Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Colorado Governor and Wife Separated Over Family Name

Colorado Governor John Hickenlooper and his wife, Helen Thorpe, have decided to separate citing personal reasons.

According to sources close to the couple, the real reason the first family decided to part ways was because Thorpe refused to take Hickenlooper’s name. It was reported that not only did she have a hard time saying it without snickering, but so did her friends, creating quite a scene at social events.

“Helen tried, she really did,” claims a very close family friend, “but the latest event she attended caused her so much embarrassment that she finally told John she couldn’t take it anymore.” 

Evidently, the placard at the front of the event at the local Ritz-Carlton billed the event as being hosted by Governor and Mrs. John Hooperpooper, a typographical error that some claim was intentional.

Nevertheless, the Hooperpooper name has now stuck and Mrs. Thorpe, er, Hickenlooper, er Helen Thorpe cannot go anyplace in town without people whispering behind her back.

“I’d gladly change my name if John would shorten his,” said Thorpe at a recent press conference. “I merely ask that he change his name to Hooper so we can then hyphenate it, becoming Governor and Mrs. Hooper-Thorpe.”

Mrs. Thorpe, er, Hickendorfer, er Horpenthooper, oh….nevermind.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Ralph Lauren Apologizes to Mitt Romney for Chinese-Made Yarmulke

Ralph Lauren has found himself in another tight spot this weekend when it was revealed that the yarmulkes he designed for Romney’s visit to Israel were also made in China. A quick apology was issued when news of the non-kosher yarmulkes was leaked to the media . 

Lauren had already left to take a short Sabbatical after it was revealed that the uniforms he designed for the 2012 Olympics were shipped out to China for manufacture. But, no sooner had the controversy died down over that news when a member of the Chinese gymnastics team—whose cousin actually works for one of the Chinese sweatshops where the Lauren line is manufactured and makes less than $1 a day in wages—made the claim about Team Romney’s yarmulkes.

The claims have yet to be substantiated due to the fact that the Chinese government has removed the gymnast from the competition in order to keep the matter from becoming yet another embarrassment for remaining American businessmen who also have their products made at that sweatshop.

Meanwhile, Sylvia Goldschmidt from Brooklyn was flabbergasted when she heard the news. “Ralphie Lipschitz was raised a nice Jewish boy and he knows the meaning of kosher,” she said. “But when he changed his name to Ralph Lauren, oy vey, he thinks he’s some kinda hot. Now he makes his money dishonestly with the schlock he’s selling to Americans.”

When reached for comment, Romney accepted Lauren’s apology and went straight to blaming the leak on the Obama campaign.

“This is exactly what I’ve been talking about,” said Romney as he touched down in Israel for his private meeting with Jewish financial leaders. 

“My good friend, Mr. Lauren has found a way to increase his margin of profit by shipping jobs overseas and everyone seems to think it is a bad thing. Meanwhile, I’m kind of regretting the fact that I didn’t buy Lauren’s stock when my broker advised me to."
"I mean, anyone who can make yarmulkes for $3 bucks apiece and sell them to us for $60 each has cornered the market on schmaltz,” said Romney, using the opportunity to practice his Yiddish slang before meeting the real deal.

Romney said he is happy for this opportunity to finally drive his point home about capitalism and the importance of shipping jobs overseas.

“Yeah, my yarmulke is made in China. But guess what? My suit was made in Indonesia and my undershorts were made in Mexico. Now can we talk about my foreign relations expertise?”

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Steroid Use Gets Satirist Banned from Covering 2012 Olympics

Johnny B. Rotten, a writer who makes his living making fun of the people who make the world an interesting place to live, has officially been banned from covering the 2012 Olympic Games in London. Rotten is accused of illegal use of steroids while penning some articles leading up to the games.

“He is completely out of his mind when he’s on steroids,” claims one writer who, before now, had nothing but the utmost respect for one of the best satirists in America. 

