Supermarkets across America were the scene Saturday of knock-down, drag-out brawls over the last few packages of Blueberry Pancake Mix and frozen blueberry pancakes as children dragged their fathers, aunts, uncles and grandparents to the store to get the main staple of a home-cooked breakfast in bed for moms, mamas, mommies, mothers and mumsies for Mother’s Day on Sunday.
“Honest to God,” said Ernest Twinklingerer, who hauled his 3- and 5-year old daughters to the local supermarket to purchase the blueberry pancake mix, “I honestly had flashbacks to Christmas when people were assaulting each other over the latest Talking Elmo doll. If wasn’t for my daughters, Taylor and Shiloh insisting on having the exact same breakfast for their mom that they saw on a television commercial this past week, Claire (his wife) would have had to settle for toaster waffles and canned peaches. As it is, we did eventually find a box of frozen blueberry pancakes hidden in the frozen vegetables aisle, behind some steamin’ broccoli. I’m sure some clever dad is gonna be really surprised when he comes back from picking out flowers in the produce section and finds his box of blueberry pancakes missing. Snooze you lose, man.”
Store employees told of of children throwing wild tantrums in the baking supplies and frozen foods aisles, while their parents tried to explain to them that this year, there just wasn’t enough to go around. “It was total mayhem,” claims one store security guard who was being checked by paramedics for a nasty bruise he suffered when two dads were fighting over a box of frozen blueberry waffles before losing their grip and flinging it toward the officer’s face. “I now have a broken nose. Plus, I was not able to get any pancakes for my own kids for tomorrow. Man, I don’t even want to go home tonight.”
Stores blame a food manufacturer that produces a well-known brand of blueberry pancake mix and frozen blueberry pancakes for causing the last-minute stampede on Saturday. “They saturated the airwaves Saturday morning with their commercials about how moms only want one thing for Mother’s Day, blueberry pancakes. They had kids all over the country buying it and as a result, the supply just could not keep up with the demand,” said one store manager. “On the one hand, it was a brilliant marketing plan that served to make every kid who had a mom believe that their mommy wouldn’t love them unless they served her blueberry pancakes in bed. On the other hand, however, it was a dirty, underhanded thing to do, potentially putting family members in fear of their lives over friggin’ pancakes.”
Said one distraught father who ended up with a sprained wrist when another shopper wrestled the last box of blueberry pancake mix from his tight fist, “I can tell you one thing, dad’s don’t forget and this company better be ready for Father’s Day, cause we are gonna demand a big stack of lumberjack pancakes, and they damn well better be there, piping hot, in the morning, when we wake up, on a tv tray, or there’s gonna be hell to pay.”