Saturday, February 27, 2010
Friday, February 26, 2010
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
(Here's a reprise of an earlier post...appropriate for today's events)
In a post-rapture world, it is believed that atheists and agnostics may be faced with horrendous living conditions on Earth. However, it doesn’t have to be the end of the world. With pre- and post-rapture business opportunities already beginning to spring up around the country, life on earth for those of you who aren’t going to make it through to the next round may still have somewhat of a silver lining if you plan ahead.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Friday, February 19, 2010
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Friday, February 12, 2010
Hollywood, CA – If there is one thing you can say about the folks in Hollywood, it is the fact that they never miss an opportunity to capitalize on a new trend, even if it sometimes goes against everything they believe in.
Case in point. With radical fringe political groups taking center stage espousing their God-given rights to liberty from paying federal taxes and freedom to carry a weapon anyplace they darned well please, it just stands to reason that those folks are going to expect entertainment that they can relate to, i.e. movies about outlaws and guns. And who better to give it to them than the left-leaning liberals of Hollywood, right? I said right?
News just in: Remakes of the old favorite western television series Big Valley and Gunsmoke are set to hit the big screen soon and talk is that some of the most pro-active liberals on the Hollywood scene are being considered for the lead roles. So far, Susan Sarandon is on tap to play the lead role in Big Valley, and Brad Pitt and Ryan Reynolds may just have to have a shootout to determine which one of them will be the new Marshall Matt Dillon in Gunsmoke.
Makes us wonder why folks like Arnold Schwarzenegger or Chuck Norris aren’t playing Matt Dillon and Bo Derek or Heather Locklear aren’t chomping at the bit to play the lead role in Big Valley, all of whom are reportedly on the side of the conservatives.
I mean, do you really think a die-hard Sarah Palin fan is going to go see a western with Susan Sarandon in the lead role? Or that anyone who idolizes Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck would ever consider a Liberal Marshall Matt Dillon? Hell no. That’s like re-making the Rifleman with Woody Harrelson as the lead.
Hollywood has always been good at make-believe but with the political climate as it stands today, they are going to have to ramp it up a notch or two to serve up the unbelievable. We’re talking left-wing liberal actors and actresses who will need to be so good at their art that they can even get a far right-wing, gun-toting, Bible-thumping, revolutionary to cough up $15 bucks to sit through two hours of their best interpretations of Marshall Dillon and Miss Kitty.
It won’t be an easy feat, but then again, Hollywood doesn’t have too many other options because Clint Eastwood is getting up there in years, Mel Gibson has taken the happy train to Crazytown, and Kelsey Grammar, well, best he could probably deliver is a mediocre Doc Holliday.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Said an assistant producer for the show, “We’ve been watching the movement, especially at the Tea Party get togethers and the Town Hall Meetings, and the Paul Revere getups and tea bag hat designs are just so Halloween, so unimaginative, so gauche. If these people want to fit in with the stereotypical Starbuck’s clientele, they are going to need some serious makeovers. So we thought, hey, what better way to help them transition into a more trendy ‘fun-totin’ look than to give them a makeover so that they can show off their guns and fit in at the same time.”
The show is not without controversy, however, in that one of the contestants flat out refused to produce an outfit with a main component being some type of holster, be it shoulder, hip, thigh or ankle, stating “for some gun-toting Bubba to wear to a Starbucks? No thank you—suh-nap.” The contestant bowed out of the competition knowing that he faced elimination, but is reportedly happy that he stood up for his principles.
“You can dress them up and make them look all pretty, but at the end of the day, they’re still guns and to me, guns are ugly, ugly things,” he said, sobbing, as he grabbed his overnight bag and ran from the building.
The remaining contestants, however, welcomed the challenge and came up with some very interesting outfits, including one contestant who called her version of the hip holster dress the “I Got Your Gun Right Here, Annie.”
The models seemed to enjoy themselves as well, although one guy named Cletus “Beau” Brummel wasn’t too fond of the outfit one of the contestants made for him. “I know I’m supposed to go along with the program and all,” said Beau,” but these plaid Bermuda shorts and, what the hell do you call this hat, a fedora? Hell, I look like a fruit. No offense to all you all designers over there,” he added.