“His sense of humor is spot on,” said Weldon Moron, a writer for the online magazine Laughin’ Times. “There is no one I know who can squeeze the irony out of a situation like Johnny can, but when he’s on the juice, watch out. No one in his path is safe from the slings and arrows he slings, or whatever--you know what I mean.”

Among the more egregious things Rotten wrote to get himself banned from writing satire on the Olympics are:

Calling the entire women’s volleyball team a bunch of used up beach sluts, a move Rotten himself admits was totally unnecessary and not all that funny now that he looks back on the story; and

Bringing back the entire Michael Phelps bong controversy, a story which Rotten believes isn’t all that ironic anyway considering how many other satirists have done the same thing while not even under the influence of steroids. 

“Hey,” claims Rotten, “I write satire. What kind of writer would I be if I let these stupid lapses in judgment just slide?”

Still, when asked if he thought it was worth a few chuckles to get himself banned, Rotten answered, “Absolutely. Just about anything in my line of work is fair game. But,” he added, “I forgot that those idiots on the Olympic Committee don’t have a sense of humor. That, and the steroids is what tripped me up big time.”

This isn’t Rotten’s first run in with covering sporting events and being denied a press pass due to steroids. 

“I’m the one who put the bug in Roseanne’s ear to spit and scratch herself at the end of singing the National Anthem back in the 90’s. What a great bit of satire that was,” said Rotten, chuckling. 

“Too bad the people watching it didn’t see it the way me and Rosie did.” [It was later revealed that both Rotten and Roseanne were high on steroids when developing the National Anthem bit.] 

“Actually, still makes me laugh when I see it, but again, those sports people just aren’t endowed with much of a sense of humor.” [Note to self—do story on poorly endowed sports figures].

Rotten has filed an appeal with the Olympic Board, but is doubtful a decision will be handed down before the end of the Olympics. In the meantime, he says he’ll go back to LA and write crap for Celebitchy and Perez Hilton’s Blog.  

“Sure, it’s the bottom of the heap, but those people at least have a sense of humor and don’t care how the hell I come up with my material or what I’m on when I’m writing it as long as I make a deadline.”

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Commoners Tell Romneys ‘Screw You and the Dressage Horse You Rode in On’

While the financially elite in London are said to be looking forward to showing Mitt and Ann Romney a jolly good time in London this week, the majority of ordinary Londoners would be just as happy to see the Romneys go elsewhere for what is deceptively being billed as ‘Mitt Romney’s first foreign tour of his candidacy.”

“Screw ‘em and the dressage ‘orse they rode in on,” said Edna Swanscot, a volunteer at the London Olympics, who is primarily in charge of mucking the horse stalls, including the one where Ann Romney’s horse, Refalca, will be stabled during the dressage event. 

“Betcha I ain’t gonna get to shake ‘ands with that rotter and ‘e’s wife, even if I clean me ‘ands on me apron first,” she said.

Swanscot’s husband, Earl, agreed “Thems ain’t ‘ere to rub elbows with the likes of us, I’ll say that much. Rather, the wifey’s ‘ere to show off ‘er fancy ‘orse, and ‘er ‘usband’s ‘ere to meet up widdem scoundrels wots from them crooked banks, ‘e is.”

Anticipating the next question, Earl then concluded “Yeah, I realize I ain’t pronouncing my effin’ aiches. It’s you Americans ‘oo want the ‘ole British reality thing, now innit?”

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Mark Zuckerberg Begs Businesses to Quit Giving Him Free Stuff

Ever since Mark Zuckerberg joined the ranks of the uber rich, he’s been receiving free offers from businesses across the economic spectrum. From free Crazy Combos® for life from Little Caesars to brand new top-of-the-line stainless steel appliances for his kitchen, Zuckerberg can’t seem to stop the flow of free merchandise to his home.

