Saturday, July 4, 2015

God Bless My Barbeque

Ed Note: I salute the flag, but more importantly, I salute the men and the occasional woman, who have gone to great lengths to make the BBQ grill their blackened idol... this can be sung to America the Beautiful or said as a solemn prayer, your choice. 

(Sung to God Bless America)

God bless my barbeque
Smoke pit and all

I will cherish
And care for it

Through the summer
And into the fall,

From a brisket
to a weiner

To the primest
cut of meat,

God bless my barbeque
It can't be beat

God bless my barbeque
Now let's go eat.

Saturday, June 6, 2015

Losers Claim Win-Win Just a Ploy to Sell Books

Losers around the world are waking up today to the sad realization that regardless of what they've been told in school and the workplace, the win-win scenario just doesn't exist.

"It's a ploy," said Ben Down from Montauk, NY, who admits he spent thousands on self-help, "feel good" books and tapes before realizing it was all a scam.

"I played along for most of my life and look where it's gotten me," he said from the sad little 8 x 10 room he now calls home at the Happy-go-Lucky Retirement Home just a few blocks from where he once lived.

Down and millions like him say they would love to blow the cover off the win-win folks, but they simply don't have a clue as to who they might be. More importantly, most losers say they just don't have the gumption. 

"Oh, I tried to grab life by the balls many a time," he said, "but just could never get a good grip on 'em and ended up saying the hell with it. Maybe I took that term a little too literally," he said nodding off to sleep, waking up long enough to add "Falderdall," before slumping into a restful nap.

Many others are telling similar stories.

"Oh yeah, I hear opportunity knocking all right," said Dee Flayted, "but before I can even get the door all the way open, some snot-nosed kid down the hall slams up against it and smashes it back into my face. Win-win, whatta laugh," she said scornfully.

Flayted says she even dished out a bunch of money to attend a leadership conference.

"Things were going well until someone said to me 'positive and negative are directions. Which direction do you choose?' I chose down."

Said Flayted, "When you experience your first win-lose situation, you may as well resign yourself to the fact that lose-lose is just around the corner."

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Idaho State Senator Furious Over Virtual Lap Dance Ban

Ed. Note: First published last year around CPAC Convention time.

BOISE, Idaho - Sen. Sam Getzless of Pocatello, Idaho is fuming mad about the recent bill passed in his state banning virtual lap dances, otherwise known as "laptop dances." Getzless claims the ban will affect roughly half the population as roughly half the residents of Idaho are male. Roughly.

"What a man does in the privacy of his own home should be sacred," said Getzless, after waiting for the results of a vote on the Senate floor. When the vote finally came in narrowly in favor of banning the virtual sexual activity on any laptop anywhere in the state of Idaho, Getzless could not contain his anger at his fellow lawmakers.

"Well, folks, there goes Idaho's chances of ever hosting a CPAC convention!" he screamed to a packed Senate.

The bill is expected to be signed into law next week.

"I can't speak for the rest of Idaho, but I can say that my own city, Pocatello, has always been known as Smile City, but after today, we will most likely have to change our motto to Grimace City,'" said Getzless, in an overly dramatic post-vote speech.

Getzless says he's going to fight the law by every means possible.

"Pocatello is also known as Gate City," added Getzless, "and if we aren't careful, it's gonna turn very quickly into 'Gay City' after today's vote."

The Senator was asked if that should even be a bona fide argument, as Getzless himself just stated that what a man does in his own home should be sacred. Getzless just stared blankly at the reporter and continued his tirade.

"I believe banning this particular online sex act is just the first step toward making Idaho another Utah," said Getzless.

A quick check of the state statutes shows a fairly new law on the books allowing pole dancing in the privacy of one's home. Asked if he could just get his wife to do a pole dance for him instead of making such a fuss about laptop dancing, the Senator responded, "Have you seen my wife?"

The Senator claims the fight isn't over.

"I think there is a good chance I can sway the opinion of the Governor and get him to veto this bill," he said.

"There ain't but a couple strip clubs in the city of Pocatello, but I'll find a nice decent one and invite his honor to accompany me one evening to see for himself just how important lap dances are."

Asked why he doesn't just invite the Governor to his home to enjoy a laptop dance, Getzless admitted he would if he thought it would change the Governor's mind, but his wife has banned all internet from his home.