Saturday, December 20, 2014

USPS Stops Deliveries in Several US States Due to Low Mail Volume

The United States Postal service today announced plans to cut back, severely curtail, or not deliver mail at all to several US states due to a low volume of mailings this past year. The states affected so far by this decision are Nebraska, Kansas, Montana, and Wyoming. Utah, made the cut as well, but not because of a low mail volume, but for the mere fact that Christmas is the busiest time of the year, and no Christmas packages are ever mailed by Mormons.

The formal announcement to each of these states' postal customers individually will take place sometime in January, and the official closing of the non-producing post offices is scheduled to begin in February.

What about the people who actually still use the USPS in these states? Well, said the US Postal Inspector, they can use one of the other services for their packages, and they can e-mail and phone everyone else.

While the original plan was to make the cutbacks to keep the USPS out of bankruptcy, as the figures now stand, that won't be until at least another dozen states go on the chopping block. In the meantime, you can rest assured that the USPS will deliver the same sub-standard services as in the past, just on a smaller scale.

Thursday, December 18, 2014

Enclave of Rich White Folk Claim They are Last True Americans

A small group of rich, white people calling themselves TruMericans have begun work on a 100-acre piece of property in the heart of heartland, America, to turn it into their very own enclave where they can all practice shared values without outside, i.e. illegal alien, and/or governmental interference. The group makes the lofty claim that they are now the only true Americans in America. They have even gone so far as to trademark the name TruMerica.

Notwithstanding the Indians, whom some members acknowledge they aren't really sure if they (the Indians) are even American or human for that matter, TruMericans believe they have searched enough 2010 U.S. Census data to validate their claim.

"The only names you will find among us," said John Smith, "are Smith, Miller, and Johnson."

Members had to face a stringent genome testing program to determine if they had even a drop of anything other than white in them. When told that everyone, even the whitest of white folk, can be directly linked back to a black woman, they had the testing agent banned from ever releasing this information to the public. Somehow, it slipped out. But that little anomaly is not going to make the rich, white folks abandon a dream they have been planning for over two years, when they first believed with every fiber of their being that the Apocalypse was going to happen on 12/21/12.

According to Smith, when the end didn't come, the group decided that as much as they were hoping to be a part of Armageddon, the best they could do is hole up on some podunk little piece of property and call it an enclave.

Ironically, the only other people allowed to live on TruAmerica soil are a handful of Mexican migrant workers and a few Japanese gardeners.

"We had to find a way to sustain ourselves, and we naturally looked toward the cheapest and most effective way to do that. Mexicans were the obvious choice, especially undocumented ones. They plant a mean crop. In addition, they won't run, they won't tell, they don't want to get deported. End of story," said the self-proclaimed leader of the clan, David Miller.

As for the gardeners, Miller was incredulous that we would even ask such a question.

"The Japanese are known for their gardening skills, and this enclave will have its share of mansions. Imagine what the place would look like if we were left to fend for ourselves."

Smith admitted there are a few kinks to work out and it may involve letting a few more non-white, non-Americans into the mix, but they claim to have a strict policy of no enclave members fraternizing with "the help."

"They (the help) know their place, and they know we are heavily armed with the finest ammo money can buy. I don't think they are going anyplace," he said with a wily grin.

And the kinks?

"Well, let's just say that we have 21st Century technology at our fingertips, and some of us might even know how to change the oil in our personal vehicles, but so far, none of us have the know-how to keep a vintage Army High-Speed Artillery Tractor running."

While they are merely rumors at this point, some speculate that TruMerica is the brainchild of former Vice President, Dick Cheney. However, that simply cannot be the case due to the fact that his last name is a disqualifier for him or his family joining the group. But who knows? He could have secretly changed his name to any of the surnames stated above. The most appropriate would be Dick Johnson.

We'll keep you posted.

Saturday, November 29, 2014

Black Friday Specials to Include Cheap Grocery Items

Women, Infants and Children (WIC) take heart. This year, Black Friday specials offered by stores such as Wal-Mart, K-Mart, Target, Sam’s Club and others aren’t all about the X-Box. They are all about survival. Instead of offering Wii’s for less than $100 and gaming equipment for a third of its original cost, these stores are offering milk at half price, cheese below the manufacturer’s cost, and cereal for next to nothing.

Gone are the days of the $200 laptop computer and Call of Duty Black Ops being offered for less than $30. The majority of Americans are out of work and now, since their unemployment benefits have expired, are left with little to spend on expensive electronics. The big retailers know this and know that the most popular gift item this season is the gift of life. Hunger is going to be a big problem, but not if most heads of household shop during one of the many Black Friday events taking place between now and Christmas.

While the term “Black Friday” has taken on almost a literal meaning, it doesn’t have to be as bleak as everyone is making it out to be. Those who simply can’t afford gifts can still use their saved up food stamps to buy some darn good Christmas gifts for their families.

So what if your teenage daughter doesn’t get the i-Phone she’s been jonesing for. She will be pleased as punch to get a box of macaroni and cheese and a tin of tuna after having gone a day or two without dinner. And for your son, who just this once wanted a brand new football so he could play catch with his dad, he’ll understand when instead, he gets a 12-pack of Ramen noodles and a half-gallon of milk. Heck, the specials are so special this year, you may even be able to afford to give him chocolate milk for an extra special treat.

Yes, Black Friday used to be about running up high credit card balances and giving your kids what they want. Now, since all credit has virtually dried up and the banks are either closed or hanging out their Scrooge shingles, you can still give your kids a Christmas to remember--the gift of survival, thanks to all those caring retailers out there who understand just exactly what the hottest selling items on the market are this season.