Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Got Cannabis? Ad Campaign Convinces Big Names to Star in Commercials

In one of the largest attempts yet to get the word out on legalization of marijuana in California, a large Los Angeles public relations firm by the name of Blunt and Schuster (BSPR) has come up with a ‘Got Cannabis?’ ad campaign that will star some heavy hitters from the entertainment world.

Like the ‘Got Milk?’ campaign years ago touting the benefits of drinking milk, the Got Cannabis? campaign will pull out all the stops to inform the public just how beneficial pot smoking is. The tag line for the campaign will be “Pot, It’s not just for getting high anymore,” alluding to the fact that medical marijuana is just one of the reasons that marijuana should no longer be considered a controlled or illegal substance.

Already the campaign has received confirmation from such notables as Jennifer Aniston, Steve Martin, Jon Stewart and Lady Gaga to star in the ads. “The bennies to doing an ad campaign where every set has a lit bong going is all the payment I need,” said Martin, who admitted that the only time he doesn’t smoke pot is at dawn. Of course, the actors will receive monetary compensation for their time. BSPR says it’s just a matter of hashing out the details.

In addition to the above celebrities, talks are ongoing to get Roseanne and Jack Nicholson to appear in ads as well. BSPR has indicated that a few other very well-known celebrities have caught wind of the project and are eager to offer their talents as well as the campaign progresses.

Doona Blunt, top creative executive at BSPR claims that this ad campaign will finally lift the lid off the stigma of legalizing marijuana and allow the truth to come out. “It will be bigger than Save the Whales, that guy in the Old Spice commercials, or even Ted Williams’ voiceover for Kraft Macaroni and Cheese.”

The ads are expected to air right around the 4th of July and will feature a semi-nude Jennifer Aniston holding a blunt with one hand and her naked breast with the other, asking, “If you had a choice between attending parties with rowdy drunks or mellowed-out pot heads, which would you choose?”

Friday, May 27, 2011

When you Picnic this Monday, Don't Forget to Plan Fun Activities for the Kids

When Daddy said we was gonna

go do something fun this Memorial Day,

I was thinking ice cream and ponies

You should see the gun

that fires these suckers off

 Jeb (8) and Buddy (6) were the designated

shooters at this little longneck soiree

Oops, sorry Mom and Dad, didn't mean to
interrupt your militia meeting. Just wanted
another juice box and some blasting caps.

Ed Note:  This is a satire site and as such, I am obligated to write satire.

As much as I detest this particular style of parenting, I must balance the ludicrous with the mundane, and throw in a pinch of sensationalism. I believe I have done so here. Have a safe and happy Memorial Day.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

How to Tell if Your Neighbor Drinks Too Much

Originally Posted 6/29/09

I am sure we've all run across a neighbor or two in our lifetime that just could not say no to a drink. Every neighborhood has at least one “Otis” of Mayberry fame, who goes through life thinking everyone else is the one with the problem. If you think you might have a neighbor with a drinking problem, but you're just not that sure, here are a few signs you can look for in determining whether or not to keep your stash of favorite beer inside your house instead of in the garage refrigerator.

Signs that your neighbor may drink too much:

You’re starting to hear “hey, you got any beer?” in your sleep.

He just put in a new swimming pool, paid for entirely from proceeds of his recycled aluminum cans.

He thinks a boozehound is a breed of dog.

He filed a lawsuit against the local restaurant for discrimination for sending him a coupon for free food, that excluded alcoholic beverages.

The local beer distributor makes regular stops to his home.

One day his wife rearranged the furniture while he was out, and he thought they'd moved.

Every time you try to tell him about the 12-step program, he tells you he can’t even learn the two-step.

He borrows your rider mower, and you later see it parked at the local bar.

He quotes Homer Simpson.

The waste department sends out a special recycling truck every week just to handle his empties.

Every time someone tells him he needs to go to AA, he claims he’s not a member.

He drives a late model Schwinn.

When introducing himself, he says, “Hi, my name’s Scooter, but everyone calls me Bud.”

He’s the only guy at a picnic who can use his belly as a tray table.

He constantly brags about the money he saves “watering the bushes.”

He thinks getting ahead means pouring his beer into a glass very, very fast.

The local Mini-Mart has been re-named “Bud’s” in honor of his patronage.

And…You need a million proofs of purchase to get one Budweiser outdoor awning. He’s got 5.

So, if after reading this list you still aren’t sure if your neighbor is a tippler, sit outside on the front lawn some evening with your wife and a little cooler of beer and see how many seconds it takes for him to walk on up and ask “hey, ya got any more beer?”

