Donald Trump's "Thin Skin" Disorder May Lead to His Undoing

In 2012, we reported that Donald Trump had been advised by his physician, Dr. Harvey Finkelstein, that he should discontinue his bid for the White House due to a rare skin condition he developed after a severe roasting at the White House Correspondents' Dinner. The doctor diagnosed the Donald with dermatitis deletus, or thin skin to the layman, and ordered Trump to undergo therapy in the form of attendance at various late night shows to help him develop a thicker skin.

The treatments seemed to work together with the fact that Trump went through three years of no election stimulus to provoke further thin skin attacks, and the fact that Jon Stewart left the Daily Show, thereby lessening the brutally funny daily attacks on Trump's character.

Fast forward to today, election year 2016, and Trump is back on the campaign trail against doctor's orders. Dr. Finkelstein predicts that not only will Trump's skin condition worsen, but it could very well lead him to again pull out of the race for the Presidency prematurely, if he doesn't explode first.

When asked about the doctor's statement, Trump stated defiantly "I have never done anything prematurely, if you know what I mean. There is no problem whatsoever in that department."

Dr. Finkelstein has taken to the airwaves to warn backers of Trump that they may be throwing good money after bad.

"Look, here is what we are dealing with," said the good doctor. "We have a man who has suffered for years with various rare maladies befalling the rich, none of which has caused him more anguish than that of having very thin skin. If this condition is not treated properly through more intensive types of therapy, both physical and mental, there could be grave consequences not only for Mr. Trump but more importantly for the people who work for him."

Asked to elaborate, Dr. Finkelstein issued a dire prediction, "He could literally explode," he said. "If he doesn't get the help he needs immediately, and if he does not pull out of the race again, I cannot be responsible for the bloodbath that could occur at any moment at the next Trump rally."

 When asked if the doctor meant a bloodbath due to rioting, he responded, "No, the rioting is a given. I am talking about Donald Trump's veins literally popping all over the place. One vein popping and ruining one of his $10,000 suits could easily cause a chain reaction," he said.

People close to Donald Trump agree. According to his make-up artist, the budget for pancake makeup and spray tans has gone up considerably in the past several months due to the need to cover up the veins that have begun popping out of the Donald's head.

"Just last week, I was dismissed by Mr. Trump for taking too long to powder his temples," said Destiny Parker, a former employee of the Donald Trump entourage.

"In my honest opinion, the only thing keeping the veins in Mr. Trump's head from exploding is the secret weapon we in the industry refer to as 'super glue for the skin.' Without that, I fear Mr. Trump's head is a ticking time bomb."

Will these dire warnings from the professionals closest to the presidential hopeful persuade the Donald to drop out of yet another race--one that he seems to be winning against all odds? We shall have to see.

People close to Donald Trump tell us that while he is concerned about the possibility of his body parts exploding in front of thousands of supporters, that will not quench his desire for the ultimate power trip of being the most important man in the world--in real life, not just according to Time Magazine.

God Bless You Protocol Gains Steam in Republican Senate

In case you haven't heard, the Republican members of the 114th U.S. Congress are on a mission to (1) finally take down Obamacare, and (2) make this the session of Congress the most God-fearing session in history.

Damned be hell on the big issues that are plaguing our country such as immigration reform, getting the unemployed back to work, affordable housing, and fixing our ailing infrastructure, the Republicans are focused on the minutia that some say keeps them up at night.

Take, for instance, the fact that now more than 3/4 of our population do not say God Bless you when they hear someone sneeze (yes, look it up, the research exists).

At least for two Senate members, i.e. Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) and Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC), this issue has been at the forefront of their agendas, and say that now that they have the support of a majority of their fellow Senators, it is time to take action.

That is why Sens. Cruz and Graham have joined forces and called on Congress to issue a mandate that would require all members of the House and Senate to make it their number one priority to say God Bless you every time they hear one of their fellow Congressmen sneeze.

"This has been eating at me for quite some time," said Sen. Graham at a recent fundraiser for the Republican Party.

"Just recently, I got the flu and was sneezing my fool head off, and do you know that only a handful of my colleagues took the time to stop what they were doing, you know, hand shaking, penning important legislation to get President Obama booted from the White House, things like that, to even say a simple blessing over my sneezes? I was appalled," said the now-healthy (thank the Lord) Senator.

"And that's just the Republicans...forget about the Democrats," he said.

Graham and Cruz say they now have enough votes to get the measure passed as official protocol for every sneeze that occurs within the two chambers of Congress.

"It is an idea whose time has come," said Sen. Cruz, on his way to a luncheon to support saving the blackstrap molasses refining process which he says is under attack by the (in his words) "environmental nuts" running around trying to take blackstrap molasses out of the making of his favorite ginger snap cookies.

If passed, the protocol would mean that every member of Congress who is Christian would be required to issue a "God Bless you" in rapid response to anyone sneezing within earshot.

"It's the least we can do for our fellow Congressmen," said Graham.

"Lord knows that's just one more important issue we can put behind us to get us ready to fight the big battles raging in front of us."

Asked what he thought were some other important issues that should be addressed by this Congress, he thought for a moment, and then replied, "Well, for one, I'd like to see the bathroom stalls retrofitted with multi-media plug in receptors for our cell phones and iPads.

"Those long lunches can play havoc on ones internal functions, and well, it would be nice to know that if my iPhone loses power while I'm in there, I can plug it in, and keep going (talking on the phone, that is)," he said sheepishly.

Ted Cruz, in the meantime, said he is working on other pressing issues as well such as making sure there are enough limos to go around when a big luncheon is planned at an off-site location.

"I, for one, am pretty darned tired of having to show up at an important fundraiser in a common taxi just because my assistant was a little slow on the draw in getting me an acceptable limo in time to ferry me to the event," he said.

Cruz's idea would ensure that more than ten new limousine companies are added to the already burgeoning number of companies licensed to do business in and around the Washington, D.C. area.

For the time being, just knowing that if they, or any of their colleagues, Christian or not, gets a cold or suffers from seasonal allergies are being blessed when sneezing, it will be one less issue ticked off the Senators' important things-to-do lists.

