Thursday, December 29, 2016

How the Trump Stole America


Politics in America had suffered a blow
Americans were fed up with the status quo
Obama did what he could with what given
The red states were mad, they were hellbent and driven

Give us a new leader, give us fresh meat
A guy who knows how to make money and tweet
That's all that they needed, no more and no less
Could that guy be found? It was anyone's guess

Then out from a rock came an orange-shaded man
Whose hair was combed over, his body fake tan

Republicans fell one by one in debate
to his promise of making America great

When down to two choices, the people did cry
Why hadn't we chosen the blue Birdie guy
The choices were pared down--one lady, one man
A woman with balls 'gainst a guy with small hands.

The voters had spoken, and held out the hope
That electors would wise up and see through this joke
There were no more chances, the election was over
America faced a Trump White House Takeover

The folks who had voted the Charlatan in
Didn't know what they bargained for letting Trump win
I'll stop social programs, you'll have nowhere to go
for your handouts, your food stamps, your government dole

Your paydays will dwindle, You'll beg for my mercy
Especially Chris Christie and his goons in New Jersey.
Latinos, and Muslims, and foreigners all
I'll send you a packin' and I'll build a wall

I'll think up new taxes, new tariffs and fees,
Until it's not profitable for the Chinese.
I'll rape the land and cut down all your trees,
Why I'll even deplete all the birds and the bees

Then the President laughed, yes he laughed till he cried
He looked in the camera with a face full of snide.
I told you I’d do it, I said I would win
You fell for my lies and my fakey false grin

No longer will this be a government for all
My mission's to watch your democracy fall
He finished his tirade by blowing a kiss and said
Thanks for the votes, now you all are dismissed.


©P. Beckert 2016

Sunday, December 18, 2016

HUMOR TIMES NOW HAS A NEW APP FOR ANDROIDS AND IT'S FREE! Check it out at the link below. App for iPhones will be up soon as well.

http://www.humortimes.com/humor-times-app-news-cartoons/

Christmas Light De-tangling Contest Erupts in Violence


Holy Smokes, VA – The first annual Christmas lights de-tangling contest held at the local BPOE lodge was interrupted late in the evening when one of the contestants, Harvey Smith, pulled a gun on fellow contestant, John Houdini, accusing him of having a special knack for untying knots, and thereby giving him an unfair advantage.

Nerves were already jangled when the contest, slated to run two hours, was going into the fifth hour with little less than half the Christmas lights untangled. “The lights were in an awful mess,” said Thomas “Tank” Upshaw, Highest Grand Poobah of the Grandest Lodge in Holy Smokes. “We had the wives in last year to help take down all of the town Christmas lights and decorations and true to form, before anyone could stop them, they had just wadded the lights up in a ball and threw them into a bunch of Hefty lawn and leaf garbage bags. We just figured we could untangle them in plenty of time before the next holiday season rolled around. I guess the time just got away from us, so we came up with the plan to hold a de-tangling contest.”

First prize was a quarter-side of beef from Holy Smokes Butcher Shop. Needless to say, competition was pretty fierce and the fellas were in rare form, cajoling each other and pulling some pretty nasty pranks to get their fellow Elks from winning that prize.

About a two and a half hours into the de-tangling contest, a few of the lodge members had to drop out of the contest, showing outward signs of stress such as muttering expletives and developing nervous facial tics. One contestant, Dale Pistoff, was physically shaking and swearing he was gonna kill his wife when he got home. Several lodge members took him over to the bar and gave him a couple of shots of Old Turkey and were able to get him to calm down enough to promise there wouldn’t be any killing at his house that night.

Just when they got Dale calmed down, someone yelled “put that gun down!” The Grandest Big Old Grand Poobah, Dickie Smurtz, rushed at Harvey Smith, who was pointing a double-barrel shotgun at Houdini. “He’s gonna win this damn contest cause he can get those knots untied quicker than anyone here and we all know it,” said Smith, obviously suffering from severe stress brought on by working on the same knot for more than a half hour. Smith had lost control, got up from the tangled mess and went out to his truck to get his shotgun muttering that was the last knot Houdini was gonna untie.

Smurtz got to Smith just as he was pulling the trigger and caught Smiths’ arm, aiming the shotgun for the roof. “That buckshot sprayed all over the brand new drop down ceiling tiles we just paid $800 to install,” said Smurtz. Luckily, no one was hurt, but the ceiling took a direct hit.

