Local Woman Saves Planet by Allowing Satan to Dwell in Her Abscessed Tooth

“The pain, thweet Jethuth the pain,” yelled Cloris Zucker as the dentist poked around in her mouth trying to find the source of her discomfort. He started out innocently enough, beginning on the left side and working his way over to the right.

“This one?” asked the dentist

“Noph,” replied Cloris.

“This’n?” He asked as he hit the next tooth with his little silver hammer.

“Noph,” she said. “Nob fat one.”

Before he could even ask, Cloris leapt about a foot into the air and yelled “Yesh, oh yesh, yesh, yesh,” with tears rolling down the side of her face. “Thash the one.”

Meanwhile, halfway around the world, people in Greece had stopped complaining to their government about cuts in their retirement salaries. Most were willing to go back to work until they were nearer to retirement age like most other countries.

Children in Somalia were waking up to full breakfasts and the Red Cross had enough money to feed and clothe even the poorest of nations on earth.

The Republicans were apologizing to the Democrats for the way they’d been acting. The world, as a whole was at peace and the only thing that seemed to be causing any pain at all was Cloris’ tooth.

There was a miracle taking place around the world and the only reasonable explanation was the fact that Satan had totally immersed himself into inflicting pain on one poor creature by the name of Cloris Zucker.

Back in Sweetwater, Texas, the dental assistant was readying a cart with all the necessary tools to extract the offending tooth so that Cloris could have her life back. As the dentist asked Cloris to lean her head back and allow him to check one last time, he heard a small but mighty guttural voice “The tooth is mine, do you hear me? The tooth is mine.”

The dentist pulled back, trembling in fear. Was this really happening? Was that tooth speaking to him? He bent down again to get a closer look, and felt a small but powerful hand grab his index finger. The demon within the tooth bit the dentist and drew blood. The dentist reared back in pain a strange foreboding crossed his brow.

“I’m sorry Ms. Zucker, but I’m afraid I have some very bad news for you. The devil is residing in your tooth and that is what is causing all the pain. He refuses to let me extract him.”

At that moment, it all began to make sense to Cloris. The peace on earth, the balancing of the federal budget and new found love for President Obama, the end of the drought in Texas, it all came down to one thing. Satan was so busy causing Cloris pain in the form of an abscessed tooth that he had given up on making the rest of the world suffer. She was a heroine. If she had the tooth pulled, who knew what devastation the earth would endure.

Cloris unselfishly told the dentist to put the instruments down and get out his prescription pad.

“Write me a prescription for some more pain pills doc,” she said as she took off the dribble bib, got out of the dentist chair, and proudly walked out into a glorious Texas rainstorm.

Obama Schedules Haters Beer Summit

President Obama has asked the White House kitchen staff to order up a couple cases of Texas’ best Shiner Bock and to “make some of those delicious wiener puffs and cheez whiz thingies” for a special beer summit he is planning within the next two weeks.

“I know my re-election for some, especially folks who live in the redder states, is a tough pill to swallow, so I’m inviting them here for a beer summit to see if we can find some common ground,” said the ever-optimistic Commander-in-Chief.

Obama admits the first beer summit (between a black Harvard professor and the white police officer who arrested him) wasn’t exactly a success as neither party showed signs of changing their stands and accepting any apologies, but he is sure of one thing.

“Beer is the universal language of men,” said the President. “Give a guy a free beer and he has to do two things…(1) he has to drink it, and (2) he has to at least acknowledge the guy who bought it for him. Those are the rules of buying a round.”

“Not so fast” said Texas governor Rick Perry upon learning of the beer summit.

“Oh, he may get us to the White House on the promise of free beer, but I guarantee he ain’t gonna like what we have to say once we get a few rounds in us.”

Perry was likely referring to his upcoming agenda to ignore certain mandates of Obamacare as well as lead other states in their threat to secede from the union. It appeared that Perry and others may accept the invitation to the Haters Beer Summit simply to “cop a buzz from the President, and that’s about it” as Florida Governor Rick Scott put it.

This didn’t seem to deter Obama one bit, however.

“Not a problem,” said the confident President.

“If the Haters Beer Summit takes a nasty turn for the worse,” he said, “we’ve already come up with a Plan B. We’ll just spin it as a Good-Bye/Good Luck Party for all those who wish to secede because honestly, it’s the best idea they’ve had all year.”

