Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Veterinarian Accidentally Neuters Rare Male Kitten

Atlanta, GA – Cat lovers in Atlanta, Georgia are threatening to have the license of a local veterinarian pulled after finding out that he unwittingly neutered a rare male kitten instead of preserving the animal’s unlikely yet slim possibility of breeding more of his kind.

The kitten in question, a “torbie” is considered quite rare. A mix between a tortoise-shell calico and a tabby cat, most all torbies are born female. The fact that this was a male torbie was big news in the shelter where little “Dickie”, the name given him by shelter workers, was taken after the owner didn’t know how rare he really was.

Gladys Grubster, a life-long shelter worker who had called dibs on Dickie before the operation, said after hearing the news, “Well, there goes my ticket outta volunteer hell. I was planning on breeding Dickie in the hopes of breeding even more male torbies and finally making enough money to retire, but that dream has been shot all to hell thanks to Dr. Snip-Snip.”

Chances of ever finding another torbie in the area are slim to none, leaving everyone involved to wonder why this doctor was so quick to put Dickie under the knife. “Look, I’m not as stupid as I look,” said the vet. “Male torbies are rare sure, but not so rare is the fact that they are typically born sterile.”

“Which begs the question,” said Gladys, obviously unable to control her rage, “Why the hell did you even bother neutering Dickie then, you moron? And how the hell do you think he got here in the first place?”

When Gladys was asked if she would still be adopting poor little Dickie, Gladys replied, “What the hell for?”

Sunday, June 27, 2010

World Association of Applied Mathematicians Say Zero No Longer Necessary

Geneva, Switzerland – During a recent conference of some of the most gifted mathematicians in the world, the subject of the number zero came up again, as it has in past conferences. However, this time, the mathematicians have finally gotten some closure on the matter of (1) whether zero is actually a number and (2) the worth of zero.

After much discussion and several hypotheses as to how physics in general would be affected if zero were no longer considered a number, the mathematicians have finally determined that zero is no longer necessary and can be ignored as a valid number.

The winning argument for the case was made by Swedish mathematician Gruud Vergenstuggen wherein he simply stated, “Take the equation 1 + 0 = 1. The zero makes no difference in the outcome of the equation. In fact, it just makes things more complicated than just saying that the number 1 is the sum of the number 1. Furthermore, regarding the number 10, the zero after the one implies that there is nothing after the one, so when you take the number 11, you already know that there was a ten, and therefore no reason to have a zero.”  When asked how one would then go about writing numbers without zeros, Dr. Vergenstuggen replied simply “Ones can’t write.”

Ed. Note: For those who don’t get the visual to this story, the figure that looks like an 8 is actually the symbol for infinity.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

In Latest Speech, Palin Stops Short of Referring to Self as Martyr

In yet another controversial appearance of Sarah Palin, this time at the California State University, Stanislaus campus, Sarah complained of how her message is being met with the same controversy over and over--that she is undeserving of the large sums of money she commands for her appearance fees.

Stopping short of coming right out and calling herself a modern-day martyr, Sarah Palin did say that her message will go on long after she is no longer a highly-paid political speaker, leaving many to wonder if that meant she was going to stop accepting large speaking fees or that she was willing to die for her beliefs.

“I stand before you today willing to accept your generous support without feeling the need to explain whether or not I’m worthy of it,” said Palin. “Some people give their greatness away, but as my mother used to say, ‘if you give puppies away for free, people won’t cherish them as much as if they are made to pay dearly for them—charge a hundred bucks plus the cost of shots and neutering.’ I still live by those words today.”

“The same goes for me and my time,” she continued. “If I was to show up and just give my speeches away for free, the good people who follow my politics would begin to take me for granted, possibly even stop coming to see me. Therefore, I must charge them a lot so that they feel they are getting something of value from me, whether they are or they aren’t.”

The presidential hopeful didn’t stop there, likening herself to the great Joan of Arc. “Just like Joan of Arc who was burned at the stake for her beliefs, I too am being persecuted for my belief that I am worth every penny paid to me for my speaking engagements,” said Palin to thunderous applause and chants of “Sarah, Sarah, Sarah.”

