Trump Ends Presidential Bid Due to Medical Condition

Update: It is 5 years later and we have learned that while Donald Trump still suffers from "thin skin syndrome," he says he has taken the necessary medical precautions and is, in his words, "a leathery lethal opponent to anyone who gets in his way on his path to the Presidency."
Donald Trump announced today that he won’t be seeking the GOP nomination for President in 2012. While many speculated it was because he realized that he would have a hard time securing that nomination, even if he bought it, the truth is, he’s quitting on doctor’s orders.

Dr. Harvey Finkelstein, one of Trump’s many personal physicians, stated that his patient suffers from a severe case of thin skin. “We [Trump’s medical advisers] had initially given Donald the okay to run for President, believing he had a tough hide and could take the onslaught of slings and arrows he’d be subjected to. We were as surprised as anyone to discover just how thin Mr. Trump’s skin really is.”

Dr. Finkelstein claims that the Donald contacted him immediately following the severe roasting he received from Seth Meyers at the White House Correspondents' Dinner saying that he wasn’t sure he could take that kind of disrespect. “At the time, I advised Mr. Trump to just hang on and let things settle down, thinking that once they did, he (Donald) could go back on the offensive. Unfortunately, he never fully recovered from that vicious attack,” said the good doctor.

Those close to Trump say although he was gaining steam slowly and decided to stay in the race, the final blow came when news of Osama bin Laden’s death started hitting the airwaves. “He became so enraged, his veins started popping up and you could see them right through his skin,” said Finkelstein. “That’s when we knew that he would never be able to withstand another year and a half of the constant needling he’d be getting from not only the media, but from his own party, and we had to advise Mr. Trump to withdraw from the race for medical reasons.”

Trump’s medical staff has prescribed some physical therapy to get Trump back to the man he was before his short-lived run for public office. He has been ordered to attend live comedy shows at least once a week and sit front and center as he is assaulted with personal jokes about everything from his comb-over hairstyle to his failure as a politician.

“We were also going to insist that he appear on the Jon Stewart Show to build up his resistance,” said Dr. Finkelstein, “but, it is just too soon, and we don’t want to take any unnecessary chances with our patient’s health.”

Early Romney Voters in Ohio Asking for Do-Over after Sandy

Requests are flooding the Ohio Supervisor of Elections office in Columbus, Ohio from early voters who want their ballots stricken from the record and allowing them to cast a re-vote, this time for Barack Obama. At least 300 such requests have been received since Wednesday.

Election officials say this has never happened in the history of Ohio elections.

The person behind the drive to set the political record straight is a Republican business owner who claims he was hoodwinked into believing Mitt Romney was a leader he could count on when the chips were down.

Mark Humphries, owner of Bottoms Up, a local pub, told reporters he had a feeling when he cast his ballot early that something might happen to change his mind.

“I wasn’t even on the fence or nothing,” said Humphries, who voted the Saturday before Sandy hit the eastern seaboard.

“I mean, I really bought Romney’s spiel hook, line and sinker. I hated paying taxes…Romney said I wouldn’t have to. I was against big government…so was Romney,” said a convincing Humphries.

“I mean, I went so far as to consider contributing to his campaign,” said the disgruntled voter. “Thank goodness my wife talked me out of it and we spent it on groceries instead.”

Humphries said when that storm hit New Jersey, and reached all the way back to Columbus, he waited to see how Romney would respond.

“Oh he said all the right things…God…awful…donate…you know, he looked sincere enough. But when I saw Obama, man, I gotta tell you, he was kicking some serious disaster relief butt,” said Humphries.

Humphries said he learned that there were many more central Ohioans suffering from what one political analyst called “voter’s remorse,” and he set out to do something about it.

“I started the “Take Back the Romney Vote” movement, but from what they are telling me, no matter what I do to try and rectify the situation, I pretty much have to live with my decision.”

Humphries says there is one saving grace in all this.

“I’ve got a wife who was smart enough to realize that Obama was the guy to get the job done and she says she voted for him,” said Humphries.

“So, bottom line,” he said. “At least she cancelled out my vote. All I can do now is ask everyone I see to please, please vote for Obama.”

Dick Cheney’s Duels Not Debates Suggestion Wows NRA

Official Dueling Pistols of the 2012 Presidential Campaign

Just when you thought Dick Cheney couldn’t top himself for thinking way out of the box, he comes up with another great idea, at least in the eyes of the NRA.

On a weekend news show, Cheney announced his latest plan to make the 2012 Presidential campaign something to write home about.

“It’s called Duels not Debates,” said Cheney, “and basically it is exactly what it sounds like. Let’s get Mitt and Barack out there someplace, preferably a western location, and have ourselves an old-fashioned duel.”

Cheney poo-poohed the idea that a duel was a bit too dangerous, possibly ending in disaster for at least one of the candidates.

“Really? What about Andrew Jackson? He participated in a duel with Charles Dickinson in 1806 and ended up becoming the only President to kill a man in a duel. Oh wait, bad example,” he said with a wry smile. “Let me give you a better example.”

Cheney then went on to cite other instances where duels solved political arguments without either party suffering serious injury. Cheney claims that while dueling is an extreme form of settling issues, it is quite an effective method of spurring on agreement quicker than any debate can.

“Ask any real American what he would prefer, and I can guarantee, hands down, he’ll choose a duel over a debate any day,” said Cheney, who bases his opinion on an informal poll he took at a recent gun show in Roanoke, Virginia. He claims the men he asked gave an overwhelmingly “thumbs-up” sign to the duel.

“Back in the days when men were men, duels were the preferred method of settling political debates, so why shouldn’t we at least consider this as an option in this year’s election?”

