Sunday, March 10, 2013

Sinead O’Connor Shreds Picture of Pope Benedict XVI, Everyone Cheers

Sinead O’Connor has been vindicated. The news of Pope Benedict XVI stepping down as head of the Vatican left a world stunned, but according to reports, Sinead O’Connor didn’t miss a beat.

At a recent concert, she appeared on stage with an 8 x 10 glossy of the last Pope and before uttering a word, silently ripped the photo to shreds. This time the crowd roared in defense of her actions. No longer was the popular Irish singer a villain in the eyes of her fellow Catholics, but a heroine for having the courage and conviction to stand up for a cause that remained under the covers of the Catholic four- poster for way too long.

After the cheers subsided, O’Connor simply said, “See? I told you so,” and promptly left the stage.

The crowd erupted in chants of “War, War, War,” urging the embattled singer to come back on stage and sing the Bob Marley song that brought her infamy back in 1992. 

As many will remember, it was during a live taping of Saturday Night Live where O’Connor tore up a photograph of then Pope John Paul II while calling him evil immediately after singing the War song and replacing the word ‘racism’ with ‘child abuse.’ 

At this recent appearance, however, O’Connor obliged willingly, and immediately started singing the song. This time, instead of jeers, her song, when finished, was met with thunderous applause and cheers. Some attendees actually sang along.

With that, the ordained Catholic priest of the Irish Orthodox Catholic and Apostolic Church blessed the crowd, and assured everyone that, although she thinks she’d make a fine Pope, she’s pretty sure her name has not made the final cut at the Conclave. She then left the stage a second time, fully vindicated.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

What Potheads, Bikers, and Taylor Swift Have in Common

Not these bikers, you idiot!

New figures out indicate that blogs featuring pot, bikers, and Taylor Swift get the most hits and the most forum posts of any other, including porn, according to the Worldwide Association of Gossip Syndicate or WAGS.

While Potheads and Pot took the top spot with close to 14 million forum posts in the past three months, bikers came in a close second with 12.5 million. Taylor Swift came in third in America with 9.2 million posts, but if you combined all the posts she got in America with those from Japan, she would have taken down the bikers and the potheads, easily beating them two to one.

“Potheads are a no-brainer,” claims Morris Tunder, chief strategist for the association. “They love listening to tunes on the internet and then sharing their love of listening to tunes while complaining that they aren’t allowed to smoke their weed openly…wait what was I just saying?”

Bikers were no surprise as well to WAGS, especially with Biker Week in Daytona upon us. The days of the hairy, caveman-like biker who wouldn’t be caught dead with a laptop, has given way to the weekend warrior biker, who, by day is anything from a futures trader to your kids’ dentist who likes to talk about riding his hog more than he actually does.

Biker Week is the one week out of the year to get out there and make some memories so he and the old lady can get back home, retire to their separate bedrooms and post away about how awesome bike life is. It is a growing trend that doesn’t seem to be slowing any.

As a side note, Hells Angels MC Club laptop covers are outselling Outlaws MC Club laptop covers two to one; however, the Hells Angels phone app hasn’t quite caught on as quickly as the club would have liked. Still, merchandise sales are robust this time of year especially due to the fact that most bikers can now afford all the paraphernalia necessary to look smart during Bike Week.

And Taylor Swift, well, we still don’t get it, but she must be doing something right because she is holding her own against bikers and pot. Her fan forums alone get hundreds of thousands of posts talking about everything from sparkly nail polish to how many times Kanye West has dissed the diva of country pop.

Speaking of Kanye West, when asked his opinion as to why he thought Swift got so many hits per day compared to his measly 1 million or so, West simply replied, “Hell, I’m the reason she gets so many posts, Khaters!”

Meanwhile, Tunder concluded “If there were a way to get Taylor Swift to perform at Bike Week, and someone was able to snap a picture of her taking a couple hits off a bong during that time, there is no doubt that would be the one event that would have the potential of crashing the internet.”

Saturday, March 2, 2013

Massive Sinkhole Threatens to Rip Florida in Half

Tampa, FL – Mildred and Juan Scoleri were outdoors on their patio surveying the excavation work that the pool company had just finished before laying the foundation for the pool they’ve been saving for ever since Juan was still working three janitor jobs and one on the side to make ends meet. It was a dream come true; however, that dream has now turned into a nightmare. The entire state of Florida, with the exception of the lower keys, is suing the Scoleris for what they call “the total destruction of the foundation of Florida!”

It seems that underneath the Scoleri’s property ran the remains of an ancient aquifer that had long since dried up due to overuse of water by the citrus farmers in the area who, while knowing the water situation in the area was precarious, also knew that America loves its orange juice and the orange juice lobbyists run the water works, so to speak--that, and the fact that the central part of Florida has more water parks than God has headaches, not to mention a golf course on every corner—they don’t keep themselves green you know.

Once the water dried up, the cavernous aquifer remained, but no one thought to check just how big that aquifer really was. Seems it had been growing from the size of a small city, say Peoria, Illinois to its present size—the length of the state of Tennessee! 

Geologists who are just now beginning to take thermographs of the area claim that the bedrock of Florida, if you can call that, is being held together by one extremely tenuous layer of limestone that is being constantly eroded away from the bottom up. Once that dissolves, say in the next week or so, they say that Florida is going to snap clean in half, leaving a body of water already dubbed the Florida Narrow Straits in its wake.

“The numerous sinkholes that have been occurring in the area were just a portending of things to come,” claims geologist Dr. Henry Stinkler. 

“We are now faced with a natural secession in Florida. Florida is being cut off at the knees. We’re talking North and South Florida, with South Florida being an island. The oil is separating from the water—ok that one belongs to another disaster. But I ask you, how many more analogies do you need to hear?”

Meanwhile, the Scolaris aren’t taking this lying down, mainly because their property has been condemned and they have no place to lie down. But they are going to fight. 

“I’ll be damned,” said Juan Scolari, “if we are going to be blamed for something that the entire state of Florida is responsible for. When they told us not to ask for a glass of water in a restaurant unless we really needed it, when we were told to take shorter showers or shower together, did anyone listen? Now, we are paying for it and by us, I don’t mean the Scolaris.”

Ed. Note: Apologies to the family recently suffering a loss from a sinkhole in their home. Unfortunately, this problem is never going to go away and just so you know, I originally wrote this story almost three years ago...just sayin.