasons that marijuana should no longer be considered a controlled or illegal substance.

Already the campaign has received confirmation from such notables as Jennifer Aniston, Steve Martin, Jon Stewart and Lady Gaga to star in the ads. “The bennies to doing an ad campaign where every set has a lit bong going is all the payment I need,” said Martin, who admitted that the only time he doesn’t smoke pot is at dawn. Of course, the actors will receive monetary compensation for their time. BSPR says it’s just a matter of hashing out the details.

In addition to the above celebrities, talks are ongoing to get Roseanne and Jack Nicholson to appear in ads as well. BSPR has indicated that a few other very well-known celebrities have caught wind of the project and are eager to offer their talents as well as the campaign progresses.

Doona Blunt, top creative executive at BSPR claims that this ad campaign will finally lift the lid off the stigma of legalizing marijuana and allow the truth to come out. “It will be bigger than Save the Whales, that guy in the Old Spice commercials, or even Ted Williams’ voiceover for Kraft Macaroni and Cheese.”

The ads are expected to air right around the 4^th of July and will feature a semi-nude Jennifer Aniston holding a blunt with one hand and her naked breast with the other, asking, “If you had a choice between attending parties with rowdy drunks or mellowed-out pot heads, which would you choose?”

Seattle Opens First Self-Help Health Clinics in US

SEATTLE, Washington – A group of enterprising doctors today were granted a license by the State Board of Medical Examiners in Washington State to open the first of what they hope to be many self-help walk-in clinics in America.

Based on the concept of “been there, done that” but in a more professional sense, the doctors came up with a plan that they say will revolutionize the way people are treated for minor mishaps.  The doctors claim that most people nowadays know their way around the internet pretty well. There are hundreds if not thousands of “check your symptoms” sites for them to go online and follow a series of questions to determine what may be ailing them. The doctors also claim that people are much more savvy when it comes to self-diagnosing and treating themselves with over-the-counter and existing prescribed medications, and that those same people would benefit from coming into a clinic and getting a confirmation or denial of their course of action.

“That is where we come in,” claims Dr. Stanley Morgenstern, the brainchild who came up with this most unique approach to treating those who cannot afford quality medical care but who need the ‘clinic’ experience to get well.

“I was seeing more and more patients who would ask me about this treatment or that treatment that they had read up on the internet and in more than one instance I noticed that what they were spouting to me had some truth in it.” Morgenstern said he then had several conversations with some colleagues over a multiple golf games and that’s when it hit him. “Hey, these people can follow directions. We’ll help them out and not charge them a fortune just to see a guy in a white coat do what they can do for themselves,” said Morgenstern, and that is how “Self-Check Clinics” was born.

The concept is going to be quite simple. People do not need an appointment to go into the clinic and register to ‘consult’ with a computer doctor. Once seated before a computer screen, they will be prompted automatically to fill in their name and a brief medical history and state any existing conditions they have as well as medical problems they are having at present. They will also be prompted to report any and all drugs they are taking, whether prescription, over-the-counter, or illegal. They will also be able to slip their arm into a blood pressure cup and have their blood pressure as well as temperature and heart rate readings taken automatically.

The screen will then come on asking them what their major complaint is. Dr. Morgenstern claims that these clinics will only take patients who have minor complaints, such as grinding headache, insomnia, flu other non life-threatening medical issues. Several times throughout the screen process the computer will prompt the patient to go on with the PROCEED prompt. If the computer gets to a point at any time where it senses the patient may have a much more serious problem, it will show a STOP prompt and will advise the patient to immediately see a doctor.

Some of the PROCEED prompts will look like this:

PROCEED: TO DRUG COUNTER

PROCEED: TO PICK UP YOUR DIAGNOSIS

PROCEED: TO CHECK OUT AND PAY

Some opponents of the new clinics are making their voices heard loud and clear that this is a horrible idea which will lead to misdiagnosis causing more serious medical conditions in the people who use these clinics. Dr. Morgenstern disagrees. “People have options all the time in life,” said Morgenstern. “I’ll give you a for instance. Most people suffering mild chest pains will first think they are having a heart attack. This is normal to think this way as that is location of the heart. However, nine times out of ten, it is just heart burn. Sure, they could just go over to the drug store and pick up something to ease the discomfort, but with all those products on the shelf, which one do they choose? Tablets? Time-release capsules? Liquids? It can get pretty confusing. Our clinics will help them sort out their needs from Mylanta to Pepcid. That is just one of the many things we can do for them. They will walk out of a clinic better informed of their condition and feel proud that they took part in a positive health plan for a change.”

