Saturday, August 16, 2014

Local Woman Needs Button Replacements After Husband Wears Them Out

Marjorie Shuway is recovering nicely after a button transplant was performed throughout various parts of her body. The Buttonectomy was the first of its kind done anywhere in the world, but doctors believe that once the word gets out about the success of the operation, many more women will be lining up for the procedure.

"Normally, this would be a simple outpatient procedure," said Dr. Kloitus, a self-described lifestyle-change surgeon who agreed to work on Mrs. Shuway at no cost.

"In Marjorie's case, this was about the most extreme case of button pushing we'd ever seen. What with two teenage daughters, both of whom are quite popular in school, and a husband who still thinks that a woman's place is in the home and refusing to help her out around the house, her patience has worn pretty thin of late. She needs a couple days' rest in the hospital to help her adjust to having new buttons to push."

Dr. Kloitus also said that she and another doctor are working on thickening up her patient's patience as well, but will wait until she has fully recovered from the buttonectomy to perform that procedure.

Doctors claim the new buttons are computerized and will come ready to adapt to any situation.

"Say Marjorie asks her husband to take out the trash, and Jim (Shuway) tells his wife that he'll do it after the game, like he does every Monday night during football season. All Marjorie has to do is switch to automatic override on her new button system, and voila, she is telling Jim that he will no longer be able to use that tired old excuse anymore and if he doesn't take out the trash right away, his dinner the next night is going to be a non-issue."

"We have created a manual that goes along with the button override full of situations and how to handle them," said Dr. Hilary Ousenstein, co-inventor of the buttonectomy. Now, instead of Mrs. Shuway being taken advantage of by her family through no fault of her own (i.e. having a faulty and outdated button system), she has now been given the tools to handle every situation with total aplomb."

So, now that buttonectomys are becoming all the rage with overworked wives and mothers, what is next for the lifestyle-change physicians?

"Well," said Dr. Ousenstein, "we are actually working on a new personal GPS that will be implanted in the brain of women who are being pushed and pulled in all directions."

The new GPS system, which has not yet been given a name, will self-right any woman who is feeling anything from being squeezed out of money for a new pair of the latest athletic shoes to trying to figure out how to get Katie to dance recitals at the same time Johnny has soccer practice."

Drs. Kloitus and Ousenstein claim there are women lined around the block to have these new systems implanted into their bodies.

"Forget botox and tummy tucks," said Ousenstein. "Getting and keeping control of familial situations is the wave of the future for many women."


Thursday, August 14, 2014

Hillary Clinton Obviously Not Aware Obama Cannot Run for Third Term

Alex Brandon/AP Photo
In case no one has noticed lately, it seems former Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton, has been a bit passive aggressive in her treatment of her former boss, President Obama.

She came at him with both barrels last week, lambasting his skills on the international front and his handling of the Middle Eastern crisis, and then whammo, she starts talking about hugging him when next they meet, and telling the press she really does admire him. Ok, so she states he doesn't know what he's doing when it comes to foreign affairs, but is proud of him?

What's up with that? Hormonal changes? Possibly. But honestly, it looks more like she's stuck in perpetual "running for President" mode, trying to cut her own swatch out of the foreign affairs fiasco quilt that is quickly unraveling before our very eyes. But going after the guy whom she needs badly to help her win a possible nomination as Democratic candidate for President certainly begs some kind of explanation. Perhaps she feels confident in the fact that the only other guy who holds sway over the 2016 Democratic primary nominations is her own husband, Bill. With Bill on her side, who needs old Mr. what's his name?

So, what about Bill Clinton, while we're on the subject. Possibly, she is having a tough time with him and subconsciously taking it out on Obama. I mean, look at him (Obama that is). He's successful, his marriage is solid, his kids are way cute. To fill his shoes, which appear to be about a size 13 if not larger, she is going to have to come out of the gate half cocked and loaded for bear, not unlike a certain other female politician from the other party who has not yet made her intentions clear on whether or not to run for the White House herself.

But enough of Sarah Palin already. It is pure conjecture, but it would appear that Hillary Clinton is gunning for Obama to show she can take on the biggest dog in the Democratic pound. Fair enough. What about Elizabeth Warren?


"Oh her!" said Clinton at a recent fundraiser. "I've challenged her to a cookie bake off and she hasn't accepted yet. Guess we know who's afraid of whom now, don't we?"

Monday, August 11, 2014

Austinites Dumbfounded Over Forbes Pick of Washington D.C. as Coolest City

Citizens of Austin, Texas are said to be somewhat confused over a new Forbes Magazine article naming Washington, D.C. the coolest city in America. But, true to their calm nature, they are taking the designation in stride.

"Forbes is losing its grip on reality," said one Austin City dweller, who claims she moved there from Washington specifically to see what it was like to live in a cool college town.

Sienna Torreid, originally born in Washington, D.C., claims growing up in the nation's capital was a bit like 'living with your grandfather all the time.'  

"I never saw so many old farts in my life," claims the 27-year old marketing analyst. "The only thing cool about Washington, D.C. is the weather. In fact, it can get downright cold there," said Torreid.

Torreid is thinking of putting together a petition to get the President to sign an executive order disallowing Forbes to publish inane poll results.

But Austin did make it into the top ten, coming in third just behind Seattle.

"Sure, Seattle, I can believe," said Torreid. "I mean it is the home of grunge rock. Grunge rock is way cooler than politics," she concluded, "but not as cool as weird."