Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Psychic Predicts Top Entertainment News Stories of 2014

Yes, folks, it's that time of year again when the famous Psychic to the stars, Crystal Ball, gives us a peek into the future. This time, she is narrowing her predictions down to the music and entertainment industry. Ball claims that twerking (the sexually provocative dance craze sweeping the nation--at least the part of the nation that dwells in trailer parks) will, once again, dominate music headlines.

So, without further adieu, here are Crystal Ball's predictions for the top ten stories of 2014:

1.            Twerking will be added as a new category on the hit reality television series, Dancing With the Stars, and as such, the only celebrities who will agree to perform will include Brittany Spears, Perez Hilton, and several members of the Cyrus family. The gamble taken by the producers of the show on this decision will prove costly as it will spell the end of one of the best reality series on television.

2.            A tiny, four-year-old singing sensation from Boulder, Colorado, will win top prize on America's Got Talent with her adorable rendition of "Twinkle, Twinkle, Widdle Star."

3.            A completely re-vamped Soul Train will begin production in early 2014 with hit pop star, Justin Bieber at the helm. The show will prove to be a humongous flop and producers will end up issuing a public apology to the family of the original Soul Train host, the late great Don Cornelius, for making such a bone-headed decision to hand over the reins of the show to a white kid from Canada. The new show will air only three episodes before slowly fading into obeliebion.

4.            An inebriated Billy Ray Cyrus will confront Robin Thicke early in January at a swanky Los Angeles night club and accuse Thicke of not getting properly aroused when Cyrus' daughter, Miley, twerked him during the 2013 VMA awards. Thicke has repeatedly denied not getting aroused and will eventually shake hands with Cyrus and assure him that in the future when being twerked by Miley, he will not only get aroused but will also take her on the spot to prove the nubile performer is worthy of a romp.

5.            Richard Simmons gets in on the twerking craze by announcing yet another new exercise video entitled "Twerking to the Oldies."

6.            Denver, Colorado will become the next largest music capital of the world as the first of the year sees the recreational use of marijuana legalized in that state. Musicians no longer feeling the need to hide their consumption on and off the stage will flock to Denver as their most favorite place to make music. Los Angeles and New York City will see a precipitous fall in celebrity residency forcing mayors of those cities to petition their governors to allow a referendum on legalizing the recreational use of the drug in their states as well in order to retain their fair share of the music business.

7.            Abbey Lee Miller, the extremely overweight dance instructor in the reality television series, Dance Moms, will pull a hamstring while showing her "girls" how to twerk. The episode in question will have the teen dancers twerking on young teen boys dressed like Robin Thicke, but will have to be scrapped after Miller falls on one of the boy dancers causing him serious harm.

8.            Kate Gosselin (remember her?) will try auctioning off her hair extensions to keep her and the kids out of hock until she can find another television gig or can sell another book about her once-glamorous life as a TV mom. Rumors will circulate that Kate and Jon (remember him?) will be asked to do a re-make of the 60s hit television series The Brady Bunch, if the Gosselins agree to give up two of their children.

9.             Lady Gaga and Taylor Swift tie for first place for women with most grudges held against them and decide to start a feud between themselves to even the score even more.

10.         Charlie Sheen will change his name back to Carlos Estevez, leave television for good, and run for the office of Mayor of Los Angeles. He'll win by a landslide but soon thereafter will be kicked out of office after it is learned that he bribed voters in the poorest sections of the city with booze and cigarettes.

11.         Americans will be tired of the word twerking by 12:01 a.m. January 1, 2014.

Sunday, December 29, 2013

I Said Laugh, Dammit: Pot-Seeking Caravans Headed for Marijuana Meccas

I Said Laugh, Dammit: Pot-Seeking Caravans Headed for Marijuana Meccas

Pot-Seeking Caravans Headed for Marijuana Meccas

Now that the laws are on the books in both Colorado and Washington state making the recreational use of marijuana legal, boomers all over the United States are hitting the road, plotting plans to get their fair share of the heavenly harvest while doing their best to stay under the radar of the local authorities in surrounding states.