"Oh, and one last thing," said Ted Cruz.

"President Obama, we are watching you, and we expect no less than 3 to 5 direct professions of love for this country in your next major political speech, or so help me God, we are going to make Rudy Giuliani our next Presidential nominee."

Nightmares Prompt Kim Jong-un to Take Up Zumba

Apparently, fear of his dead father is resurfacing in a big way and has been keeping N. Korean supreme leader Kim Jong-un up nights for well over a year now. The leader is said to be suffering from an ongoing bout of the vapors, leaving him feeling puny and out of sorts.

A recurring nightmare finds the North Korean leader face-to-face with his not-so-dead father who is taking the pudgy little tyrant to task for not being such a tyrant after all. It has been reported that Un wakes up every night drenched in sweat and screaming "I hate you, I'm sorry, I hate you, I'm sorry..." in rapid succession until his wife slaps him awake.

The nightmares are leaving the rotund leader unable to keep up with the propaganda machine he inherited from his father. Even taking the nickname Beloved Leader has not convinced him or his countrymen that he is, in fact, beloved or a leader.

Many speculate that the nightmares are directly linked to the controversy surrounding the Seth Rogen/James Franco satirical movie The Interview, the premise of which is an assassination plot on Un's life. However, sources close to Un claim that simply isn't true.

"At the rate these nightmares are coming, the supreme leader actually would welcome death over having to explain himself to his father one more night," claim sources close to Un.

In fact, what really seems to trouble the leader is his feelings of inadequacy for not being able to measure up (physically and mentally) to the titles bestowed upon him, all of which intimate a deity-like presence.

"I cannot step into God's shoes as easily as my father, Glorious General, Who Descended from Heaven," Un is claimed to have revealed just moments before having his uncle executed for his (said uncle's) inability to resemble anything remotely god-like, causing much embarrassment during one of North Korea's most holiest holidays, Missile Launching Day.

Hoping to come close to that title, Un was advised by his personal physician to purchase a Chinese knockoff version of a Zumba tape in hopes that practicing a full hour of Zumba, or Kim-Ba as it is now known in North Korea, every night before going to bed may boost the dejected leader's ego to one that may eventually rival that of his dead father.

Asked how this might be accomplished, the doctor could only surmise that, if done properly, Kim-Ba would calm Un, in addition to helping him lose weight, which, in turn, may possibly earn him the respect of his father during the aforementioned dreams, and help him become more than a mere supreme leader--something which has been weighing heavily on his mind ever since Un saw a bootleg version of Taco Bell's television commercial touting the tastiness of the food chain's supreme chalupa.

While his father went by many nicknames, some of which included Mastermind of the Revolution, Superior Person, and Brilliant Leader, Un has said more than once if he could just be called Regular Guy who Doesn't Resemble a Dumpling, or even Supreme Chalupa, it would suit him just fine.

If all goes well, Kim-Ba might just be the exercise program that would make that happen for the pudgy little dictator, not to mention the entire country of North Korea, which it is hoped someday to be known collectively not as the Deluded Masses, but the Toned and Trim Deluded Masses.

Enclave of Rich White Folk Claim They are Last True Americans

A small group of rich, white people calling themselves TruMericans have begun work on a 100-acre piece of property in the heart of heartland, America, to turn it into their very own enclave where they can all practice shared values without outside, i.e. illegal alien, and/or governmental interference. The group makes the lofty claim that they are now the only true Americans in America. They have even gone so far as to trademark the name TruMerica.

Notwithstanding the Indians, whom some members acknowledge they aren't really sure if they (the Indians) are even American or human for that matter, TruMericans believe they have searched enough 2010 U.S. Census data to validate their claim.

"The only names you will find among us," said John Smith, "are Smith, Miller, and Johnson."

Members had to face a stringent genome testing program to determine if they had even a drop of anything other than white in them. When told that everyone, even the whitest of white folk, can be directly linked back to a black woman, they had the testing agent banned from ever releasing this information to the public. Somehow, it slipped out. But that little anomaly is not going to make the rich, white folks abandon a dream they have been planning for over two years, when they first believed with every fiber of their being that the Apocalypse was going to happen on 12/21/12.

According to Smith, when the end didn't come, the group decided that as much as they were hoping to be a part of Armageddon, the best they could do is hole up on some podunk little piece of property and call it an enclave.

Ironically, the only other people allowed to live on TruAmerica soil are a handful of Mexican migrant workers and a few Japanese gardeners.

"We had to find a way to sustain ourselves, and we naturally looked toward the cheapest and most effective way to do that. Mexicans were the obvious choice, especially undocumented ones. They plant a mean crop. In addition, they won't run, they won't tell, they don't want to get deported. End of story," said the self-proclaimed leader of the clan, David Miller.

As for the gardeners, Miller was incredulous that we would even ask such a question.

"The Japanese are known for their gardening skills, and this enclave will have its share of mansions. Imagine what the place would look like if we were left to fend for ourselves."

Smith admitted there are a few kinks to work out and it may involve letting a few more non-white, non-Americans into the mix, but they claim to have a strict policy of no enclave members fraternizing with "the help."

"They (the help) know their place, and they know we are heavily armed with the finest ammo money can buy. I don't think they are going anyplace," he said with a wily grin.

And the kinks?

"Well, let's just say that we have 21st Century technology at our fingertips, and some of us might even know how to change the oil in our personal vehicles, but so far, none of us have the know-how to keep a vintage Army High-Speed Artillery Tractor running."

While they are merely rumors at this point, some speculate that TruMerica is the brainchild of former Vice President, Dick Cheney. However, that simply cannot be the case due to the fact that his last name is a disqualifier for him or his family joining the group. But who knows? He could have secretly changed his name to any of the surnames stated above. The most appropriate would be Dick Johnson.

We'll keep you posted.

Doctors Baffled By Iowa Man's Inability to Remain Erect

Doctors at the Iowa City VA Health Care System in Iowa City, Iowa, are baffled by the case of a local man who appears to have lost the ability to remain vertical while standing for more than five minutes at a time. In fact, Ernest Umble has been seen at various emergency rooms throughout Iowa City no less than 14 times in the past 30 days, and hospitalized 5 of those times for two to three days on average.

