X-Fluents Surpass Uber Rich as the Wealthiest People on Earth

They once were called the Uber Rich, the 1 or 2% of the country’s population who possess the bulk of the nation’s wealth. However, many of the wealthiest Americans have held onto so much of their money that they are now known as the X-Fluents.

“They have money coming out of their ears,” claims one financial advisor who refused to give his name. “I can’t come up with enough ways to help them spend it,” he said as he took a phone call from a client asking him to buy two dozen pair of mating minks for the sole purpose of having a coat made as a special Christmas gift for her prized Shih Tzu, Bianca.

Another of the wealthiest in the world, Countess Dorothy de von Schtook, a New York City socialite, was recently spotted alongside her chauffer testing out the new Aston Martin One-77. “Oh dahling, I simply must have at least a week’s worth of these divine Astons for my collection,” said the Countess as she asked the salesperson to “put it on my account, dear.”

Saul Goldenschwanger, a billionaire who made his fortune in the real estate and oil business, said that although he agrees the label of Uber Rich must go, he hates the fact that he will have to spend extra money on having the name on his yacht “Miss Uber Rich” re-painted. “I have no idea if the name X-Fluent is available or if it is even an appropriate name for a sea-going vessel,” said a flustered Goldenschwanger. “I do so hate these minor inconveniences.”

Fortunately, the media has already caught on to the change so that those affected won’t be offended. In fact, Goldenschwanger said he didn’t really care what they called him, “just don’t call me late for dinner,” he mused, proving that he wasn’t really all that upset after all about having his yacht re-christened.

Real Reason Uber Rich are Hoarding the World’s Wealth

Walk-In Closet Prototype for The Closet Space Station

Turn on any news channel these days, especially the liberal, left-leaning ones and you will see a panel of analysts trying to figure out what is behind the enormous shift in wealth over the past two decades. Where is the greed coming from, and why has Middle America vanished?

Most chalk it up to just that, greed; however, according to a secret manifesto recently found in the document chamber of an ultra-secret society known as The Closet, the money is being hoarded and used to build a second space station whose sole purpose is to house the fortunate members of the society once the real Apocalypse is upon us. A date no one is now sure of since the Mayans let us down.

The manifesto was found by a private undercover investigator who infiltrated The Closet as a supposed multi-billionaire from Greece. Gaining confidence by flashing money wherever he went and buying several Maseratis in various colors last year, the spy became a member of the inner circle and quickly gained access to documents only the very privileged of the privileged were privy to.

No more is known about the PI; however, it is deemed possible that he was hired by another member of The Closet who was not a member of the inner circle and who needed the information to find out where to show up once the Apocalypse was upon us to travel to the space station his billions were going toward building.

Known only as Mr. G, the billionaire has admitted that money is changing hands faster and faster among the uber rich to finance this project, but so far, no plans have emerged as to when the space station will be finished, what it will look like, and more importantly, how large each billionaire’s space on said station will be. 

It has been reported that private companies interested in taking over NASA space stations are already on the scene trying to solve this problem. While Americans are being told that the recent satellite launchings from Cape Canaveral are being funded by other countries to beef up their telecommunications businesses, the truth may be hidden within The Closet’s secret manifesto. More space for the billionaires.

“If I don’t get at least 4,000 sq. ft. for me and my immediate heirs, the deal is off,” according to Mr. G, who spoke on the condition that his statement would not be made public, which, of course, is now another problem The Closet must face. 4,000 sq. ft. per billionaire would make it impossible for the builders unless there is more money to fund the project.

That is where the wealth of the world comes in. By taking as much as they can through corporate holdings and jimmying the “market,” it might just be possible to pull off the square footage needed to keep the billionaires happy, as long as not too many more self-made billionaires pop onto the scene in the next few years, which is highly possible due to the lax governmental controls allowing such rapacity to continue. 

Rumors are circulating that huge amounts of dollars are being systematically withdrawn from offshore holding accounts which, according to reports, are at an all-time high of over 1.5 trillion dollars, more than enough to build a few 4,000 sq. ft. condos in space.

According to the secret plans, the only other big issue holding up the project is how to get billionaires to eat MRE’s (meals ready to eat) once aboard the space station. Evidently, caviar does not reconstitute well when constituted.

Mark Zuckerberg Begs Businesses to Quit Giving Him Free Stuff

Ever since Mark Zuckerberg joined the ranks of the uber rich, he’s been receiving free offers from businesses across the economic spectrum. From free Crazy Combos® for life from Little Caesars to brand new top-of-the-line stainless steel appliances for his kitchen, Zuckerberg can’t seem to stop the flow of free merchandise to his home.


