Obama Volunteer Thanks God for Strong Third Debate Performance

AP Photo

The presidential race is now down to the last two weeks and, as a volunteer working for the Obama camp, let me just say one thing “Hallelujah for a good debate performance!”

I can vouch for the fact that no amount of money in the world can make someone take the abuse we’ve taken at the hands of the opponents we come across in our work on the phone banks and canvassing. Of course, I can’t speak for the other side, or even for my fellow volunteers, but in my opinion, I have come to regard political volunteerism as a form of self-flagellation.

I am truly wondering if I am a masochist. How else do I explain the fact that, after my first night of predictive calling, I didn’t go running and screaming into the night vowing never to return again to any phone bank location?

So what drove me to volunteer in the first place? What drives anyone to volunteer to call total strangers during the dinner hour, while their blood sugar is dangerously low, and ask them who they are going to vote for? Civic duty? Belief in the man whom I’m making the calls on behalf of? Hope for a better future? For me, it was none of those things.

Truth be told, I’m still hoping to meet Michelle Obama, but I’ll settle for President Obama if I have to. I’ve got two weeks left to do it, and if I can get anywhere near a pair of tickets to see that woman speak, I’ll climb over burning coals to get them. Hell, I’ll call a whole night’s worth of Republicans…which brings me to just how unpleasant it is to make calls for a phone bank.

First, for those of you who ignored the voices in your head urging you to get on the bandwagon and make some calls to help re-elect Obama, here’s how a phone bank works. You are given a script of what to say to the people you are calling. Attached to that script are a few pages of names of the people you will be calling and their information such as telephone number, political party affiliation, gender, and age.

In the beginning, the people we were calling were pretty much a mix of Democrats, Republicans, Independents and undecideds. It was tricky getting through a night without getting cussed out at least once by a Republican who (a) didn’t appreciate me interrupting the Bill O show and (2) being so bold as to ask them if they were still planning on supporting Obama for re-election, to which the answer was a resounding “Oh hell no!”

The night I was told I was an effin’ idiot for calling on the Jewish High Holy Days, well that one will stay with me long after the election is over.

So, you can imagine my trepidation as I would show up for subsequent phone banks. Tonight’s phone bank just happened to be scheduled the night after the third presidential debate was handily won by Obama. I had no idea that would be a determining factor in the types of responses I got from the people I was about to call. Past experience told me to hold onto my hat cause it was going to be a rocky ride. The Republicans on the list would be waiting to take their wrath out on anyone who even dared utter the name Obama. 

I received my list of names and went to a secluded spot of the home where I chose to make the calls from. I anxiously perused the list.

The first three names were all Democrats. Good, no problem. I called them. No answer on any of them. Even better. Seemed most registered voters finally knew the drill. If it was a number they didn’t recognize, it had to be from a phone bank, and most of them were smart enough to let the message machine get it. I was feeling better about showing up tonight. But then I came across my first Republican call of the night halfway down the page.

John Smith (not his real name)

R for Republican

Age 57

Gender male

At first I considered not calling the number and marking it “NH” for not home, but honesty got the better of me…actually curiosity got the better of me.

What would John say? Just how angry would John be after last night’s debate? I had to find out. Besides, it’s not like I was in the same room as him and asking “So, you’re a Romney supporter eh? How’s that working out for you?”

He couldn’t reach through the phone and hurt me. I dialed the number.

Ring, ring, ring…I cowered…ring, ring, ring…then “Hi, you’ve reached John Smith (not his real name). I can’t come to the phone righ…”

I breathed a sigh of relief and silently congratulated myself for not giving up, then I hung up. I marked the name off as not home and looked back at my list. I leapt for joy when I saw the next name. It was a female, age 21, and she was a Democrat! I was invincible!

Soon, I was down to the last three names on the list. They were all Democrats, two of them were at the same number, and I said out loud to the empty space “Yes, I can do this!”

Once I finished marking off the last name, I gathered my bag, bid adieu to the phone bank hostess, and walked out to my car happy to have survived another night of volunteering.

But I have to say. Tonight I left the phone bank feeling a bit unsated. After I had my list in hand and the determination to call everyone on it regardless of their political affiliation, I felt almost cheated out of possibly the last time I would ever hear someone on the other end tell me “For eff’s sake, quit calling this effin’ number,” and I wondered.