Friday, June 25, 2010

Mix-up in Hell Has Satan Sending More than One Anti-Christ to Rule Earth

Satan is said to be madder than hell at his minions this week after he learned that more than one, and possibly as many as eight Anti-Christs have been unleashed upon the Earth during the past century.

Harry Scarem, a demonologist from California was able to ascertain this after a particularly grueling satanic ritual over the weekend wherein Satan personally appeared for a few moments to explain the error. Said Satan, “I would have sent one of my minions, but they are all idiots.”

When Scarem asked Satan what he was talking about, Satan explained “I just got finished going over the book of judgments and damned if someone didn’t remember to put a checkmark next to Adolph Hitler’s name after we gave him the 666 tattoo. The mistakes kept being made. A tattoo was given, the mark was set, but no checkmark was put next to the name. As best I can ascertain, we’ve given the tattoo now to about five people that we can positively identify, those being Hitler, of course, Charles Manson, Dick Cheney, Pol Pot and Pauly Shore,” he said, explaining that he wasn’t even sure why Pauly Shore was on the list but it can’t be taken back once it’s declared.

While Pol Pot and Hitler are dead, that still leaves Manson, Cheney and Shore to watch out for. But the bad news is that there may be at least three more people on the short list who were accidentally given the tattoo and sent to Earth as Anti-Christs. Satan was asked if Kim Jong Il may have been one of the other three and although he couldn’t confirm it, he certainly didn’t deny it either. “Let’s just say that Kim meets all the requirements of being an Anti-Christ, so I wouldn’t rule him out.”

“This was a big fuc*ing screw up, I know,” said Satan, “and I’m prepared to take full responsibility for it.”

Meanwhile, word has been leaked to the Christians about this and they are none too pleased about the news. “Jesus, Lord have mercy,” said Paul Thornton, Pastor over at Christ Almighty’s Sacred Splendor Worship Hall. “This just ain’t good news at this late hour. All we’ve got, as far as I know is one Savior and he isn’t even due to come to earth yet for at least another year or so. How the hell are we going to find more Saviors at this late hour to do battle with multiple Anti-Christs?” he said as he sat wringing his hands in despair.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

District Judge Blocks President’s Moratorium on Oil Drilling after Hunting Invite from Cheney

Federal District Judge Martin Feldman took immediate measures to block the 6-month moratorium President Obama placed on new deepwater drilling projects due to the ongoing disaster in the Gulf of Mexico. Most people were curious as to why this Judge would make such a ruling in light of the testimony thus far from workers on the Horizon oil platform that indicate that BP didn’t take proper measures to ensure the safety of its workers.

Most people would agree that until the details of this accident are sorted out, it would be wise to not start up any more drills along America’s coasts. So why would Judge Feldman make such a ruling?

Telephone records from the Judge’s office indicate several phone calls from former Vice President Dick Cheney, as well as a hand-engraved invitation to go quail hunting in Texas within the next couple of weeks. Said Feldman’s Judicial Assistant, “Judge Feldman really likes to go quail hunting, but he knows as well as anyone, when you get an invitation to go quail hunting with Dick Cheney, it’s not really about bagging quail.”

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

United States Issues Travel Alert to…Toronto?

Toronto, Ontario – It’s not every day you see a travel alert issued for one of the safest cities in one of the safest countries in the world, but that is what the United States State Department did and the Canadians are none too happy about the designation.

Toronto is hosting the G-20 Economic Summit later this week, and there are expected to be the usual bombardment of protests from such groups as Greenpeace, Oxfam, and others. But Canadians are already reeling from the $1 billion price tag to turn the city of Toronto into an armored fortress and believe the travel alert just adds insult to injury.

Said one Canadian official “What really frosts the Canadians’ arses is the fact that the trouble makers expected to appear at the G-20 summit are primarily Americans. So in essence, the U.S. is issuing travel alerts to our country to protect themselves from, well, themselves. Not only are we footing the tab for the security, but Toronto now has a black mark on it as being a dangerous place to travel.”

