Enclave of Rich White Folk Claim They are Last True Americans

A small group of rich, white people calling themselves TruMericans have begun work on a 100-acre piece of property in the heart of heartland, America, to turn it into their very own enclave where they can all practice shared values without outside, i.e. illegal alien, and/or governmental interference. The group makes the lofty claim that they are now the only true Americans in America. They have even gone so far as to trademark the name TruMerica.

Notwithstanding the Indians, whom some members acknowledge they aren't really sure if they (the Indians) are even American or human for that matter, TruMericans believe they have searched enough 2010 U.S. Census data to validate their claim.

"The only names you will find among us," said John Smith, "are Smith, Miller, and Johnson."

Members had to face a stringent genome testing program to determine if they had even a drop of anything other than white in them. When told that everyone, even the whitest of white folk, can be directly linked back to a black woman, they had the testing agent banned from ever releasing this information to the public. Somehow, it slipped out. But that little anomaly is not going to make the rich, white folks abandon a dream they have been planning for over two years, when they first believed with every fiber of their being that the Apocalypse was going to happen on 12/21/12.

According to Smith, when the end didn't come, the group decided that as much as they were hoping to be a part of Armageddon, the best they could do is hole up on some podunk little piece of property and call it an enclave.

Ironically, the only other people allowed to live on TruAmerica soil are a handful of Mexican migrant workers and a few Japanese gardeners.

"We had to find a way to sustain ourselves, and we naturally looked toward the cheapest and most effective way to do that. Mexicans were the obvious choice, especially undocumented ones. They plant a mean crop. In addition, they won't run, they won't tell, they don't want to get deported. End of story," said the self-proclaimed leader of the clan, David Miller.

As for the gardeners, Miller was incredulous that we would even ask such a question.

"The Japanese are known for their gardening skills, and this enclave will have its share of mansions. Imagine what the place would look like if we were left to fend for ourselves."

Smith admitted there are a few kinks to work out and it may involve letting a few more non-white, non-Americans into the mix, but they claim to have a strict policy of no enclave members fraternizing with "the help."

"They (the help) know their place, and they know we are heavily armed with the finest ammo money can buy. I don't think they are going anyplace," he said with a wily grin.

And the kinks?

"Well, let's just say that we have 21st Century technology at our fingertips, and some of us might even know how to change the oil in our personal vehicles, but so far, none of us have the know-how to keep a vintage Army High-Speed Artillery Tractor running."

While they are merely rumors at this point, some speculate that TruMerica is the brainchild of former Vice President, Dick Cheney. However, that simply cannot be the case due to the fact that his last name is a disqualifier for him or his family joining the group. But who knows? He could have secretly changed his name to any of the surnames stated above. The most appropriate would be Dick Johnson.

We'll keep you posted.

Poll Results Indicate Dick Cheney More Evil than Vlad the Impaler

A recent poll asked participants to name who they thought was the most evil person in history. The results, while not entirely surprising, did say a lot about just how unlikeable Dick Cheney has become over the years.

What was surprising to some was the fact that Cheney didn’t top the list at number one, but that could be due to the fact that some of the participants were actually Republicans.

The results showed that Adolph Hitler was regarded as the number one most evil man in history, while Ghengis Khan came in at number 10. The results show two people not making it onto the top ten list but who, nevertheless, gave a bit of a surprise as runners up.

Number 13 was Hanibal Lecter, and number 15 was “that dance instructor who yells at the little girls on that reality show Dance Moms,” leading pollsters to believe that the group they were polling had difficulty separating fact from fantasy.

The complete results are as follows:

1.    Adolph Hitler

2.    Jeffrey Dahmer

3.    Caligula

4.    Queen Mary I, aka Queen Bloody Mary

5.    Ivan the Terrible

6.    Dick Cheney

7.    Vlad the Impaler

8.    Attila the Hun

9.    Idi Amin

10.  Ghengis Khan

It is interesting to note that only one woman, Queen Bloody Mary, made it onto the top ten list, and is the only evil person to have an alcoholic beverage named after them. (Harvey Wallbanger was annoying, but he definitely was not evil).

Also interesting to note is that three of the top ten men on the list are identified not by first and last names but by first names followed by “the” and whatever they were, i.e. terrible (kisser? aim? what?), an impaler, and a Hun. This leads us to wonder if that were the norm for calling evil people by what they were, wouldn’t Cheney be better known as Dick the Dick?

