Kansas City, MISSOURI – As the school year starts up again around the country, news of a radical plan to totally abolish the public school system in the state of Missouri seems to be wildly popular with just about everyone who lives there. In fact, the plan is so popular that a referendum has been placed on the November ballot asking Missouri citizens to vote for or against changing the public school system over to a private system which encourages home schooling.
According to several far right conservative lawmakers, this change has been a long time coming. Tired of the bureaucratic red tape they’ve been fighting for years from the federal government, many are saying it’s not worth the extra money they get from Washington to not be able to school their children the way they want to.
Kansas City assistant school superintendent, Grover Danquist, who first proposed the idea in 2010, assured reporters it wasn’t the fact that Missouri schools have one of the highest percentages of illiterate students in the nation that spurred them on to such a radical change.
“Naw, that ain’t why we’re doing it,” said Danquist.
“We’re just sick and tired of being required to offer classes like science and math when the most important things we should be teaching our kids is how to pray and shoot a gun.”
Danquist elaborated. “Ever since they took prayer out of the classrooms, we’ve gone downhill. Home schooling provides parents the opportunity to have an ultimate say-so in what their kids are learning,” and, he added, “Most of us firmly believe that the end times are nigh, meaning it’s time to put away the school books and start picking up the Bibles.”
Danquist also said that most Missourians he knew felt it was absolutely essential that their young citizens learn how to shoot a gun as early as possible.
“We ain’t talking about none of that zombie nonsense,” he said, “but when the end days do come, we just have to make sure everyone knows how to defend themselves.”
Danquist and others like him are targeting public education programs they claim are teaching their kids the wrong ideals.
“We don’t need science to tell us the weather is crappy, and we don’t need science to tell us where we came from. We came from God, period,” he said.
An official spokesperson from the U.S. Department of Education, who was asked to comment on this story, said they weren’t aware of the situation but gave us an off-the-cuff response.
“Sure, fine, whatever. Couldn’t be any worse than the system they have in place now."
A new startup company by the name of PharmaPend is in the business of seeking out passed over and forgotten scientific patent filings and developing them into name-brand products. The bulk of their treasure lies in the US. Patent Office where they claim that 95-99% of patents filed by universities never see the light of day.
The founders of the company believe that one such discovery may soon allow America to take over the number one spot in the world in education from its fierce rival, China. A patent for ‘smart’ chewing gum has not only been found, but the formula has been developed into a usable product that is now being tested on a select group of private school students in Hanover, Maryland.
“We’re not really sure how the gum works,” said Camden Goldegger, co-founder of PharmaPend, “but we have some of the best scientific minds in the business developing this particular brand of gum and we’re basically down to just throwing it against the wall to see if it sticks.”
Goldegger says he has tried the gum and, although he possesses an average IQ, claims he actually felt himself getting smarter as he chewed. “For the first time, I was able to outsmart my Smartphone,” he said.
“I’m not sure I can explain it in terms the average person would understand,” said Goldegger. “I guess you’d have to chew a stick yourself to understand how I came up with my evaluation of the gum.”
If preliminary tests are any indication—students who have chewed the gum a half hour before testing have received perfect scores on Math, English, and Science tests—it could mean that soon America will be on top in terms of educational rankings in the world, a feat never before realized in modern times.
Asked if the gum is safe or if there are any side-effects, Goldegger was quick to answer.
“You know, come to think of it, I did develop a burning rash on my scalp while chewing the gum, and I had difficulty swallowing for about a half hour after the gum lost its fresh minty taste, but honestly, that is a small price to pay for educational exceptionalism,” he said.
Goldegger was also asked if the gum had a lasting effect on a student’s intelligence or if it merely made a person smart for the amount of time the chemical compound remained in a person’s system.
He replied, “We don’t really know, nor does it make much difference so long as we are able to look and act intelligent when necessary.” Then added, “But if anyone can come up with a better solution for solving our nation’s decline in educational standards without the use of this gum, I’m all ears.”
In a related story, PharmaPend is working on a new medication called the ‘Perception Pill’ which, according to the description filed with the patent, is capable of changing the perceptions of anyone who takes the pill so that their reality is temporarily modified to believe just about anything suggested. Coupled with the ‘smart’ chewing gum, these two compounds could undoubtedly change the way Americans are perceived on the World Stage forever.
