Thursday, December 31, 2009

Time Square isn’t Only Ball Dropping on New Year’s Eve

According to a newly published report in the New England Journal of Medicine, men who drink more than 2-4 servings of alcohol per day—one serving equals 4 oz. wine, 12 oz. beer or ale, or 1 oz. gin, rum or other liquor--and then imbibe heavily on New Year’s Eve can expect at least one of their testicles to drop 1/32nd of an inch or roughly 0.079375 cm. each year.

In 2005, Dr. Hans Crotis, chief internist at the Hampton VA Medical Center in Hampton, VA, received a $2.4 million dollar government grant to study the effects that various drinking patterns have on a man’s reproductive organs. “Because of my own ball droppage,” said Dr. Crotis,” I had a personal interest in finding out the reason behind this physiological change in men. The best scenario to test my theory as to why men begin to show signs of early ball droppage in their 50’s was the overindulgence on New Year’s Eve. Sure, men overindulge at other times of the year, but for purposes of my study, I wanted to find men who only drink moderate amounts of alcohol during the year and then go a bit overboard at the end of the year.”

The study group consisted of 2,120 United States veterans between the ages of 22 and 34 who were paid for their participation. Each potential study member was asked to fill out a lengthy questionnaire that covered everything from medical conditions to the most important question “how much do you drink per day?” The study participants were then chosen and given a chart each year to keep track of their daily intake of alcohol. The study, which ran the course of a little over three years, from December, 2005 through March, 2009, was concluded on April 1, 2009 and results were compiled over the next few months.

Among the most astounding findings was the fact that men are not usually aware that their testicles are gradually dropping little by little “because this measurement is so minute and only affects one or the other testicle, but not both at one time.” Especially young men who are not heavy drinkers, but who still drink to the point of inebriation on New Year’s Eve may not actually notice any difference until they hit their 50’s or 60’s, when the “ball dropping” is much more noticeable. Said Dr. Crotis, “we now have a rational explanation backed up by medical research data that explains why some men’s testicles drop so much more noticeably than others in their later years.”

It has not yet been determined whether or not this change in physiology is harmful to men and therefore, until further studies can be done, Dr. Crotis advised men to continue drinking as much or as little as they like, but be aware that it may cause a good amount of droppage later on in life. He added, “if our follow up studies indicate that the droppage is indeed harmful to men and can be directly linked to their drinking of alcohol, then we will ask that warning labels be attached to wine, beer and alcohol containers to warn of the dangers that men face.”

Monday, December 28, 2009

2009 Father of the Year – NOT – Awards Announced

The year 2009 saw a plethora of bad daddy behavior around the country and we, at Glossy News, thought we’d take the low road and list some of our favorites. Although we are using a numbering system to count the dads down, in our book, they all deserve to receive the #1 worst father of the year award.

10. On April 2, 2009 at approximately 3 a.m., Robert Daniel Webb had a hankering for a hot cup of coffee, got his little 9-year-old daughter, Meadow, out of bed, and drove the two of them down to the local AM/PM Mini Mart in Ellensburg, Washington where he proceeded to rob the store. The only reason he didn’t make the top of this list is that he told his daughter, “get anything you want, sweetheart, it’s on daddy this time,” as he pointed a semi-automatic weapon at the store clerk.

9. Richard Heene, father of the now infamous “Balloon Boy” 6-year-old Falcon Heene, made headlines on October 15, 2009 when he orchestrated a hoax from his Fort Collins, Colorado home that had the entire country glued to their television sets watching what they thought was Falcon floating above the earth in a home-made “flying saucer-type” balloon.

Why, you ask, would daddy go to such lengths to involve his whole family in this type of behavior? Oh, yeah, money. Seems Mr. Heene was delusional enough to think that if he could pull off a hoax of this magnitude, he’d catch the attention of Bravo or TLC or any number of other cable channels looking for the next big reality television sensation. As much as we would have loved to see another dysfunctional family tear each other to bits on cable TV for the almighty dollar, the only thing Heene and his wife ended up getting from the stunt was some jail time. What a wacky dad you’ve got there, Falcon.

8. Michael Lohan, father of actress, Lindsay Lohan, was arrested for criminal contempt on December 14, 2009 for allegedly violating a protective order by threatening to kill his girlfriend and himself if she left him. Here’s a tip, Daddy Lohan. Acting and “acting out” are two very different things. Lose the anger.

7. Michael Monahan claims he loves his two sons, 3 and 6, and that is the reason he allowed them to play in the trunk of his car, with the lid closed of course, while he ran an errand in Fall River, Massachusetts on November 27, 2009. The judge who heard his case loves the boys too, evidently, because the boys are now in the custody of their mother.

6. Enrique Gonzalez of Fresno, California apparently doesn’t know the difference between branding cattle and branding your own son when, on April 23, 2009, he decided it was time to have a gang symbol of a bulldog tattooed on his 7-year-old son. Accounts differ as to whether or not he should get the worst father of the year award or the best father of the year award, because as Gonzalez tells it, “I just did what my son asked. He asked for a tattoo so he could be just like me.” Ah, fatherly love.

5. On or about February 8, 2009, Bradenton, Florida resident Mark Berlanger was all partied out when he handed the keys of his van to his 8-year-old boy and told him “take the wheel, Buddy, cause daddy’s too tired to drive.” After narrowly missing two pedestrians, the boy crashed into two trees and shortly thereafter police arrived to give daddy his award, some jail time. When asked why he did it, the man told police that he had taken a tad too much Xanax and felt it was the perfect opportunity to “do some bonding with my son.” Word of advice, Mark, it’s tough for your kid to “bond” with you when you’re passed out in the passenger seat of the family van.
4. It didn’t take Adam Manning of Ogden, Utah long to figure out that he wasn’t cut out to be a daddy just yet when, in October, 2009, he sexually assaulted the nurse who was wheeling his wife into the delivery room to deliver their first child. While Adam was being arrested for sexual assault for grabbing the breast of the nearest nurse, his wife was giving birth to their first child. Nice going, dad. Won’t you have some funny stories to tell the kid on future fathers’ day celebrations. Betcha can’t wait to get the wife knocked up again, just so you can go on a second date with Nurse Betty.

