Sunday, September 30, 2012

Joan Rivers Brings Honey Boo Boo to Tears over Tutu

The show Fashion Police starring Joan Rivers caught heat over the weekend for a segment thought to be over the top even for Rivers.

Special guest Honey Boo Boo appeared on the show to model her latest tutu and was having a great time, especially meeting her idol, Kelly Osborne, when all of a sudden Rivers shouted, “Get that round little human fart off my show!”

At first, everyone thought Rivers had simply commented on the cuteness of the tutu, but when no one paid any attention to Rivers and continued watching Honey Boo Boo twirl aimlessly around the stage, smiling and waving to the crowd, Rivers became enflamed.

“I said get the hell off my stage you creepy little fart!” said Rivers as she rushed toward the little redneck princess.

Stage hands had to pull Joan away from Honey Boo Boo, who, by this time was sitting in the middle of the stage crying dramatically for her mama. “Oh mama, mama, where for art thou mama?” she cried.

“Oh great,” screamed Rivers, “now she’s Juliet? Get her outta here or I’ll show her the ending of the play alright.”

Rivers was taken back stage and given oxygen while Honey Boo Boo and the clan were rushed away in a limo. 

The last thing heard from Rivers was “What the hell is going on in show business these days? Reality my ass,” as she collected herself to go back on her show for the next segment entitled “Starlet or Steetwalker?”

Friday, September 28, 2012

Psychiatrist Offering Free Therapy Sessions for Romney Voters

A Pennsylvania psychiatrist is seeing a pattern emerging among older voters in his state who, even after all the signs that Mitt Romney is definitely not prepared to become the next President of the United States, still plan on voting for the man.

Joseph von Hertenshperger of Philadelphia claims that three of his patients have admitted they are voting for Mitt Romney, but are upset with themselves as they all say they don’t have the faintest idea why.

“I know he is greedy, he doesn’t have my best interests in mind, and if I vote for him, I can say adios to my Medicare benefits, but yet, I’m oddly drawn to the man’s words,” said George Patton, who was told by his doctor that it was okay to talk to us about this anomaly among voters.

Dr. Hertenshperger interjected.

“I have not fully determined what it is that makes these men (all three of the patients are males in their 80s and veterans of WWII) think that Mitt Romney is the better choice for President.”

What is extremely troubling is that after each of the guys watch Romney make another inane statement on the campaign trail, these guys are that much more determined that he must be our President,” said Hertenshperger, who admits there may be hundreds more like these men out there who have yet to be identified not only in Pennsylvania but in other key voting states as well.

The good doctor is just now conferring with a few of his colleagues to try and figure out if the patients’ early signs of Alzheimer’s disease have anything to do with their distorted thinking.

Hertenshperger says that he and the other doctors are offering all the men free therapy sessions until such time as they are either cured or they lose interest in this obsession with electing Romney as President.

“I never thought I’d be saying this,” said Dr. Hertenshperger, “but honestly, the Republican mandate that everyone voting must have a photo ID is a smart idea at least when it comes to these guys. They all lost their drivers licenses years ago, which will prevent Romney from getting at least three votes that I know of in this state.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Rush Limbaugh Says Al Gore Not to Blame for His Shrinkage

Rush Limbaugh was unusually candid this week regarding the size of his penis.

“They tell me it has something to do with Al Gore and his climate change crap, but I’m not buying it,” says Limbaugh.

“To be frank, I think it is all those Lesbinos who are weirding me out,” he said, taking a moment to clear his throat and light another over-sized cigar.

While Limbaugh says it would give him great pleasure (no pun intended) to blame the size of his penis on Al Gore, the truth of the matter is, this one time, Gore has nothing to do with it.

“It ain’t global warming,” said Limbaugh. “It ain’t the image of Al Gore naked on a massage table either,” said Limbaugh, intimating that that image has sometimes actually aroused him from time-to-time.

Meanwhile, it was reported that several of Limbaugh’s former male assistants have already filed a class action lawsuit against Limbaugh based on their own claims that being required to work in a smoke-filled environment for years has caused each of their male members to shrink by over 10%. They have hired a female attorney to represent them (some say to make sure that throughout the trial, they can maintain proof of their evidence).

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Taking Away Cell Phones Best Crime Deterrent Ever

Earlier this year, a circuit court judge from Omaha, Nebraska sentenced a car thief to three years in the state penitentiary. Not unusual for his crime, but what was unusual was the way the criminal reacted to the sentencing.

When asked if he had anything to say before being led off to jail, the accused answered “Yes,” and then went on to ask “Can I take my cell phone with me?” His question was met with an unspoken “I don’t think so,” as the deputy removed the cell phone from his hand, hand-cuffed him, and led him off. The tough street kid was bawling like a baby.

