GOP Up Shitz Creek; Calls in Turd Blossom to Rig Race

It is common knowledge that Donald Trump continues his popularity among the  conservative populace who aren't buying politics as usual anymore. They are fed up and want to see changes in the system and the White House. This makes the establishment GOP nervous as hell.

Obviously, their first choice for a presidential candidate is not one who appears to be a donkey in elephant's clothing. And they certainly do not want a candidate who doesn't know his place in the Presidential hierarchy, i.e. a level or two below House Speaker Paul Ryan and Senate Majority Leader, Mitch McConnell.

So, with Trump's popularity picking up more steam ahead of the NY primary elections, the establishment GOP is bringing in the big guns to hopefully quash, once and for all, his ambitions of being the next President of the United States. That's right. When all goes belly up in an election cycle, there is one person who can step up to the plate, play really, really dirty politics, and still come out smelling like a rose. Turd Blossom to the rescue.

Even though the jury is still out on whether or not the GOP establishment even likes Karl Rove, they do admit he is a mastermind when it comes to dirty politics. In fact, few people know that Rove was actually referred to as a "Teacher of Tricks" during the Watergate scandal. A scandal involving plumbers. Are we starting to see a connection here?

While he doesn't like to think of himself as a trickster, Turd Blossom does admit that the GOP is up Shitz Creek without him. Anybody still looking for a good plumber?

"I make no apologies for the things I've done in the past, whether it is gerry rigging…er I mean, gerrymandering an entire state (Texas), or an entire country to win Senate seats. I am the go-to guy to get things done."

Asked if gerrymandering would work in the case of Donald Trump and NY. He looked dumbfounded.

"Hell no," he said. "You are comparing apples to dumbbells. No, the only way to stop someone like Trump is you have to go off all Tonya Harding on him. But you didn't hear that from me."

In fact, after that statement, Rove refused to give any more details of how he has been plotting to derail the GOP frontrunner's chances of becoming the GOP presidential nominee. Last seen, he was hiding in the shadows, spittle coming from his grotesquely deformed smile as he counted the millions of dollars just handed off to him by someone looking eerily like Eddie Munster.

Meanwhile, upon hearing Rove's statement, Trump had his security beefed up and sent his private assistant out shopping for knee pads to match his bullet-proof vest.

In related political news on the Democratic side, NY Governor Andrew Cuomo has asked for an emergency meeting with the Supervisor of Elections to see if there is any way to raise the voting age ahead of the primary to 30 in an effort to keep young Democrats from voting overwhelmingly in favor of Bernie Sanders.

When asked about this latest measure, Cuomo simply stated "Hey, other states are doing way more dishonest stuff than us and getting away with it. This cuts down on having to employ extra help to switch party affiliations on the registered voter sheets."

More as we get it.

Star Trek Trivia: One Episode Actually Partially Filmed in Space

Saturday marks the 46th anniversary of Star Trek: The Original Series, and as such, there are many tributes being made to America’s most beloved science fiction television series.

Star Trek trivia buffs are showing off their knowledge by posting some of the most obsolete facts about Star Trek on the internet. But one such buff, Tim Dinkledorfer, age 27, from Sylvania, Ohio, claims he has the ultimate piece of trivia that he believes has never before been mentioned outside his bedroom located in the basement of his mother Elsie’s home.

“I eat, sleep, breathe Star Trek,” said Dinkledorfer, who called into a local Toledo radio station, The Gospel News Talk 1960 WLIE. “And I have a piece of information that is going to blow your listeners’ socks right off the air,” he boasted.

Asked to hold 45 minutes while the on-air disc jockey, Jerry “the Big J” Smathers, took other calls from listeners wanting to talk about more important matters such as whether or not Pat Robertson should be canonized upon his death, Dinkledorfer hung in there and was finally given a chance to state his claim.

“Ok, Dingledorfer. I didn’t think you’d hang in there this long,” said Smathers, “but you really must have something to say, so make it quick because we don’t have much time left to bash more lefties, er I mean praise the Republicans’ good works. What’s that Star Trek news you have for us?”

“It’s Dinkledorfer,” said Dinkledorfer, who then began to tell the listeners his incredible news without stopping to take a breath.