Ironically, no travel alerts were issued last year for Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, the site of the 2009 G-20 Summit; however, the reason could be that no one really wants to travel to Pittsburgh to protest or otherwise.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Alternative Gifting Ideas for Kids with Single Dads or Any Other Dad for that Matter

Editor's Note: Sorry Dad's--Better Late than Never

Ok, kids, let’s look at the whole gift-giving thing for dad on Father’s Day in a completely different light.  Face it, your dad has all the ties he needs, it’s summertime and therefore, too hot for slippers or a robe, and he prefers to pick out his own socks and underwear.  So, what would be some practical gifts for the man who is not only taking care of himself now, but also taking care of you, the other kid in the household? 

Let’s start with nourishment.  It gets pretty tiresome having cereal for breakfast, Spaghettio’s for lunch, and burned hamburgers on the grill for dinner, doesn’t it?  Do yourself a favor, buy dad a cookbook.  Not just any ordinary Betty Crocker cookbook.  He’ll never figure it out.  Get him his own cookbook, “See Dad Cook: The Only Book a Guy Needs to Feed Family and Friends (and Himself).”  Think about it, not only will you be getting a better shot at nourishment; you’ll be saving him from himself and his awful cooking.  What better way to say I love you?

Of course, if you’re one of the fortunate children who has a father who can do more than boil water, you may want to skip the cookbook and go for something that will get him off the couch and outdoors with you.  Yep, I’m talking model airplane!  Think of all the hours of fun you and he will have building and flying your very own model airplane.  Even though some may think of this as a selfish gift, don’t give it another thought.  This isn’t just a toy for you, it’s an adventure the two of you will be taking together.  What father doesn’t want to see his son happy?  Of course, if you are a daughter and not exactly the tomboy type, don’t worry.  Dad won’t tell you this, but he really, really does like to dress up and play tea party on the front lawn.

Ok, so you figured out on your very own that it really was just a way to get a free toy out of dad and you’re not feeling it so much.  No problem, there are other things you can get dad that will tell him loud and clear just how much he means to you.  Get him some gift certificates to McDonald’s.  You will be giving him the gift of convenience.  What parent couldn’t use some extra time with the kids in a fun and safe environment?  Make sure he takes you to the newest one with the big enclosed play area, so he can have the time of his life watching you have the time of your life.  I know, you’re surprised you didn’t think of this one all on your own.  You’re welcome.

Bet you’d love to go to a ball game wouldn't you?  So would dad!  Offer to tag along with him to the game on Father’s Day, and don’t forget to show your appreciation for the peanuts, popcorn, cracker jacks and soda you’ll be helping him eat.  How, you ask, could getting your dad to buy tickets to a ball game, along with buying a house payment’s worth of goodies for you, be a gift to dad? Simple, you’re letting him know in your own special way that it’s ok if he loves sports more than he loves you.  Love is a two-way street.

So, kids, those are some alternative gift-giving ideas for you to consider this Father’s Day.  Your father will be so surprised at your ability to think outside the box.  And remember, these gifts aren’t just appropriate for giving on Father’s Day, there’s Christmas, and Valentine’s Day, oh and there’s his birthday….

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Obama Picks Judge Judy to Decide Oil Spill Claims

Ever since President Obama and BP announced that BP is putting up an initial $20 billion to pay for any legitimate claims that are filed as a result of damages incurred as a direct or indirect result of the Horizon Gulf oil disaster, people have been wondering who will decide the fate of their claims.

Well, wait no longer. This morning, President Obama announced that he tapped one of the best minds in the legal business, Judge Judy, to take on the task of sorting through the myriad of claims being filed and determining what is and isn’t legitimate. “I can’t think of a better legal mind or a person that these folks in Louisiana can relate to than Judge Judy,” said Obama. “She is going to cut through the bullsh*t (excuse my Cajun) and make sure that the $20 billion only goes to those who have legitimate claims.”