For lack of a sound diagnosis for these falls, Mr. Umble's primary care physician, Dr. Stan Dupp, has concluded that the patient presents himself as being cursed with a very rare condition known as hyper-gravitational disorder or HGD.

While Parkinson's Disease has been ruled out , the doctors have not yet ruled out other potential causes for Mr. Umber's inability to remain erect, including the supposition that he may just like lying down better than he likes standing up, a theory that Mr. Umber says is totally preposterous.

"If that were the case, don't you think I'd make sure I was standing on a soft surface, such as a bed or a mattress before deciding to lie down?" asked the frustrated patient.

This statement elicited a few giggles from a local newspaper reporter who was sent to cover this strange medical drama playing out in various venues in and around Mr. Umble's neighborhood, most commonly in his home and/or the very hospitals where he has been treated.

"His first fall was at home, down the stairs, while trying to avoid one of my cats," said Margie Umble, Ernest's bride of just under 7 months. "It was downhill from there," she said half-jokingly.

"We had just moved into a new townhouse, and were joking around about how the cats sleep in the darndest places," said Margie, "when Ernest lost his footing trying to step over my cat Freckles on the 5th step. Down he tumbled," said Margie, "...Ernest, not Freckles that is."

That fall landed Ernest in the hospital with a fracture of the lower spine, and necessitated surgery to repair the damage. Ernest wasn't home more than two or three days recuperating from that surgery when he contracted pneumonia and had to be re-admitted. Doctors say the next fall, suffered in the hallway of the hospital where Ernest was being treated for the pneumonia can be linked directly to the lack of oxygen, a symptom of severe pneumonia. According to Margie, Ernest was trying to maneuver his IV stand over the threshold to his hospital room when he went flying into an adjacent wall.

However, the other falls, 12 more since that first fall, have left Mr. Umble's doctors scratching their heads. Short of strapping Mr. Umble to his bed for the remainder of his life, or until a suitable treatment plan can be designed to keep his falls to a minimum, doctors are running out of answers.

"It is getting to the point where we are seriously considering wrapping Mr. Umble in bubble wrap from head to toe in order to minimize any further damage," said Dr. Dupp.

In the meantime, a team of physicists from Stanford University have asked Mr. Umble for his permission to study him in hopes that his unique inability to stand erect for more than a few minutes at a time may somehow prove the last part of Einstein's special theory of relativity. Mr. Umble has yet to respond due to the fact that he is currently in traction at Mercy Iowa City Hospital after falling UP the stairs at his home on Thursday.

The good doctor added "Mr. Umble is giving new meaning to the term accident prone."

Rich Hoarder Found in Filthy Home Amid Piles of Money

City workers with the local Health Department in Dallas, Texas, were called to the 1300 Block of Throckmorton Street on a tip from an anonymous caller who suspected her neighbor of being a hoarder.

Upon arriving at the location, the task force found one Thurston R. Minedigger III, sitting amid piles and piles of wet moldy money. The home smelled strongly of human feces and un-rinsed jars of caviar, but the most striking difference between Minedigger's home and that of a normal hoarder is the amount of money stacked throughout the home.

"There were piles and piles of thousand dollar bills stacked from floor to ceiling," said Monica Norwalk, a City worker whose job it is to check out complaints received by the Health Department.

"I don't think I've ever seen anything like this before in my life. And, if you have never smelled that much money in one place, let me tell you, it is not a pleasant smell.

I cannot imagine what it would be like having to work around money all day long," she said.

When workers tried to take Minedigger from his home so that they could clean it up, he became irate.

"You city workers are going to steal from me, aren't you?" he shouted at them.

"I know what you make, and I know that if I left you alone in this apartment for only a few seconds, the place would be picked clean in no time."

The workers tried to convince Mr. Minedigger that they were only there to protect him from himself; however, Mr. Minedigger was convinced that the poor were eventually going to take all his money and he had to protect every single dime.

A television in the corner of the room was tuned to Fox News, and ironically, Fox News Host Stuart Varney was discussing how much more the rich are having to pay in taxes and how it is going to federal aid programs for the poor.

Minedigger's eyes seemed to glaze over when the workers tried to pry the thousands of dollars from his hands in order to restrain him and take him from the home.

"My grandfather, Thurston Minedigger, worked his ass off for this money. Take your hands off me you ruffians," he shouted. "Where is my lawyer?"

A voice from under a pile of money near the dining area answered "Here, sir, I'm right here," as he stuffed piles of money in his pocket and tried to make his way to the front door.

Once Mr. Minedigger was restrained and ready to be escorted from the home, a social worker tried to talk to him about his options.

"We have a camera crew waiting just outside the door, Mr. Minedigger, and it is our obligation to let you know that this scene will be filmed and aired on national television on the A&E Channel next season. You could make anywhere in the neighborhood of $10 to $15 thousand dollars for your story."

Mr. Minedigger seemed to calm down upon hearing this and agreed to allow the crew in to film his segment of the Hoarders television show. The name of the segment is being tentatively called "Dirty, Filthy Money."

Once he was in the custody of the social workers, the A&E Crew moved in to the penthouse to start filming the clean up.

City workers estimate the amount of money found in Minedigger's penthouse ranges anywhere from a couple thousand to a few million, depending on whom you ask once the crews finished cleaning up. 

Minedigger's attorney refused to be interviewed on or off camera.

Writer Blames Inability to Write on Having Teeth Pulled

Pat Beekers,  Unpublished Author
Awaiting New Dentures

Pat Beekers has been wandering about her home feeling inadequate as a writer these days ever since she had all her teeth pulled. Little did she know when she agreed to have the procedure done, it would affect her life in such a dramatic way.

"I couldn't figure it out," said Beekers.

"I'd sit at the computer, staring at the keyboard, and wondering why I couldn't come up with anything remotely funny to write. I would start picking at my fingernails, which have recently grown a good quarter of an inch apiece in the past week, and then, out of habit, I put my nails to my mouth to bite them off, only to realize I had no teeth. What an odd sensation to put the nail to teeth only to find 'nothingness," she said.

