Most Church Leaders Not Looking Forward to Rapture

A recent survey of religious leaders from hundreds of Christian churches across the nation indicates a startling fact…they are not really looking forward to the Rapture. For those who have been hiding under a rock for the past 150 or so years, the Rapture is to occur during the second coming of Christ when true believers are swept up to escape the tribulation, or something like that.

Anyway, who knew that some Christian leaders are not so keen on the idea of a rapture of their congregations?

“We were looking forward to donations from these folks for at least a few more years,” said Father James David of the Apostolic Christian Christ’s Holy Christian Temple in Farnsmore, Indiana.

“We’ve been counting on renovating the Church basement since last spring when the sump pump went out and de-lectrified all our appliances and left a gaping hole in the middle of the dining hall.”

Other pastors who completed the survey had similar tales of woe. “You can’t do God’s work if God’s taking the money to heaven,” claimed one particularly distraught minister from Minnesota who admits the time just seemed to get away from him and he hadn’t realized the end times were upon us.

“Not to worry,” says one Biblical scholar who has been studying the Bible for years.

“While we don’t want to jump to any conclusions just yet, it would appear that the ‘rapture’ as it is being taught today is merely a made-up event to keep us Christians on the straight and narrow.”

This scholar warns us against false prophesies and assures everyone that the chances of a parishioner getting hit by a bus or dying of a heart attack are far more likely than them being swept up by Jesus Christ their Lord and Savior.

According to his research, the word rapture doesn’t even appear in the King James version of the Bible and in fact, the doctrine of the rapture may have first been propagated by an English Presbyterian preacher named Edward Irving in the 1830’s.

One Baptist minister from Oklahoma, however, claims he has no problems whatsoever with the rapture, as he has already planned ahead one way or the other.

“I ain’t taking no chances. I’ve got all my parishioners’ promises in writing to leave everything they own to the Church before they go to the great beyond,” which begs the question…if the pastor believes in the rapture, and more importantly, if he’s swept up to heaven with Jesus, who’ll be left to spend it?

Crap, I Totally Blew Off the Day of Doom

Stefano Bonazzi

Well, I had every good intention of giving the End of the World* my undivided attention. 

Unfortunately, I had several things on my to do list that took precedence and, before I knew it, the day was upon me. Looked at my watch and it was half past midnight on the 21^st of May.

Oh sure, I know I have until 6 p.m. to get something written about the world coming to an end today, but honestly, my day is pretty much packed with other stuff to do.

But I promise, if I get a few minutes later on today, I’ll throw something together because, let’s face it. The end of the world really does deserve at least a mention, don’t you think?

*Latest Chicken Little, Harold Camping from Oakland, California, predicts there will be major earthquakes today that will signal the end times. Should arrive around 6 p.m. but not sure if that is central, mountain, standard or daylight savings time, so stay on your toes people and wear your good underwear. Don’t wanna be embarrassed during the rapture. Meanwhile, I have to get to the store. We’re out of toilet paper.

How Atheists Can Cash in on the Rapture

(Here's a reprise of an earlier post...appropriate for today's events)

In a post-rapture world, it is believed that atheists and agnostics may be faced with horrendous living conditions on Earth. However, it doesn’t have to be the end of the world. With pre- and post-rapture business opportunities already beginning to spring up around the country, life on earth for those of you who aren’t going to make it through to the next round may still have somewhat of a silver lining if you plan ahead.

We were able to find a couple of businesses that have already begun cashing in on the rapture business. One of them, Eternal Earth-Bound Pets, USA is a pet-sitting service offered by atheists who are pretty sure that although righteous pet owners will make it into heaven, their pets may not be so lucky. So, for a fee paid prior to the rapture, they will care for your earthbound pet once you’ve crossed over.

Taking Eternal Earth-Bound Pets’ lead, we’ve come up with a few other business ideas that we believe have great potential of thriving before, during and after the rapture period. We urge you to act fast:

Heathen Life Insurance – For those of you who know you are going to be caught up in the rapture, but are also pretty certain that your wayward spouses or children will be left behind, this insurance will make incremental cash payouts as needed to your loved ones for incidentals like fire-proof clothing, dental work due to increased gnashing of teeth, and ear plugs to drown out the incessant sound of moaning .

Pre-Paid MRE Gift Certificates – MRE’s (meals ready to eat) are a staple of the potential disaster crowd and you can cash in on the craze too by buying up stores of MRE’s and then selling gift certificates to those who are sure they will be raptured to give to their less-fortunate family members to cash in once the apocalypse is upon them. You’ll be selling peace of mind to your clients that the loved ones they left behind will have at least one square meal a day thanks to their capacity to plan ahead.

Psychological Counseling Services for Evangelists and False Prophets – That’s right, the ones who preached the hardest about fire and brimstone, but who, in the end, didn’t make the final cut, will be left down here to be ridiculed by the very people they ridiculed. They are going to need the most help dealing with their failure, and with all that money in their coffers, you may just clean up.

Reality Counselors – As with fallen religious figures, there are going to be a huge number of regular folks as well left behind who honestly thought they would be caught up in the rapture. They will be disillusioned and in denial, but with the proper counseling, they may eventually come to accept their Lot in life and carry on as if nothing has changed thanks to your psychological handiwork.

Post-Rapture Storage Facilities – Start selling post-rapture storage space to those who know for a fact that they are going to be swept up but can’t stand the thought of looters going after their art collections, expensive jewelry, or family heirlooms. All you need to do is buy up a few blocks of storage space, preferably climate-controlled and fire-proof, in every city in every state, and then rake in the dollars as you allow folks to load them up with their valuables.

Anti-Christ Weapons Dealer – While no one really knows what type of weapon can kill an Anti-Christ or if such a weapon actually exists, the majority of folks left on earth after the rapture are going to want to do everything in their power to protect themselves from the evil that is to come. You may be able to capitalize on their fear by selling guns that shoot silver bullets, wooden stakes and the ever popular Star Wars light sabers.

“Days of the Apocalypse” 2013 Calendars, Coins and Plates Pre-Sale – Start taking deposits now of $5 each for orders on calendars, commemorative coins and collective plates depicting scenes from the end days believed to hit around December 21, 2012. This isn’t just a world event, it is anticipated to be “the” world event and how better to commemorate it than with beautifully crafted calendars, coins and collective plates?

You see, it may be too late for you to get caught up in the rapture, or you may not even be concerned about being caught up in the rapture, but you can make a quick buck off of it if you plan early enough.