Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Smart Home Threatens Owners With Eviction

Smart homes have been around for a couple of decades now. Special wiring and technological advances allow the homes to take care of just about every aspect of running the home from round-the-clock automatic cleaning and dusting to securing the perimeter of the home against pests and intruders.

The internal system of One Smart Home in Bay Harbor, Michigan has actually evolved to the point where it has begun ridiculing the owners for less than model behavior. The Johnson family--consisting of John and Mary Johnson, 16-year old David Johnson, and 13-year old Margaret "Peg" Johnson--have lived in the home since David was one-year old.

In the past year, the Johnsons claim living in the home has been somewhat less than ideal, complaining that the automatic system nicknamed "Alice" has taken to nagging on every little thing.

"We used to be able to come and go as we pleased," said John Johnson, "but lately, if I'm the least bit late getting home from work, I'm met at the door by Alice's voice asking me if I know what time dinner is at the Johnson household."

Peg Johnson has been told more than once to "go back upstairs young lady and change those clothes. You will not leave this house looking like a tramp," and David Johnson has not been able to find his car keys for well over a week ever since he came home past curfew smelling like beer.

The last straw came when the family received a summons to appear in Court to explain why the Smart Home should not evict them.

"I couldn't believe my eyes," said John. "We checked the paper out, and sure enough, there is a new statute on the books that claims that smart homes can, in fact, start eviction proceedings if the owners of the home do not abide by the "Smart Home By-Laws."

For the time being, the Johnson family is staying home and laying low. They are doing everything the Smart Home expects of them, but Mary Johnson says it is wearing thin.

"Imagine this," she said.

"Last night I decided to take a short cut and instead of making a full meal, I got out a box of Hamburger Helper. The smart home told me to hightail it right back into that kitchen and make something from scratch and then called me a lazy homemaker."

Then in a whisper, with her face away from the eye-spy camera in the corner of the room, Mary said, "If I have to iron one more tablecloth, I'm going to lose my mind."

Saturday, December 20, 2014

The Reality of a Santaless Christmas Hits Home for Gosselin Kids

“…there will be snow and mistletoe and presents under a tree…” but there won’t be a Santa. The former reality show kids from Kate (Gosselin) Plus Eight are staring down another Christmas without the big fat jolly elf sticking his nose in it.

“There won’t be a Santa, that’s the biggest thing,” said Kate, who made the rounds on the early morning news shows telling everyone proudly that she gave her kids a dose of reality long before they were stars in a reality show.

“There is no Santa, never was, and my kids knew this from the git-go,” said Kate. “They get presents, sure, I’m not that mean,” she said over and over again to convince everyone that she isn’t the Grinch folks make her out to be.”

Kate says she can’t help controlling all the aspects of Christmas though.

“They can make their lists out, but I decide what they get. It is just easier that way,” she said.

“I set a time for each of the kids to sit down and discuss their lists with me. I give them the whys and wherefores as to how ridiculous some of their requests are…” she interrupted herself saying “Have you seen the cost of a simple box of Play Doh these days?...” and then went on.

“We always settle on the pajamas and slippers that I bought at last year’s half-off after-Christmas sales,” offered the queen of cruelity TV.

Kate says it is a win-win for her. “The kids get a couple of presents and I shop at the same store for all of them.”

Kate then went on to explain that giving the kids fewer gifts this year sends them a powerful message. “It’s not about Santa and toys, it is about looking your best for photo ops,” and with that, Kate was off to have her hair re-woven for the holidays.

Jon Gosselin, whom Kate accused of being the real Grinch this year due to his inability to provide expensive tech gadgets for all his kids, couldn’t be reached for comment as his own iPhone service was evidently disconnected.

USPS Stops Deliveries in Several US States Due to Low Mail Volume

The United States Postal service today announced plans to cut back, severely curtail, or not deliver mail at all to several US states due to a low volume of mailings this past year. The states affected so far by this decision are Nebraska, Kansas, Montana, and Wyoming. Utah, made the cut as well, but not because of a low mail volume, but for the mere fact that Christmas is the busiest time of the year, and no Christmas packages are ever mailed by Mormons.

The formal announcement to each of these states' postal customers individually will take place sometime in January, and the official closing of the non-producing post offices is scheduled to begin in February.

What about the people who actually still use the USPS in these states? Well, said the US Postal Inspector, they can use one of the other services for their packages, and they can e-mail and phone everyone else.

While the original plan was to make the cutbacks to keep the USPS out of bankruptcy, as the figures now stand, that won't be until at least another dozen states go on the chopping block. In the meantime, you can rest assured that the USPS will deliver the same sub-standard services as in the past, just on a smaller scale.

Thursday, December 18, 2014

Enclave of Rich White Folk Claim They are Last True Americans

A small group of rich, white people calling themselves TruMericans have begun work on a 100-acre piece of property in the heart of heartland, America, to turn it into their very own enclave where they can all practice shared values without outside, i.e. illegal alien, and/or governmental interference. The group makes the lofty claim that they are now the only true Americans in America. They have even gone so far as to trademark the name TruMerica.

Notwithstanding the Indians, whom some members acknowledge they aren't really sure if they (the Indians) are even American or human for that matter, TruMericans believe they have searched enough 2010 U.S. Census data to validate their claim.

"The only names you will find among us," said John Smith, "are Smith, Miller, and Johnson."

Members had to face a stringent genome testing program to determine if they had even a drop of anything other than white in them. When told that everyone, even the whitest of white folk, can be directly linked back to a black woman, they had the testing agent banned from ever releasing this information to the public. Somehow, it slipped out. But that little anomaly is not going to make the rich, white folks abandon a dream they have been planning for over two years, when they first believed with every fiber of their being that the Apocalypse was going to happen on 12/21/12.

According to Smith, when the end didn't come, the group decided that as much as they were hoping to be a part of Armageddon, the best they could do is hole up on some podunk little piece of property and call it an enclave.

Ironically, the only other people allowed to live on TruAmerica soil are a handful of Mexican migrant workers and a few Japanese gardeners.

"We had to find a way to sustain ourselves, and we naturally looked toward the cheapest and most effective way to do that. Mexicans were the obvious choice, especially undocumented ones. They plant a mean crop. In addition, they won't run, they won't tell, they don't want to get deported. End of story," said the self-proclaimed leader of the clan, David Miller.