"It was so surreal."

Beekers claims that is when it struck her--the inability to bite her nails was directly correlated to her inability to write a funny story.

"It all made sense to me," claims Beekers.

"I couldn't think of one funny think to write. The only reason I am even writing this story is to let my small group of readers know that I'm trying. I really am. But I just don't have it anymore," she said.

"I suppose I could be doing something else, like cooking or sewing," Beekers admits. But she claims the lack of teeth is making it hard on her to do other ordinary things like opening a package of rice mix to cook for dinner, or biting off the thread after sewing a button on a blouse.

"Yes, I suppose I could take up the scissors again and re-learn how to use them, but really," said Beekers, "do I want to go to the trouble? Not really."

Beekers added a bit forlornly, "I honestly had no idea how immensely important teeth were until I lost mine. I just hope that when they fit me for my dentures, they can make them handy enough to allow me to bite my nails again and anything else that needs opening, shortening, or bitten off.

"I rather enjoyed biting my nails, especially when I was nervous or, of course, trying to think up funny stuff to write."

Jon Stewart Leaves the Daily Show, Starts JON Channel

The Daily Show is one man poorer this morning with the announcement that Jon Stewart is now rich enough to own himself and is quitting Comedy Central and the Daily Show with Jon Stewart.

Following in the footsteps of Oprah Winfrey with her development of her OWN (Oprah Winfrey Network) cable television network, Stewart has decided to start the JON (Jon's Own Network) cable television network, which should be up and operational by the end of April.

A spokesperson for HBO, owners of Comedy Central, where Jon Stewart has honed his craft as the top parody news show host on cable for the past 15 years, claims this move wasn't really a shock for anyone.

"Jon has been talking about going solo, or should I say, bigger, for about a year or so now," said Sheldon Finkelstein, programming director at Comedy Central and shareholder in the new JON venture.

Although Stewart's net worth, hovering around the $80 million mark, is nowhere near Oprah Winfrey's estimated $2.9 billion net worth, Stewart claims at the rate he was going, he would have had to be 147 years old to do anything on the grand scale of Oprah's network.

That is why he is starting small.

"I'm taking Colbert with me," said Stewart, speaking of course about Stephen Colbert, the other side of the hilarious Coin 'o Comedy, as he sometimes refers to Colbert and himself.

"Do I want Colbert on my team?" asked Jon. "Well, let me put it this way," he answered his own question with the now-famous quote by Mario Puzo, i.e. "Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer."

Because Comedy Central owns the rights to Stewart's name outright, and he can't buy his name back with the paltry amount he has in the bank, Stewart plans on changing his name to simply JON.

"It's a gamble," said the multi-talented comedian, writer, actor, and now owner of himself, "but in the long run, it's something I felt compelled to try."

Jon went on to say that he and Colbert had been planning this for quite some time, and with their combined net worth, they think they have a real shot at giving Comedy Central a run for its money.

"In the end," said Stewart, "it's not about making people laugh so much as it is a matter of pride.

"At what point do we ask ourselves, 'really? A black woman is one of the richest Americans on the planet?'"

British Man Vibrates at High Frequency; Flies into Crowd, Injuring 4

David McKenney, of Huntingdon, England, is in hospital today, when, for no explicable reason, he started shaking violently, lifted off the ground, and slammed into a crowd of people, injuring dozens. Four other people were injured badly enough to warrant a ride to the hospital as well.

McKenney was attending the 20th annual Cambridge Science Festival with his wife and three children when he began to feel a trembling in his shoulders. Within 20 seconds, his entire body  began to vibrate, sending him upwards and outwards into the crowd with little warning.

"I didn't know what to think," said Shirley Tremborne-Davis of Peterborough. "Damndest thing I ever saw.

"One minute, we were at the Hands-On Physics exhibit, watching a student mathematician plot the equation of a thin blue line, when all of a sudden, this man, out of nowhere just flies into the people in front of me. Thank goodness I was agile enough to jump out of the way before he hit," said Tremborne-Davis, who escaped with only a few minor scrapes.

McKenney, whose approximate weight is around 132 kg or 290 lbs, landed on two people who, along with two other people who were injured while trying to dive out of McKenney's way, were transported to hospital with various injuries.

At this time, all injured, including the human projectile, McKenney himself, were said to be in stable condition. Several others in the crowd were treated on the scene with various minor injuries including contusions, cuts and scrapes.

Several of the physicists on hand were asked if they had any idea how this man could have possibly attained such a level of vibration as to actually become airborne. One had a theory he was eager to share.

Dwayne "Donny" Brentson, the student physicist working on the thin blue line equation, said he had a theory that he was working on, and he was amazed that it could have possibly worked on Mr. McKenney.

"It's called the bobble-head theory," said Brentson.

"Mr. McKenney is a large man, and his head is abnormally large in comparison to his body. My theory is that someone possibly nudged McKenney in order to slide in front of him to get a closer look at my experiment, and this set off a small tremor in McKenney's body. This most likely caused his head to bobble side to side. The shudder became a vibration, upsetting the equilibrium in McKenney's body, and, instead of slowly equalizing itself, the vibrations became more violent, sending McKenney upward and into the crowd."

 The other physicists agreed this was the most logical explanation for the occurrence. They also said that, while rare, there have been more and more incidents of this nature lately. While they cannot say what is causing this shift in equilibrium, they were all in agreement that it could possibly have something to do with the fast food industry.

"What is interesting," said John Fittlesworth, a physics student at Cambridge, "is that not only are people's bodies getting larger due to an increased appetite for cheap, fast food, but in some, it is also causing an increase in the circumference of the head."

While the students showed concern for the injured, they were outwardly enthused at the prospect of re-creating this spectacle again in controlled experiments for next year's Science Festival.

Fittlesworth says their excitement stems from the fact that they could very well be on the threshold of finally explaining Einstein's Theory of Gravity as a distortion in the shape of space-time.

