Sunday, January 29, 2012

Koch Brothers Paying Gingrich to Run to Make Romney More Palatable

Seems these days no one wants to be in Newt Gingrich’s shoes and the only ones convinced that he should be our next President are himself and a handbag of Tea Party nutwings like Hermain Cain and Sarah Palin. Gingrich isn’t a stupid man, so it begs the question why does he continue to show up at rallies and declare himself the best man for the job?

Money. It always comes down to money. While it cannot be confirmed (in any real sense of the word in a meaningful way), some sources close to the Romney camp are saying things like “Let’s just say the money is on Mitt but the real money is on Gingrich.”  What?

Translation: The Koch Brothers are doing everything in their power to make their candidate, Mitt Romney look like the only option, including throwing money at the Gingrich campaign to keep Newt on the trail, spouting his ridiculous promises.

“The moon thing was my idea,” says David Koch. “I about laughed my ass off when I saw Newt up there telling America he was gonna put a colony on the moon if he was President.”

“He’s a smart man, but he’s so, so gullible,” chimed in Charles Koch. “I just love it when he tells folks how he’s responsible for keeping the Republican Party intact. That is just priceless,” said Charles. “Everyone knows it’s Koch money that is assuring the Republican Party’s success. Without us, the GOP would just be the same old boring song and dance, but when we jazzed it up with a little Tea Party dissent, it sparkled.”

Meanwhile, there are rumors in the Romney camp that Mitt is getting a bit anxious about actually becoming President. “I keep hearing rumors that being President means you actually have to roll up your sleeves and get your hands dirty occasionally,” said Mitt. “Wonder if it is too late to back out and just let Gingrich have the job.”

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Hare Krishnas Tossing Real Flowers; Now Twisting Balloons for Tips

It has been almost two years since the California Supreme Court ruled that Los Angeles and other California cities may ban Hare Krishnas from panhandling at airports. Since then, the Hare Krishnas have been busy trying to find avenues around the laws to allow them to once again get money into their coffers while spreading their message of peace and love.

Whereas before, Krishnas would hand out flowers in expectation of receiving a donation for their society, it has been ruled that this is illegal and must stop.

So, what to do?

Fortunately, several months ago, a couple of Hare Krishna devotees were having coffee at a local IHOP when they noticed a man walking around offering to twist balloons into various shapes for the patrons--for a fee of course. The Krishnas noticed that the man was making anywhere from $2 to $5 for each toy.

“The lightbulb went ‘bling!’” said Abhay Dhir, a down-on-his-luck devotee who just so happened to know someone who worked at the local Party Store. “I knew I could get the balloons really cheap. All we needed to do is learn how to twist them to look like daisies. It was pure genius.”

After checking with his ACLU lawyers, Abhay was able to ascertain whether or not balloon twisting for money in airports is legal. Turns out it is.

“The rest is taking care of itself,” said Abhay. He has trained over 100 devotees the art of twisting balloons into daisies and they are once again ready to head into California’s airports to spread their message and make a little money.

“Each balloon comes with a little message from the Hare Krishnas,” said Abhay. “The best part of all is that we haven’t met one person yet who hates watching a balloon flower take shape, even while doing so means having to sit through several verses of the Hare Krishna mantra.”

Friday, January 27, 2012

Cold Front Hits Florida, Santorum Goes Home

Out of respect for Mr. Santorum and his family, this article has been removed. Wishing his daughter a speedy and full recovery. 

Jerry Springer Invites Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney on Show

Jerry Springer, the king of daytime trash television is offering Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney a million dollars each if they will take their feud onto his show for one taping. “I love to watch when Newt, who is already considered the trailer trash candidate of the GOP, brings a polished businessman like Mitt Romney down to his level,” said Springer. “Forget cousins having babies together, this would blow my audience out of the water.”

Springer said that so far, Newt’s people have tentatively accepted, but he hasn’t heard back from the Romney camp.

“Romney says the money sounds great, but he’s balking at the idea of putting on a Speedo and rolling around in Jello with Newt for the cameras,” said Springer’s producer. “But those are just details that can be worked out. It may be possible to get them to just wear cut-offs and switch out the Jello for mud. Lord knows Mitt is not adverse to a little mud-slinging—it’s just more difficult than we thought convincing him to do it literally.”

Friday, January 20, 2012

Aging Gingrich Sucking Life Out of Youthful Santorum Race

Volunteers for GOP candidate Rick Santorum say they are growing more tired by the day trying to come up with good things to say about Newt Gingrich in order to keep the Gingrich/Santorum tag team going against candidate Mitt Romney.

“At first we thought, ok, Newt is a bright dude, he has a bit more Washington experience than our Rick does, and ganging up on Romney would get us further than if we went after him ourselves,” said Jim Voeticki, chief organizer of the Santorum campaign.

