Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Psychic Predicts Top Entertainment News Stories of 2014

Yes, folks, it's that time of year again when the famous Psychic to the stars, Crystal Ball, gives us a peek into the future. This time, she is narrowing her predictions down to the music and entertainment industry. Ball claims that twerking (the sexually provocative dance craze sweeping the nation--at least the part of the nation that dwells in trailer parks) will, once again, dominate music headlines.

So, without further adieu, here are Crystal Ball's predictions for the top ten stories of 2014:

1.            Twerking will be added as a new category on the hit reality television series, Dancing With the Stars, and as such, the only celebrities who will agree to perform will include Brittany Spears, Perez Hilton, and several members of the Cyrus family. The gamble taken by the producers of the show on this decision will prove costly as it will spell the end of one of the best reality series on television.

2.            A tiny, four-year-old singing sensation from Boulder, Colorado, will win top prize on America's Got Talent with her adorable rendition of "Twinkle, Twinkle, Widdle Star."

3.            A completely re-vamped Soul Train will begin production in early 2014 with hit pop star, Justin Bieber at the helm. The show will prove to be a humongous flop and producers will end up issuing a public apology to the family of the original Soul Train host, the late great Don Cornelius, for making such a bone-headed decision to hand over the reins of the show to a white kid from Canada. The new show will air only three episodes before slowly fading into obeliebion.

4.            An inebriated Billy Ray Cyrus will confront Robin Thicke early in January at a swanky Los Angeles night club and accuse Thicke of not getting properly aroused when Cyrus' daughter, Miley, twerked him during the 2013 VMA awards. Thicke has repeatedly denied not getting aroused and will eventually shake hands with Cyrus and assure him that in the future when being twerked by Miley, he will not only get aroused but will also take her on the spot to prove the nubile performer is worthy of a romp.

5.            Richard Simmons gets in on the twerking craze by announcing yet another new exercise video entitled "Twerking to the Oldies."

6.            Denver, Colorado will become the next largest music capital of the world as the first of the year sees the recreational use of marijuana legalized in that state. Musicians no longer feeling the need to hide their consumption on and off the stage will flock to Denver as their most favorite place to make music. Los Angeles and New York City will see a precipitous fall in celebrity residency forcing mayors of those cities to petition their governors to allow a referendum on legalizing the recreational use of the drug in their states as well in order to retain their fair share of the music business.

7.            Abbey Lee Miller, the extremely overweight dance instructor in the reality television series, Dance Moms, will pull a hamstring while showing her "girls" how to twerk. The episode in question will have the teen dancers twerking on young teen boys dressed like Robin Thicke, but will have to be scrapped after Miller falls on one of the boy dancers causing him serious harm.

8.            Kate Gosselin (remember her?) will try auctioning off her hair extensions to keep her and the kids out of hock until she can find another television gig or can sell another book about her once-glamorous life as a TV mom. Rumors will circulate that Kate and Jon (remember him?) will be asked to do a re-make of the 60s hit television series The Brady Bunch, if the Gosselins agree to give up two of their children.

9.             Lady Gaga and Taylor Swift tie for first place for women with most grudges held against them and decide to start a feud between themselves to even the score even more.

10.         Charlie Sheen will change his name back to Carlos Estevez, leave television for good, and run for the office of Mayor of Los Angeles. He'll win by a landslide but soon thereafter will be kicked out of office after it is learned that he bribed voters in the poorest sections of the city with booze and cigarettes.

11.         Americans will be tired of the word twerking by 12:01 a.m. January 1, 2014.

Sunday, December 29, 2013

I Said Laugh, Dammit: Pot-Seeking Caravans Headed for Marijuana Meccas

I Said Laugh, Dammit: Pot-Seeking Caravans Headed for Marijuana Meccas

Pot-Seeking Caravans Headed for Marijuana Meccas

Now that the laws are on the books in both Colorado and Washington state making the recreational use of marijuana legal, boomers all over the United States are hitting the road, plotting plans to get their fair share of the heavenly harvest while doing their best to stay under the radar of the local authorities in surrounding states.

'Maravans' as they are called, caravans of cars that are leaving from cities all over the US and headed for the two states that have what they want--marijuana--are becoming a regular sight on the nation’s back roads.

Friday, December 27, 2013

Miley Cyrus to Twerk Down New Year on Times Square Ball

Not one to outdo herself, Miley Cyrus has found yet another avenue to show off her twerking prowess and usher in a new year of controversy. The event has been dubbed "Twerking in the New Year with Miley Cyrus." Young people in the crowd are encouraged to join in the festivities by twerking along with Cyrus.

What better way to ring in the new year than by watching a scantily clad Cyrus twerking atop the magnificent Times Square Ball which, this year, is covered in nearly 3000 Waterford Crystal triangles.

Cyrus will be wearing a specially-designed costume consisting of a beautiful white fire-proof diaper designed by an up and coming designer with Christian Dior. Her nipples will be covered with small pink pacifier pasties found at a local New York novelty store.  In addition, Cyrus will be wearing specially-designed sunglasses in the shape of 2014, which will protect her eyes from the brilliant colors projecting from the huge ball.

Cyrus' promoters claim this is going to be a stunt unrivaled even by the likes of Evel Knievel who, in his day, did his fair share of zany stunts, albeit fully clothed.

Once Cyrus lands atop One Times Square, she will then do a special twerk to the song "Auld Lang Syne, which will be played a bit more up tempo to accommodate Cyrus' 'booty-licious' gyrations.

The Times Square cam will catch the entire ride down so that people around the world can watch the redneck diva twerk her ass off.

The only people who will not be watching the festivities include those living in China, North Korea, Iran, and various other countries that do not have internet capabilities, or anyone else who sees Cyrus as a total waste of quality entertainment time.

Cyrus (famous for another ride atop a wrecking ball earlier this year) was asked what she was going to do once her performance atop the Times Square Ball has completed. She told reporters that she may just try and ride as many balls as she can before her twerking days are over.

"I always thought twerking my way to the top was the way to go," said a smiling Cyrus. "But I also think the ride down will be a total blast as well."

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Duck Dynasty Christmas Not all It Was Quacked up to Be

Christmas at the Robertsons' homes wasn't as merry and bright as it could have been had it not been for the family's patriarch, Phil Robertson, spouting off about what he truly believes.