This is a scene that has been playing out all over the country and because of it, some cities say their crime rates are actually falling dramatically. 

“You can give them an extra five years for committing a crime with a gun and they don’t flinch, but you tell them that they won’t be using a cell phone for the duration of their stay and they turn in to puddles of mush.”

Sheriff Leon Jones from Little Rock, Arkansas says his repeat offenders are not repeat offending anymore. 

“They are staying on the straight and narrow,” he said. “It boggles the mind.” 

Jones claims that as soon as the prisoners are released from jail, the first thing they ask for is their cell phones back and from that moment on, they are incommunicado, “at least with us, that is,” he said. “They are too busy calling and texting family and friends.”

“When I asked them if they were going to get in trouble again, I’d say 85% of them answer me in the negative. When asked why, they tell me they can’t live without their cell phones and they’ll do anything not to go through that hell again.”

Meanwhile, a new cell phone technology being advanced by Nokia may just eradicate crime altogether, at least crimes committed by tattooed perps. The technology involves using magnetic ink to create vibrating tattoos. When a person’s cell phone buzzes, it vibrates the tattoo, letting the person know they are getting a call.

Prison officials claim this may just be the best thing to happen to crime since the invention of the electric chair. 

“Imagine having a vibrating tattoo and an active drug business and you get busted and thrown in jail,” said Rosetta Stone, a corrections officer at Sing Sing Correctional Facility. 

“No, better yet,” she said with a chuckle, “imagine you have a different vibrating tattoo for every one of your twenty or so customers and they’re all going nuts trying to reach you at the same time.”

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Romney Doubles Back on Obama Criticism; Claims 47% of Americans are Not Exceptional

[Says only way he could possibly win election is if he was a poor gay black Latino woman]

The Romney campaign is exploding this week and things seem to be going from bad to worse as Romney has had to forego his criticisms of Obama to make room in his speeches to apologize for everything he’s said and done over the last two decades.

More recently, the big deal seems to be over some video leaked that shows Romney speaking to a bunch of rich guys telling them exactly how he feels about the poor in this country. In response to the criticism of the film, Mitt Romney says he is having a hard time understanding what all the fuss is about as he claims he was just regurgitating most of what he and his business partners have been saying over lunch for years.

Romney was busy on the campaign trail Tuesday telling supporters he wasn’t sorry about the hidden tape that surfaced showing him as a callous businessman who admits his disdain for the disadvantaged.

“The only thing I’m truly sorry about,” said Romney, “is that American exceptionalism exists in a very few of us. The rest of Americans are, at best, ordinary. Ordinary and poor.”  

Romney did go on to say that regardless of how many people are poor in this country, he is not worried about them for any other reason except that they are going to vote for Obama one way or the other because they are dependent on him for their monthly checks.

When asked how they can vote if they are refused on the basis of not having a picture ID, Romney denied having anything to do with that.

“That whole voter suppression thing is Karl Rove’s puppy,” he said. “I’ve got my own problems without having to take responsibility for that too.”

Later in the day, Romney spoke before a handful of wonky-eyed supporters at a pub in Rhode Island. He told the group that if he had been born a poor gay black latino woman, he’d at least have half a fighting chance to stay in the race for President.

One of the drunks at the bar shouted to the empty barstool next to him, “Well, amigo, you look pretty good for a woman. I’d do you.”

Meanwhile, Wikipedia has announced that it has temporarily shut down Mitt Romney’s Wiki page claiming they are spending too much money hiring fact checkers to keep up with all the new information exploding onto the page by Romney insiders who are finding their source of hush money drying up.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Top Ten Signs the Stock Market is About to Crash Again

Anyone keeping an eye on the stock market is probably wondering what with all the turmoil in the world, gas prices nipping at the heels of $4 a gallon yet again, and unemployment numbers refusing to edge downward, how could the stock market be doing so well?

Turns out, this is precisely what people were wondering when the bubble burst in 2000 (different year, different worries, but same scenario with the exception of Facebook), so we checked things out on the internet and found some signs that indicate we may be looking at yet another crash.

Mark Zuckerberg just moved back in with his parents.

Warren Buffet marked “Buy New Zealand” off his bucket list.

Manhattan office buildings are being retrofitted with diving platforms.

Glenn Beck is now hawking apple futures (as in the fruit not the iPad) instead of gold.

There is a shortage of bubble soap.

Billionaires are robbing their own banks.

The Cayman Islands has been renamed New Haiti.

The Hunger Games is now a reality show.

Jim Cramer’s head exploded on live TV.

Mitt Romney is ahead 3 points in the polls.

While the last one isn’t a precise indicator the market is about to crash, it does have people asking themselves “Would I rather live in a post-apocalyptic world or a world where Mitt Romney has just been elected President of the United States?”

