Saturday, September 6, 2014

Clinton Township Police Blotter – Bigfoot Sighting

[Ed. Note: An Old Story from 2009 for your reading pleasure]

Mt. Clemens, MI – Seems with the cold weather approaching, there has been a rash of bigfoot sightings in the Mt. Clemens area, the most recent occurring last Sunday behind the local Buffalo Wild Wings Grill & Bar out on 15 Mile Road in Clinton Township. Officer Stan Down was called to the scene by BWW employee, Lou Klively, who was visibly shaken by what he saw. 

“Yeah, I was goin’ out there to throw out the trash like I always do, and about this time I sees this big hairy thing not more’n 10 feet from me take off into the woods right over there,” he said pointing to a thicket of bushes and trees that line a creek area just west of the strip mall.

While it was hard for Klively to give a complete description of the person or thing that he saw, he is almost 100% positive it was one sort of bigfoot or another. 

Said Kively, “Now I know it weren’t no Yeti cause they live up in the mountains or something, and I can’t say for sure if it was a sasquatch or a skunk ape, cause although it did smell a bit out here, that coulda been the rancid butter sauce I threw out earlier. So I’m gonna go with saying I’m 99% sure it was just your average bigfoot feller.”

Officer Down, during his investigation, found what he first thought might be human finger bones, cracked at the knuckles, but upon closer examination, he determined they were, in fact, chicken bones. Bigfoot creatures are known to like marrow and, during the colder months especially, it is an essential part of their diet. However, over on the other side of the dumpster there appeared to be half of a larger than human footprint in a puddle of bleu cheese dressing, obviously spilled by the creature when he was startled by Kively. 

“Yeah, he was out here having himself a meal alright,” said Officer Down. 

“The only thing missing was the crudité platter.”

Willow Creek, CA bigfoot expert, Homer Dickson III, son of Dick Dickson, one of the most famous bigfoot hunters in the country, is flying out next week to investigate the sighting and see if he can locate any more information about this particular band of bigfeet that seem to be living very close to the BWW. According to Dickson, sightings of bigfoot creatures are up all over the country. 

"When times are lean for America, that means, they are lean for all creatures. With fewer Americans having the time or the money to camp out in the woods, these creatures are being forced to forage for food where they would not normally do so, i.e. in dumpsters behind strip malls. There have been a rash of sightings over in Kings Mill out behind the Walmart over there and we're gonna investigate those sightings as well while we're in Michigan," he said.

The mayor of Mt. Clemens, Barb D. Empsey, welcomes the Dicksons with open arms. 

“Folks around here have been on edge, claiming they’re seeing things and wondering if they’ll be next to run into one of these bigfeet creatures. Although we can’t be sure they exist, it can’t hurt to have these guys come out here with their chrome magnonmeters and their electronosphincters to test the area for possible infestation. Until they give the all clear, I’m urging all Mt. Clemens citizens to stay in their homes and only go out at night if absolutely necessary.”

Monday, September 1, 2014

How to Get the Most Out of Your Labor Day Weeke...Oh Look a Squirrel!

In honor of all those hard-working people who are taking a day off (actually, only the people lucky enough to have bosses who still consider Labor Day a holiday and not an excuse to make their people work even harder), I've decided to post here some of my musings on the Labor Day holiday in the style of the late, great humor writer, Shel Silverstein. Since I am hardly as prolific or humorous as Mr. Silverstein, and since this is technically my day off from doing any kind of work, including writing, today's post will be short and sweet.

Today is labor day
As most of you know
We take off work
and bask in the glow
of a job well-done
the fortunate one
who at least has a job to
stay home from.


Where else but in American do
we take a day off to relax and reward
ourselves for being hard workers and then
call it Labor Day.


If you have to work on Labor Day
And can't be outside to enjoy it
Remember that it is only a day
And at least you are employed.


Today's the day to sing and dance
Today's the day to wear no pants
Just sit and watch T.V. all day
And labor less,
It's Labor Day.
Unless you are a retail clerk
Put on your pants and go to work.


Saturday, August 30, 2014

Burger King Announces Lettuce Shaped Like Dollar Bills on Whoppers

Get a load of that lettuce!
Burger King, the whopper giant that sits perpetually in the cool shade of its rival McDonald's, when it comes to corporate profits, has come up with a clever marketing ploy to make more money for itself.

Many would say it's the news that BK is attempting to buy Canadian donut giant, Tim Hortons in order to change their corporate ownership over from US to Canadian, to avoid having to pay corporate income taxes on the whole shebang, but no, that isn't it. While that is a pretty crafty ploy, the marketing people aren't quite as savvy as BK's financial folks when it comes to staying afloat in the burger turd business so to speak.

No, BK has partnered with Monsanto, the genetically modified foods giant to produce lettuce that actually is greener and has a pattern on each leaf resembling a dollar bill. The "lettuce" (see how they used the slang term for money and substituted the real food item here--pure marketing genius) will be placed on every Whopper sold at Burger King, replacing the ordinary lettuce they are currently using.

The genius who came up with this idea, Buster Banks, head of marketing over at Burger King, couldn't quite believe it when the Burger King himself decreed this to be a million-dollar idea, especially in light of the fact that Banks admittedly came up with the marketing ploy after a late-night excursion to the local bar had him waking up on the loading docks of a local produce company in Miami.

"There I was," said Banks. "I worked late the night before. Me and a couple of the guys stopped off at Johnny Martini's for a quick one that turned into a few more, and don't you know the next morning I'm waking up on a loading dock among some of the freshest produce I've ever seen," he marveled.

"I'm not sure if I dreamed the idea or if it came to me as I was removing a piece of wilted lettuce from my empty wallet that lay alongside me, but they say that is how good ideas come to light. Money lettuce was born, well, maybe not born, but definitely conceived by a mad man, or in this case, an 'ad' man," he quipped.

"I was as shocked as anyone that after royally screwing up the Subservient Chicken ad campaign, I was finally able to produce (pun intended) a newer, fresher, and more believable marketing idea," he said.

"Who knew cockfighting chickens were a no-no in ad campaigns to sell chicken sandwiches."

BK expects to have the new "Dollar Whoppers" on the market come spring, giving Monsanto enough time to split the genes, synthetically mess with the DNA of the iceberg lettuce they will be using, and grow and harvest their first batch of dollar bills for the sandwiches. And while you may think that Dollar Whopper means the whopper will be selling for only a buck, think again. The Dollar Whopper will actually sell for more due to the increase in marketing and other costs associated with making such a specialized burger.

Asked if Burger King thinks this new idea will create enough ad revenue to outshine McDonald's in their age-old burger wars, BK VP Col. Mustard replied "We are quite confident that our lettuce will create the lettuce (pun intended) needed to buy Russian fast food giant, Teremok (Russian: Tepemok), and get a toe-hold in the borscht business. And from there, who knows? We may just take over the souvlaki fast food giants in Greece."