Song Parody - Unfriend Me (To Please Release Me by Engelbert Humperdinck)

Please Unfriend Me

Please Unfriend me let me go

You aren't someone I wish to know

I hope this doesn't make you sore,

Unfriend me, don't poke me anymore

At first, we laughed and joked around,

I picked you up when you were down

But lately you've become a bore

So unfriend me, don't bother me no more.

Please release me as your friend

This relationship has got to end,

How else can I get through to you?

Unfriend me cause I've unfriended you.

Please unfriend me, cause I've unfriended you.

Head Games: New High-Tech Gladiator Games Coming to Social Media

Writer Mike Kelly contributed to this story.

For those of you who find most of their free time being eaten up on social media, but miss the old days where gladiator-style competition reigned supreme, Zygma introduces a simple fix.

Now you and your online friends can spend hours facing off against each other in a multi-level game in which feelings will be hurt, relationships ruined, and if you're really lucky, actual blood spilled.

Many of you are likely already pros at this. Just skim down and find your psychological match and begin to play on Facebook, Twitter, your iPhone; heck, just about any place where human interaction is merely achieved by tapping in a few words and/or symbols.

On the off chance that you don’t even realize it is a game, don’t worry, we’ll remind you how psychologically damaged you are by awarding you big points every time you “lose” a Facebook friend.

Once you have found the character you most closely identify with, you may start the game at any time. The first one to win is the winner.

Introverticus - Hides all personal information from friends. Has had a Facebook page since 2009 but has never posted. His avatar is a bowl of oatmeal and his profile photo is a wallflower.

Extroverticus - Introverticus’ nemesis. Types in all caps even when posting cute pictures of puppies. Has yet to share one sentimental moment with his inferior friends due to the fact that he has none.

Neurosis - Must friend and unfriend people on a daily basis due to the fact that her feelings get hurt for no reason at all. Has never been able to post a comment without hitting the edit button at least two times.

Paranoius - Believes the feds are reading his posts. Posts false information about himself to “fool” the government. Must be a pothead to choose this character.

Narcissius - Main goal is to search out posts by “friends” who are having problems and pointing out to them that they are self-absorbed and need to get over it. You can tell when Narcissius has scored because she will post it several times on her page in case you missed it.

SmartAlecus - Only posts funny videos and memes. Incapable of posting comments that don’t have the words LOL or ROFLMAO in them. Has never posted a comment without a smiley face attached.

If you feel you cannot relate to any of the above characters, you can also use the "freeplay" option and create your own devious personality to use within the game. We do urge you to use caution if you choose this function since many who we are close to can turn into our worst nightmares at the flick of a switch. And Facebook doesn’t allow do-overs.

Whatever you decide, you will find this game not only fills in your free time, but it also starts to impact your other daily activities. You will be able to demonstrate your skill levels by missing appointments, becoming increasingly introverted, and finally through the loss of your very own job!

The ultimate goal, however, is to be able to play this game at work and NOT lose your job. If you achieve this level, you may choose the name “Indispensable” and receive a gajillion extra points. You will also become the Facebook Gladiator of the Week, wherein you’ll receive a free pass to yell “In Yo’ Face” at your boss when he discovers what you’ve been doing with your time for the past two years.

Only one person has attained “Indispensable” status, and she claims the only downside is having to regularly sleep with her gin-soaked boss in order to stay in the game.

This game is currently available for all Apple devices through a free download from the Appstore. An Android version will be available as soon as we hire replacement development staff to replace those employees who found the game everything that we said it would be.

Good luck Gladiators. Let the head games begin.

Mark Zuckerberg Begs Businesses to Quit Giving Him Free Stuff

Ever since Mark Zuckerberg joined the ranks of the uber rich, he’s been receiving free offers from businesses across the economic spectrum. From free Crazy Combos® for life from Little Caesars to brand new top-of-the-line stainless steel appliances for his kitchen, Zuckerberg can’t seem to stop the flow of free merchandise to his home.


