Sunday, July 2, 2017

Donald Trump's "Thin Skin" Disorder May Lead to His Undoing

In 2012, we reported that Donald Trump had been advised by his physician, Dr. Harvey Finkelstein, that he should discontinue his bid for the White House due to a rare skin condition he developed after a severe roasting at the White House Correspondents' Dinner. The doctor diagnosed the Donald with dermatitis deletus, or thin skin to the layman, and ordered Trump to undergo therapy in the form of attendance at various late night shows to help him develop a thicker skin.

The treatments seemed to work together with the fact that Trump went through three years of no election stimulus to provoke further thin skin attacks, and the fact that Jon Stewart left the Daily Show, thereby lessening the brutally funny daily attacks on Trump's character.

Fast forward to today, election year 2016, and Trump is back on the campaign trail against doctor's orders. Dr. Finkelstein predicts that not only will Trump's skin condition worsen, but it could very well lead him to again pull out of the race for the Presidency prematurely, if he doesn't explode first.

When asked about the doctor's statement, Trump stated defiantly "I have never done anything prematurely, if you know what I mean. There is no problem whatsoever in that department."

Dr. Finkelstein has taken to the airwaves to warn backers of Trump that they may be throwing good money after bad.

"Look, here is what we are dealing with," said the good doctor. "We have a man who has suffered for years with various rare maladies befalling the rich, none of which has caused him more anguish than that of having very thin skin. If this condition is not treated properly through more intensive types of therapy, both physical and mental, there could be grave consequences not only for Mr. Trump but more importantly for the people who work for him."

Asked to elaborate, Dr. Finkelstein issued a dire prediction, "He could literally explode," he said. "If he doesn't get the help he needs immediately, and if he does not pull out of the race again, I cannot be responsible for the bloodbath that could occur at any moment at the next Trump rally."

 When asked if the doctor meant a bloodbath due to rioting, he responded, "No, the rioting is a given. I am talking about Donald Trump's veins literally popping all over the place. One vein popping and ruining one of his $10,000 suits could easily cause a chain reaction," he said.

People close to Donald Trump agree. According to his make-up artist, the budget for pancake makeup and spray tans has gone up considerably in the past several months due to the need to cover up the veins that have begun popping out of the Donald's head.

"Just last week, I was dismissed by Mr. Trump for taking too long to powder his temples," said Destiny Parker, a former employee of the Donald Trump entourage.

"In my honest opinion, the only thing keeping the veins in Mr. Trump's head from exploding is the secret weapon we in the industry refer to as 'super glue for the skin.' Without that, I fear Mr. Trump's head is a ticking time bomb."

Will these dire warnings from the professionals closest to the presidential hopeful persuade the Donald to drop out of yet another race--one that he seems to be winning against all odds? We shall have to see.

People close to Donald Trump tell us that while he is concerned about the possibility of his body parts exploding in front of thousands of supporters, that will not quench his desire for the ultimate power trip of being the most important man in the world--in real life, not just according to Time Magazine.

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

EPA Designates White House a Toxic Waste Site

The EPA today reported that they have started the process of declaring the White House a toxic waste site under its Superfund program. 

Unofficially designating it the Trump Dump, the EPA claims the White House may be one of the most toxic waste sites in the country due to the sheer volume of leaks coming out of the various governmental departments.

"The environment at the White House is highly toxic, and we aren't sure when and if the mansion will ever be fully restored to its previous splendor," said a high-ranking EPA official who gave his assessment of the situation from a back booth at a local Denny's.

Not to be confused with the Dump Trump campaign by liberals, the Trump Dump is real and it has the President's staff more than a little worried. That is, all except for Steve Bannon. It is a widely held belief in the White House that Bannon believes he can do no harm and that he has enough dirt on the President that he won't be going anywhere anytime soon.

Which leads to another, albeit unrelated toxicity problem. The close quarters in which each of the President's advisors have their offices has only one bathroom for each sex. That means the men have to share a bathroom with Bannon. There have been numerous complaints, according to one source, likening the smells emanating from the men's room to everything from a dead skunk to gin-soaked cheap linen.