Apparently Mr. Robertson didn't get the memo declaring that although the Duck Dynasty clan were to star in their own reality show, they had to check their real reality at the door.

Ironically, the only thing that is duck related but not produced by the Duck Dynasty dynasty is duck tape, but the family is furiously working on a deal to buy the entire Duck brand in the coming year.

Son Willie Robertson says spending a few billion dollars to buy out the Duck brand is gonna save us a helluva lotta money in the long run and this way, we'll never have to worry about daddy or Uncle Si de-railing our gravy train again."

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

How The Rich Stole Christmas

Reprise of an Oldie but Goodie:

Now the middle of classes were middler than most
They had oodles of things on which they could boast.
They had cars, and houses, and TVs and more
They were boasting and boasting of goodies galore.

Til one day the bottom all dropped out from under
The middle of classes was torn quite asunder.
The greed of the 1% people with money
Decided to steal all the milk and the honey.

Meek Taking Early Inheritance of Earth and Evicting All Sinners

Ed. Note: This is a re-write of a story that ran back in 2012

MUSKEGON, MI - The Meek, who are mentioned a couple of times in the Bible as the heirs to Earth*, have finally had enough of their un-meek counterparts, i.e. the Sinners, and are close to having God grant their request to take their inheritance early instead of waiting until their Heavenly Father dies.

Due to the calamitous rise in wars, rumors of wars, greed, and a general degradation of humankind in general, the Meek have determined it is time to act now, not later.

“Oh, we could continue to lay down like lambs and/or turn the other cheek,” said Helen Moussey, head of the Muskegon Meek Society. “But honestly, we’ve been doing that for what seems an eternity, and so far, it isn't working for us."

Once God gives them the go-ahead, which they believe should be in a day or so, a mandate will be issued forcing all troublemakers, especially the ones who pass themselves off as good Christians, to exit Earth by the end of 2013.

“Being meek and all,” said Moussey, "we don’t want anyone to suffer needlessly while being forced off our property, but at the same time, we've seen what they are capable of, and it's time to stop being Mr. and Mrs. nicey-nice, and get those malevolent malefactors to clock out."

Moussey says that most Meek are in agreement that the evildoers aren't going to go easy, i.e. by committing suicide or killing each other, to comply with the mandate.

Moussey did let on that the Meek would not be against continuing to let the Sinners kill each other off if it weren't for the fact that in doing so, they would more than likely also kill off of innocent people, i.e. the Meek, which they've been doing a lot of lately.

Moussey said they put a stipulation in the request to take over the Earth sent to God that they (the Meek) could take away the Sinners' weapons and let them die by other means.

The sweet little old lady of 93 told us that “While we have not yet figured out how they will be evicted, we are trusting in the Lord to take care of that part. It's too late for long-term illness caused by disease, so we're thinking rocket launchers into space may be a quicker solution" she offered. 

“Rest assured," said Moussey, "that if they’re looking for a rapture-like experience, you know, where the Sinners can make the eviction sound romantic, well, it ain't gonna happen. Our empathy has worn way too thin for that. The Sinners have over-stayed their welcome.”

The Meek are certain of one thing, the Sinners will eventually be gone, and Earth will finally be theirs (the Meek) to live a peaceful and quiet existence for eternity or, God forbid, until another tribe of evildoers find their way to Earth.

Moussey said the Meek feel just awful for having to take this stand earlier than expected, but the Sinners have begun acting so out of control that they (the Meek) had no other choice but to do God’s will and take over the earth now.

"Besides," said Moussey, "it doesn't really say when we would be inheriting the earth, just that it was ours eventually. We're pretty sure that God is eternal, and well, we just don't have that kind of time to wait until God dies and Earth becomes ours."

When accused of taking their inheritance of the Earth early in order to merely make a grab for the world's wealth, Moussy had this to say.

"See? That's what I'm talking about. They still don't get it even while faced with riding out of this life ala Major "King" Kong* style, on a missile marked for destruction."

*Matthew 5:5 Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth
  Psalms 37:11 But the meek shall inherit the earth; and shall delight themselves in the abundance of peace.
*Slim Pickens riding nuclear bomb in movie "Dr. Strangelove"

Monday, December 23, 2013

Ann Romney Accidentally Leaves Husband Mitt at Gas Station

A preview released by Netflix last week on its upcoming documentary Mitt shows the robotic Presidential candidate appearing human. While it may be somewhat of a stretch for most to believe, it is important to note that Mitt Romney did have his moments. They were just too few and far between to really matter when it came to choosing the leader of our country.

In the movie, Mitt, it also shows a human side to the Romney family as a whole. There are some bloopers in the movie that will have you laughing out loud. One moment in particular has Ann Romney casually driving down a country road in New England when suddenly she applies the brakes, pulls the car off to the side of the road, turns around to the back seat, takes a count of who is in the car, and realizes she left her husband at the last stop they made, 30 miles away.

"Oh, my God, where's Mitt?" She screams into the camera, re-enacting the moment she realizes her husband isn't asleep in the back seat as usual.

The Romneys had taken their grandchildren out to pick pumpkins and were on their way home to their estate in Belmont, Massachusetts when Mitt told his wife he had to go to the bathroom.

"Normally, we would have taken the RV on our drive," said Ann, "but this time, it was just me, Mitt and a couple of our kids' kids and we figured we'd just take the buggy" (Ann's endearing term for her Cadillac SRX).

In the documentary, Ann admits she worried that Mitt's prostate might act up, necessitating a need to go to the bathroom a lot during their little outing, but she figured she could just stop alongside the road if need be since they'd be out in the country, and there were enough bushes for him to go behind without being seen.

Documentary makers grappled with the idea of leaving this last statement in the film as it depicted the Romneys as a tad too much like the rest of us, but decided they liked the idea of viewers imagining Mitt Romney peeing outdoors.

The incident that led to the scene in the film where Ann realizes she left her husband back at the gas station occurred in Peabody, Massachusetts.

"Mitt told me he couldn't hold it any longer and since we were nearing Peabody, I drove into the Peabody Truck Stop and let Mitt out."

Ann says that while Mitt was in the restroom, she took the grandkids inside the store to buy some snacks.

"We took a little longer than expected, and then I had to go, so I brought the kids back to the buggy and went back inside to use the facilities."