Karl Rove Secret Plan to Replace Mitt Romney with Jeb Bush

Karl Rove is tired of playing nice guy. In fact, those closest to him know that he reached his limit with Mitt Romney long before Romney was even declared the winner in the Republican primaries. While some folks thought Rove would simply suck it up and get behind the guy who is his party’s candidate, that just isn’t happening.

Spurred on by Dick Cheney, Rove has come up with a plan that will not only unseat Romney as the top Republican candidate at the Republican Convention in late August, but will most likely ensure Jeb Bush’s success at the polls in November.

“It’s a little thing I like to call “write-in votes,” said Rove at a recent meeting of extremely old and influential (up until now) Neo-Conservatives who have one purpose in mind—making sure Barack Obama doesn’t win a second term.

“We can’t do it with a dunderhead like Mitt Romney,” said Rove. “He’s beginning to make Sarah Palin look like a Rhodes Scholar.”

Rove told the crowd his ingenious plan. “Fortunately, Dick [Cheney] and I had the foresight to see this coming and began the process of filing the necessary paperwork in states that will allow it, to get our guy, Jeb Bush, on the ballots as a write-in candidate.”

Rove claims to not only have gotten all the paperwork squared away, but has already lined up the necessary electors in those state to assure a Bush victory.

“Is it the way we’d have liked to see Jeb Bush get on the ticket? No, of course not,” said Rove, “But the truth is, we don’t have the money to fight the Sheldon Adelsons and Koch Brothers, who don’t really share our views on world dominance, so we have to beat their money with strategic thinking,” he said.

“In the end, it really does come down to one thing…war.”

Dick Cheney’s Duels Not Debates Suggestion Wows NRA

Official Dueling Pistols of the 2012 Presidential Campaign

Just when you thought Dick Cheney couldn’t top himself for thinking way out of the box, he comes up with another great idea, at least in the eyes of the NRA.

On a weekend news show, Cheney announced his latest plan to make the 2012 Presidential campaign something to write home about.

“It’s called Duels not Debates,” said Cheney, “and basically it is exactly what it sounds like. Let’s get Mitt and Barack out there someplace, preferably a western location, and have ourselves an old-fashioned duel.”

Cheney poo-poohed the idea that a duel was a bit too dangerous, possibly ending in disaster for at least one of the candidates.

“Really? What about Andrew Jackson? He participated in a duel with Charles Dickinson in 1806 and ended up becoming the only President to kill a man in a duel. Oh wait, bad example,” he said with a wry smile. “Let me give you a better example.”

Cheney then went on to cite other instances where duels solved political arguments without either party suffering serious injury. Cheney claims that while dueling is an extreme form of settling issues, it is quite an effective method of spurring on agreement quicker than any debate can.

“Ask any real American what he would prefer, and I can guarantee, hands down, he’ll choose a duel over a debate any day,” said Cheney, who bases his opinion on an informal poll he took at a recent gun show in Roanoke, Virginia. He claims the men he asked gave an overwhelmingly “thumbs-up” sign to the duel.

“Back in the days when men were men, duels were the preferred method of settling political debates, so why shouldn’t we at least consider this as an option in this year’s election?”

“Uh, because someone might get killed?” asked the interviewer.

“Look,” replied Cheney, “You give me and Ted Nugent just one weekend alone in the woods with Mitt Romney, and I guarantee we’ll have us a Presidential winner, and all Obama will lose is maybe a bit of pride.”

Cheney Autobiography ‘Mein Kampf II’ Flies off Bookstore Shelves

Contributed by RFreed

Dick Cheney has finally completed his long awaited autobiography 'Mein Kampf II.' Eager fans of fascism have been gnawing their own limbs off and those of Barnes And Noble staff waiting for it to come out.

In the new book, Cheney describes in excruciating detail his steady rise to unlimited power along the well-worn trails of American power mongering. An excerpt from his early years is: "It took every bit of my creative talent and nerve to get out of the draft and not be sent over to Vietnam. It was sheer hell! No man should ever have to go through that. And I had to dodge it five times!"

Despite this ordeal, Cheney proved his mettle by going on to become the Secretary Of Defense, the head of the U.S. military responsible for sending thousands of other Americans off to fight. But no price was too much to keep the oil flowing and thereby his moolah as well.