The outfit that came closest to being all about turning a truck-stop waitress into a latte-sipping hipster at Starbucks was a little number called the “Cappucino Capri Hipster Holster.” Model Shirlene Farlow was just beside herself with the number. “I jes was havin’ such a hard time carrying my gun in the back of my jeans on account of I have such a wide backside and the gun jes kept getting caught in my thong, but now, the focus on the gun farther down my leg makes all the diff’rence in the world. And the gun is still within reach if I ever need to use it while out having a ‘double-shot expresso’ (no pun intended) with the girls after shopping at the Safe-T-Way.”
Project Runway would not give a specific time for the episode to run, but believes it should be sometime in April, 2010, in plenty of time for the models to gather all their friends around at the local Starbucks to watch the show, drink a few lattes, and shoot the breeze.
Monday, February 8, 2010
In a troubling story out of Washington though, an aide to President Obama has put quite a twist on the secret admirer thing-y and has used it as a tool against one of the President’s most fierce opponents, Sarah Palin.
Susie (Suze) Ruze was reportedly relieved of her clerical duties early Monday morning and her White House e-mail account was suspended after it was learned that she had sent over a couple dozen e-mails directly to Sarah Palin on matters that would have been classified information had they not been blatant lies. Ms. Ruze is believed to be a member of the W.A.S.P. movement, i.e. Women Against Sarah Palin.
Ms. Ruze was caught when the astute White House Press Secretary, Robert Gibbs, put two and two together. “When I heard Palin state that she was ‘receiving daily e-mailed briefings from people in Washington on events and issues there,’ I got a little suspicious,” said Gibbs. “Then, when I went back and watched a video that had Palin saying ‘Obama could win re-election if he is seen as a tough president in a time of war... for example, that he could play ‘the war card’ by attacking Iran, or express stronger support for Israel,’ well, I knew for sure at that point that someone who must really have it in for Ms. Palin was feeding her some really stupid things to say, and she was taking the bait--hook, line and sinker--and that’s when I started looking at Obama’s own staff members for clues.
We suspected it might be Suze Ruze as she had this funny little tic over her right eye that would get going really good whenever any one of us would say the name Sarah Palin. She just went a little ballistic thinking about the woman.”
When questioned, Ruze finally admitted that she was the one who sent Palin the e-mail about Obama waging war to see just how gullible and uninformed Ms. Palin really was. “I had to think up something that Palin would run with and boy did she scoop that puppy up,” said Ruze. “I did it because she asked for it. Was it not Sarah Palin who said on Fox News that ‘Now, of course, my focus...has been enlarged. So I sure as heck better be more astute on these current events, national issues, than I was two years ago…?’ I figured, wow, what a great opportunity to help a sister out,” said Ruze, who’s eyelid was now ticking uncontrollably.
When Ruze was asked whether or not that was the first time she decided to help Ms. Palin out with a few civics, geography and current events facts, Ms. Ruze replied, “no, I had been doing it on and off long before that. I’d had enough of the ‘seein’ Alaska from her home,’ and not knowing why there were two Koreas, and though those things were pretty annoying, the straw that broke the camel’s back was hearing about her making all that damned money for a book she didn’t even write. I guess I just got carried away with wanting to give her a better understanding of how Washington works.”
But it was the e-mail that advised Palin to talk about Obama using the “war card” that finally led to Ms. Ruze being caught. “If it weren’t for the fact that Suze got bolder and bolder as she went along and went from just giving little innocuous pieces of information to make Palin look a tad unprepared and perhaps not as educated as her contemporaries, to actually telling her to say on national television that President Obama may have a chance of winning an election if he started another controversial war, well, she just went over the top on that one, and it’s the one that got her, and Palin good,” said Gibbs.
