Thursday, June 26, 2014

Marco Polo Pool Game Cause of Numerous Murders in Orlando

Is this the man responsible for deaths in Orlando?

Joseph Puerile, 84, was rushed to Orlando Regional Medical Center, where he was later pronounced dead. His cause of death was listed as drowning/possible homicide. He left behind two adult children and five grandchildren.

His is the fifth murder this year involving the children's pool game, Marco Polo. Orlando Police claim the game is so annoying that it has forced others to murder due to the incessant racket made when children, and sometimes adults, play the game at area public and private pools.

Several witnesses say Puerile was having a day of fun with his grandchildren at his community pool, when he was forced into the deep end by a group of angry seniors.  Witnesses also claim Puerile was asked to leave several times and take his obnoxious grandchildren with him, but he refused to do so.

Unable to swim, the man perished while many of the elderly pool goers looked on. No one, save for a lone 86-year old former English Channel swimmer, Helen Mirren, tried to save Puerile. He finally succumbed to the depths of the pool.

Puerile, or Granpa Joe, as his grandchildren called him, began bringing his grandchildren to the pool located at the Sunny Acres Mobile Home Retirement Community, once school let out for the summer. Joe moved there from another 55+ mobile home park, where he had resided for 15 plus years. No one knew why Joe had to leave, but there was plenty of speculation after his first visit to the community pool at Sunny Acres with his five grandchildren.

"He was always with those kids in the pool," said one neighbor, who wished only to be identified as Sol.

"Noon on, sometimes to 3 or 4 in the afternoon, you'd see Granpa Joe and his two grandsons, ages 7 and 13, and his three granddaughters, ages 3, 5, and 9, in the pool playing that Marco Polo game. Back and forth, back and forth, 'Marco' one child would yell, as the other children would move into different areas in the huge Olympic-size pool and answer 'Polo, Polo, Polo, Polo, Polo.'

"My personal guess is that the regulars at the pool felt Joe and his grandchildren were, at times, commandeering the pool, causing a menace, and had to be stopped. A petition was even circulated in the community to get Joe and his grandkids banned from the pool. When that failed, I think there was a faction who just thought it was time to take matters into their own hands," said Sol.

Swimmer Mirren was reached by phone later for comment, but was unable to give a statement as it turns out she is deaf and could not immediately answer questions about her heroic efforts to save Puerile.

"I was tempted several times to put an end to the annoying game, but out of respect for Joe, I would just get up and leave. After about a half hour of Marco Polo," said Sol, "and even I had murder on my mind, but I never thought of actually doing it," said the kindly old gentleman.

Evidently, not all the residents who looked forward to their daily swims were as benevolent as Sol.

Honestly, I think it became too much for some of the other residents, and they couldn't take it any longer," said Sol. "I mean, the occasional Marco/Polo sure, but over and over and over again until you actually felt like your head was going to split clean open," he said. "Just not our idea of a relaxing day poolside."

He shook his head and walked away, obviously still reeling from the death of a man he said was just a grandpa trying to have a little fun with his grandchildren. A man, nevertheless, who was completely oblivious to the torment he inflicted on fellow pool goers on a daily basis.

The investigation is continuing into Joseph Puerile's death; however, with no witnesses coming forward to actually give a concrete statement, the death has thus far been deemed an accidental drowning.

The pool is again open to residents with one change. The game Marco Polo can no longer be played in or around the pool.

"I don't think that would have made Joe happy," said Sol, "but as for the rest of us, we have moved on and are finally looking forward to our days in the sun, sitting poolside, with only the sounds of "Cannonball!!!" to disrupt the serenity.

Saturday, June 21, 2014

Animal Rights Activist Wants Gummy Bears Taken Off Market

SAN DIEGO, Calif. -  Gummy Bears candy has been around for decades, and has given children the world over a fun and fruity treat whether sprinkled on ice cream or eaten straight out of the bag. However, there is one person who wants Gummy Bears taken off the market.

Susie McGillicutty, from San Diego, is a PETA activist who claims that Gummy Bears may make hunters out of children later in life.

