Real Reason Uber Rich are Hoarding the World’s Wealth

Walk-In Closet Prototype for The Closet Space Station

Turn on any news channel these days, especially the liberal, left-leaning ones and you will see a panel of analysts trying to figure out what is behind the enormous shift in wealth over the past two decades. Where is the greed coming from, and why has Middle America vanished?

Most chalk it up to just that, greed; however, according to a secret manifesto recently found in the document chamber of an ultra-secret society known as The Closet, the money is being hoarded and used to build a second space station whose sole purpose is to house the fortunate members of the society once the real Apocalypse is upon us. A date no one is now sure of since the Mayans let us down.

The manifesto was found by a private undercover investigator who infiltrated The Closet as a supposed multi-billionaire from Greece. Gaining confidence by flashing money wherever he went and buying several Maseratis in various colors last year, the spy became a member of the inner circle and quickly gained access to documents only the very privileged of the privileged were privy to.

No more is known about the PI; however, it is deemed possible that he was hired by another member of The Closet who was not a member of the inner circle and who needed the information to find out where to show up once the Apocalypse was upon us to travel to the space station his billions were going toward building.

Known only as Mr. G, the billionaire has admitted that money is changing hands faster and faster among the uber rich to finance this project, but so far, no plans have emerged as to when the space station will be finished, what it will look like, and more importantly, how large each billionaire’s space on said station will be. 

It has been reported that private companies interested in taking over NASA space stations are already on the scene trying to solve this problem. While Americans are being told that the recent satellite launchings from Cape Canaveral are being funded by other countries to beef up their telecommunications businesses, the truth may be hidden within The Closet’s secret manifesto. More space for the billionaires.

“If I don’t get at least 4,000 sq. ft. for me and my immediate heirs, the deal is off,” according to Mr. G, who spoke on the condition that his statement would not be made public, which, of course, is now another problem The Closet must face. 4,000 sq. ft. per billionaire would make it impossible for the builders unless there is more money to fund the project.

That is where the wealth of the world comes in. By taking as much as they can through corporate holdings and jimmying the “market,” it might just be possible to pull off the square footage needed to keep the billionaires happy, as long as not too many more self-made billionaires pop onto the scene in the next few years, which is highly possible due to the lax governmental controls allowing such rapacity to continue. 

Rumors are circulating that huge amounts of dollars are being systematically withdrawn from offshore holding accounts which, according to reports, are at an all-time high of over 1.5 trillion dollars, more than enough to build a few 4,000 sq. ft. condos in space.

According to the secret plans, the only other big issue holding up the project is how to get billionaires to eat MRE’s (meals ready to eat) once aboard the space station. Evidently, caviar does not reconstitute well when constituted.

Black Friday Specials to Include Cheap Grocery Items

Women, Infants and Children (WIC) take heart. This year, Black Friday specials offered by stores such as Wal-Mart, K-Mart, Target, Sam’s Club and others aren’t all about the X-Box. They are all about survival. Instead of offering Wii’s for less than $100 and gaming equipment for a third of its original cost, these stores are offering milk at half price, cheese below the manufacturer’s cost, and cereal for next to nothing.

Gone are the days of the $200 laptop computer and Call of Duty Black Ops being offered for less than $30. The majority of Americans are out of work and now, since their unemployment benefits have expired, are left with little to spend on expensive electronics. The big retailers know this and know that the most popular gift item this season is the gift of life. Hunger is going to be a big problem, but not if most heads of household shop during one of the many Black Friday events taking place between now and Christmas.

While the term “Black Friday” has taken on almost a literal meaning, it doesn’t have to be as bleak as everyone is making it out to be. Those who simply can’t afford gifts can still use their saved up food stamps to buy some darn good Christmas gifts for their families.

So what if your teenage daughter doesn’t get the i-Phone she’s been jonesing for. She will be pleased as punch to get a box of macaroni and cheese and a tin of tuna after having gone a day or two without dinner. And for your son, who just this once wanted a brand new football so he could play catch with his dad, he’ll understand when instead, he gets a 12-pack of Ramen noodles and a half-gallon of milk. Heck, the specials are so special this year, you may even be able to afford to give him chocolate milk for an extra special treat.

Yes, Black Friday used to be about running up high credit card balances and giving your kids what they want. Now, since all credit has virtually dried up and the banks are either closed or hanging out their Scrooge shingles, you can still give your kids a Christmas to remember--the gift of survival, thanks to all those caring retailers out there who understand just exactly what the hottest selling items on the market are this season.

Don’t Blame the Rich, It’s a Generational Thing

Just as the rich say that breaking the cycle of poverty is a never-ending battle because it is self-perpetuating, some are now using that same logic to try and explain the unmitigated greed that is threatening to tear apart entire states such as Wisconsin and Michigan.

The rich, or as they like to refer to themselves as “the haves” say they simply can’t help it. “We were born this way. It’s how we were raised,” claims Thurston B. Howell III, no relation to the millionaire played by Jim Backus in the hit television show Gilligan’s Island. His wife, whom he nicknamed “Lovey” agreed. “Yeahssss, I agree with Thurston, except in my case, I married into the money, but same concept I suppose.”

The rich say they are tired of being blamed for the greedy way they try to buy power and influence. One billionaire, who asked to remain nameless because he can, had this to say, “Even if I wanted to, I simply do not know the first thing about how to break my own cycle of wealth.”

He related this horrific story. “I honestly tried going to a Walmart once to buy some Clamato juice as we’d run out on the yacht and our servants all had the day off for some inexplicable reason. As I drove the Bentley to the door labeled Food Center, there was no one at the curb to open the door for me and park my car. I lost all sense of where I was. It was awful. I had to turn around and go back to the yacht empty-handed.”

On the bright side, there are way less uber rich than poor folks. Therefore, the chances of ever seeing rich people picketing in the streets for their rights are slim to none.