Saturday, April 19, 2014

Miley Cyrus Grounded by Her Father, Billy Ray

It was reported Friday, that Miley Cyrus is postponing her Bangerz tour in the U.S. until August due to illness. However, that was just a cover up to the real story.

In fact, it is her father who has finally put his foot down and has grounded Miley for four months, which he says is about long enough to get some new costumes made that, in his words, "will bring back the Hannah Montana we all knew and loved."

Billy Ray Cyrus announced today that his daughter, Miley, won't be performing the remainder of her U.S. concerts due to the fact that he's had it with having to deal with slobbering old men attending her concerts and grabbing at her while she tries to get into her limo.

"For Chrissakes, people, she's only a child!" Cyrus screamed into the mikes thrust in his face after his announcement.

For once, the overly-permissive father has taken a stand and said no more.

"We've tried time outs," said Cyrus, "and they just don't work with Miley. "She just sneaks off to practice her twerking in the studio downstairs," he said.

"Enough of the bumping and grinding already. We get it. You have a no-no down there, ok Miley?" Cyrus screamed, letting his frustrations out in no particular order.

Meanwhile, his wife Tish is devastated.

"I've been living vicariously through Miley for over two years now, and all that is coming to a screeching halt because Billy Ray has suddenly 'found Jesus...again'" said the overly indulgent Tish.

"I hate cowgirl boots, and now I'll have to wear them to every concert again," she said as she stomped out of the room.

She was so hurt, in fact, she could not finish the interview and instead went to get botox injections to ease her pain.

Asked what Miley will do this summer if she can't perform, Cyrus answered "Well, I'm thinking maybe she can go down to the local homeless shelter and help sling hash for the downtrodden."

"Like hell I will," screamed Miley from the basement.

Interestingly, this was the first interview with the entire Miley family that went fairly well for Billy Ray as he indicated, "well, at least I have a lock on the outside of the door to the 'twerk-out' room."

As a follow up to this interview, we spoke to a few people who run the homeless shelters in Los Angeles, and they admit they would love to have Miley come and help feed the homeless, "but only if she wears that hot number with the white gorilla arms."

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

New Ted Cruz Book Uses Dr. Seuss as Inspiration

Texas Sen. Ted Cruz has announced a new book deal with HarperCollins that will purportedly earn him well into the six figures. The particulars of the book deal have yet to be announced, but insiders say it will most likely capitalize on Cruz' ability to nail the Dr. Seuss writing format, i.e. rhyming his words and repeating them ad nauseam. A title has been tentatively chosen: How Much Filibuster Can U Muster?

A spokesperson for Sen. Cruz, when reached for comment, had this to say:

"Ted Cruz has always been a great fan of Theodor Seuss Geisel, aka Ted, or more popularly known as
Dr. Seuss, and as such, he would like to remember the great Dr. Seuss by honoring him in his first non-coloring book venture out into the literary world."

Another reason Cruz has supposedly chosen this style of writing is because he "knows his audience," said the spokesperson.

"Sen. Cruz is well aware that the majority of his constituents from Texas are products of a sub-par state educational system that has devolved over the past decade or so under leaders such as Governor Rick Perry. As such, they may be able to read at only a second or third grade level at best," said Dolly DeLearned, Cruz's assistant who has been instrumental in getting Cruz to sign the book deal.

Ms. DeLearned was quick to point out that her last statement in no way diminished the greater good Gov. Rick Perry has done for Texas, including a push for expansion of the open-carry gun laws in the state, and making sure that Obamacare did not reach it's ugly hand into the state laws of Texas by forcing Perry to expand the state Medicaid program.

Sen. Cruz' first book, Cruz to the Future, was published in a coloring book format for exactly this reason, i.e. to reach as many of his adult constituents as he can without making them think too hard.

Asked for a reading from Cruz' upcoming book, Ms. DeLearned stated that although the Senator from Texas has yet to fully formulate his thoughts into text, she did read us a smidgeon from a cocktail napkin on which Cruz scribbled the following in crayon:

I do not like Obamacare,
I do not like it here nor there
I would not want it in my house
to cover me, my kids, or spouse,
I do not like Obamacare
something, something, anywhere.

It was pretty evident from that small bit of writing that Cruz may be on to something. If he can get six figures by ripping off one of the greatest children's book authors of all times, just think what he could do if he actually sat down and read half the bills introduced by both parties of the Senate.

Ms. DeLearned says Sen. Cruz will also devote a whole section of the book to Mitch McConnell, if he can find enough words to rhyme with the latter Senator's name.

Saturday, April 5, 2014

Song Parody - Unfriend Me (To Please Release Me by Engelbert Humperdinck)

Please Unfriend me let me go
You aren't someone I wish to know
I hope this doesn't make you sore,
Unfriend me, don't poke me anymore

At first, we laughed and joked around,
I picked you up when you were down
But lately you've become a bore
So unfriend me, don't bother me no more.

Please release me as your friend
This relationship has got to end,
How else can I get through to you?
Unfriend me cause I've unfriended you.

Please unfriend me, cause I've unfriended you.