Tuesday, July 19, 2016

GOP Up Shitz Creek; Calls in Turd Blossom to Rig Race

It is common knowledge that Donald Trump continues his popularity among the  conservative populace who aren't buying politics as usual anymore. They are fed up and want to see changes in the system and the White House. This makes the establishment GOP nervous as hell.

Obviously, their first choice for a presidential candidate is not one who appears to be a donkey in elephant's clothing. And they certainly do not want a candidate who doesn't know his place in the Presidential hierarchy, i.e. a level or two below House Speaker Paul Ryan and Senate Majority Leader, Mitch McConnell.

So, with Trump's popularity picking up more steam ahead of the NY primary elections, the establishment GOP is bringing in the big guns to hopefully quash, once and for all, his ambitions of being the next President of the United States. That's right. When all goes belly up in an election cycle, there is one person who can step up to the plate, play really, really dirty politics, and still come out smelling like a rose. Turd Blossom to the rescue.

Even though the jury is still out on whether or not the GOP establishment even likes Karl Rove, they do admit he is a mastermind when it comes to dirty politics. In fact, few people know that Rove was actually referred to as a "Teacher of Tricks" during the Watergate scandal. A scandal involving plumbers. Are we starting to see a connection here?

While he doesn't like to think of himself as a trickster, Turd Blossom does admit that the GOP is up Shitz Creek without him. Anybody still looking for a good plumber?

"I make no apologies for the things I've done in the past, whether it is gerry rigging…er I mean, gerrymandering an entire state (Texas), or an entire country to win Senate seats. I am the go-to guy to get things done."

Asked if gerrymandering would work in the case of Donald Trump and NY. He looked dumbfounded.

"Hell no," he said. "You are comparing apples to dumbbells. No, the only way to stop someone like Trump is you have to go off all Tonya Harding on him. But you didn't hear that from me."

In fact, after that statement, Rove refused to give any more details of how he has been plotting to derail the GOP frontrunner's chances of becoming the GOP presidential nominee. Last seen, he was hiding in the shadows, spittle coming from his grotesquely deformed smile as he counted the millions of dollars just handed off to him by someone looking eerily like Eddie Munster.

Meanwhile, upon hearing Rove's statement, Trump had his security beefed up and sent his private assistant out shopping for knee pads to match his bullet-proof vest.

In related political news on the Democratic side, NY Governor Andrew Cuomo has asked for an emergency meeting with the Supervisor of Elections to see if there is any way to raise the voting age ahead of the primary to 30 in an effort to keep young Democrats from voting overwhelmingly in favor of Bernie Sanders.

When asked about this latest measure, Cuomo simply stated "Hey, other states are doing way more dishonest stuff than us and getting away with it. This cuts down on having to employ extra help to switch party affiliations on the registered voter sheets."

More as we get it.

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

Paul Ryan Attacked by Pack of Angry Lemurs

Paul Ryan is back home in Wisconsin and resting comfortably after suffering an attack by a pack of angry lemurs at a Southwest Florida elementary school where Ryan was speaking last Friday. “He’s got a few nasty scratches,” said Ryan’s wife, Janna, “but doctors expect him to make a full recovery within a few weeks.”

The lemurs were being shown to a classroom of children at the same elementary school where Representative Ryan was asked to come speak to a noon assembly in the school’s cafetorium. Handlers at a nearby lemur research reserve, which houses roughly 40 lemurs, say they aren’t quite certain what got into the usually docile creatures; however, they have a theory.

“We have pretty much narrowed it down to a case of hungry lemurs that smelled some ripening bananas in the school’s lunch line,” said Kathy Mahnky, chief research assistant at the lemur facility.

“One minute all was going well,” she said. “The children were being allowed to get near the lemurs for a closer look, but then all of a sudden, without warning, they (the lemurs) took off down the hallway toward the cafetorium.” Eyewitnesses claim that at the same time the lemurs entered the cafetorium, Ryan was reaching for a bunch of ripened bananas to use in explaining his economic plan. Mahnky says that’s when the lemurs attacked.

One eyewitness, after finding out Ryan was not severely injured in the attack, remarked jokingly about what had recently occurred. “We’re taking bets that those lemurs weren’t necessarily after the fruit so much as they were most likely angry reincarnated senior citizens not happy with Ryan’s plan to do away with Social Security.”

Meanwhile, Ryan’s close advisers have advised him against using ripened fruit in any future presentations just to be on the safe side.

Saturday, June 11, 2016

Elizabeth Warren Seeks Professional Help for OCD After Endorsing Clinton

BOSTON - Sources close to Elizabeth Warren say the Massachusetts Senator has checked herself into the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder Institute, McLean Hospital, at Harvard Medical School. According to one source, Ms. Warren has not been able to stop showering since she endorsed Hillary Clinton as the Democratic Party Nominee for President.

"I just don't feel clean anymore," Ms. Warren was quoted as saying as she talked to the triage nurse in the admitting area of the Hospital.

"I think I need serious help," she wailed.

At one point during the admittance process, Sen. Warren excused herself to use the bathroom, and after several minutes in there, an aide went to check on her only to find her sitting on the floor next to the sink with several paper towels in hand trying to scrub her arms and legs.

"There is dirt everywhere," she muttered as she was escorted from the bathroom and admitted to the Institute.

When asked if her endorsement of Hillary Clinton had anything to do with her sudden urge to incessantly cleanse herself, Sen. Warren replied, "Well, I don't really know if it is my endorsement of Secretary Clinton, or my disdain for Donald Trump. All I can tell you is, I never felt this dirty going after Donald."

A hospital spokesperson said they will keep a close eye on Sen. Warren to make sure she doesn't do any more harm to herself.

Asked what a possible treatment might be for her, the doctor in charge of her case said it was too soon to tell, but he would not rule out getting in touch with the DNC and talking them into allowing her to back out of her endorsement.

"We are going to begin by showing Sen. Warren clips of Hillary Clinton speeches and determining if her behavior worsens. My guess is that she will immediately try to strong arm the aides into letting her take a shower, and if that is the case, we will have our culprit."

In the meantime, doctors have been trying to reach Bernie Sanders for an impromptu intervention, but have been unsuccessful. They were told he was in meetings all weekend and could not be disturbed. When told about Sen. Warren's condition, he simply said "Elizabeth who?"