Romneys Tour Presidential Bunker, Are Appalled at Condition

Photo NY Times/Peter Cross

As the elections draw near, word has it that Ann and Mitt Romney are worried about (did we say worried? We meant looking forward to) more than just Mitt becoming supreme leader of the business world. They are also very concerned about the condition of the various living quarters they will be required to inhabit on a temporary basis once Mitt takes office, i.e. The White House, Camp David and, God forbid--but it’s pretty much a sure bet if he’s elected--the Presidential Emergency Operations Center or Presidential Bunker as it is more commonly known.

They have already commented on the condition of the White House, and plan an extensive overhaul complete with elevator shafts for the Presidential Cadillacs, a money vault in the basement for the millions they’ll be required to bring back from their offshore accounts, and construction of a 12-foot high concrete barrier surrounding the perimeter of the White House separating them from the commoners.

As far as Camp David goes, Mitt has agreed that while he doesn’t particularly like ‘roughing it,’ he’ll go there occasionally if he has to, but only if it is also renovated to “bring it up to Romney Code,” joked Ann.

When it comes to the Presidential Bunker, however, both Romneys said that after touring the facility, they wouldn’t be caught dead in there, literally.

“I was very disappointed in the place,” said Ann. “I actually saw cans of beans on the shelves!” she exclaimed in horror.

“And,” Mitt chimed in, “that awful drab camo was everywhere. Why it was as if the Americans had turned off the public funds tap and all that was left were military rations. Totally unacceptable,” he scoffed.

Once the Romneys returned home to their $12 million mansion in La Jolla, Ann was quick to get on the phone with her interior decorator, Fifi LaFontaine.

She was heard begging “I know, that’s what Mitt and I were saying…wouldn’t be caught dead in there, but c’mon Fifi, you owe me one. It won’t be that bad. A little paint, some new chintz curtains, and a couple of high-end Serta Perfect Sleepers and it will be...oh who am I kidding,” said the exasperated First Lady hopeful.

“The place is a dump, but if you do this for us, we promise to appoint you as Ambassador to France.”

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Poll Results Indicate Dick Cheney More Evil than Vlad the Impaler

A recent poll asked participants to name who they thought was the most evil person in history. The results, while not entirely surprising, did say a lot about just how unlikeable Dick Cheney has become over the years.

What was surprising to some was the fact that Cheney didn’t top the list at number one, but that could be due to the fact that some of the participants were actually Republicans.

The results showed that Adolph Hitler was regarded as the number one most evil man in history, while Ghengis Khan came in at number 10. The results show two people not making it onto the top ten list but who, nevertheless, gave a bit of a surprise as runners up.

Number 13 was Hanibal Lecter, and number 15 was “that dance instructor who yells at the little girls on that reality show Dance Moms,” leading pollsters to believe that the group they were polling had difficulty separating fact from fantasy.

The complete results are as follows:

1.    Adolph Hitler
2.    Jeffrey Dahmer
3.    Caligula
4.    Queen Mary I, aka Queen Bloody Mary
5.    Ivan the Terrible
6.    Dick Cheney
7.    Vlad the Impaler
8.    Attila the Hun
9.    Idi Amin
10.  Ghengis Khan

It is interesting to note that only one woman, Queen Bloody Mary, made it onto the top ten list, and is the only evil person to have an alcoholic beverage named after them. (Harvey Wallbanger was annoying, but he definitely was not evil).

Also interesting to note is that three of the top ten men on the list are identified not by first and last names but by first names followed by “the” and whatever they were, i.e. terrible (kisser? aim? what?), an impaler, and a Hun. This leads us to wonder if that were the norm for calling evil people by what they were, wouldn’t Cheney be better known as Dick the Dick?

Saturday, September 8, 2012

Star Trek Trivia: One Episode Actually Partially Filmed in Space

Saturday marks the 46th anniversary of Star Trek: The Original Series, and as such, there are many tributes being made to America’s most beloved science fiction television series.

Star Trek trivia buffs are showing off their knowledge by posting some of the most obsolete facts about Star Trek on the internet. But one such buff, Tim Dinkledorfer, age 27, from Sylvania, Ohio, claims he has the ultimate piece of trivia that he believes has never before been mentioned outside his bedroom located in the basement of his mother Elsie’s home.

“I eat, sleep, breathe Star Trek,” said Dinkledorfer, who called into a local Toledo radio station, The Gospel News Talk 1960 WLIE. “And I have a piece of information that is going to blow your listeners’ socks right off the air,” he boasted.

Asked to hold 45 minutes while the on-air disc jockey, Jerry “the Big J” Smathers, took other calls from listeners wanting to talk about more important matters such as whether or not Pat Robertson should be canonized upon his death, Dinkledorfer hung in there and was finally given a chance to state his claim.