The latest bargain Zuckerberg received was a sweet financing deal from his bank--a 1.05% refinancing rate on the mortgage for his home in Palo Alto, California. While many Americans are struggling to get a half-way decent refinancing rate just in order to keep their homes out of foreclosure, Zuckerberg is the recipient of one of the lowest rates ever to be given to a homeowner. But the refinance rate and all the other goodies he’s received do not come without a hefty price.


Zuckerberg has been receiving threatening calls on his cell phone that have left him and his wife a bit baffled and bewildered. Many of us would believe the phone calls are coming from poor people who are sick and tired of being charged premium rates while the rich get away with record low deals, but that couldn’t be further from the truth.


In actuality, the calls are coming from some of the richest people in the country. Evidently, Zuckerberg is the victim of ‘free luxury-item envy,’ a very real occurrence in the wealthiest of circles. News of the low interest rate (possibly the lowest to ever be offered to a rich guy) has other business magnates green with envy.


Upon hearing the news of the record low rate Zuckerberg received, Donald Trump, who has never been offered an interest rate lower than 2.875% in all the years he’s been buying up real estate, was said to be furious. 


“Since when does some little startup punk get a better interest rate than me?” asked Trump when told of Zuckerberg’s good fortune. But when he realized the refinance rate was adjustable, Trump settled down. 


“Well, then, why didn’t you say so in the first place? That’s a whole different story,” said Trump, who claims he’s locked in at 3.75% on most of his properties. 


“Don’t look at me like I’m an idiot,” said Trump. “It’s a fixed rate. Thirty-year fixed. Just wait’ll the interest rates start climbing again. Then we’ll see who’s the smart guy.”


Meanwhile, Zuckerberg can’t take it, or in this case, receive it, anymore and is begging the businesses to please stop sending him free stuff. 


“You are going to get me killed,” Zuckerberg was overheard telling an Aston Martin dealer in Palo Alto after offering him (Zuckerberg) a vintage automobile worth a small fortune, free of charge, no strings attached.  Zuckerberg’s Japanese gardener, who has yet to convince Zuckerberg he doesn’t want any pay for the work he does at Zuckerberg’s estate, claims he overhears a lot of the phone calls and believes that Zuckerberg is, indeed, scared to answer the phone anymore.


“He told me right after he got the mortgage reduced, he said ‘Kim Lee, you don’t know how hard it is being rich.’ I told him ‘Yes, Mr. Z, maybe not, but if you want me to take your place, you just ask, boss.  I’ll do it for nothing.’”

Uber Rich Get Their Own Dollar Stores

American Wealth Weekly (AWW) has just announced that a chain of stores based on the Dollar Store model will be opening for the uber rich sometime early next year. For decades, discount stores such as The Dollar Tree and Dollar General have offered its customers cheap knock off products for a dollar or more per item, making them very popular with lower and middle-class shoppers, especially in slower economic times.

It is these slower economic times that are causing other companies to look for ways to serve the uber rich. The mantra of the wealthiest citizens of the United States has always been “If you have to ask how much it costs, you can’t afford it.” However, with tax increases on the horizon, the rich are expecting a break in prices as well, and that is where these new millionaire discount stores hope to fill a marketing niche.

The $100 Dollar Stores, as the chain will be called, will carry knock offs just like their lower income counterparts. The difference is in the quality of the knock offs. We’re talking Versace-like dresses for $100, Rolex-like watches for $100, even jars of Beluga-like caviar for $100. From discount designer evening gowns to high-priced gourmet foods, millionaires will now have a place to buy deeply discounted luxury items.

“Our stores will offer the finer things in life but they won’t cost nearly as much as they would at famous name retailers,” said David Smythe, co-founder of $100 Dollar Stores.

We asked Smythe how he can possibly offer such fine products at the ridiculously low price of $100 each. He told us he does the same thing as say Big Lots or Family Dollar stores.

“We buy in bulk and we buy flawed seconds,” he said. “For instance, we may ask Tiffany’s to sell us all the pearl jewelry they have in stock that may contain flaws. No self-respecting millionairess would pay $10,000 for a flawed necklace, but if you offer it to her for $100, she’ll snatch it up quicker than you can say exquisite,” he laughed.

Asked if the millionaires he’s targeting won’t feel a bit embarrassed walking into his store, Smythe laughed. “Oh hell no,” he said.  “I anticipate my stores will be very popular with men who want to impress their wives and mistresses with the finer things in life but are too cheap to buy them at their full retail price.”