Before launching into his political career, Cheney describes the difficulties of raising children, albeit daughters, in our modern world. "I screwed a whole nation, but ended up with only daughters,” says Cheney. “Thankfully, whether I want to admit it or not, one of those daughters had the audacity to buck societal trends and give her dear old dad the son he never had.”

On the hardships of learning the political craft, Cheney says, "Nixon was an expert at the underhanded move, the political side-swipe. Unfortunately he was a lousy teacher, and I had to learn a lot of it on my own. Much of his lore will be lost forever due to that lack of talent."

And, on the difficulties of holding office, he writes "It is so demanding having to be Vice-President and a day-care attendant at the same time. I barely had enough time in a day to set up my Haliburton contracts. I lost a majority of my cut having to wet nurse Georgy W all the damn time."

Cheney goes on to write about the teddy bear qualities that endeared him to the hearts and minds of so many. "I personally delivered the keys to the jet bombers we brought over covertly to Al-Babra for the coup to set up his country as one friendly to ours. I will never forget the tears of gratitude that stained his cheeks, or the cool 30 million that ended up making from it."

Lastly, he writes of his regrets about helping to start the Iraqi war that took so many lives on both sides, "Man, I only made 15 million from the whole scheme! To my way of thinking, we could have made so much more just destroying and rebuilding Iraq’s infrastructure alone. It was a total waste of my talents."

Herman Cain Story Most Readers Would Like to Read

With all the stories circulating about Herman Cain’s past sexual harassment charges, it seems everyone is jumping on the bandwagon to either assist him in proving or disproving the stories. While Cain sits high upon the fence, not yet ready to admit to any wrongdoing, speculators are coming up with some even wilder stories to make sure Cain doesn’t leave the political spotlight anytime soon. Here are some stories readers say they would pay good money to read:

Skeletons in Herman Cain’s Closet Have Boobs

Clarence Thomas Tells Herman Cain to Keep Hands off His Wife

Rick Perry Tells Herman Cain to Keep Hands off His Wife

Herman Cain Claims Black Hat is Source of All his Recent Troubles, Trades it in For White Hat

Herman Cain Takes Credit for Making Three Black Women Wealthier than When They First Met Him

Al Gore Tells Herman Cain to Stay Away from the Massage Table

Bill Clinton Tells Herman Cain to Stay Away from Cigars

John Edwards Tells Herman Cain to Lay Low, Preferably Under a Blonde

Herman Cain Claims Sex Had Nothing to do With His Sexually Harassing Those Women

Rumors Regarding Cain’s Viagra Usage Started by Georgia Pharmacist Turn Out to be False. Cain Only Admits to Using Enzyte.

Herman Cain Says Invite to lunch with Karl Rove and Dick Cheney Must Have Gotten Lost in the Mail

While none of the stories have been corroborated, it is fair to say that at least half or more of them will be given to research assistants in the next few days to determine if any have merit. Meanwhile, this writer would be glad to develop any one of the stories if asked.

Dick Cheney Goes After Santa Claus Next

Dick Cheney claims his new book In My Time is accomplishing exactly what he set out to accomplish, shattering dreams of an idyllic America and pissing people off. “This is a war zone people, and the sooner you get it into your thick heads, the better,” said Cheney at a recent book signing at the local Army Navy Surplus Store in downtown Des Moines, Iowa.

Cheney has received quite a bit of criticism lately from people in his book such as Condoleezza Rice and Gen. Colin Powell for what they consider outright lies about his tenure as Vice President of the United States.

Dressed in fatigues and looking quite a bit more robust than in recent memory, Cheney gave the small crowd gathered a dressing down for not understanding the importance of killing everyone in our path who does not adhere to our strict democratic doctrines.

“We’ve become a nation of ‘givers,’” said Cheney. “Don’t you know that the more you give, the more you create a dependency on yourself?” Cheney said Santa Claus was a good example of a bad example in this regard.

“I don’t know who came up with the idea of some stranger breaking into our homes and leaving stuff behind for kids without them having to work for it, but whoever it was is an idiot,” he proclaimed. “My kids didn’t get Christmas presents and neither do my grandkids. Instead, I wake them up on Christmas morning and make them watch war movies for 12 hours,” said Cheney. “Just ask my grandkids and they can recite the lines from any one of Charlton Heston’s films. Now that guy is a hero and he doesn’t need a belly like a bowlful of jelly to get my respect.”