Ann said that when she finished up, she went back to the SUV, put the keys in the ignition and just took off.

"I guess I just assumed that since we (meaning her and the grandkids) had taken so long at the gas station, that Mitt had already gotten into the buggy and was ready to go. I honestly didn't think to check," she said, now chuckling at herself for what she admits was  pretty boneheaded thing to do.

"Anyway," said Ann, "you know the rest of the story. I got on the cell phone and called Mitt and told him I'd be back to get him in about twenty minutes or so. I told him to go into the restaurant at the stop and wait for me."

Ann claims that what was odd about the whole ordeal is that you would think Mitt would have gotten the message about ten minutes after being left at the station that "hey, I think they left me here," but that wasn't the case.

"With Mitt, you never know," said Ann. "I'm thinking he just wandered into the shop and lost track of time. He loves to look at stuff, especially stuff he's never seen before like pickled eggs and ball caps," she said. "He loves to find ball caps with new funny sayings."

Netflix will debut the documentary Mitt in late January, 2014. And if you are wondering why it didn't make the big screen or at least aired as a special on CNN, most critics say it just isn't good enough to hold anyone's attention for more than say the time it takes to go to the restroom and look at funny ball cap sayings at a truck stop.

Sunday, December 22, 2013

Tareq Salahi Crashes Ex-Wife, Michaele's Wedding

For those of you who haven't heard, Michaele Salahi, one-half of the duo who crashed a White House state dinner in 2009, left her boring, yet thrill-seeking husband, Tareq, and ran off with Journey guitarist, Neal Schon.

The wedding occurred last week, and, for those wishing they were bold enough to crash it were, instead, invited to pay a hefty sum to watch the whole thing on pay-per-view.

Dave Schwinkdinkler, a biker and avid Journey fan, decided that although he totally hates Michaele Salahi, he would pay for the wedding just to watch the parts where Neal Schon speaks.

"Then outta nowhere comes this dude man, in a tuxedo. He's like in every scene of the wedding. It was bizarre," said Schwinkdinkler.

Schwinkdinkler was referring to Tareq Salahi, ex-husband of Michaele Salahi. Evidently, Tareq ignored a restraining order Michaele had filed just days before the wedding ordering Tareq to stay at least 1000 yards clear of any wedding venue, including the rehearsal dinner which took place at a swanky San Francisco restaurant.

Dressed in the same tuxedo he wore back in 2009 when he and then wife, Michaele weaseled their way into a White House state dinner, Tareq pretended he was one of the wait staff, and you can actually see in the film footage the jilted lover sticking his finger in the finger sandwiches which were then served to Michaele.

"It was classic, man," said Schwinkdinkler.

"I wish I had the balls to do that when my old lady left me for the guy who ran the laundromat down the street."

Saturday, December 21, 2013

Santa Claus Forced to File Chapter 11 Bankruptcy

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus, unfortunately, he can't pay his mounting debt and therefore won't be visiting your home with lots of toys and goodies.

Due to the economic downturn felt all over the globe, Santa Claus International has been forced to file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy. A press release issued at the last minute Friday had the jolly old elf himself near tears as he announced that his beloved toy operation would no longer exist, and he would be staying put in the North Pole this year instead of delivering toys to children and adults around the world.

"Do you know how much an ounce of pixie dust costs these days?" asked a forlorn Santa. This reporter had no idea as pixie dust isn't traded on the stock exchange, but Santa claims that having to buy it at a premium this year has been partially to blame for his decision to throw in the towel and admit defeat. That, and the fact that earlier this year, Standard and Poor's downgraded Santa Claus International's credit rating to a B minus, causing investors to pull out and put their money in other ventures.

This financial hit forced St. Nick to lay off over half his elves and ship production to many of his toys to China. Santa noted that it pains him to see so many favorites like Lincoln logs and the game Twister now bearing the stamp, Made in China.

"And here's the real kicker," said Santa.

"The Chinese government holds a good portion of my debt and they have decided this year to call in their chips. So, even though they are the ones making my toys, they still can't find it in their hearts to forgive some of my debt to keep Santa Claus International afloat."

Santa believes the President of the People's Republic of China is getting back at him for a slight that happened many years ago when he, Xi Jinping was eight years old.

"I remember Xi very well," said Santa. "He wanted a toy convertible car. All we could come up with was a wooden truck that was hand-made by one of our elves. Of course, I knew this wouldn't satisfy the privileged youth, but what could I do? We didn't receive his letter until late in the season and we had to improvise. Little did I know that one little mistake in judgment would come back to bite me in the ass years later."

Back to Santa's woes, the jolly fat man says he does have a couple of tricks left up his sleeve to save Christmas, but it is a long shot.

"Our storehouse at the North Pole is filled to the rafters with toys that, while overnight sensations of their time, never really had staying power. We have about 500,000 or so pet rocks, a million and a half mood rings, and thousands of bootleg Tickle Me Elmos, among other discontinued items. The thing is, giving these out to kids who nowadays are expecting much more exciting gifts may do more to harm the holiday than to help keep it from going belly under."

And then there is 'Duck Dynasty.' Santa claims that the producers at A&E have told him they are sitting on a ton of unsold duck calls, bobble head figures, and Chia pet Si Robertsons. With the controversy surrounding Phil Robertson's recent comments regarding gays and slaves, A&E isn't sure it can rid the stuff quick enough. Walmart seems to be the only major chain that hasn't stopped selling Duck Dynasty promotional products. A&E has offered the whole lot to Santa for less than cost, but they haven't heard back from the beleaguered elf as of the filing of this report.

The Trustee assigned to Santa Claus International's bankruptcy case says that while Santa is never one to look a gift horse in the mouth (no pun intended), taking gifts from a group of biased duck hunters is entirely a different story.

So, the question on everyone's mind is "will Santa Claus International be able to survive Chapter 11 bankruptcy in time to ready itself for Christmas 2014? Short of a bi-partisan effort to save Christmas, most financial prognosticators say probably not.

But there is hope, say most Christian religious leaders. After all, Santa was never the reason for the season in the first place.