'Maravans' as they are called, caravans of cars that are leaving from cities all over the US and headed for the two states that have what they want--marijuana--are becoming a regular sight on the nation’s back roads.

Friday, December 27, 2013

Miley Cyrus to Twerk Down New Year on Times Square Ball

Not one to outdo herself, Miley Cyrus has found yet another avenue to show off her twerking prowess and usher in a new year of controversy. The event has been dubbed "Twerking in the New Year with Miley Cyrus." Young people in the crowd are encouraged to join in the festivities by twerking along with Cyrus.

What better way to ring in the new year than by watching a scantily clad Cyrus twerking atop the magnificent Times Square Ball which, this year, is covered in nearly 3000 Waterford Crystal triangles.

Cyrus will be wearing a specially-designed costume consisting of a beautiful white fire-proof diaper designed by an up and coming designer with Christian Dior. Her nipples will be covered with small pink pacifier pasties found at a local New York novelty store.  In addition, Cyrus will be wearing specially-designed sunglasses in the shape of 2014, which will protect her eyes from the brilliant colors projecting from the huge ball.

Cyrus' promoters claim this is going to be a stunt unrivaled even by the likes of Evel Knievel who, in his day, did his fair share of zany stunts, albeit fully clothed.

Once Cyrus lands atop One Times Square, she will then do a special twerk to the song "Auld Lang Syne, which will be played a bit more up tempo to accommodate Cyrus' 'booty-licious' gyrations.

The Times Square cam will catch the entire ride down so that people around the world can watch the redneck diva twerk her ass off.

The only people who will not be watching the festivities include those living in China, North Korea, Iran, and various other countries that do not have internet capabilities, or anyone else who sees Cyrus as a total waste of quality entertainment time.

Cyrus (famous for another ride atop a wrecking ball earlier this year) was asked what she was going to do once her performance atop the Times Square Ball has completed. She told reporters that she may just try and ride as many balls as she can before her twerking days are over.

"I always thought twerking my way to the top was the way to go," said a smiling Cyrus. "But I also think the ride down will be a total blast as well."

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Duck Dynasty Christmas Not all It Was Quacked up to Be

Christmas at the Robertsons' homes wasn't as merry and bright as it could have been had it not been for the family's patriarch, Phil Robertson, spouting off about what he truly believes.

Apparently Mr. Robertson didn't get the memo declaring that although the Duck Dynasty clan were to star in their own reality show, they had to check their real reality at the door.

Ironically, the only thing that is duck related but not produced by the Duck Dynasty dynasty is duck tape, but the family is furiously working on a deal to buy the entire Duck brand in the coming year.

Son Willie Robertson says spending a few billion dollars to buy out the Duck brand is gonna save us a helluva lotta money in the long run and this way, we'll never have to worry about daddy or Uncle Si de-railing our gravy train again."

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

How The Rich Stole Christmas

Reprise of an Oldie but Goodie:

Now the middle of classes were middler than most
They had oodles of things on which they could boast.
They had cars, and houses, and TVs and more
They were boasting and boasting of goodies galore.

Til one day the bottom all dropped out from under
The middle of classes was torn quite asunder.
The greed of the 1% people with money
Decided to steal all the milk and the honey.

Meek Taking Early Inheritance of Earth and Evicting All Sinners

Ed. Note: This is a re-write of a story that ran back in 2012

MUSKEGON, MI - The Meek, who are mentioned a couple of times in the Bible as the heirs to Earth*, have finally had enough of their un-meek counterparts, i.e. the Sinners, and are close to having God grant their request to take their inheritance early instead of waiting until their Heavenly Father dies.

Due to the calamitous rise in wars, rumors of wars, greed, and a general degradation of humankind in general, the Meek have determined it is time to act now, not later.

“Oh, we could continue to lay down like lambs and/or turn the other cheek,” said Helen Moussey, head of the Muskegon Meek Society. “But honestly, we’ve been doing that for what seems an eternity, and so far, it isn't working for us."

Once God gives them the go-ahead, which they believe should be in a day or so, a mandate will be issued forcing all troublemakers, especially the ones who pass themselves off as good Christians, to exit Earth by the end of 2013.