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Crap, I Totally Blew Off the Day of Doom

Stefano Bonazzi

Well, I had every good intention of giving the End of the World* my undivided attention. 

Unfortunately, I had several things on my to do list that took precedence and, before I knew it, the day was upon me. Looked at my watch and it was half past midnight on the 21st of May.

Oh sure, I know I have until 6 p.m. to get something written about the world coming to an end today, but honestly, my day is pretty much packed with other stuff to do.

But I promise, if I get a few minutes later on today, I’ll throw something together because, let’s face it. The end of the world really does deserve at least a mention, don’t you think?

*Latest Chicken Little, Harold Camping from Oakland, California, predicts there will be major earthquakes today that will signal the end times. Should arrive around 6 p.m. but not sure if that is central, mountain, standard or daylight savings time, so stay on your toes people and wear your good underwear. Don’t wanna be embarrassed during the rapture. Meanwhile, I have to get to the store. We’re out of toilet paper.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

California Voters Call for Retroactive Impeachment of Schwarzenegger

Schwarzenegger Family Portrait
Millions of California voters are jumping on the bandwagon calling for the impeachment of former Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger in order to cut off his government pension they say is helping fund his multiple households.

Mildred Commoner is a 36-year old paralegal living and working in San Diego. She and her husband, Paul set up a hotline immediately after the news broke asking Californians to stand behind a bill that would be the first of its kind to impeach a former governor for offenses committed before and during his tenure.

“We’ll be damned if we are going to pay for two or maybe even more households,” said Commoner. “We did the math and realized that Mr. Schwarzenegger knew this scandal, if revealed early, would spell doom for his political aspirations and so he kept quiet for over a decade. That alone is an impeachable offense.”

Ms. Commoner went on to explain that while she can’t positively say where the money came from to keep the governor’s mistress quiet throughout his 8-year term, she is willing to bet that some of it came out of the taxpayers’ pockets.

“We need to nip this in the bud now,” said Paul Commoner, “or next thing you know, we’ll be paying for all the other illegitimate kids he’s sired along with the real estate to house them.”

When reached for comment, former Governor Schwarzenegger merely stated he cannot be impeached as he is not a natural-born citizen of the United States.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Minute Details Emerge on Schwarzenegger's Infidelity

Arnold Schwarzenegger's mid-section
not happy about recent news reports

When a hot news story hits, you can count on the mainstream media to make sure they get all the facts, and bring them to you within minutes. The story may change a few hundred times throughout the days to follow, but one thing is certain, you won’t miss a single thing as a viewer. And, you can channel surf all you want, but the story and all those dirty little details will be the same no matter if you are a Fox fan or you prefer getting a less fair and balanced account.

The breaking story on Arnold Schwarzenegger fathering an illegitimate child is no exception. The news broke on Monday, and just hours after the initial shock began to wear off, there appeared a flood of minutiae on every news channel from local to cable. To be fair, in Schwarzenegger’s case, news reporters had been working on the story for years hoping their speculation that Schwarzenegger was indeed a douchebag would someday pay off handsomely.  And it did. The only thing they didn’t have were those pesky details. Until now.

Assistant Producer Len Samuelson of MSNBC says that the minute the story broke, “We were first in line to find out who the woman was and how the governor got her pregnant. It took mere seconds before our phone lines were flooded with people calling claiming to know exactly who, where, what, why and when the actual conception took place,” he said. “It’s that way with all stories,” he added. “You’d be surprised how much information people have out there, regardless of its truthfulness.”

Samuelson then went into all the details of the now infamous liaison. “Governor Schwarzenegger had just kissed his wife good-bye (actually it was more a quick peck on the right temple and a pat on the back) as she left to do some shopping for an upcoming baby shower for one of the household staff. He then (while whistling the theme from Disney’s ‘An American Tail’) went upstairs to change from his early morning jogging pants (you know, the loose ones that don’t allow his wife to see his junk get a little engorged as he watches the downstairs maid dust the many weightlifting trophies in the couple’s trophy room). Once changed into his tight shorts (you know, the ones that do show his engorgement to the female staff at the governor’s mansion when his wife is currently out shopping for baby shower gifts), Mr. S (who wants to keep typing Schwarzenegger?) then stood for a moment in the master bedroom wondering whether he should snag the upstairs or downstairs maid this particular morning (downstairs – Guatemalan, upstairs – Mexican; each equally amply endowed, but neither particularly beautiful. In fact, the upstairs maid could be best described as more handsome than beautiful, and a bit on the chunky side to boot, probably due to her advanced age). The upstairs maid was wearing Mr. S’ favorite maid uniform this particular day, (black and white tuxedo-style unbuttoned down to the third, or maybe it was the fourth button)…

“You get the drift,” said Samuelson. “You’ll have to tune into MSNBC to get the rest of the sordid details.”