When Obama is making some of the very calls I’ve been making on his behalf this week while going from city to city, do you think he’ll get a list with some Republican voters on it, and more importantly, will he get cussed out too?

Medical Marijuana to be Grown in White House Garden this Year

It is the first week of February, and for Michelle Obama, this means it is time to start planning the White House organic garden. While the garden will again contain a variety of fruits and vegetables as well as a few ornamental flowers, a new addition is sure to create the most controversy ever.

The White House organic garden will include several varieties of medical marijuana. The District of Columbia, like many states, has enacted medical marijuana laws allowing the cultivation of marijuana for medical purposes. A special gardener with a marijuana growing license has been appointed to oversee this particular plot of the garden.

Tommy Chong, no relation to Tommy Chong of Cheech and Chong fame, is a Japanese gardener who is well versed in the various types of cannabis and their medicinal properties. Marijuana will comprise only a small part of the “medicinal herb” portion of the White House garden this year, which will also include various sage plants, lemon verbena, St. Johnswort, Valerian, Feverfew, Eyebright, and others.

A spokesperson for the garden project claims that this will be a first for the White House. “Marijuana has gotten a bad rap for decades,” said Mary Bridges, no relation to Jeff Bridges, notorious for his vocal backing of the legalization of marijuana. “Cultivating medical marijuana in the White House garden will send a clear message to America that this administration will do whatever it takes, including growing Maui Waui, (a particularly potent Hawaiian variety of the plant) to assure better health for our citizens.”

Asked if this means that the medical marijuana grown in the White House garden will be distributed and sold to local dispensaries in the area, Ms. Bridges replied “Oh heavens no. While growing medical marijuana is allowed, we have not yet approved the opening of any dispensaries in our area.

Anticipating the next question, Ms. Bridges explained “No, the Obamas are in excellent health and will not be using the marijuana themselves for any health issues.”  

Michelle Obama Afraid to Vacation in Maine

When Barack Obama hit the first lady with the news that they were going to the Maine backwoods for a short little vacation, Michelle wasn’t too enchanted with the idea. Sure, the idea of getting in some hiking, canoeing, and fishing was a great idea to wind down the summer before going into the final stretch for November elections, but Maine, who goes to Maine?

And then, Barack told her the rest of the news. “We’re going to be staying with Stephen King, you know, the horror writer? He has this awesome spooky house he lives in in Bangor. Won’t that be exciting?”

Michelle is said to be terrified at the idea of spending even a few minutes in the company of King. “That guy scares the bejeezus outta me,” she’s was heard saying as she and the President discussed the issue over an impromptu picnic on the lawn just outside the west wing of the White House. “Did you ever read that awful story about Pennywise? What kinda creepy things do you suppose goes on in his house, Barack? The girls will never be able to sleep without the light on again.”

Obama is reportedly a big fan of King’s “The Stand,” a story in which he sees himself as the character “Mother Abagail” and Dick Cheney as the character “Randall Flagg” aka “the Walkin’ Dude.” A classic tale of good vs. evil, Obama has recommended this book to many a friend. He’s said more than once that his favorite part is about how everyone can’t get Mother Abagail out of their heads, like she is the one who is going to save mankind from the evil forces at work in the world.

At one point in their discussion, Barack was overhead saying, “Ok, Michelle, you are afraid of Stephen King, I can appreciate that, but look at the alternatives. I could have us spending a couple of days at the Bush family compound in Kennebunkport” to which Michelle replied, “ok you made your point. Stephen King it is.”

University of Alabama Alumni Seek Nickname Change from ‘Bama to ‘Bamma

A Petition has been circulating among Alumni of the University of Alabama to change the popular ‘Bama nickname to ‘Bamma due to conflicts that are arising from having a President named Obama.

The reason for this requested change, as set forth in the petition, is that the name ‘Bama when mis-pronounced by most as Bah-mah, sounds too similar to Obama. ‘Bamma, on the other hand, causes no confusion as the double ‘m’ in the middle forces people to pronounce the nickname correctly and as intended, i.e. Baa-ma.

