Thursday, September 29, 2011

Banks Offering Special 2012 “End Days” Savings Accounts

The Federal Reserve has cleared the way for all major banks and credit unions to begin offering their customers special savings accounts known as “End Days Savers Accounts.”  These accounts work the same way as Christmas Club savings accounts with a higher rate of interest for the short-duration accounts.

The only drawback is you cannot use the money in the account to buy gifts, but instead must spend the money on various disaster relief items such as gas masks, extra gasoline and canned food items.

Candice Entwhistle, special accounts manager at Wagons Ho Savings and Loan in Wichita, Kansas says she has already opened over a hundred new End Days accounts just in the past two weeks. “Here in Kansas, we have lots of folks who believe very strongly in the prophesies and, while they hope they’ll be raptured, they also want to be prepared just in case by having the means to buy the necessary items to get them through at least the first part of the great tribulation.”

End Days accounts offer a unique feature that sets them apart from Christmas accounts. Owners of the accounts can name a person they would like to receive the funds in the account on the off chance that the account holder does get raptured. “That way,” said Ms. Entwhistle, “the money doesn’t go to the bank or to a lost funds account, but to a relative who may not have lived a Godly life while here on earth. That money might just bring a little peace of mind to someone who believes with all their heart that they will be caught up in the rapture but will unfortunately be forced to leave behind some sinful kin. It’s a win-win,” said Entwhistle.

The special End Days savings accounts with a 0.055% interest rate can be opened beginning on December 26, 2011 and, if all goes according to plan, can be closed out the week of December 16, 2012 in time for the end of the world, which is currently predicted to take place on December 21, 2012.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Rare Weather Occurrence in Central Texas Creates Venus-Like Atmosphere

The build-up of heat in the atmosphere over Central Texas has created a rare series of rainless rainstorms akin to those witnessed above Venus.

“It’s a rainstorm, but without the rain,” claims meteorologist Cliff Dunnow, who says the rare weather occurrence makes dust storms look like monkey play, “or something similar,” he said.

Just exactly what monkey play has to do with weather is also a complete mystery. At any rate, virgas, totally unrelated to Viagra or virgins, are clouds that have plenty of rain in them, but in the form of ice crystals. When the crystals get heavy and fall, they hit the heat of the atmosphere and evaporate, so that it rains, just not on the ground.

“It’s one of God’s cruelest jokes played on the people of Texas,” Dunnow said. “They keep praying for rain, see a storm approaching and think to themselves ‘wow, finally,’ only to have the rain evaporate about 100 feet above their heads.”

The weather pattern is expected to last a day or two, just long enough for the folks living in Central Texas to threaten to pick up sticks and move the hell out of the state. Meanwhile, Dunnow is asking anyone who actually witnesses a regular rainstorm to call his office immediately as he says a good old-fashioned downpour has become even rarer in Texas than the virga.

Patti Stanger Claims Gays Can’t Help Being Sex Fiends

Millionaire Matchmaker, Patti Stanger, appeared on Bravo’s Watch What Happens Live and didn’t disappoint. Well, to be fair, she did disappoint the host, Andy Cohen, and untold millions of gays across the country, but she didn’t disappoint her parents.

Stanger made it a point to make sure everyone who didn’t know anything about the gay lifestyle was brought up to date on every gay stereotype she could cram into the half hour show, including the one about gays being sex fiends.

“My mom and dad were horrified to find out I was doing matchmaking for gays,” said Stanger when asked what made her start including gays in her Millionaire’s Club. “I just wanted to include everyone, even those who I knew were going to be trouble from the beginning,” she said, referring to her monogamous rule. “Those gay boys just can’t keep their pee pees in their pants,” said Stanger pointing to her vagina then Cohen’s crotch, apologizing. “And,” she said, “they give me a meshuga headache.”

When Cohen (who is openly gay) told Stanger that he actually was looking for a monogamous relationship, Stanger told him, “Yeah, Andy, like I’m gonna believe you. All Jewish men lie.”

Cohen knew he’d be sorry for asking but he went ahead and asked Stanger why her parents were so afraid of her trying to fix gay men and women up with each other. “Oh that,” said Stanger, “they thought I was gonna catch you-know-what.”

“What?” said Cohen? “Gayness?”

At one point Cohen’s eyes rolled so far up into his head that they had to pause the “live” button, take Cohen back stage and allow his eyes to roll back down on their own.

“We were very scared when that happened,” said a stage crew member. “This had never happened before.” Cohen was later asked what happened and he said “I don’t know. I think I just had my share of incredulous and I couldn’t control my eyeballs anymore.” Cohen then pleaded with the producers “Please, don’t make me interview Patti Stanger ever again. She’s just a whack job, and I don’t mean that in a sexual way, at all.”

