Friday, December 18, 2015

McDonald's Introduces Healthy Fries. Diners Become Hostile

The hugest fast food restaurant in the fast food business announced last month that they were introducing an alternative to their regular fat/salt-laden fries. McHealthy Fries® were added to the menu on November 17, just in time for the holidays..

The food giant took all the suggestions out of the suggestion boxes of hundreds of McDonald's restaurants across America. By far, the most suggestions were from folks who wanted to cut down on their risk of heart disease by eating fries with their Big Macs® that were less harmful to their bodies. McDonald's test kitchen chef, Edward "Ed" Ibbles, took that challenge and came up with what he termed the healthiest fries on the planet.

The folks who decided to give McHealthy Fries a try were met with an alternative they didn't expect. The McHealthy Fries, they decried, were nothing more than fresh apple and carrot sticks.

Soon after the first McHealthy Fries®began appearing on the menu, complaints started pouring in and McDonald's found itself in a huge firestorm of controversy, i.e. "what constitutes a fry?"

"They got the healthy part right," said Wilmer Deans of Shreveport, Louisiana, "but the fry part? Where's the grease?" he said, mocking another big fast food chain.

Chef Ibbles countered with "what part of the word fry is healthy? You're the ones asking for healthy fries. Seriously? If that isn't an oxymoron, then I am Colonel Sanders," to which Deans replied, "Who you calling a moron, moron?"

The fight devolved into fisticuffs with Colonel Sanders, er Chef Ibbles, taken to the hospital with a broken nose.

The fight isn't over. Less than a month after the menu change, a group of angry diners is threatening a class action suit against McDonald's for false food labeling. Meanwhile, McDonald's has taken the McHealthy Fries® off the menu for now until they can come up with something closer to a fry than an apple or a carrot.

"We were mainly concerned with the safety of our servers, both in the restaurant and those manning the drive-thru windows," said a McDonald's spokesperson known only as Ronald.

"While the 'fries' served were always refrigerated and contained no hot grease whatsoever, getting hit back in the face with a bag of apple and carrot sticks can sting," he said.

Sunday, December 13, 2015

Fruitcake--Alternative Fuel Source?

Bentonville, AR – A former Walmart employee and part-time nutty professor has begun research into alternative uses for the millions of fruitcakes that are returned every December 26th to Walmart. Speaking from the garage of his home on Vista Drive in Bentonville, Wallace Hadnough says that he got the idea of turning used fruitcake into an alternative fuel source when it was his job to throw mounds of the returned fruitcakes into the dumpsters out back. “Man, I’d bring shopping carts full of the stuff out to the dumpsters. I had to start wearing a back brace just to get through the day.”

“After about three or four days in them dumpsters, the smell of alcohol was overwhelming,” he said. “I got to thinking that if there’s that much alcohol in that stuff, I wonder if I could squeeze enough fuel out of it to run my lawnmower.” Hadnough admitted that he comes from a long line of Ozark moonshiners and this was just a natural progression for him.

He piled a bunch of the fruitcakes in the bed of his pickup and brought them back home and he’s never looked back. “That was 2 years ago, and I’ve made enough energy to power my lawnmower, my truck, and a 3500 Watt portable generator. The power companies can kiss my ass.”

Asked what he’ll do if companies stop making fruitcake, he answered “hell, that stuff has been around longer than dirt; they’ll keep making it and people will keep buying it, re-gifting it, and then throwing it away. It’s a holiday tradition. I got everyone in town bringing me their used fruitcakes. In fact, one neighbor had fruitcake in her pantry from 1973 on up,” he said. “Gotta love them hoarders.”

The only problem he has is his sister Bertha and her two daughters, Nadine and Earline. They love fruitcake and he’s got to store it before they get to his house for a visit cause they can go through it pretty fast and the energy they create from the stuff themselves, well “let’s just say I could power the generator for a day or two just from Nadine,” he chuckled.

Hadnough is searching for financial backers to fine-tune the crude fruitcake still he developed, and he’s possibly thinking of mass producing the stills for other folks who’ve had enough of high energy prices. “With this here still, err ‘compact combustible fuel extractor’ and about 1,000 fruitcakes a week, I can run my refrigerator and my hot water heater, and the TV just about every day of the week. If I need to run the washer, I just throw a few more fruitcakes in the still and in about 14 hours I’ve got clean, pure Claxtogas (named for the famous Claxton Fruitcake Co.)