“Remember the scene from the 7th episode of Season 2 where the Telekinesians enter the spaceship through a portal they constructed out of a tiny piece of thread from the Borg Queen’s uniform, and they turn themselves invisible except for the bite marks they leave on Spock’s leg that look like caricatures of Jerry Lewis, and then they take over the bridge and it looks like no one is running the Enterprise but they really are because they are still invisible but they are running the Enterprise? 

And remember when the Percusstian Princess, who is dressed in a revealing silver toga, which by the way was also worn by Lt. Uhura in the 2nd episode of Season 1, seduces Scotty so that her actual lover Denamacus, who has to go to a special room to smoke his Antediluvian cigars, who, by the way is played by actor Ricardo Montalban, can beam up more Percusstians, but the plot is foiled because the Princess is bitten by a Telekinesian and she dies?”

“Your point?” asks Big J.

Dinkledorfer continued, “Remember when you look outside the windows that see into space and you see out of the corner of the camera the Russian space station? Remember that?” asked Dingledorfer. 

“No, not really,” says Big playing along.

“Well that was really the space station, and they were filming the episode from space,” said the excited caller.

“Fascinating,” said Smathers. “Thanks for calling Tim. We have to take a station identification break, after which we’ll talk to a caller who claims that Karl Rove has irrefutable proof that all the women who spoke at the DNC are former prostitutes.”

Akin Story a Ruse to Get Obama off Romney’s Back?

The Todd Akin/Legitimate Rape story had pundits’ tongues wagging all over the place, from local news to prime time, conservatives to liberals, and according to unconfirmed sources, that’s just the way the GOP wants it.

According to the source, Akin was actually hired by Rove’s superPAC, American Crossroads to take a bullet for Mitt Romney.

 “We planned this about a month ago,” he said. “We knew there would be calls for his resignation from those who weren’t in on the plan, so we went ahead and pumped a million or so into his campaign ahead of time. Todd’s got enough to keep himself going without our help,” said the secret source. 

“But don’t quote me on that…it may have been two million, I’m not really for sure about the particulars.”

Asked if it was really necessary to use Akin as a human shield for Romney, Rove, er I mean, the secret source replied, “Oh hell yeah. In fact, you ain’t seen nothing yet. As long as Obama keeps pounding away at Romney and asking for his tax returns, we are working day and night to stay ahead of him.”

Karl Rove Secret Plan to Replace Mitt Romney with Jeb Bush

Karl Rove is tired of playing nice guy. In fact, those closest to him know that he reached his limit with Mitt Romney long before Romney was even declared the winner in the Republican primaries. While some folks thought Rove would simply suck it up and get behind the guy who is his party’s candidate, that just isn’t happening.

Spurred on by Dick Cheney, Rove has come up with a plan that will not only unseat Romney as the top Republican candidate at the Republican Convention in late August, but will most likely ensure Jeb Bush’s success at the polls in November.

“It’s a little thing I like to call “write-in votes,” said Rove at a recent meeting of extremely old and influential (up until now) Neo-Conservatives who have one purpose in mind—making sure Barack Obama doesn’t win a second term.

“We can’t do it with a dunderhead like Mitt Romney,” said Rove. “He’s beginning to make Sarah Palin look like a Rhodes Scholar.”

Rove told the crowd his ingenious plan. “Fortunately, Dick [Cheney] and I had the foresight to see this coming and began the process of filing the necessary paperwork in states that will allow it, to get our guy, Jeb Bush, on the ballots as a write-in candidate.”

Rove claims to not only have gotten all the paperwork squared away, but has already lined up the necessary electors in those state to assure a Bush victory.

“Is it the way we’d have liked to see Jeb Bush get on the ticket? No, of course not,” said Rove, “But the truth is, we don’t have the money to fight the Sheldon Adelsons and Koch Brothers, who don’t really share our views on world dominance, so we have to beat their money with strategic thinking,” he said.

“In the end, it really does come down to one thing…war.”