Stanger has since apologized for her comments about gays and Jews on the show and has even invited to help match Andy Cohen with one of her gay/Jewish Millionaire Club members. Cohen was rushed to the emergency room, this time because his eyes wouldn’t come back down on their own.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Herman Cain’s ‘Free Pizza for Votes’ Campaign Big Success in Florida

Republican Presidential candidate Herman Cain is on cloud nine after winning the Florida Straw Poll by a wide margin. “Cain’s 37% beat Rick Perry by a mile,” said Zelda Hoppingale, of Hallandale, Florida. Hoppingale, 36, traveled with a group of fellow Tea Party delegates to Orlando, Florida for the Fox televised debate on Thursday and stayed over to catch the results of the straw poll.

“We like Perry and all,” said Hoppingale, “you know, cause he’s cute and all. But when we heard that Herman Cain was giving out free pizzas if we voted for him, well that clinched the deal, especially since I just lost my job and used every last cent I had traveling over to Orlando to see the debate.”

Hoppingale’s friend, Marge Schuster was a bit less enthusiastic. “I was all for this trip at first,” said Marge, “but on Friday night, we went to the Hess gas station near where we were staying and gave them our coupon for a free personal-size Godfather pizza. I gotta tell ya, even for free pizza, the stuff was pretty bad.” Schuster would not disclose who she voted for in the straw poll.

“I know I was supposed to vote for that Herman Cain guy,” she said, “but something in the pit of my stomach (she laughed) made me go for a non-pizza gifting candidate.”Asked once more who it was that  got her vote, Shuster said, “I’m not really sure of his name but I do know that he’s the one with a big fat Tiffany’s account.”

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Sarah Palin Denies Having the Hots for Jesus as a Teen

John the Baptist(Poster Hanging On Sarah Palin's Wall
as a Teen)

In his newly released book Deer in the Headlights: My Life in Sarah Palin’s Crosshairs, Levi Johnston doesn’t pull any punches. Johnston paints an even uglier picture of the woman that would someday be President of the United States than writer Joe McGinnis in his book The Rogue: Searching for the Real Sarah Palin.

Palin has come out swinging on both guys as she hotly contests the contents of each book, calling both authors flat-out liars.

Zeroing in on Johnston, Palin categorically denied she had the hots for Jesus as a teen. Appearing at a recent fundraiser held by the Christian Crusaders Coalition of Cackleberry, South Carolina, Palin remarked on this particular claim.

“Sure, like all my Christian girlfriends, I thought he was pretty cute,” she said of Jesus, “and I have to say that John the Baptist was ruggedly handsome in an Alaskan wilderness sort of way. But saying I had a crush on Jesus, well, that’s just going a bit far.” Palin did admit, however, that instead of hanging the usual pop idol posters in her bedroom during her teen years, her walls were plastered with photos of Jesus and John the Baptist.

“Oh goodness no, it wasn’t because they had long hair and beards and looked like Kenny Loggins,” said Palin. “They were just good saintly men who just happened to have a heapin’ helpin’ of handsomeness.”

Palin did claim that she tried like heck to get her husband, Todd, to grow his hair long when they started dating. “It was a no go,” she said. “I had to settle for Todd looking more like Robert Goulet than Jesus.”

Additional Fine Wipes Smug-Ass Look off Casey Anthony’s Face

Friday was a good day for justice as the same judge who, just a week earlier, imposed a fine on Casey Anthony of nearly $100,000, doubled that amount and then some, bringing her debt to society up to $217,000.

The vision of Casey Anthony smiling while being acquitted of a crime most are sure she committed was instantly erased when Judge Belvin Perry heaped an additional $120,000 on the previous fine to pay for investigation costs due to Casey leading law enforcement officers on a wild goose chase. Proving once again that “money talks, bullshit walks.”

“She ain’t never gonna be able to pay that back,” said Casey’s mother, who informed reporters that the Mexican sugar daddy who previously offered to take Casey in and make her his whore, reneged on the deal upon hearing of the additional fine. “He says the drug trade is good in Mexico, but he could have two whores for that price,” she sighed deeply.

Even the money Anthony was offered to appear in the movie Trailer Trash Nymphos won’t be enough to cover her debts. Her father is afraid Casey will have to again resort to lies and theft to get the money.

“There is no doubt in my mind that my little princess can come up with that kind of cash,” said Casey’s daddy, disagreeing with his less-hopeful wife, “but she’s gonna have to work a lot harder on her body if she wants to do any more film work.”

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Vegetarians Produce Cuter Babies According to New Study

Preliminary results of a new study reported this week in the American Journal of Pediatric Studies indicates babies born to vegetarian parents have a much better chance of being cute than those born to parents who eat meat.

The study was based on observations by Nancy Callahan, a nurse for more than 40 years, who has noticed over the past decade or so that certain babies being born in the neonatal unit of her hospital were exceptionally cute. “We’re not talking average, run-of-the-mill, chubby cheeks cute,” says Callahan, “we’re talking Gerber babies here.”