Friday, December 20, 2013

Dennis Rodman Fails to Arrive at Kim Jong Un Palace

Where is that Wascally Wodman?
Pyongyang, N. Korea - Dennis Rodman reportedly sent a look-alike imposter in his place to supreme leader, Kim Jong Un's palace Thursday. The leader of N. Korea is said to be hopping mad and may be readying the execution squad yet another time this month.

"He promise he come back see me, bring many, many good basketball player. He no show up," Jong Un was quoted as saying after throwing a lavish party consisting of the one chicken left in the state larders, along with two cucumbers and a spaghetti squash left over from the summer harvest.

In addition, the supreme leader had ordered the state chef to open a bottle of bootleg Colt 45 for the occasion, which Un ended up drinking himself after finding out his dinner guest was an imposter.

Forced to sit across from each other at the dining table, which was actually two T.V. trays pushed together, Un would not look directly into the imposter's eyes as they each reached for the last chicken leg at the same time.

Said Un, "You know how I know this Dennis Rodman  imposter? I tell you. He know I like chicken leg best. He know I kill him if he take last chicken leg. He always leave last chicken leg for me. I stab him with fork but he still take last chicken leg. He imposter. He must die."

So far, no one has been able to determine the fate of the imposter, who, obviously failed to do his homework before accepting the dangerous assignment.

Meanwhile, Dennis Rodman is still in hiding according to his friends who claim that he (Rodman) has finally admitted he has come to realize just how volatile the little leader is and issued this statement through his agent:

"Man, everyone told me that little dude was crazy but I never knew how crazy until last week when out of nowhere he offs his own uncle," said Rodman.

"I ain't takin' no chances until he assures me he won't kill me too," said the pot (Rodman), who is beginning to realize all too well the hypocrisy of his calling this North Korean kettle black.

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Alex Jones Claims Brain Farts are Real and Dangerous

Shameless Re-Issue of Earlier Post

Alex Jones, host of his own radio show, The Alex Jones Show, and known for his outlandish conspiracy theories, claims that he has personal knowledge that brain farts are not only a real medical condition, but they can be extremely dangerous.

“I have had several very close calls with brain farts just in the past two weeks,” said Jones, while commenting on his recent appearance on Piers Morgan Tonight.

“In one particularly scary incident, I was loading my gun and couldn’t remember if I’d put all the bullets in the chamber. I had to hold the gun to my head and click it to figure out if I had or not.”

Jones claims that after the second click, he pulled the gun down from his head and said out loud “brain fart,” and looked quite perturbed as he realized all he had to do is look in the chamber.

Damn near almost blew my head off,” he said. “Luckily, I caught it in time, and realized it was just a brain fart, but man, that was the closest call I’ve had yet.”

Jones claims that most of his brain farts are pretty innocuous, but that they are getting worse and worse, and he blames them on secret medical experiments the Keebler elves are conducting on him in his sleep.

“You know, I’m thinking of saying one thing, and end up saying another. That happens quite often with me,” he admitted. We couldn’t agree more.

Jones was then asked exactly why he believes brain farts are true medical conditions, but he couldn’t really come up with anything. True to form, however, Jones claimed it was a trick question, but then proceeded to make up this response.

“Did you know that the CIA developed Rice Crispies for the sole purpose of sending subliminal messages through the digestive tracts of young children in order to brainwash them into thinking that it is okay for boys to play with Ken dolls?”

Jones then cut the interview short saying that the aluminum foil jockey shorts he was wearing to protect his testicles from the microwaves being emitted from the small microphone “they” insisted he wear were beginning to chafe him, and he immediately left the studio.

Sunday, December 15, 2013

Top Celebrities Pledge to Create Thousands of Entourage Jobs

Sid Weinstock, a savvy businessman from Los Angeles, has a list of some of the biggest names in the country who are each pledging to hire several new entourage members in an effort to create upwards of 100,000 new jobs in America in 2014. Justin Bieber has promised to add at least 20 new members to his entourage in the coming months. Auditions for the jobs will be taking place in Atlanta in January.

Friday, December 13, 2013

Dennis Rodman Missing After Jang Song Thaek's Execution

Although the mainstream media is reporting that Dennis Rodman is still planning on traveling to North Korea next week to begin training North Korea's basketball team, no one close to Rodman has seen him since the execution of Kim Jong Un's uncle, Jang Song Thaek today.

Friends close to Rodman claim that he has not been heard from since early this morning, and his own personal trainer says he did not show up at the gym as usual this afternoon.

His closest friends can only speculate that Rodman made public his renewed commitment to travel to North Korea this upcoming Monday following the execution in order to remain on the good side of the quick-tempered Jong Un.

How long Rodman will remain in hiding is anyone's guess.

"He got in over his head on this one," said one friend identified only as "Dunker." Dunker said the last time he talked to Rodman, which was last week for a game of one-on-one, Rodman didn't appear as biggety as normal.

"He was all quiet like, you know, he had something on his mind, and he played a terrible game that day."

Dunker remembers though, there was something else about Rodman.

"Something he said to me kinda curdled my blood. He said he knew something was going down and he'd probably have to leave town for awhile, but he wouldn't say what it was."

And now after the execution, Dunker was asked, "Do you think it was the execution? That Dennis Rodman knew about the execution and was asked to keep quiet until it was carried out?"

"Worse," said Dunker. "He might just be the next one to be executed," Dunker predicted.

Asked why he thought Kim Jong Un would want to execute his best friend in the whole world, Dunker confided.

"Well, imagine you are Dennis, who, after all, has not led a very saintly existence and you just hear that your North Korean friend has executed his favorite childhood uncle for the charge of leading a 'capitalist decadent lifestyle...a dissolute, depraved life, squandered money...,' etc. Need me to go on?"

Saturday, November 30, 2013

Josh Romney Races to Save Car from Fiery Crash

Josh Romney, third eldest son of Mitt Romney, is home safe today after his heroic rescue of a vehicle that flew past him at a high rate of speed, crashing into the kitchen of a home in Holladay, Utah on Thanksgiving evening.

The Holladay/holiday crash is receiving widespread coverage today after Romney tweeted this message on his Twitter account:

“Was first on scene to big accident, see pic of car in the house. I lifted 4 people out to safety. All ok. Thankful — Josh Romney (@joshromney) November 29, 2013.”