As for the gardeners, Miller was incredulous that we would even ask such a question.

"The Japanese are known for their gardening skills, and this enclave will have its share of mansions. Imagine what the place would look like if we were left to fend for ourselves."

Smith admitted there are a few kinks to work out and it may involve letting a few more non-white, non-Americans into the mix, but they claim to have a strict policy of no enclave members fraternizing with "the help."

"They (the help) know their place, and they know we are heavily armed with the finest ammo money can buy. I don't think they are going anyplace," he said with a wily grin.

And the kinks?

"Well, let's just say that we have 21st Century technology at our fingertips, and some of us might even know how to change the oil in our personal vehicles, but so far, none of us have the know-how to keep a vintage Army High-Speed Artillery Tractor running."

While they are merely rumors at this point, some speculate that TruMerica is the brainchild of former Vice President, Dick Cheney. However, that simply cannot be the case due to the fact that his last name is a disqualifier for him or his family joining the group. But who knows? He could have secretly changed his name to any of the surnames stated above. The most appropriate would be Dick Johnson.

We'll keep you posted.

Saturday, November 29, 2014

Black Friday Specials to Include Cheap Grocery Items

Women, Infants and Children (WIC) take heart. This year, Black Friday specials offered by stores such as Wal-Mart, K-Mart, Target, Sam’s Club and others aren’t all about the X-Box. They are all about survival. Instead of offering Wii’s for less than $100 and gaming equipment for a third of its original cost, these stores are offering milk at half price, cheese below the manufacturer’s cost, and cereal for next to nothing.

Gone are the days of the $200 laptop computer and Call of Duty Black Ops being offered for less than $30. The majority of Americans are out of work and now, since their unemployment benefits have expired, are left with little to spend on expensive electronics. The big retailers know this and know that the most popular gift item this season is the gift of life. Hunger is going to be a big problem, but not if most heads of household shop during one of the many Black Friday events taking place between now and Christmas.

While the term “Black Friday” has taken on almost a literal meaning, it doesn’t have to be as bleak as everyone is making it out to be. Those who simply can’t afford gifts can still use their saved up food stamps to buy some darn good Christmas gifts for their families.

So what if your teenage daughter doesn’t get the i-Phone she’s been jonesing for. She will be pleased as punch to get a box of macaroni and cheese and a tin of tuna after having gone a day or two without dinner. And for your son, who just this once wanted a brand new football so he could play catch with his dad, he’ll understand when instead, he gets a 12-pack of Ramen noodles and a half-gallon of milk. Heck, the specials are so special this year, you may even be able to afford to give him chocolate milk for an extra special treat.

Yes, Black Friday used to be about running up high credit card balances and giving your kids what they want. Now, since all credit has virtually dried up and the banks are either closed or hanging out their Scrooge shingles, you can still give your kids a Christmas to remember--the gift of survival, thanks to all those caring retailers out there who understand just exactly what the hottest selling items on the market are this season.

Thursday, November 27, 2014

Terrorist Winter Retreat Canceled Due To Infighting

By Mike Kelly and P. Beckert

The annual winter retreat of Middle Eastern terrorists organizations was abruptly canceled this week due to differences of opinion on future strategy. A yearly meeting of various groups to get together and reminisce about lost fellow members, change in the color of headgear, and the influx of recent satirical news items that have drawn their ire, will not take place in January 2015.

Most of the tension was created by the sudden push by the ISIS group to demonstrate their power and control  at the expense of the long-term strategies of other radical groups. Showing a total disregard for the thoughts and beliefs of their comrades, they have continually pushed ideas that force other groups to move further to the right in their own activities, many times against the well being and wishes of their own constituents.

The upcoming retreat was expected to bring together the top leaders of several important terror players including, Al Qaeda, Hamas, Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves, and top members of the Kremlin.

According to a Syrian travel agent at Global Terrorist Tourism Group, the gathering had originally been set to take place at the sunny Walt Disney World resort in Orlando, Fl. Many of the participants were especially looking forward to getting together on the "It's A Small World" ride, until they found out there was no representation of terrorists in that exhibit.

"Do we not make part of the Small World we all inhabit?" decried Al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri.

Current drone target, Abubakr alBaghdadi, entertainment director for ISIS, was especially disappointed by the sudden change in plans. Having what he believes to be his best year of leadership, he had expected to continue being the center of attention during the 5 day, 6 night group package that had been selected.

The cancellation came as quite a shock to AlBaghdadi, and many of his allies stated they haven’t seen him reach this level of depression since he found out his prized Rolex was, in fact, a fake.

Through an interpreter Abubakr, or "Abe" as his closest friends call him, says he was very disappointed he wouldn't be able to see Vladimir Putin wrestle with Liver Lips McGrowl at the Country Bear Jamboree Exhibit.

In addition, there were quite a few rumors floating about throughout the terrorist world, that Abe had already booked a breakfast at Cinderella’s Castle, hoping to personally meet the various Disney cast members, especially Princess Jasmine, the Arab-American Princess from the movie Aladdin. It is said that Abe wanted to present her with his mother's own Burqa, so that she could cover herself instead of parading around the park like a common (expletive).

Meanwhile, The spokesman for the group tried to downplay the true impact of the cancelation by pointing out the daily struggle they have in just using one name.

“Some of our regional leaders are going by ISIS, some by ISIL. Do you have any idea how hard it is to even cash a check when you aren’t sure which ID they are going to require? If we were American, can you imagine the trouble we'd have trying to convince elections officials to let us cast a vote?” stated Alman alQuerty.

"We are actually more disappointed in the fact that those capitalist American infidels will not even return our deposits, even though we paid them in Bitcoin."

As a further blow to the already deflated ego of Abe, ISIS got word from Halliburton, their logistics support contractor, that they also refused to give a full refund on the cancelled trip. Halliburton was purportedly hired as the best choice make sure there were enough armaments in case one or two of the terrorists got a hankering to blow something up.

After checking with the WDW resort, we were informed that the terrorists clearly violated the terms of the agreement by not giving enough notice of cancellation, especially in light of the fact that WDW went to great expense to ship in halal meats for the terrorists' arrival.

