Friday, February 27, 2015

Scott Walker Declares Himself a Wisconsin Hero

UPDATE: Seeing as Scott Walker is quickly becoming the Republican frontrunner in the 2016 Presidenetial elections, I thought sharing this little tidbit would be in order.

Scott Walker defines a hero as “someone who, against all odds, does what is necessary to fight evil in the world.” And so it is that Walker believes that he is doing the right thing by making sure teachers don’t bankrupt the state.

“If we were to pay teachers what they would like to be paid, and give them the benefits they believe they should get, there would be nothing left to give to the private sector folks whom I pledged my allegiance to in order to get elected,” said Walker. “I have a duty to those folks and I am a man of my word.”

While teachers have a thing or two to say about the matter, Scott Walker has said time and time again that if any of those teachers wanted to make laws, “they should have become politicians, not teachers.”

In a related story, Walker denies that his apparent grudge against teachers is fueled by a childhood experience where, in 7th grade, his science teacher made fun of his baking soda volcano science project, calling it “so 5th Grade.” 

Thursday, February 26, 2015

Bill O'Reilly Shoots Own Foot to Prove He's Seen Combat

The controversy continues over whether or not the O'Reilly Factor host, Bill O'Reilly, actually saw real live combat while covering stories in El Salvador and the Falkland Islands, even over O'Reilly's objections. And the stronger he protests, the more people are coming out in support of the reporters who first brought this news story to light.

Days after a report by journalists, David Corn and Daniel Schulman of Mother Jones, a progressive newspaper, reported that in fact O'Reilly misrepresented the fact that he saw combat in the aforementioned "active" war zones, Bill O'Reilly and Fox News are standing behind O'Reilly's account 100%.

So, today, O'Reilly got out his trusty revolver and shot himself in his foot, requiring a trip to the local hospital. (Accounts of whether or not he actually shot himself or was shot by one of the Fox News station's mail clerks is still being investigated.)

"Was I scared? Hell no, I wasn't scared," said a recovering O'Reilly.

"I think this proves once and for all that I saw combat not only in the Falklands but also in El Salvador, and now, in New York City.

"And I'll tell you another thing," he said, his bravado pumped up by the pain killers he was prescribed at the ER.

"When Bill O'Reilly says he's done something, then by God, I'll do everything in my power to make sure his story is backed up by facts, even if I have to make some of those facts up, which I didn't, but if I did, then I would."

Mr. O'Reilly was then given another dose of pain medication and drifted back into the dreamland Fox News created for just this scenario.

In a related news story, David Corn has promised that from now on, he'll stick to reporting genuine news stories, instead of taking down liars.

Corn commented, "It just isn't worth my time when you show someone evidence and they still don't remember the facts. I'm not so much worried about how he presented the truth, I'm more concerned about his loss of memory. I hope he gets the help he needs."

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

God Bless You Protocol Gains Steam in Republican Senate

In case you haven't heard, the Republican members of the 114th U.S. Congress are on a mission to (1) finally take down Obamacare, and (2) make this the session of Congress the most God-fearing session in history.

Damned be hell on the big issues that are plaguing our country such as immigration reform, getting the unemployed back to work, affordable housing, and fixing our ailing infrastructure, the Republicans are focused on the minutia that some say keeps them up at night.

Take, for instance, the fact that now more than 3/4 of our population do not say God Bless you when they hear someone sneeze (yes, look it up, the research exists).

At least for two Senate members, i.e. Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) and Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC), this issue has been at the forefront of their agendas, and say that now that they have the support of a majority of their fellow Senators, it is time to take action.

That is why Sens. Cruz and Graham have joined forces and called on Congress to issue a mandate that would require all members of the House and Senate to make it their number one priority to say God Bless you every time they hear one of their fellow Congressmen sneeze.

"This has been eating at me for quite some time," said Sen. Graham at a recent fundraiser for the Republican Party.

"Just recently, I got the flu and was sneezing my fool head off, and do you know that only a handful of my colleagues took the time to stop what they were doing, you know, hand shaking, penning important legislation to get President Obama booted from the White House, things like that, to even say a simple blessing over my sneezes? I was appalled," said the now-healthy (thank the Lord) Senator.

"And that's just the Republicans...forget about the Democrats," he said.

Graham and Cruz say they now have enough votes to get the measure passed as official protocol for every sneeze that occurs within the two chambers of Congress.

"It is an idea whose time has come," said Sen. Cruz, on his way to a luncheon to support saving the blackstrap molasses refining process which he says is under attack by the (in his words) "environmental nuts" running around trying to take blackstrap molasses out of the making of his favorite ginger snap cookies.

If passed, the protocol would mean that every member of Congress who is Christian would be required to issue a "God Bless you" in rapid response to anyone sneezing within earshot.

"It's the least we can do for our fellow Congressmen," said Graham.

"Lord knows that's just one more important issue we can put behind us to get us ready to fight the big battles raging in front of us."

Asked what he thought were some other important issues that should be addressed by this Congress, he thought for a moment, and then replied, "Well, for one, I'd like to see the bathroom stalls retrofitted with multi-media plug in receptors for our cell phones and iPads.

"Those long lunches can play havoc on ones internal functions, and well, it would be nice to know that if my iPhone loses power while I'm in there, I can plug it in, and keep going (talking on the phone, that is)," he said sheepishly.

Ted Cruz, in the meantime, said he is working on other pressing issues as well such as making sure there are enough limos to go around when a big luncheon is planned at an off-site location.

"I, for one, am pretty darned tired of having to show up at an important fundraiser in a common taxi just because my assistant was a little slow on the draw in getting me an acceptable limo in time to ferry me to the event," he said.

Cruz's idea would ensure that more than ten new limousine companies are added to the already burgeoning number of companies licensed to do business in and around the Washington, D.C. area.

For the time being, just knowing that if they, or any of their colleagues, Christian or not, gets a cold or suffers from seasonal allergies are being blessed when sneezing, it will be one less issue ticked off the Senators' important things-to-do lists.

"Oh, and one last thing," said Ted Cruz.

"President Obama, we are watching you, and we expect no less than 3 to 5 direct professions of love for this country in your next major political speech, or so help me God, we are going to make Rudy Giuliani our next Presidential nominee."