Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Glenn Beck Saves TheBlaze by Not Offering Job to Sarah Palin

God knows I love her, but we can’t have that kinda crazy around here ~ Glenn Beck

Glenn Beck says that when he heard Sarah Palin was leaving Fox News, he couldn’t have been happier.

“Now she will make something of herself, like I did,” he said proudly, adding “There is, after all, life after Fox.”

When Beck was fired from Fox back in the middle of 2011, many wondered if he’d ever recover from that mighty slap in the face by Roger Ailes. They aren’t wondering any longer, however. The answer is “No, he didn’t recover…yet.”

With the same fate befalling Sarah Palin, many speculated Beck would unite with the Alaskan ice queen, taking her into his fold and giving Palin her own show on his latest venture, TheBlaze.

TheBlaze TV is Beck’s internet television network (formerly GBTV—which name was abandoned by Beck for sounding too gay.)

“I like the sound of it,” said Beck at first (TheRogue, Sarah Palin, you know, not GBTV) as he tossed around the idea of TheBlaze going rogue.

“Sarah might just be the drug we need to pump even more life into the veins of TheBlaze,” Beck answered when asked what exactly Sarah could bring to the show.

“Sarah Palin puts the “pug” in pugnacious,” said a fired-up Beck.

But almost as quickly as he entertained the thought of bringing Sarah on board, he reneged on the potential deal, resulting in a collective sigh of relief by everyone associated with Beck’s internet television show.

“Some people say I’m crazy,” said Beck, “but I’m not that crazy.”

Palin was asked about Beck’s unofficial offer to give her a shot on TheBlaze TV network. She responded in her usual feigned interest voice “Beck who? Oh, Glenn Beck. Is he still around?”

In a related news story, Tina Fey has pleaded with her fans to stop texting her, asking what she is going to do now that she no longer works for Fox News.

Sunday, January 27, 2013

Obesity Vaccine Wins FDA Approval

Fast Food Restaurants Go Ahead With Even More Bacon Options in Kids Meals

Washington, DC – The Food and Drug Administration has given final approval on a vaccine that, when administered at a young age, will allow children to eat anything they want without gaining any fat. The obesity vaccine was developed in answer to the failed USDA’s MyPlate program, which replaced the even more disastrous MYPyramid Food Chart, both of which have done little to curtail the rising epidemic of obesity in America.

It was also a medical project that was financed largely in part by the fast food industry in an attempt to allow them to continue to serve nutritionally sub-standard meals at an affordable price.

Given at an early age, the obesity vaccine immunizes children from the ill effects suffered from a high-fat, high-sugar diet, and allows them to continue eating all the things that had once been bad for them without jeopardizing their health by becoming morbidly obese.

“Soon, diabetes, heart disease, high blood pressure and other conditions that eventually kill more than a third of our population will be a thing of the past…just as soon as this last generation is gone,” said Dr. Hewitt Dimwoody, chief research scientist who helped develop the vaccine.

The doctor went on to explain that unfortunately, the only people the vaccine will help are small children who have not yet developed an irreversible addiction to fats and sugars. This leaves the entire adult population still pretty much risking their lives if they even think about stopping by their local fast food restaurant and ordering a Baconator with a super side of fries, washed down with their favorite liquid sugar.

The vaccine is expected to be ready for use in time for the beginning of the 2014 school year. Children will be required to have the vaccine before entering pre-K so that school lunch programs can continue to serve hot dogs, fish sticks, and mac and cheese without any longer putting their students at a high risk of becoming fat.

Asked what this means for the USDA, a spokesperson replied “We are actually very satisfied that this vaccine has been approved by the FDA. We were pretty well fed up with the CDC constantly on our backs to come up with a nutritious food program to fight obesity in this country in order to bring diabetes and heart disease back down to a manageable level.”

Thursday, January 24, 2013

From COPS to Pot Farmers: How Reality TV Has Done a 360

Everyone who is a fan of reality television knows that COPS is credited with being the first reality-based show on television. A staple on Saturday nights, COPS ruled the roost in reality television for several decades on Fox before being pushed aside for more elaborate shows on other channels. So it is more than ironic that the latest offering in reality TV shows would be about an activity that has law enforcement officials feeling helpless to stop—Pot Farming in Northern California.

It was announced in August 2012 that The Discovery Channel was working on a new reality television series based on the lives of several pot farmers in northern California. Since then, pot lovers all over America have been eagerly anticipating its debut.

Pot Farmers of Humboldt County chronicles the lives of three pot farming families who have struck gold overnight by turning their rural farmlands into pot fields. Pot farming has become a very lucrative, albeit very competitive, business in California, so it goes without saying that this show will provide all the drama that other Discovery Channel shows now airing such as Sons of Guns, Hillbilly Handfishin’, and Moonshiners presently dish out.