"Mr. McKenney could very well have experienced a shift into the fourth dimension," said Fittlesworth, "and we can't wait to see what else this man is capable of."

No exhibits were cancelled at the Science Festival, and it is hopeful that it will wind up Sunday without further incident.

American Lightweight Drinkers Amuse Irish Pub Owners on St. Patrick's Day

Another St. Patrick's Day has come and gone, and with its passing comes some great tales from Irish expatriates who have taken up residence in America to live their lifelong dream of opening their own authentic Irish pub.

"If anyone knows drinkin' and pubs, it's us," said Paddy O'Malley, owner of Paddy's Fine Irish Spirits in Topeka, Kansas.

"I know, what the hell is an Irish Pub doing in one of the most American neighborhoods in America, you might be asking?" said O'Malley with a characteristic Irish grin.

"Me mum's second aunt lives here, and she's generously offered me room in 'er basement till I can get me Irish pub business off the ground," he answered himself.

O'Malley says he and a group of friends he's made on a Facebook page called "Luck 'O the Irish Pub Club" were recently discussing this past St. Patrick's Day and in particular, the difference between an American drinker and an Irish drinker.

"Oh we had a wee bit o' craic over that one, we did," said O'Malley.

"Do ya honestly think we spent every last dime in our pocket to move over here to just break even in the pub business?" asked O'Malley.

"No, it weren't that, I can assure you," he again answered himself.

"We Irish are known for finding various ways to make ourselves laugh, so we don't ever lose our ranking as being one of the happiest people on earth," he said.

"Here in the Irish pub business, we don't plan on being rich, but we do plan on having the best time of our lives every Friday and Saturday nights, and that includes watching American lightweight drinkers get stumbling drunk and make right asses of themselves," he said.

"I can tell you this, I've not laughed this much since I owned my original bar in Dublin and watched the Englishmen beat each other up, get thrown out, and then stagger back in and ask for more of the same," he said.

"With Americans, it's not as ribald as a real fist fight, as most Americans have been sissied up a bit with too many creature comforts," he said, referring to every foreigner's assumption that Americans are (1) filthy rich; and (2) can afford to have all the modern conveniences in order to free them up to drink and act like asses.

O'Malley finished his pint of Guinness, poured another, and continued.

"Watching them get in a fight with each other and trying to slap each other senseless is, in my humble opinion, almost better than watching a bare-knuckled fight back in Ireland," he chuckled.

"Why, I'd go so far as to say it's even better than watching two girls go at it, except, of course, if it's Mike Tyson fighting," he said.

"Most Irishmen think Tyson fights like a girl anyway," said O'Malley, referring to Tyson's resorting to biting the ear off former world champion, Evander Holyfield's face back in 1997."

When asked if he knew that, coincidentally, Evander Holyfield, at age 51, is hoping to be given a temporary licence by the British Boxing Board of Control to fight Scotland's Highland boxer, Gary Cornish, in the very near future, O'Malley said he had not, but that he would definitely put in Sky cable to make sure the match is shown in his pub.

It should be right fun watching them try and slap each other to the finish," and added, "Holyfield has God himself to thank for not having to go up against a bare-fisted Irishman."

Getting back to the difference between American drinkers and Irish drinkers on St. Patrick's Day, O'Malley said simply, "I thought we been through all that. We both drink more than we should. The difference," he said, "is that when an Irishman has gone over his limit, he usually just finds a corner to go sleep it off in.

"An American, well, he'll keep going till someone knocks him out."

Finally, when asked if he had to choose between drinking and laughing, which would he choose, O'Malley grabbed his heart in one hand and his Guinness in the other and cried "Easy, man! Are ye tryin' to give me a heart attack?"

Miley Cyrus Quotes 'Then' and 'Now'

My, oh my, have times changed. Just a scant three years ago, Miley Cyrus quit the Disney Channel, and her role as Hannah Montana, to become America's most-watched sex kitten. Talk about your quick-change artists.

We thought it would be fun to look back at some of Miley's quotes, many made during her Hannah Montana years, and update them to give you a peep show of what the all-grown-up child star is up to these days.

MC Then: My mom is always telling me it takes a long time to get to the top, but a short time to get to the bottom.

MC Now: Well, I've been on the bottom, and I've been on the top, and I gotta tell you, I definitely like being on top better.

MC Then: I've got high standards when it comes to boys. As my dad says, all girls should! I'm from the South - Tennessee, to be exact - and down there, we're all about southern hospitality. I know that if I like a guy, he better be nice, and above all, my dad has to approve of him!

MC Now: I still have high standards. I get high as often as I can.

MC Then: I don't want to be perfect, but I do want to be a role model. My mom always tells me that imperfections equal beauty. All of us are imperfect.

MC Now: Do you realize how many 13-year olds are twerking to my songs right now?

MC Then: I need more friends. It's kind of like my quest right now just to have more true friends.

MC Now: My quest now is to get rid of the people who passed themselves off as true friends while stabbing me in the back. Hateful bitches. Where's Paris Hilton when you need her?

MC Then: There are so many people that have come up to me during our shows and tell me: 'The hour that we are watching your show is the hour that my kids are happiest and are smiling, they are laughing,' and that is what I long to do.

MC Now: There are so many married women that have come up to me during my show and tell me: "See that big, fat balding guy over there? He's my husband and you're turning him on. Stop it!"

MC Then: I always say the minute I stop making mistakes is the minute I stop learning and I've definitely learned a lot.

MC Now:  I've learned that pot mellows me out, and ecstasy makes me horny. Life is one big learning curve.

MC Then: The only people that you really have, that I learned, are your family, because they love you no matter what.

MC Now: Except maybe Aunt Martha and Uncle Don. They haven't been around to see mommy and daddy and me since I started touching myself in public.

MC Then: I'm kind of bipolar in my acting choices because I just want to do a little bit of everything.

MC Now: I'm kind of bi-sexual, and want to do a little bit of everyone.

MC Then: If I could get any animal it would be a dolphin. I want one so bad. Me and my mom went swimming with dolphins and I was like, 'How do we get one of those?' and she was like, 'You can't get a dolphin. What are you gonna do, like, put it in your pool?'

