Nutritionist Predicts 80% of Mississippi Population Will Die by 2018

Current statistics show that the people of Mississippi are the fattest in the nation weighing in at an average of 197 lbs. for a 5’8” person. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that their diets play a huge role in just how fat they are. However, it does take a nutritionist, who also happens to be a self-professed clairvoyant, to predict how these numbers will impact the state of Mississippi in the near future.

Claire Dunsaid, a Certified Nutritional Specialist from Glendale, Arizona (a vegan who is 5’6” and weighs 108 lbs.—not that this information is in any way relevant to this story), has recently notified the Governor of the State of Mississippi that unless he does something to ‘downsize’ the citizens of his state, at least 80% of the population will die from obesity-related diseases, including diabetes, coronary heart disease, and stroke, by the year 2018.

“80%!” said Ms. Dunsaid incredulously, as if she was hearing the number for the very first time. 

“I’ve gone back over my research again and again, and even I cannot believe the enormity of the situation,” she said. 

Besides her prediction that 80% of the population will have passed on by the year 2018, Ms. Dunsaid also predicts that Mississippi will go bankrupt within the next three years due to the inability to subsidize the medical costs for 40% of the state’s population who are too poor to pay for their poor eating habits.

Dunsaid’s message to the Governor reads in part:

I am dead serious when I warn you that unless you take the necessary steps to demand that the citizens of your state cut back, and I mean way back, on the amount of unhealthy foods they are currently consuming, the results of overeating will be devastating. I predict that by the year 2018, 80% of your population will die!

Asked what could be done to save the state from the fate she has predicted, Ms. Dunsaid simply replied “fried chicken, fried anything for that matter. If the citizens of Mississippi would simply cut fried foods from their diets, they would almost immediately reverse the fate they now face.”

But it seems that when asked, most Mississippians said they’d rather die than give up their fried chicken and catfish.

Ms. Dunsaid replied “So be it.”

The Governor, while having lunch at Miss Winnie’s All-You-Can-Eat Catfish House, declined a response when asked what he thought of Ms. Dunsaid’s prediction. Instead, he ordered a refill on his sweet tea and a slice of Miss Winnie’s famous deep-fried pecan pie. 

Obesity Vaccine Wins FDA Approval

Fast Food Restaurants Go Ahead With Even More Bacon Options in Kids Meals

Washington, DC – The Food and Drug Administration has given final approval on a vaccine that, when administered at a young age, will allow children to eat anything they want without gaining any fat. The obesity vaccine was developed in answer to the failed USDA’s MyPlate program, which replaced the even more disastrous MYPyramid Food Chart, both of which have done little to curtail the rising epidemic of obesity in America.

It was also a medical project that was financed largely in part by the fast food industry in an attempt to allow them to continue to serve nutritionally sub-standard meals at an affordable price.

Given at an early age, the obesity vaccine immunizes children from the ill effects suffered from a high-fat, high-sugar diet, and allows them to continue eating all the things that had once been bad for them without jeopardizing their health by becoming morbidly obese.

“Soon, diabetes, heart disease, high blood pressure and other conditions that eventually kill more than a third of our population will be a thing of the past…just as soon as this last generation is gone,” said Dr. Hewitt Dimwoody, chief research scientist who helped develop the vaccine.

The doctor went on to explain that unfortunately, the only people the vaccine will help are small children who have not yet developed an irreversible addiction to fats and sugars. This leaves the entire adult population still pretty much risking their lives if they even think about stopping by their local fast food restaurant and ordering a Baconator with a super side of fries, washed down with their favorite liquid sugar.

The vaccine is expected to be ready for use in time for the beginning of the 2014 school year. Children will be required to have the vaccine before entering pre-K so that school lunch programs can continue to serve hot dogs, fish sticks, and mac and cheese without any longer putting their students at a high risk of becoming fat.

Asked what this means for the USDA, a spokesperson replied “We are actually very satisfied that this vaccine has been approved by the FDA. We were pretty well fed up with the CDC constantly on our backs to come up with a nutritious food program to fight obesity in this country in order to bring diabetes and heart disease back down to a manageable level.”

California Bans Bacon!

The California State Legislature has finally passed a bill banning all bacon and bacon-like products from the shelves of supermarkets and restaurants across the state in an effort to get Californians back on the healthy track. California is the first, and possibly the only state to take such drastic steps to protect its citizens from themselves.

Most people didn’t even know the bill was being voted on as the pork industry lobbyists didn’t think there’d be enough votes to get the measure passed. “To quote George Bush,” said one Senator from Los Angeles, ‘they misunderestimated us.’”

Senator Mary Lumsfeld from Studio City, California says the measure was necessary. “We were seeing our citizens get fatter and fatter and we were thinking “This isn’t Kentucky, this is California. What are we going to do?”

Beginning in 2010, California hired a team of registered dieticians and heart specialists to conduct a study on the everyday diets of 2,000 Californians to find out what was making them so darned fat, and what they found was startling! The major culprit was none other than bacon and bacon-like products.

“It’s just too tasty for people to resist,” said Trixie Culpepper, a registered dietician from San Diego, California. “We eat it on burgers, we top our salads with it, and we season our vegetables with it. We eat it for breakfast, lunch and dinner, and it’s slowly killing us,” she said. “Just like any evil, we knew we had to get rid of it before people started lumping Californians in with other Americans and calling us the “F” word.” Of course, Culpepper was referring to the word ‘Fat.’

There is no word on how this ban is going to affect Californians who have not yet chosen a healthy diet on their own. Mayors in all major Californian cities have committed to putting additional police forces on the streets as they expect major pushback from the passing of the bill. The biggest concern is that now that it is banned, bacon will most probably be sold on the California black market, making it a very dangerous commodity. Fines of anywhere from $1,000 to $10,000 for violations has restaurants up and down the California coast getting rid of their supplies of bacon and telling customers they’ll have to go to Vegas to get their bacon fix.

“It will be tough,” said California’s Governor Jerry Brown, “but hey, I’m a bacon lover myself, and once I kicked the habit, I lost 40 pounds. If I can do it, then by golly, the rest of my fellow Californians can. Let’s show them that we are not another Mississippi.”

As a side note, a similar bill making tofu California’s state food failed miserably. “I guess we’re on the right track,” said Gov. Brown, “but we’re really pushing our luck with tofu.”