District Judge Blocks President’s Moratorium on Oil Drilling after Hunting Invite from Cheney

Federal District Judge Martin Feldman took immediate measures to block the 6-month moratorium President Obama placed on new deepwater drilling projects due to the ongoing disaster in the Gulf of Mexico. Most people were curious as to why this Judge would make such a ruling in light of the testimony thus far from workers on the Horizon oil platform that indicate that BP didn’t take proper measures to ensure the safety of its workers.

Most people would agree that until the details of this accident are sorted out, it would be wise to not start up any more drills along America’s coasts. So why would Judge Feldman make such a ruling?

Telephone records from the Judge’s office indicate several phone calls from former Vice President Dick Cheney, as well as a hand-engraved invitation to go quail hunting in Texas within the next couple of weeks. Said Feldman’s Judicial Assistant, “Judge Feldman really likes to go quail hunting, but he knows as well as anyone, when you get an invitation to go quail hunting with Dick Cheney, it’s not really about bagging quail.”

Dick Cheney Has Oil on Hands in Oil Spill Mess

“Oh what an oily mess we make when kickbacks from Halliburton we do take,” should have screamed the headlines in this morning’s newspapers across the land. But alas, it was not to be. Instead, the only media outlets to pick up on the story of Halliburton’s very real involvement in the construction, and ultimate destruction, of the oil platform owned by British Petroleum were the liberal news outlets. And we know what that means…liberals are always looking for a way to bring down Dick Cheney.

“It’s old news,” claimed Cheney himself as he stepped out on his lawn to shoo liberal reporters away who had gathered overnight outside his home—a home they say that was partially paid for by big oil.

One reporter, bold enough to get within spitting distance of Cheney asked “is it true, Mr. Cheney that just before taking office as Vice President of the United States, you were the CEO of Halliburton and upon leaving them were given a $34 million dollar severance package, along with almost that much more in stock options?”

Cheney just waved his arm in a sweeping motion inviting the camera crews to pan his home and smiled.

Another reporter took his cue, “and is it not true, Mr. Cheney that once in office, you held private meetings with oil executives at the White House without allowing the press inside those meetings?”

Still smiling, Cheney called for his maid to bring him his morning coffee, but making it painfully obvious that he was in no mood to offer coffee to his inquisitors.

“And, sir,” the reporter continued, “did you not, upon taking power in office, appoint former Halliburton associates to regulatory positions overseeing the oil industry standards which ultimately led to their recommendations that the oil companies were not required to install certain switches which would have most likely prevented the massive explosion in the present case but were deemed too costly?”

Cheney thought for a moment, and smiled.

And finally, Cheney was asked, “isn’t it true sir that finally, after all these years of trying to catch you red-handed with the necessary facts to bring you up on charges of crimes committed while you held the office of Vice President, you aren’t just a tad frightened by the liberal press standing before you today?”

Cheney, seemingly unfazed and even a bit charming in front of the cameras, smiled to the reporters and simply said “Hey guys, and gals, I’m going hunting this afternoon and I’d love for you all to come along as my guests.”

Bush/Cheney 2012 – The Next Generation

Dick Cheney is said to be planning a not-so-surprise comeback for the 2012 presidential election and he’s doing it this time vicariously through his daughter, Liz Cheney. Due to his dissatisfaction with the way the conservative party has so far been running (or not running) things, Cheney has again decided that the only way to get things back on track is to re-infuse some pure Cheney/Bush blood into the race.

Although Dick feels that he and George W. Bush were perhaps the most ideally paired Presidential team since, well, ever, and there will never be another like them, which we certainly can’t argue with; and, as much as he would like to take the reins himself, he’s just not that sure about his health and that is ultimately what is keeping him from running.

Yes, the die-hard, irrepressible Mr. Cheney has a new plan of action that he’s working on worming into the Republican psyche little by little. We’re talking about the plan to offer up his daughter, Liz Cheney, to run as Vice President to Jeb Bush’s run for President. Can’t you just feel that Dick genius starting to move the masses again?

While Dick is trotting Liz Cheney out to every conservative gathering hosted by everyone from the NRA to the Republican Party itself, Daddy George H.W. Bush, at Dick’s command, is pushing Jeb onto the cable news shows with a full schedule of the old fake-out “no, nope, I’m not running,” so that when the time comes, conservatives everywhere will be begging him to run.

There may be a couple of things that could nip this pairing in the bud before it even happens, though. Word has it that Jeb and Liz aren’t that fond of one other ever since they got in each other’s face way back when at a Kennebunkport gathering, when Jeb, quite a bit older than Liz, told her to “quit following me around like a puppy dog.” “Since then, they find it difficult to be in the same room together, let alone even consider a presidential pairing,” claims an unidentified source.