MC Now: Hey mom, like, I think Flipper needs a bigger pool.

MC Then: I love to sleep. I'd sleep all day if I could.

MC Now: I finally figured out what sleep means, and I still love to do it all day. Doesn't matter. Boy girl, girl boy, boy, boy, girl, girl, boy, girl, inanimate objects shaped like wieners...

MC Then: I told my mom, 'I'm not buying another magazine until I can get past this thought of looking like the girl on the cover'. She said, "Miley, you are the girl on the cover,' and I was, like, 'I know, but I don't feel like that girl every day.' You can't always feel perfect.

MC Now: Look mom! I'm on the cover of Hustler!

Strange Hieroglyphics Found on Russian Meteorite

Cheljabinsk superbolide and meteorites/Svend Buhl

Chelyabinsk, Russia - Scientists have located a large chunk of the Chelyabinsk meteorite that came crashing down in Siberia on February 15, causing injuries in this small village in the Ural region of Russia.

The fragment was recovered from Lake Chebarkul by astronomers from the Ural Federal University and brought immediately to an undisclosed location for further examination.

News of a strange encryption on a large part of the meteorite indicates that this is no ordinary rock from outer space, but could possibly hold the key to the question "are we alone in the universe?"

The scientists who first discovered the writings, which they are calling space hieroglyphics, say it could be nothing more than etchings from space debris that have mysteriously formed into some type of language. However, until a cryptologist can take a look at the rock and determine if there is any rhyme or reason to the markings, Russian officials are calling the find unremarkable.

If Russian President, Vladimir Putin has his way, however, we may never know what this rock says. Putin has agreed to have the rock, said to be about the size of a Russian wrestler's fist, blasted to bits and pieces of it given to the winners of gold medals in the Olympics. The scientific community as a whole was aghast at such a proposition given the enormity of such a find.

Said Putin when asked if he would truly endanger the survival of such a message from space for a few lousy space nuggets, he replied simply "da." 

As in da Vinci, perhaps?

Mysterious Young Oracle Appears in Sedona; Predicts Ugly Future for Wealthiest

Now may not be the best time to win the Mega Lottery or come into an inheritance from your wealthy relatives, according to a new young Oracle who has mysteriously appeared in Sedona, Arizona, and has begun predicting the future. And don't even think about striking it rich on Wall Street.

Scaramantha, who appears to be of eastern Indian descent has taken a spot atop a well-known vortex on a red rock butte overlooking Sedona, Arizona, and has begun speaking in Iambic Pentameter. Because of this, she cannot be fully questioned about where she came from or what she is doing so far from home. Her answers thus far have been shrouded in mystique.

People who have come to see her can only say that her predictions for the future are scarier than hell, at least their interpretations of her predictions are. For instance, those visiting one morning last month, heard her utter a prophesy directed toward the wealthy. Many fell to the ground in anguish as she spoke these words,

"Not so much as a penny will befall the laden ox, as your possessions you'll carry in a box."

One woman, Marie Claire, claims this prediction was particularly troubling for her as her rich Aunt Marie, after which she was named, lay ill in a hospital bed. Upon her death, Ms. Claire stood to inherit more than $3.5 million dollars.

"I don't want the money," Ms. Claire began chanting at the foot of the Oracle. "I don't want the money." But, when questioned further, outside the range of the Oracle, Ms. Claire admitted that she already had the money spent in her mind.

"Sure, I'm gonna take the inheritance. Are you kidding me? I was just, you know, covering all my bases."

Most people have heard about the Oracle of Delphi, who existed many centuries ago in Greece, but no one person since has come close in comparison to that phenomenon, until now.

Scaramantha, or Scary Sherry, as the locals have begun calling her, is anything but scary looking. In fact, she is a beautiful young woman who appears to be around the age of 20-22, has flowing black hair, and a pierced nose. Local men like to speculate she has more piercings that are unseen, but the one piercing is all that is visible to the public.

But beware, Scaramantha knows all and sees all, according to anyone who has come within close range of her. One man uttered his fantasies about her while visiting with his buddies after a night of drinking, and was found face down in a puddle of sausage gravy and biscuits at the local diner. He was pronounced dead at the scene. Since then, no one even speaks her name out loud, let alone fantasize about her.

Investigators of the paranormal have begun to show up at the site where Scaramantha sits to determine if she is the real deal. However, her ability to spot the skeptics is uncanny. According to one woman, who agreed to talk to reporters anonymously claims that one group of paranormal experts showed up at the site only to find that all their equipment to film and record the prophesies suddenly stopped working for no reason, and they were left to record the event with nothing more than a pen and paper. Unfortunately, they had neither and were forced to return home empty handed.

Just as the Oracles of earlier times, Scaramantha will most likely not be taken seriously, and for that reason, people believe she will eventually give up and go home. As one local put it,

"You've seen one doomsday prophet, you've seen them all."

Duck Dynasty’s Uncle Si Fires Assistant Over Clean Tea Cup

Anyone who watches the A & E reality hit show Duck Dynasty, is familiar with not only Uncle Si, but his perpetual sidekick, a vintage Tupperware tumbler he carries everywhere he goes. Si is never without a container of sweet tea to keep his tumbler half full or half empty, whichever way the day is going.

The cup has become a running gag on the show. The way it was explained in the first season of the show is that when Si went to Viet Nam, his mama packed away his tea tumbler to go with him. He has had it in his hand ever since and needless to say, it is practically a sacrilege to mess with Uncle Si’s tea tumbler.

It is for this reason that Si’s booted his personal assistant off the set this past season when she, obviously unaware of the history behind the tumbler, decided to scrub the tea tumbler clean while Si was taking a nap on the set one day. Some say this was one of the worst outbursts of the season and Uncle Si literally had his assistant, Sally Morris, in tears before telling her to get her pitiful butt off the set and don’t come back.

“I honestly, to this day, do not know what I did wrong,” said Sally. “I cleaned a cup that everyone on the show complained about. It looked gnarly, and it needed a good scrubbing and I thought I’d help the old guy out by getting it all cleaned up.”

