From COPS to Pot Farmers: How Reality TV Has Done a 360

Everyone who is a fan of reality television knows that COPS is credited with being the first reality-based show on television. A staple on Saturday nights, COPS ruled the roost in reality television for several decades on Fox before being pushed aside for more elaborate shows on other channels. So it is more than ironic that the latest offering in reality TV shows would be about an activity that has law enforcement officials feeling helpless to stop—Pot Farming in Northern California.

It was announced in August 2012 that The Discovery Channel was working on a new reality television series based on the lives of several pot farmers in northern California. Since then, pot lovers all over America have been eagerly anticipating its debut.

Pot Farmers of Humboldt County chronicles the lives of three pot farming families who have struck gold overnight by turning their rural farmlands into pot fields. Pot farming has become a very lucrative, albeit very competitive, business in California, so it goes without saying that this show will provide all the drama that other Discovery Channel shows now airing such as Sons of Guns, Hillbilly Handfishin’, and Moonshiners presently dish out.

Pot farming in Northern California, particularly, has been getting a bum rap for what authorities trying to stop them say are serious environmental violations, from cutting down virgin forests to make room for their burgeoning businesses to poisoning the environment with chemicals pot farmers claim are necessary to grow a healthy crop of a much-desired medicine in California.

One of the stars of the show, Pot Farmers, is a 60-year old hippie named Willie McMillon, who owns nine square miles of farmland in rural Eureka. McMillon heads up his family of seven, including his wife, Sadie, three daughters and two sons, all of whom help out on the farm. McMillon claims that his farm is as organic as it gets and claims the government is just trying to pick bones because they want to see pot farming eradicated and go back to a time when pot was strictly forbidden.

As a side note, Willie is said to own upwards of 100 or more tie-dyed t-shirts, some of which he has owned for as many years as he’s been a hippie. Throughout the show, Willie will be seen wearing his signature bib overalls and a different tie-dyed t-shirt every week, some so old, you can almost see the last threads disintegrate before your very eyes.

 “I’m glad to have this opportunity to show the world that pot farmers in California, well most of us anyways, are doing the best we can to make sure that pot farming doesn’t harm anything Mother Nature has given us,” says Willie on the 2-hour pilot program of Pot Farmers set to air sometime in March 2013.

Willie is most likely referring to two other families featured on the show who grow pot for a living. One in particular is a heated rival and who Willie doesn’t hold back on when describing his dislike for the way they do business. The family, the Hartfields, headed up by Robert “Rick” Hartfield, owner of eleven acres of pot land, live just ‘down the road’ from the McMillons, and this rivalry is as heated as any we’ve seen in recent reality show history. Not even the feud between Nene Leakes and Kim Zolciak of The Real Housewives of Atlanta will be able to outshine this modern-day war between pot farmers.

Hartfield has been cited for a few environmental infractions but in the show, he claims the chemicals he uses on his plants are the same ones that tomato and melon farmers in the area use and claims he is being singled out because of the nature of his crop.

In one particularly hard scene to watch, Hartfield has to take one of his dogs that got into the pot shed and ate halfway through a bag of buds to the vet for pot poisoning, but the dog ends up fully recovering with a new nickname “Bud.”

The Hartfields and McMillons, along with another family by the name of Miller, a transplanted Amish family originally from LaGrange, Indiana--another well-known, but as of yet, illegal place that is famous for its home-grown marijuana—make Pot Farmers one of the most anticipated new reality shows to hit the Discovery Channel since Moonshiners.

A producer of the show claims that the economy is partially responsible for these rogue families across the country doing whatever is necessary to keep their families fed and a roof over their heads.

“While families like those featured in another reality show, Duck Dynasty, which airs on rival channel A&E, get their money from the legal business of making hand-crafted duck calls, it is only a matter of time before other families will come forward, regardless of the threat of jail time, to get their families’ names in lights on the various channels that showcase what real America is all about,” she said.

Honey Boo Boo Ups Salary Demand to Include Twinkies

I ain't doing nuthin' till I get my Twinkies

Alana Thompson, the child star of the reality hit (by the lowest standards possible) series Here Comes Honey Boo Boo was told on Friday that her favorite snack food, Twinkies, were no longer going to be sold in stores and she was going to have to find another sweet treat to get her through the day.

“No mama no!” screamed the pint-sized puddin’ pop when told she could only have Little Debbie Cloud Cakes instead. “I hate those durned thangs,” she was quoted as saying before locking herself in her own private dressing room. Honey threatened to stay in there unless the show’s producers promised to add Twinkies to her salary demands.