3. American Idol Runner-up, David Archuleta’s dad, Jeffrey Archuleta, is now known for more than his undying love for his talented son. He is also known as the guy who, on January 14, 2009, was caught with his pants down in a raid on a massage parlour in Midvale, Utah. Seems daddy Archuleta was caught “receiving services” from a masseuse and let’s just say there was more than a little Reiki going on. To be fair, Jeffrey Archuleta’s attorney says that his client was in the wrong place at the wrong time. “He was there seeking relief for a back problem and before he knew it, his pants were down and he was being handcuffed.” Shortly thereafter, the police showed up and arrested him.

2. Here’s a tip for Michael Serrano of Chula Vista, California: If you are going to show up at every one of your kid’s little league baseball games and you’re the district secretary for the local chapter for Little League Baseball, then wear a ski mask, not just a ski cap, when you are robbing the local banks so that your son’s friend’s father, who just happens to attend the same games and who, incidentally happens to be a law enforcement officer, doesn’t recognize you as the robber.

1. Jon Gosselin. Although, to be fair, he had more than a little help from Kate.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Newscasters Appeal to FBI to Create Easy Nicknames for Terrorists

The latest attempt at terrorism by Nigerian nationalist, Umar Farouk Abdulmutallabhas, is the straw that broke the camel’s back in the American newscaster business. In a rare show of agreement between the top media outlets, news commentators from every major prime time and cable news program, excluding PBS, has asked the FBI, CIA and other law enforcement and governmental spokespersons to create shorter nicknames for terrorists as soon as any new terrorist threat or action is leaked to the news.

“Not only are we finding it hard to pronounce the names when they come in, but because of the fact that most of our newsroom interns are unpaid students, they don’t have the international spelling skills necessary to get names like Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab correct,” said John Smith, newsroom associate producer at Fox News. “If the CIA could create a list of simpler names for news gatherers to follow at the outset of these terrorist acts, we could spend more time on gathering the facts instead of looking up the correct pronunciations of these foreigners’ names.”

Over at MSNBC, associate news producer Jimmy Doe agreed. “We have some of the best typists fresh out of high school writing our tickers at the bottom of every newscast and these kids just don’t have the chops to type that fast when faced with these long names that can’t be spelled phonetically. We’re actually seeing a rise in carpal tunnel syndrome-type injuries in kids as young as 17, 18 years old and our workers’ comp rates are through the roof every time we have another Al Qaida-type attack in our part of the world. I mean, even the word Al Qaida is tough for some when it’s been spelled Al-Qaeda, Alqaeda, al-Qaida, etc., said Doe. “I mean, come on, where’s the ‘u’ after the ‘Q’? When is it proper to use a small ‘a’ and when do we use a capital ‘A’?”

Not only are television news shows having a difficult time with these Arabic names. Newspapers across the country, who are struggling as it is to keep their heads above water after the advent of internet news, are finding it almost impossible to report a story of this type and get every spelling correct. “When we get stories like this latest one, everyone in the newsroom lets out a collective groan because we know it’s gonna be long hours and getting out the Arabic dictionaries to make sure that we have the correct spelling of the names,” said assistant breaking news editor, Joe Jones at the Chicago Trib. “Hell, look at us; we’re willing to shorten our name to the ‘Trib’ so why can’t they cut us a break and shorten something like ‘Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab’ to ‘U.F. Abdul’ or even ‘Umar Ab.’ I mean, can you imagine if the guy had had one or two accomplices? We’d still be trying to spell their names correctly and the latest issue of the paper would miss deadline for sure.”

In a related story, stocks of Al Jazeera News Network, or ‘AJE’ as it is known in its English version, continue to soar as advertisers flock to the only news outlet that has the ability to get a correct version of the news out in the least amount of time. When asked how they do it so quickly, news commentator, Khalida Bin Qanna, based in AJE’s newsroom in Qatar said, “look, we speak Arabic, the main language of these terrorists. Although the Arabic language uses vowels extensively, we don’t use them unnecessarily like putting a ‘u’ after a ‘q’. It is simply not needed, and I think that is where a lot of Americans get hung up. They are so busy looking for reasons behind their spellings that they don’t realize that most of these names can just be made up. At the end of the day, no one really cares. In reality, the guy who attempted the terrorist act is simply an Islamic terrorist. Period.”

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Republican “Prayercast” Convinces Santa to Skip Obama House This Year

Malia and Sasha Obama woke up to a pretty lame Christmas morning when they discovered that Santa had not visited their house this year. Said Michelle Obama, “had Barack and I not prepared for this contingency, the girls would have had no Christmas at all. Thank goodness we had the foresight to ask what would happen if some short-minded Republican Party leaders decided to pray against a nice Christmas for our children, and we went ahead and sent over some staff members to get some Elmos and I-pods for the girls at Walmart.”

Unfortunately, with no fireplace in the house the Obamas were staying in, Malia and Sasha insisted on placing milk and cookies on the front veranda for Santa. The contingency plan by Michelle and Barack went horribly awry when President Obama, thinking his staff had taken care of it, did not secretly eat the milk and cookies to make it look like Santa had visited. “I am so used to having every little mundane chore done for me these days that it didn’t even occur to me that one of my staff members wouldn’t think to get rid of the milk and cookies before morning.”

