Romney’s Latest Sophomoric Prank Cost GOP the White House

One of Romney's many prank photo ops

It was bad enough they spent a king’s ransom on trying to get him elected, but backers of Romney are now hearing stories of how he never wanted the job in the first place and how Romney himself had to be held back on election night as he tried several times prematurely to call Barack Obama and wish him much success in his second term.

All this while Florida Governor Rick Scott was furiously using last ditch efforts to swing the state of Florida in Romney’s direction.

Romney’s son Tagg came out on Sunday in an interview with the Boston Globe and claimed that his father never really even wanted to run for President. Feeling a bit sorry for the prank, Tagg told the newspaper that his father’s running was all his (Tagg’s) fault.

“Dad’s been a prankster all his life practically (we still secretly chuckle over that hair cutting incident). When the 2012 elections were nearing, we told Dad that it would be the biggest prank of his life to make the GOP think he was a good candidate,” said Tagg.

“I can’t tell you what was said in the various meetings leading up to my dad finally deciding to go for it, but suffice it to say, some key Republicans were left in the dark about my dad’s unwillingness to actually BE President.”

Tagg says at the time it seemed like the perfect prank that brought the family closer than it had ever been before.

“We were all in on it, even Mom. She was actually enjoying herself the most,” said Tagg. “She would get up on the stage and laugh and smile and no one had a clue that she was laughing because she knew Mitt was going to throw the race, so to speak.”

Tagg says they were rolling in the aisles in the last hours leading up to the elections watching Rick Scott scramble to take away as many voting rights as he could in hopes of Romney becoming President.

The eldest Romney also let fly a little secret that photos and videos leaked to the press that depicted his father as a bit heartless were actually just the Romney family’s way of dropping little hints that no one in the family had any intention whatsoever of giving up their lavish lifestyles to live on a President’s salary.

It was a hoot,” says Tagg. “I never realized politics could be this much fun. We were having the time of our lives, except for the occasional photo ops with idiots like Meatloaf and Ted Nugent,” he said.

“We’d have a race back to the tour bus for a quick shower to wash off what we called the “red neck.”

Newt Gingrich, however, isn’t laughing.

“I knew it all along. I tried to get people to listen, to understand that Mitt Romney wasn’t the man for the job; that it was all a big joke, but would they listen? Especially Shelly (Sheldon Adelson),” said Gingrich.

“Just when I had Shelly where I wanted him, a half-million shy of paying off my Tiffany’s credit card,” here comes old Mr. Prankster being his usual self. Did he care if I could possibly end up on the wrong end of an Obama welfare plan? Not in the least,” said a furious Gingrich on Face the Nation Sunday, who didn’t hold back his palpable dislike for the former GOP Presidential Candidate.

Meanwhile, Romney’s running mate Paul Ryan, when asked, said he knew nothing of the charade.

“All I know is that when I was running for Vice President, they called my positions on certain matters wonky and they continue to call my position on the fiscal cliff wonky. I want to know where the hell the word “wonky” came from and what the hell does it mean?”

It's Election Day!

Where Are All the Obama Signs?

One Florida Woman's Retirement Fund

ORLANDO, FL - Several Florida residents are scratching their heads and wondering why there is a dearth of Obama signs in the Orlando area.

Janie Collins, a 27-year old volunteer with the Obama campaign says she has gotten the same question from several of her supporter friends.

“At first we were like ‘man we are screwed’ when we couldn’t find any signs in anyone’s yards to indicate support for the President. But then I finally figured it out,” said Collins.

“They aren’t being stolen by Romney supporters like everyone believes. Those Obama signs are collector’s items,” she said. “They are worth something.”

Asked about the Romney signs, Collins responded “Yeah, not so much.”

“We’ve seen thousands of Romney signs all over the city, but only a handful of Obama signs,” said Ginny Schott who admitted she was getting ready to go out just after dark and snatch a few more Obama signs for her collection.

Schott said she read on the internet that after the election, regardless of the outcome, anything with Obama’s name on it is going to be worth a small fortune.

“The way things are going,” said Schott, as she walked us out to her garage and showed us her stash of Obama memorabilia, which included about a hundred yard signs, “I may just be able to retire early on what I have out here.”

