Paul Ryan Attacked by Pack of Angry Lemurs

Paul Ryan is back home in Wisconsin and resting comfortably after suffering an attack by a pack of angry lemurs at a Southwest Florida elementary school where Ryan was speaking last Friday. “He’s got a few nasty scratches,” said Ryan’s wife, Janna, “but doctors expect him to make a full recovery within a few weeks.”

The lemurs were being shown to a classroom of children at the same elementary school where Representative Ryan was asked to come speak to a noon assembly in the school’s cafetorium. Handlers at a nearby lemur research reserve, which houses roughly 40 lemurs, say they aren’t quite certain what got into the usually docile creatures; however, they have a theory.

“We have pretty much narrowed it down to a case of hungry lemurs that smelled some ripening bananas in the school’s lunch line,” said Kathy Mahnky, chief research assistant at the lemur facility.

“One minute all was going well,” she said. “The children were being allowed to get near the lemurs for a closer look, but then all of a sudden, without warning, they (the lemurs) took off down the hallway toward the cafetorium.” Eyewitnesses claim that at the same time the lemurs entered the cafetorium, Ryan was reaching for a bunch of ripened bananas to use in explaining his economic plan. Mahnky says that’s when the lemurs attacked.

One eyewitness, after finding out Ryan was not severely injured in the attack, remarked jokingly about what had recently occurred. “We’re taking bets that those lemurs weren’t necessarily after the fruit so much as they were most likely angry reincarnated senior citizens not happy with Ryan’s plan to do away with Social Security.”

Meanwhile, Ryan’s close advisers have advised him against using ripened fruit in any future presentations just to be on the safe side.

Romney’s Latest Sophomoric Prank Cost GOP the White House

One of Romney's many prank photo ops

It was bad enough they spent a king’s ransom on trying to get him elected, but backers of Romney are now hearing stories of how he never wanted the job in the first place and how Romney himself had to be held back on election night as he tried several times prematurely to call Barack Obama and wish him much success in his second term.

All this while Florida Governor Rick Scott was furiously using last ditch efforts to swing the state of Florida in Romney’s direction.

Romney’s son Tagg came out on Sunday in an interview with the Boston Globe and claimed that his father never really even wanted to run for President. Feeling a bit sorry for the prank, Tagg told the newspaper that his father’s running was all his (Tagg’s) fault.

“Dad’s been a prankster all his life practically (we still secretly chuckle over that hair cutting incident). When the 2012 elections were nearing, we told Dad that it would be the biggest prank of his life to make the GOP think he was a good candidate,” said Tagg.

“I can’t tell you what was said in the various meetings leading up to my dad finally deciding to go for it, but suffice it to say, some key Republicans were left in the dark about my dad’s unwillingness to actually BE President.”

Tagg says at the time it seemed like the perfect prank that brought the family closer than it had ever been before.

“We were all in on it, even Mom. She was actually enjoying herself the most,” said Tagg. “She would get up on the stage and laugh and smile and no one had a clue that she was laughing because she knew Mitt was going to throw the race, so to speak.”

Tagg says they were rolling in the aisles in the last hours leading up to the elections watching Rick Scott scramble to take away as many voting rights as he could in hopes of Romney becoming President.

The eldest Romney also let fly a little secret that photos and videos leaked to the press that depicted his father as a bit heartless were actually just the Romney family’s way of dropping little hints that no one in the family had any intention whatsoever of giving up their lavish lifestyles to live on a President’s salary.

It was a hoot,” says Tagg. “I never realized politics could be this much fun. We were having the time of our lives, except for the occasional photo ops with idiots like Meatloaf and Ted Nugent,” he said.

“We’d have a race back to the tour bus for a quick shower to wash off what we called the “red neck.”

Newt Gingrich, however, isn’t laughing.

“I knew it all along. I tried to get people to listen, to understand that Mitt Romney wasn’t the man for the job; that it was all a big joke, but would they listen? Especially Shelly (Sheldon Adelson),” said Gingrich.

“Just when I had Shelly where I wanted him, a half-million shy of paying off my Tiffany’s credit card,” here comes old Mr. Prankster being his usual self. Did he care if I could possibly end up on the wrong end of an Obama welfare plan? Not in the least,” said a furious Gingrich on Face the Nation Sunday, who didn’t hold back his palpable dislike for the former GOP Presidential Candidate.