Since the EPA has designated the White House a toxic waste site, there have been rumblings from inside the West Wing that the President may just move lock, stock and barrel to Mar-a-Lago and continue his Presidency from the comfort of his Clubhouse, unofficially dubbed the Southern White House . The problem with this reasoning is, of course, that the people he has hired are some of the very people who have been the leakers and therefore, the contamination is feared to have already spread from D.C. to Palm Beach and possibly to New York.

Deep Hole did not seem to be overly concerned that the President, himself, is more than likely contaminated from the stinky business going on in the White House. He is, however, concerned about the eyewitness reports in recent weeks of an eerie orange glow that can be seen enveloping the White House in the evening. The color is most prominent at the upstairs residence of the President.

When asked if there were alternative plans besides declaring the White House a hazardous waste dump, Deep Hole replied, "No, not really. The White House is pretty much a goner at this point," but said he and those in his department will do whatever they can, including leaking any additional information they may have to try and mitigate the damages by having Trump impeached before his term is up. Deep Hole suggested that may be the only way to save the White House.


Meanwhile, when told of the potential designation, the President tweeted "EPA declares WH unsafe. What did Melania know that I didn't? Won't sleep with me. Sad."

Tuesday, June 6, 2017

Eric Trump Claims Daddy Robbed His Piggy Bank


In a candid sit down with a New York radio host last week, Eric Trump opened up about what life was like growing up in the Donald Trump household.

"I have to tell you, the money and fame wasn't bad, but being around that A-type personality 24/7 wasn't easy," claims Eric.

"Sometimes, it was hard to come down to breakfast because you just knew that if you didn't have your tie on straight or your handkerchief just so in your chest pocket, you were going to catch hell."

Then he chuckled. "Dad hates when I tell this story, but I can't resist. I guess with all the talk about Daddy taking money from my charity made me think of this one thing he did when I was like 8 or 9 years old."

Eric recounted how he heard someone upstairs in his bedroom and what sounded like metal on ceramic.
"I thought, 'no way…somebody is breaking into my piggy bank.' I figured it was probably Don, Jr. looking for some cigarette money. Anyway, I went up to investigate, and I found dad, kitchen knife in hand, trying to jimmy the coins out of my piggy bank. No kidding!"

Turns out, as Eric tells it, the senior Trump had ordered a pizza from Domino's and was short a few bucks to pay the pizza delivery guy, who wouldn't go away, even though the elder Trump told him he was good for the money.

Evidently, this same delivery boy had been stiffed a couple times at the Trump residence and was holding his ground, making it necessary for Trump to break into Eric's piggy bank.

"I'll never forget that image…dad got so flustered at not being able to get the change out fast enough that he ended up smashing my piggy bank with the knife and money flew everywhere. When he saw me standing in the doorway, him on his hands and knees scooping up change, and me yelling 'Dad, what the hell?' well, at the time it wasn't funny, but now, looking back on it, it is just so hilarious."

Eric ended the conversation by saying that for all his faults, his dad was a pretty decent guy.


"I mean, he was pretty great. Like the pizza he ordered…he usually liked his with just mushrooms, but for us kids, he got half with pepperoni. Now to me, that really showed he cared."

Monday, May 29, 2017

God Bless My Barbeque



Ed Note:  Since this is National BBQ Month, I dusted this off one more time to share with everyone who loves a good brisket...

Today we salute the brave men and women who have fought for this country and that is first and foremost. Thank you for your service.

But I also want to give a shout out to the men and the occasional woman, who have gone to great lengths to make the BBQ grill their blackened idol... this can be sung to America the Beautiful or said as a solemn prayer, your choice. 


(Sung to God Bless America)

God bless my barbeque
Smoke pit and all

I will cherish
And care for it

Through the summer
And into the fall,

From a brisket
to a weiner

To the primest
cut of meat,

God bless my barbeque
it's mighty sweet,

God bless my barbeque
now let's go eat!