"Sure, they are cute, those little dancing bears," said McGillicutty, "but have you ever wondered about what happens to children when they grow up on Gummy Bears? They are so desensitized by the time they become young adults, that they may decide killing bears and eating them is perfectly fine."

Even for other PETA members, this seemed to be a stretch, but McGillicutty claims she has several co-activist friends who thoroughly agree with her.

"I decided to come forward with this thought of mine after seeing that the United States Patent Office has stripped the Washington Redskins of their trademark."

Although that bit of news has nothing to do with animal cruelty, we continued our conversation with McGillicutty.

"I love bears," said an emotional McGillicutty, "and I'll go to any lengths to save them," she continued, wiping away a tear.

When reminded that this was merely a children's candy and not really aimed at making killers or hunters out of the children who ate them, McGillicutty was unconvinced.

"Oh, I've watched children scarf down those little bears with reckless abandon," she said. "They remind me of a pack of hungry hyenas going after a water buffalo carcass in Africa."

That last statement from McGillicutty begged the question "Interesting that you make that connection, Ms. McGillicutty. Certainly you are aware that Gummy Bears contain gelatin made from the collagen extracted from the carcasses of mainly cattle and pigs? Perhaps that is why you are so intent on getting this candy off the market?"

Ms. McGillicutty seemed shocked to learn this.

"You mean, I'm right? I mean, yeah, sure, I knew that. That is another reason I don't want kids eating the stuff," she said.

PETA could not be reached for comment.

Saturday, June 14, 2014

Father's Day Iron Dad Competition Cancelled Due to Lack of Registrants

BIRMINGHAM, Ala. -  The 10th Annual Father's Day Iron Dad Competition set to take place on Sunday, was cancelled at the last minute Friday when it appeared that there was only one father fit enough to take on the challenge.

Barry "Buff" Harrington was disappointed at the news saying he had been training for the Iron Dad Competition for the better part of this past year and felt sure to take home the top prize of a Sears top-of-the line treadmill.

"You have to be kidding me," said an irate Harrington when told the news.

"You mean that in the entire city of Birmingham, I am the only one who passed all the pre-qualifying tests to determine fitness for the race?"

The race, consisting of 10 minutes running, 15 minutes swimming, and 30 minutes bicycling, far less than a normal endurance competition, had only seven entrants this year, down from 23 last year. Out of that, only Buff qualified.

The Birmingham Chamber of Commerce convened immediately following the decision to determine what, if anything, they could plan on such short notice to still help fathers and their sons celebrate Father's Day together.

It was announced late Friday evening that the Chamber would host a Father/Son Eating Competition instead. Re-named the 1st Annual Father's Day Pig Out Competition would roughly follow Triathlon guidelines of three eating competitions, namely, Hot Dogs, Ribs, and Hot Wings.

As of Saturday afternoon 74 father/son teams had signed up for the competition, and ironically, all but Buff qualified.

Said Harvey Blubberson, spokesperson for the Southeastern Chapter of the Birmingham Chamber of Commerce,

"We were aware that Birmingham had a problem with obesity, but this has really driven the point home for us. From now on, when planning activities, we will take into account the fact that our citizens would much rather eat than exercise and plan accordingly."

The Birmingham CoC 1st Annual Father's Day Pig Out Competition will begin Sunday at 10 a.m. and is expected to last until the food runs out, which is anticipated to be sometime around 11 a.m. Those wishing to participate are asked to bring their own bibs.

When asked for further comment, Buff walked off in a huff.

Thursday, June 12, 2014

Kim Jong Un Hopes to Replace North Korean Meteorologists with Jim Cantore

Jim Cantore Reporting Live From North Korea
Supreme Leader Kim Jong un was hopping mad this week when, for the umpteenth time, his national hydro-meteorological scientists gave an erroneous prediction.

"You said it was going to snow!" the enraged leader shouted to the weather scientists.

"Look at me! Look at me! I am dressed for snow. I had my skis waxed. I was ready for a downhill run, and it is 80 degrees and sunny outside. I cannot go outside in the sun. it will ruin my porcelain skin. Make it snow! Make it snow right now," the leader screamed.