In addition to airing the smallest of details on the Governator’s sexual improprieties, the local news reporters were equally diligent in weaving the breaking story into their specialty newscasts.

Eric Laughteron, head meteorologist for the Channel 4 News Team in Sacramento began his Monday evening report with “Boy, oh boy, is there a cold front headed for Los Angeles. A frigid air mass is expected to settle over the usually sunny, warm city for at least the next several days…”

While tuning into Bruce Javelin, Action 4 Sports, got you this tidbit “…While we’re on the subject of hockey pucks…”

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Governor Scott Walker Sells State Naming Rights to Wal-Mart

Wisconsin governor, Scott Walker makes no excuses for his heavy-handed push to privatize the entire state of Wisconsin while he is head honcho. His first big move, of course, was to get rid of collective bargaining for public workers in order to set the stage for big business to come in and set up shop in the education and public works departments, making the word ‘public’ a thing of the past.

Today, Scott Walker announced that he has brokered a multi-billion dollar deal with the largest discount retailer in the United States, Wal-Mart, allowing the retail giant to re-name the State of Wisconsin ‘New Wal-Mart.’

“Lest anyone have doubts about just how serious I am about switching from a public-run state to a privatized one, the re-naming of Wisconsin today to New Wal-Mart should pretty much seal the deal,” said Walker. “Henceforth and heretofore, make no mistake about it. New Wal-Mart is just the beginning.”

Asked if the residents of Wisconsin may become confused when going out to shop in their favorite store and not knowing if they are getting beef or pork, Walker responded “no, not at all. One obviously is a dinner item and the other is a legislative process.” In fact, Walker seemed a bit irritated that he had to answer such an inane question from a reporter working at the new state-run newspaper, the ATT Times-Picayune.

Unfortunately, said one political strategist, Walker’s very move to sell the naming rights of the state to Wal-Mart will almost certainly spell the immediate doom of the newly elected governor. “What Mr. Walker failed realize is that by selling off the State of Wisconsin to private concerns, his job as a public employee is now obsolete.”

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Lady Gaga May be Getting Married or Not

From the Whogivesaflip Newsroom:

In a surprise turn of events, Lady Gaga today denied rumors that she was getting married, but hinted that she probably would get married. Those close to her say that she is contradicting herself as a way to throw off the scent of any paparazzi sniffing around.

Gaga admitted on the Graham Norton Show that she was not dating anyone because she was too busy, but further admitted that she was in a monogamous relationship with Canadian, Luc Carl, at some time. She said the relationship may even be ongoing, but she doesn’t know for sure.

“I am so busy, I don’t know which end is up,” says Gaga. “One minute I’m writing a song and the next minute, I’m singing that same song. It’s got nothing to do with love sometimes.”

Gaga told Norton that she wears a wedding dress on stage to scare away potential suitors. “God, all I need is another boyfriend,” she said. “Not that I ever had one, but if I did have one, I don’t anymore.”

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Newt Gingrich Blames Obama for Setting Marital Standards Too High

For the second time this year, Newt Gingrich has announced nationally that he is definitely considering making a run for President of the United States on the GOP ticket. He admits he has some hurdles to overcome and addressed those hurdles in a speech he gave recently at a private fundraiser in Provo, Utah.

“I am willing to admit to all of you sitting here today that I am not without sin,” Gingrich began as he tried to explain his past marital indiscretions. “Yes, I’ve cheated many times on the many women in my life, and maybe it does look bad to some.”

But Gingrich adduced that if it weren’t for a certain someone setting the bar just a tad too high for anyone of normal moral compass, let alone himself, he would be sitting a bit prettier in the hot tub of presidential hopefuls right now.

For instance, Gingrich maintains he had no choice but to use the excuse, “There’s no question at times of my life, partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, that I worked far too hard and things happened in my life that were not appropriate,” because Obama was there, all the way, mocking him with his (Obama’s) perfect fidelity track record.

Believe me,” Gingrich complained, “I’ve spent some serious money trying to get the goods on Barack Obama but unfortunately, he’s the real deal when it comes to marital fidelity, and that just doesn’t bode well for me overall.”

