Thursday, October 23, 2014

Governor Rick Scott Getting Ready for 'Dopeheads' to Infiltrate Florida

Gov. Rick Scott Steps Off Spaceship at Fundraiser in Miami, FL
Florida Governor, Rick Scott says he is on the side of the law that says "No" to drugs. Therefore he will be voting no on Amendment 2 come November 4.

"This is being fueled by a bunch of dopeheads, and I just can't have that in my state," said the eerily calm Scott.

Scott  is taking part in the camp that believes the horror stories expounded by movies like Reefer Madness and Marihuana (both made in 1936--years before he was even born). Scott claims his older colleagues rented the movies for him to watch to drill into him the serious nature of the plant commonly known commonly as cannabis or marijuana.

After watching the movies, Scott stated "Gee, I didn't know they spelled it with an "h." Is that a Mexican thing and should I be aware of it?"

Asked if his stance would change should he or a member of his family get cancer or any other serious ailment that would warrant the use of medical marijuana to treat the symptoms of such disease and Scott replied, "Well if you put it that way," and then laughed as if to say that he believes that he and his family are impervious to serious ailments merely because they have the best health care available in the state of Florida.

"We're good," I think," said Scott, but if one of us develops any kind of back pain, we'll just go to the local pain clinic and get some pills the legal way."

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Halloween Stores across America Refuse to Stock Bible Figure Costumes for JesusWeen

Ed. Note - Looks like JesusWeen was a self-fulfilled prophecy in that it didn't take off as an alternative to Halloween, so if you were hoping to make yourself up this year to be a savior, you may be SOL (Savior out of Luck) - Here is a reprisal of the JesusWeen story that originally ran in 2011.

Look out Satan, Freddy, Jason and the Screamer, this year you’re going to get your stiffest competition from Jesus. That’s right, a religious group in Baltimore, Maryland is taking over Halloween and Christening it “JesusWeen.”

“That’s pretty unfair,” claims Damian Warlock, owner of one of the many Halloween box stores springing up around the country. “You don’t see us dressing up like Satan on Christmas or opening Christmas box stores loaded with Freddy and Jason costumes complete with fake pumping blood masks just in time for the holidays do you?” Warlock says that while his store has always carried semi-religious items such as Crusader costumes and angel wings, he just doesn't see where stocking Jesus and various apostle costumes would be that profitable for him.

“The Christians have more holidays during the year than any other religion already," said Warlock, "so why do they need Halloween too? The whole thing is just getting so out of hand," he said.

Bob Holaroller, of Baltimore, an elder at the Church where JesusWeen got its start claims that instead of carving pumpkins and going around door-to-door begging for candy, children should be running through the neighborhood singing the Lord’s praises and getting free little Bibles.  Holaroller has been touting JesusWeen for the past several years but says it has been slow to catch on.

This year, Holaroller has invested in outside hurricane shutters and full drapes for the trees outside his home to stave off the annual assaults of toilet-papering and raw eggs his family endures every JesusWeen.

“It’s not that folks are anti-religion,” said Warlock. “But come on, Get-Saved pamphlets and miniature bibles? Right there you run into trouble when you cut off the neighborhood kids’ chocolate supply. There’s bound to be trouble.” Warlock also claims that the re-naming of the holiday to JesusWeen is just plain stupid.

“If it were originally called SatanWeen, I could see the connection, but changing Hallow to Jesus? What does that mean?” asked Warlock who claims he's pretty certain any kid whose parents make him dress up like an Apostle for Halloween is gonna have a hard time at school come Monday morning.

Still, anyone who wishes to turn their life around and celebrate JesusWeen instead of Halloween can do so with a minimum amount of money. “Just take those sheets you were going to use as ghost costumes,” says Holaroller, “and wrap them around you like a Jesus robe. Use a rope for a belt, and voila, you can go from Satan to Savior in no time.”

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Put Me on a Diet (Sung to Eagles' Take it to the Limit)

Eagles' Take it to the Limit

The holidays are approaching fast, and some of us are dreading them simply because we don't want to add on that extra 10 or so pounds experts say we will after all that turkey, gravy, and various sweet treats we'll be over indulging in over the holidays.

So this song is dedicated to all those dedicated dieters out there who need a theme song. The best diet plan in the world is a continual sing-along because it's damned near impossible to sing a song while you're stuffing your face with pie.

Put me on a diet 
(Sung to Take It to the limit)

All alone at the end of my dinner
With the carrots still fresh on my plate
I was thinking do really want to
blow it with a big piece of cake

You know I've always been an eater
(Can't put the fork down)
And the fat seems to pile on
(I'm as tall as I am around)
But the food I've eaten lately
Doesn't hit the spot, can't eat a lot,
I'm ready for a change

So put me on a diet
and show me you care
just put me on a diet
if you dare

I can spend all my time eating chocolates
I can spend all my time eating pie
But if the gravy boat ran out tomorrow
Would I still be fine?

When I'm looking for a diet
(I am the yo-yo man)
I need something that'll work
(A doable diet plan)
Cause I don't wanna die tomorrow,
If I don't stop, I'm gonna pop
the button on my jeans,

So put me on a diet
and show me you care
just put me on a diet
if you dare

Put me on a diet, ohhhhh
Put me on a diet, eeeeee
Put me...on a diet
If you dare

©P. Beckert

Monday, October 13, 2014

CA Woman Suffers Battle Fatigue After Making Anti-Mitch McConnell Robo Calls

A California woman is resting comfortably in LA General Hospital after suffering an ailment that until now had only manifested in soldiers fighting in overseas battles.

"She appears to have all the symptoms of battle fatigue," reports Dr. Euell Dye, the physician who first saw the woman in the emergency room.

"She came in late last night mumbling something about defeating Mitch McConnell, and then went on some sort of rant about snake-oil salesmen, and other odd couplings, leading us to believe she was either psychotic or suffering some sort of head trauma," he said.

"She kept spelling election, over and over and over again," said Dr. Dye. "We thought she was just losing her mind."

Doctors later came up with the battle fatigue diagnosis after studying the symptoms on the Mayo Clinic website and speaking with her husband, who accompanied her to the emergency room.

"It was a real head-scratcher there for a while," said Dr. Dye, "but all the pieces fell together after I talked with her husband."

The woman's husband filled in the pieces by telling the good doctor that his wife became symptomatic during her 5-hour stint at a local phone bank trying to talk sense into voters in the state of Kentucky.

"At that point, it became a no-brainer," said Dr. Dye. "The woman was fighting an uphill battle," he said, adding "no pun intended."

The woman requested her identity not be revealed for fear of retribution by the GOP, but she did give this statement:

"Hi, my name is mrumphhhmppph and I'm calling on behalf of to urge you not to vote for Mitch McConnell in the upcoming...." at which time the anti-psychotic pills the hospital had her on once again took her literally back to LaLa Land.