Rick Perry Takes Break from Campaign Trail to Visit Texas

You Shoulda Seen the One that Got Away

Texas Governor Rick Perry hasn’t been home much lately. He’s out on the campaign trail trying to garner support for his presidential campaign that has, quite frankly, been derailed by Herman Cain, Mitt Romney and Michele Bachmann. But he’s hopeful and therefore ever vigilant in his fight to become the next nation’s leader.

But even presidential hopefuls need a break and that’s what brings Perry back to his home state. When asked what will be on his agenda once he gets back to his office, Perry replied “Oh goodness no, I have people to staff my office. They’ll be fine, so will Texas as a whole. Nope, I’m celebrating…goin’ fishin,’” said a smiling Perry.

“But what about the wildfire situation in Bastrop,” asked one reporter. “Oh, FEMA’s handling that,” Perry replied. “No, the NEW fire in Bastrop,” pressed the reporter.

“What, you mean there’s another daggone fire in that same place? Boy, those Bastrop people sure don’t have that Texas luck, do they?”

Perry then ended the conference by telling everyone that he preferred bass fishing to fly fishing. “It’s something about casting that lure and just waiting for a big ole’ fish to snap it up,” Perry said.

“Sometimes they do, and sometimes they don’t. It’s just a big old waiting game,” he added as he hurried off in his private jet to give one last speech to the folks in New Jersey.

Rare Weather Occurrence in Central Texas Creates Venus-Like Atmosphere

The build-up of heat in the atmosphere over Central Texas has created a rare series of rainless rainstorms akin to those witnessed above Venus.

“It’s a rainstorm, but without the rain,” claims meteorologist Cliff Dunnow, who says the rare weather occurrence makes dust storms look like monkey play, “or something similar,” he said.

Just exactly what monkey play has to do with weather is also a complete mystery. At any rate, virgas, totally unrelated to Viagra or virgins, are clouds that have plenty of rain in them, but in the form of ice crystals. When the crystals get heavy and fall, they hit the heat of the atmosphere and evaporate, so that it rains, just not on the ground.

“It’s one of God’s cruelest jokes played on the people of Texas,” Dunnow said. “They keep praying for rain, see a storm approaching and think to themselves ‘wow, finally,’ only to have the rain evaporate about 100 feet above their heads.”

The weather pattern is expected to last a day or two, just long enough for the folks living in Central Texas to threaten to pick up sticks and move the hell out of the state. Meanwhile, Dunnow is asking anyone who actually witnesses a regular rainstorm to call his office immediately as he says a good old-fashioned downpour has become even rarer in Texas than the virga.

Could Taking Federal Aid Damage Perry’s Reputation with the Tea Party?

I Said Laugh Dammit
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(See Below)

The Texas wildfires have put Presidential Candidate Governor Rick Perry between a rock and a hard spot. While he’s come out swinging against the federal government saying states should have the ability to govern themselves, if he doesn’t take the federal aid being requested to fight the raging fires in Texas and to make the citizens who are affected by those fires whole, Perry faces a barrage of criticism he wasn’t prepared for.

What to do? What to do? Well, for starters, he could park his ass in Texas and show the people who are losing their homes that he’s here for them.  In addition, he could stop bashing the President and calm down long enough to have a grown-up conversation with him on just what needs are being met by Texas and what needs are going to require federal assistance.

Seeing as Mr. Perry wasn’t really worried about the threat of wildfires a year ago when he signed a bill cutting a spending package for volunteer firefighters across Texas, it doesn’t look like he’s too worried about its citizens either while he jets off to yet another Republican debate. So much for his comment that he's 'more concerned now with the citizens of Texas than he is politics.'

Wonder if he’s got enough time to stop off and buy a new fiddle.


NOTE: Obama has signed Federal Disaster Aid Bill to those suffering from wildfires in Central Texas.

Texas Running Out of Cold Water

The summer of 2011 is going down as one of the hottest on record in Texas. Several Texas cities are getting close to breaking old records for number of triple-digit days, and the end of summer is still pretty far off.

Trees are dying, livestock is being sold off for lack of grazing land, and electric companies are asking customers to cut back on usage to avoid energy blackouts.  

While all the above have been experienced by Texans before, one new phenomenon has not, i.e. lack of cold water. “In some cities, the water coming out of the cold tap is lukewarm,” said City Utilities Manager, Jim Huckleberry from Luckenbach, Texas. “I’d say about 95% of the water now coming out of our water plant is between 90 and 100 degrees,” said Huckleberry. “That’s way too warm for consumption, and we’re warning folks to put their water in the fridge for at least an hour or so before drinking it.”