When asked if this is all he’s working on, Hadnough answered “hell no. I got an idea of pressing used fruitcakes into compressed logs to use in fireplaces,” he said smiling. “There’s so much of this stuff out there, it’ll take me years to go through what I already have stockpiled and another Christmas is just around the corner.”

Friday, October 23, 2015

The Solar Tsunami Headed Toward Earth What NASA Isn’t Saying

From Astronomy Daily:

Hold onto your Ass-teroids folks.

While NASA was trying to get our attention by telling us a Solar Tsunami is nothing to worry about and would only be responsible for bringing the Aurora Borealis further south for viewing, the very fact that the term tsunami was being used should have tipped us off that this was no ordinary magnetic field headed our way. We saw the effects of the tsunami that hit Indonesia and it was not all pink and green ribbons of light. It was death and destruction. If you’re going to use a word like tsunami, you better be ready to back it up with facts, which NASA unfortunately could not.

A tip off that something bigger than just a pretty light show in the night sky is that NASA is putting off repairs of the space station until Friday. Hmmm, wonder why? Is that a wait-and-see attitude? Why spend the money on the space station if there was a chance of it being obliterated Wednesday morning? Hmmm? Just a hunch.

All NASA would say is that a larger than normal solar flare was spotted on the surface of the Sun and it was headed toward Earth and was expected to reach us by early in the morning on August 4th. If you are one of those people who wait until the Vernal Equinox in spring to stand an egg on its head, then you were probably that much more interested in this event.

Just what the flare would produce, remained a mystery. The most anyone could say is that it would produce green and pink ribbons across the sky and be visible to anyone living in the northernmost part of the country as long as they aren’t in a highly-lit area. However, if you’ve been fortunate enough to see NASA’s photographs of the flare, what it looked like was a giant fiery door that was headed our way, and our imagination tells us that anything or anyone that may have passed through it, if they did not get burned beyond recognition, would have witnessed one of the most amazing things in their lifetime, that and your cell phones and iPods and other electronic devices were expected to be on the blink temporarily as the doorway reached our atmosphere.

So, whether you were bold enough to stand outdoors in the wee hours of the morning of August 4th hoping to catch a glimpse of this solar tsunami, or you decided to cower under your bed and hope to hell our imaginations were wrong, either way, it came and went, and there’s really nothing anyone can do about it now. But we are still scratching our heads and saying “what if?”

Next week, we’ll discuss that errant asteroid that’s been headed our way for decades.

Monday, August 17, 2015

Donald Trump: Kim Jong Un Would Make Awesome Vice President

...that little guy scares the crap outta me, and that's the kind of guy we need

Speaking on Meet the Press this morning, the Donald was again in rare form as he used his particular brand of "shock politics" to keep his lead in the race for the GOP nomination for President.

When pressed on his comments as to whom he would choose as his running mate, he confirmed that he wouldn't rule out former pro wrestler and Minnesota Governor, Jesse Ventura, or television mogul, Oprah Winfrey, if either of them took him up on his deal.

"Hell, ideally, I'd love to ask N. Korea leader Kim Jong Un to run alongside me, but there are rules in place, and I guess, rightfully so, that say anyone running for the two top spots in the country have to be from this country.

"Fair enough," said Trump, "but ideally, yeah, I think Kim has the kahoonies to be a great Vice President. He sure as hell wouldn't take any lip from anyone, except me of course because I'd be his boss, but if  you ask me straight up, that little guy scares the crap outta me, and that's the kind of guy we need in the 2nd highest office in the country."

Asked, then, if he scared the crap out of himself, Trump looked a bit bewildered and said "Well, no,
Chuck, I don't scare the crap out of myself, but I'm pretty sure I'm scaring the crap out of all those guys, oh, and one gal, excuse me, who are running against me in this election."

Trump then went on to talk about race in this country.

"Let's talk about getting this country back, ok? Like for instance, just say, for the sake of argument, I was born in Hell's Kitchen, which I might have been, but for the sake of argument, I was born in Hell's Kitchen. I think that's enough to get the black vote don't you think?"

To which Chuck Todd replied, "Well, I'm pretty sure you weren't born in Hell's Kitchen, Mr. Trump."

Trump then replied, "but if I was born in Kenya…" and trailed off.

Saturday, June 6, 2015

Losers Claim Win-Win Just a Ploy to Sell Books

Losers around the world are waking up today to the sad realization that regardless of what they've been told in school and the workplace, the win-win scenario just doesn't exist.

