God Bless My Barbeque

Ed Note:  Since this is National BBQ Month, I dusted this off one more time to share with everyone who loves a good brisket...

Today we salute the brave men and women who have fought for this country and that is first and foremost. Thank you for your service.

But I also want to give a shout out to the men and the occasional woman, who have gone to great lengths to make the BBQ grill their blackened idol... this can be sung to America the Beautiful or said as a solemn prayer, your choice. 

(Sung to God Bless America)

God bless my barbeque
Smoke pit and all

I will cherish
And care for it

Through the summer
And into the fall,

From a brisket
to a weiner

To the primest
cut of meat,

God bless my barbeque
it's mighty sweet,

God bless my barbeque

now let's go eat!

How the Trump Stole America

Politics in America had suffered a blow

Americans were fed up with the status quo

Obama did what he could with what given

The red states were mad, they were hellbent and driven

Give us a new leader, give us fresh meat

A guy who knows how to make money and tweet

That's all that they needed, no more and no less

Could that guy be found? It was anyone's guess

Then out from a rock came an orange-shaded man

Whose hair was combed over, his body fake tan

Republicans fell one by one in debate

to his promise of making America great

When down to two choices, the people did cry

Why hadn't we chosen the blue Birdie guy

The choices were pared down--one lady, one man

A woman with balls 'gainst a guy with small hands.

The voters had spoken, and held out the hope

That electors would wise up and see through this joke

There were no more chances, the election was over

America faced a Trump White House Takeover

The folks who had voted the Charlatan in

Didn't know what they bargained for letting Trump win

I'll stop social programs, you'll have nowhere to go

for your handouts, your food stamps, your government dole

Your paydays will dwindle, You'll beg for my mercy

Especially Chris Christie and his goons in New Jersey.

Latinos, and Muslims, and foreigners all

I'll send you a packin' and I'll build a wall

I'll think up new taxes, new tariffs and fees,

Until it's not profitable for the Chinese.

I'll rape the land and cut down all your trees,

Why I'll even deplete all the birds and the bees

Then the President laughed, yes he laughed till he cried

He looked in the camera with a face full of snide.

I told you I’d do it, I said I would win

You fell for my lies and my fakey false grin

No longer will this be a government for all

My mission's to watch your democracy fall

He finished his tirade by blowing a kiss and said

Thanks for the votes, now you all are dismissed.

©P. Beckert 2016

Nightmares Prompt Kim Jong-un to Take Up Zumba

Apparently, fear of his dead father is resurfacing in a big way and has been keeping N. Korean supreme leader Kim Jong-un up nights for well over a year now. The leader is said to be suffering from an ongoing bout of the vapors, leaving him feeling puny and out of sorts.

A recurring nightmare finds the North Korean leader face-to-face with his not-so-dead father who is taking the pudgy little tyrant to task for not being such a tyrant after all. It has been reported that Un wakes up every night drenched in sweat and screaming "I hate you, I'm sorry, I hate you, I'm sorry..." in rapid succession until his wife slaps him awake.

The nightmares are leaving the rotund leader unable to keep up with the propaganda machine he inherited from his father. Even taking the nickname Beloved Leader has not convinced him or his countrymen that he is, in fact, beloved or a leader.

Many speculate that the nightmares are directly linked to the controversy surrounding the Seth Rogen/James Franco satirical movie The Interview, the premise of which is an assassination plot on Un's life. However, sources close to Un claim that simply isn't true.

"At the rate these nightmares are coming, the supreme leader actually would welcome death over having to explain himself to his father one more night," claim sources close to Un.

In fact, what really seems to trouble the leader is his feelings of inadequacy for not being able to measure up (physically and mentally) to the titles bestowed upon him, all of which intimate a deity-like presence.

"I cannot step into God's shoes as easily as my father, Glorious General, Who Descended from Heaven," Un is claimed to have revealed just moments before having his uncle executed for his (said uncle's) inability to resemble anything remotely god-like, causing much embarrassment during one of North Korea's most holiest holidays, Missile Launching Day.

Hoping to come close to that title, Un was advised by his personal physician to purchase a Chinese knockoff version of a Zumba tape in hopes that practicing a full hour of Zumba, or Kim-Ba as it is now known in North Korea, every night before going to bed may boost the dejected leader's ego to one that may eventually rival that of his dead father.

Asked how this might be accomplished, the doctor could only surmise that, if done properly, Kim-Ba would calm Un, in addition to helping him lose weight, which, in turn, may possibly earn him the respect of his father during the aforementioned dreams, and help him become more than a mere supreme leader--something which has been weighing heavily on his mind ever since Un saw a bootleg version of Taco Bell's television commercial touting the tastiness of the food chain's supreme chalupa.

While his father went by many nicknames, some of which included Mastermind of the Revolution, Superior Person, and Brilliant Leader, Un has said more than once if he could just be called Regular Guy who Doesn't Resemble a Dumpling, or even Supreme Chalupa, it would suit him just fine.

If all goes well, Kim-Ba might just be the exercise program that would make that happen for the pudgy little dictator, not to mention the entire country of North Korea, which it is hoped someday to be known collectively not as the Deluded Masses, but the Toned and Trim Deluded Masses.