Pot farming in Northern California, particularly, has been getting a bum rap for what authorities trying to stop them say are serious environmental violations, from cutting down virgin forests to make room for their burgeoning businesses to poisoning the environment with chemicals pot farmers claim are necessary to grow a healthy crop of a much-desired medicine in California.

One of the stars of the show, Pot Farmers, is a 60-year old hippie named Willie McMillon, who owns nine square miles of farmland in rural Eureka. McMillon heads up his family of seven, including his wife, Sadie, three daughters and two sons, all of whom help out on the farm. McMillon claims that his farm is as organic as it gets and claims the government is just trying to pick bones because they want to see pot farming eradicated and go back to a time when pot was strictly forbidden.

As a side note, Willie is said to own upwards of 100 or more tie-dyed t-shirts, some of which he has owned for as many years as he’s been a hippie. Throughout the show, Willie will be seen wearing his signature bib overalls and a different tie-dyed t-shirt every week, some so old, you can almost see the last threads disintegrate before your very eyes.

 “I’m glad to have this opportunity to show the world that pot farmers in California, well most of us anyways, are doing the best we can to make sure that pot farming doesn’t harm anything Mother Nature has given us,” says Willie on the 2-hour pilot program of Pot Farmers set to air sometime in March 2013.

Willie is most likely referring to two other families featured on the show who grow pot for a living. One in particular is a heated rival and who Willie doesn’t hold back on when describing his dislike for the way they do business. The family, the Hartfields, headed up by Robert “Rick” Hartfield, owner of eleven acres of pot land, live just ‘down the road’ from the McMillons, and this rivalry is as heated as any we’ve seen in recent reality show history. Not even the feud between Nene Leakes and Kim Zolciak of The Real Housewives of Atlanta will be able to outshine this modern-day war between pot farmers.

Hartfield has been cited for a few environmental infractions but in the show, he claims the chemicals he uses on his plants are the same ones that tomato and melon farmers in the area use and claims he is being singled out because of the nature of his crop.

In one particularly hard scene to watch, Hartfield has to take one of his dogs that got into the pot shed and ate halfway through a bag of buds to the vet for pot poisoning, but the dog ends up fully recovering with a new nickname “Bud.”

The Hartfields and McMillons, along with another family by the name of Miller, a transplanted Amish family originally from LaGrange, Indiana--another well-known, but as of yet, illegal place that is famous for its home-grown marijuana—make Pot Farmers one of the most anticipated new reality shows to hit the Discovery Channel since Moonshiners.

A producer of the show claims that the economy is partially responsible for these rogue families across the country doing whatever is necessary to keep their families fed and a roof over their heads.

“While families like those featured in another reality show, Duck Dynasty, which airs on rival channel A&E, get their money from the legal business of making hand-crafted duck calls, it is only a matter of time before other families will come forward, regardless of the threat of jail time, to get their families’ names in lights on the various channels that showcase what real America is all about,” she said.

Sunday, January 20, 2013

Designer to the Stars Claims Wardrobe Malfunctions are No Accident

Louie Louie, an up-and-coming designer who has recently received rave reviews for his designs for such well-known stars as Ashley Judd, Nicole Kidman, and Sandra Bullock, as well as veteran actor and director Woody Allen, has come out with a tell all about the fashion industry as it relates to the entertainment world.

The designer is 34 and has been designing for less than three years, but has already made a name for himself for reasons other than designing the perfect evening ensemble. He is better known for the fact that some of his creations seem to regularly come apart at the seams, literally, on the red carpet. But LL, as he is more popularly known, says that in the fashion world, there are very few real accidents. And, he claims that some stars are beating down his door to get into, and subsequently pop out of, one of his creations.

“Call me stupid, but I know an opportunity when I see it,” said LL on Entertainment Tonight recently.

“Do you honestly think that Janet Jackson’s ‘nip-slip’ was an accident?” he asked. “No way, Jose,” he said as he snapped his fingers in the shape of an exclamation point, which is his new signature ‘snapature,’ as he calls it.

LL claims that it is mainly the older stars who need something to perk up their flagging careers and what better way to do it than to slip into an LL gown, only to have a seam split open at the very moment they are being interviewed, exposing a bit of skin the star is particularly proud of having toned up at the gym for the past couple of weeks.

“Instant exposure!” he exclaimed joyously as he started clapping in a delicate yet uncontrollable manner.

While most, if not all, wardrobe malfunctions involve female stars, LL says he may be the only designer in Hollywood who designs flaws for male clients needing a career boost, including Stephen Baldwin, Randy Quaid, and, as mentioned above, Woody Allen.

“I’m famous in men’s design for my “crotch mishaps,” said a proud LL who takes credit for the ‘half-open zipper’ look that is sweeping the red carpet this year during the award shows.