Callahan claims she also noted that babies born to parents who regularly ate meat, especially fast food hamburgers, tended to produce an uglier baby. “People I’ve talked to have taken exception to my views,” said Callahan. “They tell me there is no such thing as an ugly baby, but I have to tell them that I’ve seen babies so ugly even the hospital photographers have made excuses not to take their pictures for fear it will break their camera lens.”

Callahan claims she’s half-way joking about that last part, but uses it to make her point, and the study results corroborate Callahan’s personal observations. One reason researchers say vegetarians are more likely to produce cuter babies is that a mother’s diet consisting of organic fruits, vegetables and grains helps the babies develop a healthier glow in the womb. When born, babies with vegetarian parents have better skin tone, more advanced bone structure and happier facial expressions, while babies born to mothers who maintain a fast food and bacon diet have a tendency to come out looking like little Bubbas who unfortunately pass an abnormal amount of gas.

“The saying, ‘you are what you eat’ certainly translates in the maternity ward,” says Callahan, who is delighted to know that she was pretty much on the money all those years when, without even looking at a mother’s chart she could tell who the vegans were and who was more likely to be craving a whopper and a beer upon being released from the hospital with her little bundle of joy.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Joneses Claim Neighbors are No Longer Keeping up with Them

Last month, the Joneses of Jonesboro, Arkansas bought an HDTV refrigerator, leased a new 2012 Lexus, and bought the latest Sony Vaio laptops for their three school-age children. The Joneses have been buying things like this for at least the last fifteen years and could always rely on their neighbors to buy similar products in order to keep up with them.

But this month, not one neighbor rushed out to buy any of the new items purchased by Fred or Emily Jones, and Fred says it is quite unsettling.

“I’m starting to think that the economists are onto something when they report that we may be entering into a double-dip recession,” said Fred. “Usually, we buy new stuff and before we’ve even taken it out of the box, we see our neighbors either bringing the items home or having them delivered. We even get bonuses in the way of toaster ovens or microwaves from our local appliance stores for being able to spur our neighbors into competing with us for bigger and better things.”

The neighbors were asked what was going on—why they were no longer trying to keep up with the Joneses. Fred’s next door neighbor, Sam, who, by the way, has always been a very good neighbor, said that while he couldn’t speak for everyone, he, personally just couldn’t keep up with the Joneses any longer since losing his job over eight months ago.

“Don’t get me wrong,” said Sam, “I loved getting a new car every year, a new refrigerator every couple of years, and a bigger and better big-screen TV as soon as the technology changed.” But Sam says not having two incomes has severely curtailed his spending habits.

Sam did say that he believes the Joneses may not be the trendsetters in his neighborhood much longer either as he’s heard rumors that Fred may lose his job due to his company shipping all their management positions overseas. “Looks like the times are a changing,” said Sam. “Instead of us keeping up with the Joneses, I’m betting more and more folks in India will soon be able to keep up with the Guptas.”

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Rick Perry Invites Jewish Business Leaders to His Home for Real Texas BBQ

Here is yet another reason why politicians who only have state governing experience should tread lightly when it comes to espousing views on how they would handle foreign policy. Case in point, Rick Perry today met with Jewish business leaders in New York.

After taking a few public swings at President Obama on his (Obama’s) policy on Israel, Perry then sat down for lunch at a local Jewish deli and had a more intimate conversation with several business leaders. Unfortunately, it went downhill from there.

Perry ordered a Pastrami on Rye with mustard and raved about the taste. “I swear to God, that is who you folks pray to right? I swear to God, you folks make a mean pork roast, but I gotta tell ya, the pork ribs coming off some of my friends’ Texas barbecue grills are to die for.” Perry then invited the men to Texas for some real barbeque.

Perry’s aide rushed to his side and whispered something in Perry’s ear, at which time Perry appeared quite apologetic. “Geez, I’m sorry folks. I thought it was people in India who don’t eat pork. My mistake. How about y’all come out to Texas for some of the best barbecued beef brisket you ever ate? I’m pretty sure we use kosher salt in our marinade.”

Monday, September 19, 2011

Uber Rich Get Their Own Dollar Stores

American Wealth Weekly (AWW) has just announced that a chain of stores based on the Dollar Store model will be opening for the uber rich sometime early next year. For decades, discount stores such as The Dollar Tree and Dollar General have offered its customers cheap knock off products for a dollar or more per item, making them very popular with lower and middle-class shoppers, especially in slower economic times.

It is these slower economic times that are causing other companies to look for ways to serve the uber rich. The mantra of the wealthiest citizens of the United States has always been “If you have to ask how much it costs, you can’t afford it.” However, with tax increases on the horizon, the rich are expecting a break in prices as well, and that is where these new millionaire discount stores hope to fill a marketing niche.