Gingrich went on to say that the other major hurdle he faces in running against Obama is the money thing. “I don’t know how that man does it, but he can get common, ordinary working-class people to dig deep into their pockets for him,” said Gingrich. “Me, I have to depend on the folks at the top, and getting them to turn loose of a buck isn’t the easiest thing to do."

Gingrich claims this alone has required him to do things he’s not particularly proud of, referring back to the first part of his speech.

The only thing Gingrich says he may have going for him [thank the Lord] is his third wife, Callista, who got him to convert to Catholicism. “From what I’ve witnessed so far, those Catholics don’t mess around when it comes to infidelity—at least between a man and a woman, he joked--which is what I desperately need to keep me on the straight and narrow for the next couple of years until I get this ‘President’ thing out of my system.”

“Plus,” he said, “with all the talk running the rumor mills that Obama is a Muslim,” said Gingrich, “a good old-fashioned religious man persona may be just the ticket to getting me elected.”

Still, Gingrich claims he’s up for the challenge and, off the record, told the group that he just hopes his “lust for life” doesn’t derail him yet another time.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Almost 20 Tons of Unwanted Drugs Turned in to DEA

For a second year, the DEA has organized a drug take-back initiative event at 6 sites throughout New England to collect unused prescription medications from those residents who no longer want or need them.

Unfortunately, just like last year, the prescription medications showing up at the collection sites are just harmless, out-of-date, non-narcotic formulas, dropped off by concerned senior citizens happy to help their government out.

Myrtle Jenkins, 86, of Providence, Rhode Island showed up to one site with a whole bag of prescription-strength anti-diarrheal, eye wash, and skin rash products, some dating all the way back to 1997. “Now that I have Medicare,” she said, “I can afford the good stuff. You know, the stuff that makes you feel a little funny. This crap doesn’t do a thing for me.”

Several others who showed up had the same comments. Seniors from all over were giving up their crap and bragging that the good stuff is still locked up in their medicine cabinets.

One DEA agent confirmed that indeed, all the surrendered drugs weren’t worth a dime and he wasn’t really sure who came up with the whole drug take-back initiative. “Guns, yeah, I can see. They’re dangerous and we need to get them off the streets. But prescription-strength, 10-year old calamine lotion with a mild analgesic? Christ, I could be back home watching the Red Sox right now getting hammered and have more fun than this.”

Officer Stan “Woody” Perkins agreed. “We got all excited when a little guy came up to us with a bag full of what looked to be little blue pills. We thought we’d hit the mother lode,” said Perkins. When we inspected further, however, it just turned out to be a bagful of out-dated, generic beta blockers.” Perkins says that’s when they decided to pack it in and call it a day. “Who needs this crap?” he said.

When reminded that the whole idea behind drug take-back initiatives was the safe disposal of unwanted drugs, Perkins said he understood, but at the same time said the whole program, in his mind, was a waste of taxpayers’ money.

Asked what the law enforcement officers did with all the pills they collected in this last round up, Perkins said that he and another officer drew the short straws and they got “dumping duty,” meaning they had to collect all the bags and make a run to the local landfill. “So much for helping out Ma Nature,” he said, “unless she’s got a bad case of the runs.”

Perkins says the worst part of all of this is that he volunteered for the job. “You better believe I’m gonna ask for my old job back after this. When asked what that was, Perkins answered “I went on search and destroy missions to various large pot farms. The worst part about that job was not having enough doughnuts and coffee for everyone once we lit that bonfire.”

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Bumper Crop of Medical Marijuana Expected in White House Garden

Thanks to a wet and mild spring in the nation’s capital this year, a bumper crop of medical marijuana is expected in the White House garden. Tommy Chong, chief Japanese gardener, (no relation to that other Tommy Chong) claims the plants have started taking over the entire garden.

“This is the first year we decided to grow cannabis in the herb section of the garden,” says Chong “and it’s taking over the place. We’ve got some plants reaching the 2-foot height already and this is only May. We tried cutting the plants back to allow the other herbs to grow, but it just seems to create a stronger plant. The damn things are like those Tribbles in Star Trek. You can’t get rid of them.”

Chong added, half jokingly, “I suspect one of the gardening interns has been sneaking extra plant food to the pot plants to make sure they live long and prosper.”

News of an over-abundant crop of marijuana coming out of the White House garden has already created quite a buzz in medical marijuana circles around the country. Requests are pouring in from dozens of dispensaries inquiring what the White House intends to do with all that pot and offering to take the majority of it off their hands.

