Dick Cheney’s Duels Not Debates Suggestion Wows NRA

Official Dueling Pistols of the 2012 Presidential Campaign

Just when you thought Dick Cheney couldn’t top himself for thinking way out of the box, he comes up with another great idea, at least in the eyes of the NRA.

On a weekend news show, Cheney announced his latest plan to make the 2012 Presidential campaign something to write home about.

“It’s called Duels not Debates,” said Cheney, “and basically it is exactly what it sounds like. Let’s get Mitt and Barack out there someplace, preferably a western location, and have ourselves an old-fashioned duel.”

Cheney poo-poohed the idea that a duel was a bit too dangerous, possibly ending in disaster for at least one of the candidates.

“Really? What about Andrew Jackson? He participated in a duel with Charles Dickinson in 1806 and ended up becoming the only President to kill a man in a duel. Oh wait, bad example,” he said with a wry smile. “Let me give you a better example.”

Cheney then went on to cite other instances where duels solved political arguments without either party suffering serious injury. Cheney claims that while dueling is an extreme form of settling issues, it is quite an effective method of spurring on agreement quicker than any debate can.

“Ask any real American what he would prefer, and I can guarantee, hands down, he’ll choose a duel over a debate any day,” said Cheney, who bases his opinion on an informal poll he took at a recent gun show in Roanoke, Virginia. He claims the men he asked gave an overwhelmingly “thumbs-up” sign to the duel.

“Back in the days when men were men, duels were the preferred method of settling political debates, so why shouldn’t we at least consider this as an option in this year’s election?”

“Uh, because someone might get killed?” asked the interviewer.

“Look,” replied Cheney, “You give me and Ted Nugent just one weekend alone in the woods with Mitt Romney, and I guarantee we’ll have us a Presidential winner, and all Obama will lose is maybe a bit of pride.”

Truck Spills 55,000 Pounds of Beer; Obama Declares Day of Mourning

Bongo was specially trained for just
this type of disaster

VOLUSIA COUNTY, FL - A semi truck carrying thousands of gallons of beer overturned in Volusia County early Tuesday morning, spilling beer over the northbound lanes of I-95.

Police say hundreds of cases of bottled beer were lost in one of the worst beer spills in recent history.

The driver, Spuds Rodriguez from Miami, who suffered nothing more than a bruised ego, claims another semi forced him off the road, causing him to lose control of the truck carrying the valuable cargo. Here’s what he had to say:

“Oh mi Dios.”

Several people stopped to try and salvage what was left of the broken bottles of beer but many were so devastated, they could only stand around shaking their heads. At one point, Police had to protect Rodriguez from a growing angry mob.

One driver, who’d been training his dog Bongo for years to fetch him his beer from a fridge was the only level-headed bystander around. Police did stop him but not before he was able to get quite a bit of the unbroken bottles safely to his Jeep.

Upon word of the spill, President Obama ordered all work to stop at the White House and asked for a moment of prayer. He also asked Congress to pass an emergency measure to make May 22^nd a national day of mourning. Flags around the country were expected to fly at half mast, and it is quite possible that Bongo will receive the Congressional Medal of Honor for his heroic effort in trying to save the few beer bottles that survived the horrific crash.

Analysts Indicate Facebook Users Could Take Down Facebook in a Heartbeat

While Facebook boasts that its users cannot live without it, the truth is that without its users, Facebook could not survive. The highly touted public offering has finally arrived, but there is just one huge thing that puts a damper on all those billions changing hands as we speak…Facebook is nothing without its users, those fickle, fickle people who think nothing of friending someone one day and then unfriending them the next.

Not the sort of thing a company can really base a financial standing on then is it? These days, all it takes is a couple of keystrokes and a major petition drive is moments away from adding thousands or even millions of dissidents to their cause--with the right momentum of course.

In Facebook’s case, the entire future of the company relies on what made it so popular in the first place…being able to voice your opinion about what is near and dear to your heart. Those with the most friends get the most hits, and just like a high school clique, you’re in one day, out the next.

When going public, a company must show that it can post earnings to back up its worth. Facebook, while continuing to tell everyone it is worth more than the estimated $104 Billion dollars the IPO could bring in, cannot really prove that it will make a dime after the IPO, especially if the bulk of its users decided to stop using it and go to other social media sites such as Google + or Pinterest or better yet, join Facebook Users Anonymous to rid themselves of their Facebook addictions altogether.

“If a goodly number of Facebook users decided they didn’t like the fact that someone was making that much money off them while they got nothing more than a free pass to talk to their friends, which they could still do over the phone or by e-mail anyway, Facebook could make, and lose, approximately $100 Billion dollars literally within hours of each other,” said one financial adviser who claims that those who invested already in Facebook have a 50/50 chance of making lots of money or losing their shirts.

"So, while they may tell you that it is more complicated than that, the truth of the matter is, Facebook better be kissing some grassroots heiney big time, cause if there’s one thing I know about myself and my friends, we don’t like being taken for granted. More than that, though, we love a good joke if it plays out right."

He then added "The future of Facebook is literally in our hands. Say, wouldn’t it be funny if…"