Already, Judge Judy has taken a precursory look at some of the claims filtering through the government claims office and admits it is going to be a formidable task to separate the wheat from the chaff or as she likes to put it, “the oil from the water,” but she is willing to take that task on.

“For instance,” said Judge Judy, “do you know how many claims have already been filed for ridiculous sums of money for what we are calling ‘flip-flop’ claims?” These are claims that beachgoers have filed who have gotten tar balls on their flip-flops, claiming they were designer flip-flops that can’t be cleaned by ordinary methods. “Give me a friggin’ break,” she says as she takes her glasses off and wipes them purposefully. “Here’s a clue,” she continued, “we are pretty much aware of what a pair of $5 flip-flops from Wal-Mart looks like, so save us and yourself a bunch of time and just keep your claims to yourself.”

Said one potential claimant, an out-of-work shrimper, “man, with Judge Judy at the helm, I’m pretty sure I better have my eyes crossed and my t’s dotted cause I been watchin’ her on tv, what with nuthin’ else to do these days, and I can tell you that she doesn’t let nobody slip nuthin’ past her.”

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Having Lady Gaga For a Sister Turns Sister into a Sister

It had to happen, a family member who chooses a life career totally opposite from that of her sibling because her sibling is just so over the top. Case in point, Lady Gaga (nee Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta) has a sister who just graduated from high school and is now planning on becoming a nun. She has enrolled in nun school.

Natali Germanotta, Gaga’s 18-year old sister, and her parents have reportedly contacted Sisters of the Sacred Heart to look into Natali attending a summer program to speed her on her way to complete sisterhood.  “Oh I like my sister Stefani ok,” said Natalia looking a bit intimidated, “but she has so many weird ideas and my mom and dad, they want at least one of us to make something out of ourselves, and since she is already doing her Gaga thing, I guess it’s up to me.” Natalia was interviewed while sitting closely between her mother and father, with no chance for escape.

The Germanottas are said to be extremely happy that one of their daughters is going on to become a nun. “It was our wish for Stefani to be a nun eventually, to grow out of her desire to be in the spotlight all the time, but when we saw her outfits getting more and more outrageous, to the point of sacrilege, well, we turned our sights on little Natalia,” said Joseph Germanotta.

When asked if they knew that Natali had appeared in her sister’s “Telephone” video, they appeared somewhat shocked. “Well, yes, of course, said Mrs. Germanotta, “we knew. She was just a background person though, and I believe we’ve caught our sweet little Natalia in time so that she won’t be going down the same road as her sister Stefani.”

Rumors that Natalia held up a sign in the “Telephone” video with the words “help me” have all but been debunked by the Germanottas and their Church.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Financially Strapped Families Turning Kids Into Meal Tickets on Reality TV

What is it about opportunistic dads (and moms) who see their kids not so much as a mouth to feed but as a meal ticket out of poverty?

First there was Falcon Heene, the 6-year old boy whom his father, Richard Heene wanted everyone to believe was trapped in a mylar space ship floating perilously above the earth last October sometimes reaching heights of 7,000 feet. When the balloon touched ground hours later, there was no 6-year old aboard and what unfolded was a story of a family trying desperately to get their 15 minutes of fame and a television deal to solve some financial woes.

Laurence Sunderland of Thousand Oaks, California is the latest father to make the decision to put one of his children in harm’s way to make a few bucks in the reality show business. His daughter, 16-year old Abby Sunderland, was recently plucked from the Indian and is ok, thanks to some quick-thinking rescuers. But it could have turned out much worse. Stranded for three days in the rough waters of the Indian Ocean with no satellite phone and a broken sail mast, Abby came home to the news that the family was broke but she was gonna start earning her keep.

Some of the more fortunate kids are only forced onto shows like American Idol and America’s Got Talent to dance or sing their way to stardom, even if most of them can’t dance or sing. But at least it’s a helluva lot more honorable than making them lie or putting them directly in harm’s way and hoping all will work out in the end.