“Being meek and all,” said Moussey, "we don’t want anyone to suffer needlessly while being forced off our property, but at the same time, we've seen what they are capable of, and it's time to stop being Mr. and Mrs. nicey-nice, and get those malevolent malefactors to clock out."

Moussey says that most Meek are in agreement that the evildoers aren't going to go easy, i.e. by committing suicide or killing each other, to comply with the mandate.

Moussey did let on that the Meek would not be against continuing to let the Sinners kill each other off if it weren't for the fact that in doing so, they would more than likely also kill off of innocent people, i.e. the Meek, which they've been doing a lot of lately.

Moussey said they put a stipulation in the request to take over the Earth sent to God that they (the Meek) could take away the Sinners' weapons and let them die by other means.

The sweet little old lady of 93 told us that “While we have not yet figured out how they will be evicted, we are trusting in the Lord to take care of that part. It's too late for long-term illness caused by disease, so we're thinking rocket launchers into space may be a quicker solution" she offered. 

“Rest assured," said Moussey, "that if they’re looking for a rapture-like experience, you know, where the Sinners can make the eviction sound romantic, well, it ain't gonna happen. Our empathy has worn way too thin for that. The Sinners have over-stayed their welcome.”

The Meek are certain of one thing, the Sinners will eventually be gone, and Earth will finally be theirs (the Meek) to live a peaceful and quiet existence for eternity or, God forbid, until another tribe of evildoers find their way to Earth.

Moussey said the Meek feel just awful for having to take this stand earlier than expected, but the Sinners have begun acting so out of control that they (the Meek) had no other choice but to do God’s will and take over the earth now.

"Besides," said Moussey, "it doesn't really say when we would be inheriting the earth, just that it was ours eventually. We're pretty sure that God is eternal, and well, we just don't have that kind of time to wait until God dies and Earth becomes ours."

When accused of taking their inheritance of the Earth early in order to merely make a grab for the world's wealth, Moussy had this to say.

"See? That's what I'm talking about. They still don't get it even while faced with riding out of this life ala Major "King" Kong* style, on a missile marked for destruction."

*Matthew 5:5 Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth
  Psalms 37:11 But the meek shall inherit the earth; and shall delight themselves in the abundance of peace.
*Slim Pickens riding nuclear bomb in movie "Dr. Strangelove"

Monday, December 23, 2013

Ann Romney Accidentally Leaves Husband Mitt at Gas Station

A preview released by Netflix last week on its upcoming documentary Mitt shows the robotic Presidential candidate appearing human. While it may be somewhat of a stretch for most to believe, it is important to note that Mitt Romney did have his moments. They were just too few and far between to really matter when it came to choosing the leader of our country.

In the movie, Mitt, it also shows a human side to the Romney family as a whole. There are some bloopers in the movie that will have you laughing out loud. One moment in particular has Ann Romney casually driving down a country road in New England when suddenly she applies the brakes, pulls the car off to the side of the road, turns around to the back seat, takes a count of who is in the car, and realizes she left her husband at the last stop they made, 30 miles away.

"Oh, my God, where's Mitt?" She screams into the camera, re-enacting the moment she realizes her husband isn't asleep in the back seat as usual.

The Romneys had taken their grandchildren out to pick pumpkins and were on their way home to their estate in Belmont, Massachusetts when Mitt told his wife he had to go to the bathroom.

"Normally, we would have taken the RV on our drive," said Ann, "but this time, it was just me, Mitt and a couple of our kids' kids and we figured we'd just take the buggy" (Ann's endearing term for her Cadillac SRX).

In the documentary, Ann admits she worried that Mitt's prostate might act up, necessitating a need to go to the bathroom a lot during their little outing, but she figured she could just stop alongside the road if need be since they'd be out in the country, and there were enough bushes for him to go behind without being seen.

Documentary makers grappled with the idea of leaving this last statement in the film as it depicted the Romneys as a tad too much like the rest of us, but decided they liked the idea of viewers imagining Mitt Romney peeing outdoors.

The incident that led to the scene in the film where Ann realizes she left her husband back at the gas station occurred in Peabody, Massachusetts.

