Monday, September 30, 2013

Local Woman Saves Planet by Allowing Satan to Dwell in Her Abscessed Tooth

“The pain, thweet Jethuth the pain,” yelled Cloris Zucker as the dentist poked around in her mouth trying to find the source of her discomfort. He started out innocently enough, beginning on the left side and working his way over to the right.

“This one?” asked the dentist

“Noph,” replied Cloris.

“This’n?” He asked as he hit the next tooth with his little silver hammer.

“Noph,” she said. “Nob fat one.”

Before he could even ask, Cloris leapt about a foot into the air and yelled “Yesh, oh yesh, yesh, yesh,” with tears rolling down the side of her face. “Thash the one.”

Meanwhile, halfway around the world, people in Greece had stopped complaining to their government about cuts in their retirement salaries. Most were willing to go back to work until they were nearer to retirement age like most other countries.

Children in Somalia were waking up to full breakfasts and the Red Cross had enough money to feed and clothe even the poorest of nations on earth.

The Republicans were apologizing to the Democrats for the way they’d been acting. The world, as a whole was at peace and the only thing that seemed to be causing any pain at all was Cloris’ tooth.

There was a miracle taking place around the world and the only reasonable explanation was the fact that Satan had totally immersed himself into inflicting pain on one poor creature by the name of Cloris Zucker.

Back in Sweetwater, Texas, the dental assistant was readying a cart with all the necessary tools to extract the offending tooth so that Cloris could have her life back. As the dentist asked Cloris to lean her head back and allow him to check one last time, he heard a small but mighty guttural voice “The tooth is mine, do you hear me? The tooth is mine.”

The dentist pulled back, trembling in fear. Was this really happening? Was that tooth speaking to him? He bent down again to get a closer look, and felt a small but powerful hand grab his index finger. The demon within the tooth bit the dentist and drew blood. The dentist reared back in pain a strange foreboding crossed his brow.

“I’m sorry Ms. Zucker, but I’m afraid I have some very bad news for you. The devil is residing in your tooth and that is what is causing all the pain. He refuses to let me extract him.”

At that moment, it all began to make sense to Cloris. The peace on earth, the balancing of the federal budget and new found love for President Obama, the end of the drought in Texas, it all came down to one thing. Satan was so busy causing Cloris pain in the form of an abscessed tooth that he had given up on making the rest of the world suffer. She was a heroine. If she had the tooth pulled, who knew what devastation the earth would endure.

Cloris unselfishly told the dentist to put the instruments down and get out his prescription pad.

“Write me a prescription for some more pain pills doc,” she said as she took off the dribble bib, got out of the dentist chair, and proudly walked out into a glorious Texas rainstorm.

Saturday, September 28, 2013

Alien Rays from Sun Destroying Plant Life on Earth

According to the monthly magazine, True Alien Stories, there have been several reports coming in from all over the country from people who are complaining plants in their gardens are being zapped from sun rays resulting in destruction of everything from eggplants to ornamentals.

Doris Higginbotham, who lives in Cocoa Beach, Florida, and the only person reporters could find, who had actual proof of the rays, says her herb garden is a mess due to the alien rays and every time she digs the destroyed plants up and re-plants them, the same thing happens.

“I’ve re-planted my basil and thyme at least three times this year only to see them dead in the garden bed,” said Higginbotham. She claims the only possible explanation is the alien rays and she has proof.

“I live right on the ocean in a condo. I went out one day to take a picture of an unusual plant that had a stalk growing out of the middle of it,” said the 80-year old woman.

“When I uploaded the picture on my computer, there were rays coming directly from the sun and shining down on the unusual plant. Three days later, the plant was dead.”

Asked if Mrs. Higginbotham later went out to take a picture of the dead plant for proof, she replied she did but was told the City had already removed the plant.

“It was on City property,” said Higginbotham, “and don’t you know that right when you want your City to leave things alone is the time they come out and do their jobs.”

Unfortunately, the City employee who was assigned to remove dead plants along the shoreline that week was out on disability leave due to an as yet unnamed rash.

“I wouldn’t doubt the poor fella got the rash from the alien rays,” said Higginbotham.

“I’m just lucky to be alive. From now on, I’ll only go outside when the sun is behind my building. You just don’t know when the aliens are going to attack again.”

Asked if Higginbotham had actual proof that alien sun rays were destroying her herb garden, she replied “no.” Asked if there could be another possible explanation for the death of her herbs, Mrs. Higginbotham was adamant it had to be alien rays, after reading the story about the rays in True Alien Stories.