Thursday, March 9, 2017

Woman Sells Set of Dinosaur Cheese Puffs for $495 on eBay

Puffcorn Actual Size
UPDATE: Since purchasing these cheetos, the Donald has been elected and with his inadvertently making cheetos worth a ton of money, Helen has offered up the snack dinosaurs again on E-Bay for $500,000. Anyone interested, please go to E-bay to find the information. Just search for Donald Trump snacks known as the Trump-ets. Good luck.

Helen Crumples is almost $500 richer today after accepting the highest bid on eBay for her "dinosaur" cheese puff collection.

The set of five Chester's Puffcorn snacks, which look amazingly like miniature brontosauruses, were discovered by Helen while tidying up her son, Seth's room.

"I've joked a number of times that looking for anything in Seth's room is like going on an archaeological dig. Little did I know that I wasn't too far off the mark," said an elated Crumples.

Since accepting the offer on eBay, Crumples has bought several more bags of the cheesy snack, and has discovered that most of the puffs resemble either dinosaurs or swans.

"The jig is up, I guess," said Crumples unapologetically.

"I sure hate to break the news to the poor woman who bought my collection. She was such a nice old lady and so excited to have been the highest bidder. I just hope she doesn't think I swindled her."

Crumples did some checking and could find nothing in the eBay rules and regulations that says if a seller realizes the item they are selling is not as listed or not worth nearly what was bid, the seller has any obligation to refund a buyer's money.

Helen says she does feel a bit bad about the whole thing, though. In order to make it up to the buyer, Helen is sending a $25 gift certificate to the kindly old woman from Hobby Lobby.


Helen is hoping the woman, who claims to be an artist, might use the gift card to buy some fake palm trees and shrubs to make a nice diorama in which to show off the unique, or not so unique, puffs, which after realizing her mistake, are actually now only worth the $2.00 or so price of a bag of Chester's Puffcorn.

Saturday, February 25, 2017

Trump Orders All Cabinet Members to Wear Shock Collars

In yet another stunning move toward keeping leaks from reaching the press, the President issued a mandate that everyone in his cabinet be required to wear a shock collar.

"We are tired of reports of rogue employees," said a WH spokesperson, "but we don't want to lose what few employees we have left, especially in light of the new hiring freeze," she said.

"Therefore, effective immediately, the Government Procurements Office has been instructed to purchase (in Trump's own words) "a really big shipment of shock collars."

The collars are reportedly the idea of Steve Bannon, who has become so emboldened by his control of the President that he no longer attempts to hide his sadistic and inhumane thoughts. In fact, unreliable sources have reported scenes in the Oval Room that would make the Clinton/Lewinsky rendevous seem like child's play. One anonymous tipster claims to have seen an invoice on Bannon's desk from Fern's Fetish Emporium.

The collars must be worn at all times so that anything the employees say can be fed into a monitoring program to make sure everyone is not only compliant with the new regulations being signed by Trump on an hourly basis, but also to assure there is no dissension among the group.

While there has been some pushback on the collars from Trump's more outspoken cabinet members, including Generals Kelly, Mattis and McMaster, other members of the cabinet such as Betsy DeVos and Reince Priebus appear to actually enjoy the collars and are said to go out of their way to buck their leader when they need a spurt of energy after working 16-18 hour days.

However, the collars may be responsible for the drained expressions on the faces of a few of Trump's closest advisors, including Kellyanne Conway, who now has been trained to say very little when faced with cameras and a microphone.

While this move may seem medieval to most, the new administration believes it will cut down on having to send Sean Spicer out on a daily basis to quash new rumors of alternative truths leaked to the dishonest media. In Spicer's case, the collars will serve a dual purpose. They will keep him in line while simultaneously treating him for the severe depressive episodes he has been suffering ever since becoming the White House Press Secretary.


When asked if he thinks the shock collars are a good idea, Spicer replied: "Yes, master," as he adjusted the tension on his own ill-fitting collar.

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Trump Roast to Replace Inauguration to Entice Big Name Performers

It was announced today the Inauguration of Donald Trump on Friday, January 20, will be transformed from an Inauguration to a Roast to allow talent agents a fighting chance at securing quasi-big names at the last minute to perform at the event.