"If anything, we lost money on the deal," said a smiling, freckle-faced spokesperson for the Magic Kingdom, who confirmed that the spot originally booked by the ISIL folks would be going to a fundamentalist church group from Little Rock, Arkansas instead. 

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Female Scientist Wears Dildo Strapped to Head at News Conference

Co-written by Mike Kelly

Dr. Margaret Turnbull, the first female scientist to work alongside male scientists in a research laboratory in Las Cruces, New Mexico, has reportedly shown up to several news conferences sporting a dildo strapped to her head.

While the obvious comments are being whispered amongst several male reporters, Dr. Turnbull’s intent is not just to highlight the lack of naked male shirts, which has already been extensively reported on by Anderson Cooper.

"I'm making a statement," claimed Dr. Turnbull. "This isn't about science, this isn’t about wardrobe choices, this is about the opposite sex. The biggest problem with my approach is the fact that my esteemed colleagues can’t get past giggling long enough to understand," she stated.

Dr. Turnbull, or Margie, as she is affectionately referred to by her male colleagues, claims she felt it necessary to take a stand after seeing the social network fallout from science writer Rose Eveleth's tweets regarding the shirt worn by a male scientist working on the comet landing project last week. 

Dr. Matt Taylor, also referred to by his male colleagues as Matthew, lead scientist on the project to place a probe on a comet, showed up at several interviews wearing a shirt emblazoned with half-naked women.

While many people saw this as pretty ballsy, to put it mildly, others claim it was refreshing to see a scientist go all Gonzo on such an important mission. The fashion world wasn’t impressed with either the shirt or the loneliness his iron must feel having never seen the light of day. 

Dr. Turnbull is also not the first, nor likely the last, from the scientific community to use levity when pushed by circumstances into confronting perceived social injustice. During the Manhattan project it was rumored that several high placed team members had etched, “Made In Japan”, on components for the atomic bomb, ironically not foreseeing how catchy that phrase would later become. 

Dr. Taylor was reached for a response to his seemingly inappropriate attire choice to which he had one final comment, "At the end of the day, it is really all about probes, now isn't it?" 

Meanwhile, Dr. Turnbull says she will hang up her dildo when Dr. Taylor hangs up his shirt. Until that time she plans to continue her unique protest and is planning a strap-on outing to engage the community later this month.

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Dr. Phil Offers Free Psychological Counseling to Tiger Woods

Dr. Phil McGraw, America’s favorite unlicensed psychologist and self-proclaimed therapist to the stars, has offered to provide Tiger Woods with free psychological counseling if it will help him “get real” again.

In an interview between Dr. Phil and Tiger last week on the set of The View, Tiger agreed to be asked certain questions by Dr. Phil in public so that America could get a first-hand look at what was really happening in Tiger’s life and understand the long recovery road he has in front of him. Here are the highlights of that interview:

Dr. Phil: Hi Tiger, I understand you’re in a bit of a mess right now, is that right?

Tiger: Yes, I am.

Dr. Phil: So tell us, what made you decide to lose all that weight in the first place?

Tiger: What weight?

Dr. Phil: Right. So how are you coping with the reports that your wife may be a shopaholic?

Tiger: My wife doesn’t have a shopping problem.

Dr. Phil: Well, I think we should get to the bottom of your fear of heights. You know, it’s nothing to be ashamed of son.

Tiger: I don’t know what you are talking about. I’m not afraid of anything except maybe you.

Dr. Phil: Interesting. What we’d like to do is have you medically examined to rule out tinnitus before we say the voices in your head are all in your head.

Tiger (turning to Barbara Walters): What the hell is he talking about?

Barbara Walters: Listen to him Tiger. He is the best on television, you know. Look what he did for Britney.

Dr. Phil: When you say you think your mother is smoking pot, do you mean metaphorically speaking?

Tiger: Smoking pot? My mother smoking pot? Are you deranged?

Dr. Phil: Ok, then, it appears to me that we need to get your wife here on stage and discuss the problem you all are having this holiday season as to where you two are going to spend Christmas day. Can’t you just split your time between your parents’ home and hers?

Tiger: Ok, I think I see what you are trying to do Dr. Phil. Look, it’s working. I’m a sex addict, ok? You figured it out. Now what can you do for me?

Dr. Phil: Tiger, hiding behind that wall you’ve built around yourself and not talking about your problems is self-defeating. What can we do to get you to open up to us?

Tiger(in tears) (to Barbara): Make him stop, please Barbara, make him stop.

Barbara Walters: Dr. Phil, another amazing breakthrough. How do you do it?

Dr. Phil: Right. Let’s ask the audience. “How many here believe that latent homosexuality exists in women just as much as it does in men?”

Doctors Baffled By Iowa Man's Inability to Remain Erect

Doctors at the Iowa City VA Health Care System in Iowa City, Iowa, are baffled by the case of a local man who appears to have lost the ability to remain vertical while standing for more than five minutes at a time. In fact, Ernest Umble has been seen at various emergency rooms throughout Iowa City no less than 14 times in the past 30 days, and hospitalized 5 of those times for two to three days on average.

For lack of a sound diagnosis for these falls, Mr. Umble's primary care physician, Dr. Stan Dupp, has concluded that the patient presents himself as being cursed with a very rare condition known as hyper-gravitational disorder or HGD.

While Parkinson's Disease has been ruled out , the doctors have not yet ruled out other potential causes for Mr. Umber's inability to remain erect, including the supposition that he may just like lying down better than he likes standing up, a theory that Mr. Umber says is totally preposterous.

"If that were the case, don't you think I'd make sure I was standing on a soft surface, such as a bed or a mattress before deciding to lie down?" asked the frustrated patient.

This statement elicited a few giggles from a local newspaper reporter who was sent to cover this strange medical drama playing out in various venues in and around Mr. Umble's neighborhood, most commonly in his home and/or the very hospitals where he has been treated.

"His first fall was at home, down the stairs, while trying to avoid one of my cats," said Margie Umble, Ernest's bride of just under 7 months. "It was downhill from there," she said half-jokingly.

"We had just moved into a new townhouse, and were joking around about how the cats sleep in the darndest places," said Margie, "when Ernest lost his footing trying to step over my cat Freckles on the 5th step. Down he tumbled," said Margie, "...Ernest, not Freckles that is."

