Yes, folks, it's that time of year again when the famous
Psychic to the stars, Crystal Ball, gives us a peek into the future. This time,
she is narrowing her predictions down to the music and entertainment industry.
Ball claims that twerking (the sexually provocative dance craze sweeping the
nation--at least the part of the nation that dwells in trailer parks) will,
once again, dominate music headlines.
So, without further adieu, here are Crystal Ball's
predictions for the top ten stories of 2014:
1. Twerking
will be added as a new category on the hit reality television series, Dancing With the Stars, and as such, the
only celebrities who will agree to perform will include Brittany Spears, Perez
Hilton, and several members of the Cyrus family. The gamble taken by the
producers of the show on this decision will prove costly as it will spell the
end of one of the best reality series on television.
2. A tiny,
four-year-old singing sensation from Boulder, Colorado, will win top prize on America's Got Talent with her adorable
rendition of "Twinkle, Twinkle, Widdle Star."
3. A
completely re-vamped Soul Train will
begin production in early 2014 with hit pop star, Justin Bieber at the helm. The
show will prove to be a humongous flop and producers will end up issuing a
public apology to the family of the original Soul Train host, the late great Don Cornelius, for making such a
bone-headed decision to hand over the reins of the show to a white kid from
Canada. The new show will air only three episodes before slowly fading into
obeliebion.
4. An
inebriated Billy Ray Cyrus will confront Robin Thicke early in January at a swanky
Los Angeles night club and accuse Thicke of not getting properly aroused when
Cyrus' daughter, Miley, twerked him during the 2013 VMA awards. Thicke has
repeatedly denied not getting aroused and will eventually shake hands with
Cyrus and assure him that in the future when being twerked by Miley, he will
not only get aroused but will also take her on the spot to prove the nubile
performer is worthy of a romp.
5. Richard Simmons gets in on the twerking craze by announcing yet another new exercise video entitled "Twerking to the Oldies."
6. Denver,
Colorado will become the next largest music capital of the world as the first
of the year sees the recreational use of marijuana legalized in that state.
Musicians no longer feeling the need to hide their consumption on and off the
stage will flock to Denver as their most favorite place to make music. Los
Angeles and New York City will see a precipitous fall in celebrity residency
forcing mayors of those cities to petition their governors to allow a
referendum on legalizing the recreational use of the drug in their states as
well in order to retain their fair share of the music business.
7. Abbey
Lee Miller, the extremely overweight dance instructor in the reality television
series, Dance Moms, will pull a
hamstring while showing her "girls" how to twerk. The episode in
question will have the teen dancers twerking on young teen boys dressed like
Robin Thicke, but will have to be scrapped after Miller falls on one of the boy
dancers causing him serious harm.
8. Kate
Gosselin (remember her?) will try auctioning off her hair extensions to keep
her and the kids out of hock until she can find another television gig or can
sell another book about her once-glamorous life as a TV mom. Rumors will
circulate that Kate and Jon (remember him?) will be asked to do a re-make of
the 60s hit television series The Brady
Bunch, if the Gosselins agree to give up two of their children.
9. Lady Gaga and Taylor Swift tie for first place
for women with most grudges held against them and decide to start a feud
between themselves to even the score even more.
10. Charlie
Sheen will change his name back to Carlos Estevez, leave television for good,
and run for the office of Mayor of Los Angeles. He'll win by a landslide but
soon thereafter will be kicked out of office after it is learned that he bribed
voters in the poorest sections of the city with booze and cigarettes.
11. Americans
will be tired of the word twerking by 12:01 a.m. January 1, 2014.