Rumors Surface Once More that Jeb Bush is Entering GOP Race

The Godfather of the GOP, Karl Rove, has hinted that he still has a few tricks up his sleeve to turn the GOP Presidential race back into a somewhat respectable spectacle. Speaking last night at a Rotary Club Dinner given in honor of George H. W. Bush, who Rove claims was one of the finest Presidents this side of Reagan, Rove gave very strong indications that he is about ready to pop with joy.

“Gentlemen,” Rove began, “light your cigars, sit back and let that big porterhouse steak digest, and just relax. Daddy’s gonna give you some very, very good news.”

The news, apparently, is that Rove and daddy Bush are at it again. This time, they are pushing Jeb Bush into the Presidential ring.

“We were going to wait this out and see if the boys [Romney and Gingrich] could play nice enough to get our base ignited again,” said Rove, “but we seriously underestimated their stupidity.”

Rove went on to say that the only way the GOP has a [expletive] chance of winning this [expletive] race is to get a God-[expletive] fella in there who can make nicey-nice with the Kochs, schmooz the female vote, and, of course, win Florida back from Romney.

When reminded that the Florida ship has already sailed—meaning the primary has already taken place, Rove replied, “Rules are made to be broken. In fact,” said Rove, “the GOP allowed Florida to move its primary ahead, and we all found out real quick what a complete boneheaded move that was. But we can fix that so that Jeb still has a chance in that state.”

Rove was in top form as he explained to the crowd how Gerrymandering works.

“What you do is slice a few key districts from Florida (meaning Republicans of course) and attach them to the adjoining states that haven’t held primaries yet, i.e. Alabama, Georgia, Mississippi and Louisiana, not to mention making Puerto Rico a Miami county. Then we throw Jeb in the race and see him take those states. By then, the momentum will have taken hold, and voila, another Bush in the White House--bye-bye Romney.”

Asked about the other candidates, especially Gingrich, Rove was on it. “We send him to Nevada and tell him they are having a party in his honor, ply him full of liquor and give him a few blonde bombshells to take his mind off politics for awhile and by April, he won’t even remember why he entered the race.”

Herman Cain Story Most Readers Would Like to Read

With all the stories circulating about Herman Cain’s past sexual harassment charges, it seems everyone is jumping on the bandwagon to either assist him in proving or disproving the stories. While Cain sits high upon the fence, not yet ready to admit to any wrongdoing, speculators are coming up with some even wilder stories to make sure Cain doesn’t leave the political spotlight anytime soon. Here are some stories readers say they would pay good money to read:

Skeletons in Herman Cain’s Closet Have Boobs

Clarence Thomas Tells Herman Cain to Keep Hands off His Wife

Rick Perry Tells Herman Cain to Keep Hands off His Wife

Herman Cain Claims Black Hat is Source of All his Recent Troubles, Trades it in For White Hat

Herman Cain Takes Credit for Making Three Black Women Wealthier than When They First Met Him

Al Gore Tells Herman Cain to Stay Away from the Massage Table

Bill Clinton Tells Herman Cain to Stay Away from Cigars

John Edwards Tells Herman Cain to Lay Low, Preferably Under a Blonde

Herman Cain Claims Sex Had Nothing to do With His Sexually Harassing Those Women

Rumors Regarding Cain’s Viagra Usage Started by Georgia Pharmacist Turn Out to be False. Cain Only Admits to Using Enzyte.

Herman Cain Says Invite to lunch with Karl Rove and Dick Cheney Must Have Gotten Lost in the Mail

While none of the stories have been corroborated, it is fair to say that at least half or more of them will be given to research assistants in the next few days to determine if any have merit. Meanwhile, this writer would be glad to develop any one of the stories if asked.

Republicans Claim Inheritance Tax Owed on Deficit Inherited from Bush Administration

Republicans continue to assure the wealthiest Americans that no new taxes will be levied against them. However, with the Tea Party breathing down their necks and threatening to withhold votes if something isn’t done to get the budget under control, top Republican strategists have come up with a plan they believe will take on the appearance of bringing in some much-needed revenue.

“We’re demanding that the present administration pay a 10% inheritance tax on the $8 trillion worth of debt over the next decade that Obama inherited from George W. Bush,” said Karl Rove at a recent fundraiser. “We fully admit that we laid a goose egg right before leaving office, but hell, that’s no excuse for allowing Barack Obama to get off scott free by not paying any tax on that debt,” said a defiant Rove to thunderous applause.