The $100 Dollar Stores, as the chain will be called, will carry knock offs just like their lower income counterparts. The difference is in the quality of the knock offs. We’re talking Versace-like dresses for $100, Rolex-like watches for $100, even jars of Beluga-like caviar for $100. From discount designer evening gowns to high-priced gourmet foods, millionaires will now have a place to buy deeply discounted luxury items.

“Our stores will offer the finer things in life but they won’t cost nearly as much as they would at famous name retailers,” said David Smythe, co-founder of $100 Dollar Stores.

We asked Smythe how he can possibly offer such fine products at the ridiculously low price of $100 each. He told us he does the same thing as say Big Lots or Family Dollar stores.

“We buy in bulk and we buy flawed seconds,” he said. “For instance, we may ask Tiffany’s to sell us all the pearl jewelry they have in stock that may contain flaws. No self-respecting millionairess would pay $10,000 for a flawed necklace, but if you offer it to her for $100, she’ll snatch it up quicker than you can say exquisite,” he laughed.

Asked if the millionaires he’s targeting won’t feel a bit embarrassed walking into his store, Smythe laughed. “Oh hell no,” he said.  “I anticipate my stores will be very popular with men who want to impress their wives and mistresses with the finer things in life but are too cheap to buy them at their full retail price.”

Sunday, September 18, 2011

More Americans Interested in How Britney Spears is Dressed than In State of Economy

Recent poll results are in. Stories about Britney Spears dressing like a tramp are trumping stories about people losing their homes big time. “There just isn’t the ‘wow factor’ in a story about foreclosures anymore,” claims a writer for the New York Times. “It’s been done, overdone, in my opinion,” he said “and people are just sick of the whining.”

Meanwhile, stories about Britney Spears wearing skin-tight dresses and launching a new tour is what sells newspapers and ads on the internet claims another reporter who, until recently, was following the political scene in Washington. “People just don’t care if John Boehner and Barack Obama are at each other’s throats anymore,” said Bill Chapman, former Washington Post reporter turned Star Magazine chief correspondent. “But put a story in the paper that Charlie Sheen has reconciled with his family, even if it’s a bald-faced lie, and you can bet that edition will sell out in minutes.”

“In fact,” said Chapman, “just mentioning Charlie Sheen’s name in this article will get more attention than the last three articles about politicians, the poor dying in the streets, or the floods in the northeast combined,” he said.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Potheads Not Happy About Smoking Ban at Austin City Limits Fest

Many of the music lovers headed to the Austin City Limits Music Festival this year are bummed out to find that they won’t be able to light up a doobie while listening to their favorite bands.  Due to severe drought conditions in Austin, there is a smoking ban for the entire festival area.

While pot has never been legal in the State of Texas, Austin is known for its hippie environment and much of the time, pot smoking at music venues has never really been frowned upon by the local authorities.

“They’re just mainly old hippies who simply can’t attend an open-air concert without smoking pot,” said one police officer who has been patrolling Austin streets for three decades. “We just look the other way, normally,” he said. “But this year is different. One spark and the whole place could go up so we have to put the quietus on all those hippies and say no.”

Of course, while a burn ban may put a bit of a damper on the concert goers’ fun, most of the veteran concert goers know how to get around it.

“This happened about ten years ago,” said Grover “Groove-man” Henderson, a transplant from San Francisco’s Haight-Ashbury neighborhood. “Adversity just makes us better, man.” Asked how he’s going to get through three days of concerts without pot. Groove-man laughed. “I been up all night baking with the old lady, man. We have enough brownies to last through Tuesday,” he said as he and his old lady, Sunshine, headed out on their bikes with a loaded picnic basket to catch some tunes.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Top Reason Republicans are Secretly Afraid of Sarah Palin

A new book out by Joe McGinnis entitled The Rogue: Searching for the Real Sarah Palin has everyone from Wasilla to Washington abuzz over the woman who would have everyone think she is most likely the best person in the world to run the United States. But the buzz is not good. Evidently, the book points out very clearly that those closest to Palin are the ones who hate her the most.

According to those Alaskans who know her best, getting Sarah mad is not a smart thing to do. Seems just about every Republican who has come in contact with her knows this, swears she can’t be trusted, and seems to be doing everything in their power to see that she doesn’t run for, or get elected to, the office of President of the United States.

Why? Simple. “She is the epitome of a high school sophomore bitch,” claims one high-ranking Republican who wished to remain anonymous. “Sarah Palin can spread false lies and rumors faster than anyone I’ve ever known and that makes us fellow Republicans very, very nervous.” In fact, those that know her say she puts MCGinnis to shame when it comes to spreading lies and innuendo.

A source close to Palin confirms this tidbit about ‘Sarah the Barracuda.’ “While all of the other Republican candidates are busy boning up on things like American history, current events, even learning how to pronounce unpronounceable names of world leaders, Sarah is doing her homework too, albeit on much different subjects.”