"Mitt told me he couldn't hold it any longer and since we were nearing Peabody, I drove into the Peabody Truck Stop and let Mitt out."

Ann says that while Mitt was in the restroom, she took the grandkids inside the store to buy some snacks.

"We took a little longer than expected, and then I had to go, so I brought the kids back to the buggy and went back inside to use the facilities."

Ann said that when she finished up, she went back to the SUV, put the keys in the ignition and just took off.

"I guess I just assumed that since we (meaning her and the grandkids) had taken so long at the gas station, that Mitt had already gotten into the buggy and was ready to go. I honestly didn't think to check," she said, now chuckling at herself for what she admits was  pretty boneheaded thing to do.

"Anyway," said Ann, "you know the rest of the story. I got on the cell phone and called Mitt and told him I'd be back to get him in about twenty minutes or so. I told him to go into the restaurant at the stop and wait for me."

Ann claims that what was odd about the whole ordeal is that you would think Mitt would have gotten the message about ten minutes after being left at the station that "hey, I think they left me here," but that wasn't the case.

"With Mitt, you never know," said Ann. "I'm thinking he just wandered into the shop and lost track of time. He loves to look at stuff, especially stuff he's never seen before like pickled eggs and ball caps," she said. "He loves to find ball caps with new funny sayings."

Netflix will debut the documentary Mitt in late January, 2014. And if you are wondering why it didn't make the big screen or at least aired as a special on CNN, most critics say it just isn't good enough to hold anyone's attention for more than say the time it takes to go to the restroom and look at funny ball cap sayings at a truck stop.

Sunday, December 22, 2013

Tareq Salahi Crashes Ex-Wife, Michaele's Wedding

For those of you who haven't heard, Michaele Salahi, one-half of the duo who crashed a White House state dinner in 2009, left her boring, yet thrill-seeking husband, Tareq, and ran off with Journey guitarist, Neal Schon.

The wedding occurred last week, and, for those wishing they were bold enough to crash it were, instead, invited to pay a hefty sum to watch the whole thing on pay-per-view.

Dave Schwinkdinkler, a biker and avid Journey fan, decided that although he totally hates Michaele Salahi, he would pay for the wedding just to watch the parts where Neal Schon speaks.

"Then outta nowhere comes this dude man, in a tuxedo. He's like in every scene of the wedding. It was bizarre," said Schwinkdinkler.

Schwinkdinkler was referring to Tareq Salahi, ex-husband of Michaele Salahi. Evidently, Tareq ignored a restraining order Michaele had filed just days before the wedding ordering Tareq to stay at least 1000 yards clear of any wedding venue, including the rehearsal dinner which took place at a swanky San Francisco restaurant.

Dressed in the same tuxedo he wore back in 2009 when he and then wife, Michaele weaseled their way into a White House state dinner, Tareq pretended he was one of the wait staff, and you can actually see in the film footage the jilted lover sticking his finger in the finger sandwiches which were then served to Michaele.

"It was classic, man," said Schwinkdinkler.

"I wish I had the balls to do that when my old lady left me for the guy who ran the laundromat down the street."

Saturday, December 21, 2013

Santa Claus Forced to File Chapter 11 Bankruptcy

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus, unfortunately, he can't pay his mounting debt and therefore won't be visiting your home with lots of toys and goodies.

Due to the economic downturn felt all over the globe, Santa Claus International has been forced to file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy. A press release issued at the last minute Friday had the jolly old elf himself near tears as he announced that his beloved toy operation would no longer exist, and he would be staying put in the North Pole this year instead of delivering toys to children and adults around the world.

"Do you know how much an ounce of pixie dust costs these days?" asked a forlorn Santa. This reporter had no idea as pixie dust isn't traded on the stock exchange, but Santa claims that having to buy it at a premium this year has been partially to blame for his decision to throw in the towel and admit defeat. That, and the fact that earlier this year, Standard and Poor's downgraded Santa Claus International's credit rating to a B minus, causing investors to pull out and put their money in other ventures.