"It's a ploy," said Ben Down from Montauk, NY, who admits he spent thousands on self-help, "feel good" books and tapes before realizing it was all a scam.

"I played along for most of my life and look where it's gotten me," he said from the sad little 8 x 10 room he now calls home at the Happy-go-Lucky Retirement Home just a few blocks from where he once lived.

Down and millions like him say they would love to blow the cover off the win-win folks, but they simply don't have a clue as to who they might be. More importantly, most losers say they just don't have the gumption. 

"Oh, I tried to grab life by the balls many a time," he said, "but just could never get a good grip on 'em and ended up saying the hell with it. Maybe I took that term a little too literally," he said nodding off to sleep, waking up long enough to add "Falderdall," before slumping into a restful nap.

Many others are telling similar stories.

"Oh yeah, I hear opportunity knocking all right," said Dee Flayted, "but before I can even get the door all the way open, some snot-nosed kid down the hall slams up against it and smashes it back into my face. Win-win, whatta laugh," she said scornfully.

Flayted says she even dished out a bunch of money to attend a leadership conference.

"Things were going well until someone said to me 'positive and negative are directions. Which direction do you choose?' I chose down."

Said Flayted, "When you experience your first win-lose situation, you may as well resign yourself to the fact that lose-lose is just around the corner."

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Idaho State Senator Furious Over Virtual Lap Dance Ban

Ed. Note: First published last year around CPAC Convention time.

BOISE, Idaho - Sen. Sam Getzless of Pocatello, Idaho is fuming mad about the recent bill passed in his state banning virtual lap dances, otherwise known as "laptop dances." Getzless claims the ban will affect roughly half the population as roughly half the residents of Idaho are male. Roughly.

"What a man does in the privacy of his own home should be sacred," said Getzless, after waiting for the results of a vote on the Senate floor. When the vote finally came in narrowly in favor of banning the virtual sexual activity on any laptop anywhere in the state of Idaho, Getzless could not contain his anger at his fellow lawmakers.

"Well, folks, there goes Idaho's chances of ever hosting a CPAC convention!" he screamed to a packed Senate.

The bill is expected to be signed into law next week.

"I can't speak for the rest of Idaho, but I can say that my own city, Pocatello, has always been known as Smile City, but after today, we will most likely have to change our motto to Grimace City,'" said Getzless, in an overly dramatic post-vote speech.

Getzless says he's going to fight the law by every means possible.

"Pocatello is also known as Gate City," added Getzless, "and if we aren't careful, it's gonna turn very quickly into 'Gay City' after today's vote."

The Senator was asked if that should even be a bona fide argument, as Getzless himself just stated that what a man does in his own home should be sacred. Getzless just stared blankly at the reporter and continued his tirade.

"I believe banning this particular online sex act is just the first step toward making Idaho another Utah," said Getzless.

A quick check of the state statutes shows a fairly new law on the books allowing pole dancing in the privacy of one's home. Asked if he could just get his wife to do a pole dance for him instead of making such a fuss about laptop dancing, the Senator responded, "Have you seen my wife?"

The Senator claims the fight isn't over.

"I think there is a good chance I can sway the opinion of the Governor and get him to veto this bill," he said.

"There ain't but a couple strip clubs in the city of Pocatello, but I'll find a nice decent one and invite his honor to accompany me one evening to see for himself just how important lap dances are."

Asked why he doesn't just invite the Governor to his home to enjoy a laptop dance, Getzless admitted he would if he thought it would change the Governor's mind, but his wife has banned all internet from his home.

Friday, February 27, 2015

Scott Walker Declares Himself a Wisconsin Hero

UPDATE: Seeing as Scott Walker is quickly becoming the Republican frontrunner in the 2016 Presidenetial elections, I thought sharing this little tidbit would be in order.

Scott Walker defines a hero as “someone who, against all odds, does what is necessary to fight evil in the world.” And so it is that Walker believes that he is doing the right thing by making sure teachers don’t bankrupt the state.

“If we were to pay teachers what they would like to be paid, and give them the benefits they believe they should get, there would be nothing left to give to the private sector folks whom I pledged my allegiance to in order to get elected,” said Walker. “I have a duty to those folks and I am a man of my word.”

While teachers have a thing or two to say about the matter, Scott Walker has said time and time again that if any of those teachers wanted to make laws, “they should have become politicians, not teachers.”

