Christian Coalition Torn between Hating Obama and Fearing Armageddon

The elections are over, Obama has won decisively, and now the Christian Coalition is at a crossroads. 

Founder Pat Robertson says that these days he is finding it difficult to re-focus on the Apocalypse because he had faith that Romney would win and “that would be the end of the political nonsense,” as he puts it.

“We worked hard to get this country back in shape, elect a good leader, and move on toward our most important message which is “get ready for the day of judgment, but it didn’t happen,” said a deeply troubled Robertson.

Robertson says he has been receiving many phone calls and letters asking him “Pat, what do I do now? Do we continue to hate Obama or start stocking up for the end days?”

“I tell them that at this point in time it is just too soon after the elections and for right now, they can take a few days to hate their President, and then when the numbness and anger wears off a little, they can go back to stocking their weapons and building their bunkers.”

Robertson apologized publicly for his feelings. 

“I’m genuinely sorry that I am having such a hard time getting past the fact that Obama was re-elected that I can’t be there whole-heartedly for my followers,” said Robertson with a noticeable heavy heart.

Robertson just wants his followers to know this “I am fully aware that the world as we know it is going to end on December 21, 2012, and we need to get cracking if we are gonna beat this thing and get ourselves ready for the rapture, but try as I might, I can’t help thinking that my own world ended on November 6, 2012 at approximately 11:15 eastern standard time.”

Missouri Proposes Plan to Switch From Public to Home Schooling System

Kansas City, MISSOURI – As the school year starts up again around the country, news of a radical plan to totally abolish the public school system in the state of Missouri seems to be wildly popular with just about everyone who lives there. In fact, the plan is so popular that a referendum has been placed on the November ballot asking Missouri citizens to vote for or against changing the public school system over to a private system which encourages home schooling.

According to several far right conservative lawmakers, this change has been a long time coming. Tired of the bureaucratic red tape they’ve been fighting for years from the federal government, many are saying it’s not worth the extra money they get from Washington to not be able to school their children the way they want to.

Kansas City assistant school superintendent, Grover Danquist, who first proposed the idea in 2010, assured reporters it wasn’t the fact that Missouri schools have one of the highest percentages of illiterate students in the nation that spurred them on to such a radical change.

“Naw, that ain’t why we’re doing it,” said Danquist. 

“We’re just sick and tired of being required to offer classes like science and math when the most important things we should be teaching our kids is how to pray and shoot a gun.”

Danquist elaborated. “Ever since they took prayer out of the classrooms, we’ve gone downhill. Home schooling provides parents the opportunity to have an ultimate say-so in what their kids are learning,” and, he added, “Most of us firmly believe that the end times are nigh, meaning it’s time to put away the school books and start picking up the Bibles.”

Danquist also said that most Missourians he knew felt it was absolutely essential that their young citizens learn how to shoot a gun as early as possible. 

“We ain’t talking about none of that zombie nonsense,” he said, “but when the end days do come, we just have to make sure everyone knows how to defend themselves.”

Danquist and others like him are targeting public education programs they claim are teaching their kids the wrong ideals. 

“We don’t need science to tell us the weather is crappy, and we don’t need science to tell us where we came from. We came from God, period,” he said.

An official spokesperson from the U.S. Department of Education, who was asked to comment on this story, said they weren’t aware of the situation but gave us an off-the-cuff response.

“Sure, fine, whatever. Couldn’t be any worse than the system they have in place now."

Woman Loses Touch with Reality after Watching Weeklong Reality Series

TOPEKA, Kansas – A local woman was transported to KVC Psychiatric Hospital Sunday evening after neighbors called 911 to report a crazed woman trying to build a “doomsday bunker” in her back yard.

Norma Lee Fein, 58, was busy using a chainsaw to cut down a tree in her back yard to make room for a planned bunker when her neighbors tried to stop her. When Fein refused to put the chainsaw down, threatening to cut anyone who got in her way, the neighbors called police.

Paramedics were called to the scene, and once officers were able to subdue the woman, it was determined she would be transported to a psychiatric facility for evaluation.

“I was in my living room watching Coast Guard Florida on the Weather Channel when I heard a loud buzzing noise,” said Ed Franklin, Fein’s next door neighbor. “I said to my wife, Edna, “that there sounds like a chain saw.”

Franklin said he went around to the back yard and watched as his neighbor, Norma Lee was getting ready to cut down a maple tree that stood along their mutual fence line.

“Norma’s usually a quiet woman who stays to herself,” said Franklin. “To be honest, I didn’t even know she owned a chain saw,” he said. “Anyways, when I tried to get her to stop cutting the tree down, she threatened to cut me too, so I called the cops.”

Once Fein was subdued and strapped to a gurney for transportation to the hospital, Franklin said he asked Norma what would have made her do such a thing.

“The world’s coming to an end, Ed,” she told me. “I seen it with my own eyes. I been watching the Discovery Channel since Tuesday—that’s when they started with the stories about the end times, the Mayans, Armageddon, all that crap. Then I watched more stories about what’s gonna happen to us, how if the earthquakes don’t get us, the tornados will, or the hurricanes or the tsunamis—course I wasn’t too worried about the tsunamis since I ain’t nowheres near a ocean.”