The thousands of people who have seen the photo and the tweet are scratching their heads and wondering just why Romney is thankful, and more importantly, why any good Samaritan, as he is clearly holding himself out to be, would be posing in front of a vehicle resting on its side from which four victims escaped with their lives.  

Evidently, once he realized there was no imminent danger from the crash, Romney continued his spate of poor judgment by poking a little fun to relieve the tension.

“I was at the right place at the right time. However, the kitchen and the car weren't so lucky.”

The driver of the car said he could not get over how calm and collected Josh Romney was after saving his car and he (the driver) was not at all averse to allowing Romney permission to use the photo at a later date if and when he (Romney, not the driver) decided to run for President.

Raters (Romney haters) who later dismissed the tweet as nothing more than another Romney family member’s feeble attempt at grabbing attention by posting a Humblebrag, point out that there aren’t many people who could stand at the scene of such a horrific crash and smile through it.

However, as one witness to the accident so eloquently stated, “Tonight, Josh Romney was given the ability to salvage his family’s good name by saving a vehicle, something his father was never able to do during his (Mitt Romney’s) recent presidential grab.”

Monday, November 25, 2013

American Cities Allowing Pigeon Shoots for Poorest Families this Thanksgiving

Some cities hardest hit by the ever-worsening recession have come up with a way to kill two birds with one stone so to speak. They are urging the poorest of their citizens to take aim at the over abundance of pigeons soiling the cities’ sidewalks and advising them to cook the birds in place of turkeys this year for Thanksgiving.

Even though turkey prices haven’t changed much since last year and are, in fact, a bit cheaper this year, due to the reduction in benefits received by millions of families under the food stamp program beginning the 1st of this month means many families will have to forego the traditional Thanksgiving meal this year. Interestingly, the average amount an individual food stamp recipient will now receive is $11 less per month, which just happens to amount to the average price of a turkey large enough to feed a family of 4-6.

“While we should be ashamed of the fact that our poorest citizens are having to scramble to feed their families overall, let alone, provide a nice meal on Thanksgiving day,” said George Rosevelt, City Manager of Chicago, Illinois, “the fact of the matter is, the cut in the food stamp program beginning November 1st has sent a clear message to the hungry.”

“Which is?” asked a reporter from Fox News, sent to cover the story.

Rosevelt went on to explain a program he and managers from other larger cities around the country came up with when they learned of the cuts scheduled to take place in the food stamp program.

“We could not, in all good conscience, leave our poorest citizens out in the cold without some sort of coping mechanism to deploy in order to provide sustenance for their family units during one of the most revered holidays this country enjoys. While barnstorming many ideas, one city manager came up with the idea of allowing a day of squab hunting for citizens who could show a need for some type of alternative protein for the holidays.”

Rosevelt stated that other animals were mentioned in the meeting to meet a minimum in dietary guidelines according to the USDA, including squirrels, whose numbers also present a problem for most cities. However, seeing as the Thanksgiving holiday is centered around a bird, the pigeons got an immediate yes vote from an overwhelming majority of those managers in attendance.

“That, and the fact that when you mention pigeon for dinner, it sounds so awful, but fortunately, when you use the word ‘squab,’ well, it seems almost as if we are allowing poor families to dine one day out of the year like the wealthy.”

When asked if the governance of these cities could exert some pressure on Congress to reverse the cut in food stamps for the poorest, especially during the holiday season, Rosevelt replied that was never a consideration.

“You can’t fight City Hall,” he replied, using the age-old adage in a ‘turnabout is fair play’ sort of way, to indicate that even in light of the dire situation his city’s poorest face, he still has the ability to find some humor in the tragedy unfolding across America. 

Sunday, November 10, 2013

Fox News Best at Dumbing Down America

Results of a preliminary study conducted by the Institute for the Dumbing Down of America (IDDA), Fox News Group has come out way ahead of any other television network news provider as having phenomenal success in creating misinformed, less intelligent human beings over the past ten years.

According to Dr. Bo Gusfindings, “folks who have been getting their news from shows such as The Glenn Beck Show (while no longer airing on Fox, people still believe Glenn Beck to be the #1 guy to go to for news), The O’Reilly Factor, On the Record with Greta Van Susteren, and Hannity were less able to correctly answer simple third grade questions than those who got their news from alternative news sources.

One study participant, when asked if she thought global warming was a real threat stated robotically, “global warming is the biggest scam perpetuated on people.” (Points were deducted from her score for using perpetuated rather than perpetrated.) But moving on, this particular Fox News viewer then gave her reasons for why she thought global warming was a scam:

1. Right now it is so cold where I live that I can’t even go outside, and I live in Houston. Can you believe it snowed in Houston? In the winter? If snow is cold, it can’t be warm, right?

2. They say the ice at both poles is melting and making the oceans rise, but the oceans rise and fall all the time. It’s called tides.

3. Global warming people just want me to buy green products, but my favorite color is blue.

When Gusfindings was pressed as to why he thought adults who watched Fox News were becoming less intelligent, he cited several factors. “For one thing,” he said, “these viewers are being shown misinformation in the form of photos and stage props, such as blackboards and white boards, while simultaneously being told half truths and misinformation. What this does is confuse the Fox News viewer, who has to decide whether to listen to what is being told him or watch the visual aids. This type of news broadcast leads to a repressed thinking pattern caused by willing the viewer to do two things at one time.

For instance, on The Glenn Beck Show, Beck used many visual aids to get his point across such as white boards, black boards, and giant note pads on easels. In one case, while misspelling the word “Oligarhy” on a blackboard, Beck was telling his viewing audience that America was turning into an “Oligarchy” and tying it in visually with words like ACORN Style Organization, Obama and Hidden Agenda, among others. Said Gusfindings, “this is a perfect example from which to gather our information for our studies.”

After showing this particular video to the study participants, Gusfindings gave each of them a simple comprehension test to determine what they learned, and these are the results:

1. How do you spell Oligarchy? 100% answered “Oligarhy.”

2. What is a hidden agenda? 95% answered “true” that it was a practical joke played on the President by his children.

3. What is ACORN? Answers ranged from “I don’t know” to “why do they spell it with all capital letters?”

4. Who is Obama? 97% of the answers cannot be printed here, but suffice it to say that only the “N” word was spelled correctly.