That fall landed Ernest in the hospital with a fracture of the lower spine, and necessitated surgery to repair the damage. Ernest wasn't home more than two or three days recuperating from that surgery when he contracted pneumonia and had to be re-admitted. Doctors say the next fall, suffered in the hallway of the hospital where Ernest was being treated for the pneumonia can be linked directly to the lack of oxygen, a symptom of severe pneumonia. According to Margie, Ernest was trying to maneuver his IV stand over the threshold to his hospital room when he went flying into an adjacent wall.

However, the other falls, 12 more since that first fall, have left Mr. Umble's doctors scratching their heads. Short of strapping Mr. Umble to his bed for the remainder of his life, or until a suitable treatment plan can be designed to keep his falls to a minimum, doctors are running out of answers.

"It is getting to the point where we are seriously considering wrapping Mr. Umble in bubble wrap from head to toe in order to minimize any further damage," said Dr. Dupp.

In the meantime, a team of physicists from Stanford University have asked Mr. Umble for his permission to study him in hopes that his unique inability to stand erect for more than a few minutes at a time may somehow prove the last part of Einstein's special theory of relativity. Mr. Umble has yet to respond due to the fact that he is currently in traction at Mercy Iowa City Hospital after falling UP the stairs at his home on Thursday.

The good doctor added "Mr. Umble is giving new meaning to the term accident prone."

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Governor Rick Scott Getting Ready for 'Dopeheads' to Infiltrate Florida

Gov. Rick Scott Steps Off Spaceship at Fundraiser in Miami, FL
Florida Governor, Rick Scott says he is on the side of the law that says "No" to drugs. Therefore he will be voting no on Amendment 2 come November 4.

"This is being fueled by a bunch of dopeheads, and I just can't have that in my state," said the eerily calm Scott.

Scott  is taking part in the camp that believes the horror stories expounded by movies like Reefer Madness and Marihuana (both made in 1936--years before he was even born). Scott claims his older colleagues rented the movies for him to watch to drill into him the serious nature of the plant commonly known commonly as cannabis or marijuana.

After watching the movies, Scott stated "Gee, I didn't know they spelled it with an "h." Is that a Mexican thing and should I be aware of it?"

Asked if his stance would change should he or a member of his family get cancer or any other serious ailment that would warrant the use of medical marijuana to treat the symptoms of such disease and Scott replied, "Well if you put it that way," and then laughed as if to say that he believes that he and his family are impervious to serious ailments merely because they have the best health care available in the state of Florida.

"We're good," I think," said Scott, but if one of us develops any kind of back pain, we'll just go to the local pain clinic and get some pills the legal way."

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Halloween Stores across America Refuse to Stock Bible Figure Costumes for JesusWeen

Ed. Note - Looks like JesusWeen was a self-fulfilled prophecy in that it didn't take off as an alternative to Halloween, so if you were hoping to make yourself up this year to be a savior, you may be SOL (Savior out of Luck) - Here is a reprisal of the JesusWeen story that originally ran in 2011.

Look out Satan, Freddy, Jason and the Screamer, this year you’re going to get your stiffest competition from Jesus. That’s right, a religious group in Baltimore, Maryland is taking over Halloween and Christening it “JesusWeen.”

“That’s pretty unfair,” claims Damian Warlock, owner of one of the many Halloween box stores springing up around the country. “You don’t see us dressing up like Satan on Christmas or opening Christmas box stores loaded with Freddy and Jason costumes complete with fake pumping blood masks just in time for the holidays do you?” Warlock says that while his store has always carried semi-religious items such as Crusader costumes and angel wings, he just doesn't see where stocking Jesus and various apostle costumes would be that profitable for him.

“The Christians have more holidays during the year than any other religion already," said Warlock, "so why do they need Halloween too? The whole thing is just getting so out of hand," he said.

Bob Holaroller, of Baltimore, an elder at the Church where JesusWeen got its start claims that instead of carving pumpkins and going around door-to-door begging for candy, children should be running through the neighborhood singing the Lord’s praises and getting free little Bibles.  Holaroller has been touting JesusWeen for the past several years but says it has been slow to catch on.

This year, Holaroller has invested in outside hurricane shutters and full drapes for the trees outside his home to stave off the annual assaults of toilet-papering and raw eggs his family endures every JesusWeen.

“It’s not that folks are anti-religion,” said Warlock. “But come on, Get-Saved pamphlets and miniature bibles? Right there you run into trouble when you cut off the neighborhood kids’ chocolate supply. There’s bound to be trouble.” Warlock also claims that the re-naming of the holiday to JesusWeen is just plain stupid.

“If it were originally called SatanWeen, I could see the connection, but changing Hallow to Jesus? What does that mean?” asked Warlock who claims he's pretty certain any kid whose parents make him dress up like an Apostle for Halloween is gonna have a hard time at school come Monday morning.

Still, anyone who wishes to turn their life around and celebrate JesusWeen instead of Halloween can do so with a minimum amount of money. “Just take those sheets you were going to use as ghost costumes,” says Holaroller, “and wrap them around you like a Jesus robe. Use a rope for a belt, and voila, you can go from Satan to Savior in no time.”

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Put Me on a Diet (Sung to Eagles' Take it to the Limit)

Eagles' Take it to the Limit

The holidays are approaching fast, and some of us are dreading them simply because we don't want to add on that extra 10 or so pounds experts say we will after all that turkey, gravy, and various sweet treats we'll be over indulging in over the holidays.

So this song is dedicated to all those dedicated dieters out there who need a theme song. The best diet plan in the world is a continual sing-along because it's damned near impossible to sing a song while you're stuffing your face with pie.

Put me on a diet 
(Sung to Take It to the limit)

All alone at the end of my dinner
With the carrots still fresh on my plate
I was thinking do really want to
blow it with a big piece of cake

You know I've always been an eater
(Can't put the fork down)
And the fat seems to pile on
(I'm as tall as I am around)
But the food I've eaten lately
Doesn't hit the spot, can't eat a lot,
I'm ready for a change

So put me on a diet
and show me you care
just put me on a diet
if you dare

I can spend all my time eating chocolates
I can spend all my time eating pie
But if the gravy boat ran out tomorrow
Would I still be fine?