Next thing you know, the cops are hauling Smith off in handcuffs, and the whole Lodge erupted into laughter. Seems when Smith turned around to be led out, his foot got tangled in some lights lying on the floor and he was dragging the whole mess outside with him.

When asked the next day what he thought about all this, the Grandest Big Old Grand Poobah, Dickie, smiled and said, “Well, we now know that a man’s breaking point comes after about five and a half hours of de-tangling Christmas lights. We’ve decided to give up on the whole mess and pass it over to the local Optimists Club, along with the quarter-side of beef. Hopefully, they’ve got what it takes to get the job done in time for Christmas.”

Monday, October 17, 2016

Condom Sales Skyrocket Ahead of Third Presidential Debate

By now, everyone who isn't holed up under a rock, or hiding out on a deserted island with no phones, no lights, no motorcars (or tvs) has heard about the sexual indiscretions of one Donald "the Donald" Trump. This has led to a somewhat inexplicable spike in condom sales ahead of the third and final debate between Trump and Clinton. Americans will be tuning in not to hear a grown-up discussion about the issues facing our nation today, but instead will be witness to another tawdry he-said, she-said debate on who is the bigger sex fiend, Bill Clinton or Donald Trump.

On the one hand, with all that talk about female genitalia and hands up skirts, not to mention romps around the Oval office, one does have to wonder if it is having an effect on the members of the male community, at least those men who are not able to control their members.

On the other hand, it begs the question, "wouldn't imagining the Donald having sex with young women actually elicit a gag reflex?"

In the case of the latter, it would seem that only the perverted of the perverted would get his jollies from thinking about this scenario and therefore, if he is that careless about his fantasies, he sure as hell isn't going to buy a box of condoms ahead of his search for his next unwilling victim.

Which doesn't explain the spike in condom sales. The only logical conclusion to be had is most men and women of child-bearing age are scared as hell that the stupidity coming out of these elections will somehow have a deleterious effect on future generations. That, plus the fact that they do not want to bring an innocent child into this toxic environment. Cue the dancing condom commercial.

At any rate, the only winners in this insane game of blame, deny, blame some more are the condom companies, and, of course, the stockholders in those companies. When Trump talks about Clinton allowing "the all-time Great Trojan Horse" into the country, we can't help but wonder if it was a self-fulfilling prophecy.


Thursday, October 13, 2016

Trump's Swan Song

Is that a banana in your pocket or are 
you just happy to grope me?


Trump's Swan Song
(sung to Oscar Mayer Wiener Song)

My Libido has a first thought
It's jump on it and hump
My libido has a second thought
I can because I'm Trump
Oh I love to chase them every day
and if you ask me why I'll say….
I can't control my tiny schlong
So now I'll have to say so long.

the end...(hopefully)

Tuesday, July 19, 2016

GOP Up Shitz Creek; Calls in Turd Blossom to Rig Race

It is common knowledge that Donald Trump continues his popularity among the  conservative populace who aren't buying politics as usual anymore. They are fed up and want to see changes in the system and the White House. This makes the establishment GOP nervous as hell.

Obviously, their first choice for a presidential candidate is not one who appears to be a donkey in elephant's clothing. And they certainly do not want a candidate who doesn't know his place in the Presidential hierarchy, i.e. a level or two below House Speaker Paul Ryan and Senate Majority Leader, Mitch McConnell.

So, with Trump's popularity picking up more steam ahead of the NY primary elections, the establishment GOP is bringing in the big guns to hopefully quash, once and for all, his ambitions of being the next President of the United States. That's right. When all goes belly up in an election cycle, there is one person who can step up to the plate, play really, really dirty politics, and still come out smelling like a rose. Turd Blossom to the rescue.

Even though the jury is still out on whether or not the GOP establishment even likes Karl Rove, they do admit he is a mastermind when it comes to dirty politics. In fact, few people know that Rove was actually referred to as a "Teacher of Tricks" during the Watergate scandal. A scandal involving plumbers. Are we starting to see a connection here?

While he doesn't like to think of himself as a trickster, Turd Blossom does admit that the GOP is up Shitz Creek without him. Anybody still looking for a good plumber?

"I make no apologies for the things I've done in the past, whether it is gerry rigging…er I mean, gerrymandering an entire state (Texas), or an entire country to win Senate seats. I am the go-to guy to get things done."

