Springfield, Mo – The weekly meeting of a group of local patriots came to an abrupt halt last Tuesday when its members came flying out of the United Baptists Freedom Church reception hall wretching and cursing and holding their mouths. An outsider was the cause for the stampede. Shelley Gates, a liberal (a rarity in this town) tried to infiltrate the group to find out what they were all about but became violently ill after listening to about an hour of their rhetoric. She began throwing up on everyone around her.
Once Gates was able to speak, we caught up with her and asked what happened. Said Gates, “I’m a liberal thru and thru and so, when I disagree with a viewpoint, I try and find common ground and work on a solution. I made a plan to infiltrate the Patriot Re-Constitution Party’s weekly meeting to find out what all the fuss was about and to get a first-hand look at how those people tick. But, not long after sitting there and listening to their viewpoint, I began feeling quite ill. I realized I didn’t have the stomach for it, but it was too late. The room started spinning and I started vomiting over and over and over again. I haven’t thrown up like that since I ate some bad potato salad at a family picnic a few years ago.”
A spokesperson for the PRP had this to say, “most Missourians agree with our viewpoint, but we get the occasional do-gooders in here trying their ‘can’t we just agree to disagree’ crap and we just politely tell them to stick it where the sun don’t shine and boot ‘em on outta the meeting. But this little lady walked and talked like us and we thought she was one of us. If we’d have known she was one of them liberals, we’d have shown her the door toot sweet and none of this would have happened. It’s her own damned fault for treading where she needn’t be treading.”
Gates has learned her lesson. “No more trying to understand those folks, that’s for sure,” said Gates. “I don’t have the physical strength.”
Since Tuesday, every time Gates even hears the name Rush Limbaugh, she begins to wretch. “It’s like some bad Clockwork Orange effect or something,” says Gates. I don’t think I’ll ever lead a normal life again.”