Put Me on a Diet (Sung to Eagles' Take it to the Limit)

Eagles' Take it to the Limit

The holidays are approaching fast, and some of us are dreading them simply because we don't want to add on that extra 10 or so pounds experts say we will after all that turkey, gravy, and various sweet treats we'll be over indulging in over the holidays.

So this song is dedicated to all those dedicated dieters out there who need a theme song. The best diet plan in the world is a continual sing-along because it's damned near impossible to sing a song while you're stuffing your face with pie.

Put me on a diet 

(Sung to Take It to the limit)

All alone at the end of my dinner

With the carrots still fresh on my plate

I was thinking do really want to

blow it with a big piece of cake

You know I've always been an eater

(Can't put the fork down)

And the fat seems to pile on

(I'm as tall as I am around)

But the food I've eaten lately

Doesn't hit the spot, can't eat a lot,

I'm ready for a change

So put me on a diet

and show me you care

just put me on a diet

if you dare

I can spend all my time eating chocolates

I can spend all my time eating pie

But if the gravy boat ran out tomorrow

Would I still be fine?

When I'm looking for a diet

(I am the yo-yo man)

I need something that'll work

(A doable diet plan)

Cause I don't wanna die tomorrow,

If I don't stop, I'm gonna pop

the button on my jeans,

So put me on a diet

and show me you care

just put me on a diet

if you dare

Put me on a diet, ohhhhh

Put me on a diet, eeeeee

Put me...on a diet

If you dare

©P. Beckert

The Snold Has Grown Old

(loosely following "The Cat in the Hat")

The Snold Has Grown Old

So old it's not funny

He lives in a place

Where the sun is not sunny

He and his friends

Are much older than dirt

They no longer smile and

they no longer flirt

Too old to take hikes

Too old to ride bikes,

They can't get around to the

places they like,

He yells at the kids

to stay off of the grass

The Snold doesn't move

he just sits on his ass,

He sits round all day,

Yes he sits,

                  sits,

                       sits,

                            sits,

Not like old Myrtle,

Who still likes to knit.

Then something goes BLAM

like a battering ram

He feels it

His knees have gone out on him

Wham!

Bursitis, Arthritis, Tinnitus

and more

He no longer feels like

himself anymore.

Lucky for him there is one saving grace

He'll soon lose his mind

And get outta this place.

Song Parody - IF I ONLY HAD SOME HEIGHT

Here it is folks, the video you've all been waiting to see, not in technicolor, but as it was meant to be seen...in North Korean Black and White. So get a tub of popcorn, or some k-rations and gather the family around the computer for about a minute of fun (hey, what do you want? It took me a day and a half just to get this short film done).

Oh, and one more thing...watch your back Weird Al - I'm a gunnin' for you.
Click the link below:

Kim Jong-Un's If I Only Had Some Height

(Sung to If I Only Had aBrain)

If I just had me some stature,

my ego wouldn't fracture

I wouldn't be so rude.

I would be a nicer guy and say

Heck I don't hate the USA

I'd be a gnarly dude.

I wouldn't need no help

To reach the upper shelf

I'd get things on my own

And I wouldn't need a ladder

just to empty my bladder

if my legs had only grown.

If I were a bigger guy

I'd be tall enough to maybe touch the sky

I wouldn't have to try to sit up straight

That's if my height was six foot eight.

If I grew in adolescence

or even pre-pubescence,

I'd be so outta sight

I could look  you in the eye

Cause I'd be a taller guy

If I only had some height.

Song Parody - Unfriend Me (To Please Release Me by Engelbert Humperdinck)

Please Unfriend Me

Please Unfriend me let me go

You aren't someone I wish to know

I hope this doesn't make you sore,

Unfriend me, don't poke me anymore

At first, we laughed and joked around,

I picked you up when you were down

But lately you've become a bore

So unfriend me, don't bother me no more.

Please release me as your friend

This relationship has got to end,

How else can I get through to you?

Unfriend me cause I've unfriended you.

Please unfriend me, cause I've unfriended you.

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie Writes Own Song Parody

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has decided if you can’t beat them, join them. So he has written his own song parody, and is expected to perform it on the Jimmy Fallon Show Monday night, and it’s expected to outdo Jimmy’s recent parody with Bruce Springsteen. Here is a sneak preview of what you can expect.

Bridge Over Jersey Waters

(Sung to Bridge Over Troubled Waters — Simon and Garfunkel)

When I say back me
and you don’t
When my guys visit you
Don’t you slough them off

Come to my side
Or I’ll make it tough
to run your little town
There’s a bridge over Jersey waters
I will shut it down
There’s a bridge over Jersey waters
I will shut it down

When the Feds find out
What I did
I’ll lie my fool ass off
Blame it all on you

We’ll shred e-mails
And redact the rest,
Don’t put me to the test
There’s a bridge over Jersey waters
I will shut it down
There’s a bridge over Jersey waters
I will shut it down

Bet you’ll back me now
Bet you will
Cause you know Chris Christie
is headed for Capitol Hill

I’m gonna win
Yea come 2016
And if you don’t back me,
There’s a bridge over DC waters,
I will shut it down,
There’s a bridge over DC waters,
I will shut it down