Asked if gerrymandering would work in the case of Donald Trump and NY. He looked dumbfounded.

"Hell no," he said. "You are comparing apples to dumbbells. No, the only way to stop someone like Trump is you have to go off all Tonya Harding on him. But you didn't hear that from me."

In fact, after that statement, Rove refused to give any more details of how he has been plotting to derail the GOP frontrunner's chances of becoming the GOP presidential nominee. Last seen, he was hiding in the shadows, spittle coming from his grotesquely deformed smile as he counted the millions of dollars just handed off to him by someone looking eerily like Eddie Munster.

Meanwhile, upon hearing Rove's statement, Trump had his security beefed up and sent his private assistant out shopping for knee pads to match his bullet-proof vest.

In related political news on the Democratic side, NY Governor Andrew Cuomo has asked for an emergency meeting with the Supervisor of Elections to see if there is any way to raise the voting age ahead of the primary to 30 in an effort to keep young Democrats from voting overwhelmingly in favor of Bernie Sanders.

When asked about this latest measure, Cuomo simply stated "Hey, other states are doing way more dishonest stuff than us and getting away with it. This cuts down on having to employ extra help to switch party affiliations on the registered voter sheets."


More as we get it.

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

Paul Ryan Attacked by Pack of Angry Lemurs



Paul Ryan is back home in Wisconsin and resting comfortably after suffering an attack by a pack of angry lemurs at a Southwest Florida elementary school where Ryan was speaking last Friday. “He’s got a few nasty scratches,” said Ryan’s wife, Janna, “but doctors expect him to make a full recovery within a few weeks.”

The lemurs were being shown to a classroom of children at the same elementary school where Representative Ryan was asked to come speak to a noon assembly in the school’s cafetorium. Handlers at a nearby lemur research reserve, which houses roughly 40 lemurs, say they aren’t quite certain what got into the usually docile creatures; however, they have a theory.

“We have pretty much narrowed it down to a case of hungry lemurs that smelled some ripening bananas in the school’s lunch line,” said Kathy Mahnky, chief research assistant at the lemur facility.

“One minute all was going well,” she said. “The children were being allowed to get near the lemurs for a closer look, but then all of a sudden, without warning, they (the lemurs) took off down the hallway toward the cafetorium.” Eyewitnesses claim that at the same time the lemurs entered the cafetorium, Ryan was reaching for a bunch of ripened bananas to use in explaining his economic plan. Mahnky says that’s when the lemurs attacked.

One eyewitness, after finding out Ryan was not severely injured in the attack, remarked jokingly about what had recently occurred. “We’re taking bets that those lemurs weren’t necessarily after the fruit so much as they were most likely angry reincarnated senior citizens not happy with Ryan’s plan to do away with Social Security.”

Meanwhile, Ryan’s close advisers have advised him against using ripened fruit in any future presentations just to be on the safe side.


Saturday, June 11, 2016

Elizabeth Warren Seeks Professional Help for OCD After Endorsing Clinton


BOSTON - Sources close to Elizabeth Warren say the Massachusetts Senator has checked herself into the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder Institute, McLean Hospital, at Harvard Medical School. According to one source, Ms. Warren has not been able to stop showering since she endorsed Hillary Clinton as the Democratic Party Nominee for President.

"I just don't feel clean anymore," Ms. Warren was quoted as saying as she talked to the triage nurse in the admitting area of the Hospital.

"I think I need serious help," she wailed.

At one point during the admittance process, Sen. Warren excused herself to use the bathroom, and after several minutes in there, an aide went to check on her only to find her sitting on the floor next to the sink with several paper towels in hand trying to scrub her arms and legs.

"There is dirt everywhere," she muttered as she was escorted from the bathroom and admitted to the Institute.

When asked if her endorsement of Hillary Clinton had anything to do with her sudden urge to incessantly cleanse herself, Sen. Warren replied, "Well, I don't really know if it is my endorsement of Secretary Clinton, or my disdain for Donald Trump. All I can tell you is, I never felt this dirty going after Donald."

A hospital spokesperson said they will keep a close eye on Sen. Warren to make sure she doesn't do any more harm to herself.

Asked what a possible treatment might be for her, the doctor in charge of her case said it was too soon to tell, but he would not rule out getting in touch with the DNC and talking them into allowing her to back out of her endorsement.