The latest bargain Zuckerberg received was a sweet financing deal from his bank--a 1.05% refinancing rate on the mortgage for his home in Palo Alto, California. While many Americans are struggling to get a half-way decent refinancing rate just in order to keep their homes out of foreclosure, Zuckerberg is the recipient of one of the lowest rates ever to be given to a homeowner. But the refinance rate and all the other goodies he’s received do not come without a hefty price.

Zuckerberg has been receiving threatening calls on his cell phone that have left him and his wife a bit baffled and bewildered. Many of us would believe the phone calls are coming from poor people who are sick and tired of being charged premium rates while the rich get away with record low deals, but that couldn’t be further from the truth.

In actuality, the calls are coming from some of the richest people in the country. Evidently, Zuckerberg is the victim of ‘free luxury-item envy,’ a very real occurrence in the wealthiest of circles. News of the low interest rate (possibly the lowest to ever be offered to a rich guy) has other business magnates green with envy.

Upon hearing the news of the record low rate Zuckerberg received, Donald Trump, who has never been offered an interest rate lower than 2.875% in all the years he’s been buying up real estate, was said to be furious. 

“Since when does some little startup punk get a better interest rate than me?” asked Trump when told of Zuckerberg’s good fortune. But when he realized the refinance rate was adjustable, Trump settled down. 

“Well, then, why didn’t you say so in the first place? That’s a whole different story,” said Trump, who claims he’s locked in at 3.75% on most of his properties. 

“Don’t look at me like I’m an idiot,” said Trump. “It’s a fixed rate. Thirty-year fixed. Just wait’ll the interest rates start climbing again. Then we’ll see who’s the smart guy.”

Meanwhile, Zuckerberg can’t take it, or in this case, receive it, anymore and is begging the businesses to please stop sending him free stuff. 

“You are going to get me killed,” Zuckerberg was overheard telling an Aston Martin dealer in Palo Alto after offering him (Zuckerberg) a vintage automobile worth a small fortune, free of charge, no strings attached.  Zuckerberg’s Japanese gardener, who has yet to convince Zuckerberg he doesn’t want any pay for the work he does at Zuckerberg’s estate, claims he overhears a lot of the phone calls and believes that Zuckerberg is, indeed, scared to answer the phone anymore.

“He told me right after he got the mortgage reduced, he said ‘Kim Lee, you don’t know how hard it is being rich.’ I told him ‘Yes, Mr. Z, maybe not, but if you want me to take your place, you just ask, boss.  I’ll do it for nothing.’”

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Epitome of Lazy

Iguassu Falls Slideshow

The above link has nothing to do with satire. It is neither sarcastic nor is it funny. It is, however, proof of just how lazy the owner of this blog is.

I know how to embed "share" buttons on my blogs. I did it on this blog. I just forgot how I did it. I have another blog called SouthernBrazil.blogspot.com. I could have taken the time to add a share feature to that blog, so that I could have uploaded and shared this slideshow with the world, but honestly, I've not the time nor the inclination right now.

So, fair warning. This is a slideshow of a beautiful place. It is not satire. Deal with it until I get it all sorted.

Thanks for your patience...obviously, I have none.


Thursday, July 19, 2012

Medical Expert Says Moldy Bible Likely Source of Michele Bachmann’s Insane Outbursts

As the calls continue to mount for Michele Bachmann to apologize for attacking a top aide to Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, the former Republican candidate for President says she stands firm in her belief that people with ties to a Muslim extremist group are infiltrating the uppermost levels of government.

Last week, Michele Bachmann and four of her conservative counterparts sent letters to intelligence and security officers claiming members of the Muslim Brotherhood could be infiltrating top levels of the government as we speak. In particular, Bachmann named Hillary Clinton’s deputy chief of staff, Huma Abedin, as having ties with the terrorist organization through her family.

Top Republican leaders, including John McCain and John Boehner, have come forward to criticize Bachmann for the remarks, calling them irresponsible and ignorant, but to no avail. Other critics are less kind, calling Bachmann downright ‘batshit’ crazy.