In addition, Beck staged skits featuring things like dousing an actor on his show with supposed gasoline while impersonating scary things Obama might say, and then threatening to light a match to set the actor on fire. This type of subliminal thought transference leaves the viewer coming away from the images believing Obama to be a very scary and psychopathic leader who looks a lot like a white guy.

Gusfindings was asked what, if anything, can be done to reverse this unsettling trend of dumbing down America by these types of faux news channels. He had this to say, “short of tying these folks down and making them watch real news reports where a newscaster actually reports the news without injecting his or her two cents’ worth into the stories presented, and short of taking away viewers’ television sets altogether and making them actually sit down and read a newspaper, I’m afraid this trend will continue to escalate until the majority of Americans will only be able to communicate in bits and bites, and by bites, I do mean that literally.”

Thursday, October 31, 2013

Breast Cancer Group Pulls Off Huge End to Breast Cancer Awareness Month

Just when we all thought the National Breast Cancer Foundation had topped itself this month by talking the White House into “glowing pink” for Breast Cancer Awareness Month, many witnessed a rare treat in the western sky on October 31 to mark the end of the month-long campaign against one of the worst diseases to strike women all over the world.

“Look, mommy,” said Samantha Jones, a first grader at Long Island Elementary School to her mother, pointing at the sky around dusk. “It’s a giant pink boobie.” Indeed, what Samantha was seeing was a giant pink breast shining in the western sky reminding everyone just how huge a problem breast cancer is.

“We wanted to go out with a bang,” claims the foundation’s manager in charge of public relations, who admitted the foundation was getting some negative feedback from some folks who claim that there was just too much pink this year.

“We were told by quite a few people that while they were behind finding a cure for breast cancer, they had about enough of the pink for everything from t-shirts and mugs to pink glow-in-the-dark gummy breasts” (a specialty item made for several bachelorette parties for the rich).

Sure, lighting the White House in a rosy glow was a pretty huge feat,” said Johanna Whitcomb, “but the large pink breast glowing from space, well, we when we were approached by a company by the name of Hugh G. Productions and told they could pull this off, we had no doubts that it could and should be done.”

Whitcomb says that by and large, the reaction to shining a huge pink breast in the western sky was positive. She did admit that a few mothers called to tell us that it was a bit over the top, especially since there would be young impressionable male children who might witness the event, “but overall,” she said, “we couldn’t pass up the opportunity to shine the largest breast we could to remind everyone that this is a huge, huge problem.”

Asked if Whitcomb could say what is in store for next year’s event, she replied she could not.

“I mean, c’mon. Short of having the space shuttle pull a pink banner behind it on its next trip around the earth, I think we pretty well nailed it with the pink breast.”

We couldn’t agree more.

Physicists Denied Place in Guinness Book of World Records for Discovery

Ed. Note: Found another gem that I don't even remember writing, let alone figuring out what the hell I wrote. Just as well. We have enough geniuses in the world. I just like making stuff up.Let me know if you can figure it out.

Guinness Book of World Records adjudicator, Martin Cransky, was sent to Israel to certify that two Israeli physicists have achieved a world record of entangling or inextricably linking five light particles that possess what they call a “weird feature of superposition.” However, upon arrival and meeting with the Israeli researchers, Cransky was thoroughly convinced that there are just some world records that no one will ever get and putting them in a book is infinitely beneath them. In addition, the adjudicator admitted he didn’t understand a thing he was being told or shown.

Said Cransky, “Do you understand this statement, for instance: ‘Superposition exists only in the quantum world and is perhaps best known from the example of Schrödinger’s cat.  Schrödinger proposed a thought experiment in which a cat sits in a closed box along with a radioactive substance that might, or might not, decay and break open a bottle of poison gas. Until the box is opened and its contents are observed, the cat exists in a superposition: it is both alive and dead at the same time.’ Well, neither do I, so how can I possibly grant these physicists a place in the Guinness Book of World Records when I don’t know what the hell they’re talking about?”

The Israeli physicists were quite disappointed upon learning that their find, while lauded in the scientific community, will go largely unnoticed by the general public. One physicist had this to say “Here we are, day in and day out, working with photons and beam splitters, working and re-working laser angles to get just the right conditions to turn our hypotheses into realities, and what do we have to show for it? Not even a mention in the Guinness Book of World Records. Tell you what, why don’t I just take off my lab coat, put on a t-shirt that says “Ask Me About My Weiner” and enter one of those inane hot dog eating contests? Betcha that’d get me into the stupid book.”

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Ted Cruz Found Sobbing in Basement of D.C. Mexican Restaurant

Sources say that when Ted Cruz found out today he had singlehandedly taken down the Republican Party instead of the Democratic Party, the news caught him off guard. So much so that when it came time for him to vote on a measure in the Senate to keep the government open temporarily and raise the debt ceiling, he was nowhere to be found.

His friend, Jim DeMint, President of the Heritage Foundation and former U.S. Representative and Senator from South Carolina, finally located Cruz just as the House was getting ready to vote on the Senate measure. The measure was expected to win easily in the House, something Cruz was wont to deny.

“C’mon, Ted, it’s time to get yourself up, brush yourself off, and start all over again,” sang DeMint to a bemused and befuddled Cruz, lying in a corner of the Washington Mexican restaurant where just days before, he was boasting of taking over the White House majority and letting the government default on its bills.

“I let you down, I let Charlie and Dave down (referring to the Koch Brothers), heck I just about let everyone down, I guess,” said Cruz.

 “I don’t think I can ever face my colleagues again,” sobbed Cruz, wiping a tear from his eye, but tapping his toe just the same to DeMint’s catchy rendition of the Sinatra song, Pick Yourself Up.

“Sure you can,” responded DeMint. “Oh, they might be a little bit mad at you for a couple of days, but before you know it, you’ll be right back on top, back on top in June, or maybe sooner,” DeMint said as he launched into another feel-good song by Frank Sinatra (That’s Life) to cheer up his little buddy from Texas.

“So whaddaya say, Ted?" said DeMint as he handed his buddy an embroidered hankie.

"You ready to get up on your feet and get back over to Capitol Hill and see what we can do to start salvaging our Party before we get trashed too badly?

“S-s-s-sure, Jim,” said a happier Cruz, as the two politicians came out of the basement, arms locked together, singing Cruz’ favorite Sinatra tune, High Hopes.