"We are going to begin by showing Sen. Warren clips of Hillary Clinton speeches and determining if her behavior worsens. My guess is that she will immediately try to strong arm the aides into letting her take a shower, and if that is the case, we will have our culprit."


In the meantime, doctors have been trying to reach Bernie Sanders for an impromptu intervention, but have been unsuccessful. They were told he was in meetings all weekend and could not be disturbed. When told about Sen. Warren's condition, he simply said "Elizabeth who?"

Monday, May 23, 2016

God Bless My Barbeque



Ed Note: I salute the flag, but more importantly, I salute the men and the occasional woman, who have gone to great lengths to make the BBQ grill their blackened idol... this can be sung to America the Beautiful or said as a solemn prayer, your choice. 

P.S. I heard this is National BBQ Month, so I dusted this off one more time to share with everyone who loves a good brisket...

(Sung to God Bless America)

God bless my barbeque
Smoke pit and all

I will cherish
And care for it

Through the summer
And into the fall,

From a brisket
to a weiner

To the primest
cut of meat,

God bless my barbeque
It can't be beat

God bless my barbeque
Now let's go eat.












Letters from Summer Camp – The Transformations


Wonder if I can swim across without
being noticed
Well, folks, it’s that time of year again when the letters start trickling in from the kids whose parents have shipped them off to camp for the summer. In today’s hectic world, all it takes is one little mistake and the kid you send out as an innocent child could very well come back as, well, an evolved being.

Dear Dad,

A word to the wise. Next time you want to cut corners on something, it might be a good idea not to do it on my summer camp tuition. Seems that “great deal” you got back in April to send me off to camp for two weeks didn’t mention that I’d be shackled to my bunk mate during lockdowns. Here’s a hint…“boot camp” doesn’t really have anything to do with hiking.

Sure, the Adirondacks are nice this time of year; the lake is beautiful. However, the only wildlife I’ve seen so far is my fellow campers taking a swing at their correctional officers and the occasional turf war.

Speaking of arts and crafts, I never knew how many things you could use to fashion makeshift knives, or “shivs” as we jokingly refer to them here at camp. Please send more bars of Ivory and some black shoe polish. Oh, and if you could, a couple of bandannas and some extra large basketball shorts.

Well, I better wrap this up. My bunk mate wants to go for a swim and we’ve almost got the three-legged back stroke down to a science now.

Oh, one more thing…can’t wait to show you my knuckle tattoos. Here I was thinking most swear words had only four letters. Oh the things I’m learning here. You and mom aren’t gonna recognize me when I get home.

See you soon,

Jimmy, aka J-man
Camp Homie-Away-From-Home


Dear Mom,

You know how you thought you were sending me to Science camp this summer so I could be with kids who have the same interests as me?

Well, you are not gonna believe this. I am pretty sure we are now Scientologists. Yeah, who knew? We misread the brochures. I don’t remember it saying anything about brainwashing.

Anyway, I think we still believe in the same God, but not really sure yet. I’ll let you know after I attend a few more meetings with the other disciples.

At any rate, they are treating me really nice here so long as I don’t talk about Jesus Christ being my Lord and Savior. For some reason, that really ticks the counselors off. But don’t worry. They never yell at me, at least not like Pastor Higgins does when he talks about going to Hell and all.

So that’s about it. Oh, by the way, I hope you get this. My big plan is to sneak off to the main road, flag a trucker down and make him promise he won’t tell anyone back at camp that I asked him to mail this for me.

Well, gotta run. We have a late arrival and everyone is simply crawling over each other to get to him first. Hopefully, they won’t miss me for at least a couple hours.

Love and Light,

Heather
Camp Alpha Delphi

Sunday, March 20, 2016

Millions of Americans Trapped Below Middle Class without Rescue Plan

Rescuers are busy on a plan to reach millions of Americans who have become trapped somewhere between middle class and lower class without much of a chance of survival. They claim a level of greed several hundred feet thick is separating the trapped Americans from reaching the upper crust.

While several escape plans have been formulated, none of them seem to be iron-clad winners and therefore, have not been put into action as yet. The committee put in charge of the rescue plan claims they are unable to put the effort and resources into such a large plan until after the elections have determined who the next group of rescuers will be.

“It’d be like taking money from one cause and putting it toward another,” said one rescue operation manager, “we just can’t afford to spend our election money on anything other than getting our people elected.”