Huckleberry says people just don’t realize how precious cold water is until you don’t have it. “Sure, it don’t matter if you’re bathing in it,” he said, “but just about everything you do to keep cool in summer depends on cold water, from the public pool to the air conditioning in your home, not to mention keeping your body hydrated.” Constant refrigeration of millions of gallons of water for consumption is creating serious problems in many Texas towns.

Texas Governor Rick Perry agrees the lack of cold water in Texas is becoming a real problem and says that if the triple-digit heat continues, he may have to declare a state of emergency and ask the federal government for assistance. “I don’t want to do it,” said Perry, “but I’ll be darned if I’ll sit idly by and deny my fellow Texans their God-given right to have cold water run freely from their kitchen faucets.”

Rick Perry Running for President So He Can Abolish the Job

Texas Governor Rick Perry announced today that the only reason he is considering a run for President in 2012 is so that, once elected, he can use his executive power to abolish the post of President.

Confused? Let me explain. Perry is a strong proponent of states’ rights. He believes that each individual state in the United States, including Texas, should be allowed to set their own laws regarding such things as education, labor laws, and civil rights. With no federal government, it would no longer be necessary to have a federal government figurehead.

In order for Perry to become President, he would have to renounce his stand on states’ rights, that is unless he becomes President just long enough to abolish the post of President all together and revert back to being the Governor of Texas.

In a recent speech, Perry’s distaste for federal government interference was palpable. “We don’t want to have to give school kids free lunches if we don’t want to,” he said. “Of course, if we want to, we will, but we won’t if we don’t want to and the federal government can’t make us.”

Perry has his lawyers checking on the constitutionality of a President abolishing the office of President of the United States, but says that regardless of their answer, he’s still gonna run for President just to scare the hell out of all his fellow Republican rivals.

Perry is also checking whether or not it would be feasible to create a new job for himself once he fires himself from the office of President of the United States and is unable to return to the post of Texas’ governor. He’s thinking President of Texas sounds pretty good.

Texas Consults with Rush Limbaugh on Textbook Changes

The Texas Board of Education, whose majority members are of the more conservative Republican persuasion, has voted to make substantial changes to the Social Studies curriculum in their schools and to re-write the textbooks that accompany that curriculum. In a vote of 10 to 5, the board also voted to approve having radio host and political pundit Rush Limbaugh serve as chief consultant on the project mainly because they believe that “Limbaugh’s Institute for Advanced Conservative Studies” is the ultimate source for much of what they wish to teach young minds in Texas and ultimately the entire United States.

“Said Esther Sessions, board spokeswoman, “first of all, the most radical change in textbook content will be to infuse Christian values back into the ‘leaning’ of history. We refer to this as ‘Christian leaning,’ not learning, as it leans back into the type of studies God originally intended. Rush Limbaugh’s knowledge will significantly enhance the leaning taught through our new curriculum.”

Following these guidelines, the textbooks will look radically different. For instance, every chapter will begin with a Bible verse such as you might see on the handouts you receive in church. “Lord knows there is a verse to suit every lesson, and if we can’t find a verse to fit the lesson, we’ll re-write the lesson to fit the verse,” said Sessions.

The first chapter of the book, in fact, is based on the book of Genesis and teaches creationism over evolution. “Man did not evolve but was created by God, and every person is a direct descendant of Adam and Eve, or Cain and Eve or Abel and Eve,” reads the first paragraph.

Rush Limbaugh’s influence permeates every part of the book, from a discussion on who the real founding fathers were, i.e. Thomas Jefferson, because of his views on separation of church and state has been replaced with confederate heroes such as Stonewall Jackson and Robert E. Lee, to modern-day issues such as American exceptionalism, illegal immigration, deregulation of corporations and financial institutions, and the loosening of gun control laws.

Said Limbaugh of the project “I’ve never been prouder to work on anything in my life as I am this textbook. I am working with some of the greatest conservative authors in Texas who have the uncanny ability to take any historical fact in American history and mold it into a conservative lesson in order to bring our youth to a better understanding of what this country was truly based on. It is a sight to behold.”

Succession and Secession Causing Palin Major Confusion

Sarah Palin speaking a few weeks ago at a rally for Rick Perry referred to news about Texans wanting to secede from the union, and said “…they got that wrong. Texas today, I don't think they're seceding, they are succeeding….”