According to the unidentified source, Sarah Palin takes the term ‘boning up’ to a whole new level. “Sarah is rooting around in her opponents’ closets to find skeletons that she can use against them. To her, it’s so much easier to destroy an opponent’s reputation than to have to compete with them intellectually.”

This is exactly what Sarah Palin did when she held public office in Alaska. She destroyed her opponents by filing complaints against them and publicly challenging some of the most loved and respected Republicans in Alaska [see Ted Stevens]. This type of political back-stabbing has put Republicans on high alert and has many working around the clock to scrub any of their own personal records that might remotely hint at impropriety.

While Rick Perry claims he could care less about “some little missy from Wasissy” as he put it, rumor is that Palin is hot on his tail. Palin was recently caught wondering out loud “Don’tcha think that Rick Perry is handsome?” she was overheard saying. “I can’t help but wonder with someone that good lookin’ he must have at least one or two mistresses out there who would just love to tell their side of the story.”

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Michaele Salahi Not Abducted by Aliens After All; She's Just Rocking Out

Michaele Salahi was reported missing by her husband Tareq Salahi on Wednesday when he looked all around their house and couldn’t find her. Her usual lipstick-stained coffee mug with her name on it in gold was not in the kitchen sink, and the bed on her side of the room looked as if it had been slept in but was empty.

Tareq Salahi reported his wife Michaele Salahi missing and told Warren County, Virginia authorities that he thought aliens might be to blame.

“I saw flashing lights in the driveway around 6 a.m.,” said Tareq, “heard the clear humming of an engine that might have been the hum of a spaceship, and the eerie shadows on the wall of a tall, gaunt figure running down the hall.”

Tareq claims that at first, he thought he was dreaming and went back to sleep but when he awoke hours later, Michaele was nowhere to be found.

Tareq assumes it could only have been aliens as Michaele would never leave without telling him exactly where she was going. It was just something they did.

Once the story of her disappearance hit the wires, however, a different explanation emerged. “She went running off with a rock star,” said Michaele’s sister, Ann Coulter. “I mean, really, have you seen Tareq? I wonder why it took her this long to finally ditch his ass.”

Michaele Salahi has been found in Tennessee in the arms of Neal Schon of the band, Journey. When asked if she has anything to say to Tareq, she said “Yeah, I want my coffee mug, oh and Rock On, Dude!” Salahi added, “This is so much cooler than hanging out in the White House.”

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Anderson Cooper Gives In and Asks Kathy Griffin on a Real Date

Friends of both Kathy Griffin and Anderson Cooper were elated when told that Cooper has finally given in to Griffin’s amorous advances and agreed to take her on a date.

“It was the next logical step,” claims Mitzi Moloney, one of Griffin’s closest friends. “After all, Kathy did spend the weekend at Anderson’s house doing everything but humping the furniture to get his attention.”

Cooper’s mother, while not exactly happy about her son’s choice of a date, says she is looking forward to meeting Griffin.

“Oh, I’m not taking Kathy to meet my mother,” said Cooper. “She’s not that kind of girl.”

Asked if seeing Kathy naked is what made him finally give in to Griffin, Cooper replied, “It didn’t hurt.”

Meanwhile, Kathy Griffin is said to be “over the moon” and says she is going to try to be on her best behavior this time. “I almost ran him off with my crazy antics,” said Griffin. “This time I’m gonna play hard to get and stay out of his drawers.”

Michele Bachmann Claims Soul Scrubbing May Someday Cure Gayness

By now, just about everyone has heard rumors about Michele Bachmann’s husband’s attempts to find ways to cure gayness through therapy. While most people believe this simply cannot be done, others are interested in knowing more about another, more secretive, experiment the Bachmanns are involved with through the Fellowship, aka the Family.

The Family is a US-based religious and political organization with deep connections to Washington and it pretty much sets the standard for practicing Christians, telling them what they can and cannot think or believe. With the vast amount of money the Family is putting behind this new secretive research project, many of those involved claim it has more than an 80% chance of success.

Dubbed “Hetero-Soul” the project aims to free gay men and women from the confines of their sexual leanings, help them get rid of their “gay” mannerisms, and help them become more attractive to the opposite sex. But more than that, this program aims to actually go deeper into these individuals’ souls and cleanse them with a process called “soul scrubbing,” a process much like washing the mouth out with soap after a child has uttered curse words.

At a recent fundraiser, Bachmann was asked whether she believed Soul Scrubbing actually worked to erase the gay tendencies of men and women, to which she responded that while the research is in the early stages, i.e. it hasn’t actually been tested on humans (or barbarians as her husband refers to them) yet, she does believe the concept is doable.

In fact, as Michele was giving this interview, Marcus Bachmann was seen leaving the second of several gay bars he planned on frequenting for the evening trying to find test subjects for his Soul Scrubbing. When reporters caught up with him and asked him what he was doing in the company of the gay men, he would only say that he was on a secret mission to save souls.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Pollution in Lake Michigan Forces UFOs to Surface in Record Numbers

Public officials have been at a loss to explain numerous UFO sightings off Illinois’ east coastal area within the last few months. While there are usually one or two sightings reported each month, in the month of July alone, there were 13 sightings, two of which are being studied as serious anomalies.