The scientists tried to reason with Kim Jong un, saying while they apologize for the error, they simply could not fix the problem, blaming their errors on poor equipment the state has had for decades.

"We have heard that other countries have something called dumplings radar, and if we had dumplings radar, maybe we could predict the weather better," said one unidentified meteorologist charged with the task of going outside each morning, looking up into the sky, and determining what the weather will be like for the next 24-hour period.

"It was freezing out this morning," he said. "Of course, I assumed it was cold enough to snow."

Jong un told the meteorologist his weather forecasting skills were lacking.

"You know what? You are all fired. I want Jim Cantore. Weather Channel always make me laugh. Jim Cantore always in panic. I like Jim Cantore. Get me Jim Cantore," demanded the stubby little dictator.

All attempts by Un's staff to reach Cantore have so far failed. Asked what he thought of the ridiculous notion that a leader of a closed-off country could just get whatever he wanted, Cantore was understanding.

"He's short. I get that. I'm not the tallest guy either. Of course, I'm much taller than him. He's just having a short-guy hissy fit. We all do. He'll get over it. But no, I'm not interested in living in North Korea anytime soon. Their weather is too boring," said Cantore, who was readying himself to fly into the eye of Hurricane Cristina in the Pacific Ocean in a small, single-engine Piper Cub.

Strong Solar Flare Activity May Cause Rare Moonburn Events across Globe

A space scientist at the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) has issued a warning in association with the current solar flare activity on the sun’s surface. Edmund P. Rank, a scientist at NASA’s Solar Dynamics Observatory claims that within the next 24 to 48 hours, the solar flare activity on the sun could actually create a situation where the moon glows brighter.

Dr. Rank cautions those who wish to witness the brighter moon on Thursday night, especially those living quite close to the equator, wear long pants and sleeves and cover their heads with a hat so as to limit exposure from not only the brightness of the moon, but a particularly strong stream of hot charged particles that can move outward from the sun and cause a rare skin condition known as ‘moonburn.’

“We are not joking about this people,” said Dr. Rank. “Moonburn is as rare as they come but when all the pieces line up as perfectly as these do, i.e. extremely strong solar flare activity which sends x-rays and charged particles toward earth, coupled with Coronal Mass Ejections or CME’s which are the hot charged particles that hurtle toward earth’s atmosphere, you get not only a great show, but a great show and tell.”

Dr. Rank claims that people living in Northern Ireland will have the best chance of experiencing the aurora borealis associated with the heightened flare activity. But again, he cautions “Don’t go outdoors and simply look up at the moon without the proper clothing and headgear or you will be sorry the next day.”

Because the event is short-lived, Dr. Rank believes there is really no threat of an increased risk of skin cancer. “However,” he notes, “if you do live in the northern part of the hemisphere and happen to stay out too long on Thursday evening to catch a glimpse of the heightened Aurora Borealis, you may wind up with some very red cheeks.”

Dr. Rank said that the last time this kind of event happened was in 2003, and after admiring the view of the moon in nothing more than a t-shirt and cargo shorts, he did get quite red. “In fact,” he said, “when I showed up for work a few days later, just about everyone wanted to know where I went on my tropical vacation.

I told them, the moon.”

Saturday, June 7, 2014

Iowa Man Makes Deal of a Lifetime on eBay

A Des Moines, Iowa man was the highest bidder on a 40' luxury yacht on the online auction site eBay.

Jon Q. O'Nasses, says he was at the right time at the right place and ready to make a deal, when he nabbed the luxury yacht for a mere $4000. Yes, you read that right, $4000 U.S. Dollars for a 40' luxury yacht.

The ship, named Miss Fortune, was placed for sale by its owner tarkington42, when he could no longer afford the monthly marina slip rental fee of $350 per month. The yacht is docked in Sarasota, Florida.

"I was so sad to let her go for that price," said tarkington, "but the marina rental was eating me alive, plus, the boat needs a complete engine overhaul."

While the engine overhaul wasn't mentioned on the description of the item as O'Nasses was bidding on it, he says he doesn't care if the entire boat needs an overhaul.