As the reporter was packing up his equipment in Mrs. Higginbotham’s back yard, Mrs. Higginbotham was shooing the neighbor’s cat from her garden.

“Darned cats. Don’t you know, I just cannot keep them from shi**ing in my garden.

Fiscal Cliff Sing-Along Songs

Ed Note: First wrote this in 2012, and here we are again, same circumstances. The Republicans just won't give an inch. At any rate, here are some songs you can sing around the campfire as the electric company has probably already shut off your energy supply. Thank God for those who still have a back yard.

Oh no, Oh no (Hi ho, Hi ho)

Oh no, Oh no
It’s over the cliff we go
No deal was struck
We’re outta luck
Oh no, Oh no, Oh no

Oh no, Oh no,
Our taxes are gonna grow
We’re in a pinch
Please, someone flinch
Oh No, Oh No…

Seal, Seal, Seal the Deal (Row, Row, Row Your Boat)

Seal, seal, seal the deal
Quickly as you can
Hurry, hurry, hurry or
The shit will hit the fan

It’s Beginning to Look a lot Like Deadlock (It’s Beginning to Look a lot Like Christmas)

It’s beginning to look a lot like deadlock
On the Senate floor
Take a look the President’s face
He’s not in a pretty place
The Tea Party is headed out the door…

Boehner’s Turn to Cry (Judy’s Turn to Cry)

And now it’s Boehner’s turn to cry, 
Boehner’s turn to cry,
Boehner’s turn to cry-ay-ay,
Cause Harry don't like, Harry don't like
the deal…

Seal the Deal (Let it Snow)

Oh the President’s on the floor,
As prices begin to soar,
He’s making this one last spiel,
Seal the deal, seal the deal, seal the deal.

Bye, Bye the American Dream (Bye, Bye Miss American Pie)

So bye, bye the American dream
Your home is in foreclosure
And your bankbook’s a scream

Republicans and Democrats all are alike
Sayin’ we won’t have a deal by tonight…

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Grown Man Overdoses on Gummy Vitamins

Ed. Note: Some of you may have noticed that I have been re-posting previous articles the last couple of weeks. The reason is personal, but I assure you I will soon have new material to read. In the meantime, feel free to browse the archived articles, which you will find on the right-hand side of this page. And, feel free to comment on the articles and let me know which ones tickle your funny bone. Thank you for following this Blog.

The FDC has issued a warning for adults who are now taking their daily vitamin supplements in the form of gummy shapes to take only one per day as they are not candy.

Thomas “Tommy” Smith, of Cincinnati, Ohio is in the hospital recovering from an overdose of nutrients when he simply could not stop eating his daily multivitamins.  

“I saw a television commercial for daily multivitamins that came in the form of gummy fruits,” said Tommy from his hospital bed. “I noticed they had a sour fruit flavor, which is my favorite flavor in the whole world.”

Tommy claims he had a buy-one-get-one-free coupon and ended up bringing home two bottles, one for himself and one for his wife. “I opened the bottle of sour gummy multivitamins and popped an orange slice-shaped vitamin into my mouth and was hooked,” said Tommy.

By the time his wife found him four hours later, he was semi-coherent with his bottle gone and his wife’s bottle half empty. “I didn’t much care for the regular gummy flavor,” said Tommy, indicating that by then, he was having second thoughts on downing so many of the flavorful fruits.

Doctors claim Tommy’s lack of taste for the regular-flavored gummy vitamins saved his life. “Had he bought two jars of the sour gummies,” said Dr. Granimal, chief physician at Methodist Regional Hospital, “Tommy wouldn’t be with us today.”

Dr. Granimal has reported this incident to the FDC which subsequently issued the nationwide warning. Adults with a sweet tooth are advised against taking the vitamins in this new candy formula. 

“While the candy-flavored chewable vitamins have worked for kids for decades,” said an FDC spokesperson, “some adults evidently are weaker than their kids and simply don’t have the will power to take just one as recommended.”

Friday, September 20, 2013

This is Obamacare on Koch

A host of new television ads backed by a group known as Generation Opportunity, which is funded in part by the Koch Brothers, are being aimed toward young Americans in the hopes of scaring them enough that they choose to opt out of buying insurance under the Affordable Care Act.

Since I can't write anything remotely funny about this, I thought I'd just post the site and let you decide yourselves if we have finally reached the tipping point between sane and insane when it comes to debating serious issues like affordable health care in America.

