Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Trump Roast to Replace Inauguration to Entice Big Name Performers

It was announced today the Inauguration of Donald Trump on Friday, January 20, will be transformed from an Inauguration to a Roast to allow talent agents a fighting chance at securing quasi-big names at the last minute to perform at the event.

"This was the only way we could get some relatively top names, or at the very least, some mediocre talent to Washington," said Molly Hatchet, top talent scout hired by Trump's team to bring big names to the inauguration.

While no one at the talent agency has had the courage to advise Trump of this major change, they are going ahead with the plans and hoping for the best.

"Look, he has his (tiny) hands full already just satisfying the needs of his brooding family members, who are jockeying for top positions in the White House. He doesn't have time to worry about who isn't coming to his big party," said a senior Trump advisor.

So far, it is believed that Don Rickles will be Master of Ceremonies for the Roast, followed by celebrities such as Rob Schneider, Dennis Miller, Greg Gutfield and possibly more as yet to be announced. Victoria Jackson will be the only female among the crowd and has graciously agreed to allow the male members to poke fun at her for additional comic relief.

Theme music for the event will be performed by a new band out of Michigan known as Humongous Clusterfuck, personally handpicked by Mr. Trump himself because, as he stated, "Anything with humongous in it, gets my ok."

Hatchett also confirmed that the country duo, Big and Rich, will be performing at what is being titled the Pre-(Mature) Inaugural Ball. When told of this booking, Trump supposedly replied, "yes, I'm big and I'm rich, but who will be our musical talent?"

Trump says of the Pre-Ball that there will be lots of pretty women, lots of Trump wine, a little bit of Don King if he bathes, and lots of whatever the hell else goes on at these kind of parties. No cameras will be allowed at the Ball, but masks are welcomed.

Vladimir Putin has allegedly been invited to the Ball, but has declined the invitation telling news sources in Russia that he is having trouble getting his papers in order to travel at this time (which when translated, reads "he's getting his chest waxed.") In his place, Putin will be sending a few hand-picked Russian beauties to attend the pre-Inaugural Balls.

Putin did confirm he will attend a post-Inaugural Ball that will take place in the Lincoln Bedroom of the White House, scheduled after Trump takes possession of said Presidential Palace, er White House.


In other news, it was announced today that immediately following his taking the oath of office, Trump is expected to award himself the Congressional Medal of Honor; however, he will be renaming it the Great Congressional Medal of Honor in honor of his greatness. Stay tuned.

Monday, January 2, 2017

Trump Resigns Over Mandatory Reading Assignments from DOD

Trump After Realizing DOD Doesn't Stand for Dept. of Donald
President-elect, Donald Trump resigned as President Monday, shortly after arriving in Manhattan for a  briefing with the Department of Defense. Details are still coming in, but some say the reason for his resignation has to do with a reading assignment he was given shortly before the holiday break.

Mr. Trump was on his way to meeting with the DOD in the wee hours Monday morning when advised by his advisor that he would be required to answer questions relating to the information provided in the top secret briefing memos.

Not one to shirk his responsibilities, the Donald fired off a tweet that said "I know everything. I don't need a briefing to know everything, but I'll go."

About two minutes into the briefing, Trump came out of the room appearing confused and nonplussed. He agreed to a short 20-second press briefing.

"I kept getting these e-mails from the DOD and I wondered, 'why are they calling it DOD?' Then it dawned on me, they must be talking about Department of Donald, and well, I already know what I know so why should I read something that I know I know? But I decided, ok, I'll go just in case there is something they might not know, and need me to clear things up for them."

"Besides," he said, "they always serve the best croissants at these breakfast meetings."

After the Donald spoke, a reporter whispered to Dennis Rodman, who was standing beside Trump waving a N. Korean flag, and Dennis whispered to Trump.

Seemingly unfazed, Trump then announced, "Well folks, it appears DOD stands for Department of Defense. Who knew? You coulda knocked me over with a comb. But that's ok, I'll just resign."

Turning to no one in particular, he added "I can do that can't I? I mean, I don't have to be President if I don't want to do I?"

While the question seemed rhetorical and just a tad elementary, a reporter from NPR, who had been hiding in the back of the briefing room the whole time in order to escape detection by the President-elect, spoke up.


"No, Mr. Almost President, you don't."

Thursday, December 29, 2016

How the Trump Stole America


Politics in America had suffered a blow
Americans were fed up with the status quo
Obama did what he could with what given
The red states were mad, they were hellbent and driven

Give us a new leader, give us fresh meat
A guy who knows how to make money and tweet
That's all that they needed, no more and no less
Could that guy be found? It was anyone's guess

Then out from a rock came an orange-shaded man
Whose hair was combed over, his body fake tan

Republicans fell one by one in debate
to his promise of making America great

When down to two choices, the people did cry
Why hadn't we chosen the blue Birdie guy
The choices were pared down--one lady, one man
A woman with balls 'gainst a guy with small hands.

The voters had spoken, and held out the hope
That electors would wise up and see through this joke
There were no more chances, the election was over
America faced a Trump White House Takeover

The folks who had voted the Charlatan in
Didn't know what they bargained for letting Trump win
I'll stop social programs, you'll have nowhere to go
for your handouts, your food stamps, your government dole

Your paydays will dwindle, You'll beg for my mercy
Especially Chris Christie and his goons in New Jersey.
Latinos, and Muslims, and foreigners all
I'll send you a packin' and I'll build a wall

I'll think up new taxes, new tariffs and fees,
Until it's not profitable for the Chinese.
I'll rape the land and cut down all your trees,
Why I'll even deplete all the birds and the bees

Then the President laughed, yes he laughed till he cried
He looked in the camera with a face full of snide.
I told you I’d do it, I said I would win
You fell for my lies and my fakey false grin

No longer will this be a government for all
My mission's to watch your democracy fall
He finished his tirade by blowing a kiss and said
Thanks for the votes, now you all are dismissed.


©P. Beckert 2016