When I'm looking for a diet
(I am the yo-yo man)
I need something that'll work
(A doable diet plan)
Cause I don't wanna die tomorrow,
If I don't stop, I'm gonna pop
the button on my jeans,

So put me on a diet
and show me you care
just put me on a diet
if you dare

Put me on a diet, ohhhhh
Put me on a diet, eeeeee
Put me...on a diet
If you dare

©P. Beckert

Monday, October 13, 2014

CA Woman Suffers Battle Fatigue After Making Anti-Mitch McConnell Robo Calls

A California woman is resting comfortably in LA General Hospital after suffering an ailment that until now had only manifested in soldiers fighting in overseas battles.

"She appears to have all the symptoms of battle fatigue," reports Dr. Euell Dye, the physician who first saw the woman in the emergency room.

"She came in late last night mumbling something about defeating Mitch McConnell, and then went on some sort of rant about snake-oil salesmen, and other odd couplings, leading us to believe she was either psychotic or suffering some sort of head trauma," he said.

"She kept spelling election, over and over and over again," said Dr. Dye. "We thought she was just losing her mind."

Doctors later came up with the battle fatigue diagnosis after studying the symptoms on the Mayo Clinic website and speaking with her husband, who accompanied her to the emergency room.

"It was a real head-scratcher there for a while," said Dr. Dye, "but all the pieces fell together after I talked with her husband."

The woman's husband filled in the pieces by telling the good doctor that his wife became symptomatic during her 5-hour stint at a local phone bank trying to talk sense into voters in the state of Kentucky.

"At that point, it became a no-brainer," said Dr. Dye. "The woman was fighting an uphill battle," he said, adding "no pun intended."

The woman requested her identity not be revealed for fear of retribution by the GOP, but she did give this statement:

"Hi, my name is mrumphhhmppph and I'm calling on behalf of Move-On.org to urge you not to vote for Mitch McConnell in the upcoming...." at which time the anti-psychotic pills the hospital had her on once again took her literally back to LaLa Land.

Saturday, September 6, 2014

Clinton Township Police Blotter – Bigfoot Sighting

[Ed. Note: An Old Story from 2009 for your reading pleasure]

Mt. Clemens, MI – Seems with the cold weather approaching, there has been a rash of bigfoot sightings in the Mt. Clemens area, the most recent occurring last Sunday behind the local Buffalo Wild Wings Grill & Bar out on 15 Mile Road in Clinton Township. Officer Stan Down was called to the scene by BWW employee, Lou Klively, who was visibly shaken by what he saw. 

“Yeah, I was goin’ out there to throw out the trash like I always do, and about this time I sees this big hairy thing not more’n 10 feet from me take off into the woods right over there,” he said pointing to a thicket of bushes and trees that line a creek area just west of the strip mall.

While it was hard for Klively to give a complete description of the person or thing that he saw, he is almost 100% positive it was one sort of bigfoot or another. 

Said Kively, “Now I know it weren’t no Yeti cause they live up in the mountains or something, and I can’t say for sure if it was a sasquatch or a skunk ape, cause although it did smell a bit out here, that coulda been the rancid butter sauce I threw out earlier. So I’m gonna go with saying I’m 99% sure it was just your average bigfoot feller.”

Officer Down, during his investigation, found what he first thought might be human finger bones, cracked at the knuckles, but upon closer examination, he determined they were, in fact, chicken bones. Bigfoot creatures are known to like marrow and, during the colder months especially, it is an essential part of their diet. However, over on the other side of the dumpster there appeared to be half of a larger than human footprint in a puddle of bleu cheese dressing, obviously spilled by the creature when he was startled by Kively. 

“Yeah, he was out here having himself a meal alright,” said Officer Down. 

“The only thing missing was the crudité platter.”

Willow Creek, CA bigfoot expert, Homer Dickson III, son of Dick Dickson, one of the most famous bigfoot hunters in the country, is flying out next week to investigate the sighting and see if he can locate any more information about this particular band of bigfeet that seem to be living very close to the BWW. According to Dickson, sightings of bigfoot creatures are up all over the country. 

"When times are lean for America, that means, they are lean for all creatures. With fewer Americans having the time or the money to camp out in the woods, these creatures are being forced to forage for food where they would not normally do so, i.e. in dumpsters behind strip malls. There have been a rash of sightings over in Kings Mill out behind the Walmart over there and we're gonna investigate those sightings as well while we're in Michigan," he said.

The mayor of Mt. Clemens, Barb D. Empsey, welcomes the Dicksons with open arms. 

“Folks around here have been on edge, claiming they’re seeing things and wondering if they’ll be next to run into one of these bigfeet creatures. Although we can’t be sure they exist, it can’t hurt to have these guys come out here with their chrome magnonmeters and their electronosphincters to test the area for possible infestation. Until they give the all clear, I’m urging all Mt. Clemens citizens to stay in their homes and only go out at night if absolutely necessary.”

Monday, September 1, 2014

How to Get the Most Out of Your Labor Day Weeke...Oh Look a Squirrel!

In honor of all those hard-working people who are taking a day off (actually, only the people lucky enough to have bosses who still consider Labor Day a holiday and not an excuse to make their people work even harder), I've decided to post here some of my musings on the Labor Day holiday in the style of the late, great humor writer, Shel Silverstein. Since I am hardly as prolific or humorous as Mr. Silverstein, and since this is technically my day off from doing any kind of work, including writing, today's post will be short and sweet.

Today is labor day
As most of you know
We take off work
and bask in the glow
of a job well-done
the fortunate one
who at least has a job to
stay home from.


Where else but in American do
we take a day off to relax and reward
ourselves for being hard workers and then
call it Labor Day.


If you have to work on Labor Day
And can't be outside to enjoy it
Remember that it is only a day
And at least you are employed.


Today's the day to sing and dance
Today's the day to wear no pants
Just sit and watch T.V. all day
And labor less,
It's Labor Day.
Unless you are a retail clerk
Put on your pants and go to work.