“Ok, Dingledorfer. I didn’t think you’d hang in there this long,” said Smathers, “but you really must have something to say, so make it quick because we don’t have much time left to bash more lefties, er I mean praise the Republicans’ good works. What’s that Star Trek news you have for us?”

“It’s Dinkledorfer,” said Dinkledorfer, who then began to tell the listeners his incredible news without stopping to take a breath.

“Remember the scene from the 7th episode of Season 2 where the Telekinesians enter the spaceship through a portal they constructed out of a tiny piece of thread from the Borg Queen’s uniform, and they turn themselves invisible except for the bite marks they leave on Spock’s leg that look like caricatures of Jerry Lewis, and then they take over the bridge and it looks like no one is running the Enterprise but they really are because they are still invisible but they are running the Enterprise? 

And remember when the Percusstian Princess, who is dressed in a revealing silver toga, which by the way was also worn by Lt. Uhura in the 2nd episode of Season 1, seduces Scotty so that her actual lover Denamacus, who has to go to a special room to smoke his Antediluvian cigars, who, by the way is played by actor Ricardo Montalban, can beam up more Percusstians, but the plot is foiled because the Princess is bitten by a Telekinesian and she dies?”

“Your point?” asks Big J.

Dinkledorfer continued, “Remember when you look outside the windows that see into space and you see out of the corner of the camera the Russian space station? Remember that?” asked Dingledorfer. 

“No, not really,” says Big playing along.

“Well that was really the space station, and they were filming the episode from space,” said the excited caller.

“Fascinating,” said Smathers. “Thanks for calling Tim. We have to take a station identification break, after which we’ll talk to a caller who claims that Karl Rove has irrefutable proof that all the women who spoke at the DNC are former prostitutes.”

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Chris Matthews Goes Nuts Over Democrat Announcement

The Democratic Party has been overwhelmed with the success of its National Convention in Charlotte, NC this week. In fact, reports have it even some Republicans are trying to get in on the Hope and Change train after watching President Clinton give a rousing speech in favor of re-electing President Obama.

“It’s a success beyond our wildest dreams,” gushed Debbie Wasserman Schultz as she was caught rushing off to her hotel room in hopes of a good night’s sleep ahead of Thursday’s events.

“Before I let you go, though,” said Schultz, “I’m gonna let you in on a little secret. We are making plans right now to hold mini-conventions in all the swing states every week leading up to the election.”

When Chris Matthews of MSNBC caught wind of the plans, he was said to be giddy with joy.

“Ooh, I hope they keep up the attack,” he said. “I’ve never seen the Democrats so fired up,” he marveled. “It’s like they took my advice and ran with it,” said Matthews appearing to take credit for the Democrats actually “growing a spine.”

Matthews’ best moment came a night earlier when, at the end of Gov. Deval Patrick’s speech, the news anchor was caught on camera appearing to do a fake swoon and then jumping up out of his seat.

“Tonight, Gov. Deval Patrick (D-Mass) hit it out of the park,” screamed Matthews, jabbing his fists like a boxer and asking someone to queue the Rocky theme.

Because the plan has just been hatched, Schultz was short on details. She would say that people will be lined up around the block to participate.

“We won’t have as many recognized politicians to speak at the these events,” said Schultz, “But we will have more of the same schoolteachers, nuns, former Bain Capital employees, and women not the least bit embarrassed to talk about their uteruses, telling their stories about how really important it is to re-elect President Obama.”

Asked how he will keep up with the schedule, Matthews replied “Don’t you worry about me. You just keep ‘em comin’ and I’ll find a way,” as he took another shot of Red Bull in his MSNBC mug before asking his guests for a group hug. 

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Ryan Loses it; Tells Romney to Walk Like a Man

Paul Ryan told his boss, Mitt Romney to walk like a man Friday after having had enough of watching the Mittster walk “like a baby” to and from podiums all over America. 

“You have no swagger whatsoever,” said Ryan, yelling to Mitt as he walked awkwardly toward the stage. 

“How freakin’ hard is it to get from point A to point B?” he said as he muffled a scream.

“You look like you’ve been holding it in since the elections began,” Ryan added as his exasperation with Romney exploded.

Ryan then began to walk in exaggeratedly large steps, swinging his arms up and down to prove his point. 

“Look,” he said. “Watch and learn,” as Ryan then placed his hands on his hips and did his best impression of his hero, John Wayne.

“See the difference? See it? It’s like night and day, am I right?” said Ryan in a fevered pitch.

At that point in time, one of Ryan’s closest aides sidled alongside Ryan and whispered something in his ear.

“For cripes sakes, guys…why didn’t you tell me the cameras were rolling and we actually had a crowd this time!”