Wednesday, June 15, 2016

Paul Ryan Attacked by Pack of Angry Lemurs

Paul Ryan is back home in Wisconsin and resting comfortably after suffering an attack by a pack of angry lemurs at a Southwest Florida elementary school where Ryan was speaking last Friday. “He’s got a few nasty scratches,” said Ryan’s wife, Janna, “but doctors expect him to make a full recovery within a few weeks.”

The lemurs were being shown to a classroom of children at the same elementary school where Representative Ryan was asked to come speak to a noon assembly in the school’s cafetorium. Handlers at a nearby lemur research reserve, which houses roughly 40 lemurs, say they aren’t quite certain what got into the usually docile creatures; however, they have a theory.

“We have pretty much narrowed it down to a case of hungry lemurs that smelled some ripening bananas in the school’s lunch line,” said Kathy Mahnky, chief research assistant at the lemur facility.

“One minute all was going well,” she said. “The children were being allowed to get near the lemurs for a closer look, but then all of a sudden, without warning, they (the lemurs) took off down the hallway toward the cafetorium.” Eyewitnesses claim that at the same time the lemurs entered the cafetorium, Ryan was reaching for a bunch of ripened bananas to use in explaining his economic plan. Mahnky says that’s when the lemurs attacked.

One eyewitness, after finding out Ryan was not severely injured in the attack, remarked jokingly about what had recently occurred. “We’re taking bets that those lemurs weren’t necessarily after the fruit so much as they were most likely angry reincarnated senior citizens not happy with Ryan’s plan to do away with Social Security.”

Meanwhile, Ryan’s close advisers have advised him against using ripened fruit in any future presentations just to be on the safe side.

Saturday, June 11, 2016

Elizabeth Warren Seeks Professional Help for OCD After Endorsing Clinton

BOSTON - Sources close to Elizabeth Warren say the Massachusetts Senator has checked herself into the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder Institute, McLean Hospital, at Harvard Medical School. According to one source, Ms. Warren has not been able to stop showering since she endorsed Hillary Clinton as the Democratic Party Nominee for President.

"I just don't feel clean anymore," Ms. Warren was quoted as saying as she talked to the triage nurse in the admitting area of the Hospital.

"I think I need serious help," she wailed.

At one point during the admittance process, Sen. Warren excused herself to use the bathroom, and after several minutes in there, an aide went to check on her only to find her sitting on the floor next to the sink with several paper towels in hand trying to scrub her arms and legs.

"There is dirt everywhere," she muttered as she was escorted from the bathroom and admitted to the Institute.

When asked if her endorsement of Hillary Clinton had anything to do with her sudden urge to incessantly cleanse herself, Sen. Warren replied, "Well, I don't really know if it is my endorsement of Secretary Clinton, or my disdain for Donald Trump. All I can tell you is, I never felt this dirty going after Donald."

A hospital spokesperson said they will keep a close eye on Sen. Warren to make sure she doesn't do any more harm to herself.

Asked what a possible treatment might be for her, the doctor in charge of her case said it was too soon to tell, but he would not rule out getting in touch with the DNC and talking them into allowing her to back out of her endorsement.

"We are going to begin by showing Sen. Warren clips of Hillary Clinton speeches and determining if her behavior worsens. My guess is that she will immediately try to strong arm the aides into letting her take a shower, and if that is the case, we will have our culprit."

In the meantime, doctors have been trying to reach Bernie Sanders for an impromptu intervention, but have been unsuccessful. They were told he was in meetings all weekend and could not be disturbed. When told about Sen. Warren's condition, he simply said "Elizabeth who?"