“But he lies…a lot,” said Voeticki, “and quite frankly, his lies are affecting all of us.”

Voeticki says that since Santorum decided to get in Newt’s corner and go after Romney together, the volunteers have had to stay up late at night just trying to keep a step ahead of the media so that their boss’ name doesn’t get dragged through the dirt just by association.

Mary McCurtney, 37, a Santorum volunteer from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, agrees. “When we first started this campaign last year, I had gorgeous auburn hair. I’m now having to get henna treatments every 3 months or so to hide the gray. I’m seriously considering hanging up my volunteer slippers and saying the heck with it. I didn’t sign on for this crap.”

“Hell, we shouldn’t have trusted him in the first place,” said Voeticki. “It’s just that most of us were too young to remember Gingrich’s shady dealings as House Speaker back in the 90’s, and well, let’s face it, Newt is such a smooth talker. He had us at hello.”

But now, the youthful campaign workers are aging fast and are asking their leader to allow them to cut ties with the Gingrich camp. “If for no other reason,” said Voeticki, “the cost of vitamin supplements alone is putting a serious dent in our campaign coffers.”

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Mitt Romney Hands out $20 Bills to Young Black Males

Mitt Romney says the ‘high’ he felt by helping out a Sumter, SC woman last week by handing her a wad of cash to pay her electricity bill was exhilarating. He claimed afterwards that he couldn’t describe how great it felt to give to the poor. “Who knew there was that kind of power in money?” said Romney.

It was then that Romney decided that wherever he went, he would carry a pocketful of cash and hand it out to those he felt were most needy. And so, on a sunny Monday, while the country celebrated the birthday of Reverend Martin Luther King, Jr., Mitt Romney hit the streets in Myrtle Beach, SC handing out $20 bills to the young black men milling about the streets.

“I figured the least I could do was buy them lunch,” said Romney. “I know how hard it must be to be out of work and hungry, so I thought, hey, I know I can take care of the hungry part.”

Asked if he thought it might look like a political handout to get the black vote in South Carolina, Romney poo pooed the notion. “Oh heck no, not at all. I mean, sure, those guys might be voters, I’m never sure. But, vote for me when they have Obama? Heaven’s no. I know that’s never gonna happen. I’m just throwing a little ‘power’ around,” he chuckled as he hurried off to score some more happy points with a group of blacks he spotted at the bus station.

Afterwards, one of the recipients was asked how he felt about being handed money from a man who may soon be his next President. “I’m blown away, man,” said Johnson Freeman. “Now I can afford to pay my kid’s allowance this week.” Then lightheartedly added, “But asking for a shoe shine in exchange for the Jackson? Man, that was harsh, Willard.”

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Mitt Romney Not Ashamed of his Tons of Millions

Yo Quiero Mi Dinero?

The media, for lack of better things to do, seem to constantly be nipping at Mitt Romney’s heels about how wealthy he is. But for all their efforts to make him look like a rich fat cat, the best they’ve been able to accomplish is to provide Romney a platform on which to flaunt his financial success.

“My God,” said Romney at a $10,000 a plate dinner in Boca Raton, Florida, “If that money wasn’t going to me, it would just end up in someone else’s pocket. I’m just not getting what the big deal is. I’m rich, get over it,” he said to a cheering audience.

“He’s sending the right message,” said Thornton Bancroll, one of the richest donors to Romney’s cause.

“Seriously, tonight Mr. Romney asked a damned good rhetorical question. He said ‘Wouldn’t giving up my wealth be an insult to every person in this room?’ and no one here tonight could argue against that kind of logic. 

Romney says he isn’t bitter at the press, and in fact, he welcomes the dialogue about money. “At least when they are talking about how filthy rich I am, they aren’t digging up more of my ancestral roots. I mean, really, Mexican? Who saw that coming?”

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Damien Thorn Surges in GOP Polls

For anyone who is just tuning in, Republican Presidential candidate Mitt Romney is surging in the polls despite the fact that he is anti-middle class, anti-working folk, and anti-poor. He is being spoon fed to America as the next great leader, ready to topple our now standing President in, what some would have you believe, the greatest takedown since Muhammad Ali vs. Joe Frazier.

He’s Ward Cleaver, the Koch Brothers, Mr. Rogers, and Damien Thorn all rolled into one neat package created to give the American public an alternative to Barack Obama. He’s gonna fix this country. Not by easing taxes on the rich, not by giving the jobless jobs, not by fixing the financial industry. Nosiree, he’s just gonna get up there in Washington and remove Barack Obama’s finger from the dike so that Washington can get back to the business of letting business take over.