Upon hearing of this, Debra Medina, the Tea Party candidate for Governor of Texas, called Palin to offer her services as a mentor on the differences between succession and secession, both terms being bandied about lately by the Tea Party movement and obviously causing Palin some confusion. In addition, Medina wanted to set Sarah straight on her (Medina’s) plans for Texas not to secede but instead restore sovereignty, a concept that may be foreign to Palin. We can only wonder how the lessons are going:

Deb: Ok, Sarah, here’s the first word. Succession, with two “c’s” and two “esses.”

Sarah: Oh, you mean like in success in running for office.

Deb: Well, sure, it could mean that, but we’re talking about another success, success-shun.

Sarah: I hate to tell ya Deb, but I’m not one to run from success.

Deb: Sarah, please, dear, focus. Now, for purposes of our lesson, the use of the word succession is improper. Nevertheless, lots of people in the Tea Party movement are using it to describe their desire to secede from the union, much like the idea you and Todd toyed with in Alaska. In actuality, the correct word is Secession, with an “e” not a “u.”

Sarah: What do you mean, Deb, I can’t be a part of it?

Deb: What?

Sarah: You said with an “e” but not a “you.”

Deb: Oh for heaven’s sake, Sarah, I said “u” not “you.”

Sarah: Well, if not me, then who?

Deb: Forget succession. It doesn’t matter anyway. Let’s talk about secession.

Sarah: I had those with all my kids.

Deb: What?

Sarah: C-Sections, way better than natural childbirth, I can tell ya that.

Deb: You have got to be kidding me.

Sarah: Do you mean “u” or “you” as in me?

[Deb gets up to leave.]

Sarah: Wait, Deb, where are you going? Aren’t we going to discuss your wanting to become Queen of Texas?

Deb (over her shoulder): What?

Sarah: Sovereignty. You said you were also going to give me a lesson on sovereignty.

Texas Spring Water Company Offers Miracle Water Diet

Thirty-five years ago, you wouldn’t have been able to tell Joe P. Freely that he’d someday get rich selling bottled water, but today, it’s money that’s flowing from Freely’s diet spring water business in Big Spring, Texas. “Your Nation Natural Diet Water” is the fastest selling diet water in the southwest. In fact, it’s selling so fast that Freely can’t keep it on shelves. “We are flush with success,” says Freely. It doesn’t hurt business either that Your Nation Natural Diet Water comes with a free dispenser fashioned after the cute cherub fountains found in Italy (see photo). You can choose from a variety of colors to fit your home or office décor.

“This ain’t just any spring water,” claims Joe. “Making Your Nation a part of a sensible diet plan is the only way to lose weight quickly and effectively. We guarantee it or your money back.” Joe goes on to say that all one needs to do is drink 8-8oz. bottles of his water a day, along with a sensible diet, and he guarantees the pounds will fall away. Your Nation is a bit more expensive than regular water, but it has to be claims Freely. “People didn’t get fat by not spending their hard earned money on fast food, and they aren’t gonna get skinny by drinking tap water. They need a special water to help them do that and Your Nation is the key to that success.”

Joe wouldn’t let us in on why he believes his water is different, but when asked, he did show us before and after pictures of some of his clients. Take Cindy C. from Elsinore, TX. Your Nation has been a part of her diet plan now for 2 years and she has gone from a size 22 dress to a size 2 and looks like a million bucks. Her testimony says volumes. “Within two hours of my first taste of Your Nation, I knew I was hooked. I’ve been drinking Your Nation regularly now for going on two years and love the taste. It is so refreshing, and along with a sensible diet, if I feel like eating, which I normally don’t after drinking Your Nation, I have been able to shed the pounds effortlessly.”

Freely’s list of satisfied customers goes on and on and reads like a Texas list of Who’s Who. We agreed not to give out any names but we can tell you that a certain Desperate Housewife from Texas is a regular customer of Your Nation, along with a few other notoriously thin actresses. In fact, if an actress is thin and from the southwest, two to one she’s been on the Your Nation diet at some time in her life.

Your Nation cannot be found in stores. The only place you can get it is through word of mouth. So next time you are in Big Springs, Texas, be sure to ask someone if they know where you can get hold of some Your Nation so you can get started on a diet plan that will have you losing pounds effortlessly with every bottle of water you drink.