Overworked Guardian Angels Putting Lives at Risk

Sorry Buddy, You're
On Your Own

Today’s busy lifestyles are beginning to take a toll on the angelic presence sent here to protect us according to a Catholic priest who says he’s personally witnessed his fair share of Guardian Angel meltdowns.

Brother John David Patrick O’Malley of Boston, Massachusetts claims that he is getting an inordinate amount of calls to give last rites to people who claim that angels are visiting them in the hospital and telling them basically that they are on their own.

“I show up to see someone who claims they have a life-threatening infection after getting a paper cut and I’m thinking ‘what the hey?’” said O’Malley.

“A rash is incurable and a headache means life or death for someone who’s just been told they have meningitis,” said the over-stressed priest. “Everyday maladies that used to require a band-aid, some anti-itch cream, or a couple of aspirin are now putting people at risk of dying if they don’t get to the hospital fast.”

Asked if he knows what is causing these extreme conditions to manifest in otherwise healthy individuals, O’Malley said he does but not many doctors are taking him seriously.

“Our guardian angels are being over-worked,” he said. “We are taking advantage, actually have been taking advantage for some time now, and they are just fed up,” he said resignedly.

“I know, they are supposed to be there through it all, to catch us when the bungee cord breaks, take the wheel when we have had a little too much to drink, or mop up the floors before we take a walk down aisle three at the supermarket, but we are blowing it. Texting while driving, not taking our full prescription of antibiotics, relying on unscrupulous drug dealers…there are too many of us taking too many risks, and we have basically worn our guardian angels out.”

O’Malley says it’s like the teachers strike in Chicago. Teachers were hired to teach a class of no more than thirty kids and instead are faced with 40 or more students who all need special attention.

“It’s way too much for them to handle and they are dropping the ball, or rather, we are dropping the ball, slipping on it, fracturing our skulls, and instead of waiting for them to get to the emergency room, we are checking out early cause our guardian angels are deserting us,” said O’Malley.

Jesus Upstaged in Easter Mass by Cardinal Defending Pope

For the first time in Roman Catholic history, Easter Mass was not about Jesus’ resurrection but about the Pope being a great leader of the Catholic Church in spite of many claims of sexual abuse by priests all over the world and the Pope’s inefficient handling of the scandal.

Said one cardinal, “sometimes it’s about more than Jesus. It’s about how the Church can handle a scandal and this Pope is doing a great job of it.” People there to hear a message of how Jesus died on the cross for their sins, were first treated to cries of “Benny, Benny, he’s our man, if he can’t do it, no one can.”

Said one of the faithful in attendance, “thank goodness we have clergy who can turn the bleak into the positive and get us believing in the Church again. Finally, a day where we weren’t reminded of how awfully some of our priests have behaved towards the young, but how great our Pope is and how much we owe to his ability to keep the Church from falling into disharmony. Long live Pope Benedict!”

The cardinals in attendance were in agreement. “Easter could not have come at a better time, when people are in the mood to forgive just like Jesus died to have our sins forgiven. Absolutely perfect, perfect timing,” said one.

New Old Age Replacing New Age as New Age-Old Age

In the blink of an eye, the New Age will be over, and the New Old Age will take over.  Sources close to the divine greatness himself known only as a whisper have confirmed that before the end of the second decade of 2000, the world, as we know it, will be changed forever. 

This gives us little time to figure out how the New Old Age thing is going to work or if we are even going to be taking part in it. For the time being, many questions abound such as: Will the New Old Age be in any way similar to the New Age? Is it a new belief system based on old teachings or, is it an old belief system based on old teachings or, is it a new belief system based on new teachings of an old nature? Why is it called New if it is Old?

Initial whisperings indicates that New Old Age just is, and makes perfectly clear that it is not a belief system in the current understanding, but something that will replace all the earthly belief systems as simply an age.

Said one early follower: “This truly is unbelievable, when you start to understand and follow it.”

In secret settlements being erected in caves somewhere deep in the mountains of Peru, new beings known as New Old Age Heralds or (NOAH’s) are busy channeling new beings into being. When the time comes, the means to do this will be taught to everyone on the planet who survives the New Old Age conversion. For the time being though, these beings are being kept in complete secrecy.