Judd and Bitzi Gother of Highland Park, Ill were having a late dinner party on their yacht “Got Her Bling” with a few friends when Bitzi claims she looked up into the sky and saw several colored lights spinning at a distance directly above their heads. “It was so freaky.” said Bitzi, “One minute I’m eating my shrimp cocktail and the next, I’m seeing colors. I thought maybe I’d bitten into a bad prawn, haw haw haw haw," she said jokingly.

The Gothers and their guests weren’t the only ones who filed a report that evening. The fact there were so many reports caught the attention of the local chapter of SETI (Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence) to come and investigate. What they found was evidence that there may be hundreds of colonies of extraterrestrial beings living on the floor of Lake Michigan, and possibly one or two other Great Lakes, who have found it necessary to suddenly move to a more desirable location.

“Lake Michigan is polluted,” claims Claire Hudwink, a scientist who, for the past 30 years, has been studying the possibility that alien life does exist under our water systems. “And we are thinking that the stench is just too much for these alien creatures to withstand.”

“Imagine you’re living in a beautiful home of your dreams and someone comes to your house with a semi-tractor trailer full of garbage and dumps it on your front step. You can clean the mess up but you may never get rid of the stench that permeates your yard. This is what these aliens are faced with from our decades of dumping our garbage in various bodies of water in and around the United States.”

Hudwink claims that additional sightings of UFOs hovering over the more pristine bays up around the Arctic Circle may be the same ships that were seen leaving Lake Michigan. “They have the capacity to dive so deep and then hide themselves when they reach the bottom of these bodies of water that we just can’t track them,” said Hudwink. She says the only way we may be able to force them out again would be to stage a large dumping event near Prudhoe Bay and hope we can sniff them out. “Lord knows we have the manpower and the garbage to get the job done,” said Hudwink.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Ellen DeGeneres Files Petition to Change Name to Ellen the Generous

With Christmas just a couple months away, everyone is wondering what Ellen will be giving away this year during her “Twelve Days of Giveaways.” Oh there will certainly be lots of gift cards for everything from fancy chocolates to wine and flowers, not to mention big-screen televisions, iPads and the occasional automobile, but the one thing Ellen wants to give herself is a name change.

A Los Angeles County Court official has leaked the news to the press that Ellen DeGeneres wants to change her name to “Ellen the Generous” to memorialize just how giving a person she is.

While some believe this is a bit of an egotistical move on Ellen’s part, Ellen disagrees. “Hey, how many people do you know who have made it big in this business are willing to give something back to their fans? Not many, I can tell you that,” she said. “I don’t think it is wrong to want to take credit where credit is due in light of the enormous amount of money I’ve spent to get to this point.”

Ellen says that instead of going on her show and tooting her own horn all the time, she thinks she’d like to just let her name say it all. “Ellen the Generous,” she said. “I mean, it’s not like you have to learn any new sounds or anything.” Ellen claims that once the name change is in place the only other thing on her list of to do’s is to find one of those capes with fur (fake of course) around the collar, a big red puffy velvet crown, and a large over-sized throne for her television show stage. “A regal name needs some regal props,” she said.

DeGeneres said that she has advised Oprah to change her name as well. “She’s the one who started this whole gift-giving deal on talk shows.” said Ellen. “I think she deserves a name change as well.”

When asked what she thinks Oprah should change her name to, Ellen noted had an answer almost immediately. “Well that’s a no-brainer,” she said. “It would be Oprah Win Free, duh.”

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Dick Cheney Goes After Santa Claus Next

Dick Cheney claims his new book In My Time is accomplishing exactly what he set out to accomplish, shattering dreams of an idyllic America and pissing people off. “This is a war zone people, and the sooner you get it into your thick heads, the better,” said Cheney at a recent book signing at the local Army Navy Surplus Store in downtown Des Moines, Iowa.

Cheney has received quite a bit of criticism lately from people in his book such as Condoleezza Rice and Gen. Colin Powell for what they consider outright lies about his tenure as Vice President of the United States.

Dressed in fatigues and looking quite a bit more robust than in recent memory, Cheney gave the small crowd gathered a dressing down for not understanding the importance of killing everyone in our path who does not adhere to our strict democratic doctrines.

“We’ve become a nation of ‘givers,’” said Cheney. “Don’t you know that the more you give, the more you create a dependency on yourself?” Cheney said Santa Claus was a good example of a bad example in this regard.

