Procrastination Not Covered Under Affordable Care Act

Shirley Blessfield has been putting off getting an insurance policy under the Affordable Care Act (or ACA). She claims that she had every intention of getting a policy as soon as they were put on the market, but because of circumstances beyond her control, time is now quickly running out.

"First I got the flu," she said. "Then my husband and kids got the flu, and well, it was one thing after another," she said apologetically. Shirley blames her procrastination on her thinking for so many years that health insurance just wasn't affordable, even though she has heard from friends, as well as her co-workers and her church pastor that wasn't the case.

"Oh, I've got a million and one reasons why I haven't yet gotten the 'insurance thingie' taken care of," she said, and then wondered out loud "Hmmm, wonder if procrastination is covered under the ACA," hoping that might just buy her some more time.

Unfortunately, it isn't, and it won't, Shirley. According to most psychologists, the underlying causes of procrastination are largely mental, and as such, are not covered under most major medical insurance or even standard health insurance policies. Unless, of course, you can prove that the procrastination caused a stress-related illness, such as a severe case of hives or even a nervous tic.

This was something Shirley had not considered, as she ran to the mirror to take a look at her left eye.

"There, can you see it?" she said pointing to the outer corner of her left eyebrow.

"Just thinking about getting my family signed up for insurance before midnight tonight, has that sucker going a mile a minute," she said excitedly.

Sure enough, Shirley Blessfield's eye was going cattywompus (not a recognized medical term), and was causing her to twist her head sideways in order to see herself properly in the mirror.

Unfortunately, for Shirley, it was a catch-22. She has the condition that may very well be covered under a plan, but for the fact that she hasn't signed up for a plan, which has caused the condition, well, it's like a mirror, facing a mirror, facing a mirror which made this reporter's head hurt so badly that she barely made it to press in time for this story to print on the very last day to sign up for insurance, which coincidentally could very well have been written a week, even months in advance, had it not been for one small detail...procrastination.

Speaker of the House Replaced with Bellyacher of the House

Today, on Face the Nation with Cindy Crowley, John Boehner announced that he was giving up his gavel to Ted Cruz. Boehner says that Cruz has been running the show for a while now behind the scenes and is accomplishing much more that he (Boehner) has, so “why not?” in Boehner’s words.

“Besides, I’ve been missing getting outdoors and playing golf before the weather turns cold,” said Boehner, not realizing the irony in that last figurative statement as it applies to the present fight on Capitol Hill.

“Thank Goodness, Ted (Cruz) has agreed to take things over,” continued Boehner.

Boehner, not usually known for his sense of humor, even gave Cruz a new name, replacing Speaker of the House with Bellyacher of the House.

“It is much more appropriate in Representative Cruz’ case,” said Boehner. “I mean, you can’t deny the fact that he has complained more than any Representative we’ve had in office in recent memory, besides maybe Michele Bachmann.”

When asked why Boehner didn’t hand the gavel over to Bachmann, then, due to her seniority, Boehner replied, “Because she only whines to the media. It is almost impossible to get her to speak on the floor, partially because she was raised that women have their place, and they don’t speak down to men, be they members of her own party or Democrats, and mainly because she knows we think she’s batshit crazy.”

Asked what Boehner’s thoughts are on exactly why Ted Cruz has decided to hold the country’s economy hostage over his fight on Obamacare, Boehner, once again showing his typical equivocation on the issues, replied, “Oh is that what this is about? I thought it was just an ego thing. My bad.”

This is Obamacare on Koch

A host of new television ads backed by a group known as Generation Opportunity, which is funded in part by the Koch Brothers, are being aimed toward young Americans in the hopes of scaring them enough that they choose to opt out of buying insurance under the Affordable Care Act.

Since I can't write anything remotely funny about this, I thought I'd just post the site and let you decide yourselves if we have finally reached the tipping point between sane and insane when it comes to debating serious issues like affordable health care in America.

WARNING: May cause choking. Do not eat or drink anything while viewing these videos.

http://optout.org/

Obama Praises Papa John’s For Threatening to Raise Pizza Prices

The CEO and founder of Papa John’s Pizza, John Schnatter, has recently come out against Obamacare, declaring that if the President’s plan to provide affordable healthcare to every person in America is not repealed, the price of his pizzas are going to go up.

For pizza lovers, this isn’t the best news. For a President and his wife who have spent a good part of the past four years trying to convince people that their diets are killing them, this news couldn’t be better.

Upon hearing the news about rising pizza prices at one of the nation’s top pizza joints, Obama had this to say, “Thank you Papa John’s. You finally get it. Pizza is about one of the worst things an overweight person can put into their body, unless, of course, they are chowing down on some Buffalo chicken wings or cheese sticks. By making your food more expensive and thereby less accessible to the general population, you are going to save us millions in health care costs.”

What really makes this a win-win for Obama is the fact that once Papa John’s raises its prices, other large pizza chains are sure to follow, not necessarily because they agree with Schnatter’s reasons for raising his prices, but simply because that is how American capitalism works.

Along those lines, Obama took the opportunity to turn a negative response to his health initiative into a positive by egging on the CEOs of the entire fast food industry. 

“I’m asking all you other fast food joints out there who might have a problem with my health care initiative to please raise your prices. Let’s get rid of the burgers, fried chicken, French fries and other unhealthy choices, because by doing so,” he said, “we could very well see obesity wiped out during my next term as President.”

Mystery Solved! Chief Justice John Roberts Has a Conscience After All

As the pundits go crazy trying to figure out just what made a very conservative Supreme Court Justice place a very un-conservative decision into President Obama’s lap, one man thinks he may have the answer.

Mark Drager, Chief Psychologist at the Markham College of Psychiatry in Durham, North Carolina, had this to say on MSNBC late Tuesday evening, “Judge Roberts obviously has developed a conscience.”

Manifesting a conscience where none seemed to exist, especially later in life, is extremely rare according to Drager.

“Usually, you are either born with one, or you aren’t, but developing a conscience in the true sense of the word, i.e. having the ability to feel empathy toward your fellow human beings and understanding the implications in order to do good in the world is so rare that before this ruling, we never even had an inkling it could be accomplished.”

Roberts is on his way to Malta for some much needed privacy. Sources close to the Chief Justice claim that the whole flip-flop thing has him as baffled as everyone else.

“From what I understand,” said David Arnett, one of the justice’s law clerks, “Judge Roberts was so confused that at one point he had me writing rulings both for the mandate and against the mandate, saying he’d figure out which one sounded better to him before the official decision was due.”

No one was more surprised to hear Roberts’ ruling than his wife, Jane Sullivan, who claims that when her husband got up in the morning to go into work, he didn’t change his routine a bit.

“Nothing was amiss to indicate that Johnny was going to do anything other than what we’d talked about, i.e. striking down Obamacare,” she said.

“I asked him about the ruling, how it was going to go, and smiled that knowing smile because we’d always known it was his intention to kill the law,” said Sullivan.

“If I didn’t know better,” she concluded, “I’d almost think that the aliens have finally landed and somewhere out there is my real husband. Either that, or he’s taken up playing with Etch-a-Sketches too.”