She added, “Thank God for Obama and thank God for eBay.”

Early Romney Voters in Ohio Asking for Do-Over after Sandy

Requests are flooding the Ohio Supervisor of Elections office in Columbus, Ohio from early voters who want their ballots stricken from the record and allowing them to cast a re-vote, this time for Barack Obama. At least 300 such requests have been received since Wednesday.

Election officials say this has never happened in the history of Ohio elections.

The person behind the drive to set the political record straight is a Republican business owner who claims he was hoodwinked into believing Mitt Romney was a leader he could count on when the chips were down.

Mark Humphries, owner of Bottoms Up, a local pub, told reporters he had a feeling when he cast his ballot early that something might happen to change his mind.

“I wasn’t even on the fence or nothing,” said Humphries, who voted the Saturday before Sandy hit the eastern seaboard.

“I mean, I really bought Romney’s spiel hook, line and sinker. I hated paying taxes…Romney said I wouldn’t have to. I was against big government…so was Romney,” said a convincing Humphries.

“I mean, I went so far as to consider contributing to his campaign,” said the disgruntled voter. “Thank goodness my wife talked me out of it and we spent it on groceries instead.”

Humphries said when that storm hit New Jersey, and reached all the way back to Columbus, he waited to see how Romney would respond.

“Oh he said all the right things…God…awful…donate…you know, he looked sincere enough. But when I saw Obama, man, I gotta tell you, he was kicking some serious disaster relief butt,” said Humphries.

Humphries said he learned that there were many more central Ohioans suffering from what one political analyst called “voter’s remorse,” and he set out to do something about it.

“I started the “Take Back the Romney Vote” movement, but from what they are telling me, no matter what I do to try and rectify the situation, I pretty much have to live with my decision.”

Humphries says there is one saving grace in all this.

“I’ve got a wife who was smart enough to realize that Obama was the guy to get the job done and she says she voted for him,” said Humphries.

“So, bottom line,” he said. “At least she cancelled out my vote. All I can do now is ask everyone I see to please, please vote for Obama.”

Meatloaf Performance at Rally Stops Romney Surge in its Tracks

The fat lady has sung, or in this case, the fat drunken has-been rock star known as Meatloaf has sung, finally crippling one of the crookedest-run Presidential campaigns in Republican history.

The crazy train has left the station

It seemed that Ted Nugent’s remarks earlier this year at an NRA convention where he ranted about not being around if Obama gets a second term would have sunk the candidate, but it didn’t.

Then came Clint Eastwood, who seemed to be the only person who thought it would be amusing to talk to an empty chair at the Republican National Convention. Crazy? Maybe, but not near crazy enough to change people’s minds about voting for Romney, except for Eastwood’s daughter, who has publicly voiced her support for Obama.

But now, this week, Meatloaf has finally brought the celebrity crazy house down by maniacally screaming out his hallelujah version of America the Beautiful at a Romney rally in Definance, Ohio.

“It was a gin-soaked performance by a washed up musician who obviously didn’t realize he would be forever known not as the guy who made an unpopular Monday night dinner a popular diner staple, but the guy who brought down the Romney campaign,” said Anderson Cooper as he began his 360 show on CNN.

After watching the performance on YouTube, a fed up Paul Ryan is said to have called Sarah Palin to tell her she wins, the Vice Presidency is hers…again.

Meanwhile, Mitt Romney left the stage with what little dignity he had left and immediately called Donald Trump.

“Listen Don,” he said into the phone, “I don’t care how many more washed up celebrities you bring to the table to shore up the dimwit vote, it ain’t worth the measly million you contributed to my campaign,” then continued, “Well, ok, Don, if you really think Gary Busey can put us back on track. Ann is a huge fan.”

47% Distancing Themselves from the 99% of Which 52% Don’t Identify With the 1%

The lines between the haves and have nots are still a bit blurry, meaning the 1% pretty much have it all while the rest of us don’t. However, the lines between the haves less, the haves more but not as much, the have nots, and the basically screwed are still a bit unclear and need to be scrutinized closely in order to determine who is going to vote for whom in November.

