Wednesday, April 9, 2014

New Ted Cruz Book Uses Dr. Seuss as Inspiration

Texas Sen. Ted Cruz has announced a new book deal with HarperCollins that will purportedly earn him well into the six figures. The particulars of the book deal have yet to be announced, but insiders say it will most likely capitalize on Cruz' ability to nail the Dr. Seuss writing format, i.e. rhyming his words and repeating them ad nauseam. A title has been tentatively chosen: How Much Filibuster Can U Muster?

A spokesperson for Sen. Cruz, when reached for comment, had this to say:

"Ted Cruz has always been a great fan of Theodor Seuss Geisel, aka Ted, or more popularly known as
Dr. Seuss, and as such, he would like to remember the great Dr. Seuss by honoring him in his first non-coloring book venture out into the literary world."

Another reason Cruz has supposedly chosen this style of writing is because he "knows his audience," said the spokesperson.

"Sen. Cruz is well aware that the majority of his constituents from Texas are products of a sub-par state educational system that has devolved over the past decade or so under leaders such as Governor Rick Perry. As such, they may be able to read at only a second or third grade level at best," said Dolly DeLearned, Cruz's assistant who has been instrumental in getting Cruz to sign the book deal.

Ms. DeLearned was quick to point out that her last statement in no way diminished the greater good Gov. Rick Perry has done for Texas, including a push for expansion of the open-carry gun laws in the state, and making sure that Obamacare did not reach it's ugly hand into the state laws of Texas by forcing Perry to expand the state Medicaid program.

Sen. Cruz' first book, Cruz to the Future, was published in a coloring book format for exactly this reason, i.e. to reach as many of his adult constituents as he can without making them think too hard.

Asked for a reading from Cruz' upcoming book, Ms. DeLearned stated that although the Senator from Texas has yet to fully formulate his thoughts into text, she did read us a smidgeon from a cocktail napkin on which Cruz scribbled the following in crayon:

I do not like Obamacare,
I do not like it here nor there
I would not want it in my house
to cover me, my kids, or spouse,
I do not like Obamacare
something, something, anywhere.

It was pretty evident from that small bit of writing that Cruz may be on to something. If he can get six figures by ripping off one of the greatest children's book authors of all times, just think what he could do if he actually sat down and read half the bills introduced by both parties of the Senate.

Ms. DeLearned says Sen. Cruz will also devote a whole section of the book to Mitch McConnell, if he can find enough words to rhyme with the latter Senator's name.

Saturday, April 5, 2014

Song Parody - Unfriend Me (To Please Release Me by Engelbert Humperdinck)

Please Unfriend me let me go
You aren't someone I wish to know
I hope this doesn't make you sore,
Unfriend me, don't poke me anymore

At first, we laughed and joked around,
I picked you up when you were down
But lately you've become a bore
So unfriend me, don't bother me no more.

Please release me as your friend
This relationship has got to end,
How else can I get through to you?
Unfriend me cause I've unfriended you.

Please unfriend me, cause I've unfriended you.

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Jon Stewart Leaves the Daily Show, Starts JON Channel

The Daily Show is one man poorer this morning with the announcement that Jon Stewart is now rich enough to own himself and is quitting Comedy Central and the Daily Show with Jon Stewart.

Following in the footsteps of Oprah Winfrey with her development of her OWN (Oprah Winfrey Network) cable television network, Stewart has decided to start the JON (Jon's Own Network) cable television network, which should be up and operational by the end of April.

A spokesperson for HBO, owners of Comedy Central, where Jon Stewart has honed his craft as the top parody news show host on cable for the past 15 years, claims this move wasn't really a shock for anyone.

"Jon has been talking about going solo, or should I say, bigger, for about a year or so now," said Sheldon Finkelstein, programming director at Comedy Central and shareholder in the new JON venture.

Although Stewart's net worth, hovering around the $80 million mark, is nowhere near Oprah Winfrey's estimated $2.9 billion net worth, Stewart claims at the rate he was going, he would have had to be 147 years old to do anything on the grand scale of Oprah's network.

That is why he is starting small.

"I'm taking Colbert with me," said Stewart, speaking of course about Stephen Colbert, the other side of the hilarious Coin 'o Comedy, as he sometimes refers to Colbert and himself.

"Do I want Colbert on my team?" asked Jon. "Well, let me put it this way," he answered his own question with the now-famous quote by Mario Puzo, i.e. "Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer."

Because Comedy Central owns the rights to Stewart's name outright, and he can't buy his name back with the paltry amount he has in the bank, Stewart plans on changing his name to simply JON.

"It's a gamble," said the multi-talented comedian, writer, actor, and now owner of himself, "but in the long run, it's something I felt compelled to try."

Jon went on to say that he and Colbert had been planning this for quite some time, and with their combined net worth, they think they have a real shot at giving Comedy Central a run for its money.

"In the end," said Stewart, "it's not about making people laugh so much as it is a matter of pride.

"At what point do we ask ourselves, 'really? A black woman is one of the richest Americans on the planet?'"