This financial hit forced St. Nick to lay off over half his elves and ship production to many of his toys to China. Santa noted that it pains him to see so many favorites like Lincoln logs and the game Twister now bearing the stamp, Made in China.

"And here's the real kicker," said Santa.

"The Chinese government holds a good portion of my debt and they have decided this year to call in their chips. So, even though they are the ones making my toys, they still can't find it in their hearts to forgive some of my debt to keep Santa Claus International afloat."

Santa believes the President of the People's Republic of China is getting back at him for a slight that happened many years ago when he, Xi Jinping was eight years old.

"I remember Xi very well," said Santa. "He wanted a toy convertible car. All we could come up with was a wooden truck that was hand-made by one of our elves. Of course, I knew this wouldn't satisfy the privileged youth, but what could I do? We didn't receive his letter until late in the season and we had to improvise. Little did I know that one little mistake in judgment would come back to bite me in the ass years later."

Back to Santa's woes, the jolly fat man says he does have a couple of tricks left up his sleeve to save Christmas, but it is a long shot.

"Our storehouse at the North Pole is filled to the rafters with toys that, while overnight sensations of their time, never really had staying power. We have about 500,000 or so pet rocks, a million and a half mood rings, and thousands of bootleg Tickle Me Elmos, among other discontinued items. The thing is, giving these out to kids who nowadays are expecting much more exciting gifts may do more to harm the holiday than to help keep it from going belly under."

And then there is 'Duck Dynasty.' Santa claims that the producers at A&E have told him they are sitting on a ton of unsold duck calls, bobble head figures, and Chia pet Si Robertsons. With the controversy surrounding Phil Robertson's recent comments regarding gays and slaves, A&E isn't sure it can rid the stuff quick enough. Walmart seems to be the only major chain that hasn't stopped selling Duck Dynasty promotional products. A&E has offered the whole lot to Santa for less than cost, but they haven't heard back from the beleaguered elf as of the filing of this report.

The Trustee assigned to Santa Claus International's bankruptcy case says that while Santa is never one to look a gift horse in the mouth (no pun intended), taking gifts from a group of biased duck hunters is entirely a different story.

So, the question on everyone's mind is "will Santa Claus International be able to survive Chapter 11 bankruptcy in time to ready itself for Christmas 2014? Short of a bi-partisan effort to save Christmas, most financial prognosticators say probably not.

But there is hope, say most Christian religious leaders. After all, Santa was never the reason for the season in the first place.

Friday, December 20, 2013

Dennis Rodman Fails to Arrive at Kim Jong Un Palace

Where is that Wascally Wodman?
Pyongyang, N. Korea - Dennis Rodman reportedly sent a look-alike imposter in his place to supreme leader, Kim Jong Un's palace Thursday. The leader of N. Korea is said to be hopping mad and may be readying the execution squad yet another time this month.

"He promise he come back see me, bring many, many good basketball player. He no show up," Jong Un was quoted as saying after throwing a lavish party consisting of the one chicken left in the state larders, along with two cucumbers and a spaghetti squash left over from the summer harvest.

In addition, the supreme leader had ordered the state chef to open a bottle of bootleg Colt 45 for the occasion, which Un ended up drinking himself after finding out his dinner guest was an imposter.

Forced to sit across from each other at the dining table, which was actually two T.V. trays pushed together, Un would not look directly into the imposter's eyes as they each reached for the last chicken leg at the same time.

Said Un, "You know how I know this Dennis Rodman  imposter? I tell you. He know I like chicken leg best. He know I kill him if he take last chicken leg. He always leave last chicken leg for me. I stab him with fork but he still take last chicken leg. He imposter. He must die."

So far, no one has been able to determine the fate of the imposter, who, obviously failed to do his homework before accepting the dangerous assignment.

Meanwhile, Dennis Rodman is still in hiding according to his friends who claim that he (Rodman) has finally admitted he has come to realize just how volatile the little leader is and issued this statement through his agent:

"Man, everyone told me that little dude was crazy but I never knew how crazy until last week when out of nowhere he offs his own uncle," said Rodman.