Of course, Bernie Sanders, a big proponent of pulling the upper crust entirely off the middle class, is being drowned out by the other 2016 candidates who are saying they are fine with the situation for now as it means less money is being spent on things like adequate health care, better paying jobs, etc. I  addition, they believe that more humans on top means more carbon dioxide being exhaled. Said one
billionaire wishing not to be identified, "We have enough hot air up here now as it is."

In addition, they say that as long as the upper crust separates the "us-es" from "thems," there is no need to worry about depletion of fossil fuels, as they believe the bodies will eventually turn into peat, peat into coal, etc.

"Of course, that is a while away," said Donald Trump at a recent rally. "But you know, as long as we're in power, we can wait."

 Some say if the Democrats win, the trapped Americans may see some relief, although slow in coming, which means several hundred thousand may still end up worse off than they are at present. Some have just run out of the resources to wait. Some are living with one foot outside their front doors, while their homes are falling away from them.

Word getting back to the upper crust tells a story of horror as those caught below recount how they have been able to survive thus far. May Smith from Snap Bean, SC claims she’s gotten by barely.

“I’ve had to claw a corner of the space down here for myself to grow my own vegetables. My family takes turns guarding the patch at night from others who are so busy standing in lines trying to get one or two steps up that they end up without the resources to feed their families. Some are busy clipping coupons. It helps, but unless you can buy two of everything, which we can’t, a coupon isn’t worth the paper it's printed on. We end up using coupons to start fires to keep warm down here.”

Others say that if the Republicans get in, they don’t know if there will be a rescue at all. Barney Cratchett from Crockett, Kansas claims he’s voted Republican ever since he’s been of age to vote, but isn’t quite sure this year.

“You hear stories down here, you know? Stories about Ronald Reagan and how his economics was good enough for us in the 80’s, they may be good enough for us now. Without any bankers or lawyers or professional folks down here to run that kind of economic thinking past, I’m just not sure the money’s gonna reach this far down and without it reaching past maybe the 1st or second level tier, down here at level 4, we may be waiting a long time to be rescued," he said, adding "the only trickle down we are getting here is some real nasty stuff if  you know what I mean. Those rich folks do love their asparagus.”

Sally Farnsworth, a single 50's Wal-mart worker who has found herself at the bottom of the lower middle class level says the same.

“It’s freakin’ scary to think about. I’m driving a 2000 Kia Rio. Sure, 100,000 mile, 10-year warranty, but that expired six years ago. I need a new muffler and brake system. Do the rescuers know that? I doubt it. It's being held together with duct tape and that stuff can be very expensive, even with my Wal-mart employee discount.”

Meanwhile, needless holes are being dug to reach the trapped middle class. Said one rescuer “It’s hit or miss, that’s all we can say. We try extending unemployment benefits, but at what cost? We try helping defray things like medical costs and high credit card interest rates, but the insurance companies and banks aren’t willing to even come out to the rescue site to see how they might lend a hand.”

Everyone involved in the rescue effort agrees on one thing, without everyone chipping in and trying to come up with a solution, those stuck in the middle and lower classes are going to remain trapped for a while longer and the best we can do is pipe down a few creature comforts like Cheetos and cheap fast food hoping that by Christmas, they can all come up for air.

Friday, March 18, 2016

Donald Trump's "Thin Skin" Disorder May Lead to His Undoing

In 2012, we reported that Donald Trump had been advised by his physician, Dr. Harvey Finkelstein, that he should discontinue his bid for the White House due to a rare skin condition he developed after a severe roasting at the White House Correspondents' Dinner. The doctor diagnosed the Donald with dermatitis deletus, or thin skin to the layman, and ordered Trump to undergo therapy in the form of attendance at various late night shows to help him develop a thicker skin.

The treatments seemed to work together with the fact that Trump went through three years of no election stimulus to provoke further thin skin attacks, and the fact that Jon Stewart left the Daily Show, thereby lessening the brutally funny daily attacks on Trump's character.

Fast forward to today, election year 2016, and Trump is back on the campaign trail against doctor's orders. Dr. Finkelstein predicts that not only will Trump's skin condition worsen, but it could very well lead him to again pull out of the race for the Presidency prematurely, if he doesn't explode first.

When asked about the doctor's statement, Trump stated defiantly "I have never done anything prematurely, if you know what I mean. There is no problem whatsoever in that department."

Dr. Finkelstein has taken to the airwaves to warn backers of Trump that they may be throwing good money after bad.