“I don’t know who came up with the idea of some stranger breaking into our homes and leaving stuff behind for kids without them having to work for it, but whoever it was is an idiot,” he proclaimed. “My kids didn’t get Christmas presents and neither do my grandkids. Instead, I wake them up on Christmas morning and make them watch war movies for 12 hours,” said Cheney. “Just ask my grandkids and they can recite the lines from any one of Charlton Heston’s films. Now that guy is a hero and he doesn’t need a belly like a bowlful of jelly to get my respect.”

Friday, September 9, 2011

Could Taking Federal Aid Damage Perry’s Reputation with the Tea Party?

I Said Laugh Dammit
Opionion Page

(See Below)
The Texas wildfires have put Presidential Candidate Governor Rick Perry between a rock and a hard spot. While he’s come out swinging against the federal government saying states should have the ability to govern themselves, if he doesn’t take the federal aid being requested to fight the raging fires in Texas and to make the citizens who are affected by those fires whole, Perry faces a barrage of criticism he wasn’t prepared for.

What to do? What to do? Well, for starters, he could park his ass in Texas and show the people who are losing their homes that he’s here for them.  In addition, he could stop bashing the President and calm down long enough to have a grown-up conversation with him on just what needs are being met by Texas and what needs are going to require federal assistance.

Seeing as Mr. Perry wasn’t really worried about the threat of wildfires a year ago when he signed a bill cutting a spending package for volunteer firefighters across Texas, it doesn’t look like he’s too worried about its citizens either while he jets off to yet another Republican debate. So much for his comment that he's 'more concerned now with the citizens of Texas than he is politics.'

Wonder if he’s got enough time to stop off and buy a new fiddle.

NOTE: Obama has signed Federal Disaster Aid Bill to those suffering from wildfires in Central Texas.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Paranormal Group Explains Evil in Kate Gosselin Home

What began as a routine house cleansing by a local group of paranormal experts called in by Kate Gosselin to rid her home of some negative energy, turned into a blame game between Gosselin and the people trying to help her.

“If you can’t do the job you claim you are capable of, then just say so,” Gosselin reportedly screamed at Joe Heebie, the leader of PAPS (Paranormal and Parapsychic Services) of Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. His partner, Carolyn Jeebies, claims the outburst was a result of Heebie telling Gosselin that he was pretty sure the evil she spoke of in her home was just her kids hiding things from her in order to escape her wrath and that a normal cleansing would not make a difference.

Heebie and Jeebies both claim that the only hint of evil they found in the home is manifested in Kate’s frequent anger tantrums.

“It’s a catch-22 situation,” said Jeebies. “On the one hand, you have all these supposedly scary evil things going on in the house, and to deal with it, Kate gets all angry about it and is nervous and edgy all the time. The negative energy just feeds off Kate, and the cycle repeats itself over and over again.”

Asked what evil things are happening, Heebie says he was told by Gosselin that whole cartons of milk have spilled onto the kitchen floor, mushed peas and other vegetables have been found in corners and the toilets have backed up several times.

When Gosselin was asked if it could just be her children being children, the tense mother lost it. “My children,” she shouted, “are good kids, and I am a mother that loves her children. I wouldn’t do anything to hurt them.”

Heebie says that’s when he decided there was more here than meets the eye and decided to set up some audio/visual equipment around the home to rule out paranormal activity as the cause for the strange things happening in the home.

Once the cameras were rolling, sure enough, Collin Gosselin was captured on film spitting the spinach he was given for dinner out of his mouth toward wall behind him when Kate’s back was turned. When confronted, Collin began crying, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I won’t do it again. The ghost told me to do it.”

After a private sit down with the children, it came out that the toddlers have made up the ghost excuse to tell their mother when they do something wrong so she will vent her anger in the direction of an unseen evil in the home.

Joe Heebie finally confronted Gosselin with the findings telling her that her children have been making up stories about evil beings in the home because they are afraid of telling her the truth and what her reaction might be.

Kate responded: “I send for a frikkin’ priest to rid my house of evil spirits and what do I get? The Heebie Jeebies.”

Kate told the paranormal team to wrap it up and get the hell out of her house but not before she asked “So, is this going to be on television? And if so, when can I expect my check?”

Monday, September 5, 2011

Michele Bachmann Claims God Sometimes Tells Her to Say Stupid Things

Michele Bachmann appeared on CBS’s Face the Nation Sunday to cover her tracks yet again with the familiar line “Of course, that’s not what I meant to say. I was just trying to be funny.” Bachmann was trying to explain away some comments she made last week linking Hurricane Irene and the DC earthquake directly to God’s displeasure with America.

Bachmann is becoming known for her proselytizing on the campaign trail and admits it is becoming a bit of a problem.

“I know I should be able to tell when God is speaking directly through me and when he’s just trying to have a little fun,” said Bachmann. “But honestly, sometimes, as the words are coming out of my mouth I think ‘whoops, God’s pulling another fast one on me,’ but by then, it’s usually too late.”

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Red Rover Game of Choice for Tea Party Republicans

Seriously, a Jobs Bill? That's the best you got?