The FBI is not giving any details as to the e-mail moniker Susie Ruze used to give her misleading information to Palin, but they have now involved Google, as it appears to have come from a Gmail account both within the White House and a possible second e-mail account outside of the White House. In addition, there may also be several Twitter accounts that are involved and the FBI is looking into this possibility. Because of this, Ms. Ruze’s Blackberry has been confiscated and her account suspended until this can all be sorted out.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Said Johnson, “Man, what the hell? I was just sitting there minding my own business when Buttnum starts tap, tap tappin’ his damned fingers on the steel bed and singin’ Nobody Knows the Trouble I’ve Seen over and over and over again. I warned him, but he just kept it up until I threatened to rip his arm off and beat him with it. How the hell was I supposed to know someone had already done that and the arm I pulled offa him was fake?”
Johnson is being arraigned on charges of ‘attempted murder while armed.’
Thursday, February 4, 2010
A South Carolina independent rag known as the Secessionist News developed a Survey entitled “Where Do You Stand as a True American?” They hope it will be picked up and answered by lots of Tea Party Convention delegates in an effort to get a finger on the pulse of the true American. Here is a recreation of the survey in easy-to-read format. We hope to report the findings once responses start to trickle in. Feel free to give your own answers if you’ve a mind to.
Where Do You Stand as a True American?
Give yourself points for each correct answer as follows:
1 Point for Yeah
2 Points for Hell Yeah
3 Points for You Better Believe it, Son.
4 Points for Does a Bear Sh*t in the Woods?
5 Points for You Ain’t Just a Whistlin’ Dixie
1. Is the South gonna rise again?
2. Is Obama a (a) Segregationist; (b) Secessionist; (c) Socialist?
3. Do you believe the only direction America should be headed in is South?
4. Is putting a second mortgage on your trailer to see Sarah Palin speak your patriotic duty?
5. As the US Dollar gets weaker, will Confederate Currency make a comeback?
6. Should the Star Spangled Banner be replaced by Lee Greenwood’s Proud to be an American as America’s National Anthem?
7. Instead of nationalized health care, should America nationalize gun ownership?
8. Should the Confederate Flag fly side-by-side with Old Glory?
9. Should Glenn Beck be canonized while still alive?
10. Would you give your left nut to meet Rush Limbaugh?
11. Is Fox News Fair and Balanced and the only news station you can trust to not lie to you?
12. Are Keith Olbermann and Rachel Maddow the Devil’s spokespersons?
13. If Jesus were alive today, would he be a Tea Party Delegate?
Bonus Survey Questions (get 10 points each for correct response):
Can you spell Secessionist?
Is your favorite color red white and blue?
Can you fuc*kin’ believe that last election?
1-10 Points – Borderline Liberal
11-25 Points – You Can Hang Around With Us, But We Got Our Eye on You
26 -45 Points – Your Momma Must Be Mighty Proud of you Son
46-60+ Points – Get This Guy’s Measurements, Cause I Think We Just Found Our Next Grand Wizard
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Ling Chang Phu, personal assistant to Aisle’s executive assistant, stated that she was regularly asked to bring various items into Mr. Ailes’ office throughout the day. “First thing in the morning, it was more like just a rancid coffee smell, but as the day wore on and Mr. Ailes consumed more and more carbs, he began to smell worse and worse so that by the end of the day, I flat out refused to take anything into his office without some type of protective covering over my nose and mouth.”
Said Ailes’ executive assistant, “obviously, we hired Ms. Phu to do the tasks that I either was too busy to handle or that I felt I should not be subjected to, which may or may not have included walking into what we jokingly refer to around here as the “sewer.”
In defending against Ms. Phu’s claims of unsafe working conditions and wrongful termination, News Corp attorneys stated that Ms. Phu knew or should have known about Mr. Aisles’ flatulence problem due to the fact that before her promotion to assistant to the assistant to Ailes, she worked just one floor below his office and complained of a smell not unlike backed-up toilets permeating her airspace and regularly asked maintenance to take a look. “It is our belief that Ms. Phu was well aware of the working conditions she would be exposed to before taking the promotion, and took the promotion thinking that she would be able to withstand the smell for the substantial raise she negotiated.”