"I had a cool $12,000 in my savings account," said O'Nasses, "and I was willing to buy half the boat for half that amount. When I saw this come on the auction block starting at $500, I couldn't believe my eyes."

O'Nasses says he began bidding on the boat at 2 a.m. last Friday, believing he was never going to get a yacht for $6000, but luck was on his side and Miss Fortune turned his luck around when he realized a week later, as the auction came to a close, that he was the highest bidder at $4000.

Asked what a guy from Iowa is going to do with a yacht moored in Sarasota, Florida, O'Nasses replied "Well, first I'm going to fly down to Sarasota and check her out, then most likely, I'll start shopping around for bids to fix the engine.

"Once she's fixed, I'm thinking maybe I'll hire myself a seasoned caption and ask a couple of friends to accompany me on a trip to the Bahamas. Then, if that works out, who knows? I might even consider taking her across the ocean and bumming around the Greek islands for a few months."

Upon hearing this, his wife Jackie rolled her eyes, and told us, "He is a dreamer, a great big fat dreamer."

Sunday, June 1, 2014

In Honor of National Cancer Survivors Day - June 1, 2014

This is not a satire post. I am taking liberties as the owner of this blog to showcase a poem I wrote in honor of National Cancer Survivor Day. I hope it helps those who read it realize just how strong they, or whomever they know, who have survived the ravages of cancer.

I am a survivor

I am
I am alive
I am alive today
I am alive today because
I am alive today because I
I am alive today because I refuse
I am alive today because I refuse to
I am alive today because I refuse to allow
I am alive today because I refuse to allow cancer
I am alive today because I refuse to allow cancer to
I am alive today because I refuse to allow cancer to defeat
I am alive today because I refuse to allow cancer to defeat me
I am alive today because I refused to allow cancer to defeat me.
I am alive today because I refuse to allow cancer to defeat me
I am alive today because I refuse to allow cancer to defeat
I am alive today because I refuse to allow cancer to
I am alive today because I refuse to allow cancer
I am alive today because I refuse to allow
I am alive today because I refuse to
I am alive today because I refuse
I am alive today because I
I am alive today because
I am alive today
I am alive
I am.
©P. Beckert

In Pakistan, You Can't Fix Crazy

The news coming out of Pakistan lately has all the makings of a new Discovery Channel reality show. It has adultery, murder, incest, possible pedophilia; did we mention murder? As the plot unfolds on the tragic story of a woman stoned to death by her own father and brothers in Pakistan for marrying a man more than double her age, the story becomes crazier and crazier.

The so-called 'honor killing' has the entire world, well maybe not the part of the world that sees honor killings as something normal, but the rest of the world, scratching its collective head over this one.

Peeling back the layers of what we now know is an all-too typical story about the stoning of a pregnant woman for running off with a man she loved instead of marrying the man picked for her by her family, it is now being reported that the husband of the pregnant woman stoned to death, Mohammad Iqbal, was himself an adulterer, who killed his first wife so that he could marry his pregnant mistress, i.e. the stonee.

Iqbal, it seems, had been living with the young woman's family, and was 20 years her senior. He even admitted to being attracted to the woman as she was a young girl growing up. With several families sharing small, cramped living spaces, one can only surmise that the stonee was not a virgin when she was ultimately married to the murderer and subsequent widower.

If that isn't enough of a twist for you, it appears that the woman was stoned to death because she refused her family's wishes to marry her cousin and instead ran off with the adulterer. Talk about keeping it all in the family.

Is it just me, or does this sound like Deliverance Meets Osama?

If the facts, as they are coming in, are true in this case, then it is a pretty safe bet that the rules governing marriage in Pakistan are extremely different than those here in the United States. Seems the Pakistanis can't get even straight marriage right. Can you imagine if you threw same-sex marriage into the mix for them? We would surely see some self-imploding of Biblical (or Quaranian in this case) proportions in that part of the world.

With tribal laws like these running rampant in Pakistan, most people will agree "You can't fix crazy."

If ever there was an upside to this woman's death, it is that, considering all the crazy people in her life, she's more than likely better off dead, and the same is true for her unborn child, who had a 50/50 chance of being born female.