But what of the kids whose parents don’t seem to be wrapped too tight like the aforementioned dads? What’s next? Who’s to say Bubba Johnson, a snake handler from Holymoley, Alabama isn’t training his 6-year old son as we speak to follow in dad’s deadly religious ceremonies and, since the mortgage on the trailer is in foreclosure, striking a deal with TLC to document the whole wild Pentecostal ride for our viewing pleasure?

Or what if a dad decides he wants his 3-year old to become the first MMA toddler champ? Of course, we’d have to assume then that there are at least two knuckleheaded dads with the same idea, as it takes two to pull off this potentially deadly reality tango.

Just when we think there is no end in sight to how far a parent will go to capitalize on their child’s potential money-making talents, we see a Baby Gaga or a Baby Scarface school play to remind us that there are plenty of desperate adults out there with their thinking caps screwed on a bit too tightly.

Next time you hear sirens screaming down your neighborhood streets and you know that one of your neighbors has been having a rough go of it financially, go out there and take a look-see. You might just be the first one on your block to see firsthand how reality shows are really born. See, it starts with an egg and a lot of sperm, the sperm swims upstream to fertilize the egg, nine months later, etc. etc. etc.

Friday, June 11, 2010

President Obama Misses Asses and Falls Flat on His

Washington, D.C. – Americans were buoyed last week when President Obama declared he was ready to kick ass over the BP oil spill, fully expecting him to go out immediately and find whose ass to kick.

However, even with some of those responsible doing everything but actually bending down in front of him with a sign on their ass saying “kick me” it seems he still hasn’t done any kicking.

Oh there was the occasional attempted kick of people like Tony Hayward whom he got close enough to kick, but as soon as he did, seems Hayward pulled away and down went Obama on his own ass.

“It’s quite fun to watch, actually,” said Hayward. “We love tough talk and even dish it out ourselves, but just like Lucy with Charlie Brown, we know the precise moment to move away from the situation and let it kick itself in the ass, and that is what is happening right now in the United States.”

Then, of course, there are the American regulators. But Obama found that they have a tendency to kick their own asses before they are brought up on charges of taking bribes from oil company executives. Elizabeth Birnbaum, for example, the former director of the U.S. Minerals Management Service, knew immediately as soon as the Horizon blew up how she was going to be held accountable and instead of jumping up and saying to the President, “kick my ass, sir” she scrambled away to what we assume is probably a lovely retreat somewhere in the Hamptons bought from oil money deals made under the watchful eye of no one.

This game of kick ass has actually provided some much needed comic relief to the British Petroleum Company who, before hearing Obama state he was looking for some ass to kick, was actually a bit frightened that they would somehow be held solely responsible for the worst oil spill in history “but now,” says an official spokesperson, “we are only about third in line after the American government goes after a few other ass targets that are a bit easier to hit like Transocean and Halliburton.”

In fact, BP is looking to find a company scapegoat to replace their loyal and treasured Tony Hayward; someone who is expendable and can “totally take the heat” of this disaster and still come out of it ok after a righteous ass-kicking by President Obama.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Paul McCartney Comment Prompts Look inside George W. Bush’s Library

Aside from a few die-hard Republicans who can’t bring themselves to believe that George W. Bush is not the sharpest tool in the shed, most people thought Paul McCartney’s joke regarding George Bush not knowing what a library is was pretty funny and saw nothing wrong with it.

But, to make a point, folks gathered at a Dallas office building to get a first-hand peek at some of the books George W. Bush has read and what books and documents will be included in his memorial library expected to be built in the years to come.

Among the finds was a complete collection of well-worn Dr. Seuss books. Jon Horton, caretaker of the books told the group, “George loves Dr. Seuss. He always thought that “One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish secretly referred to the Republicans and the Democrats and in fact, that is how he kept them straight.”

Horton also claims that Dubya especially liked the story of the star-bellied Sneetches, claiming to be one of them. “Whenever he would go out in public, he would pretend to see Sneetches without stars on their bellies and purposefully ignore them. He never tired of that game,” said Horton.