Originally, the 99% were represented by Occupy Wall Street protesters who believed that they were paying for the mistakes the top 1% made as they worked on taking all the wealth in the land and investing it in high-yield CDs at a measly rate of around 1.50%. (Not really—they are getting a much higher rate on their investments if you consider the lower percentage rate they are paying in taxes—we’re like 99.9% sure of that).

Anyway, the 99% eventually fizzled out to around 2 or 3% who really hung in there and gave a crap, while the other 96% packed up their tents, went home and began bitching on the internet. Because the majority of that 96% refused to answer polls asking them what percentage they think they belong to, the only thing we can be sure of is that the 32% of those that fall into the basically screwed category are still basically screwed.

Of course, of the total 96%, presidential candidate Romney originally claimed that 47% are shiftless and are living off the rest of America. However, he has since flip flopped on that and has told Americans he is “for” 100%, which doesn’t add up, because no one at this point is really sure if he is talking about the 47% in addition to 52%, as well as the top 1%, or the top 1% (without the extra two zeros) who refuse to give up a dime to help anyone in the 99%, leaving the 52% to fend for the 47%.

Meanwhile, the polls indicate that 48% are planning to vote for Romney after 67% claim he won the first presidential debate, and surprisingly, 48% are planning to vote for Obama, even though only 23% declared Obama the winner. This leaves 4% (not counting the 10% who didn’t answer the debate question) who are still not sure who they are voting for.

But, if you add that 4% to the 96% who continue to support Occupy Wall Street, we end up with 100% of Americans who absolutely agree they are totally fed up with the election and could care less who wins just as long as they can return to their regularly schedule programs.

Comedy Central Endorses Mitt Romney for President

The various personalities that make up the Comedy Central channel were asked on Friday to give their view on which candidate Comedy Central should endorse for President. Once the final vote was tallied, many were surprised to learn that Mitt Romney was the clear winner.

“Don’t look at me,” said Jon Stewart as he hurried toward the elevators. “It’s that scoundrel Colbert. Two to one he used the money he’s been making on his SuperPAC to buy Romney votes,” a charge Colbert did not immediately deny.

“Look,” said Colbert, “Mitt Romney is my bread and butter. Sure, Obama is my orange juice and eggs, but when it comes right down to it, I’d rather have a foodstuff that can be used at more than just the breakfast table.”

Many of the other personalities agreed with Colbert partially because no one at this point could find anything funny about four more years with Obama at the helm.

“Obama just doesn’t give us anything to work with,” said Hugh Morris, a writer for the Daily Show. “Sure, there’s always Joe Biden, but even he isn’t enough to carry Obama for four more years,” he said.

A few of the writers agree that with Romney’s C-3PO walk alone, they could virtually have enough laughs to carry them at least through 2014.

“Granted, he’s no George Dubya,” said Morris, “But then again, who is? A guy like that comes along once in a Millenium.”

Even with the threat of Romney pulling an “NPR” style ban on cable TV, the cast and crew of most of the shows still decided they’d take a chance with Romney.

Stars Keegan Michael Key and Jordan Peele from the new hit show Key & Peele are the only Comedy Central personalities who are considering crossing the line and voting for Obama.

“I’ve tried impersonating Mitt Romney,” said Key “and to be honest, my wimpy white man impression sucks. If Romney gets voted in, I’m afraid we won’t be looking at another season of Key & Peele.”

Peele disagreed. “I’m gonna pull a flip-flop on this," he said. “I wouldn’t write Romney off so quickly.”

“If worse came to worse, I think with a little white face, an Eddie Munster wig, and a pair of sad monkey eye contacts, I could do a pretty decent Paul Ryan.”

“Plus,” he added, “I’ve always thought the Mormons were a rich source of humor…almost as fertile as fanatical right-wing Christians, so yeah, maybe I will get behind the Romney/Ryan ticket after all.”

Romney Accuses Obama of Psyching Him out Before the Debate

It is just two days before the first Presidential debate and folks in the Romney camp are already coming up with excuses why Romney may lose--not because of his ability as a master debater, but because of diversions that are leaving Romney unable to focus on the task at hand.

The excuses include everything from a sudden aversion to falling leaves to itchy underwear caused by Romney’s personal maid using a new detergent that they claim doesn’t leave their boss' drawers feeling Downy soft.