However, a chief medical expert from Johns Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore, Maryland claims that Bachmann may not be responsible for her actions. David Barthmore, a chief pathologist at Johns Hopkins, claims that mold may be the culprit in Bachmann’s erratic behavior.

“I have been studying Michele Bachmann’s behavior for quite some time now. In the beginning, Representative Bachmann merely appeared to be somewhat outspoken and, forgive me…bitchy,” said Barthmore.

“I chalked it up to nothing more than hormonal changes,” he said.

“However, the recent attacks by Rep. Bachmann seem to border on the insane, or at the very least, appear to be hysterical in context. This leads me to believe that something in her possession must be responsible for making her this way.”

Barthmore says he read somewhere that Rep. Bachmann carries an old Bible with her everywhere she goes. If the Bible is, indeed, as old as has been related, then Barthmore claims this ancient religious tome is the most likely source of Bachmann’s insane behavior.

In fact, Bartmore says it could explain quite a lot about the ratcheting of religious fervor in this country as a whole in the past few years.

“My specialty is mold and mildew-related disease,” said Barthmore. “I started to suspect a connection between moldy old Bibles and mental illness at my own church when our organist began playing ragtime dance tunes in the middle of the sermon. Her name was Mildred Ferguson, and a milder-mannered woman you’d never want to meet. But when she picked up her old Bible to read along with Pastor Walker, she’d just lose it,” said Barthmore.

“She’d drop the Bible and start playing a Scott Joplin rag. It would take a good fifteen minutes or so to get her to stop and the only way to bring her out of it was to separate her from that Bible.”

Barthmore is almost certain that a combination of mold and mildew growth on Bachmann’s Bible is what is causing her to become unstable.

“My advice to Michele Bachmann is to wrap her old Bible in plastic and put it away someplace where it won’t affect her,” said Barthmore, when asked to come up with a solution.

“Ms. Bachmann, spend a few shekels and get yourself a new Bible. And,” he added, “take a few weeks off to read it. Seems to me you could use a refresher course in being a good Christian.”

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Rahm Emanuel Skips Bohemian Grove to Attend Comic-Con

The world may, indeed, be coming to an end with news that Chicago Mayor, Rahm Emanuel, has decided this year to skip his annual trip to the secretive Bohemian Grove to attend Comic-Con 2012 in San Diego.

“I couldn’t miss the opportunity to dress up as my favorite character—the Joker—and meet all my favorite actors,” said an enthusiastic Emanuel outside the San Diego Convention Center.

“Besides, they have babes at the convention. Who wants to dance around a fire and urinate in the woods when I can see half-naked wonder women at Comic-Con?”

IRS Admits Culpability in Mitt Romney Tax Return Controversy

Rumors are circulating that the IRS is contemplating an audit of Mitt Romney’s tax returns for the years 2002 to present, a full 10 year’s worth of returns. A spokesperson for the IRS claims that Romney’s staunch refusal to provide the returns in order to clear up misconceptions about his business dealings over the past few years has finally raised a red flag for federal auditors.

“Things were going just hunky dory,” said assistant chief auditor, Cyrus Farkner. “Mr. Romney wasn’t doing anything different from other wealthy businessmen. Sure, we were keeping an eye on him, and we occasionally tried to connect the dots on Mr. Romney’s business dealings over the years, but we never really had a reason to audit him, until now.

Farkner says that now, however, the heat is on and unless the IRS wants to appear stupid, they must take the necessary steps to keep the taxpayers happy.

“We realize that the tax code is to blame in all this,” said Farkner.

“We provided Mr. Romney with tax shelters, legal loopholes, and the ability to ship a large portion of his wealth to offshore interests, but there comes a time when we have to ‘fess up and realize, we did wrong, and we need to make it right.”

The only way to do that, claims Farkner, is to audit Romney and get the whole thing out in the open where it can be analyzed, picked apart, and scrutinized by the media.