"Look, here is what we are dealing with," said the good doctor. "We have a man who has suffered for years with various rare maladies befalling the rich, none of which has caused him more anguish than that of having very thin skin. If this condition is not treated properly through more intensive types of therapy, both physical and mental, there could be grave consequences not only for Mr. Trump but more importantly for the people who work for him."

Asked to elaborate, Dr. Finkelstein issued a dire prediction, "He could literally explode," he said. "If he doesn't get the help he needs immediately, and if he does not pull out of the race again, I cannot be responsible for the bloodbath that could occur at any moment at the next Trump rally."

 When asked if the doctor meant a bloodbath due to rioting, he responded, "No, the rioting is a given. I am talking about Donald Trump's veins literally popping all over the place. One vein popping and ruining one of his $10,000 suits could easily cause a chain reaction," he said.

People close to Donald Trump agree. According to his make-up artist, the budget for pancake makeup and spray tans has gone up considerably in the past several months due to the need to cover up the veins that have begun popping out of the Donald's head.

"Just last week, I was dismissed by Mr. Trump for taking too long to powder his temples," said Destiny Parker, a former employee of the Donald Trump entourage.

"In my honest opinion, the only thing keeping the veins in Mr. Trump's head from exploding is the secret weapon we in the industry refer to as 'super glue for the skin.' Without that, I fear Mr. Trump's head is a ticking time bomb."

Will these dire warnings from the professionals closest to the presidential hopeful persuade the Donald to drop out of yet another race--one that he seems to be winning against all odds? We shall have to see.

People close to Donald Trump tell us that while he is concerned about the possibility of his body parts exploding in front of thousands of supporters, that will not quench his desire for the ultimate power trip of being the most important man in the world--in real life, not just according to Time Magazine.

 

Thursday, March 17, 2016

Trump Ends Presidential Bid Due to Medical Condition

Update: It is 5 years later and we have learned that while Donald Trump still suffers from "thin skin syndrome," he says he has taken the necessary medical precautions and is, in his words, "a leathery lethal opponent to anyone who gets in his way on his path to the Presidency."
Donald Trump announced today that he won’t be seeking the GOP nomination for President in 2012. While many speculated it was because he realized that he would have a hard time securing that nomination, even if he bought it, the truth is, he’s quitting on doctor’s orders.

Dr. Harvey Finkelstein, one of Trump’s many personal physicians, stated that his patient suffers from a severe case of thin skin. “We [Trump’s medical advisers] had initially given Donald the okay to run for President, believing he had a tough hide and could take the onslaught of slings and arrows he’d be subjected to. We were as surprised as anyone to discover just how thin Mr. Trump’s skin really is.”

Dr. Finkelstein claims that the Donald contacted him immediately following the severe roasting he received from Seth Meyers at the White House Correspondents' Dinner saying that he wasn’t sure he could take that kind of disrespect. “At the time, I advised Mr. Trump to just hang on and let things settle down, thinking that once they did, he (Donald) could go back on the offensive. Unfortunately, he never fully recovered from that vicious attack,” said the good doctor.

Those close to Trump say although he was gaining steam slowly and decided to stay in the race, the final blow came when news of Osama bin Laden’s death started hitting the airwaves. “He became so enraged, his veins started popping up and you could see them right through his skin,” said Finkelstein. “That’s when we knew that he would never be able to withstand another year and a half of the constant needling he’d be getting from not only the media, but from his own party, and we had to advise Mr. Trump to withdraw from the race for medical reasons.”

Trump’s medical staff has prescribed some physical therapy to get Trump back to the man he was before his short-lived run for public office. He has been ordered to attend live comedy shows at least once a week and sit front and center as he is assaulted with personal jokes about everything from his comb-over hairstyle to his failure as a politician.

“We were also going to insist that he appear on the Jon Stewart Show to build up his resistance,” said Dr. Finkelstein, “but, it is just too soon, and we don’t want to take any unnecessary chances with our patient’s health.”

Saturday, February 27, 2016

Trump Hires Mini-Me to Steal Short Man Vote from Rubio




Accuses Ted Cruz of Lying about his Height

Donald Trump is leaving no stone unturned as he marches his way across the south to declare victory after victory in the upcoming Super Tuesday elections.

Coming off his big win in South Carolina, Trump should feel confident that he has all but sealed his nomination as the GOP candidate for President, whether the Republicans like it or not. However, there is one thing standing in his way, and although it is a little thing, as he puts it, it is still standing in his way…Marco Rubio.