“We don’t have any problem with the sitting President, per se,” said Lou Neebins, the author and promoter of the change. “But a bunch of us were sitting around one night after a game and every time someone said the name ‘Bama, well, I’d bristle. Not to be petty or anything, but when you don’t agree with a man’s politics but are forced to listen to his name, or a substantial part of his name at least, over and over again, well, it starts to grate on your nerves. And then there are the Alumni newsletters with ‘Bama printed practically in every paragraph. It just looks too much like Obama to a lot of us and let’s face it, we don’t need it in our faces day in and day out.

Said Neebins, “at least with ‘Bamma, we can get back to the business of cheering on our favorite sports teams without visions of a Democrat, an extremely liberal Democrat at that, dancing in our heads, and that’s all we’re trying to accomplish. Hell, as far as we know, President Obama would probably want to sign the petition as well just so he doesn’t have to go through too many more press conferences being asked questions about the latest win or loss at the University of Alabama and having to come up with an answer on the fly.”

Republican “Prayercast” Convinces Santa to Skip Obama House This Year

Malia and Sasha Obama woke up to a pretty lame Christmas morning when they discovered that Santa had not visited their house this year. Said Michelle Obama, “had Barack and I not prepared for this contingency, the girls would have had no Christmas at all. Thank goodness we had the foresight to ask what would happen if some short-minded Republican Party leaders decided to pray against a nice Christmas for our children, and we went ahead and sent over some staff members to get some Elmos and I-pods for the girls at Walmart.”

Unfortunately, with no fireplace in the house the Obamas were staying in, Malia and Sasha insisted on placing milk and cookies on the front veranda for Santa. The contingency plan by Michelle and Barack went horribly awry when President Obama, thinking his staff had taken care of it, did not secretly eat the milk and cookies to make it look like Santa had visited. “I am so used to having every little mundane chore done for me these days that it didn’t even occur to me that one of my staff members wouldn’t think to get rid of the milk and cookies before morning.”

“The first thing those girls did when they woke up in the morning was to go out on the veranda to see if the milk and cookies were gone. They were not.” said Barack. “The kids were heartbroken when they realized what that meant. Santa Claus did not make a visit to the Obama home this year.”

Upon hearing the news, Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN) and Sen. Jim DeMint (R-SC), in a joint news conference Saturday jubilantly praised God, Tony Perkins and Lou Engle for the success of the “prayercast” they had commissioned to see to it that if the Senate Healthcare Reform Bill passed, then Santa would either put lots of dirty coal in Barack Obama’s stockings or would just pass over the Obama household altogether. Said Michele (Bachmann), “we have no idea why our original prayercasts didn’t work in bringing down the Senate vote on healthcare reform, but this small victory, seeing to it that Santa passed over the Obamas this year, was a major coup for the religious right and shows us that with a little more effort, these prayercasts can change the direction of this country.”

No word on how much Perkins and Engle were paid for performing what is being touted as a “major act of God,” but there are reports that each woke up Christmas morning to find brand new Hummer SUTs parked in their respective driveways.
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It's Time to Take From the Rich

The White House has leaked what costumes the Obamas will be wearing at the annual White House Halloween Ball. The President has chosen to be Robin Hood, and Mrs. President will become Maid Marian. The theme for the ball this year will be “Sherwood Be Nice to Make Everyone Happy.”

Following the President’s lead, Eric Holder has agreed to come dressed as the Sheriff of Nottingham; Carey Cash will be attending as Friar Tuck; and Rahm Emmanuel has reluctantly signed on as Little John. The rest of the Merry Men will include Barney Frank, Max Baucus and Nancy Pelosi.

Breaking from the crowd will be Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton, and her husband, President Clinton. They will attend the party as Fabio and the Secretary of State. Joe Biden? Yep, Town Crier. That’s a foregone conclusion.

“It’s gonna be wicked great,” said Michelle Obama. “We’ve got a really great party planner who is going to transform Camp David into Sherwood Forest for the evening and wait until you see my man in those green tights!” Yes, that will be something to see, half of Washington in green tights.

Some in Washington believe that this Halloween ball is the precursor for very real events to take place over the next few months whereby President Obama is finally going to mandate a real taking from the planned year-end bonuses of the banks and insurance companies’ Chairmen and CEOs and giving to the small businesses and homeowners who are on the verge of losing everything.

Says Michelle, “You know, I think it is going to be really hard to get Barack to take off that costume come November 1st, but then again, he doesn’t need green tights to take the green back.” No he doesn’t Michelle, no he doesn’t.