“We just want to say to Mr. Romney that we apologize for any inconvenience this may cause. And we assure him that we will move this along as quickly as possible so that he can get back to his campaign for President unfettered...unless, of course, we find anything out of the ordinary.”

‘Smart’ Chewing Gum Could Put America on Top in Education

A new startup company by the name of PharmaPend is in the business of seeking out passed over and forgotten scientific patent filings and developing them into name-brand products. The bulk of their treasure lies in the US. Patent Office where they claim that 95-99% of patents filed by universities never see the light of day.

The founders of the company believe that one such discovery may soon allow America to take over the number one spot in the world in education from its fierce rival, China. A patent for ‘smart’ chewing gum has not only been found, but the formula has been developed into a usable product that is now being tested on a select group of private school students in Hanover, Maryland.

“We’re not really sure how the gum works,” said Camden Goldegger, co-founder of PharmaPend, “but we have some of the best scientific minds in the business developing this particular brand of gum and we’re basically down to just throwing it against the wall to see if it sticks.” 

Goldegger says he has tried the gum and, although he possesses an average IQ, claims he actually felt himself getting smarter as he chewed. “For the first time, I was able to outsmart my Smartphone,” he said.

“I’m not sure I can explain it in terms the average person would understand,” said Goldegger. “I guess you’d have to chew a stick yourself to understand how I came up with my evaluation of the gum.”

If preliminary tests are any indication—students who have chewed the gum a half hour before testing have received perfect scores on Math, English, and Science tests—it could mean that soon America will be on top in terms of educational rankings in the world, a feat never before realized in modern times.

Asked if the gum is safe or if there are any side-effects, Goldegger was quick to answer. 

“You know, come to think of it, I did develop a burning rash on my scalp while chewing the gum, and I had difficulty swallowing for about a half hour after the gum lost its fresh minty taste, but honestly, that is a small price to pay for educational exceptionalism,” he said. 

Goldegger was also asked if the gum had a lasting effect on a student’s intelligence or if it merely made a person smart for the amount of time the chemical compound remained in a person’s system.

He replied, “We don’t really know, nor does it make much difference so long as we are able to look and act intelligent when necessary.” Then added, “But if anyone can come up with a better solution for solving our nation’s decline in educational standards without the use of this gum, I’m all ears.” 

In a related story, PharmaPend is working on a new medication called the ‘Perception Pill’ which, according to the description filed with the patent, is capable of changing the perceptions of anyone who takes the pill so that their reality is temporarily modified to believe just about anything suggested. Coupled with the ‘smart’ chewing gum, these two compounds could undoubtedly change the way Americans are perceived on the World Stage forever.

Friday, July 13, 2012

Photos of Mitt Romney in Tea Bag Swimsuit Emerge

Less than a week after Mitt Romney and his family returned from vacation in New Hampshire, photos have begun emerging showing a relaxed Mittster soaking up the sun on the shores of Lake Winnipesaukee. His choice of sunbathing attire? A tiny blue Speedo.

Folks in the Romney camp are working overtime trying to figure out how the photos got leaked to the press. But Mitt, himself, seems ok with the leakage of information.

“Hell, I’m pretty damned fit for a man my age. I wear my Speedos as a badge of honor,” said Romney (off the record, of course).

Rumor has it that the photos are selling for thousands of dollars and that Russian President, Vladimir Putin, has bought several for his Speedo photo collection. 

“I can totally relate with Mr. Romney,” said Putin. “I, myself, love the smell and feel of spandex, and applaud any man for having the balls to wear a tight-fitting bathing suit.”

Unfortunately, the above quote was ultimately attributed to a morning drive radio show host from Chicago who thought the whole idea of Putin being a fan of men in Speedos was funny. He admitted that it was a hoax and that he just wanted to see if he could pull off the accent. 