The latest bargain Zuckerberg received was a sweet financing deal from his bank--a 1.05% refinancing rate on the mortgage for his home in Palo Alto, California. While many Americans are struggling to get a half-way decent refinancing rate just in order to keep their homes out of foreclosure, Zuckerberg is the recipient of one of the lowest rates ever to be given to a homeowner. But the refinance rate and all the other goodies he’s received do not come without a hefty price.


Zuckerberg has been receiving threatening calls on his cell phone that have left him and his wife a bit baffled and bewildered. Many of us would believe the phone calls are coming from poor people who are sick and tired of being charged premium rates while the rich get away with record low deals, but that couldn’t be further from the truth.


In actuality, the calls are coming from some of the richest people in the country. Evidently, Zuckerberg is the victim of ‘free luxury-item envy,’ a very real occurrence in the wealthiest of circles. News of the low interest rate (possibly the lowest to ever be offered to a rich guy) has other business magnates green with envy.


Upon hearing the news of the record low rate Zuckerberg received, Donald Trump, who has never been offered an interest rate lower than 2.875% in all the years he’s been buying up real estate, was said to be furious. 


“Since when does some little startup punk get a better interest rate than me?” asked Trump when told of Zuckerberg’s good fortune. But when he realized the refinance rate was adjustable, Trump settled down. 


“Well, then, why didn’t you say so in the first place? That’s a whole different story,” said Trump, who claims he’s locked in at 3.75% on most of his properties. 


“Don’t look at me like I’m an idiot,” said Trump. “It’s a fixed rate. Thirty-year fixed. Just wait’ll the interest rates start climbing again. Then we’ll see who’s the smart guy.”


Meanwhile, Zuckerberg can’t take it, or in this case, receive it, anymore and is begging the businesses to please stop sending him free stuff. 


“You are going to get me killed,” Zuckerberg was overheard telling an Aston Martin dealer in Palo Alto after offering him (Zuckerberg) a vintage automobile worth a small fortune, free of charge, no strings attached.  Zuckerberg’s Japanese gardener, who has yet to convince Zuckerberg he doesn’t want any pay for the work he does at Zuckerberg’s estate, claims he overhears a lot of the phone calls and believes that Zuckerberg is, indeed, scared to answer the phone anymore.


“He told me right after he got the mortgage reduced, he said ‘Kim Lee, you don’t know how hard it is being rich.’ I told him ‘Yes, Mr. Z, maybe not, but if you want me to take your place, you just ask, boss.  I’ll do it for nothing.’”

Analysts Indicate Facebook Users Could Take Down Facebook in a Heartbeat

While Facebook boasts that its users cannot live without it, the truth is that without its users, Facebook could not survive. The highly touted public offering has finally arrived, but there is just one huge thing that puts a damper on all those billions changing hands as we speak…Facebook is nothing without its users, those fickle, fickle people who think nothing of friending someone one day and then unfriending them the next.

Not the sort of thing a company can really base a financial standing on then is it? These days, all it takes is a couple of keystrokes and a major petition drive is moments away from adding thousands or even millions of dissidents to their cause--with the right momentum of course.

In Facebook’s case, the entire future of the company relies on what made it so popular in the first place…being able to voice your opinion about what is near and dear to your heart. Those with the most friends get the most hits, and just like a high school clique, you’re in one day, out the next.

When going public, a company must show that it can post earnings to back up its worth. Facebook, while continuing to tell everyone it is worth more than the estimated $104 Billion dollars the IPO could bring in, cannot really prove that it will make a dime after the IPO, especially if the bulk of its users decided to stop using it and go to other social media sites such as Google + or Pinterest or better yet, join Facebook Users Anonymous to rid themselves of their Facebook addictions altogether.

“If a goodly number of Facebook users decided they didn’t like the fact that someone was making that much money off them while they got nothing more than a free pass to talk to their friends, which they could still do over the phone or by e-mail anyway, Facebook could make, and lose, approximately $100 Billion dollars literally within hours of each other,” said one financial adviser who claims that those who invested already in Facebook have a 50/50 chance of making lots of money or losing their shirts.