“Uh, because someone might get killed?” asked the interviewer.

“Look,” replied Cheney, “You give me and Ted Nugent just one weekend alone in the woods with Mitt Romney, and I guarantee we’ll have us a Presidential winner, and all Obama will lose is maybe a bit of pride.”

Charlie Sheen Backing Rick Perry for President Because “He’s Smokin’ Hot”

It used to be that a person would back a Presidential candidate based on his voting record and his willingness to serve the American people. Honorable men and women would ask for your vote and in exchange, they would let you know exactly how they stand on the issues. No changing their minds. If they were for public health care or against it, you knew and that’s why you put your vote behind that person.

But today, it takes little more than a pretty face and some charming wiles to get a person’s vote—case in point, Sarah Palin. And, that same pretty-face reason is why Charlie Sheen announced last week that if Rick Perry does announce his run for the Presidency, he’s backing him all the way, vote-wise and maybe even financially, if, indeed he [Sheen] has any post-cocaine money left.

Sheen’s announcement came with little fanfare. It was broadcast on LA Access television, and for those who weren’t able to catch it, here’s what Sheen said about Perry:

“Hell yeah, I’ll vote for Rich Perry, or Rick or whatever the hell his name is. I mean, what’s in a name anyway? It’s how he looks that grabs ya, man. I mean, look at those coal black beady eyes set back in that forehead, and that sun-damaged face, ya gotta go for the man, cause even after all that sun damage, he still looks faboo. I hear it is really hot in Texas right now. Is it? The point is that no matter whether bear season is upon us or that green polka-dots definitely don’t do pink any justice, speaking of justice, which there definitely isn’t any when it comes to Wahini bikinis, Rich Perry is smokin’ hot and I’m voting for him.”

Charlie’s handlers were extremely proud of him after the announcement. Said Drew Pugmore, his personal assistant, “Hell, we could care less he’s found a person to vote for or even who that person is. What is important is that for the first time in I can’t tell you how long, Charlie started a thought and instead of rambling on aimlessly until we had to wipe drool from his chin, he came back to that original thought. That’s progress, man, real progress. Way to go, Charlie.”

Palin Has No Intention of Running for President in 2012

A disgruntled former aid to Sarah Palin claims that he has first-hand knowledge that Palin has absolutely no intention of actually running for President in 2012. He claims that she’s playing the Tea Partiers like a fine-tuned fiddle.

“The truth is,” says Ben Thair, “if the GOP made an announcement today they were going to forego the formalities and just hand the nomination to Sarah, she’d run so fast she’d leave track marks.”

Thair worked under Sarah Palin in the days when she governed the State of Alaska and continued as the assistant to her chief assistant well into the days when she was chosen to be John McCain’s running mate. “I can tell you the precise moment I knew that Sarah Palin wasn’t going to seriously run for any government office,” Thair said.

“It’s when they took her shopping for the first time and she and her kids had the run of the store. All that money flowing through her hands made her realize that just the mention of running for office can get you more money than actually holding that office, depending, of course, on who you are.”

Thair was asked, then, why he thinks Palin is being so cagey about whether or not she will be seeking the nomination in 2012. He answered with a question of his own. “How much money do you think all those Tea Party followers would throw at Sarah whether it’s a contribution to her PAC fund or buying one of her books if they thought she was just in it for the money and had absolutely no intention of running for President?”

“Personally,” Thair concluded, “I’d love to see the GOP give Sarah the presidential nod as their number one candidate. We’d see whether she was willing to give up her millions in endorsements for a paltry $400,000 annual government salary. I’d lay odds she’d run alright, run like hell.”

Bush/Cheney 2012 – The Next Generation

Dick Cheney is said to be planning a not-so-surprise comeback for the 2012 presidential election and he’s doing it this time vicariously through his daughter, Liz Cheney. Due to his dissatisfaction with the way the conservative party has so far been running (or not running) things, Cheney has again decided that the only way to get things back on track is to re-infuse some pure Cheney/Bush blood into the race.

Although Dick feels that he and George W. Bush were perhaps the most ideally paired Presidential team since, well, ever, and there will never be another like them, which we certainly can’t argue with; and, as much as he would like to take the reins himself, he’s just not that sure about his health and that is ultimately what is keeping him from running.

Yes, the die-hard, irrepressible Mr. Cheney has a new plan of action that he’s working on worming into the Republican psyche little by little. We’re talking about the plan to offer up his daughter, Liz Cheney, to run as Vice President to Jeb Bush’s run for President. Can’t you just feel that Dick genius starting to move the masses again?

While Dick is trotting Liz Cheney out to every conservative gathering hosted by everyone from the NRA to the Republican Party itself, Daddy George H.W. Bush, at Dick’s command, is pushing Jeb onto the cable news shows with a full schedule of the old fake-out “no, nope, I’m not running,” so that when the time comes, conservatives everywhere will be begging him to run.

There may be a couple of things that could nip this pairing in the bud before it even happens, though. Word has it that Jeb and Liz aren’t that fond of one other ever since they got in each other’s face way back when at a Kennebunkport gathering, when Jeb, quite a bit older than Liz, told her to “quit following me around like a puppy dog.” “Since then, they find it difficult to be in the same room together, let alone even consider a presidential pairing,” claims an unidentified source.

So how, then, do Dick and H.W. plan on pulling off this shotgun presidential campaign? Some say Dick has his ways. “He’s not above torture, if that’s what it takes to make those kids see how important this is for the country,” said the same source, wishing with all his heart not to be identified.

While he may not sink so low as to waterboard his own daughter, which she would totally approve of, by the way, he could threaten her and Jeb by other means. Suffice it to say, he has the mindset and the wherewithal to get the job done.