“I’m blonde, yes, but dumb? No way Jose,” said LL snapping away the imaginary exclamation points. Snap, snap and suh-nap!

Monday, January 14, 2013

Gun Bubble is Real Claims Financial Wizard

E. Edmund Worthington, a foremost prognosticator in the world of weapons pricing, is warning potential gun buyers to save their cash and quit buying guns.

“The prices are way too high now folks,” said Worthington in a voice resembling a concerned father, as he began talking about the crazy run on guns taking place all over America.

“Even if you have a gun permit or are sane enough to apply for one, it’s just too much of a financial risk,” he warned his rapt audience at the annual American Armament and Bankers Conference in Roanoke, Virginia.

Worthington likened the gun bubble to the 2008 housing bubble, and says it is a real thing. He related the story of one gun buyer who was in the market for a revolver.

“Two months ago that gun would have cost him only $300, but because he was uneducated and in a panic,” said Worthington, “the man ended up spending upwards of $1200 for the same gun. Just like the over-priced home, this guy’s gun will eventually end up ‘under water.’”

Worthington finished his lecture with this piece of advice. “If you are just buying them to make a profit, save your dough, cause two things are gonna happen. First of all, you can’t buy it now without taking out a second mortgage out on your already over-priced home, and secondly, think about it folks, there are 300 million guns in America. Don’tcha think the market’s just a bit saturated?”

Worthington’s last comment was met with several boos and hisses, but after he was finished speaking, the crowd was hushed, and a nervous twitter enveloped the large conference center located at the local Roanoke Holiday Inn. Attendees were lovingly stroking their over-priced firearms, as the fear of Worthington’s words began to sink in.

What Worthington was trying to get across is that the time to buy low and sell high has run its course, and after a month or so, that $2,000 Derringer is going to go back to its regular price of $139.95 plus tax, or so he predicts. He claims that when the bottom falls out of the weapons trade, those high-priced, high-powered rifles aren’t gonna be worth the powder to blow them to hell.

In a related news story, a class-action lawsuit has been brought against the largest gun dealer in Little Hope, Arkansas accusing him of price gouging. The lawsuit claims that Hubert “Bertie” Folsom is charging upwards of $1000 for handguns that even on the black market would only fetch maybe $300.

One of Folsom’s regular customers brought the lawsuit after he begged and pleaded Bertie to sell him a couple of guns at the “before-panic” price so that he’d have enough money left over to feed his family. John Dodger claims Folsom just laughed at him and told him to pony up or get outta his store.

Similar lawsuits are expected to be filed all over the country as more and more gun shop owners price their merchandise out of reach for their regular customers. This practice, say the Plaintiffs, is clearly putting many law-abiding citizens at a distinct disadvantage in exercising their 2nd Amendment rights.

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

The “F” Word Now Dealt With on IVR Scripts

Chances are these days when making a business call, whether it is to the cable company or even your doctor, the first contact will be with a recorded message that will issue prompts for you to follow. 

While some still allow you to press “0” to speak to a real person, most companies have caught on and when you press “0” you will, more than likely, be told that is an invalid response and either be hung up on or be returned to the main menu.

The latest IVR scripts have come up with an even more personal way to deal with your call, including calls from frustrated customers who can’t help but let the “F” bomb fly while being asked for additional information, not realizing someone is actually listening in on the call.

How do I know this? 

It just so happens that I recently purchased a new phone, my first “smart” phone, and found the Quick Start Guide that came with the phone lacked quite a bit of information, leading me to believe that either I wasn’t smart enough to own a smart phone or the company got a kick out of messing with its customers.

Of course, I assumed the latter, and decided that I could do one of two things (1) read the guide several times ultimately resulting in my throwing the phone out the window, or (2) call and ask someone how to use the phone. I opted for the phone call.

This is roughly how the call went:

System: Hello, and welcome to Mobile Net Mobile. Please listen carefully as our menu has changed. In order to serve you better, please enter your mobile phone number now.

Me: 555-555-5555

S: Thank you. We have located your account but we need to verify some information before we can assist you further. Are you the person whose name is on the account?

M: Uh, yeah, duh.

S: I’m sorry. I did not understand your response. If you are the person who is calling on this account, please press 1 for yes, 2 for no.

M: (pressed) 1

S:  Good. Now, in a few words, can you please tell us your issue so that we may direct you to the proper department.

M: I am having trouble…

S: I’m sorry, did you say billing?

M: No. Technical.

S:  I’m sorry. I am having trouble understanding you. Are you having technical difficulties? If so, please press 1 now.

M:  (Pressed) 1.

S:  Thank you. I understand you are having technical difficulties. Is that correct?

M: With you I am…

S: I’m sorry, I didn’t quite catch that. Let’s start again. Are you calling about your billing?

M: (Screaming into the phone) NO!

