Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Mystery Solved! Chief Justice John Roberts Has a Conscience After All

As the pundits go crazy trying to figure out just what made a very conservative Supreme Court Justice place a very un-conservative decision into President Obama’s lap, one man thinks he may have the answer.

Mark Drager, Chief Psychologist at the Markham College of Psychiatry in Durham, North Carolina, had this to say on MSNBC late Tuesday evening, “Judge Roberts obviously has developed a conscience.”

Manifesting a conscience where none seemed to exist, especially later in life, is extremely rare according to Drager.

“Usually, you are either born with one, or you aren’t, but developing a conscience in the true sense of the word, i.e. having the ability to feel empathy toward your fellow human beings and understanding the implications in order to do good in the world is so rare that before this ruling, we never even had an inkling it could be accomplished.”

Roberts is on his way to Malta for some much needed privacy. Sources close to the Chief Justice claim that the whole flip-flop thing has him as baffled as everyone else.

“From what I understand,” said David Arnett, one of the justice’s law clerks, “Judge Roberts was so confused that at one point he had me writing rulings both for the mandate and against the mandate, saying he’d figure out which one sounded better to him before the official decision was due.”

No one was more surprised to hear Roberts’ ruling than his wife, Jane Sullivan, who claims that when her husband got up in the morning to go into work, he didn’t change his routine a bit.

“Nothing was amiss to indicate that Johnny was going to do anything other than what we’d talked about, i.e. striking down Obamacare,” she said.

“I asked him about the ruling, how it was going to go, and smiled that knowing smile because we’d always known it was his intention to kill the law,” said Sullivan.

“If I didn’t know better,” she concluded, “I’d almost think that the aliens have finally landed and somewhere out there is my real husband. Either that, or he’s taken up playing with Etch-a-Sketches too.”

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