Ghost of Reagan Appears; Apologizes for Trickle Down Economics

It is said that Ronald Reagan haunts the White House, and a visitor to the stately home has come forward to bring a message from Reagan beyond the grave.

"He says he's sorry for advocating trickle-down economics, and if he was President today, he would never have let his wealthy friends convince him of such a stupid policy in the first place," says Lucy Landers, a 7th grade Social Studies teacher from Grand Rapids, Michigan.

Landers was taking part in a White House tour with her 7th graders when she felt an icy spirit haunted by his own policies approach her.

"I felt as if I was transported back in time to the 80s; the 1980s to be exact. I knew I was face-to-face with the Gipper, because he kept expecting me to recognize his characters from movies, but I've never seen anything he was in.

"He told me the message he'd tried desperately to get through to our side since his death," said the teacher.

"Of course, I immediately asked him, 'why now?' and he said the gatekeepers up there won't let him pass into higher realms until he fixes what he messed up. Says he keeps trying to fix it, but all they ever do down here is misquote him and blame him for stuff he didn't do. He said it is driving him nuts. And eternity is a long time to be driven nuts."

Independent reports confirm multiple sightings of the deceased President since his 2004 demise, but witnesses chalked it up to an undigested bit of beef, a blot of mustard, or a crumb of cheese. Others described it as having taken place following "a night out with lobbyists, so [he] was still pretty high at the time."

When asked if she could state verbatim what the ghost of Reagan said, she gave us this:

"He said, 'I really let the American people down. My economic plan was written by and for the wealthy, and haunting America's wasteland today, I can see how wrong it was, and I'm sorry for that."

Miss Landers then said Reagan's message got a bit garbled.

" He said something about garbanzo beans and monkeys, blah, blah, blah, 'did it for all the wrong reasons,'  blah, blah, blah...is the best I can remember of what he said," claims Landers.

As the story broke, MSNBC News commentator, Chris Matthews was quick to call it a lie.

"I've met with the ghost of Reagan many times at the White House, and, contrary to popular belief, especially the belief of many of my book critics, [Matthews had a new book out this past Christmas entitled Tip and the Gipper], all he ever told me was..wait I've got it right here in my notes, hang on a sec...here it is and Reagan said...'quit following me around you little O'Neill stoolie, or I'll punch you right in the...', wait, wait," said Matthews, "that's not what he said, I swear."

Joneses Claim Neighbors are No Longer Keeping up with Them

Last month, the Joneses of Jonesboro, Arkansas bought an HDTV refrigerator, leased a new 2012 Lexus, and bought the latest Sony Vaio laptops for their three school-age children. The Joneses have been buying things like this for at least the last fifteen years and could always rely on their neighbors to buy similar products in order to keep up with them.

But this month, not one neighbor rushed out to buy any of the new items purchased by Fred or Emily Jones, and Fred says it is quite unsettling.

“I’m starting to think that the economists are onto something when they report that we may be entering into a double-dip recession,” said Fred. “Usually, we buy new stuff and before we’ve even taken it out of the box, we see our neighbors either bringing the items home or having them delivered. We even get bonuses in the way of toaster ovens or microwaves from our local appliance stores for being able to spur our neighbors into competing with us for bigger and better things.”

The neighbors were asked what was going on—why they were no longer trying to keep up with the Joneses. Fred’s next door neighbor, Sam, who, by the way, has always been a very good neighbor, said that while he couldn’t speak for everyone, he, personally just couldn’t keep up with the Joneses any longer since losing his job over eight months ago.

“Don’t get me wrong,” said Sam, “I loved getting a new car every year, a new refrigerator every couple of years, and a bigger and better big-screen TV as soon as the technology changed.” But Sam says not having two incomes has severely curtailed his spending habits.

Sam did say that he believes the Joneses may not be the trendsetters in his neighborhood much longer either as he’s heard rumors that Fred may lose his job due to his company shipping all their management positions overseas. “Looks like the times are a changing,” said Sam. “Instead of us keeping up with the Joneses, I’m betting more and more folks in India will soon be able to keep up with the Guptas.”

Tax Cuts Will Allow Average Americans to Own Luxury Vehicles

Car makers across the board are reporting hikes in recent sales, with higher-end models doing their fair share of business as well. So it is no surprise that with the news that the Bush tax cuts will most likely be extended, corporate head honchos are placing their orders for luxury new vehicles for themselves and family members.

Lest we think the tax cuts will only benefit Ritchie Rich, however, let’s try and understand how the purchase of new luxury vehicles will benefit the rest of Americans. A lesson in trickle-down is in order.

Since everyone is going to get a tax break come 2011, Joe Average, who is hoping to get his job back at Howdy-Do Burgers, will soon be in the market for a used vehicle. Mr. Rich just happens to finally be able to trade in his 20-year old second car, a Mercedes, (which has only a few minor mechanical problems) for a 2012 model. As luck would have it, both Mr. Rich and Mr. Average are visiting the same Mercedes-Benz dealership on the same day. Mr. Average, of course, not seriously looking and more in a dream-like state, but Mr. Rich there to wheel and deal. At the end of the day, Mr. Rich is in a new model and well, Mr. Average is putt-putting his way home in his dream car.

The trickle-down economics theory doesn’t have to be that complicated. The extension of the tax breaks will get America back on its feet and ultimately, it is the neighborhood car mechanic who is really going to make out in the upcoming economic boom. 

Now where did he put that 2012 Mercedes-Benz catalogue?