“The first thing those girls did when they woke up in the morning was to go out on the veranda to see if the milk and cookies were gone. They were not.” said Barack. “The kids were heartbroken when they realized what that meant. Santa Claus did not make a visit to the Obama home this year.”

Upon hearing the news, Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN) and Sen. Jim DeMint (R-SC), in a joint news conference Saturday jubilantly praised God, Tony Perkins and Lou Engle for the success of the “prayercast” they had commissioned to see to it that if the Senate Healthcare Reform Bill passed, then Santa would either put lots of dirty coal in Barack Obama’s stockings or would just pass over the Obama household altogether. Said Michele (Bachmann), “we have no idea why our original prayercasts didn’t work in bringing down the Senate vote on healthcare reform, but this small victory, seeing to it that Santa passed over the Obamas this year, was a major coup for the religious right and shows us that with a little more effort, these prayercasts can change the direction of this country.”

No word on how much Perkins and Engle were paid for performing what is being touted as a “major act of God,” but there are reports that each woke up Christmas morning to find brand new Hummer SUTs parked in their respective driveways.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Psychic to the Stars Makes 2010 Predictions

Chrystal Ball, self-proclaimed Psychic to the Stars has just released her predictions for the upcoming year in the entertainment industry. “Keep this list handy,” cooed Chrystal, “because you are going to have shivers running up and down your body when all my predictions come true.” Here are her top ten predictions for 2010:

1. Steven Spielberg and George Lucas are teaming up yet again to make a movie that is so big it will not be able to be shown in any movie theatre. It will have to be shown holographically into the atmosphere. Since, hypothetically speaking, it will be visible by anyone whether they buy a ticket to view it or not, Spielberg and Lucas will ask President Obama to force all Americans to purchase the ticket with an expected price tag of $24.95 adults, $23.95 children, and $12.95 seniors. Legislators will be exempt from having to purchasing a ticket.

2. Rosie O’Donnell is coming out with a book entitled “Madonna Was My Love Slave.” Unfortunately, nothing in the book will be substantiated and O’Donnell will be labeled a liar. However, during the last quarter of the year, a tearful Madonna will go public with the admission that O’Donnell was, in fact, telling the truth.

3. Rosie O’Donnell will make the headlines again when she is mistaken as an Al Qaida operative and arrested for questioning. Although the misunderstanding is quickly cleared up, upon release, Rosie issues a statement that she is no longer taking male hormones and will try one last-ditch effort to act more like a lady.

4. Michael Jackson’s father, Joe Jackson, having gone through all of the money left behind by Michael Jackson, convinces a Los Angeles County Judge to allow him to adopt a 6-year old child prodigy for purposes of turning him into another singing sensation. Protesters are outraged but back down when they see how cute the child looks in an afro and suede fringed vest.

5. Adam Lambert continues to face cancellations by major networks for upcoming appearances and is forced to take a job reprising the role made famous by Paul Reubens. The “New Pee-Wee’s Playhouse” starring Adam Lambert will premiere on the USA channel on April 1, 2010.

6. Patti LaBelle sues Lady Gaga for copyright infringement. At issue is Lady Gaga’s re-recording of LaBelle’s “Lady Marmalade” wherein the lyrics are changed from “Gitchi gitchi ya ya da da
Gitchi gitchi ya ya here,mocha chocolata, ya ya, Creole Lady Marmalade” to “Gitchi gitchi ya ya Ga Ga, Gitchi gitchi Ga Ga here, I am so Vanilla mama, Gotcha Lady Gaga right here.”

7. In an ironic twist of fate, Michael Vicks is mauled by several pit bulls outside an exclusive St. Louis BBQ pit, while waiting for the valet to bring his car around. He is rushed to the hospital where he receives dozens of stitches and is forced to undergo painful rabies injections.

8. Levi Johnston releases his memoirs covering the short span of time that he was involved with Sarah Palin’s daughter, Bristol. Sarah Palin goes on the defense when it is implied in the book that instead of being a mama bear, Palin acts more like a mama cougar, and Johnston is forced to put a lock on his bedroom door from the inside.

9. Susan Boyle announces engagement to 29-year old Guillermo Pazzoli from Italy. Knowing he is just in the relationship for the fame and money doesn’t faze Boyle as she lavishes her “boy toy” with expensive gifts and purchases a love nest for the two of them on the Isle of Capri.

10. Still stewing over the dissing by Kanye West at the VMA awards, Taylor Swift negotiates a deal to purchase the copyright to West’s hit song “Heartless” and records a Country version of the single. Swift’s version wins “Best Song of the Year” award at the Grammys.

*Tiger Woods was purposefully left out of this article due to the fact that while trying to channel the predictions surrounding Woods, Chrystal Ball suffered serious psychic injuries as a result of TMI (Too Much Information).

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

In Rio de Janiero, Buy Guns, Get Free Homes

A Brazilian gun dealer has offered to give a free home to the first five customers of the New Year if they buy any quality rifle from his gun shop. Jose Arma de Fogo says he got the idea from a news item he picked up off the Globo International newswire where a Kansas City, Missouri real estate broker is offering a free gun voucher to anyone who signs a contract to purchase a house in the Kansas City, Kansas area.