In a related story, Walker denies that his apparent grudge against teachers is fueled by a childhood experience where, in 7th grade, his science teacher made fun of his baking soda volcano science project, calling it “so 5th Grade.” 

Thursday, February 26, 2015

Bill O'Reilly Shoots Own Foot to Prove He's Seen Combat

The controversy continues over whether or not the O'Reilly Factor host, Bill O'Reilly, actually saw real live combat while covering stories in El Salvador and the Falkland Islands, even over O'Reilly's objections. And the stronger he protests, the more people are coming out in support of the reporters who first brought this news story to light.

Days after a report by journalists, David Corn and Daniel Schulman of Mother Jones, a progressive newspaper, reported that in fact O'Reilly misrepresented the fact that he saw combat in the aforementioned "active" war zones, Bill O'Reilly and Fox News are standing behind O'Reilly's account 100%.

So, today, O'Reilly got out his trusty revolver and shot himself in his foot, requiring a trip to the local hospital. (Accounts of whether or not he actually shot himself or was shot by one of the Fox News station's mail clerks is still being investigated.)

"Was I scared? Hell no, I wasn't scared," said a recovering O'Reilly.

"I think this proves once and for all that I saw combat not only in the Falklands but also in El Salvador, and now, in New York City.

"And I'll tell you another thing," he said, his bravado pumped up by the pain killers he was prescribed at the ER.

"When Bill O'Reilly says he's done something, then by God, I'll do everything in my power to make sure his story is backed up by facts, even if I have to make some of those facts up, which I didn't, but if I did, then I would."

Mr. O'Reilly was then given another dose of pain medication and drifted back into the dreamland Fox News created for just this scenario.

In a related news story, David Corn has promised that from now on, he'll stick to reporting genuine news stories, instead of taking down liars.

Corn commented, "It just isn't worth my time when you show someone evidence and they still don't remember the facts. I'm not so much worried about how he presented the truth, I'm more concerned about his loss of memory. I hope he gets the help he needs."

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

God Bless You Protocol Gains Steam in Republican Senate

In case you haven't heard, the Republican members of the 114th U.S. Congress are on a mission to (1) finally take down Obamacare, and (2) make this the session of Congress the most God-fearing session in history.

Damned be hell on the big issues that are plaguing our country such as immigration reform, getting the unemployed back to work, affordable housing, and fixing our ailing infrastructure, the Republicans are focused on the minutia that some say keeps them up at night.

Take, for instance, the fact that now more than 3/4 of our population do not say God Bless you when they hear someone sneeze (yes, look it up, the research exists).

At least for two Senate members, i.e. Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) and Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC), this issue has been at the forefront of their agendas, and say that now that they have the support of a majority of their fellow Senators, it is time to take action.

That is why Sens. Cruz and Graham have joined forces and called on Congress to issue a mandate that would require all members of the House and Senate to make it their number one priority to say God Bless you every time they hear one of their fellow Congressmen sneeze.

"This has been eating at me for quite some time," said Sen. Graham at a recent fundraiser for the Republican Party.

"Just recently, I got the flu and was sneezing my fool head off, and do you know that only a handful of my colleagues took the time to stop what they were doing, you know, hand shaking, penning important legislation to get President Obama booted from the White House, things like that, to even say a simple blessing over my sneezes? I was appalled," said the now-healthy (thank the Lord) Senator.

"And that's just the Republicans...forget about the Democrats," he said.

Graham and Cruz say they now have enough votes to get the measure passed as official protocol for every sneeze that occurs within the two chambers of Congress.

"It is an idea whose time has come," said Sen. Cruz, on his way to a luncheon to support saving the blackstrap molasses refining process which he says is under attack by the (in his words) "environmental nuts" running around trying to take blackstrap molasses out of the making of his favorite ginger snap cookies.

If passed, the protocol would mean that every member of Congress who is Christian would be required to issue a "God Bless you" in rapid response to anyone sneezing within earshot.

"It's the least we can do for our fellow Congressmen," said Graham.

"Lord knows that's just one more important issue we can put behind us to get us ready to fight the big battles raging in front of us."

Asked what he thought were some other important issues that should be addressed by this Congress, he thought for a moment, and then replied, "Well, for one, I'd like to see the bathroom stalls retrofitted with multi-media plug in receptors for our cell phones and iPads.

"Those long lunches can play havoc on ones internal functions, and well, it would be nice to know that if my iPhone loses power while I'm in there, I can plug it in, and keep going (talking on the phone, that is)," he said sheepishly.