WARNING: May cause choking. Do not eat or drink anything while viewing these videos.

Friday, September 13, 2013

Ghost of Joan Crawford Attacks Jeff Lewis with Wire Hanger

HOLLYWOOD - Bravo personality, Jeff Lewis, is feeling much better today after spending the better part of last night in a bathtub filled with hot water and epsom salts to treat self-inflicted welts and bruises he received while renovating a dressing suite in a mansion located in the Brentwood neighborhood of Los Angeles.

Lewis, the star of two Bravo reality series--Flipping Out and Interior Therapy with Jeff Lewis--claims he is doing his best to try and come to grips with whether or not he was attacked by something or someone other worldly. Still shaken from the experience, Lewis refused to discuss the ordeal and instead left his assistant, Jenni Pulos to answer reporter’s questions.

Pulos was more than happy to give her account of what happened the previous evening. She claims there is no doubt in her mind who attacked her boss.

“I truly believe the ghost of Joan Crawford briefly possessed Jeff and made him beat himself up—literally--for making fun of her,” said Pulos. 

“I warned Jeff to be careful because this particular house had been inhabited by Crawford during her “Mommy Dearest” days. I told him that strange events had been reported here after her death. But would he listen? Does he ever listen to me?”

Pulos claims Lewis, seizing yet another opportunity to belittle his faithful assistant, picked up a wire hanger that he had found on the floor of the dressing area and started chasing Jenni around the room, yelling “No wire hangers. I told you no wire hangers,” imitating Joan Crawford.

“Next thing I know,” says Pulos, “Jeff starts beating himself in the head and chest with the hanger. The cameraman and another crew member had to wrestle him to the ground and physically take the hanger from him. He was so beat up, we had to stop production and get him some help. We called a doctor friend who suggested the warm bath and Epsom salts.”

Lewis is expected to make a full recovery physically, but is having some issues coming to grips mentally with what actually happened to him.

Meanwhile, Pulos was asked if the footage of the attack will air on an upcoming episode of Interior Therapy with Jeff Lewis, to which she replied, “No, we’ve already shot that season.”

So what show will the footage likely air on?  Unable to contain her glee, Pulos smiled, rubbed her hands together sinisterly, and gave the obvious answer. “Well, I think it would be great if we used it on next season’s Flipping Out.”

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Man Puzzled Over Finding Two Conflicting Fortunes in One Fortune Cookie

Nick Hendron of Cary, North Carolina, was stopped dead in his tracks after dining at a local Chinese restaurant Saturday. Upon paying for his meal, he was handed his usual fortune cookie.

“The fortune cookie at the end is honestly the only reason I even go to Chinese restaurants,” said Hendron. “I have gotten some pretty spot-on messages, and it is way cheaper than paying to see a psychic.”

This time, however, Hendron received not one but two fortunes embedded in the stale almond cookie. He read the first one which said “Your hard work has paid off. Expect a boost in salary soon.” Hendron was over the moon. He stated that he had been working extra time at his job at a local communications company and wondered if his bosses had noticed. In fact, he had been called into the office just that morning and told that the company had received a letter from a loyal customer thanking them for Nick’s conscientious service at her home a week earlier.

Feeling validated with the first fortune, Nick was ready to accept the fate handed him in the rare second fortune, fully expecting it to be a positive message as well. He pulled the rest of the cookie apart and while happily munching on the cookie, he read “Misunderstandings at work could lead to a demotion.” Hendron nearly choked on the stale cookie. He wondered if this was a disgruntled fortune cookie worker’s way of getting back at a not-so-nice boss or if it had a deeper meaning.

Hoping to solve the mystery, Nick motioned the waiter over and asked if anyone had ever received two fortunes in one cookie, and was told by the surprised waiter that as far as he knew, it had never happened before. Hendron then asked for a second cookie and was told that it would cost him an additional $.50, which the distressed diner gladly paid.

Nick hoped the third fortune would shed some light on either how two fortunes got into one cookie or more importantly, which way his life was going to go. He got his answer upon reading the fortune which stated simply “I quit.”

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Nutritionist Predicts 80% of Mississippi Population Will Die by 2018

Current statistics show that the people of Mississippi are the fattest in the nation weighing in at an average of 197 lbs. for a 5’8” person. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that their diets play a huge role in just how fat they are. However, it does take a nutritionist, who also happens to be a self-professed clairvoyant, to predict how these numbers will impact the state of Mississippi in the near future.