But the best excuse of all is coming directly from Mitt Romney.

“What president Obama is doing amounts to mentally challenging me to a duel,” said Romney on Monday as he came out of his preparations for the debates looking haggard and beaten.

“If I could choose the weapons, it sure wouldn’t be fake outs and false starts,” he said as his handlers looked completely puzzled.

Asked to elaborate, Romney merely replied that he will explain once he is elected President.

Obama said he hasn’t a clue what Romney is talking about and said that perhaps the blame lies in Romney’s debate stand-in, Ohio Senator, Rob Portman.

“Word on the street has it that Portman never got over the fact that Romney chose Ryan over him and, if anyone is trying to psyche Romney out, it’s Portman, not Obama,” claims a Democratic aide.

Meanwhile, Mitt Romney has blocked out a whole day to go to the spa on Tuesday, claiming that in order to do well on the debate stage, he has to look and smell his best or it just isn’t going to work for him.”

Ray Jay’s Day Spa and Beauty Emporium in Denver was asked to comment, but they claim they were, in fact, passed over by Romney at the last minute for a spa in Boston.

Psychiatrist Offering Free Therapy Sessions for Romney Voters

A Pennsylvania psychiatrist is seeing a pattern emerging among older voters in his state who, even after all the signs that Mitt Romney is definitely not prepared to become the next President of the United States, still plan on voting for the man.

Joseph von Hertenshperger of Philadelphia claims that three of his patients have admitted they are voting for Mitt Romney, but are upset with themselves as they all say they don’t have the faintest idea why.

“I know he is greedy, he doesn’t have my best interests in mind, and if I vote for him, I can say adios to my Medicare benefits, but yet, I’m oddly drawn to the man’s words,” said George Patton, who was told by his doctor that it was okay to talk to us about this anomaly among voters.

Dr. Hertenshperger interjected.

“I have not fully determined what it is that makes these men (all three of the patients are males in their 80s and veterans of WWII) think that Mitt Romney is the better choice for President.”

What is extremely troubling is that after each of the guys watch Romney make another inane statement on the campaign trail, these guys are that much more determined that he must be our President,” said Hertenshperger, who admits there may be hundreds more like these men out there who have yet to be identified not only in Pennsylvania but in other key voting states as well.

The good doctor is just now conferring with a few of his colleagues to try and figure out if the patients’ early signs of Alzheimer’s disease have anything to do with their distorted thinking.

Hertenshperger says that he and the other doctors are offering all the men free therapy sessions until such time as they are either cured or they lose interest in this obsession with electing Romney as President.

“I never thought I’d be saying this,” said Dr. Hertenshperger, “but honestly, the Republican mandate that everyone voting must have a photo ID is a smart idea at least when it comes to these guys. They all lost their drivers licenses years ago, which will prevent Romney from getting at least three votes that I know of in this state.”

Romney Doubles Back on Obama Criticism; Claims 47% of Americans are Not Exceptional

[Says only way he could possibly win election is if he was a poor gay black Latino woman]

The Romney campaign is exploding this week and things seem to be going from bad to worse as Romney has had to forego his criticisms of Obama to make room in his speeches to apologize for everything he’s said and done over the last two decades.

More recently, the big deal seems to be over some video leaked that shows Romney speaking to a bunch of rich guys telling them exactly how he feels about the poor in this country. In response to the criticism of the film, Mitt Romney says he is having a hard time understanding what all the fuss is about as he claims he was just regurgitating most of what he and his business partners have been saying over lunch for years.

Romney was busy on the campaign trail Tuesday telling supporters he wasn’t sorry about the hidden tape that surfaced showing him as a callous businessman who admits his disdain for the disadvantaged.

“The only thing I’m truly sorry about,” said Romney, “is that American exceptionalism exists in a very few of us. The rest of Americans are, at best, ordinary. Ordinary and poor.”  

Romney did go on to say that regardless of how many people are poor in this country, he is not worried about them for any other reason except that they are going to vote for Obama one way or the other because they are dependent on him for their monthly checks.

When asked how they can vote if they are refused on the basis of not having a picture ID, Romney denied having anything to do with that.