But Ed says Fein told him that the final breaking point was the show called Doomsday Bunkers where supposedly normal, God-fearing people are using all their hard-earned money to have bunkers built on their property in order to protect their families and their homes from everything from deadly storms to nuclear war to neighbors attacking like zombies.

“I’m guessing she just snapped,” said Ed, who excused himself as Norma Lee was being driven off.

“Sorry guys, but I gotta get back inside now. There’s a show coming on The History Channel called After Armageddon that I don’t wanna miss.”

Charlie Sheen Gets Act Together as Apocalypse Nears

A fear of the devil and not being caught up in the rapture is evidently behind Charlie Sheen’s miraculous recovery from a life that had him headed on a path straight to hell.

“I woke up one morning and realized that there were only 434 days left until the end of the world, and I got so scared,” said Sheen while waiting in his dentist’s office. Asked how he knew the exact number of days before the apocalypse, Sheen responded, “Just because I am drug-free doesn’t mean I don’t have super-human powers.”

Sheen has even convinced his ex-wife, Denise Richards, to go in halvsies with him on a survival condo built inside an abandoned missile silo at an undisclosed location in the State of Idaho. “We’ve put a deposit down on a three-floor condominium complete with swimming pool, theater, four bedrooms and a maid’s quarters,” said Sheen as he awaited titanium tooth implants.

“With these titanium implants in my mouth,” Sheen said, “I will be able to communicate telepathically with anyone topside who might survive the apocalypse, although the chances of that happening are pretty rare,” said a reflective Sheen.

Sheen’s father, actor Martin Sheen, claims he is very proud of his son for finally understanding the apocalypse is a real threat and getting his act together. “Sure, he still talks like he’s high as a kite, but the drug tests keep coming back negative, and that’s all I really care about.”

Banks Offering Special 2012 “End Days” Savings Accounts

The Federal Reserve has cleared the way for all major banks and credit unions to begin offering their customers special savings accounts known as “End Days Savers Accounts.”  These accounts work the same way as Christmas Club savings accounts with a higher rate of interest for the short-duration accounts.

The only drawback is you cannot use the money in the account to buy gifts, but instead must spend the money on various disaster relief items such as gas masks, extra gasoline and canned food items.

Candice Entwhistle, special accounts manager at Wagons Ho Savings and Loan in Wichita, Kansas says she has already opened over a hundred new End Days accounts just in the past two weeks. “Here in Kansas, we have lots of folks who believe very strongly in the prophesies and, while they hope they’ll be raptured, they also want to be prepared just in case by having the means to buy the necessary items to get them through at least the first part of the great tribulation.”

End Days accounts offer a unique feature that sets them apart from Christmas accounts. Owners of the accounts can name a person they would like to receive the funds in the account on the off chance that the account holder does get raptured. “That way,” said Ms. Entwhistle, “the money doesn’t go to the bank or to a lost funds account, but to a relative who may not have lived a Godly life while here on earth. That money might just bring a little peace of mind to someone who believes with all their heart that they will be caught up in the rapture but will unfortunately be forced to leave behind some sinful kin. It’s a win-win,” said Entwhistle.

The special End Days savings accounts with a 0.055% interest rate can be opened beginning on December 26, 2011 and, if all goes according to plan, can be closed out the week of December 16, 2012 in time for the end of the world, which is currently predicted to take place on December 21, 2012.

This Friday the 13th Predicted to Be Astronomical Doozy

Several astronomers are coming right out and telling people to be extra careful this Friday the 13^th due to the fact that in addition to the 13^th falling on a Friday this month, another more sinister event will be happening in the skies that night—a triple conjunction with the moon lining up with Venus, Mars and Saturn all in close proximity that night. Also known as the “smiley face” effect, the occurrence is rare but has always been associated with significant happenings in history.

Triple conjunctions have occurred on significant dates in history such as the birth of Jesus Christ and the fall of the city of Constantinople, not to mention the date that Wal-Mart opened its first store—hence the smiley face logo.

In modern times, some conspiracy theorists believe the illuminati seize the opportunity to plan devastating world events when these three planets all come within close proximity to each other and the sliver of moon.

It is because of the triple conjunction that this particular Friday the 13^th is considered by some to be another doomsday date to be wary of. But that’s not all, consider this. The Perseid meteor showers are set to give an exceptional show, with the peak viewing time from the night of the 12^th into the early morning hours of the 13^th. That’s meteors folks. Although none have come close enough to the earth to cause any problems in the past, the fact that they are happening the same time as the triple conjunction does sound an alarm for some. If you’ve never seen the movie “Armageddon,” you may want to pick up a copy and watch it tonight while there’s still time to plan.

We wouldn’t suggest you go hiding under your covers just yet though. Unless you see news stories such as Sarah Palin applauding Barack Obama’s efforts in making health care affordable and available to all Americans, Rush Limbaugh admitting to his listeners that he is indeed a progressive liberal and he’s lost 50 pounds on the new Slim-Fast Diet, or Bill Clinton swearing off extra-marital affairs, you can just chalk this Friday the 13^th up as another false alarm.