“The patina!” Si could be heard yelling over the scene being shot, said Si’s nephew, Willie Robertson. “The patina! Do you know how long it takes to build up a tea patina?”

Still groggy from his nap, Si appeared to have tears coming from his eyes as he held up the newly cleaned tumbler. 

“Sweet tea just don’t taste the same ‘less you got you some patina to give it flavor,” he yelled at Sally.

“You dumb little city girls don’t know the first thing about ‘Nam, memories, patina or sweet tea,” he said as he called for the producer to boot her “city girl butt” off the show.

Rumors have it that without Si’s cup, there may not be another season of Duck Dynasty, or at least there may not be an Uncle Si, which, of course, means much of the meat of the show will have been removed.

So what to do? Offers to get Si another assistant to do nothing but pour sweet tea into the tumbler, leave it sit in the sun for hours and then replace it over and over again to build up a new patina have met with grumpy silence. For sure, the mistake Ms. Morris made is sure to cost the network some serious money and they aren’t happy about it.

“If we can get the patina, as he calls it, back before next season,” said assistant producer Fetch Mesome, then we have a chance of Uncle Si returning to normal. For now, we’re left with one dejected and tea-deprived character, who has taken up drinking day-old sweet tea from the local 7-Eleven.”

“Day-old tea don’t taste near as good as my patina tea,” said Si when asked for one final comment.

Meanwhile, in other Duck Dynasty news, the local Christian network in West Monroe, LA, where Duck Commander is located, are up in arms about a new nickname the show has developed. 

“They’re now calling it ‘Double-D’ which, as we all know also refers to a popular size of bra among the heathens in this town,” said Tim “Tiny” Tucker, pastor at the local Love Thy Neighbor House of the Lord in West Monroe. 

Protesters have arrived at the Duck Commander outpost to demand that the Robertsons change the name of the show, Duck Dynasty, to anything other than its current name. So far, Duck Empire is coming up as a suitable replacement, but A & E refuses to cow tow to a small group of religious fanatics who, as they put it “seem awfully acquainted with the use of the words “Double D” and what it connotes.

More Duck Dynasty or Double D news as we get it.

Massive Sinkhole Threatens to Rip Florida in Half

Tampa, FL – Mildred and Juan Scoleri were outdoors on their patio surveying the excavation work that the pool company had just finished before laying the foundation for the pool they’ve been saving for ever since Juan was still working three janitor jobs and one on the side to make ends meet. It was a dream come true; however, that dream has now turned into a nightmare. The entire state of Florida, with the exception of the lower keys, is suing the Scoleris for what they call “the total destruction of the foundation of Florida!”

It seems that underneath the Scoleri’s property ran the remains of an ancient aquifer that had long since dried up due to overuse of water by the citrus farmers in the area who, while knowing the water situation in the area was precarious, also knew that America loves its orange juice and the orange juice lobbyists run the water works, so to speak--that, and the fact that the central part of Florida has more water parks than God has headaches, not to mention a golf course on every corner—they don’t keep themselves green you know.

Once the water dried up, the cavernous aquifer remained, but no one thought to check just how big that aquifer really was. Seems it had been growing from the size of a small city, say Peoria, Illinois to its present size—the length of the state of Tennessee! 

Geologists who are just now beginning to take thermographs of the area claim that the bedrock of Florida, if you can call that, is being held together by one extremely tenuous layer of limestone that is being constantly eroded away from the bottom up. Once that dissolves, say in the next week or so, they say that Florida is going to snap clean in half, leaving a body of water already dubbed the Florida Narrow Straits in its wake.

“The numerous sinkholes that have been occurring in the area were just a portending of things to come,” claims geologist Dr. Henry Stinkler. 

“We are now faced with a natural secession in Florida. Florida is being cut off at the knees. We’re talking North and South Florida, with South Florida being an island. The oil is separating from the water—ok that one belongs to another disaster. But I ask you, how many more analogies do you need to hear?”

Meanwhile, the Scolaris aren’t taking this lying down, mainly because their property has been condemned and they have no place to lie down. But they are going to fight. 

“I’ll be damned,” said Juan Scolari, “if we are going to be blamed for something that the entire state of Florida is responsible for. When they told us not to ask for a glass of water in a restaurant unless we really needed it, when we were told to take shorter showers or shower together, did anyone listen? Now, we are paying for it and by us, I don’t mean the Scolaris.”

Ed. Note: Apologies to the family recently suffering a loss from a sinkhole in their home. Unfortunately, this problem is never going to go away and just so you know, I originally wrote this story almost three years ago...just sayin.

Glenn Beck Saves TheBlaze by Not Offering Job to Sarah Palin

God knows I love her, but we can’t have that kinda crazy around here ~ Glenn Beck

Glenn Beck says that when he heard Sarah Palin was leaving Fox News, he couldn’t have been happier.

“Now she will make something of herself, like I did,” he said proudly, adding “There is, after all, life after Fox.”

When Beck was fired from Fox back in the middle of 2011, many wondered if he’d ever recover from that mighty slap in the face by Roger Ailes. They aren’t wondering any longer, however. The answer is “No, he didn’t recover…yet.”

With the same fate befalling Sarah Palin, many speculated Beck would unite with the Alaskan ice queen, taking her into his fold and giving Palin her own show on his latest venture, TheBlaze.

TheBlaze TV is Beck’s internet television network (formerly GBTV—which name was abandoned by Beck for sounding too gay.)

“I like the sound of it,” said Beck at first (TheRogue, Sarah Palin, you know, not GBTV) as he tossed around the idea of TheBlaze going rogue.

“Sarah might just be the drug we need to pump even more life into the veins of TheBlaze,” Beck answered when asked what exactly Sarah could bring to the show.

“Sarah Palin puts the “pug” in pugnacious,” said a fired-up Beck.

But almost as quickly as he entertained the thought of bringing Sarah on board, he reneged on the potential deal, resulting in a collective sigh of relief by everyone associated with Beck’s internet television show.

“Some people say I’m crazy,” said Beck, “but I’m not that crazy.”