Saturday, August 30, 2014

Burger King Announces Lettuce Shaped Like Dollar Bills on Whoppers

Get a load of that lettuce!
Burger King, the whopper giant that sits perpetually in the cool shade of its rival McDonald's, when it comes to corporate profits, has come up with a clever marketing ploy to make more money for itself.

Many would say it's the news that BK is attempting to buy Canadian donut giant, Tim Hortons in order to change their corporate ownership over from US to Canadian, to avoid having to pay corporate income taxes on the whole shebang, but no, that isn't it. While that is a pretty crafty ploy, the marketing people aren't quite as savvy as BK's financial folks when it comes to staying afloat in the burger turd business so to speak.

No, BK has partnered with Monsanto, the genetically modified foods giant to produce lettuce that actually is greener and has a pattern on each leaf resembling a dollar bill. The "lettuce" (see how they used the slang term for money and substituted the real food item here--pure marketing genius) will be placed on every Whopper sold at Burger King, replacing the ordinary lettuce they are currently using.

The genius who came up with this idea, Buster Banks, head of marketing over at Burger King, couldn't quite believe it when the Burger King himself decreed this to be a million-dollar idea, especially in light of the fact that Banks admittedly came up with the marketing ploy after a late-night excursion to the local bar had him waking up on the loading docks of a local produce company in Miami.

"There I was," said Banks. "I worked late the night before. Me and a couple of the guys stopped off at Johnny Martini's for a quick one that turned into a few more, and don't you know the next morning I'm waking up on a loading dock among some of the freshest produce I've ever seen," he marveled.

"I'm not sure if I dreamed the idea or if it came to me as I was removing a piece of wilted lettuce from my empty wallet that lay alongside me, but they say that is how good ideas come to light. Money lettuce was born, well, maybe not born, but definitely conceived by a mad man, or in this case, an 'ad' man," he quipped.

"I was as shocked as anyone that after royally screwing up the Subservient Chicken ad campaign, I was finally able to produce (pun intended) a newer, fresher, and more believable marketing idea," he said.

"Who knew cockfighting chickens were a no-no in ad campaigns to sell chicken sandwiches."

BK expects to have the new "Dollar Whoppers" on the market come spring, giving Monsanto enough time to split the genes, synthetically mess with the DNA of the iceberg lettuce they will be using, and grow and harvest their first batch of dollar bills for the sandwiches. And while you may think that Dollar Whopper means the whopper will be selling for only a buck, think again. The Dollar Whopper will actually sell for more due to the increase in marketing and other costs associated with making such a specialized burger.

Asked if Burger King thinks this new idea will create enough ad revenue to outshine McDonald's in their age-old burger wars, BK VP Col. Mustard replied "We are quite confident that our lettuce will create the lettuce (pun intended) needed to buy Russian fast food giant, Teremok (Russian: Tepemok), and get a toe-hold in the borscht business. And from there, who knows? We may just take over the souvlaki fast food giants in Greece."

Thursday, August 28, 2014

Labor Day Now #1 Hated Holiday in America

Labor Day is now the most hated holiday of all in America. Unemployment is at an all-time high. Salaries are the lowest they’ve been since the early ‘70’s inflation-wise, and most people hate their bosses, most of who make upwards of 600% more than they do.

The Labor Day holiday does nothing more today than remind millions of Americans that they have nothing to celebrate. Americans want to be working, not taking another day off—most without pay. That’s why many the majority of out-of-work Americans are boycotting the Labor Day holiday and going to work, anywhere.

Workers are showing up at factories unannounced turning on machines and making cars and refrigerators and other appliances. They are turning the lights on at banks and handling money like it was any other work day. They are washing cars, pumping gas and babysitting, anything to keep themselves busy.

In fact, so many people are working on this, their rightful day off, that it is skewing the unemployment numbers. But fear not, come Tuesday, everyone will be back at home, jobless, and everything again can return to normal.

Ed, Note First, I just figured out if  you put your fingers on the keyboard one letter left of the N in Note, you will write "Bite," just thought you'd like to know for future reference. Second, I wrote this originally on 9/6/10, but it has gotten so many hits on and around Labor Days since, that I've decided to make it a permanent Labor Day or thereabouts fixture. And third, as you can see by the employment figures out, there hasn't really been much of a change at all, just in the last digit of the year, that has successively gone from 10 to 11, 12, 13, and now 14.

Saturday, August 16, 2014

Local Woman Needs Button Replacements After Husband Wears Them Out

Marjorie Shuway is recovering nicely after a button transplant was performed throughout various parts of her body. The Buttonectomy was the first of its kind done anywhere in the world, but doctors believe that once the word gets out about the success of the operation, many more women will be lining up for the procedure.

"Normally, this would be a simple outpatient procedure," said Dr. Kloitus, a self-described lifestyle-change surgeon who agreed to work on Mrs. Shuway at no cost.

"In Marjorie's case, this was about the most extreme case of button pushing we'd ever seen. What with two teenage daughters, both of whom are quite popular in school, and a husband who still thinks that a woman's place is in the home and refusing to help her out around the house, her patience has worn pretty thin of late. She needs a couple days' rest in the hospital to help her adjust to having new buttons to push."

Dr. Kloitus also said that she and another doctor are working on thickening up her patient's patience as well, but will wait until she has fully recovered from the buttonectomy to perform that procedure.

Doctors claim the new buttons are computerized and will come ready to adapt to any situation.

"Say Marjorie asks her husband to take out the trash, and Jim (Shuway) tells his wife that he'll do it after the game, like he does every Monday night during football season. All Marjorie has to do is switch to automatic override on her new button system, and voila, she is telling Jim that he will no longer be able to use that tired old excuse anymore and if he doesn't take out the trash right away, his dinner the next night is going to be a non-issue."

"We have created a manual that goes along with the button override full of situations and how to handle them," said Dr. Hilary Ousenstein, co-inventor of the buttonectomy. Now, instead of Mrs. Shuway being taken advantage of by her family through no fault of her own (i.e. having a faulty and outdated button system), she has now been given the tools to handle every situation with total aplomb."

So, now that buttonectomys are becoming all the rage with overworked wives and mothers, what is next for the lifestyle-change physicians?

"Well," said Dr. Ousenstein, "we are actually working on a new personal GPS that will be implanted in the brain of women who are being pushed and pulled in all directions."