"I ain't takin' no chances until he assures me he won't kill me too," said the pot (Rodman), who is beginning to realize all too well the hypocrisy of his calling this North Korean kettle black.

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Alex Jones Claims Brain Farts are Real and Dangerous

Shameless Re-Issue of Earlier Post

Alex Jones, host of his own radio show, The Alex Jones Show, and known for his outlandish conspiracy theories, claims that he has personal knowledge that brain farts are not only a real medical condition, but they can be extremely dangerous.

“I have had several very close calls with brain farts just in the past two weeks,” said Jones, while commenting on his recent appearance on Piers Morgan Tonight.

“In one particularly scary incident, I was loading my gun and couldn’t remember if I’d put all the bullets in the chamber. I had to hold the gun to my head and click it to figure out if I had or not.”

Jones claims that after the second click, he pulled the gun down from his head and said out loud “brain fart,” and looked quite perturbed as he realized all he had to do is look in the chamber.

Damn near almost blew my head off,” he said. “Luckily, I caught it in time, and realized it was just a brain fart, but man, that was the closest call I’ve had yet.”

Jones claims that most of his brain farts are pretty innocuous, but that they are getting worse and worse, and he blames them on secret medical experiments the Keebler elves are conducting on him in his sleep.

“You know, I’m thinking of saying one thing, and end up saying another. That happens quite often with me,” he admitted. We couldn’t agree more.

Jones was then asked exactly why he believes brain farts are true medical conditions, but he couldn’t really come up with anything. True to form, however, Jones claimed it was a trick question, but then proceeded to make up this response.

“Did you know that the CIA developed Rice Crispies for the sole purpose of sending subliminal messages through the digestive tracts of young children in order to brainwash them into thinking that it is okay for boys to play with Ken dolls?”

Jones then cut the interview short saying that the aluminum foil jockey shorts he was wearing to protect his testicles from the microwaves being emitted from the small microphone “they” insisted he wear were beginning to chafe him, and he immediately left the studio.

Sunday, December 15, 2013

Top Celebrities Pledge to Create Thousands of Entourage Jobs

Sid Weinstock, a savvy businessman from Los Angeles, has a list of some of the biggest names in the country who are each pledging to hire several new entourage members in an effort to create upwards of 100,000 new jobs in America in 2014. Justin Bieber has promised to add at least 20 new members to his entourage in the coming months. Auditions for the jobs will be taking place in Atlanta in January.

Friday, December 13, 2013

Dennis Rodman Missing After Jang Song Thaek's Execution

Although the mainstream media is reporting that Dennis Rodman is still planning on traveling to North Korea next week to begin training North Korea's basketball team, no one close to Rodman has seen him since the execution of Kim Jong Un's uncle, Jang Song Thaek today.

Friends close to Rodman claim that he has not been heard from since early this morning, and his own personal trainer says he did not show up at the gym as usual this afternoon.

His closest friends can only speculate that Rodman made public his renewed commitment to travel to North Korea this upcoming Monday following the execution in order to remain on the good side of the quick-tempered Jong Un.

How long Rodman will remain in hiding is anyone's guess.

"He got in over his head on this one," said one friend identified only as "Dunker." Dunker said the last time he talked to Rodman, which was last week for a game of one-on-one, Rodman didn't appear as biggety as normal.

"He was all quiet like, you know, he had something on his mind, and he played a terrible game that day."

Dunker remembers though, there was something else about Rodman.

"Something he said to me kinda curdled my blood. He said he knew something was going down and he'd probably have to leave town for awhile, but he wouldn't say what it was."

And now after the execution, Dunker was asked, "Do you think it was the execution? That Dennis Rodman knew about the execution and was asked to keep quiet until it was carried out?"

"Worse," said Dunker. "He might just be the next one to be executed," Dunker predicted.

Asked why he thought Kim Jong Un would want to execute his best friend in the whole world, Dunker confided.

"Well, imagine you are Dennis, who, after all, has not led a very saintly existence and you just hear that your North Korean friend has executed his favorite childhood uncle for the charge of leading a 'capitalist decadent lifestyle...a dissolute, depraved life, squandered money...,' etc. Need me to go on?"