Morgenstern continued, “Would they like to have the money to see a real doctor? Sure, maybe, but until they do, they get charged a little less for almost basically the same treatment. It’s a win-win hands down.”

Subsidi-Farm Granted USDA Contract to Develop Seedless Pot

Washington, D.C. – In what was hailed as a “good news, bad news” story today out of Washington, Subsidi-Farm, one of the nation’s largest agricultural companies, has been given a federal government contract to develop seedless, irradiated pot, which, among other things, will have a distinct yellow coloration to its leaves, instead of the more natural green color. Although seedless, the pot will have the same or better medicinal properties as that grown by private cultivators, due to the fact that all the plants processed will be female plants.

The good news is that the federal government is giving the green light to Subsidi-Farm to develop this particular strain of seedless marijuana for purposes of supplying it to government storehouses and eventually distributing it to the hundreds of marijuana dispensaries popping up in states that have passed legislation legalizing medical marijuana. The marijuana is said be far superior to any grown by private farms and completely safe for consumption by card-carrying medical marijuana users. In addition, the irradiation process will ensure the pureness and total consistency of the product without producing any long-term ill effects for its users.

The bad news for private cultivators is that this particular marijuana plant, known as SF-MM151 will become the only legal marijuana in the United States and will be strictly controlled by the US government. USDA is expected to hire and specially train several hundred special marijuana inspectors whose job it will be to regularly inspect medical marijuana dispensaries and “smoke houses” throughout the United States with the sole purpose of confiscating any marijuana which does not bear the trademark Subsidi-Farm bright yellow hue.

Medical marijuana dispensaries will be required to obtain both federal and state certification licenses, akin to liquor licenses, in order to dispense the government pot. Licenses are expected to run in the tens of thousands of dollars; however, when compared to the enormous amount of revenue one can expect to gain from owning a medical marijuana dispensary, the licensing fees are not expected to create any protests.

Already, growers in California and Washington State are attempting to duplicate Subsidi-Farm’s patented plants dubbed “mellow yellow”; however, none have been successful. A Subsidi-Farm spokesperson told us that the process whereby ordinary pot such as California Bud or Maui Waui is irradiated and colored naturally is a top-secret technological one and is virtually impossible to duplicate by even the most sophisticated pot growers.

What this all means now for the future of medical marijuana is that folks can stop fighting over their rights to use medical marijuana. Smoke houses and other marijuana cafes can stay open to dispense and offer a safe haven for medical marijuana users without the threat of being hassled by the local police, providing, of course, they follow the strict FDA, DEA, USDA, as well as all local government, guidelines for obtaining and dispensing mellow yellow from their storefronts. The distinct coloration of the pot will make it easy for agents to distinguish whether dispensary owners are trying to pass off artificially-colored pot for the irradiated Subsidi-Farm variety.

Some Republican Congressmen, especially those in states that have laws legalizing medical marijuana, see this as another attempt by the Obama administration to use socialistic methods to control yet another aspect of American life. Conversely, most Democrats see it as a logical step in the right direction, i.e. a solution to a problem that not only makes the majority of Americans happy, but also lines the government pockets with a much-need influx of regulatory fee money that can be used to fund other social programs hard hit by recent budget cuts.

President Obama is said to be quite proud of the fact that Subsidi-Farm and the US Government can work together toward a well-thought out compromise on the medical marijuana issue, freeing state governments up to focus their attention on more pressing matters.

First Marijuana Cafe Opens in US

Portland, OR – The first public café offering medical marijuana in the United States opened in Portland, Oregon last Friday. Now instead of grits, you can get a side of real “hash” browns with those eggs.

“What a great concept,” said one new customer. “Now, after smoking a fattie, I just sit back and order anything from the menu, instead of having to run down the street to the local mini-mart for my munchies.”

Said another first-time patron, “Yeah, man, I love this joint. I can get my Colombian two ways in the morning…coffee and well, you know...I love this joint, man.”

“The only real problem we’ve come across so far,” said Zeke Brista (not his real name) “is getting people to leave. The turnaround time in a regular coffee shop is somewhere between 30 minutes to an hour, with most folks just taking their coffee to go. We have been getting the same customers in here since opening day. They’re here when we open and they leave when we close.” Asked if that is already affecting their bottom line, Zeke answered “hell no, man, those people can put away the brownies.”

And we’re willing to bet the pot roast ain’t too bad either.