Hoping to cash in on the belief that “most Americans don’t know diddly about economics and wouldn’t know a tax law if it jumped up and bit them” Rove is confident that this latest ploy will succeed in making it seem plausible that a sitting President can be held responsible for paying inheritance tax on a balance (albeit a negative balance) inherited from the former administration.

When questioned where the money would come from to pay the inheritance tax, Rove replied “That’s not our problem. Let’s let the Democrats figure that part out,” as he went on to explain how corporate “gifting” works. 

GOP Considers Palin and Tea Party a Necessary Evil

While conservative pundits continue to say that Republicans are none too pleased about some of the crazy Tea Party candidates who have gotten themselves nominated for Republican House and Senate seats this year, they still have to admit that without them, the party doesn’t stand a chance in hell of taking back control of Congress.

The proof is in the way we are seeing staunch old school Republicans such as Karl Rove practically getting down on all fours and licking Sarah Palin’s Manolo Blahniks for handing them a Republican Congress in November. Rove can only imagine the Tea Party as a third party, instead of the red-headed stepchild of the GOP, and he shivers.

Talk about the Tea Party becoming a third political party is tempting only for the Tea Partiers themselves, not for the Republicans. Trying to keep Palin happy so she won’t take her influence and let that very thing happen is taking its toll on staunch Republicans like Mitch McConnell, John Boehner, Karl Rove and others. You can see it in their body language when forced to share a stage with Palin, smiling through clenched teeth, nostrils flaring, fake cordials.

If you believe that Sarah Palin, herself is capable of getting the Republican Party to lick her boots, you overestimate her power. She is being driven by someone else’s money and quest for power. Someone who knows that the Tea Partiers need the Conservatives just as much as the Conservatives need the Tea Partiers. A break into two parties would mean a split in votes and the real possibility of the Democrats coming out on top.

To understand this a little better, one has only to look at what happened in the 2000 Presidential elections. It was George W. Bush taking on Vice President Al Gore and, say what you will, Gore was expected to win the election on the popular vote. In fact, Gore actually was elected President according to the popular vote. Some say that Ralph Nader, who ran on the Green Party ticket, took valuable votes away from Al Gore and cost him the election. While Nader vehemently denies this, the fact of the matter is many believe that is exactly what happened. And that is what could happen if the Tea Party were to splinter off into a third party.

Fast forward to 2010 mid-term elections. There are two parties—the Democrats and the Republicans. There is no third party, at least none that has candidates running in the election that could pull votes away from the Republican or Democrat parties. While the Tea Party movement members do have a tendency to lean toward conservative beliefs, they are not happy with the conservative agenda. They hate the thought of big business influencing Washington politics almost as much as they hate government running their lives. They don’t want to pay taxes but at the same time, they don’t want corporations to get a tax break while they suffer.

The Tea Party movements has its own agenda and it does not line up well with that of the Republicans. If they were a third party in the election coming up and their candidates were running against Republicans, it is a distinct possibility that Democrats would win the elections because Tea Party members would vote for their own candidates and there wouldn’t be enough votes to carry and election. By voting for their candidates, they’d pull votes away from the Republican candidates, making it difficult for them to get a majority vote as well. And certainly, Republicans would not be voting for the whackos running on the Tea Party ticket.

Makes one wonder if the Tea Partiers plan on ever really breaking away from the Conservatives and forming their own party. If they were running the show, it might have already happened. But the moment they teamed up with Sarah Palin and the money behind Sarah Palin, the game plan changed and the poor folks who signed on to the Tea Party Express were gobbled up by the very people whom they are fighting so hard against—big business.

For now, the Republicans consider the Tea Party a necessary evil and are going along with their far right agenda to ensure success in November. But after the elections, it may be the Tea Party that begins to shed their Republican skins kind of like the lizard people on the hit mini-series “V” years ago and if that happens, it’s anyone’s guess what kind of election year 2012 will be. One thing is for sure, any Democrat worth their salt will be cheering the Tea Party on.