“That whole voter suppression thing is Karl Rove’s puppy,” he said. “I’ve got my own problems without having to take responsibility for that too.”

Later in the day, Romney spoke before a handful of wonky-eyed supporters at a pub in Rhode Island. He told the group that if he had been born a poor gay black latino woman, he’d at least have half a fighting chance to stay in the race for President.

One of the drunks at the bar shouted to the empty barstool next to him, “Well, amigo, you look pretty good for a woman. I’d do you.”

Meanwhile, Wikipedia has announced that it has temporarily shut down Mitt Romney’s Wiki page claiming they are spending too much money hiring fact checkers to keep up with all the new information exploding onto the page by Romney insiders who are finding their source of hush money drying up.

National Satire Day Announcement Prompts Protest from Romney Campaign

It was announced Friday that President Obama has declared October 19 “National Satire Day.” The date, for those unfamiliar with satire, is the birth date of one of the most referenced satirists in history, Jonathan Swift.

Swift’s essay, A Modest Proposal for Preventing the Children of Poor People From Being a Burden on Their Parents or Country, and for Making Them Beneficial to the Publick, or simply, A Modest Proposal, has been the basis for many an argument about what subjects are and are not suitable for public reader consumption. The story proposes that poor Irish folk sell their children to the rich for consumption. Not surprisingly, the essay was published anonymously, as are many pieces of modern-day satire.

Nevertheless, satire in its less Juvenalian form, can provide a much-needed break from the stresses of ordinary life, a chuckle as it were to some of the most pressing issues of our time, including an ugly Presidential race.

Mitt Romney’s advisers are against National Satire Day for obvious reasons. A poll recently conducted by Poll Pro’s Humor Division indicates that the majority of negative satire is aimed at the Romney camp. President Obama, on the other hand, is often less of a target, although when he is satirized, the satire is sometimes highly offensive, which turns off most readers just looking for a good laugh.

The bottom line seems to indicate that more harm is being done to the Romney campaign by satire than by any other source, and therein lies the reason for the Romney camp objecting to naming October 19 “National Satire Day.”

President Obama is aware of Romney’s complaints and says his naming this national day just one month before the Presidential election is a mere coincidence.

“I’ve been reading satire ever since I was a student at Harvard when one of my classmates turned me on to the Harvard Lampoon,” said the President.

“I find it a refreshing respite from the seriousness that life throws at us, and I am certainly one who can laugh at myself, unless, of course, I’m being characterized as a monkey. That is simply an affront to my sensibilities,” he cautioned.

“Most satirists associate with Jonathan Swift more than any other writer in this genre although, of course, not with his point of view about eating children,” he quipped. “However, I believe it is still fitting to use his birthday as the day to honor satirists nationwide,” said the President. 

“I do find it quite ironic that Swift was born in October, giving satirists the opportunity to do their best writing just a month before the election,” Obama concluded. “After all, doesn’t irony play a huge part in a well-written piece of satire anyway?”

Commoners Tell Romneys ‘Screw You and the Dressage Horse You Rode in On’

While the financially elite in London are said to be looking forward to showing Mitt and Ann Romney a jolly good time in London this week, the majority of ordinary Londoners would be just as happy to see the Romneys go elsewhere for what is deceptively being billed as ‘Mitt Romney’s first foreign tour of his candidacy.”


“Screw ‘em and the dressage ‘orse they rode in on,” said Edna Swanscot, a volunteer at the London Olympics, who is primarily in charge of mucking the horse stalls, including the one where Ann Romney’s horse, Refalca, will be stabled during the dressage event. 


“Betcha I ain’t gonna get to shake ‘ands with that rotter and ‘e’s wife, even if I clean me ‘ands on me apron first,” she said.


Swanscot’s husband, Earl, agreed “Thems ain’t ‘ere to rub elbows with the likes of us, I’ll say that much. Rather, the wifey’s ‘ere to show off ‘er fancy ‘orse, and ‘er ‘usband’s ‘ere to meet up widdem scoundrels wots from them crooked banks, ‘e is.”


Anticipating the next question, Earl then concluded “Yeah, I realize I ain’t pronouncing my effin’ aiches. It’s you Americans ‘oo want the ‘ole British reality thing, now innit?”