In Brazil, standard real estate is extremely affordable and in fact, a home on a small plot of land can actually cost less than a decent gun. In recent years, illegal gun traffickers in the favelas have driven the price of guns to black market levels not seen since the 1970’s. For bona fide gun dealers in Rio, it is difficult to sell guns for anything less than a small fortune. In order to increase traffic to his gun store, Arma de Fogo bought five one-room houses in the Precludo de Violencia suburb of Rio and is offering the homes to the first five customers who purchase any gun worth more than 15,000 Reais.
Taking his cue from Arma de Fogo, Ricardo Negotiante is offering a similar deal to anyone who purchases a car from his used car lot in Bairro de Tapeador. Guns aren’t the only thing in the favelas of Rio that are more valuable than real estate. In fact, a used 1974 AMC Gremlin can fetch as much as 20,000 Reais or more, depending on whether or not it has a back seat.

While Kansas City real estate brokers are offering guns to entice buyers to buy homes in the area, and Brazilian gun dealers are using houses to entice purchasers into their gun shops, one Chinese real estate broker takes the prize this year for being the most creative in its offer to prospective home buyers with the following promotion: “Buy a House, Get Free Wife.”

A company out of Beijing has all avenues covered. It has contracted with a matchmaking agency to hire their “unwanted” girls as sales persons. It is now encouraging future homeowners to date the sales girls and if “magic” happens, they will give a prize of RMB 60,000 (Chinese Yuans) toward the purchase of one of their condominium apartments. Someone did the math and determined that the company stands to make much more money in bonuses from the matchmaking company to get these “unwanted” girls married off than they would spend giving it to potential apartment buyers.

What a year it has been. Guns and houses, houses and wives, can it get any more romantic than that? Why, yes it can. In fact, in February of this year in Eau Claire, Wisconsin, Brian Zinn of the General Coin and Gun Exchange offered his male customers a deal they just could not refuse: “Buy your girl some diamond earrings, and get yourself a free gun.” According to Zinn, the more expensive the earrings, the bigger the gun. Once the word got out, the women of Eau Claire were the ones telling their lovers to take advantage of the deal. Seems the women in Eau Claire really love big guns.

So there you have it. Just when you thought you knew the value of something, it gets all blown to hell by some creative salesperson trying to make sense of this crazy, mixed-up global economy. For those who are without the funds to purchase guns, houses, used cars, or diamonds, there are still some things you can afford so that you get something free in exchange. Just take your sweetheart down to the local Waffle House and buy yourself a waffle, because for a limited time only, you can get another waffle free.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Top Ten Medical Questions of 2009

It’s that time of year again when every conceivable list known to man is counted down before the big ball drops and ushers in a new year of question making. We combed the internet for the most common questions asked of the medical community, and here is our unofficial and indefinitive list of the top ten medical questions asked and answered in 2009.

1. Cerebrum and Cerebellum – what’s the difference?

None, they are the same thing, only one is spelled in Latin and the other is spelled in French, like Antecedent and Antebellum.

2. Why do men have nipples?

Good question. We all know why women were given nipples but why men? Well, as the story goes, God had just finished up making Adam and left him nippleless. When God then took one of Adam’s ribs and made Eve, he gave Eve nipples so that she would be able to nourish the children she and Adam would make together. Adam threw a hissy fit; he wanted nipples.

The conversation went something like this:

Adam: Hey, just a cotton-pickin’ minute there God. I notice something a lot different about Eve. She’s got a bigger chest than me and a couple of cool round things in a rosy hue sitting atop them. I want what she has.

God: Pretty cool, huh? I call them nipples.

Adam: I don’t care what you call them, I want some.

God: Would that I could Adam, but I don’t have enough rosy stuff left to give you nipples like Eve’s.

Adam: Then just give me what you got.

And so, Adam got nipples but they were not even close to being as impressive as Eve’s.

3. Why do foods that are bad for us, for instance, sugar, taste so good, and foods that are good for us, like fish oil, taste so bad? Is this a cruel joke?

The short answer is yes, it is a cruel joke. But scientifically speaking, there is a reason for these anomalies, and that reason is if sugar tasted bad, how could we even attempt to make a decent bar of chocolate?

4. How soon before we’ll be able to get our pharmaceuticals directly from drinking tap water instead of having to go to the pharmacy and pay to get them?

As a matter of fact, recent water test results from every major U.S. city show that if every American drank just 2-3 glasses of tap water a day, they would be able to lower their cholesterol, keep their blood pressure within normal limits, maintain an erection for at least 2 hours, and cure their depression. However, drinking any more than the daily allowance could trigger all sorts of abnormalities in the human body. For instance, men could begin to develop breasts from too much estrogen in their drinking water due to an increased consumption of soy products, especially in California.

5. I read somewhere that you can become allergic to a person just as much as you can become allergic to dust mites. Is this true?

While there have been rare cases of people finding it necessary to divorce because they develop ugly rashes while in the presence of their spouses and there are no dust mites to be found, this is rare and most doctors can spot a fake case of hives a mile away. So, if you are thinking of using this as an excuse to get out of a crappy marriage, you’re out of luck, at least from a medical standpoint.

6. What is the Glycemic Index and if someone wrote a book on the Glycemic Index, would the book contain an additional Index or would the entire book be an Index? And if so, what would the book be about?

We do not know.

7. Why does food smell so good when it goes into our bodies but smells so terrible when it comes back out?

This has to do with the molecular bonding of foods. When all food is molecularly bonded before eating, it has to send out an enticing aroma to make the intended ingester want to eat it. However, once that same molecular structure is introduced to saliva, it begins to break down the good-smelling cells in the food, replacing them with bad smells. All the way down the esophagus and into the stomach, saliva is mixing in with the molecular structure of the foods making them more and more stinky, and by the time the food comes out the other end of the spectrum, it is at its smelliest, and there is no way to reconstitute it to its original aroma.

8. Can you get athlete’s foot even after you’ve quit playing sports?

That’s like asking if you can get “tennis elbow” if you don’t play tennis or if someone can really be a “pain in the butt.” The answer is yes.