Bud Wilkins, who runs the Acme Collective in Sacramento, California, says that as soon as he heard there would be a bumper crop of Maui Waui ready for cultivation later this summer, he jumped on the horn to the White House spokesperson in charge of the project asking for a hand out.

“I remember reading somewhere that the White House issued a statement earlier in the year saying that the pot would not be distributed to local dispensaries. That damn near brought tears to my eyes,” said Wilkins. “I figured since we’re not local, I had to give it a shot.”

Several groups from California, Colorado and Oregon have put in bids as well to try and get some of the primo pot to hand out to their patients. Mary Bridges, official spokesperson for the pet pot project at the White House says she sees no reason why the bumper crop shouldn’t be distributed to those in need of it. “Now all we have to do is sell the President on the idea,” she said.

Bridges surmised that it wouldn’t be much of a problem at all convincing the President and First Lady to distribute the pot to those who need it the most. “After all,” she said, “he has pretty much proven he’ll do just about anything to make sure Americans get the best of everything when it comes to health care.”

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Obama Not Reading Book Upside Down When Bin Laden Killed

It has already started, the “What were you doing when you heard the news that Osama bin Laden was killed?” Most of us were getting ready for bed or already there on a Sunday evening when the news broke. Not much else to remember, just that as soon as we heard, we couldn’t turn off the television.

Same thing with the bombing of the twin towers on 9/11. Almost. Yes, to this day, we ask each other “Do you remember where you were or what you were doing when the twin towers were destroyed?” What sticks in my mind more than anything is the vision of watching then President George W. Bush sitting in front of a group of young children, reading to them from a book that just happened to be upside down. At that moment I knew that George W. Bush knew before any of us exactly what was going down.

I was working in Bradenton, Florida, just about 5 miles up the road from the very school in Sarasota, Florida where our President was when the towers came under attack. I watched the horror unfold on the televisions set up in the game room of the company I worked for while simultaneously looking out the door of the building and up into the sky to watch as Air Force One took off, scurrying our President presumably back toward the nation’s capital, but now knowing he probably wouldn’t be brought there until the danger had passed.

That was almost ten years ago and none of it has blurred. What I remember most, besides the vision of the planes flying into the side of those towers, is that upside down book and the look on George W. Bush’s face. I can’t remember seeing surprise, which actually surprised me and, to this day, still does. There was no reaction whatsoever, just a limp book in his hands as he seemed to be listening to someone telling him something. I remember imagining someone saying to him “Ok, now George, put the book down, get up slowly, and don’t let on that anything is amiss,” or something to that effect.

And then this past Sunday, my first knowledge of the news that Osama bin Laden had been killed came by reading the news online. I immediately turned on the television and the oddest thing came to mind. I’d lay odds President Barack Obama was not reading a book upside down when the deal went down.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Kate Gosselin Prefers Camping Down Under to Palin’s Alaska

It took mere seconds into the filming of a camping trip in Australia for Kate Gosselin of Kate Plus 8 to make it quite clear that the outdoors she and the kiddies experienced in Australia was far superior and way more enjoyable than that introduced to them in Alaska as guests of Sarah Palin.

“Finally,” said Gosselin after climbing out of her spacious tent in the Outback, “I can show the world that I’m not a sniveling, whining princess who can’t survive in the wilderness.” The fact that she had her own toilet tent, something other than leaves to wipe herself, and her own personal entourage of make-up artists and hair stylists tagging along, didn’t hurt. Not to mention, the only bears she needed to fear in this environment were cuddly koalas.

What Gosselin didn’t bring up was the fact that when told she’d be going on another camping trip with the kids, she threw a royal fit and threatened to quit the show, something she does quite regularly no matter the destination, save perhaps Hawaii. This time though, she claimed it was justified. “You ever sat around a campfire chewing on masticated whale blubber and having to act all friendly like with a woman whose voice makes you want to throw yourself off an ice floe?”

However, as always, she was reminded that the show pays for her lifestyle, and with that, she begrudgingly picked up her Gucci backpack and stomped toward the limo waiting to whisk her and her offspring to the outback in style, stopping only once to get in a quick tanning session in anticipation of making it to the beach after a few days of roughing it.

Reporters caught up with Sarah Palin to ask her what she thought about Kate’s adventures camping in Australia. “Sure, who wouldn’t love 80 degree sunny weather with hunky outback guys carrying your 18-piece Gucci luggage all over the place for you?” then said, “Now excuse me. I have work to do. This bear isn’t gonna skin itself.”