It is pretty much a sure bet that Rubio will be staying in the race and giving Trump a run for his money; and with Rubio being a full 5 inches shorter than Trump, the Don feels that it is just unacceptable. Trump claims Rubio will have an unfair advantage come Thursday, when they will be matched up again on the stage for another debate, because Trump will tower over Rubio making Trump appear aggressive.

"It just won't look good at all," said Trump, who said that in previous debates, before everyone started dropping like flies, there were enough tall and not-so-tall, and downright short men on the stage together that it didn't make much of a difference at all. But now, with a potential match-up looming between himself and one, possibly two (including Cruz) candidates who are considerably shorter than his 6'3", Trump has run into a bump. Trump claims that no one really knows what Ted Cruz' actual height is but claims he is lying when he says he is a tall Texan.

"Going up against anyone shorter than me is gonna make me look like a bully," said Trump, claiming he is the nicest person in the race, adding "you can quote me on that, better yet, I think I'll tweet that right now and quote myself, cause I don't trust you media people."

"Look, here's how I see it. If they put Rubio up there on the stage against a behemoth like me and the voters see that, they might feel sorry for the little fella and vote for him. Sure, some people will vote for me because I am tall and a stupendous Caucasian, but still, some voters may vote for the little guy, you know how wimpy some people can be about always being for the little guy," said Trump with that smirk and shrug he's become so famous for.

"So, I have a solution, he said. "I have the money and the say so, so I've asked my people to find a smaller version of myself, dress him up to look like me, and we'll put him on the stage against Rubio and if need be, Ted Cruz. That way, I'm not going to look like a bully."

Asked what will happen if Hillary Clinton clinches the Democratic nomination and the time comes when he (Trump) and she (Clinton) go head to head in a national debate, Trump responded


"Well, if you are asking me if we are going to find a surrogate woman who looks like me to perform in the debate, then all I can say is, I will do whatever it is, and it will be big, or small, or female, but we will do whatever it is we will do to make sure that I win the election come November.

Friday, January 22, 2016

Koch Brothers Change Directions; Want to Buy Their Way into Heaven

Charles and David Koch made an astounding 360 today when they announced that they would pull all their money out of the 2016 elections and fund, instead, every orphanage around the world to make sure all children living in abject poverty have a better life from the ground up.

Backers of Americans for Prosperity, an ultra-conservative political advocacy group touted as the most influential in history, the Koch Brothers have built a political empire backing whomever comes closest to their ideals for a country where taxes for the rich are low, government plays a minimal part in our ordinary lives (more on that and marijuana reform in a moment), and where Christian values come first.

It is that last part that made the Koch Brothers change course in a big way.

"David and I were praying before our private altar in our office the other day and suddenly the room lit up," said Charles Koch.

"It was an eerie light, but brighter than any I'd ever seen. We thought maybe we'd gotten our wish and the electric companies around the world were using more coal or something," he said.

"But then, a figure appeared directly in front of our altar, and I have to say I was impressed, cause our altar is pretty large."

He paused and asked "Charles weren't you pretty impressed?" to which Charles replied "what word rhymes with Trump? Hump, Bump, Grump, Lump, Schlong…no no no Dump…" sounding eerily like Ted Cruz at one of his stump speeches.

"Anyway," said David, "we, mainly me, cause I now own 52% of our overall stock, but that's another story," he smiled wryly…"anyway, like I was saying kids. Yes, no, heaven, yes heaven. I thought we were dying and going to heaven when the large apparition spoke to me. Roughly, this is the gist of our exchange:

Apparition: David, we aren't the least bit pleased with the way you've been handling the fortune we threw your way lo these many years ago.

Me: I didn't know spirits actually spoke like that.

Apparition: You must repent or Ted Cruz won't be elected President in the next election, for whosoever sayeth it shall sprayeth it.

Me: (wondering if this was a real apparition or Barry "Bonehead" Whiddley from 7th grade) but I wasn't taking any chances, so I asked, What then, oh great holy spirit, must we do to get back our power?

Apparition: You must change course and become good men by gathering all the children to your flock...something, something...Children are like lambs, men like wolves, and the wolves shall perish where the children once stood.

"And then poof! the apparition disappeared," said David.


"I'm not sure I understood that last part, but by then the bowl was getting pretty low and Charles was bogarting."


To be continued…