Vladimir Putin, it turns out, does not have an affinity for men in Speedos or Mitt Romney.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Bohemian Grove Gathering to Include Makeovers and Pillow Fights

The secret is out. This weekend the most powerful and influential men in the country will gather in secrecy (well, before everyone knew about it) in an encampment located in Monte Rio, California to embrace their ability to do, say, and eat anything they desire. To, in effect, act out their most basal desires without fear of retribution from the outside world.

While drum circles, sadistic rituals, and pissing contests are a given on the agenda, this year the guys have decided to add some new activities that will surely appeal to the feminine side of some of the attendees. 

“This weekend has always been about letting go of our inhibitions and doing unmentionable things we could never get away with in public,” said Bartholomew Hollingsworth, one of the hosts of the Bohemian Grove gathering. 

“This weekend, we are really pushing the envelope and including activities for the members of our group who want to embrace their feminine side but are hesitant to do so for fear of facing public scrutiny.” 

The new activities will include fashion and cosmetic makeovers, body painting, mud bathing and, when the sun sets, pillow fights. Up until this year, all of the activities planned were centered around men and their masculinity. Dog fights, hazing rituals including red-hot pokers and bloodletting were, and still are, practiced, but some of the members began to feel left out. 

“I wanted so much to fit in,” said Reginald Berringer, a billionaire from Round Hill, North Greenwich, Connecticut, “but I just fainted at the sight of blood, and, while the theatre presentations left me breathless, I couldn’t really get into some of the subjects. I would retire early when they began showing old Chuck Norris films,” he said wistfully.

Berringer says he finally realized that if something didn’t change, he wouldn’t be participating in future events. Hollingsworth heard those complaints loud and clear and this year decided to do something about it. 

“We’ve hired some of the best make-up artists and fashion stylists in the country to come in on our dime and give our guests complete makeovers. They will bring with them some of the most beautiful gowns Hollywood has ever seen, and we’ll give those guys whatever they need to make them feel like they are getting the royal treatment,” said Hollingsworth. 

“And then, when the sun goes down and we have drank our last drop of blood from the goblets, we’ve decided a good old-fashioned pillow fight might just be the perfect ending to a perfect day of camaraderie,” he added. 

“After all, this is our weekend to let our hair down, howl at the moon, and allow ourselves the freedoms we can’t possibly condone in the real world,” said Hollingsworth.

“Yes, the times they are a changing,” chimed in co-host Frederick du Champs. 

“Thank goodness this year we’ve done away with the jello wrestling and replaced it with some much-needed microdermabrasions.”

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Republicans Not Sure Which Grover to Follow, Norquist or the Muppet

Republican lawmakers were pretty much gung ho these past couple of years to sign the Taxpayer Protection Pledge penned by Conservative Lobbyist, Grover Norquist. The pledge essentially requires a no vote on any tax increase, especially on the wealthiest of taxpayers.

However, with elections now just four short months away, many Republican lawmakers are re-thinking their allegiance to the no-tax commander-in-chief, are dropping off the Grover Norquist band wagon and hopping into bed with Grover the Muppet. (Not literally, of course, although there have been rumors that former Minnesota Senator, Larry Craig does have quite an obsession with the Muppet Show.)

A spokesperson for the group trying to decide which Grover to follow claims they are at a crossroads. Jerry Lindorfer, chief publicist for “Undecided Republican Boomers (URB)” says that some of the older, extremely conservative members, as well as the new Tea Party lawmakers, definitely remain loyal followers of Norquist. But now, quite a few others have retained their sense of humor and love of freedoms, and are leaning toward Grover, the Muppet.

“The Muppet followers are converted conservatives who grew up watching Sesame Street, as well as The Muppet Show. In fact, the majority of them watched The Muppet Show in college as a goof while getting high. Once they realized they needed jobs that required them to settle down, they began to lose interest in the character Grover and actually became more like Oscar the Grouch,” said Lindorfer.

But lately, Lindorfer says, the latter group is becoming so fed up with politics that they are returning to the fold and realizing the only thing Grover Norquist seems to offer these days is conflict, while Grover, the Muppet offers a freedom they’ve not felt in decades.

