Ed. Note: This is a re-write of a story that ran back in 2012
MUSKEGON, MI - The Meek, who are mentioned a couple of times in the Bible as the heirs to Earth*, have finally had enough of their un-meek counterparts, i.e. the Sinners, and are close to having God grant their request to take their inheritance early instead of waiting until their Heavenly Father dies.
Due to the calamitous rise in wars, rumors of wars, greed, and a general degradation of humankind in general, the Meek have determined it is time to act now, not later.
“Oh, we could continue to lay down like lambs and/or turn the other cheek,” said Helen Moussey, head of the Muskegon Meek Society. “But honestly, we’ve been doing that for what seems an eternity, and so far, it isn't working for us."
Once God gives them the go-ahead, which they believe should be in a day or so, a mandate will be issued forcing all troublemakers, especially the ones who pass themselves off as good Christians, to exit Earth by the end of 2013.
“Being meek and all,” said Moussey, "we don’t want anyone to suffer needlessly while being forced off our property, but at the same time, we've seen what they are capable of, and it's time to stop being Mr. and Mrs. nicey-nice, and get those malevolent malefactors to clock out."
Moussey says that most Meek are in agreement that the evildoers aren't going to go easy, i.e. by committing suicide or killing each other, to comply with the mandate.
Moussey did let on that the Meek would not be against continuing to let the Sinners kill each other off if it weren't for the fact that in doing so, they would more than likely also kill off of innocent people, i.e. the Meek, which they've been doing a lot of lately.
Moussey said they put a stipulation in the request to take over the Earth sent to God that they (the Meek) could take away the Sinners' weapons and let them die by other means.
The sweet little old lady of 93 told us that “While we have not yet figured out how they will be evicted, we are trusting in the Lord to take care of that part. It's too late for long-term illness caused by disease, so we're thinking rocket launchers into space may be a quicker solution" she offered.
“Rest assured," said Moussey, "that if they’re looking for a rapture-like experience, you know, where the Sinners can make the eviction sound romantic, well, it ain't gonna happen. Our empathy has worn way too thin for that. The Sinners have over-stayed their welcome.”
The Meek are certain of one thing, the Sinners will eventually be gone, and Earth will finally be theirs (the Meek) to live a peaceful and quiet existence for eternity or, God forbid, until another tribe of evildoers find their way to Earth.
Moussey said the Meek feel just awful for having to take this stand earlier than expected, but the Sinners have begun acting so out of control that they (the Meek) had no other choice but to do God’s will and take over the earth now.
"Besides," said Moussey, "it doesn't really say when we would be inheriting the earth, just that it was ours eventually. We're pretty sure that God is eternal, and well, we just don't have that kind of time to wait until God dies and Earth becomes ours."
When accused of taking their inheritance of the Earth early in order to merely make a grab for the world's wealth, Moussy had this to say.
"See? That's what I'm talking about. They still don't get it even while faced with riding out of this life ala Major "King" Kong* style, on a missile marked for destruction."
*Matthew 5:5 Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth
Psalms 37:11 But the meek shall inherit the earth; and shall delight themselves in the abundance of peace.
*Slim Pickens riding nuclear bomb in movie "Dr. Strangelove"