“It got loud in there, real loud,” said June Shannon, Honey Boo Boo’s mom. “We tried everything…7-11 brownies, Dunkin Munchkins, even Moon Pies, which is my personal favorite,” said the distraught mother.

“I was so desperate, I went home and baked a yellow cake yesterday, but I ate it before I could get it in front of her,” she said.

Honey Boo Boo’s show may be cancelled if the producers don’t come up with some Twinkies, and fast.

“Right now, we are negotiating with a seller on eBay to buy a dozen boxes of Twinkies for about $200,000. That should get us through at least three or four more tapings, and then we don’t know what we are going to do,” said May Wortheimer, assistant production manager. She agreed with Shannon that they couldn’t even buy the beauty queen off with moon pies.

“It is that serious,” said Wortheimer.

“If we don’t do something soon,” said Shannon, “we may have to enlist the services of a good pastry chef to see if he can whip up something to bring my baby out of her sugar slump, otherwise, our gravy train is gonna leave the station empty.”

Meanwhile, the closing of the Hostess Plant has lovers of another brand scrambling for the last boxes of Drakes Cakes on the planet. Ring Dings, Yodels and Devil Dogs are soon to disappear from even eBay, leaving folks to wonder how we ever got along without Hostess.

In related business news, today Little Debbie dropped flyers from helicopters advertising their abundance of sweet treats at area supermarkets. So far, it has had little effect, and the competitor is scratching its head wondering what is so different about their bakery snack treats.

Executives at Little Debbie are hinting at closing their doors as well to see how much a box of their Nutty Bars could fetch on the black market.

Joan Rivers Brings Honey Boo Boo to Tears over Tutu

The show Fashion Police starring Joan Rivers caught heat over the weekend for a segment thought to be over the top even for Rivers.

Special guest Honey Boo Boo appeared on the show to model her latest tutu and was having a great time, especially meeting her idol, Kelly Osborne, when all of a sudden Rivers shouted, “Get that round little human fart off my show!”

At first, everyone thought Rivers had simply commented on the cuteness of the tutu, but when no one paid any attention to Rivers and continued watching Honey Boo Boo twirl aimlessly around the stage, smiling and waving to the crowd, Rivers became enflamed.

“I said get the hell off my stage you creepy little fart!” said Rivers as she rushed toward the little redneck princess.

Stage hands had to pull Joan away from Honey Boo Boo, who, by this time was sitting in the middle of the stage crying dramatically for her mama. “Oh mama, mama, where for art thou mama?” she cried.

“Oh great,” screamed Rivers, “now she’s Juliet? Get her outta here or I’ll show her the ending of the play alright.”

Rivers was taken back stage and given oxygen while Honey Boo Boo and the clan were rushed away in a limo. 

The last thing heard from Rivers was “What the hell is going on in show business these days? Reality my ass,” as she collected herself to go back on her show for the next segment entitled “Starlet or Steetwalker?”

Jon and Kate Gosselin Reconciliation Deal in Works

Jon Gosselin has finally hit rock bottom. It is being reported he can’t pay his rent. This is the break Kate Gosselin has been waiting for to get the entire Gosselin clan back on television and making enough money to live the lifestyle she has become accustomed to. After all, she and everyone else knows the only reason anyone tuned into the original Jon and Kate Plus 8 was to watch Kate run roughshod over Jon every week.

While some of us have our opinions on exactly how Jon reached this point, we all pretty much agree that if turtle farmers in Louisiana can get their own reality show, then surely the Gosselin clan can rise out of the ashes to gain the top spot on reality television--that is if Jon is finally desperate enough to swallow his pride, beg Kate to take him back, and allow himself to be emasculated once again on national television.

 While Dr. Phil, with whom the Gosselins have met a few times, thinks a reunion show is a terrible idea, that doesn’t seem to be stopping the pair from doing anything in their power, regardless of how damaging it may be to the family as a whole, in order to earn some much needed revenue to save the family homestead.

Sources close to both mama and papa Gosselin say there may just be a deal before the fall season and, in fact, if it were to be announced today, that is all anyone would be talking about, indicating that there is still quite a bit of excitement surrounding a resurrection of Jon and Kate Plus 8—to be named “The Reconciliation.”

If that’s true, what do you suppose we’d be seeing in the upcoming episodes? Here’s a clue:

Kate decides the family should try turtle farming.

Jon settles into his favorite chair and plays Gran Turismo 2 while Kate screams at the kids who are outside trying to catch turtles.

Kate feeds the kids lunch.

Kate yells at the nannies.

Kate fires the nannies.

Kate finds dirt in the corner of Jon’s bathroom.

Jon takes a break from his game to complain to the camera crew that Kate is mean.

The kids fight with each other.

Kate fights with Jon.