Sunday, October 6, 2013

Speaker of the House Replaced with Bellyacher of the House

Today, on Face the Nation with Cindy Crowley, John Boehner announced that he was giving up his gavel to Ted Cruz. Boehner says that Cruz has been running the show for a while now behind the scenes and is accomplishing much more that he (Boehner) has, so “why not?” in Boehner’s words.

“Besides, I’ve been missing getting outdoors and playing golf before the weather turns cold,” said Boehner, not realizing the irony in that last figurative statement as it applies to the present fight on Capitol Hill.

“Thank Goodness, Ted (Cruz) has agreed to take things over,” continued Boehner.

Boehner, not usually known for his sense of humor, even gave Cruz a new name, replacing Speaker of the House with Bellyacher of the House.

“It is much more appropriate in Representative Cruz’ case,” said Boehner. “I mean, you can’t deny the fact that he has complained more than any Representative we’ve had in office in recent memory, besides maybe Michele Bachmann.”

When asked why Boehner didn’t hand the gavel over to Bachmann, then, due to her seniority, Boehner replied, “Because she only whines to the media. It is almost impossible to get her to speak on the floor, partially because she was raised that women have their place, and they don’t speak down to men, be they members of her own party or Democrats, and mainly because she knows we think she’s batshit crazy.”

Asked what Boehner’s thoughts are on exactly why Ted Cruz has decided to hold the country’s economy hostage over his fight on Obamacare, Boehner, once again showing his typical equivocation on the issues, replied, “Oh is that what this is about? I thought it was just an ego thing. My bad.”

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Ted Cruz Re-enacts Own Version of Sermon on the Mount

Ted Cruz, emboldened by his 21 hour filibuster, has taken a spot on the steps of the House of Representatives this morning to re-enact his version of Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount. Though this re-enactment is an obvious violation of the concept of separation between church and state, Cruz has already crossed that boundary by kneeling in prayer in front of the White House last week.

Cruz’ sermon is not expected to last quite as long as his filibuster, but, being a man of many words, Cruz is expected to pray at least until he is either asked to leave, or has to empty his bladder, whichever comes first. However, it is suspected that to assure his ability to pray non-stop, the gentleman from Texas will have a small catheter inserted in his pee-pee.

Some of the sermon has been leaked by a not-so-faithful aide, and it is printed here to give you an idea just how close to the Sermon on the Mount Rep. Cruz comes when addressing his fellow lawmakers.

The Sermon begins as follows:

My fellow Republicans, just as Jesus started his sermon without further adieu, I will do so as well…Blessed are they who hunger and thirst for righteousness, not the righteousness we think is righteousness, but you know, the righteousness I’ve been talking about now for about a week or so, that kind of righteousness;

Blessed are they who are persecuted for the sake of righteousness, i.e. me and a few of my colleagues, ‘cause we are definitely gonna get the kingdom in the end, you’ll see;

Blessed is me when they insult and persecute me, because I don’t deserve it, number one, and number two, bully on you because eventually I’ll win and might even eventually be voted in as Speaker of the House because, let’s face it, I do speak kind of well;

Don’t think I’ve come here to strike down and abolish the law, well, actually I am here to abolish Obamacare, but I have never accepted the fact that that law is legal even though it may have been passed in both Houses and affirmed by the Supreme Court, what I don’t get is how they did it and so, in my mind, yeah, I guess I have come here to strike down and abolish Obamacare…;

This gives you a feel for what Cruz will be harping on for the next several hours. He is expected to touch on the issues of meekness, something about being the salt of the earth, and time permitting, the Ten Commandments.

According to the errant aide, Cruz also will include a writing about himself in the form of Dr. Seuss, a part of which is as follows:

I stood in the House on that nice sunny day,
I asked all my colleagues if they wanted to play,
I stood there with Chambliss, Cornyn, and Blunt,
They all were behind me and my little stunt…

The sermon continues today, and will be reported on further upon its conclusion. In the meantime, don’t expect any real issues to be resolved by Congress in the coming days such as tougher gun laws or adequate funding for education for our youth, as Cruz and his band of disciples are determined to bring their message to their own mount, i.e. Capitol Hill.

Monday, September 30, 2013

Local Woman Saves Planet by Allowing Satan to Dwell in Her Abscessed Tooth

“The pain, thweet Jethuth the pain,” yelled Cloris Zucker as the dentist poked around in her mouth trying to find the source of her discomfort. He started out innocently enough, beginning on the left side and working his way over to the right.

“This one?” asked the dentist

“Noph,” replied Cloris.

“This’n?” He asked as he hit the next tooth with his little silver hammer.

“Noph,” she said. “Nob fat one.”

Before he could even ask, Cloris leapt about a foot into the air and yelled “Yesh, oh yesh, yesh, yesh,” with tears rolling down the side of her face. “Thash the one.”

Meanwhile, halfway around the world, people in Greece had stopped complaining to their government about cuts in their retirement salaries. Most were willing to go back to work until they were nearer to retirement age like most other countries.

Children in Somalia were waking up to full breakfasts and the Red Cross had enough money to feed and clothe even the poorest of nations on earth.

The Republicans were apologizing to the Democrats for the way they’d been acting. The world, as a whole was at peace and the only thing that seemed to be causing any pain at all was Cloris’ tooth.

There was a miracle taking place around the world and the only reasonable explanation was the fact that Satan had totally immersed himself into inflicting pain on one poor creature by the name of Cloris Zucker.

Back in Sweetwater, Texas, the dental assistant was readying a cart with all the necessary tools to extract the offending tooth so that Cloris could have her life back. As the dentist asked Cloris to lean her head back and allow him to check one last time, he heard a small but mighty guttural voice “The tooth is mine, do you hear me? The tooth is mine.”

The dentist pulled back, trembling in fear. Was this really happening? Was that tooth speaking to him? He bent down again to get a closer look, and felt a small but powerful hand grab his index finger. The demon within the tooth bit the dentist and drew blood. The dentist reared back in pain a strange foreboding crossed his brow.

“I’m sorry Ms. Zucker, but I’m afraid I have some very bad news for you. The devil is residing in your tooth and that is what is causing all the pain. He refuses to let me extract him.”