But Romney is going to do it with a great big smile on his face. The face that will be turning away when the rest of the jobs are shipped overseas, the hangers on who were barely making it finally fall into the abyss of destitution, the hungry finally die off and the poor just plain give up.

Mitt Romney is not one solitary man, he is a figurehead that has been carefully picked to be the GOP candidate to take down the President by any means possible. Romney lends his suave appearance and his calm, calculating demeanor to those in real power to do with as they please just so long as he gets to keep his millions and his mansions, yes, plural, the ones in California, Massachusetts and New Hampshire, not to mention his little ski shack in Utah.

Romney may be surging in the polls, but you can bet it is not because real Americans are backing him. Instead his political dog is being wagged so well by the most powerful people in the world that no one on the middle-class or below level can see anything due to the bright light being shined in their faces. Somebody is paying somebody off in massive amounts to have someone like Romney do so well in the polls when the majority of the citizens of this country are in such dire straits.

What is really happening is that the money people are trying one last time to pull the wool over the eyes of the American public while they are too weak to protest. It is costing a lot. One so cynical as myself has to wonder if Ron Paul, as well, is being paid a pretty penny to show up to these shindigs, take a few of the votes so as to make it seem like a real contest. He will never become the GOP candidate. He knows it and Mitt Romney and his backers know it, yet he continues to be cheered on by the youth of this country, perhaps because they are just naïve enough to believe that there is such a thing as a democratic process in America and we have a real choice.

“Make it look real good fellas, like he’s really fighting for the American people, and then at the end, give him a concession speech that will have them crying in the aisles” (cue Romney from the left.)

“My fellow Americans, I am honored to accept the nomination of the Republican Party to become the next great President of the United States.”

Does anyone know where that satchel with the ceremonial daggers is?

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

New Little Bigfoot Show to Air this Summer on Animal Planet

“They’re out there. Their size just makes them that much harder to find,” claims veteran Bigfoot hunter, Claude Brinkman, from Clare County, Michigan. Brinkman has just signed on to do several episodes of a show called The Hunt for Little Bigfoot for the Animal Planet Channel.

Brinkman claims he started out looking for regular-sized Bigfoot creatures but was having little success.

“I saw where some fellas from Georgia got their own show and claim to be the best Bigfoot hunters in the world,” said Brinkman. “Baloney. They haven’t produced one iota of evidence yet, but I will.”

Asked if he had evidence of his Little Bigfoot creature, Brinkman answered “No, but I’ve had plenty of opportunities to get some. I just want to save all that for the show.”

Asked to theorize exactly what a Little Bigfoot is, Brinkman told reporters, “It’s about the size of an overweight 9-year old, I’m guessing, and it walks around barefoot in the woods, just like its big counterparts.”

Asked if it could actually be a 9-year old child wearing a furry coat for winter and walking around in the woods, Brinkman said that he thought of that possibility, but quickly dismissed it.

“Seriously, folks, where are his shoes?”

Little Bigfoot has begun filming in the woods of Clare County, Michigan and if all goes well (meaning if any signs whatsoever are found that would remotely get someone to watch this guy walking around in the woods speculating that there actually could be a smaller version of the Bigfoot creature while never showing real evidence of its existence) then the show will air on the Animal Planet in the time slot immediately following Finding Bigfoot.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Grandma Foils Would-Be Carjacker with Bag of Doggie Doo

Cecelia (Cece) Hudson is being hailed as one tough grandma this morning after reports of an attempted carjacking of her precious 1994 Honda Accord met with dismal failure. Due to her quick thinking and a conveniently placed bag of fresh doggie doo on her front passenger seat, Hudson was able to debilitate the would-be robber until authorities arrived to arrest him for grand theft auto.

Hudson, from Flushing, Michigan, claims she had just finished taking her black lab, Chauncey, for a walk in Woof Woods Dog Park and realized she was late for her weekly hair appointment at Dayshawna’s Hair Salon.

“I weren’t near no trash bin and was running late, so I just told Chauncey to get in the car and threw the bag of fresh dog poo in the front seat beside him and took off.”

Hudson claims she got the dog home and jumped back in the car and was about a block away from home when she realized she hadn’t yet thrown away the offensive bag. She pulled to the curb beside a city dumpster and, with bag in hand, was just getting ready to toss it into the dumpster when out of nowhere a young man ran up to the car, strong-armed Hudson and tried to wrest control of the steering wheel.

Fresh bag of doo in hand, Hudson says she snapped the tie open and in one swift motion smashed the foul-smelling waste right smack in the middle of that robber’s face.

“Oh it were a sight to see alright,” said Cece. “He was rolling around on the ground and calling me every name in the book. People started gathering around, but not too close mind you, to see what all the commotion was. Meantime, I was on the phone with the Po-lice.”