Kate fights with the kids.

The kids fight with the turtles.

The family goes on a picnic and someone eats Kate’s special “skinny” lunch. The day is ruined.

Bodyguard Steve Neild magically shows up with another “skinny” lunch to calm Kate down.

The turtles die.

The kids cry.

Final Episode. Kate threatens to give Jon his walking papers again, but leaves it hanging in case they are in need of money come next season. Jon buys a new Playstation3.

If the show does go into production, it is expected to draw millions in viewership and may just be the hottest show of the upcoming season. The only thing producers are waiting for is Jon to come crawling back to Kate and beg for her forgiveness, and for Kate to say yes. A generous salary advance for both of them for the first episode should pretty much clinch the deal.

The Dougherty Gang Getting Their Own Reality Show

The Dougherty Gang, a trio of siblings consisting of two brothers and a sister, are well-known for their crime spree that spanned several states, including Florida, Georgia and Colorado. They don’t mind shooting cops if they have to, and they smile for their mug shots, if they want to.

The gang was finally arrested in Colorado and the siblings are currently being held on more than $2.5 million bond each. But according to reports coming out of Hollywood immediately after the news of their capture, there is a chance that one big reality news network is willing to put up that bond money to get exclusive rights to the story of those three badass kids.

“Let ‘em out, and give ‘em to us,” said an unnamed spokesperson. “With a makeover and the promise of making more than they do now robbing banks, we might just eventually show them a better path.” He then added with a smile, “Oh hell, who am I kidding? With gang member, Lee Grace’s penchant for taking her clothes off, we stand to get way more than just a crime spree with this trio. We might have to hawk this one to Showtime.”

With bail being met, the courts would have no alternative other than to release the kids, and most assuredly, they’d return to their life of crime. The only difference this time would be that there would be cameras rolling and donuts in the crew van every morning for the star criminals before they hit the banks.

Kate Gosselin: The Taming of the Shrewd

The long-awaited news has finally arrived. TLC has just announced the name and format for Kate’s solo show, sans Jon and Kids. The show is tentatively named Kate: TheTaming of the Shrewd, and it features Kate each week being employed by B through D-rated reality stars, who give Kate some much needed lessons in humility by assigning her various odd jobs to perform.

Our sources tell us that Kate’s been spotted on location around town taking on the tasks that will become part of her new show.

In the first episode, TLC has Kate cleaning the kitchen of quick-tempered TV Chef personality, Gordon Ramsay. With Kate doing the cleaning, Ramsay is expected to give a dinner party where all his guests will be able to eat off the floor! But will Kate even make it to the mopping with Ramsay breathing down her neck, or will her servitude end early with a repeat of Ramsay’s famous “pig” comment?

Other episodes slated will include:

Kate babysitting Nadya Suleman’s (Octomom) 14 children—Who better to handle a full brood of youngsters than the original Octomom? Will coping with 6 additional children send Kate over the edge? Will it throw off her rhythm? Will Nadya flip out when the time comes to actually relinquish control of her kids to someone else? Or will Kate and Nadya bond long enough for Kate to get some much needed tips from Nadya on how to set up a website to accept donations for over-sized families?

Cleaning out Rachel Zoe’s shoe closet—This one might just prove to be the most fun to watch as we take bets on whose OCD wins out on this battle of the wills. While Kate is just starting to amass a large shoe collection, she has no idea of the hundreds of pairs she’ll be dealing with in Zoe’s closet. And to add to the fun, TLC folks have taken some shoes out of the boxes and left some in, leaving Kate to decide if all the shoes should be boxed or unboxed. We have a feeling that she’ll find out soon enough from Rachel.

Walking Gretchen and Danny Bonaduce’s dogs—It’s payback time for the Gosselin puppies who didn’t have a chance on Jon and Kate Plus 8. In the new show, we’ll see how long it takes Kate to try and convince the Bonaduces’ breeder to take their dogs back after a few rounds of scooping poop.

As with Gosselin’s previous reality series, Kate: TheTaming of the Shrewd is expected to pull in huge viewing audiences that want to see Kate succeed as a working mother and cheer her on even while she may be cleaning some D-list actor’s toilet. And it will also have folks watching just to see Kate get a little comeuppance and, as they say, “put her back in her place.”

It should be a rollicking fun time for all and another major TLC hit.

To make things a little more interesting on this show, TLC is asking Kate’s fans to write in and let them know who they’d like to see Kate serving and what they’d like to see her do. According to TLC, “the wackier, the better.” So if you have any ideas, now is the time, because they’ll only be taking viewer suggestions until March 15, 2010. And please, TLC asks that you “keep it clean” for Kate’s sake.

Best of luck, Kate!