9. Why do we have hair under our arms but not under our knees?

Because when we perspire, sometimes we do not know whether or not we stink. The simple perspiration smell test involves lifting up your arm and turning your head to the side and catching a whiff of underarm odor. The hair under your arms is there to keep the odor you emit intact until you are able to determine whether or not you need to either shower or apply another coating of anti-perspirant to the area. Since we cannot reach down far enough to smell under our knees, the most practical place to have this odor-trapping hair is under our arms.

10. My nose looks like it belongs on a moose rather than a human. Can it be improved by plastic surgery?

Plastic surgeons, contrary to popular belief by many Hollywood stars and starlets, are not miracle workers; however, you may be able to find one who could at least reduce your nose down from the size of a honker to the size of a snout.

While this list is by no means meant to be exhaustive of all the swell questions we found on the internet about our bodies and the medicines we use to medicate them with, it is the beginning and, hopefully, if we’ve just helped one person understand the reasons behind the more simple bodily functions, we have done our job.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

UGG Boots Sales Surpassed by New Line of FUgly Boots

Just when you thought boots couldn’t get any uglier, along comes a line of boots that are truly the ugliest boots on the planet. “FUgly Boots,” says their maker, Fingdern Smogadenser, “have been described by consumers as looking like two wet, mangy rats that fit snugly over the feet.”

“We honestly don’t know why anyone would want to buy them and can only guess that they are outselling UGG Boots because Americans have absolutely no fashion taste,” said Smogadenser, from Finland.

Makers of FUgly boots are expected to come out with a summer sandal to compete with Crocs, aptly named FUgly Feet, featuring a cut out for the big toe only on each sandal.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Senate Democrats Should be Sent to Reform School

In the wake of the systematic butchering of the Senate version of the health care reform bill almost single-handedly by Sen. Joe Lieberman (Dem/Ind/Rep/Lib-CN), it has been suggested that not only Lieberman, but all Democrats should be sent to Reform School to learn the meaning of the word reform.

Let’s review. According to several sources, including the latest census polls, approximately 47 million, or roughly 1 out of 3 Americans, are without health insurance in this country. That isn’t counting the folks who are underinsured. Healthcare reform is not an issue of “should it be accomplished?” It is an issue of “when will it be accomplished?”

The original intent of health care reform called for by President Obama would effectively accomplish three important things:

1. Make healthcare insurance coverage affordable to all;

2. Extend coverage to all regardless of pre-existing conditions and not allow denial of coverage for certain procedures; and

3. Improve the quality of health care for all through investing in updated technology and focusing on preventive care.

Sounds easy enough right? Just give those pesky insurance companies a little incentive to become a little more competitive in their premium pricing by offering a public health option that would allow all those uninsured folks who can’t afford the more expensive private health insurance premiums to buy into a government program, allow folks with existing medical conditions to be able to buy affordable health insurance, and allow coverage for more than just being sick, i.e. coverage for preventive healthcare screenings. Right. And therein squats the toad.

Insurance companies like making their huge profits year after year and sitting on their piles of money. They weren’t about to take this lying down, well at least, if they did take it lying down, they’d want to still be on top. So what did they do? Well, they took some of those profits and they gave them to charities all over the world to show what nice guys they are so that the government would get off their backs. Ha ha, just joking to see if you are still paying attention. Actually, they are using some of those profits to buy themselves some high-priced lobbyists, PR professionals, and attorneys to ensure (not insure) that no one, especially some poor out-of-work slob, will get the opportunity to actually afford the product they are selling, because, God forbid, he might get sick and need to file a claim. And you know what? It’s money well spent because it seems to be working!

With the help of most Democrats, the lobbyists are winning with their lies and their deceit. They are systematically making a mockery of our legislative process. And the bill passed by the House is but a mere memory in the wake of what has become a Senate bill that, if it were to be passed today, would:

1. Hand over millions of premium-paying customers to the very insurance companies originally targeted as being the culprits who put us in this mess in the first place, by making it mandatory for all Americans to carry health insurance coverage, whether they can afford it or not. And no guarantee that the premiums won’t rise and it won’t be business as usual once the bill is passed.

2. Allow coverage for pre-existing conditions; however, allowing the insurance companies to charge much higher premiums for high-risk policy holders, making it difficult for them to afford the policies and once again, forcing them to remain uninsured and come under the ire of the government for not carrying health insurance.

3. Not provide a government option, be it public option or a buy-in to Medicare at an earlier age for those who cannot afford private health insurance, which would, of course, force the insurance companies to become a little more competitive in their pricing.

What a deal huh?

But here’s a word of advice, don’t let it get to you. The more you worry about it, the sicker you’ll get, and as it stands now, since you started worrying about it before you sought help for worrying about it, you will not be able to file a claim for your stress-related illness as it will be deemed a pre-existing condition.

So I say that unless and until we send those Senators to reform school to toughen them up and get them some lessons in what reform really means, we will continue the flawed process of seeing any bill, no matter how impressive it once was, not only whittled down to mere inconsequence, but built back into a stronger pro-insurance company bill by those with the fattest wallets and the biggest mouths.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Nevada’s Chicken Ranch Putting Roosters in the Hen House

Due to new testing methods recently developed to test men’s peckers for STD’s, male prostitutes are slated to join in the chicken dance at brothels across rural Nevada.

The owner of the first ranch to offer men up to clients said he “feared the idea of male prostitutes serving male clients could spur a legislative backlash” but he is working hard (no pun intended) “to make the brothel industry socially acceptable to both libertarians and conservatives.” (Yes, he really said that).

Did he just diss the progressives or is it just a case of being a good citizen and allowing the conservatives and libertarians to come out of the bathrooms and into socially-acceptable brothels?