Palin was asked about Beck’s unofficial offer to give her a shot on TheBlaze TV network. She responded in her usual feigned interest voice “Beck who? Oh, Glenn Beck. Is he still around?”

In a related news story, Tina Fey has pleaded with her fans to stop texting her, asking what she is going to do now that she no longer works for Fox News.

Obesity Vaccine Wins FDA Approval

Fast Food Restaurants Go Ahead With Even More Bacon Options in Kids Meals

Washington, DC – The Food and Drug Administration has given final approval on a vaccine that, when administered at a young age, will allow children to eat anything they want without gaining any fat. The obesity vaccine was developed in answer to the failed USDA’s MyPlate program, which replaced the even more disastrous MYPyramid Food Chart, both of which have done little to curtail the rising epidemic of obesity in America.

It was also a medical project that was financed largely in part by the fast food industry in an attempt to allow them to continue to serve nutritionally sub-standard meals at an affordable price.

Given at an early age, the obesity vaccine immunizes children from the ill effects suffered from a high-fat, high-sugar diet, and allows them to continue eating all the things that had once been bad for them without jeopardizing their health by becoming morbidly obese.

“Soon, diabetes, heart disease, high blood pressure and other conditions that eventually kill more than a third of our population will be a thing of the past…just as soon as this last generation is gone,” said Dr. Hewitt Dimwoody, chief research scientist who helped develop the vaccine.

The doctor went on to explain that unfortunately, the only people the vaccine will help are small children who have not yet developed an irreversible addiction to fats and sugars. This leaves the entire adult population still pretty much risking their lives if they even think about stopping by their local fast food restaurant and ordering a Baconator with a super side of fries, washed down with their favorite liquid sugar.

The vaccine is expected to be ready for use in time for the beginning of the 2014 school year. Children will be required to have the vaccine before entering pre-K so that school lunch programs can continue to serve hot dogs, fish sticks, and mac and cheese without any longer putting their students at a high risk of becoming fat.

Asked what this means for the USDA, a spokesperson replied “We are actually very satisfied that this vaccine has been approved by the FDA. We were pretty well fed up with the CDC constantly on our backs to come up with a nutritious food program to fight obesity in this country in order to bring diabetes and heart disease back down to a manageable level.”

From COPS to Pot Farmers: How Reality TV Has Done a 360

Everyone who is a fan of reality television knows that COPS is credited with being the first reality-based show on television. A staple on Saturday nights, COPS ruled the roost in reality television for several decades on Fox before being pushed aside for more elaborate shows on other channels. So it is more than ironic that the latest offering in reality TV shows would be about an activity that has law enforcement officials feeling helpless to stop—Pot Farming in Northern California.

It was announced in August 2012 that The Discovery Channel was working on a new reality television series based on the lives of several pot farmers in northern California. Since then, pot lovers all over America have been eagerly anticipating its debut.

Pot Farmers of Humboldt County chronicles the lives of three pot farming families who have struck gold overnight by turning their rural farmlands into pot fields. Pot farming has become a very lucrative, albeit very competitive, business in California, so it goes without saying that this show will provide all the drama that other Discovery Channel shows now airing such as Sons of Guns, Hillbilly Handfishin’, and Moonshiners presently dish out.

Pot farming in Northern California, particularly, has been getting a bum rap for what authorities trying to stop them say are serious environmental violations, from cutting down virgin forests to make room for their burgeoning businesses to poisoning the environment with chemicals pot farmers claim are necessary to grow a healthy crop of a much-desired medicine in California.

One of the stars of the show, Pot Farmers, is a 60-year old hippie named Willie McMillon, who owns nine square miles of farmland in rural Eureka. McMillon heads up his family of seven, including his wife, Sadie, three daughters and two sons, all of whom help out on the farm. McMillon claims that his farm is as organic as it gets and claims the government is just trying to pick bones because they want to see pot farming eradicated and go back to a time when pot was strictly forbidden.

As a side note, Willie is said to own upwards of 100 or more tie-dyed t-shirts, some of which he has owned for as many years as he’s been a hippie. Throughout the show, Willie will be seen wearing his signature bib overalls and a different tie-dyed t-shirt every week, some so old, you can almost see the last threads disintegrate before your very eyes.

 “I’m glad to have this opportunity to show the world that pot farmers in California, well most of us anyways, are doing the best we can to make sure that pot farming doesn’t harm anything Mother Nature has given us,” says Willie on the 2-hour pilot program of Pot Farmers set to air sometime in March 2013.

Willie is most likely referring to two other families featured on the show who grow pot for a living. One in particular is a heated rival and who Willie doesn’t hold back on when describing his dislike for the way they do business. The family, the Hartfields, headed up by Robert “Rick” Hartfield, owner of eleven acres of pot land, live just ‘down the road’ from the McMillons, and this rivalry is as heated as any we’ve seen in recent reality show history. Not even the feud between Nene Leakes and Kim Zolciak of The Real Housewives of Atlanta will be able to outshine this modern-day war between pot farmers.

Hartfield has been cited for a few environmental infractions but in the show, he claims the chemicals he uses on his plants are the same ones that tomato and melon farmers in the area use and claims he is being singled out because of the nature of his crop.

In one particularly hard scene to watch, Hartfield has to take one of his dogs that got into the pot shed and ate halfway through a bag of buds to the vet for pot poisoning, but the dog ends up fully recovering with a new nickname “Bud.”

The Hartfields and McMillons, along with another family by the name of Miller, a transplanted Amish family originally from LaGrange, Indiana--another well-known, but as of yet, illegal place that is famous for its home-grown marijuana—make Pot Farmers one of the most anticipated new reality shows to hit the Discovery Channel since Moonshiners.

A producer of the show claims that the economy is partially responsible for these rogue families across the country doing whatever is necessary to keep their families fed and a roof over their heads.

“While families like those featured in another reality show, Duck Dynasty, which airs on rival channel A&E, get their money from the legal business of making hand-crafted duck calls, it is only a matter of time before other families will come forward, regardless of the threat of jail time, to get their families’ names in lights on the various channels that showcase what real America is all about,” she said.