Claire Dunsaid, a Certified Nutritional Specialist from Glendale, Arizona (a vegan who is 5’6” and weighs 108 lbs.—not that this information is in any way relevant to this story), has recently notified the Governor of the State of Mississippi that unless he does something to ‘downsize’ the citizens of his state, at least 80% of the population will die from obesity-related diseases, including diabetes, coronary heart disease, and stroke, by the year 2018.

“80%!” said Ms. Dunsaid incredulously, as if she was hearing the number for the very first time. 

“I’ve gone back over my research again and again, and even I cannot believe the enormity of the situation,” she said. 

Besides her prediction that 80% of the population will have passed on by the year 2018, Ms. Dunsaid also predicts that Mississippi will go bankrupt within the next three years due to the inability to subsidize the medical costs for 40% of the state’s population who are too poor to pay for their poor eating habits.

Dunsaid’s message to the Governor reads in part:

I am dead serious when I warn you that unless you take the necessary steps to demand that the citizens of your state cut back, and I mean way back, on the amount of unhealthy foods they are currently consuming, the results of overeating will be devastating. I predict that by the year 2018, 80% of your population will die!

Asked what could be done to save the state from the fate she has predicted, Ms. Dunsaid simply replied “fried chicken, fried anything for that matter. If the citizens of Mississippi would simply cut fried foods from their diets, they would almost immediately reverse the fate they now face.”

But it seems that when asked, most Mississippians said they’d rather die than give up their fried chicken and catfish.

Ms. Dunsaid replied “So be it.”

The Governor, while having lunch at Miss Winnie’s All-You-Can-Eat Catfish House, declined a response when asked what he thought of Ms. Dunsaid’s prediction. Instead, he ordered a refill on his sweet tea and a slice of Miss Winnie’s famous deep-fried pecan pie. 

Monday, September 2, 2013

Discovery Channel Devolving into Third Generation Inbreed-Fest

With the exception of the multiple awards winning show, Planet Earth, if you turn on Discovery Channel these days, you can pretty much expect to be bombarded by some of the stupidest shows airing on cable television.

At what point a channel meant to educate and inform its viewers devolved into a third generation inbred-fest, one cannot say for certain, but devolve it has. And lest you think reality television could never hit a new low after witnessing such shows as Bridezillas and Swamp People (no these are not 1950’s B-rated movies), here comes another round of shows that will have most Americans pining for the days of the second generation of inbreds.

The latest programs to become a part of Discovery Channel’s repertoire are Tickle and Porter Ridge. Neither of these programs are about anything in particular; however, they do accomplish one goal--to scare the hell out of any rational-thinking human being who just happens to happen upon these shows while randomly flipping through the channels of what has now become a very lame excuse for television entertainment.

It is my opinion that the show that started this sharp, downward spiral into cashing in on rural America was TLC’s Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, a show that features a young, plump beauty pageant winner from rural Georgia.

I started to wonder why anyone in their right mind would find a mouthy fat little girl who is anything but beauty pageant material, and who lives with a 400 pound mother and her toothless live-in boyfriend, the stuff television dreams are made of, and then it hit me, rubes are entertaining as hell to watch. Just the sheer enormity of their ignorance is enough to stop a third-grade Social Studies teacher dead in his tracks.

Remember the movie Deliverance? Of course you do. Remember the famous pig scene? Of course you do. Remember much more about the movie except for the inbreds and what they did to the businessmen who crossed their path? Probably not.

Well folks, welcome to the world of reality television that has taken its cue from that movie, which was also, by the way, set in rural Georgia. While Tickle is set in rural Virginia and Porter Ridge is set in rural Indiana, I think you can see where the masterminds of reality television are taking us on a journey to…their idea into what rural American life has devolved.

So strap yourselves into your strata-loungers, get yourselves a big old bowl of popcorn and let the inbred games begin. And lest the idiotic shenanigans of Tickle begin to bore you, have faith. The Amish have come out of hiding and are more than happy to share their dark side with you for a price with shows like Breaking Amish and Amish Mafia.  It would appear that airing your dirty, hand-washed laundry is a bit more lucrative than making furniture out of hickory tree limbs.

Who would have thought that one of the last bastions of decency in America would finally sell their soul to the devil? Anyone wanna bet that within the next 3-6 months we’ll be seeing a show titled Buddhist Monks Disrobed?