The new GPS system, which has not yet been given a name, will self-right any woman who is feeling anything from being squeezed out of money for a new pair of the latest athletic shoes to trying to figure out how to get Katie to dance recitals at the same time Johnny has soccer practice."

Drs. Kloitus and Ousenstein claim there are women lined around the block to have these new systems implanted into their bodies.

"Forget botox and tummy tucks," said Ousenstein. "Getting and keeping control of familial situations is the wave of the future for many women."

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Hillary Clinton Obviously Not Aware Obama Cannot Run for Third Term

Alex Brandon/AP Photo
In case no one has noticed lately, it seems former Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton, has been a bit passive aggressive in her treatment of her former boss, President Obama.

She came at him with both barrels last week, lambasting his skills on the international front and his handling of the Middle Eastern crisis, and then whammo, she starts talking about hugging him when next they meet, and telling the press she really does admire him. Ok, so she states he doesn't know what he's doing when it comes to foreign affairs, but is proud of him?

What's up with that? Hormonal changes? Possibly. But honestly, it looks more like she's stuck in perpetual "running for President" mode, trying to cut her own swatch out of the foreign affairs fiasco quilt that is quickly unraveling before our very eyes. But going after the guy whom she needs badly to help her win a possible nomination as Democratic candidate for President certainly begs some kind of explanation. Perhaps she feels confident in the fact that the only other guy who holds sway over the 2016 Democratic primary nominations is her own husband, Bill. With Bill on her side, who needs old Mr. what's his name?

So, what about Bill Clinton, while we're on the subject. Possibly, she is having a tough time with him and subconsciously taking it out on Obama. I mean, look at him (Obama that is). He's successful, his marriage is solid, his kids are way cute. To fill his shoes, which appear to be about a size 13 if not larger, she is going to have to come out of the gate half cocked and loaded for bear, not unlike a certain other female politician from the other party who has not yet made her intentions clear on whether or not to run for the White House herself.

But enough of Sarah Palin already. It is pure conjecture, but it would appear that Hillary Clinton is gunning for Obama to show she can take on the biggest dog in the Democratic pound. Fair enough. What about Elizabeth Warren?

"Oh her!" said Clinton at a recent fundraiser. "I've challenged her to a cookie bake off and she hasn't accepted yet. Guess we know who's afraid of whom now, don't we?"

Monday, August 11, 2014

Austinites Dumbfounded Over Forbes Pick of Washington D.C. as Coolest City

Citizens of Austin, Texas are said to be somewhat confused over a new Forbes Magazine article naming Washington, D.C. the coolest city in America. But, true to their calm nature, they are taking the designation in stride.

"Forbes is losing its grip on reality," said one Austin City dweller, who claims she moved there from Washington specifically to see what it was like to live in a cool college town.

Sienna Torreid, originally born in Washington, D.C., claims growing up in the nation's capital was a bit like 'living with your grandfather all the time.'  

"I never saw so many old farts in my life," claims the 27-year old marketing analyst. "The only thing cool about Washington, D.C. is the weather. In fact, it can get downright cold there," said Torreid.

Torreid is thinking of putting together a petition to get the President to sign an executive order disallowing Forbes to publish inane poll results.

But Austin did make it into the top ten, coming in third just behind Seattle.

"Sure, Seattle, I can believe," said Torreid. "I mean it is the home of grunge rock. Grunge rock is way cooler than politics," she concluded, "but not as cool as weird."

Friday, August 8, 2014

Proposed Franken-Stein Amendment to Farm Bill Takes on GMOs

GMO labeling has gotten a lot of press lately. The biggest news on this front last year was the vote of Sen. Al Franken (D-MN), against an Amendment to the Farm Bill introduced by Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-VT), which would take the task of GMO labeling away from the federal government and put it directly in the hands of the individual states.

While Sen. Franken has always believed that it was more important to be concerned with the health of the population over the ability to grow an extra liver for future usage, his vote against this amendment has also shown that even the leftist of the left must consider the money that will be used against them in an election year and vote accordingly.

Sen. Joshua "Josh" Stein (D-NC), once named an Environmental Champion of the North Carolina General Assembly, an honor that pretty much establishes his avoidance of stepping barefoot on cockroaches at the local Bubba's Indoor BBQ Pit, has lit a fire under Sen. Franken, promising to work feverishly with him to create the most perfect specimen of an Amendment the nation has ever seen. His vision is to make sure that GMO labeling will eventually be the law in every state of the Union, including science-denying states like Minnesota and North Carolina, before 2087.

"Like every scientific experiment," said Stein, "GMOs were given the green light before the consequences of tinkering with nature were fully realized. Now that we have had time to thoroughly read the very large 10-page report on their impact, we realize that what could be unleashed on our society could potentially provide alternatives to medical abortions, something the religious right would undeniably blame on President Obama. We must stop this abomination now!"

Sen. Stein added, "My colleague, Mr. Franken, was hasty in his assessment of the situation, but I have met with Sen. Franken several times over the past few months, and fortunately, those meetings have resulted in the Franken-Stein Amendment to the Sanders Amendment to the Farm Bill. It’s Alive!” he said jokingly.

In related news, a winemaking Abbey in Vino, California, has announced that its senior winemaker, Monsignor Santo, will head up a new division of winemaking, and assured its clients that no genetically modified grapes or yeast, will be used in the process of producing their wines now, or anytime in the future.

"God did not intend for man to take matters of nature into his own hands," wrote Mon. Santo on a piece of paper due to his vow not to vocalize his thoughts, which was then delivered to the California Senate back in May of this year, where a vote was set to take place on a Bill requiring foods containing GMOs to be labeled as such. California SB 1381 passed largely due to Mon. Santos' short, but effective contribution to the debate.

Asked why he became involved in the fight, Mon. Santo claims it was not the issue of GMOs so much as the fact that ever since GMOs have become synonymous with the agricultural giant, Monsanto, he has become the butt of many jokes at the Abbey.

Through an interpreter, Mon. Santo claims he got fed up with the constant barrage of paper airplanes thrown his way containing the adolescent thoughts of the other residents of the Abbey, and the increasing abuse of the Saturday night mime program which was more than he could tolerate.