And then there are the constituents. More and more Republicans have given up on trying to get their elected officials to work toward any resolution of America’s problems and get the middle class back on its feet.

“Neither the lawmakers nor their constituents are buying into the whole ‘we deserve to be in the top 1% in this country’ anymore, and, in fact, are tired of having everything they want and need. They are consistently asking ‘what is the sense of having money if you can’t do anything fun with it?’”

In fact, it is the Muppet side that decided on what to name themselves. “Sound it out,” said Lindorfer. “Sounds like herb. Just an inside joke that probably no one but they get, but to them, it is so much more. It takes them to a better place where they can re-live their carefree youth,” he said.

“Sure, no Republican Congressman would ever think of voting for any of Barack Obama’s initiatives. But at the same time, by following Grover, the Muppet, they can skip all the controversial tax votes without feeling the pressure that Grover Norquist has been exerting over them. And, hopefully, that is going to make a huge difference come election time in November.”

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Mystery Solved! Chief Justice John Roberts Has a Conscience After All

As the pundits go crazy trying to figure out just what made a very conservative Supreme Court Justice place a very un-conservative decision into President Obama’s lap, one man thinks he may have the answer.

Mark Drager, Chief Psychologist at the Markham College of Psychiatry in Durham, North Carolina, had this to say on MSNBC late Tuesday evening, “Judge Roberts obviously has developed a conscience.”

Manifesting a conscience where none seemed to exist, especially later in life, is extremely rare according to Drager.

“Usually, you are either born with one, or you aren’t, but developing a conscience in the true sense of the word, i.e. having the ability to feel empathy toward your fellow human beings and understanding the implications in order to do good in the world is so rare that before this ruling, we never even had an inkling it could be accomplished.”

Roberts is on his way to Malta for some much needed privacy. Sources close to the Chief Justice claim that the whole flip-flop thing has him as baffled as everyone else.

“From what I understand,” said David Arnett, one of the justice’s law clerks, “Judge Roberts was so confused that at one point he had me writing rulings both for the mandate and against the mandate, saying he’d figure out which one sounded better to him before the official decision was due.”

No one was more surprised to hear Roberts’ ruling than his wife, Jane Sullivan, who claims that when her husband got up in the morning to go into work, he didn’t change his routine a bit.

“Nothing was amiss to indicate that Johnny was going to do anything other than what we’d talked about, i.e. striking down Obamacare,” she said.

“I asked him about the ruling, how it was going to go, and smiled that knowing smile because we’d always known it was his intention to kill the law,” said Sullivan.

“If I didn’t know better,” she concluded, “I’d almost think that the aliens have finally landed and somewhere out there is my real husband. Either that, or he’s taken up playing with Etch-a-Sketches too.”

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Travelers Head to Florida to Escape Heat

Travelers all over the United States are heading to Florida in droves to escape the heat wave that is gripping the country. Hotels and motels are filling up fast, and the influx is expected to last throughout the next week to ten days.

“Lots of them are coming in from the scorched Southwest states of Arizona, Colorado and New Mexico,” said Florida’s tourist supervisor, Chuck Sandrock, who is in charge of keeping track of vacation trends. “We’ve now gone from snowbirds to firebirds, and there seems to be no let up in sight.”

In addition to the heat, it appears that incredibly strong storms known as straight-line storms are popping up everywhere except Florida, making Florida a much safer option for a week from the trauma of bad weather.

“We have the beaches surrounding us, which is a plus,” said Sandrock. "It seems the heat is sucking all the moisture out of the Gulf, making it actually safer to be in and around the Florida peninsula than anywhere else in America right now.”

Unfortunately, because of the sudden change in summer vacation plans, tempers are heating up at the airports. With airlines and car rental agencies over-booking services, it is quite possible that Florida will soon join the other states in increased heat-related deaths.