Monday, December 14, 2009

Woman Blames Glenn Beck Show for Premature Aging

Shelley Saround began noticing her hair going grey about a year ago at the age of 23. In just a few short months, she went from having a head of luxurious dark brown hair to looking like Grandmama on the Addams Family.

She went to the doctor when she started noticing that she was sprouting grey hairs on the top of her head, and the doctor asked her a series of questions like had she been under a lot of stress lately? Had she suffered any catastrophic news like a death in the family? Had someone scared the bejeezus out of her lately? “And that’s when it hit me,” she said. “Almost 3 months to the day that my hair started turning grey, I began watching the Glenn Beck show. Watching Beck, for me, was like watching a bad car wreck. You know there is going to be scary stuff to see and hear, but somehow you just can’t turn away.”

For three months, Shelley watched as Beck warned her about illegal aliens coming to America to take away her factory job, how the government was ready to take away more of her earnings in the way of taxes, how Congress wanted to take away her right to buy her own damned health insurance, whether she could afford it or not, and most of all, how her beloved America was being taken over by a bunch of socialists. Yes, Shelley was systematically being scared to death, slowly, but surely, and the result was a head of premature grey hair that she will never be able to reverse.

In addition to the grey hair, she began to see dark circles form under her eyes, another sign of premature aging. Now 24, Shelley finds it difficult to get a date with any man younger than 65. “I’m often mistaken for my mother’s mother. In fact, my mother has no grey hair at all. It is a bizarre situation to be in to know that had I just listened to my friends and not watched the Glenn Beck Show, I’d still have beautiful dark hair and I’d be dating my choice of men who are my age.”

“I know it’s too late for me,” said Shelley, “but I want other people to know that if it can happen to me, it can happen to them.” According to specialists in the field, no amount of turning Glenn Beck off or swearing never to listen to him again can reverse the awful consequences of listening to his fear mongering. The damage is irreversible.

And that nervous tic over her right eye? “Rush Limbaugh did that to me,” says Shelley. “But that’s another story for another day.”

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Ashley Madison Not One of Tiger Woods’ Mistresses

If Ashley Madison is not one of Tiger Woods’ many mistresses, then who is she and what does this have to do with Tiger Woods you ask? Plenty. If you didn’t know better, you’d think that Ashley Madison was just another interior design firm, or a designer of women’s high end house dresses, or even the latest contender in ladies’ home parties like Tupperware or Pampered Chef. Right?

Well, that’s the beauty of picking a name, sort of. Noel Biderman, originator of Ashley Madison, must have had this in his head when he decided to come up with an on-line adultery business that caters to lonely housewives who are tired of the men in their lives getting all the outside action. Ashley Madison’s motto? “Life is Short—Have an Affair.” While the service can be used by either sex, it was originally targeted toward the love-starved women who go online while their husbands are working late for the 4th night a week, and just need someone to listen, and to hold and to, well, you get the picture.

Imagine the conversation when hubby gets home.

Hubby: Hi Hon, I’m home.

Cheating Wife: Oh hi hon, dinner’s in the oven.

Hubby goes upstairs to give cheating wife a peck on the cheek and ask what’s she’s been up to.

Cheating Wife: Oh, you know, the usual, shopping on the net.

Hubby: Anything interesting?

Cheating, Lying Wife: Yeah, I’ve been looking around on Ashley Madison again.

Husband (chuckling): Oh dear, not another dreadful floral print for the living room I hope!

Cheating Wife (chuckling back): You caught me!

The Ashley Madison website business is designed to hook married people up with other married or single people who just want a little sextra fun and excitement in their lives. According to Biderman, ”it’s what most married people do anyway, so why not turn a quick buck on it?” Happily married himself, Biderman claims he is offering a valuable service to mankind and likens himself to great humanitarians like Hugh Heffner, Heidi Fleiss, and others who are not ashamed to offer an avenue for the unfaithful to get as much nookie as they can in the short time they are on this earth.

Although the service is offered to either sex, imagine the conversation of a husband and wife where the husband is caught skipping through the Ashley Madison offerings:

Wife: Hi, honey, I see you’re home early tonight. What’s so interesting on the computer?

Cheating Husband: Just on the Ashley Madison site.

Wife: Why you no good, so and so. Who the hell is Ashley Madison?

See? It just doesn’t work out too well for the guys. So Biderman, taking a cue from the latest Tiger Woods clusterfu*k scandal, has opened another website geared toward cheating husbands called “Discount Golf Supplies.” Now, when a man wants to cheat on his wife, he doesn’t have to take the chance of being accused of cheating with a woman named Ashley Madison. Instead the conversation is going to go a lot more smoothly:

Wife: Hi honey, I see you’re home early tonight.

Cheating Husband: Yeah, boss gave me a break tonight.

Wife (goes upstairs to give husband a peck on the cheek): Whatcha doin?

Cheating, Lying Husband: Oh just looking around on my favorite site “Discount Golf Supplies.”

Wife: Oh that’s great dear, I know how much you love your golf. Have you decided yet on a partner to play with on Saturday?

Cheating Husband (with a smile): Not yet, dear, but I’m sure working on it.

How pleasant is that? And if Tiger had been a member of Discount Golf Supplies, when he got e-mails back confirming his order, or even pings on his phone, Elin would never have been the wiser. With member names like RU-Red-E, Cobra Xtra Long, Hole-N-1, and Deep Slice SX400, the only thing a loving wife might have to complain about is her husband spending too much money buying golfing equipment and too much time shagging golf balls.

When CNN Prime News correspondent, Mike Galanos, asked Biderman how he can sleep at night, Biderman responded “with whom?”