"This was the only way we could get some relatively top names, or at the very least, some mediocre talent to Washington," said Molly Hatchet, top talent scout hired by Trump's team to bring big names to the inauguration.

While no one at the talent agency has had the courage to advise Trump of this major change, they are going ahead with the plans and hoping for the best.

"Look, he has his (tiny) hands full already just satisfying the needs of his brooding family members, who are jockeying for top positions in the White House. He doesn't have time to worry about who isn't coming to his big party," said a senior Trump advisor.

So far, it is believed that Don Rickles will be Master of Ceremonies for the Roast, followed by celebrities such as Rob Schneider, Dennis Miller, Greg Gutfield and possibly more as yet to be announced. Victoria Jackson will be the only female among the crowd and has graciously agreed to allow the male members to poke fun at her for additional comic relief.

Theme music for the event will be performed by a new band out of Michigan known as Humongous Clusterfuck, personally handpicked by Mr. Trump himself because, as he stated, "Anything with humongous in it, gets my ok."

Hatchett also confirmed that the country duo, Big and Rich, will be performing at what is being titled the Pre-(Mature) Inaugural Ball. When told of this booking, Trump supposedly replied, "yes, I'm big and I'm rich, but who will be our musical talent?"

Trump says of the Pre-Ball that there will be lots of pretty women, lots of Trump wine, a little bit of Don King if he bathes, and lots of whatever the hell else goes on at these kind of parties. No cameras will be allowed at the Ball, but masks are welcomed.

Vladimir Putin has allegedly been invited to the Ball, but has declined the invitation telling news sources in Russia that he is having trouble getting his papers in order to travel at this time (which when translated, reads "he's getting his chest waxed.") In his place, Putin will be sending a few hand-picked Russian beauties to attend the pre-Inaugural Balls.

Putin did confirm he will attend a post-Inaugural Ball that will take place in the Lincoln Bedroom of the White House, scheduled after Trump takes possession of said Presidential Palace, er White House.


In other news, it was announced today that immediately following his taking the oath of office, Trump is expected to award himself the Congressional Medal of Honor; however, he will be renaming it the Great Congressional Medal of Honor in honor of his greatness. Stay tuned.

Monday, January 2, 2017

Trump Resigns Over Mandatory Reading Assignments from DOD

Trump After Realizing DOD Doesn't Stand for Dept. of Donald
President-elect, Donald Trump resigned as President Monday, shortly after arriving in Manhattan for a  briefing with the Department of Defense. Details are still coming in, but some say the reason for his resignation has to do with a reading assignment he was given shortly before the holiday break.

Mr. Trump was on his way to meeting with the DOD in the wee hours Monday morning when advised by his advisor that he would be required to answer questions relating to the information provided in the top secret briefing memos.

Not one to shirk his responsibilities, the Donald fired off a tweet that said "I know everything. I don't need a briefing to know everything, but I'll go."

About two minutes into the briefing, Trump came out of the room appearing confused and nonplussed. He agreed to a short 20-second press briefing.

"I kept getting these e-mails from the DOD and I wondered, 'why are they calling it DOD?' Then it dawned on me, they must be talking about Department of Donald, and well, I already know what I know so why should I read something that I know I know? But I decided, ok, I'll go just in case there is something they might not know, and need me to clear things up for them."

"Besides," he said, "they always serve the best croissants at these breakfast meetings."

After the Donald spoke, a reporter whispered to Dennis Rodman, who was standing beside Trump waving a N. Korean flag, and Dennis whispered to Trump.

Seemingly unfazed, Trump then announced, "Well folks, it appears DOD stands for Department of Defense. Who knew? You coulda knocked me over with a comb. But that's ok, I'll just resign."

Turning to no one in particular, he added "I can do that can't I? I mean, I don't have to be President if I don't want to do I?"

While the question seemed rhetorical and just a tad elementary, a reporter from NPR, who had been hiding in the back of the briefing room the whole time in order to escape detection by the President-elect, spoke up.


"No, Mr. Almost President, you don't."