S:  Good, I’ll connect you to that department now. Please be advised that our billing department is experiencing a high volume of calls this time of day which means you may have a longer than normal wait. We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause.

M: But I wanted…

S: Dead space (companies no longer spend valuable company assets on assinine mood music that obviously doesn’t work).

M: (Into dead space) What the Fu*k is taking so long?

S: I’m sorry, did you just swear at me?

M: What the Fu*k?

S: If yes, press 1. If no, press 2.

M: 1

S: Thank you. Now, before we go any further, I’ll need to clarify your response. If you said the “F” word but meant to say Fiddlesticks, press 1. If you meant to say Fudge, please press 2 now. If you are sorry you said the “F” word and want to apologize, in order to continue this conversation, please press 3 now. If you meant to say the “F” word, please press 4 and this call will be disconnected.

M:  (Pressed) 3.

S:  Good, we accept your apology. Please hold while we connect you to billing.

M:  But I want to speak to…

S:  Hello, my name is Alana. May I please have the last 4 digits of your Social Security number?

M: 5555.

Alana:  Thank you Ms. Dinkins. Now, how may I help you today?

M: For starters, you can transfer me to the fu*king technical department…

Alana: I see. One moment please…

S:  It seems you found it necessary to curse out our CSR after promising not to. We ask that you lose the attitude before we continue. If you would like to lose the attitude, say or press 1 now. There is no other option.

M:  One

S:  Good. Again, we accept your apology. Now, in a few words, please tell us how we may help you today.

M: Well, for starters, you can let me talk to a fu*…I mean, I would like to speak to a real person.

S: One moment please. We are connecting you to the billing department. Due to a high volume of calls, you may experience a long wait time. While you are waiting, may we go over some of the exciting new technical features on your smart phone?

Friday, January 4, 2013

One Sniff, Two Sniffs, Old Cliff, New Cliff

In the talks Speaker Boehner was having a fit,
I don’t like this at all, not one little bit
He said as he sat like a lump on the couch
I’ll show you who’s boss said the grumpy old grouch

I’ll get Harry Reid if it’s the last thing I do
I’ll get Eric Cantor and old Mitchie too
I’ll make them all rue the day they were born
He said with a scowl full of unbridled scorn,

I did my best and the thanks that I get 
Is a bookie in Vegas who kept taking bets
That I’d quit by Friday at five on the dot
So that Cantor could quickly jump into my spot.

Forget it he said. I’m not a quitter
As he pulled out his phone and shot Harry a Twitter
“Look Harry, I’m sorry do we have a deal?”
And Harry wrote back “WTF? U still here?”

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Legalization of Marijuana in Washington and Colorado Causing New Housing Boom

New numbers have come out indicating that in the next year, the states of Washington and Colorado will have the highest number of home sales in the country. What makes these states so successful? The numbers indicate that it may very well be the legalization of marijuana for recreational use. Mobile home sales and lots of land alone are poised to skyrocket.

Marigold Sunshine Parker has been growing her own marijuana for decades while running the family’s mobile home park in Bremerton, Washington. She was one of the first people to light up on December 6 without fear of being arrested.

“Finally,” said Parker, 65, “I had to become a grandma before I could smoke a joint legally, but I made it,” she said, her long arthritic fingers barely able to grip the joint she was relishing. “It’s a good day to toke,” she said, but then added an ironic twist.

“All these years I was scraping by, not knowing if and when I’d ever sell a trailer to make enough to buy some pot illegally,” she said.

“Now that it’s legal, I can grow my own, and I’m selling property like crazy. When it rains, it pours, she chuckled, her blue eyes twinkling beneath an even bluer Washington sky.

Parker says that she now has a waiting list for homes in her 55+ adult mobile home community with park-like setting due to the high (no pun intended) demand from folks like her wanting to come live in the land of the free.

“And the community get-togethers are so much better now,” she beamed. “We’re like kids again,” she said, putting down her joint and taking another bite of a brownie her neighbor Harriett brought over that morning and washing it down with some home-made herbal tea.

According to last month’s records, it seems to be that way all over the state. Not only are trailer parks filling up to capacity, but sales of single-family homes, condos, co-ops and even small recreational cabins in both Washington and Colorado have almost doubled in price.

Other states in the nation are taking notice, which makes the boomers in America very happy.

Dan “Big Dan” Olsen, 63, of Yakima Mobile Home Sales had this to say “Who knew that pot would be the one thing that finally brought this country out of a slump?” Then he pumped his fist into the air and yelled “Rock on dudes,” before tending to his indoor herb garden.

In a related story, Florida was just named the unfriendliest place to relocate by AARPP (American Association of Retired Persons and Potheads) due to the strict anti-marijuana laws. Real estate prices there are expected to remain flat until legislators come to their senses.