Meanwhile, Romney’s running mate Paul Ryan, when asked, said he knew nothing of the charade.

“All I know is that when I was running for Vice President, they called my positions on certain matters wonky and they continue to call my position on the fiscal cliff wonky. I want to know where the hell the word “wonky” came from and what the hell does it mean?”

Ryan Loses it; Tells Romney to Walk Like a Man

Paul Ryan told his boss, Mitt Romney to walk like a man Friday after having had enough of watching the Mittster walk “like a baby” to and from podiums all over America. 

“You have no swagger whatsoever,” said Ryan, yelling to Mitt as he walked awkwardly toward the stage. 

“How freakin’ hard is it to get from point A to point B?” he said as he muffled a scream.

“You look like you’ve been holding it in since the elections began,” Ryan added as his exasperation with Romney exploded.

Ryan then began to walk in exaggeratedly large steps, swinging his arms up and down to prove his point. 

“Look,” he said. “Watch and learn,” as Ryan then placed his hands on his hips and did his best impression of his hero, John Wayne.

“See the difference? See it? It’s like night and day, am I right?” said Ryan in a fevered pitch.

At that point in time, one of Ryan’s closest aides sidled alongside Ryan and whispered something in his ear.

“For cripes sakes, guys…why didn’t you tell me the cameras were rolling and we actually had a crowd this time!”

Liberal Plan to Bow Out of Elections Has GOP in a Quandary

There is talk on the liberal front of actually folding up tables, picking up sticks, throwing in the towel, and calling it quits after witnessing one of the most dishonest displays of our political system at work during the RNC convention.

Martin Schlumley, a key member of the Green Party, and the man who first suggested the liberal movement give up on trying to change the way things are done in Washington, said that his point was not only driven home Wednesday night, but damn near knocked the front door in when Paul Ryan blatantly stood before America and told bold-faced, out-and-out lies about the President, his administration, and his plans for the future.

“My mom told me many things that have stuck with me throughout the years,” said Schlumley at a hastily-arranged meeting at JC’s Co-op and Homegrown Emporium in Tampa, Florida. “The most important thing she said was this ‘when the chips are down, walk away.’ Well,” said Schlumley, “we are finally ready to walk away and let the Republicans have everything.”

Asked if that isn’t a sure way to bring this country down, Schlumley asked, “And your point is?”

Meanwhile, word of the plan to bow out has some members of the GOP wondering how they will carry on if they have no one but themselves to argue with.

“We are terrible at playing devil’s advocate,” said Rudolph ‘Rudy’ Priebus, brother of Reince Priebus and co-chairman of the RNC.

“We absolutely have only one channel and without any feedback, we are doomed.”

Pundits from both camps are trying to figure out what to do next.

Rachel Maddow was as speechless as she was having just witnessed Clint Eastwood talking to an empty chair but managed to get in one comment. “Uh, so what exactly will be my role in all this?”

The move had Fox News scrambling to find someone, anyone to fight back.

“Hell, we can’t do this alone, we’ll destroy ourselves,” said Bill O’Reilly. “I can’t go on the attack if the only people I’m attacking are the people I’m supposed to be defending,” then left the room holding his head calling Schlumley’s announcement abominable and begging for a few minutes to lie down and digest the enormity of the situation.

“Hey, it’s not our fault,” said Schlumley. “We put up a good fight but we just aren’t going to keep blowing good money after bad on what? an election that is eventually going to end up just like 2000 where money and dishonesty bought a Presidency? No thank you, sir. We’re done.”

And with that, Schlumley left the room, making sure to turn off the light on his way out to conserve energy.

Could John Lennon Have Foreseen Paul Ryan While Writing Nowhere Man?

Folks just can’t stop talking about Paul Ryan’s speech last night, which, according to many, was riddled with inaccuracies and outright lies. One person, who studies prophetical writings, claims she may be able to clarify where Ryan was coming from when he told such whoppers as:

• President Obama was responsible for shutting down a GM plan in Janesville, when it was actually shut down on George Bush’s watch.

• President Obama caused the downgrade of the US credit rating when, in fact, it was the Republicans who refused to budge on raising the debt ceiling until the 11th hour that forced the hand of Standard & Poor’s to take the unprecedented step of taking away our AAA rating.