Ted Cruz, in the meantime, said he is working on other pressing issues as well such as making sure there are enough limos to go around when a big luncheon is planned at an off-site location.

"I, for one, am pretty darned tired of having to show up at an important fundraiser in a common taxi just because my assistant was a little slow on the draw in getting me an acceptable limo in time to ferry me to the event," he said.

Cruz's idea would ensure that more than ten new limousine companies are added to the already burgeoning number of companies licensed to do business in and around the Washington, D.C. area.

For the time being, just knowing that if they, or any of their colleagues, Christian or not, gets a cold or suffers from seasonal allergies are being blessed when sneezing, it will be one less issue ticked off the Senators' important things-to-do lists.

"Oh, and one last thing," said Ted Cruz.

"President Obama, we are watching you, and we expect no less than 3 to 5 direct professions of love for this country in your next major political speech, or so help me God, we are going to make Rudy Giuliani our next Presidential nominee."

Monday, January 26, 2015

Ten Things You Might Hear at the Apocalypse

1. Man, I didn’t see that coming.

2. Wow, where’d you learn to ride a horse like that?

3. There goes the wheat crop.

4. President Cheney announced today that China…

5. I never figured God could get this mad.

6. Man, it’s hotter than hell out here today, ain’t it?

7. Well, doc, the headaches started about the same time I began the teeth gnashing.

8. Met this girl at the bar last night and invited her up for a nightcap. One minute we’re talking about rapture and the next minute she’s gone.

9. Does anyone know what seal we’re up to now? Is it six, seven?

10. She was a semi-successful writer until she decided to write that satirical piece about the end of the world.

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Nightmares Prompt Kim Jong-un to Take Up Zumba

Apparently, fear of his dead father is resurfacing in a big way and has been keeping N. Korean supreme leader Kim Jong-un up nights for well over a year now. The leader is said to be suffering from an ongoing bout of the vapors, leaving him feeling puny and out of sorts.

A recurring nightmare finds the North Korean leader face-to-face with his not-so-dead father who is taking the pudgy little tyrant to task for not being such a tyrant after all. It has been reported that Un wakes up every night drenched in sweat and screaming "I hate you, I'm sorry, I hate you, I'm sorry..." in rapid succession until his wife slaps him awake.

The nightmares are leaving the rotund leader unable to keep up with the propaganda machine he inherited from his father. Even taking the nickname Beloved Leader has not convinced him or his countrymen that he is, in fact, beloved or a leader.

Many speculate that the nightmares are directly linked to the controversy surrounding the Seth Rogen/James Franco satirical movie The Interview, the premise of which is an assassination plot on Un's life. However, sources close to Un claim that simply isn't true.

"At the rate these nightmares are coming, the supreme leader actually would welcome death over having to explain himself to his father one more night," claim sources close to Un.

In fact, what really seems to trouble the leader is his feelings of inadequacy for not being able to measure up (physically and mentally) to the titles bestowed upon him, all of which intimate a deity-like presence.

"I cannot step into God's shoes as easily as my father, Glorious General, Who Descended from Heaven," Un is claimed to have revealed just moments before having his uncle executed for his (said uncle's) inability to resemble anything remotely god-like, causing much embarrassment during one of North Korea's most holiest holidays, Missile Launching Day.

Hoping to come close to that title, Un was advised by his personal physician to purchase a Chinese knockoff version of a Zumba tape in hopes that practicing a full hour of Zumba, or Kim-Ba as it is now known in North Korea, every night before going to bed may boost the dejected leader's ego to one that may eventually rival that of his dead father.

Asked how this might be accomplished, the doctor could only surmise that, if done properly, Kim-Ba would calm Un, in addition to helping him lose weight, which, in turn, may possibly earn him the respect of his father during the aforementioned dreams, and help him become more than a mere supreme leader--something which has been weighing heavily on his mind ever since Un saw a bootleg version of Taco Bell's television commercial touting the tastiness of the food chain's supreme chalupa.

While his father went by many nicknames, some of which included Mastermind of the Revolution, Superior Person, and Brilliant Leader, Un has said more than once if he could just be called Regular Guy who Doesn't Resemble a Dumpling, or even Supreme Chalupa, it would suit him just fine.

If all goes well, Kim-Ba might just be the exercise program that would make that happen for the pudgy little dictator, not to mention the entire country of North Korea, which it is hoped someday to be known collectively not as the Deluded Masses, but the Toned and Trim Deluded Masses.