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Glenn Beck’s Latest Book: “Mama I Spilled My Cocoa Puffs

Yet another poignant reminder that Glenn Beck was born and lived to tell about it.

In “Mama, I Spilled My Cocoa Puffs,” Beck takes his readers back to a time when all there was for breakfast was cold cereal and a glass of tap water, but it was enough to sustain him until he got lunch in the school lunch line and then dinner back home at night. “It’s a story of courage,” says Beck. “When times seemed the darkest and I got smacked upside the head for spilling a bit of my cereal on the kitchen floor, it taught me how to mop…mop up my milk, mop up the table in front of me, mop up my tears and get on the school bus.”

“A raving lunacy of a book. I laughed until I cried of laughter.” NY Post-its.
“Beck’s brilliant understanding of how his child-like mind works will help you understand how the man Beck thinks and how he doesn’t.” LA Times Two.
“Beck, what can you say about Beck?!!” Indianapolis Weekly Shopper

“I had to write this next book,” says Beck, “because there was a chapter missing in my ‘Christmas Sweater’ book. A story that begged to be told, so people everywhere can understand why my story is so dismal, so out of touch with reality, and why I am able to get up every day knowing I am telling my truths, no matter how unbelievable they are, they are still my truths, about God, country, and a woman who shaped me into who I am today, a man not afraid of crying over spilt milk.”

Although, the story is far from over, it will be repeated over and over until we can’t take any more of the torment Beck throws at us, the anguish we must feel at reading his every word until we, too, will be crying, “please, please Beck, no more, no more, please, no more.”

“A triumphant, brilliant, extraordinary cover photo!” The Madison County Picayune Times.
“Will undeniably sit atop a shelf at Borders begging to be purchased!” Reader’s Daily Reads.
“The Dr. Seuss of childhood memories.” Science Monitory Weekly Reader.

Never before has anyone written with such child-like mastery. You can almost see the crayon marks within the pages of Beck’s words, like a house with only one window, a skateboard with a wobbly tire, or a cat with only 7 lives. Beck reaches to the inner core of all of the people out there who are out of touch and wanting so much to be in touch. Never again will you spill a bit of milk, or juice, or even wine for that matter without thinking about that little klutz, Glenn Beck, and his eagerness to make his mommy proud of him again.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Zhu Zhu Pet Toymakers in Deep Zhu Zhu

Makers of this year’s most popular children’s toys, the Zhu Zhu Pet, are doing everything they can to avoid a recall of the toy after a report issued by GoodGuide indicates that the toys contain a potentially dangerous amount of Antimony in the fur and noses of the robo-pets that can lead to poisoning in children who play with them and ingest the toxic substance by way of mouth.

The toy company issued an initial statement totally denying the toys could have the potential to poison the little tykes lucky enough to get them for Christmas, and continued to place them on the market for sale.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Popular Food Network Hosts Arrested

New York, NY – The set of the Food Network’s annual “Ho-Ho-Home for the Holidays Christmas Spectacular” looked like a war zone Thursday with eggs, flour, heavy whipping cream and blood spattered everywhere. New York’s finest were called to the set after several attempts by the camera crew to get the hosts of the show to simmer down were met with more violence.

Several popular hosts of the Food Network were asked to come into the kitchens and cook up their favorite holiday dishes for the show. Among the hosts were Guy Fooleri of “Dinners, Drippins and Deepfryers” fame, Anthony “Tony” Bourbon of the hit show “Free Meal,” Paula Deepsouth, host of several southern cooking shows on the channel, the unnaturally perky, Rachel Sunshine, host of her own cooking shows as well as a syndicated talk show, and of course, “Man Eats Himself to Death” favorite, Adam Portman.

One cameraman, who was focused on Guy Fooleri at the grill making his famous double slider corn dog hash browns on toast with roasted chipotle salsa, told us “I’m filming Guy, when all of a sudden, up comes Tony Bourbon with the biggest rubber spatula I ever saw and whacks Guy upside the head yelling ‘You stupid son-of a freakin’ Fry Daddy. It’s a fu*king Christmas show for chrissake. Cook some fu*king sugar plums or something!’ That scared the living crap out of Guy, who then swung around with his own king-size spatula and hit Bourbon right in the mouth. The two ended up rolling on the floor right next to where Paula Deepsouth was getting ready to plate her special holiday dish.”

Another crew member ran over to Deepsouth, trying to push her from in front of the camera and away from the brawling cooks. “Oh mah good sweet dear Lord of Mercy, I swear those nawthern boys are gonna be the death of me. They done ruint mah glorious double banana and rhubarb upside-down loaded stuffed French toast for the last tahm, ” she said with her usual southern aplomb while trying to stay within the view of the camera, and without missing a beat, picked up a bowl of ice cold whipping cream and threw it on top of the both of them to cool them off. Bourbon swore he was gonna kick some southern butt next. “Sweet Paula’s gonna get a taste of a New Jersey knuckle sandwich for her Christmas meal,” yelled Bourbon.

The fight escalating, Rachel Sunshine dialed 911, but couldn’t convince the operator it was a true emergency until Sunshine yelled, “they’re beating the crap out of each other! How cool is that?” The operator asked Sunshine to stay on the line until officers arrived and while waiting, asked for a simple dish she (the operator) could make for her family the night before Christmas in about 30 minutes.

By the time the police arrived, the kitchen was in shambles and Tony Bourbon was furiously trying to get maraschino cherry juice stains off his $3,000 Tony Lama leather boots, muttering under his breath about the dumbasses that call themselves cooks on the show. “Cherry juice, for chrissakes, the stupid dumbass cooks on the show are using fake fu*king cherries, and the fu*king juice has to land on my leather boots. Someone’s gonna pay.”