• President Obama took $716 billion dollars from the Medicare plan when, in fact, what he did was reform the way providers and hospitals are paid so as to actually put more money into the Medicare system, a plan which Ryan himself endorses.

Mary Windwalker, a Native American scholar from Eastern New Mexico University at Roswell says that she has found evidence that inextricably weaves Paul Ryan’s persona into that of the Nowhere Man character portrayed in John Lennon’s song of the same title.

“When you have someone from Fox News calling Ryan’s speech (or Ryan himself possibly) dazzling, deceiving and distracting, and then go back and look over the lyrics of John Lennon’s song, there is a strong possibility that John Lennon was a modern-day prophet who foresaw someone like Ryan actually entering the world stage at some time in the future, leading him to pen Nowhere Man," said Windwalker.

Asked if Lennon’s lyrics are more suited toward Mitt Romney and not Ryan, Windwalker replied “You certainly have a valid point there; however, what sets Romney and Ryan apart is the fact that Ryan actually does have a plan, which fits perfectly into the last line of Nowhere Man, which reads ‘Making all his nowhere plans for nobody.’”

Windwalker added, “I find it even more convincing when you consider the fact that Lennon sang the last refrain three times.”

Workshops Planned to Keep GOP Attendees Out of Adult Venues

The Republican National Convention is finally here, and lest you think it will be all business, rest assured there will be plenty of extracurricular activities on site to keep the adult ADHD delegates from wandering off into the night searching for their own brand of entertainment.

There are daily workshops planned throughout the convention covering a plethora of subjects near and dear to conservatives’ hearts from immigration reform to how to legally steal an election.

While this may not be the news the adult entertainment folks down in Tampa want to hear, it will help to stem the growth of STDs that seem to be permeating the porn industry these days, allowing delegates to spend more time at the convention and less time at the local free clinic.

“We’re killing two birds with one stone,” said top GOP adviser, Chip Hollingsworth. “We’re giving our folks some great information to take home with them while keeping them off the streets and out of the news.”

A brief slide show by Mitt Romney on his and Ann’s latest trip to the Cayman Islands is expected to be a standing room only event which will then lead into the many workshops offered that organizers hope will keep the attendees indoors.

Here is a rundown on all the workshops:

Joey Carmiglione, Bain Capital CPA – Taxes: Fuggeddaboutem

Gov Nikki Haley – Illegal Immigration Makes Me Sikh

Sen. Minority Leader Mitch McConnell – Are the Unemployed Making it Harder for You to Succeed?

Ann Coulter – Using Your Uterus to Win the Election

Paul Ryan – Rape: Get Over It Already

Rick Scott – Everything I Need to Know About Voter Suppression I Learned from Karl Rove

Marcus Bachmann, Ph.D (husband to Michele Bachmann) – Social Spending Keeping You Awake at Night? It Shouldn’t. How to Beat Insomnia.

Joe the Plumber – Plunging the Depths of Democracy

Herman Cain – Narcissism Ain’t Just the White Man’s Problem

Finishing off, Ted Nugent is slated to perform his newest song, Big Donations from the Aryan Nation.

Meanwhile, Joe Redner, owner of Mons Venus, the most popular strip club in Tampa was asked if he’s at all disappointed that the GOP has a plan to keep their delegates closer to home this year unlike past years.

“Nah,” said Joe with a smile. “While those sound like some really interesting workshops, if I know the delegates, nothing will keep them away from my Candi-dates.”

Mitt Romney Begs to Trade Places with Paul Ryan

Mitt Romney has asked the GOP to look into the possibility of trading his top spot on the Presidential ticket with his choice for Vice President, Paul Ryan.

Citing reasons such as “I don’t want to do this anymore,” and “I just found out how little the President actually earns,” as justification for his request, Romney is hoping the GOP will come up with an answer for him in enough time so that he can deliver the news at the GOP convention being held in Tampa the week of August 27, 2012.

“I had no idea campaigning for President would be so hard,” whined Romney in his letter to GOP Chairman, Reice Priebus.

“And today, I get this e-mail from Dick Cheney telling me that once I’m President, he’s gonna be in charge again so I better get used to it. I mean, who died and left him boss?”

Romney claims that once he saw how energetic Ryan was the first few days after being introduced as the Vice Presidential pick, he knew Ryan would make a much better President.