So how, then, do Dick and H.W. plan on pulling off this shotgun presidential campaign? Some say Dick has his ways. “He’s not above torture, if that’s what it takes to make those kids see how important this is for the country,” said the same source, wishing with all his heart not to be identified.

While he may not sink so low as to waterboard his own daughter, which she would totally approve of, by the way, he could threaten her and Jeb by other means. Suffice it to say, he has the mindset and the wherewithal to get the job done.

Liz Cheney Calls Rachel Maddow “Hot”

This week the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) got underway in Washington, DC and there were no real surprises in front of the cameras, save for that magical moment when Dick Cheney appeared out of nowhere to chants of “Run, Dick, Run.”

But behind the cameras, there was pawlenty going on. MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow was on hand to cover the conference and word has it that when she and Liz Cheney were introduced outside the hotel they were both staying in, they unexpectedly embraced for what some say was more than just a polite “how do you do.”

After Maddow and friends moved on, Cheney was rumored to have said “Wow, that Rachel Maddow is really hot in person. If I were my sister, I may not have been able to control myself.” Liz, of course, was speaking about her sister, Mary, who is openly gay.

When told about Cheney’s comment, Maddow reportedly replied, “wow, really? Liz? Liz Cheney? Gosh, I don’t know whether to be flattered by that or extremely repulsed.”

Toilet Paper Nation (TPN)--Youngest Grassroots Party to Take on Washington

Butte, MT – A new right-wing fringe political party calling itself the Toilet Paper Nation or (TPN) is the latest and youngest grassroots movement to go after what they believe is a Washington that is out of touch with the youth of America.  The party, made up of mostly high school sophomores, has a simple message for Washington’s business as usual, “Washington, Sh*t or Get off the Pot.”

2003 Photo of Cheney May Explain Plame ID Outing

Since 2003, many groups have claimed that Dick Cheney was the person at the forefront of leaking the name of CIA agent Valerie Plame to the media, thereby blowing her cover and forcing her to end a long and successful career with the CIA. Although Cheney denies this claim, a recently surfaced photo may explain Cheney’s inability to recall certain events leading up to the outing of Plame’s name.

The FBI interviewed Cheney in 2004 regarding his involvement in the matter. After filing a lawsuit to get the FBI interview summary released, the watchdog group, Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington, has finally received a copy of the summary in which it is revealed that Cheney’s memory was sketchy, at best, on whether he discussed Valerie Plame with his Chief of Staff, Scooter Libby, who ultimately was charged with leaking Plame’s name to political columnist, Robert Novak. Cheney could also not remember whether or not he discussed Plame or her husband, Joe Wilson, with Bush.

A recent photo of Cheney, Circa 2003, has surfaced showing Cheney wearing mismatched shoes. According to Dr. Leu Singha Grip, an expert in the study of dementia in senior citizens, this quite possibly could indicate that Cheney is suffering from early onset dementia which may be affecting his memory. Dr. Grip believes that Cheney may very well believe he was telling the truth when he said he did not recall if he told Libby about Wilson’s wife and her employment at the CIA.

Although, in reality, during Libby’s criminal trial, evidence was submitted that showed Cheney did tell Libby about Wilson’s wife in 2003; the fact that Cheney could say one thing one day and turn around and say something completely opposite another day is a pretty clear sign that some form of memory loss may exist.

Cheney’s wife, Lynn, confirmed the fact that Cheney’s memory has been slipping for the past decade. “Yes, it’s become a real problem in the Cheney household,” she said. That mismatched shoe photo is just the tip of the iceberg. It started simply enough with him forgetting where he put the keys to the car, to not remembering to pick up eggs and butter from the grocery store on his way home from the Oval office. But it has gotten progressively worse.

“Especially in the bedroom, while holding me at night” Lynn continued, “he sometimes calls me by another woman’s name. It's getting to be so common that we just laugh when he calls me ‘Destiny’ or ‘Roxy’.

She said that it happens most though when Dick is reading the newspaper in the morning over coffee and starts a sentence and then just forgets what he was going to say. “We call them brain farts and these days, Dick is having lots of brain farts.” She said smiling. “It’s just a part of getting old, I guess.”

Dr. Grip agrees that Cheney's brain farts could explain a lot.