"So, while they may tell you that it is more complicated than that, the truth of the matter is, Facebook better be kissing some grassroots heiney big time, cause if there’s one thing I know about myself and my friends, we don’t like being taken for granted. More than that, though, we love a good joke if it plays out right."

He then added "The future of Facebook is literally in our hands. Say, wouldn’t it be funny if…"

Scientist Claims Facebook is a Secret Social Experiment for Monetary and Political Gain

Henrique Oppenheimer, a research scientist who works for a major scientific research laboratory in Los Alamos, New Mexico, has let leak that the social networking site, Facebook, is actually a secret social experiment that began as a way to get humans to open up completely about their feelings in a public forum so that corporations could use the information for monetary and political gain.

Oppenheimer claims that Mark Zuckerberg, the supposed creator of Facebook, actually just agreed to lend his name to the laboratory to make the site appear to be the brainchild of another internet startup that took other networking sites such as LinkedIn and MySpace and made them better.

“We needed a way to get human beings to open up about how they felt on certain topics such as politics, religion, marriage, divorce, dating, etc.,” said Oppenheimer, “but we needed an honesty that ordinary poll questionnaires just didn’t allow.” The information gathered from Facebook has been used by some of the largest corporations in the world to develop and sell various new products, as well as helping decide what politicians must do and say to get elected to office.

Oppenheimer says that no one could predict just how effective the site would become in gathering information about its test subjects. What started out as a study in human behavior became a springboard for one of the most incredibly honest outpourings of feelings the world has ever seen and the most lucrative wellspring of public opinion ever produced.

The laboratory that Oppenheimer claims to be working for totally denies the allegations and says that they have nothing to do with Facebook. “We have a Facebook page, period,” said chief research scientist, Bark Ingmad. “We would encourage those who may believe Oppenheimer’s claims to continue their rants, raves, friending and unfriending as usual and to not worry so much about who is watching or taking notes.”

Collective Human Intelligence in Danger Due to Internet

Scientists in Stockholm, Sweden are just now concluding a 5-year long research project designed to determine whether or not mainstream consciousness is finally overpowering mindless consciousness and endangering the world we live in to such a degree that we may find ourselves staring down the real Apocalypse of 2012. See Video for proof.

Some of the findings are startling. From the “don’t worry your bottom dollar about it” scenario to “holy shit, we have a crisis on our hands” [our words not theirs], the report is poised to set the social networking world on its head.

Everything from school buildings becoming obsolete because kids can just go to school from their bedrooms, to scientists botching some of the most important scientific studies of our time because they got sidetracked by Twitter, have found their way into the report.

“Human interaction, as we know it,” said Dr. Heinz Friedendehead, “will no longer be the norm, and in some cases is already becoming quite abnormal as people begin to find ways to hide behind computer screens in order to communicate with family, friends, loved ones, bosses, doctors, lawyers and the occasional stranger.”

Dr. Friedendehead claims that the very complex issues that are facing us as a people such as global warming, famine, disease, super bugs, etc. were once getting the attention they deserved maybe twenty years ago, but in today’s social networking arena are taking a back seat and suffering from botched data caused by a lack of attention on the part of the research scientists studying the issues.

“Global warming, for instance,” he said. “Global warming was poised to be taken care of just after the turn of the century, but instead the social networking site ‘MySpace’ appeared on computer screens. From there, it morphed into ‘Facebook’ and now all anyone can say about global warming is that it is on everyone’s mind—right. Just after how many times Lindsay Lohan has been jailed and what color panties Katie Perry is wearing today, or whose dog pooped on whose neighbor’s lawn.”

Dr. Friedendehead has this warning for us. “Wake up people. You can only see so many ‘puking pumpkin’  and ‘monkey ninja’ images before realizing that we have a major problem the world over. Aunt Sarah’s bout with arthritis is important, sure, but so is saving our planet. Get off the computer, go to work on something important, and send Aunt Sarah a ‘Get Well Soon’ card through the mail.”