“If nothing else, I think Ryan could totally kick Cheney’s butt,” wrote Romney to Priebus. “Plus, the kid is a dynamo who actually already has a budget plan in place. I have to tell you, Reice, I was getting pretty darned tired of saying I had a budget plan just to keep the base ignited, when, in fact, I had nothing.”

“Besides that, I honestly don’t know what I stand for anymore. I thought I was for women’s rights until they kept telling me I’m not supposed to be for women’s rights. You know, that kinda put a real kink in my marriage. I was getting it from both sides,” he said.

“At least with Ryan, if he says he doesn’t give a whit about women’s rights, and his wife is ok with that, then it makes more sense for him to be saying that kinda stuff.”

In closing, Romney assured Priebus that he would be as good a Vice President as Joe Biden.

“Look, Reince, what it comes down to is this. Romney/Ryan, Ryan/Romney, in the big scheme of things neither one of us is really going to be the power behind the presidency, so please, I’m begging you, don’t make me be leader of the free world or so help me God, I’ll pull a Rick Perry on you.”

Ayn Rand, Rand Paul, Paul Ryan...Ryan O'Neal?

As we all know by now, Mitt Romney has selected Paul Ryan as his running mate. Many Republicans are coming forward and saying this is no coincidence due to Ryan's close connection to Ayn Rand, while many more are just saying "we got rooked, big time." Nevertheless, the ones who say this is no coincidence may be on to something.

Well-known cryptologist, Lynn Guist has discovered a close connection to the names Ayn Rand, Rand Paul, and Paul Ryan, which if you rearrange the name Ryan would spell Ayn R., which, of course, would spell part of Ayn Rand's name, the Ayn part being the most important because it is the most cryptic, according to the cryptologist aforementioned.

Guist claims he had to go back only to the late 60's to find a meaning for Ayn Rand, then work his way forward to the present Paul Ryan. 

"Ryan O'Neal is actually where I started my search," said Guist. "But it made no sense until I researched the names Rand Paul and Paul Ryan. At that point I finally had come full circle to Andy Warhol, whose first name also contains the name Ayn," he said while wiping a smudge from his wire-rimmed glasses. "Although for the life of me I could never figure out how the 'd' in Andy figured into the whole cryptic mess."

Asked if he researched Andy Warhol because of the fact that Warhol had done a portrait of Ayn Rand and coincidentally of Farrah Fawcett, who just happened to be the girlfriend of Ryan O'Neal, Guist replied "No. It never really crossed my mind. However," he said, "had Warhol's first name been Randy, then we'd be talking a whole different ball game, which, speaking of baseball, I wonder if Nolan Ryan, no, no, never mind," he mumbled as he walked away.

Mattress Company Introduces New Product in Anticipation of Romney/Ryan Win

Pocket Perfect Sleeper

Master Mattress Mart, the third largest mattress firm in the United States has just announced a brand new product that will serve Americans well in the unlikely event that Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan win the Presidential election in November.

It’s called the Pocket Perfect Sleeper, and it is designed with a camouflaged deep pocket sewn into the mattress. Davis Lumber, the executive vice president in charge of research and development at Pocket Perfect explains why this most important upgrade is expected to revolutionize the mattress industry.

“Well, it’s kind of a no-brainer,” said Lumber. “We have been doing our homework on both Mr. Romney and Mr. Ryan and the truth of the matter is that should they be elected, the banking industry will have a hey day with most Americans’ savings and investment accounts.”

Lumber further explained that because there is a very real possibility that unless the middle and even lower class of savers don’t do something to secure what little money they have left after the last serious drain on their retirement accounts in 2007, they will be left penniless.

“That’s where the Pocket Perfect Sleeper comes in. Once a customer gets their new mattress home, we seriously recommend they remove their money from banks and other financial institutions and place it in the sewn-in pocket in the foundation. 

“This way, when there is a run on the banks, which is very likely to happen almost immediately after Romney/Ryan take office, their money will be safely tucked in their mattresses,” he said.

Asked the question, what if Romney/Ryan don’t win? Lumber replied, “No problem. Our marketing department has already anticipated that scenario. The Pocket Perfect Sleeper will transition well marketing-wise into the Porno Pocket Perfect Sleeper.”