Luckily for Hudson, a squad car was in close proximity of the attempted carjacking and arrived in time to take the man into custody. Once he was secured, they turned their attention on the little old lady sitting defensively behind the wheel of her prized automobile.

“He weren’t getting my baby, I can tell you that,” said a defiant Hudson,“ as she lovingly patted the dashboard of the car with her one clean hand.

“Can we get a statement from you ma’am?” asked the police officer.

“Why of course,” she answered. But first, would you happen to have a wet nap that I could wipe my hands on?”

As the officer stepped back to his patrol car, Cece followed him closely behind. He handed her the wet nap, and she took one last moment to peer through the cruiser’s window at the back seat. She purposefully wiped her hand clean as a whistle, leaned in a little closer and put up only one finger and said to the boy, “Sh*t happens,” then turned and walked back to the officer to give her side of the story.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Psychic Chrystal Ball Predicts 2012 as ‘A Mighty Ugly Year’

Ed. Note: It has come to my attention that after printing these predictions, some readers were confused as to the impossibility of a couple of the predictions coming true, necessitating further clarification.

#3 forgot to mention stock market crash mid-year

#5b forgot to mention that Texas Governor Rick Perry will become so enraged after learning he's not going to be POTUS that he took his state rogue

#8 was a flat out lie tucked neatly within the predictions to take advantage one last time of Charlie Sheen's fame before he finally fades into obscurity, which Chrystal Ball predicts that he will.

Hope this clears up the misconceptions.


World famous Chrystal Ball, self-proclaimed Psychic to the Stars, is at it again, but this time, she’s taking on more than just the entertainment industry. Miss Ball predicts that 2012 is going to be a mighty ugly year, and she warns that folks better get used to ugly because it will pretty much affect every person on the planet.

In her preamble to her ten most important predictions, Chrystal Ball says that not only will 2012 top 2011 as the worst year in recorded history, it won’t even come to a complete end, in the sense that the end is coming before the end of 2012. Confused? Well read on…

1)      While blackbirds again will fall from the skies on New Year’s Day, the real surprise is that they will continue to fall throughout the year, causing great consternation among scientists who, because of the stress of trying to figure out the phenomenon, will become disoriented themselves and start walking into walls inexplicably, causing great injuries among some of the brightest minds in the world.

2)      There will be a shortage of great scientists. (See #1)

3)      Simon Cowell will lose his will to create new talent reality shows. As a result, he will end up penniless in a flat in Manchester, England strumming a second-hand guitar and weeping over photos of Scottish singing sensation, Susan Boyle.

4)      World-class surfers will die by the hundreds trying to surf the upcoming surge of tsunamis around the world. New technology will make predicting tsunamis as easy as predicting thunderstorms, thereby pinpointing ideal situations for waves as high as 30 meters in some cases. Super surfboards will come equipped with body straps to keep the surfers strapped to the board for the long ride into downtown areas as far inland as 70-100 miles.

5)       Ron Paul wins the GOP nomination and goes on to become the President of the United States. Paul attributes his political successes to all spectrums of the population saying that the liberals voted for him because he promised to end all wars and bring home all troops; the conservatives voted for him because as much as they disliked him, they disliked the alternatives more; and the centrists voted for him because as much as they say they want to pay taxes, the truth is, no one wants to pay taxes and Ron Paul said he wouldn’t make anyone pay taxes. That, and the fact that he chose Hulk Hogan as his running mate.

5a) The country falls into total disrepair due to the fact that no one is required to pay federal taxes any longer and the states just aren’t interested in mandating any new laws because it costs too much. Dallas, Texas becomes the nation’s capital and Ron Paul designates the set of Dallas as his new Presidential residence.

5b) Texas secedes from the Union leaving the United States without a leader.

6)      Cardboard becomes one of the hottest commodities on the market as more and more families are forced out of their homes and left to build makeshift homes out of the appliance boxes and packing crates of the rich. School janitor becomes the hottest job in America as Newt Gingrich’s suggestion that school children be forced to clean their own schools to pay for school books and supplies catches fire. The Labor Department lowers the working age to 8 to accommodate the new working class (literally).

7)       Piers Morgan is deported back to Surrey, England after being accused and found guilty of rigging major cricket matches for personal financial gain. Americans hold biggest party in the nation’s history.

8)      Charlie Sheen falls off the wagon three more times before joining the Hari Krishnas and turning celibate in the sense that he promised to only date one woman at a time.

9)      Major cities across America are bought by the Chinese. Won’s Won Ton Palace replaces McDonald’s as the hottest food franchise in the world.

10)   The Mayans get the date 12/21/12 wrong by one day throwing the entire world into chaos and Christians into apoplectic shock.