As Bourbon and Fooleri were led away in handcuffs, Portman offered to clean up and was last seen licking the remnants of the whipped cream and cherries off the floor within the few minutes remaining, while Bourbon’s lovely pork belly pomegranate holiday soufflé continued to bake in a 400 degree slightly moist oven.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Sarah’s Greyhound Really a Gulfstream (jet, that is)

Let’s refocus here, people. Just because a couple of wingnuts crashed a party in Washington, and some athlete, who shall remain nameless, crashed his pretty car and admitted to a few indiscretions; or, just because our President kinda let us think he was gonna do something really brave and order the withdrawal of troops from an unwinnable war but instead decided, what the hell, let’s give it one more go on the taxpayer’s dime. Let’s not lose sight of the really important news that went from front page to page 9 a little too quickly--Sarah Palin’s bogus bus tour.

Oh yeah, there’s a bus alright and sure enough, it’s got her larger-than-life picture plastered on the sides, and it is parked outside each venue she visits to sign that humdinger of a book everyone is jonesing to have in their library. I’m sorry, did I say everyone? Maybe that was a bit of an overstatement. But there is a book tour and there is a book and there is a bus with one lonely-ass bus driver, and now, there’s a jet. No wait, there is more than one jet. There are a couple of jets that just happen to be in the towns where Palin is signing her books and from which she and her entourage disembark and are whisked back upon that fancy trailer away from home and driven the couple miles or so to the next signing.

In case you haven’t heard, one of the jets she flew into Asheville, NC for her Sunday-go-to-prayer-and-political-strategy-meetin’ with the Reverend Billy Graham and his son, Franklin Graham, is owned by none other than the organization known as Samaritan’s Purse. Who, you ask? Oh, that would be one of the charitable organizations owned by the Graham family. That organization actually owns 4 planes and one of them just happens to be a Beech 300 with the N-Number N262SP. Yep, the one that got Sarah to dinner on time in Asheville.

Now, the reason we mentioned this is, do the good folks who are giving their money to this charitable organization know that their dollars are being spent to fly the Palin party in style? Straight from the Samaritan’s Purse web page that discusses Financial Accountability, we find this:

“Because the Lord supplies us with resources for ministry through individual contributions, we recognize our accountability both to Him and to our donors. We have a responsibility to be faithful stewards and to maintain integrity and openness in our financial practices. Therefore, we are committed to fulfilling the following standards…Our fund-raising appeals clearly identify the purpose and programs to which donations will be applied, and we ensure that donations are used for the purposes for which they were raised…Occasionally, we receive more contributions for a given project than can be wisely applied to that project. When that happens, we use these funds to meet a similar pressing need. Our policy is to meet the needs God lays before us, so that Christ is lifted up and the Gospel advanced.”

Can we assume that some project received way more money than necessary and it was deemed that the funds were used on the pressing need of not only lifting Christ up, but also lifting Ms. Palin and her entourage up to and from dinner at the Graham abode, because without her presence, the Gospel could not be as advanced as they would like? But if the Graham family doesn’t have a problem with accountability, why then did Franklin Graham have the flight activity for the plane blocked in the FAA records? Hmm? I’m gonna give credit where credit is due on this one. A reader of the Celtic Diva’s Blue Oasis Blog out of Alaska found the jet information after viewing a video of Palin touching down in Asheville, NC. If you go to that website, you’ll see the video and his comments.

Oh, one other thought. If Ms. Palin thought it was too extravagant to have a private jet while Governor of Alaska (remember, she made one heck of a scene out of how she was selling that darned awful jet on E-bay so that she wouldn’t look like a spendthrift), what, pray tell, changed her mind this time around? Is all that attention and fame going to her head as it would many? Nothing to be ashamed of, but at some point in time, she’s gonna have to change her “down-to-earth, homespun” façade to catch up to the new, improved hoity-toity Sarah Palin who thinks it’s ok to leave approximately 300 book buyers, who stood out in the cold for as long as 7 hours in Noblesville, Indiana, high and dry because she just couldn’t sign any more books. It ain’t no big deal, right? To her defense, she did apologize…a day later after the damage had been done. You never disappoint, Sarah.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Michaele Salahi and Ann Coulter are Sisters

A junior reporter for the bi-monthly socialite newspaper, Washington Society News, while doing research on the backgrounds of Michaele and Tareq Salahi, has uncovered a most interesting fact. Michaele Salahi and syndicated columnist Ann Coulter may be sisters. Born Michelle Ann Holt, it is believed that Michaele and Ann may share the same mother.

While Ann Coulter is vehemently denying this rumor saying that everyone should know that no sister of hers would ever want to rub elbows with a bunch of Democrats, Michaele and Tareq are happy to finally have this news out in the open. “Ok, you got us again,” said Michaele. “We just can’t keep anything a secret can we?”

Once the information was leaked, it is reported that the Salahis contacted Ann Coulter, offering to go away quietly if she would pay them a six figure amount. “Look, we’ve been shopping our White House story all around town and it can’t last forever. We need to think of our futures and although blood is thicker than money, we just can’t pass up these opportunities when they present themselves,” said Tareq.

Asked if they have proof of the fact that Ann is Michaele’s sister, Michaele began digging in her purse telling the reporter, “yeah, I have a birth certificate right here,” but couldn’t seem to produce it.

Meanwhile, officials at Walt Disney World’s Magic Kingdom have denied rumors that Michaele and Taraq posed as guests of honor, Minnie and Mickey Mouse, two weeks ago during Walt Disney’s Parade of Dreams, but an unidentified employee confirms that they, in fact, did pull a fast one at Disney and when discovered, were quickly escorted out of the Magic Kingdom.