“Red Rover. Red Rover, send a budget plan right over,” yelled Senator Rand Paul (R-Kentucky) while linking his arms together tightly with his fellow Republican lawmakers to assure that any legislation, good or bad, wouldn’t make it through their barrier.

Washington insiders are saying that with the newly-elected freshman Tea Party legislators comes a whole new game plan.

“Before we were elected,” says Sen. Paul, “the House and Senate were playing one of the oldest games in the book--Chicken. Problem was, with the elections right around the corner, neither side was willing to ‘get run off the road’ for their beliefs.”

Paul claims that the game Chicken, if played right, can be a highly effective tool for producing the changes he feels are needed in Washington. But Paul contends that the “wussy factor” is much higher when politicians play Chicken, especially during an election year.

Now that he and other younger, more determined Republicans have just entered the scene and aren’t facing the threat of losing their jobs anytime soon, Paul says they needed a game that would show the American public just how far they were willing to go in order to get their way in Washington.

“We’re all pretty much willing to up the ante and play a much more serious game,” said Paul, “and out of all the games out there, Red Rover just really clicks with us.”

Paul claims Red Rover was one of his favorite games to play as a young boy growing up in Texas, and he couldn’t be happier that the game has found its way into his adult life.

“There are so many ways you can play Red Rover,” said Paul, who believes the game offers more strategic options than Chicken.

Senator Marco Rubio (R-Florida) agreed wholeheartedly with his teammate.

Rubio claims that he and his colleagues are adamant about standing strong against any legislation that promotes a socialist agenda, but insists at the same time, there are a few instances where it may be necessary to allow one or two small bills through.

“While we’ve all taken a vow to prevent the passing of any legislation that would remotely make President Obama look like an effective leader,” says Rubio, “we also want to pass laws that are going to benefit us as a group, and the game of Red Rover allows us to do that much more effectively than Chicken without anyone calling us a bunch of wussies.”

Saturday, September 3, 2011

John Boehner Hailed as Hero by Wealthiest Americans

John Boehner comes from a working-class background, and he isn’t afraid to let people know that. But what sets Boehner apart from most other working-class politicians is the way he’s taking up the cause of the wealthiest people in America--the folks who have everything they want and more but are treated poorly because of it.

“You may think it’s great to have a load of dough,” said Boehner at a recent Heritage Foundation meeting, “but these fellas go through life having to make their deals in private, meeting in back alleys and not ever knowing who their real friends are. If I hadn’t seen it with my own two eyeballs, I’d never have believed the problems all that money can cause for these guys,” he said.

As much as he wants to help them out, his not being in the same monetary league as them leaves him searching for solutions. “If I could just find a way to feel as wealthy as those who put me in office, I’d have this thing licked,” said Boehner. That is why, when he gets back to Washington after summer break, he is proposing a salary hike for lawmakers.

“We can’t relate to our most faithful constituents unless we have some kind of idea what these fellas are going through,” says Boehner. “While I’m pretty sure I’ll only be able to push through a modest pay increase for myself and my fellow lawmakers, it does send a clear and strong message to the guys at the top that we’re doing our level best to not make them feel like outsiders; that we’ll get there come hell or high water.”

Boehner says millionaires are troubled enough, but billionaires come with their own set of problems and he’s determined to make sure their lives are a little better for knowing him. “That’s why I wanted to get into public office,” says Boehner. “I saw a real gap between the haves and the haves a lot, and the way their problems grew exponentially without any real representation in Congress.”

Boehner says he’ll do everything he can to make sure billionaires catch the same breaks as other folks. “Who knows? They may just wanna go to a regular baseball game, have a regular beer and eat a regular hot dog,” said Boehner. “I’m joking of course,” laughed Boehner. “They’d much rather be golfing.”

Friday, September 2, 2011

Labor Day Cancelled

Due to America’s unusually high rate of unemployment, this is the first year since Labor Day became a federal holiday in 1894 that no workers will be taking the holiday off regardless of whether or not their employers are telling them to do so.

The lucky stiffs who actually have jobs are reluctant to take a day off for fear their position will be snatched up by the people they’ve been told “are waiting in line to take your job if you don’t want it.”

That, coupled with the fact that labor unions are no longer a threat to companies in America as they no longer wield the power they once did over employers to demand they give their employees the day off, the Labor Day holiday has pretty much become obsolete.

As a result of the federal holiday being cancelled, Labor Day sales across America have been cancelled as well. Subsequently, most stores that traditionally put summer items on sale during this time have actually raised their prices by as much as 20%. One of the largest retailers in America, Wal-mart, claims that they’ve had to temporarily remove their company icon, the yellow smiley face, as it is no longer indicative of how their customers feel about their prices.

“All in all, Labor Day this year and on a go-forward basis has been cancelled,” said U.S. Labor Secretary Hilda Solis, “so get over it. Now, everyone back to work,” she said jokingly.