Asked what else made up the library materials, Horton admitted that so far, the only things in it pertained to Seuss books and video materials. One video had a cover that was simply marked “Dick Cheney.” When asked what that video was about, Horton smiled. “Oh that. That is a copy of “The Grinch Who Stole Christmas.”

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Obama Ready to Open Big Can of Whup Ass

New York, NY – Talking like he was getting ready for the biggest basketball game of his life, President Barack Obama made it perfectly clear Tuesday morning on the Today Show that he is contemplating opening that big can of whup ass he has stored in his desk drawer and unleashing it on whoever is responsible for the oil spill.

Most people claim it is BP who should get their asses whupped, but Obama is cautious. “Whup Ass is expensive, people. You can’t just open up the can and take the chance that all the air will leak out before we’re able to unleash that whup ass power. We have to make sure of two things when using whup ass (1) that we know who the target is; and (2) when the right time comes, we open that can and kick some serious ass right then and there. With whup ass, there’s no margin for error.”

Most people don’t realize the down side of using whup ass. Sure, it is effective when used properly, but say you use whup ass on someone who has lots of lawyers armed to the hilt with legal precedent that say if you ruin their reputation for instance and it turns out you’re wrong about their involvement in the oil spill, well, you not only waste an expensive can of whup ass, but you end up on the wrong side of a lawsuit.

Said Obama, “make no mistake, America, I will find out whose ass to kick and when I do, I won’t hesitate to open my can of whup ass. And on the off chance that there is more than one ass to kick, I’ve already got the procurement office looking into the cost of purchasing several more cans of whup ass just in case.”

Monday, June 7, 2010

Helen Thomas’ Attempt at Satire Backfires

Washington, D.C. – Fur continues to fly over what some claim are very divisive comments by White House reporter Helen Thomas regarding Israel’s presence in Palestine. While Helen has apologized to everyone regarding the flap, the issue is just not going away and now she is losing speaking engagements because of it. Thomas is reportedly blaming a certain satire site for the insensitive comments made on video.

Thomas issued a statement Sunday that goes further to explain her comments and what was behind them. “It was satire, actually a poor, misguided attempt at satire that brought me down after all my years as a reporter. I should have stuck with the news and left the funny business to those other people at Glossy News. All I can say is, I’m sorry, and it won’t happen again.”

 “Saying I’m sorry just doesn’t get it on this one Helen,” said Abraham Foxman, national director of the Anti-Defamation League. “What part of anti-defamation don’t you get? And just when did you decide all this is a joke?”

Helen, of course, was referring to the website Glossy News which is a satire site where writers take the headline news and make light of it. Helen claims that she was spending a lot of time last weekend reading all the stories on Glossy News and just lost track of reality. “I got to the point where I couldn’t discern truth from fiction. Everything, from Sarah Palin to the oil spill started spinning in my head and I could no longer think seriously.”

After a full day of reading Glossy News, Helen went on to make her famous remark when asked about the Israelis in Palestine. “Send them all back to Germany and Poland is what I said,” remarked a sorrowful Thomas. “Damn those Glossy writers. I should have known better than to think that I could make light of the situation in the Middle East. From now on, if I want funny, I’ll stick with reading the Wall Street Journal.”

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Sarah Palin Blames Drill Baby Drill Comments on Evil Twin

Wasilly, AK – Finally, what the American people have been waiting for from Sarah Palin, the truth. No longer do we have to guess why she would backtrack on her famous “Drill, Baby, Drill” comment when, in fact, it wasn’t she who said it.

“I have an evil twin, Sally, who is responsible for most of the awful things that come out of my mouth,” said Sarah in a recent tweet. “I’ve known about Sally for quite some time, but thought that if I told anyone about it, they’d think I was crazy, so I’ve just kept mum about it and took the heat. But this time, Sally has gone too far,” said Sarah. “This time she is making me out to be a big liar and I can no longer allow people to think that of me.”

Sarah is speaking, of course, about the drill, baby, drill comments and what was meant by them. “I never said that it was safe to drill offshore. I only meant that we should continue drilling on land. When I get confused, Sally takes over and when Sally takes over, everything gets muddled. She talks like me, walks like me and even dresses like me. In fact, she is so good at copying me, that I sometimes don’t even know if it is her talking or me. That is how good she is at deception.”