It is anticipated that News Corp will attempt to settle this claim without the necessity of Ms. Phu going through with filing a lawsuit because they feel it could open the door to a class-action suit against Fox and Ailes by the entire Fox News Channel staff. Already, there have been rumors of mailroom attendants and other support staff threatening to quit if something isn’t done about retrofitting the office with industrial-strength odor eaters throughout the Fox News offices.
An attempt last year to remedy the situation by ordering fresh flowers be placed strategically throughout the office met with failure when the flowers wouldn’t last a day in the toxic environment. One employee, who asked to remain anonymous, joked “yeah, it’s gotten to the point that someone suggested we bring a canary to work and if it dies, we’ll know to get out of here fast.”
We have attempted several times to reach Mr. Ailes for a comment but all times have found him either out to breakfast, lunch, dinner or “in a meeting with Mr. John,” which we’ve since been told is code for bathroom break.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Bring the kids for a day of fun including prizes for the wackiest teabag hat, best southern heritage costume, best marksman in various age groups from 3-16, and face painting in colors that don’t run.
For the adults, a raffle will be held with the grand prize being an AK-47 BullPup Rifle with a years’ supply of ammo and a framed copy of the ever popular poem by D.J. Pickett entitled My Neck is Red, My Skin is White and My Huntin’ Dog’s Named Blue.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Following is a list of changes we anticipate making in order to not have to cancel the event (Please pay particular attention to Convention venues and accommodations as they have changed considerably:
Location: Holiday Inn Opryland Airport/Briley Parkway
Accommodations:* Special “kissin’ cousin” price for double occupancy. Use
Code SP2012 for 10% Discount. Kids stay in room free.
Thur. 2/4/10 7-8 p.m. Meeting Room 1 (Elvis Room) - Meet & Greet Reception
with hors d’oeuvres has been changed to “Moonshine
Mixer” - a BYOB event. No hors d’oeuvres but plenty
of Cheez Whiz and crackers at a nominal charge.
Entertainment: DJ spinning all your favorite KYOK
Country Hits – don’t forget to tip the DJ!
Fri. 2/5/10 7:30 a.m. Hotel Lobby - Breakfast not provided. Hot water will,
however, be served, and we suggest using the tea bags
from your hats for a calming cup of tea before we begin
the day’s events. To avoid the high cost of room
service,try the all-you-can-eat biscuit bar at
Hardee’s adjacent to the hotel for just $3.95.
Fri. 2/5/10 Meeting Room 1 (Elvis Room) – Snacks will include
water and Slim Jims (for a small donation to help
with clean-up costs)
9:00 a.m. Joe the Plumber – “Hell No, I Won’t Pay My Damned Taxes”
10:00 a.m. Larry the Cable Guy (not the comedian) – “Coaxial is
Making a Comeback”
11:00 a.m. Curly the Hair For Men Regional Rep – “Liberals
and Their Bald Lies”
Events scheduled for Friday afternoon through Saturday evening have been cancelled due to lack of funds and interest. However, since we have already committed to paying Ms. Palin $100,000, the sum total of what we hope to take in on this convention, we have decided to go ahead with the banquet on Saturday night and then fold up the tents.
Suggested activities (for an additional small fee) for those staying in town for the banquet include:
Hourly poolside prayer meetings with various local Baptist ministers.
Checkers tournament Saturday afternoon at 3:00 p.m. $2 entry fee per participant.
Movie Madness Thursday and Friday Night at 8 p.m. in Meeting Room 2 (Hee Haw Room)
featuring: Glenn Beck’s Red Sweater – free popcorn and hot water followed by a special showing of Death Panels, Guns & Health Care Town Hall Yell Meetings (click for preview).
Again, we appreciate your patience and understanding.
*Ms. Palin and the organizers for the National Tea Party Convention will remain at the Gaylord Opryland Hotel and Convention Center throughout the convention and the banquet featuring Sarah Palin as keynote speaker will remain at the Gaylord. (The block of suites booked by TPN for this event could not be cancelled without suffering the forfeiture of their deposit of $200.)
Those needing transportation to and from the Holiday Inn may purchase specially-priced bus passes at the hotel lobby. Buses from the Holiday Inn to the Gaylord leave every 20 minutes past the hour. A bus schedule will be made available for a small additional fee.