Saturday, November 30, 2013

Josh Romney Races to Save Car from Fiery Crash

Josh Romney, third eldest son of Mitt Romney, is home safe today after his heroic rescue of a vehicle that flew past him at a high rate of speed, crashing into the kitchen of a home in Holladay, Utah on Thanksgiving evening.

The Holladay/holiday crash is receiving widespread coverage today after Romney tweeted this message on his Twitter account:

“Was first on scene to big accident, see pic of car in the house. I lifted 4 people out to safety. All ok. Thankful — Josh Romney (@joshromney) November 29, 2013.”

The thousands of people who have seen the photo and the tweet are scratching their heads and wondering just why Romney is thankful, and more importantly, why any good Samaritan, as he is clearly holding himself out to be, would be posing in front of a vehicle resting on its side from which four victims escaped with their lives.  

Evidently, once he realized there was no imminent danger from the crash, Romney continued his spate of poor judgment by poking a little fun to relieve the tension.

“I was at the right place at the right time. However, the kitchen and the car weren't so lucky.”

The driver of the car said he could not get over how calm and collected Josh Romney was after saving his car and he (the driver) was not at all averse to allowing Romney permission to use the photo at a later date if and when he (Romney, not the driver) decided to run for President.

Raters (Romney haters) who later dismissed the tweet as nothing more than another Romney family member’s feeble attempt at grabbing attention by posting a Humblebrag, point out that there aren’t many people who could stand at the scene of such a horrific crash and smile through it.

However, as one witness to the accident so eloquently stated, “Tonight, Josh Romney was given the ability to salvage his family’s good name by saving a vehicle, something his father was never able to do during his (Mitt Romney’s) recent presidential grab.”

Monday, November 25, 2013

American Cities Allowing Pigeon Shoots for Poorest Families this Thanksgiving

Some cities hardest hit by the ever-worsening recession have come up with a way to kill two birds with one stone so to speak. They are urging the poorest of their citizens to take aim at the over abundance of pigeons soiling the cities’ sidewalks and advising them to cook the birds in place of turkeys this year for Thanksgiving.

Even though turkey prices haven’t changed much since last year and are, in fact, a bit cheaper this year, due to the reduction in benefits received by millions of families under the food stamp program beginning the 1st of this month means many families will have to forego the traditional Thanksgiving meal this year. Interestingly, the average amount an individual food stamp recipient will now receive is $11 less per month, which just happens to amount to the average price of a turkey large enough to feed a family of 4-6.

“While we should be ashamed of the fact that our poorest citizens are having to scramble to feed their families overall, let alone, provide a nice meal on Thanksgiving day,” said George Rosevelt, City Manager of Chicago, Illinois, “the fact of the matter is, the cut in the food stamp program beginning November 1st has sent a clear message to the hungry.”

“Which is?” asked a reporter from Fox News, sent to cover the story.

Rosevelt went on to explain a program he and managers from other larger cities around the country came up with when they learned of the cuts scheduled to take place in the food stamp program.

“We could not, in all good conscience, leave our poorest citizens out in the cold without some sort of coping mechanism to deploy in order to provide sustenance for their family units during one of the most revered holidays this country enjoys. While barnstorming many ideas, one city manager came up with the idea of allowing a day of squab hunting for citizens who could show a need for some type of alternative protein for the holidays.”

Rosevelt stated that other animals were mentioned in the meeting to meet a minimum in dietary guidelines according to the USDA, including squirrels, whose numbers also present a problem for most cities. However, seeing as the Thanksgiving holiday is centered around a bird, the pigeons got an immediate yes vote from an overwhelming majority of those managers in attendance.

“That, and the fact that when you mention pigeon for dinner, it sounds so awful, but fortunately, when you use the word ‘squab,’ well, it seems almost as if we are allowing poor families to dine one day out of the year like the wealthy.”

When asked if the governance of these cities could exert some pressure on Congress to reverse the cut in food stamps for the poorest, especially during the holiday season, Rosevelt replied that was never a consideration.

“You can’t fight City Hall,” he replied, using the age-old adage in a ‘turnabout is fair play’ sort of way, to indicate that even in light of the dire situation his city’s poorest face, he still has the ability to find some humor in the tragedy unfolding across America. 

Sunday, November 10, 2013

Fox News Best at Dumbing Down America

Results of a preliminary study conducted by the Institute for the Dumbing Down of America (IDDA), Fox News Group has come out way ahead of any other television network news provider as having phenomenal success in creating misinformed, less intelligent human beings over the past ten years.

According to Dr. Bo Gusfindings, “folks who have been getting their news from shows such as The Glenn Beck Show (while no longer airing on Fox, people still believe Glenn Beck to be the #1 guy to go to for news), The O’Reilly Factor, On the Record with Greta Van Susteren, and Hannity were less able to correctly answer simple third grade questions than those who got their news from alternative news sources.

One study participant, when asked if she thought global warming was a real threat stated robotically, “global warming is the biggest scam perpetuated on people.” (Points were deducted from her score for using perpetuated rather than perpetrated.) But moving on, this particular Fox News viewer then gave her reasons for why she thought global warming was a scam:

1. Right now it is so cold where I live that I can’t even go outside, and I live in Houston. Can you believe it snowed in Houston? In the winter? If snow is cold, it can’t be warm, right?

2. They say the ice at both poles is melting and making the oceans rise, but the oceans rise and fall all the time. It’s called tides.

3. Global warming people just want me to buy green products, but my favorite color is blue.

When Gusfindings was pressed as to why he thought adults who watched Fox News were becoming less intelligent, he cited several factors. “For one thing,” he said, “these viewers are being shown misinformation in the form of photos and stage props, such as blackboards and white boards, while simultaneously being told half truths and misinformation. What this does is confuse the Fox News viewer, who has to decide whether to listen to what is being told him or watch the visual aids. This type of news broadcast leads to a repressed thinking pattern caused by willing the viewer to do two things at one time.

For instance, on The Glenn Beck Show, Beck used many visual aids to get his point across such as white boards, black boards, and giant note pads on easels. In one case, while misspelling the word “Oligarhy” on a blackboard, Beck was telling his viewing audience that America was turning into an “Oligarchy” and tying it in visually with words like ACORN Style Organization, Obama and Hidden Agenda, among others. Said Gusfindings, “this is a perfect example from which to gather our information for our studies.”

After showing this particular video to the study participants, Gusfindings gave each of them a simple comprehension test to determine what they learned, and these are the results:

1. How do you spell Oligarchy? 100% answered “Oligarhy.”

2. What is a hidden agenda? 95% answered “true” that it was a practical joke played on the President by his children.

3. What is ACORN? Answers ranged from “I don’t know” to “why do they spell it with all capital letters?”

4. Who is Obama? 97% of the answers cannot be printed here, but suffice it to say that only the “N” word was spelled correctly.

In addition, Beck staged skits featuring things like dousing an actor on his show with supposed gasoline while impersonating scary things Obama might say, and then threatening to light a match to set the actor on fire. This type of subliminal thought transference leaves the viewer coming away from the images believing Obama to be a very scary and psychopathic leader who looks a lot like a white guy.

Gusfindings was asked what, if anything, can be done to reverse this unsettling trend of dumbing down America by these types of faux news channels. He had this to say, “short of tying these folks down and making them watch real news reports where a newscaster actually reports the news without injecting his or her two cents’ worth into the stories presented, and short of taking away viewers’ television sets altogether and making them actually sit down and read a newspaper, I’m afraid this trend will continue to escalate until the majority of Americans will only be able to communicate in bits and bites, and by bites, I do mean that literally.”