Asked if possibly Sally is just a person Sarah has made up to take the heat off herself, Sarah responded that she (Sally) was not a figment of her (Sarah’s) imagination. “No, Sally is real and she is really dangerous. Why just last week she attempted to tell a group of tea party members that I opposed the Bridge to Nowhere when, in fact, I, wait a minute, I did oppose the Bridge to Nowhere, didn’t I? Oh that Sally, what a little troublemaker she is. She got me again, good this time.”

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Glenn Beck Claims Training Wheels on Bikes are for Sissies

New York, NY – Glenn Beck devotes entire segments of his show to his favorite subject, kids who get free rides in life and why they shouldn’t. For instance, in a past rant, Beck talked about how kids who got medals and trophies for merely showing up at sporting events whether or not they actually got to play in a game and score or do something noteworthy, were merely being sent the message that they don’t have to do anything extraordinary to be honored and in fact, should give those medals and trophies back so the kids who really earn them can appreciate them more.

Good point, that is until recently when Beck himself was bestowed an honorary doctorate in Humanities from Liberty University although he hardly ever stepped foot in a college in his life, for learning that is. But this isn’t about Beck’s own personal adherence to what he preaches, it is about kids and how they are spoiled brats and shouldn’t get any handouts in life.

The latest rant involves whether or not children’s toys should be so safe that children most likely will never experience pain in childhood and, without experiencing pain, they turn into mamby-pamby adults who have to be practically spoon fed throughout their lives.

Case in point, training wheels on bicycles. Beck began his show by saying, “Parents, don’t coddle your kids. Don’t start your toddlers out on a bike so small that even with training wheels, they can just put their feet on the ground and pull themselves forward without even peddling. That isn’t riding a bike. I believe what it does do is instill a false sense of security so that eventually, when the child has to ride a full-size bike, they will not have the balance skills and may even give up without even trying.”

As usual, Glenn pulled the rest of his message from personal experience and, with blackboard behind him, began his lesson on why kids should not learn to ride a bicycle with training wheels.

“When we were little, we didn’t get to learn to ride a bike on brand new Stingray bikes with cool banana seats and hi–rise handlebars; we didn’t get BMX bikes specially equipped with training wheels that were taken off only after we felt we had the balance skills to ride without them. Nosiree, we got to learn on our mom’s beat up old 26” Schwinn. Hell, we couldn’t even reach the peddles when we sat on the seat so we had to stand up and learn to ride.”

Beck, looking up and outward as if remembering it like it was yesterday, continued, “I remember my uncle out there on my first lesson telling me to get up there and start peddling while he held the back fender of the bike, walking alongside me. I tried as best I could to keep my little feet on those peddles but every once in awhile they’d slip and down my leg would go scraping against the chain,” Beck said as he stifled a sob with his fist.

“But I wasn’t, wasn’t…I wasn’t allowed to cry,” said Beck. “Nosiree Bob. I had to get back up there every time and do it again and again and again until I learned to not make that peddle spin underneath my foot. Finally, my uncle told me I was ready to go solo, but I begged him not to let go,” Beck emoted with signature anguish. “He said he wouldn’t, but he lied. I started to peddle really hard and I remember him running alongside behind me and then all of a sudden I felt a wobble, and,” Beck wiped tears from his eyes with the back of his fist, “I realized I was riding the bike all by my lonesome, no one there to catch me if I fell.”

“And yes, I fell,” he continued. “Boy did I fall. I fell hard, flat on my side. And what did my lousy uncle do” said Beck with decidedly pent-up anger, “the son of a…” Beck chuckled and went on. “The man laughed at me. He laughed at me! I hated him for that. But years later, in fact now, I thank him for it. It has made me what I am today. ‘No excuses Beck.’ ‘No free rides Beck.’ ‘No wimps need apply Beck,’ he said as he began scraping the chalk across the board in a most hysterical fashion.