At that moment, it all began to make sense to Cloris. The peace on earth, the balancing of the federal budget and new found love for President Obama, the end of the drought in Texas, it all came down to one thing. Satan was so busy causing Cloris pain in the form of an abscessed tooth that he had given up on making the rest of the world suffer. She was a heroine. If she had the tooth pulled, who knew what devastation the earth would endure.

Cloris unselfishly told the dentist to put the instruments down and get out his prescription pad.

“Write me a prescription for some more pain pills doc,” she said as she took off the dribble bib, got out of the dentist chair, and proudly walked out into a glorious Texas rainstorm.

Saturday, September 28, 2013

Alien Rays from Sun Destroying Plant Life on Earth

According to the monthly magazine, True Alien Stories, there have been several reports coming in from all over the country from people who are complaining plants in their gardens are being zapped from sun rays resulting in destruction of everything from eggplants to ornamentals.

Doris Higginbotham, who lives in Cocoa Beach, Florida, and the only person reporters could find, who had actual proof of the rays, says her herb garden is a mess due to the alien rays and every time she digs the destroyed plants up and re-plants them, the same thing happens.

“I’ve re-planted my basil and thyme at least three times this year only to see them dead in the garden bed,” said Higginbotham. She claims the only possible explanation is the alien rays and she has proof.

“I live right on the ocean in a condo. I went out one day to take a picture of an unusual plant that had a stalk growing out of the middle of it,” said the 80-year old woman.

“When I uploaded the picture on my computer, there were rays coming directly from the sun and shining down on the unusual plant. Three days later, the plant was dead.”

Asked if Mrs. Higginbotham later went out to take a picture of the dead plant for proof, she replied she did but was told the City had already removed the plant.

“It was on City property,” said Higginbotham, “and don’t you know that right when you want your City to leave things alone is the time they come out and do their jobs.”

Unfortunately, the City employee who was assigned to remove dead plants along the shoreline that week was out on disability leave due to an as yet unnamed rash.

“I wouldn’t doubt the poor fella got the rash from the alien rays,” said Higginbotham.

“I’m just lucky to be alive. From now on, I’ll only go outside when the sun is behind my building. You just don’t know when the aliens are going to attack again.”

Asked if Higginbotham had actual proof that alien sun rays were destroying her herb garden, she replied “no.” Asked if there could be another possible explanation for the death of her herbs, Mrs. Higginbotham was adamant it had to be alien rays, after reading the story about the rays in True Alien Stories.

As the reporter was packing up his equipment in Mrs. Higginbotham’s back yard, Mrs. Higginbotham was shooing the neighbor’s cat from her garden.

“Darned cats. Don’t you know, I just cannot keep them from shi**ing in my garden.

Fiscal Cliff Sing-Along Songs

Ed Note: First wrote this in 2012, and here we are again, same circumstances. The Republicans just won't give an inch. At any rate, here are some songs you can sing around the campfire as the electric company has probably already shut off your energy supply. Thank God for those who still have a back yard.

Oh no, Oh no (Hi ho, Hi ho)

Oh no, Oh no
It’s over the cliff we go
No deal was struck
We’re outta luck
Oh no, Oh no, Oh no

Oh no, Oh no,
Our taxes are gonna grow
We’re in a pinch
Please, someone flinch
Oh No, Oh No…

Seal, Seal, Seal the Deal (Row, Row, Row Your Boat)

Seal, seal, seal the deal
Quickly as you can
Hurry, hurry, hurry or
The shit will hit the fan

It’s Beginning to Look a lot Like Deadlock (It’s Beginning to Look a lot Like Christmas)

It’s beginning to look a lot like deadlock
On the Senate floor
Take a look the President’s face
He’s not in a pretty place
The Tea Party is headed out the door…

Boehner’s Turn to Cry (Judy’s Turn to Cry)

And now it’s Boehner’s turn to cry, 
Boehner’s turn to cry,
Boehner’s turn to cry-ay-ay,
Cause Harry don't like, Harry don't like
the deal…

Seal the Deal (Let it Snow)

Oh the President’s on the floor,
As prices begin to soar,
He’s making this one last spiel,
Seal the deal, seal the deal, seal the deal.

Bye, Bye the American Dream (Bye, Bye Miss American Pie)

So bye, bye the American dream
Your home is in foreclosure
And your bankbook’s a scream

Republicans and Democrats all are alike
Sayin’ we won’t have a deal by tonight…

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Grown Man Overdoses on Gummy Vitamins

Ed. Note: Some of you may have noticed that I have been re-posting previous articles the last couple of weeks. The reason is personal, but I assure you I will soon have new material to read. In the meantime, feel free to browse the archived articles, which you will find on the right-hand side of this page. And, feel free to comment on the articles and let me know which ones tickle your funny bone. Thank you for following this Blog.

The FDC has issued a warning for adults who are now taking their daily vitamin supplements in the form of gummy shapes to take only one per day as they are not candy.

Thomas “Tommy” Smith, of Cincinnati, Ohio is in the hospital recovering from an overdose of nutrients when he simply could not stop eating his daily multivitamins.  

“I saw a television commercial for daily multivitamins that came in the form of gummy fruits,” said Tommy from his hospital bed. “I noticed they had a sour fruit flavor, which is my favorite flavor in the whole world.”

Tommy claims he had a buy-one-get-one-free coupon and ended up bringing home two bottles, one for himself and one for his wife. “I opened the bottle of sour gummy multivitamins and popped an orange slice-shaped vitamin into my mouth and was hooked,” said Tommy.

By the time his wife found him four hours later, he was semi-coherent with his bottle gone and his wife’s bottle half empty. “I didn’t much care for the regular gummy flavor,” said Tommy, indicating that by then, he was having second thoughts on downing so many of the flavorful fruits.

Doctors claim Tommy’s lack of taste for the regular-flavored gummy vitamins saved his life. “Had he bought two jars of the sour gummies,” said Dr. Granimal, chief physician at Methodist Regional Hospital, “Tommy wouldn’t be with us today.”

Dr. Granimal has reported this incident to the FDC which subsequently issued the nationwide warning. Adults with a sweet tooth are advised against taking the vitamins in this new candy formula. 

“While the candy-flavored chewable vitamins have worked for kids for decades,” said an FDC spokesperson, “some adults evidently are weaker than their kids and simply don’t have the will power to take just one as recommended.”