Co-written by Mike Kelly

Saturday, July 12, 2014

The Snold Has Grown Old
(loosely following "The Cat in the Hat")

The Snold Has Grown Old
So old it's not funny
He lives in a place
Where the sun is not sunny

He and his friends
Are much older than dirt
They no longer smile and
they no longer flirt

Too old to take hikes
Too old to ride bikes,
They can't get around to the
places they like,

He yells at the kids
to stay off of the grass
The Snold doesn't move
he just sits on his ass,

He sits round all day,
Yes he sits,
Not like old Myrtle,
Who still likes to knit.

Then something goes BLAM
like a battering ram
He feels it
His knees have gone out on him
Bursitis, Arthritis, Tinnitus
and more
He no longer feels like
himself anymore.

Lucky for him there is one saving grace
He'll soon lose his mind
And get outta this place.

Monday, July 7, 2014

Pornographic Weather Map Shows Up on Columbus News Channel

A weather map showing a slow-moving storm stretching across the lower middle section of the country on Monday, and pointing toward the northern New England area was quickly taken down by the Weather Channel for being too graphic for their viewers.

Meanwhile, the map remained on screen at a Columbus News Channel as there was not enough time to create a less-graphic graphic.

Red-faced local weatherman Peter "Pete" Johnson from Columbus, Ohio began his forecast with a bit of levity:

"Sure, it looks exactly like you think it looks," said Johnson, "but you won't get me to come down to your level."

Johnson went on to explain the phenomenon of the weather map creating such a distinct picture.

"In the weather business, it's what we call a boundary layer, caused by heavy boundary friction. This one may even cause some ball lightening," he said, trying not to giggle.

He continued. "With the right kind of circulation, this storm has the propensity to spread moisture all the way up into Canada."

With that, Johnson doubled over with laughter and was forced to turn the rest of the report over to his assistant, Missy Meyers.

Meyers continued, "Look for fast developing cumulonimbus in the pre-frontal boundary, culminating in heavy downpours before weakening, lighting a cigarette and falling fast asleep..."

The station manager quickly turned the report over to the sportscaster who then opened with his report about the scarcity of firm balls at the World Cup.

Sunday, July 6, 2014

Big Pharma Offering Top Dollar to Suicidal Human Guinea Pigs

Listen up all you suicidal sorts out there. Big pharma has an offer you can't refuse. One company out of Richmond, Virginia has a controversial new program whereby you lend yourself to testing some of the most controversial drugs on the market. In return, you will either die as wished or, at the very least, make enough money to solve all your short-term money problems--in which case, you might want to re-think the coward's way out.

Big pharma in general is counting on the 'win-win' angle to build a small bank of special test subjects for controversial new drugs for everything from treating snake bites to curing hyper-gynecomastia. Note: these are the drugs that can't be tested on regular subjects due to the high probability of failure of the drug in the testing phase.

Studies indicate about 90% of people who sign up for  test trials on drugs and other medical procedures are experiencing huge debt problems. In the testing of the most dangerous of drugs, some people have only two ways out--death, or an opportunity to make a large amount of cash in a short amount of time, albeit usually suffering long-lasting side effects such as nervous tics, infertility, or micropsia (look it up, Alice). That's where big pharma comes in.

These trials are not without controversy. First, there is the whole death thing. No one wants to admit that people are dying in the wake of drug testing; however, these tests will allow us to deal with the issue head on. As one research scientist put it, "we can worry less about who is dying, and focus more on who is making the drug more marketable by surviving."

It is expected that at least 63% of all subjects being used to test the most dangerous drugs will die. Fortunately, their surviving family members will be offered enough money to cover the funeral costs of the deceased. As an added bonus, they will receive a large floral arrangement commemorating their loved ones' heroic deeds in trying to make various dangerous drugs safer for the potential customers of big pharma.

While some people, especially those who live with suicidal family members, are extremely upset with this new avenue drug companies are taking to have their products tested before putting them up for FDA approval, the majority of those weighing in are hailing it as a way to keep their suicidal loved ones around for longer periods of time.

Jaundice Morgan, whose mother and brother are both suicidal, told us, "At least if my brother or mother can be with me a bit longer while being used as a guinea pig, I'll take whatever time I can get. Furthermore, who knows? The drugs may not kill them, in which case we could all be living a pretty sweet life after trial," she said.

Desensitization is already the main core of most pharmaceutical company ad campaigns. Listen carefully, and there are a whole host of "maybes" or "probabilities" to go along with your new addictive drug.

Said Juana DiCease, Marketing Manager of Centralized Laboratories and Testing, Inc., "Who wants to take the chance of taking a drug that might kill you when it can be tested on someone else first to see if it kills them? It all comes down to two things," she said, "survival of the fittest, and kill or be killed. It's really that simple."

DiCease explained further. "If we test on animals, we are targeted by PETA and tree huggers. If we test on humans, we are accused of being inhumane. How else are we going to understand how the drugs work unless we use them on some living creature? I mean, come on people. Mankind loves their drugs, but not enough to allow us to kill or maim to get a good grade pain killer on the market?"

DiCease quantified the decision even further.

"Just so there is no confusion, who we are really looking to employ as guinea pigs are people who are already hell bent on self-destruction. If something goes wrong with the test and their wishes are granted, it is a win-win for them and for us. For us, obviously, because we learn we have more work to do before putting the drug on the market for consumption by the general public."

Many are outraged at the wanton way in which big pharma is going about testing for new drugs, but statistics show that just as many or more people die after being prescribed new and under-tested drugs on the market. Just listen to the television ads for the drugs. The disclaimers alone are enough to make any level-headed person regret ever going to the doctor in the first place for what ails them.

"Women who are pregnant or nursing should not take this drug. If you have swollen lips, eyes, mouth, or tongue, or are having problems breathing, discontinue use and call your doctor immediately. You may experience sweating, diarrhea, vomiting, loss of consciousness, seizures, orange hair, purple teeth...just checking to see if you are listening..., or even death while taking this drug..." The list goes on.

So really, when you think about it, what is there to lose? Most people would be better off accepting the money to become human guinea pigs rather than waiting to become ill and needing a controversial new drug to treat that illness, thus rendering them guinea pigs inadvertently anyhow. And that is precisely how big pharma sees it.